Original subtitles

(thunder rumbling)

Downloaded from YTS.MX

- [Announcer] Tonight on "Frankenstein Theater,"

you're invited to join:

- [Lauren] This editing is amazing.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

- [Announcer] Lauren Frankenstein and RoboRuju,

- (monster wails) Right.

- [Announcer] As they watch

the classic film "The Magic Sword."

Stay tuned.

(thunder rumbles) (organ plays)

(Lauren laughing)

- Hello viewers, I am so excited to introduce you

to my first successful creation,

introducing RoboRuju.

- Hello Lauren Frankenstein. Thank you for activating me.

- Oh, you're welcome. My father would be so proud.

- What is a father?

- A father is the one who creates us.

- Are you my father? - Oh no. I mean like kind of.

Why don't you say hello to the viewers?

- Hello to our viewers.

- Today RoboRuju

and I are going to watch the classic movie "The Magic Sword"

and we're gonna teach you a little thing about magic.

- I've always wondered what it was like

to have a magic sword.

- You've always wondered?

You've been alive for like one minute.

- Well, when you're a robot,

60 seconds feels like an eternity.

- Why don't we just watch the movie?

- Can I have popcorn with movie theater butter?

- It's not good for your circuits.

- I'll risk it.

- I'm already feeling like a mother.

(gentle music)

- [RoboRuju] What are those words on the screen?

- [Lauren] Those are the names of the people

who worked on the movie.

- [RoboRuju] That guy's name is "The Magic Sword."

- [Lauren] No, that's the title of the movie.

- [RoboRuju] Recalculating...

(dramatic music)

Rathbone?

That's a big dog name.

What is a dog?

- [Lauren] I'll tell you later.

- [RoboRuju] Setting timer to remind you later.

(dramatic music)

- [RoboRuju] There's a lot of people

who worked on this movie.

- [Lauren] There would be a lot more

if they had a bigger budget

(dramatic music)

- [RoboRuju] What is that creature in the back?

- [Lauren] I think it's a horse or a unicorn.

- [RoboRuju] Oh, no, the picture went away.

- [Lauren] It's coming back. Don't worry.

(bubbling)

- He's gone again.

He left home hours ago.

Hey, that looks like your lab.

- [Lauren] I wish it could like my lab.

- Answer me someone.

(chimp snorting)

He's not fooling me.

- [RoboRuju] Is that a man?

- [Lauren] Yes, no, that's a monkey.

- Set the magic pool again.

- Love is his curse. He is in love.

- [Lauren] Those are my cousins.

- I don't know it.

I've tried to cure him of it.

Am I losing my skill as a sorceress?

- [Lauren] Ooh, that was impressive.

- No, no, Sybil

- Doesn't my witchcraft cure snakebites, chill blends,

carbuncles, pink eye, hang nails.

- [Lauren] That's quite the resume.

- Yes, yes, Sybil.

- And why can't I rid the boy of this fever?

- George is a man and human.

- Human, yes, but hardly a man.

He's a mere boy of 20

- In love.

- George, already a man in love.

He ought to be at home learning a good trade like mine.

- [Lauren] Like learning to turn candles on and off.

(dramatic music)

- Pool of magic. Obey my wish.

Bring her vision into my soul.

- [Lauren] That's a man.

- [RoboRuju] I like this man.

Can you make one for me father?

- [Lauren] Later, later.

(wondrous musical notes)

- No, no, inside.

Perhaps the throne room.

(wondrous musical notes)

- [RoboRuju] Do all men like to spy on women like this?

- [Lauren] Yes.

Yes they do.

Don't look at that.

- [RoboRuju] Mother, I've already seen everything

on the internet.

- [Lauren] That was fast.

(gentle music)

- Try the sunken garden in the palace by the oriental pool.

(wondrous musical notes)

That's right. That's right.

There she is

- There she is.

(gentle music)

- [RoboRuju] I want to swim in the water.

- [Lauren] You can't, you'll get rusty.

- [RoboRuju] Mother, has she given him permission

to look at her naked?

- [Lauren] No.

(gentle music)

- I hope the cold waters chilled your hot temper, my lady.

- No, I'm just as furious as ever.

- Oh princess.

- Oh, it's easy enough for you to talk.

You can do whatever you please.

Fall in love. Fall out of it again.

Squire one day, a stable boy the next.

But I might as well be a prisoner in a tower.

I can't even speak to a man, let alone have him look at me.

- It's a penalty of being a princess.

- But even apprentice should be allowed romance.

Oh, how will I ever meet him?

- [Handmaiden] Who, my lady?

- [RoboRuju] Do all women wear makeup when they swim?

- [Lauren] In California, they do.

- You'll have your chance someday.

- You run along.

- But your gown.

- I'll dress myself.

- Well then what will you do?

- Oh, what I always do.

Sit here and dream.

(birds chirping)

Princess Helene.

(suspenseful music)

- Who are you?

What do you want?

Stay away.

- [RoboRuju] She is not staying away.

- [Lauren] No, she's not.

You keep coming any closer?

- [Lauren] Run. - I'll take good care of you?

- [Lauren] Run.

Why isn't she running?

Well, she's stuck now and her eyes are green.

- [RoboRuju] His magic water stopped working.

He should have added another quarter.

I like that man.

- [Lauren] He's very handsome.

So that's what they call a romantic lead.

(tense music)

- Sybil?

Sybil, where are you?

- You needn't shout, George, I can hear you.

- I must leave here. She's in danger.

- Who in the nether world do you talking about?

- [Lauren] Why is she playing dumb?

She was just talking about this with the monkey.

(laughing)

- From a reflection in the water

and you call it love, you silly child.

- Something terrible has happened to her.

- Let me see what you are talking about.

- [RoboRuju] Do men always fall in love this easily.

- [Lauren] The desperate ones do.

- Magic mirror, show me what has upset my boy.

(twinkling notes)

- [Lauren] I want one of those.

- The princess is gone, your majesty.

She's not in her quarters, not in the garden,

not by the pool yet no one saw her leave the palace.

- [Lauren] That was fast.

- We searched everywhere.

- Then turn out the guards, Branton.

- We have done that, my liege.

Until she is found,

no one will be permitted in or out of the palace.

(dramatic music)

(audience murmuring)

Who is this?

- We found him skulking

within the eastern pasture, my liege.

He won't speak.

- There are means to make him speak.

- [Lauren] Ominous.

(thunder rumbling)

Oh, that was far more ominous.

Who did he have to pay to turn off lights like that?

- Your Most Serene Majesty.

You can call off the search.

The princess, your daughter,

is in my castle under lock and key.

- Who are you?

- Lodac.

- The sorcerer?

I'm flattered that my reputation has preceded me.

- Lodac, you say My daughter is at your castle, but why?

How have I hurt you?

Why have you done this thing?

The answer is very simple.

Your father executed my sister

for witchcraft when she was only 18 years old.

I have waited until your daughter reached that age

so that my dragon could relish the flesh

of the princess.

- Lodac, I beseech you--

- [Lodac] Beseech nothing, my liege.

- [RoboRuju] Beseech, that's a funny word.

- You'd have this worm-eaten sorcerer of frighten us.

- Be careful, Branton.

- Not I.

Lodac, I shall find your castle,

free the princess and see you destroyed.

- [Lauren] He seems a little too confident.

- My castle is no great task.

It's a short journey of about a week.

You're simply follow me--

- [RoboRuju] Just a week?

That's not short.

- The trick is how to get there alive.

- I shall.

- I'm afraid not.

- [Lauren] If he kills him right now,

the movie will be over.

- How sometimes do I curse the road

that glides between this castle and mine.

Let no one live who dares the dark journey.

Let no man face my seven curses and reach the dragon's lair.

- Your curses won't stop me from reaching your castle.

- The Princess Helene will make a delicate dish

for my dragon in exactly seven days' time.

And now if you'll excuse me--

- How convenient.

Exactly the amount of time it takes to get there.

- What's weird is like, well,

okay, wizard, bird.

There we go.

- Father, I do not understand these transitions.

- My daughter will die.

- I don't understand why they wouldn't attack him.

They just let him speak.

- You'll risk the seven curses.

- For Helene, I'd risk 70.

- The man who saves Helene will have her hand in marriage

and half my kingdom too.

- Trust me, sire.

- Is there no privacy in this movie?

- No, no, it is I who must save the princess,

not Sir Branton.

I love her.

- Do you think I'd let you face Lodac's sorcery?

- I'm not afraid.

- 300 years ago my father

and brother were devoured by Lodac's dragon,

and my family were great sorcerers in their own right,

but they were no match for Lodac.

I am no match for Lodac. I confess it.

I fear him almost as much as I hate him.

- But Sybil--

- You will stay right here at home

where you are safe.

You can have anything you want but you are staying here.

- All I want is my freedom so I can save the girl I love.

But you wouldn't understand that not being mortal.

- I tried to do my best.

- I know you have Cybil. - Can't you call me mother?

- I am sorry mother.

- You were only a week old when your royal parents

died from the plague.

I found you, reared you as my own son.

- [RoboRuju] How many times do you think

he's heard this story?

- You've been kind and loving

and I'd do anything for you,

but I can't stay here with you anymore.

I'm not a child.

I'm 20 and I love Helene.

- [RoboRuju] Father, do I get to move out one day?

- [Lauren] No, never.

- When you're human, 20 is old enough

to feel love and misery.

Now give me my freedom.

- I must say you are being very difficult tonight.

Oh well boys will be boys.

We'll have to cheer you up.

Watch mother now.

(dramatic music)

- [Lauren] I love this. It's very bewitched

- Mother, not that trick again.

- [RoboRuju] Is that a cat or a bear or a,

I don't know, panther?

- George, I've never seen you like this before.

Look, if you'll cheer up, forget about that girl and Lodac.

I'll let you see the presents I've chosen

for you when you're 21.

- What sort of presents, Mother?

- Come along.

I'll show you.

- [RoboRuju] I bet it's a beer mug.

(gentle music)

Looks like a dark room.

- Oh, that did something.

- [Lauren] Yeah. That's pretty cool.

(bells dinging)

- [RoboRuju] It would definitely be easier if she used

her hands to open that curtain.

- Do you like him? - He's magnificent.

- He's yours when you are 21.

His name is Bayard.

He's no ordinary animal.

He possesses magic.

- [RoboRuju] He has to be alone until then.

This is the fastest horse in all the world.

No other steed can beat him

- [RoboRuju] Twice to open and once to close.

- [Lauren] Oh, I love this.

I wish my doors did that.

- See this? - He's looking right at it.

- (indistinct) when you ride the stallion.

- Does this armor possess magic too?

- No weapon can pierce it.

And this is Escalon the blade.

None like it since the world began.

It defies all swords in battle.

Black magic is overcome by a touch of the blade

so they're all yours when you are 21

and I'll let you go after Lodac for my revenge

as well as own.

- And with the help of their magic,

I could save their princess now.

- No, you're not old enough.

You wouldn't know how to use them.

- Oh, just let me just let me hold the sword

just to get the feel of it.

Please. Just for a while.

- Very well.

- [RoboRuju] I want to touch his sword, Father.

- [Lauren] That didn't sound right.

- [RoboRuju] I like metal.

- Feels like a part of my own body.

Oh, I feel stronger.

- Of course.

Now come along.

It pleases me to show you something else tonight.

- [RoboRuju] Cool it, lady. He's your son.

(wondrous musical notes)

- Who are they?

- Once the six most valiant knights in the world.

- It was real black magic mother.

- I wish I could take the credit.

I've never been as good as that.

No, it was my brother.

You like Escalon, George?

- It's just great.

(sword clinking on stone)

- [RoboRuju] The sword opens doors too.

Doesn't anyone in this movie use their hands for anything?

- Did the sword do that?

- Certainly.

One touch of the blade and it opens

and shuts floors, doors, walls and portcullises.

- It shuts things too, you say.

- [RoboRuju] She's very good at rhyming.

- What's down there?

- Well, I haven't been down there in centuries.

Used to be my brother's safe deposit box for spells,

enchantments, magic ritual and the like.

Want to see?

- [RoboRuju] She wants to show him all her goodies.

- Is there any other way out if the crack were closed again,

- Depends how hard you work at it.

A cousin of mine took 80 years to womp up a spell

that blew the roof off.

But don't be afraid, we won't close the crack behind us.

- Well, I'm not afraid.

You go first, mother.

- Hmm.

- [RoboRuju] Can't she just teleport down there?

- Coming, dear? - Yes.

- [RoboRuju] Brave of her to go first.

- [Lauren] Yeah.

- [RoboRuju] It appears it's also stupid of her to go first.

- George.

- [RoboRuju] Oh... - George, what have you done?

George, let me out.

- Goodbye mother.

- [RoboRuju] What has she going do for 80 years?

- Let out this instant.

You can't leave me here.

I told you about my cousin.

- I'll come back and let you out

after I've rescued the Princess Helene.

- Well, if you can't come back...

- With a magic armor, magic sword,

magic speed, what can stop me now

- You don't know that, George.

George, let me out.

(tense music)

- If I had six brave men like these,

I'd have nothing to fear.

- [RoboRuju] Me too.

(dramatic music)

- [RoboRuju] Oh, they're full size kibble.

I thought that was a photograph.

- [Lauren] No, they're human.

- Time to come, but on the behalf of my friend me,

- [RoboRuju] All the world's greatest warriors are white.

Typical.

What does typecasting mean?

- [Lauren] I'll explain it to you when you're older.

(gentle music)

- Your majesty, I pledge my soul to your service,

my life to our mutual hope, my heart to the Princess Helene.

- Very well said Branton.

But I can't help but feel a little nervous.

You still won't take these 50 knights

who have offered a ride with you.

- No sire.

They are all brave men.

But one man can venture where 50 cannot.

- [RoboRuju] The other guy has six.

- You are the bravest of all.

Return Helene safely and I'll be the proudest

father-in-law in Christendom.

That's a strange ring, Branton.

You wear it for luck.

- Luck must not play a part when your

daughter's life is at stake.

- Go my friend, and all my good wishes go with you.

(dramatic music)

- Your majesty, these knight and I have come

to serve you in your hour of need.

- That's very kind.

Who are you?

- [RoboRuju] I'm the one that's been spying on you.

- A knight by virtue of 400 years of noble lineage.

- Welcome. Good sir.

- These are my comrades in arms.

Sir Dennis of France.

(speaking in foreign language)

Sir Ulrich of Germany.

- Mein Kaiser, we come to serve.

- Sir Anthony of Italy.

(speaking in foreign language)

Sir Pedro of Spain.

- (person speaking in foreign language), your Majesty.

- [RoboRuju] These accents are interesting.

- Sir James of Scotland.

- Our hearts grieve for you and your sorrow, your Majesty.

- And last Sir Patrick of Ireland.

- We pledge our lives to your service

and to the Princess Helene until she's safe.

- Gentlemen, speaking for the king,

we are grateful for your offer.

I'm sure that you can be of immeasurable service

to His Majesty while I'm away.

- That's now what Patrick mince or Branton.

- Oh, you know who I am. Have we met?

- No, I've often seen you. - In the field?

- Not in the field.

And I also know you wish

to marry the Princess Helene.

- Oh, quite true.

You are all welcome to stay and dance at my wedding.

- Many thanks, but I prefer to dance at my own.

- You talking riddles, young man?

- Don't try to solve them till we rescue

the Princess Helene.

- We?

I shall rescue Helene.

- [RoboRuju] Do all men refuse help when it arrives?

- We are all sworn to save Sir George's beautiful lady.

- Sir George's lady?

What does the Frenchman mean?

- Only that I love her and I intend to marry her.

- You arrogant boy.

Do you know the perils of the dark journey?

- We do, Sir Branton.

If you don't share our enthusiasm,

we shall be happy to go on without you.

- How dare you?

Your majesty, have I your permission

to give this stripling a lesson in the use of arms.

- I shall not draw except in behalf of Princess Helene.

- Oh, coward.

Draw.

- [RoboRuju] Did he just break the sword?

(indistinct)

- Enough, that's enough.

Mr. Branton, I like these knights.

Surely there's safety in numbers.

You and seven good swords.

- Seven swords and seven curses.

- When do we start, Sir Branton?

- Now.

(dramatic music)

- [RoboRuju] I guess he is not going by himself after all.

(dramatic music)

- [Lauren] It's a beautiful castle.

(suspenseful music)

Where did she get the dress?

She's like has clothes on now.

- I'm Helene.

- [Lauren] And her hair's done too.

- We heard you were brought in this morning.

I'm Princess Laura, and this is my sister, Grace.

- [RoboRuju] Maybe there's a local stylist in the castle.

- [Lauren] Definitely.

The makeup artist, after they kidnapped her,

did her hair and makeup again.

- Well surely you don't believe that about the dragon.

There were others here when we arrived, but you're gone now.

Well then your father will do something to save you.

His army is probably approaching a castle

this very minute.

- [RoboRuju] It sounds like fathers are important.

Should I have one?

- [Lauren] I told you.

I am your father.

- You'll be on your way home by morning.

(dragon roaring)

(tense music)

- [RoboRuju] That sounds like my last boyfriend.

(dramatic music)

- The two sisters.

- [Lauren] It's the cone heads.

You watch that movie.

Oh wait, that's right.

You were just born.

- You are not going home.

- Surely, you must have spoken to him.

- [RoboRuju] His name is Shirley. I've had

- Three long dull sessions with him,

but nothing could persuade him to give up

what I asked for.

- I don't believe you.

He'd pay you anything.

- Nothing.

Instead he sent an entire company

of his bravest nights on the dark journey.

The poor lads never even reached the third curse.

Take them away.

- Come on.

- No, no, I can't do this.

- You can't do this.

That just can't be happening.

There just couldn't be anybody as cruel and evil as you.

- Really, Helene, this isn't the first time

that a princess has been fed to a dragon

and at least around here it happens only once a week

- Unless you get what you want.

What ransom are you asking for me?

- I'm sorry, but you happen to be a particular case.

I'm not asking any ransom for you at all.

- Then why did you bring me here?

- My little pet would be hungry again in six days time.

Come, let's watch.

- No, no, please don't.

Please.

- Listen.

(princesses screaming)

When will, don't turn your head away.

You'll miss all the fun.

See, it all happens very quickly.

Now my little pet can sleep.

- It's horrible, but it won't happen to me.

Their father sent a company.

Well, mine will send an army.

- I hate to disillusion you.

Actually, for a while your father seemed content

to let just one knight undertake your rescue.

Oh, don't blame your father.

When I talk to him into it.

- And who is this very brave man?

- I'm sure you know him. Sir Branton.

- Sir Branton.

- You don't like Sir Branton?

Oh, come now, a damsel in distress

can't afford to pick and choose.

Anyway, don't worry.

Neither he nor his companions will ever get here.

- Companions?

I thought you said Sir Branton was alone.

- He would've been, but some foolhardy young man

named George insisted on coming with him.

- George?

- Of course you don't know him.

- [RoboRuju] He's the guy that spies on you.

- And would you care to see him?

- See him? - Certainly.

I'll show you the young fool.

(tense music)

- [RoboRuju] Everyone has a spy camera in this movie.

- Tell me, which one is George.

- The youngest?

He's in the lead riding with Sir Branton.

- [RoboRuju] He's probably so tired

of people bringing up his age.

I wonder who ruined all those trees.

- [Lauren] Probsnbly Teenagers.

- Those who are wise will turn back.

- [RoboRuju] I am stupid so I'm going to keep going.

Me too.

(dramatic music)

(explosions ringing out)

(dramatic music)

- [Lauren] Oh look, it's Chewbacca.

(dramatic music)

(ceeature grunting)

- [RoboRuju] Why is he waiting so long to throw that tree?

- [Lauren] He's aiming it very carefully.

Neverind.

(creature grunting in pain)

- Oh one arrow.

That's all it took.

- [RoboRuju] Oh no.

(indistinct)

(dramatic music)

He definitely needs to go to the dentist.

Oh no. Did he kill a horse?

Aw,

- [Lauren] That horse did nothing to him.

- [RoboRuju] Aw.

(creature screeching)

- [Lauren] Strike!

- [RoboRuju] For a tree, it didn't look very heavy.

- Keep an eye on him.

He's smart.

- [RoboRuju] Why would he wanna fight him alone?

(dramatic music)

I don't think he's trying very hard.

- [Lauren] Come on George. Move it.

Get away. Get away.

- [RoboRuju] That was not even close.

It's not that far away from the ground.

(dramatic music)

- Quick went in circles.

You can't hit moving targets.

See, what did I tell you?

(dramatic music)

- [Lauren] So the horse's magical powers to not get dizzy.

- [RoboRuju] Yeah.

- That horse is swift, if you can believe it.

- What?

- No, no, no, no.

Just a stupid thought that crossed my mind.

So the horse is swift.

My ogre will kill them both.

- Are you quite sure?

(dramatic music)

- [Lauren] The loud music is giving him a headache?

(ogre groaning)

(dramatic music)

(ogre screeching)

- [RoboRuju] Is the door going to open now?

- Oh, there he goes.

- [Lauren] Yeah.

(dramatic music)

(indistinct)

- He won.

He beat you at your own game.

- So he did.

- He'll save me.

I know he will.

- Not a chance.

No one has ever survived the seven curses of Lodac.

That was only the first.

(door creaking)

(tense music)

- [RoboRuju] This must be another magic trick,

waking someone up without touching them.

(hysterical laughter)

(suspenseful music)

- [RoboRuju] Just kick them.

- [Lauren] Who does this guy think he is, Harvey Weinstein?

- [RoboRuju] Searching internet archives

for Harvey Weinstein.

Oh my goodness.

They just wanted to be picked up.

- [Lauren] I don't think that's the first time

she's escaped from two

creepy guys in Hollywood.

- [RoboRuju] She's just reenacting her audition

for this movie.

This is the easiest escape in movie history.

There's gotta be another open door somewhere.

- [Lauren] Oh look, it's a gargoyle.

- [RoboRuju] That's no statue.

That is Harvey Weinstein.

- [Lauren] I wish my castle looked like this.

(dramatic music)

- [RoboRuju] I told you it was Harvey Weinstein.

- Let us out.

- [RoboRuju] She has very pretty hair.

- [Lauren] Yeah.

- Save us! - Let us out!

- Over here.

- Hear us. - Help us.

- Over here.

- [RoboRuju] It's the lollipop kids.

- Help us.

- [RoboRuju] Let 'em out.

- [RoboRuju] What's the thing about damsels in distress?

- [Lauren] Yeah.

- [RoboRuju] We never help other people in distress

- [Lauren] Or they don't know like

'cause maybe she was worried

because of the other creatures that were kind

of coming at her, and Oh no, there's the cone heads again.

There's so many.

Love the cracks in the makeup.

Definitely very, it shows you that a lot

of big movies probably took inspirations from this one

because this looks like definitely the person who watched,

who made "Coneheads" watched this movie.

(dramatic music)

- Let's go back to your cell, shall we?

- That guy has some weird roommates

- And still not a sign of our

(person speaking in foreign language)

- Is the man heathen not to pay respects

when poor Ulrich and Pedro are laid to rest,

not as the coward.

Not to have lifted his sword against that monster.

- Branton's no coward.

I'm sure of that.

- Now well talk of the devil himself.

- We missed you at the burial, Sir Branton.

- [RoboRuju] This guy never used a shovel in his life

- As deep as your own.

But since every minute counts, I thought it wiser for me

to ride ahead and reconnoiter.

- What did you find?

- Mount your horses gentlemen, and come see for yourselves

- This 20-year-old sure is naive.

(tense music)

- This forest doesn't have many trees.

I'd like to go in a hot tub right now.

- They spent 40 grand on this set.

They need to give it as much screen time as possible.

(tense music)

- I hope Yoda is gonna make an appearance here.

- I sure hope there is a union for horse actors.

- Will you look at that George.

- I think the slurpie machine is broken.

- This seems to be an unsavory region, Sir Branton.

- Would you be sure now that we were taking

the right road or is it a road we're on at all?

- The fog's getting thicker.

Where's Dennis?

- Where's James and Anthony?

- James, Dennis, Anthony.

(person speaking in foreign language)

- I'm over here.

Well then keep with us. Keep close.

- Where's Anthony?

- Anthony?

Anthony?

Anthony.

Anthony.

Anthony.

- I'm over here.

Which way are you.

- Here.

- Uh-oh.

- Uh-oh.

- Uh-oh.

- Uh-oh.

Is it his fault?

Is it George's fault?

He yelled.

- It's the horse's fault.

- Horse is getting kicked out of the union.

- Uh-oh.

- Anthony, where are you?

- He's quite literally drinking the Kool-Aid.

- Hurry up George.

You can save him.

- I'm being pulled under.

- Give me your hand.

- Okay. Faster.

- He's also not trying.

- Yeah, he's not.

- Beard might be falling off.

- We could do it. Oh no.

- Oh. Whoa.

- Low blow sir.

- Wow. That's crazy.

- Everyone knows chain mail doesn't float.

- Oh no.

(dramatic music)

- Save yourself.

I will die too.

- Get the sword. The magic sword.

You could do it.

(dramatic music)

How did his face burn off so quickly?

- That was fast.

- That was really fast.

Grab the sword.

Maybe it will open a door.

If he doesn't make it,

this movie is over.

(dramatic music)

- He's doing it.

One more power that the sword has

to lift somebody out of the water.

- Good to know, but only, only this one guy.

- Yeah.

- Have you seen NOH-ZEH-MEE?

- Where's Anthony?

- Where's George?

- We will ride on gentlemen.

They are lost for good.

Both of them.

Not both.

Look.

Anthony has joined Pedro and Ulrich.

Forward, gentlemen.

- He's not gonna tell him that

that dude pushed him in the water.

(load banging)

She escaped finally.

- Is anyone surprised that she opened that door?

- I mean she is a sorceress.

I am surprised it didn't happen sooner.

- You don't tell a 20-year-old boy what to do

to get you off of him

- I guess.

But you don't lock up a 400 year old witch.

- She just wanted to take a nap.

- Ah, she's gonna be pissed.

- What do you mean by pissed?

Drunk, angry or urinating.

- What do you think?

- I don't know.

That's why I asked you.

- I really do like her laboratory.

- Yeah, that's right.

You'll feel better after you drink your coffee.

It's a little strong. Need some sugar?

- Nice.

What a job getting out there.

Wait til I get my hands on him.

- George?

- After all I've done for that boy, to trick me,

put me in his power, me, his own foster mother.

Where is he.

(indistinct)

George

His life is in danger.

Danger.

- Tired, tired.

Rest. Rest.

I'll never rest again until I know he's safe.

Oh my boy.

What have you done?

Mirror of magic,

bring me a vision of my boy.

- Why must you insist my companions turn back Sir. Branton?

- You and I have a good reason to continue the dark journey.

Both of us in love with the same girl,

each of us hope to rescue her.

For what reason are the others to face Lodac's curses?

As your commander, I honestly advise you

to turn back Now while there is still time.

- Do you hear that George?

We should turn heel and ride back to safety leaving you

and Sir Branton.

- Sir Branton makes good sense.

- Are you wits addled?

- Lodac's curses have already claimed Ulrich,

Pedro, and Anthony.

As long as there's one of us left alive,

there's hope that the princess can be saved.

And nevertheless, I couldn't blame you for leaving.

Between the curses of Lodac and Branton's treacher,

you'll be needing us.

- You Irish dog.

What do you mean by such insolance?

- Dog, am I, ye two-faced hypocrite?

- Stop with that.

- I demand an explanation. ^

- Am I to believe you prefer

to continue the journey alone so you could get rid of me.

- What nonsense.

- You can't deny that from the first you refused our help.

- And also when you kicked me.

- After all, what man wants to join forces with his rival?

But once we had begun the dark journey,

I accepted you completely.

I have come to like you, even admire you.

- Then why did he try to kill him?

- What suspicious minds,

only because of the dangers involved.

Lodac's curses are killing us off one by one,

curse by curse.

- Be that as it may--

- I wonder if they're uncomfortable in those tights.

(overlapping discussion)

- And what good is it being a man again

if you can't help win the fair Helene.

- Thank you Pat, all of you.

There's your answer.

- I have to admire your courage.

Goodnight gentlemen.

- His tongue is like the honey from a clover patch.

- I don not believe a word the man says.

- If his game proves to be treachery,

it will be Sir Branton who does not return

from this journey.

This, I swear.

(gentle music)

- Why did he wait until the morning to leave?

- The Frenchmen, they're notorious light sleepers.

- Yeah.

(dramatic music)

That looks like it was cut out of a magazine.

There wasn't a rock wall out there in the previous shot.

- Hello Branton. - Where are you?

- Right here.

- Well I see you're in a good mood.

- On the contrary, I'm in a savage mood.

I can't stand incompetence.

You were to come here alone on this finger rescue.

But instead I must waste my curses

to destroy George and his knights.

- Talk about incompetence.

In three days you've only managed to destroy three

of these interfering fools with all your magic powers.

- Not all my magic powers, Branton.

Give me my ring

and I'll dispose of these men in quick order.

What use is the ring to you?

No mortal can command its magic.

- You'll get your ring back when I get the princess.

That was our bargain.

(indistinct)

- You're insolent.

What if I cast a spill over you and turn you into a dog

or a rat or a cat and take the ring?

- Go ahead, - Give my ring.

No, No.

- Locac, you can't hurt me while I wear your ring.

But once you have it back,

what's to save me from your curses?

- Why would I want to hurt you?

- Why wouldn't you?

You are only helping me now

because you want to get back this ring which you

so stupidly lost.

Well, I'll keep my word.

I'll give it back in five days time when these curses

are behind me and I've claimed the princess.

- You got a tough tradeer, Branton.

- We both know what we want

and we're both going to get it so long

as you dispose of these nights.

Especially Sir George.

- Sir George? Yes.

- Twice he squirmed out of your trap

and he could do it again.

- Oh, stop whining, Branton.

You are worse than an old woman.

- And his nights are not dead by week's end.

- They'll die long before.

And in circumstances worse than anything

I've conjured up yet.

One of them is coming here now to his death.

Well the gallant Frenchman,

- He followed me.

He's seen my horse.

Alright, don't lose your head.

Let him come in here.

We'll be ready for him.

- Alright. Frenchie, do your thing.

- Yeah. Save the day, Frenchmen.

(woman singing)

(indistinct)

(person speaking in foreign language)

- And speaks French.

- Just his type.

- Yep.

Men are so predictable.

(birds chirping)

Oh boy. Look at that.

Look at that making out session.

I love her. I like her shirt.

(person speaking in foreign language)

- How can he have such a strong game?

- That was fast.

- I don't know what the normal speed is.

- This is too fast.

Definitely don't do this.

- Understood.

(person speaking in foreign language)

- No. No.

(person speaking in foreign language)

- She's teasing him, but I can't tell.

- Yeah.

- Because this is in French and there are no subtitles.

- Oh, oh, oh.

She kind of looks like Carmen Electra a little bit.

Oh, not anymore.

Now she looks like someone I saw in Hollywood Boulevard.

- Carmen Electra is aging quite poorly.

- Oh my goodness.

Okay, so she was an evil person.

- How did he know his shield could do that?

- He read it in the script.

- That was close.

- You saved my life.

We Frenchman, we have a weakness for a pretty woman.

Lodac bewitched you.

- Yes. I should have known that

such a pretty creature will not be at this early hour.

But I was robbed of all thought.

Except one.

Lodac knows our Parisian feels.

- Why did you come here?

- I don't remember

(person speaking in foreign language)

- What is it?

- Branton.

- What about him?

- He's in that mill.

I'm sure of it.

I saw his horse.

He's still there.

- He wanted to double check that the only door

there was the correct door.

- Sir Branton.

- Senor Branton.

- Well, good morning gentlemen.

- Is it good?

May we ask what you're doing here.

- Well, someone has to do the thinking for you.

As your commander.

I thought it was to spy out the countryside.

The upper floor of this mill was the only vantage point.

- The last time you spied out the land, Sir Anthony died.

- And he was kicked.

Sir Dennis, you have heard my answer to that.

- As you will, shall we wake the others and ride on.

- They're not falling for this, are they?

- Gentlemen?

(tense music)

- I almost killed him.

I tried.

I could've killed them both.

But that shield, I couldn't face it.

- That shield. Yes, that shield.

Magic.

Of course the boy has magic.

- Sir George? - How else could he escaped

three curses' magic.

And I didn't even see it.

That foster mother Sybil is working against me.

- The magic is strong, Lodac. I know it.

How will you counter it?

Don't you need your ring?

- Not for Sybil's magic,

but once I get my ring, that's the end of Branton

and the princess will be fit my dragon.

All I have to do now is to redouble my magic.

And all you had to do was destroy that Frenchman.

You were too slow. You need to be taught a lesson.

(speaking faintly)

- Is this surprising that a 90-year-old woman was too slow?

- Yeah, she's a spider.

- Greeting Sybil.

- Oh, he hacked her webcam.

- You're looking older.

Let me see. We haven't met in what, a hundred years?

- I don't want to talk to you. - But I want to talk to you.

- Does the mirror have no off switch.

- Quite a lot of trouble.

- Lodac, if you touch your hair

of my boy's head, I'll fight you.

- Not a chance.

You've never had any real talent for witchcraft.

You would always 10th rate.

- 10th rate.

- You are quite helpless Sybil.

In four days, the princess Helene will be fed to my dragon

and your George will die even sooner than that.

There's nothing you can do except look in your stupid mirror

or magic pool.

And now I'll take care of that.

- He broke the mirror.

- Come back. Come back.

- Mirror of magic, bring me a vision of Lodac.

- Back to the red room, - To the laboratory.

- Helpless, am I?

- Pretty dusty in there?

- I thought the boys cleaned for her,

- So I can't do anything to help George.

Oh, Lodac. Lodac. You'll be sorry for this.

Dear me, it's a long time since I've tried this one.

Was it one people tune or two?

One, I'm sure.

Where is the unicorn powder?

- Right next to the cinnamon.

- Now let's see, was it two mandrake root?

What else goes in?

Eyes?

No, I won't have eyes in this one.

Yes, yes.

- Oh no. Oh, poor babies.

- Why do those dead frogs make noise?

- I don't know the beet boxing though.

It's pretty cool.

- It's the monkey. - Maybe.

- Poles, graveyards.

(indistinct)

No power shall lackm double his magic

and be to that Lodac.

- You want fries with that?

- I wonder what sybil's cooking up.

(wxplosion ringing out)

- It was the wrong recipe?

- Oh no. - What have you done Sybil?

- I finished poor George. That's what I've done.

I've taken his magic away from him completely.

- George has no more magic.

- Let me get this straight.

She messed up the potion so badly

that she actually took away all of his powers.

- That is a hero's journey.

- Wher are you now?

- They're the tracks of their horses.

- I can't believe they're ahead of us.

How can they take this heat? It's getting

- Hotter by the moment.

You had no right to let 'em go on without us.

- What could I do? They were up before daylight

and belligerent at that.

Sir Dennis said that he couldn't trust me

to spy out the land any longer.

- You could have awakened us.

- They swore they'd be back before daylight.

- Dennis, James.

If the heat's any worse up ahead, they'll be burnt

to a crisp by this time

- I cannot breathe.

- I cannot move my legs.

- Oh no, did they just lose all their hair?

Oh, oh God.

- They need moisturizer.

Shouldn't stay in the sun for too long.

Oh, stay away from your viewers.

- Stay back (indistinct).

- He must be Jedi.

- James.

Heavenly father.

- That guy's a good actor.

- George Will you be looking at that man?

He's not even hot.

And we're burning. Why?

- Yes. Why Branton?

- That gentleman is my secret.

- Do you think those are real actors or step people?

(dramatic music)

- That's a really good question.

- I know. I think that the studios used

to make them all do all sorts of classes back in the day

where they would really know how to ride horses like that.

But it's pretty tough.

- They're the Tom Cruises of the 1960s.

- Yeah.

Take some time getting off your horse. No rush.

Don't leave your magic shield behind.

- Branton? Branton?

- That looks like a sound stage with like a bunch

of amazing lights.

- Where the devil is he?

- He must be in here somewhere.

- You mean I was in here, George.

- Branton.

- I'm sorry, I have to leave you now.

A long longstanding

appointment with the Princess Hele

and also with my partner Lodac.

- Partner?

- Yes. His castle is just over the hill.

Any last words for either of them?

- You won't escape us, Branton.

- I already have escaped you. George.

- You can tell he was working with loDac, by the way

he keeps giving away his plans.

- Yeah, they they do this

the whole movie. It's crazy.

- What do we do now?

- We break out with Escalon.

Oh, did you know my sword was magic?

It opens floors, walls, gates, anything.

It was magic.

- Like your horse.

Perhaps Lodac's magic is a bit

- Stronger.

(indistinct)

- Only, I swear I saw that thorn bend.

- There must be some other way out. Patrick,

(tense music)

- Who are you gonna call, Ghostbusters.

Patrick, come on.

- They're crying. - Come on Forrest.

(dramatic music)

I can't believe trying to slice a

ghost with a sword didn't work.

- God help me.

- God, for the wall. - What?

- Okay. I don't understand these ghosts

because they're killing him.

But they open the door. Are they good or bad?

- I dunno.

(dramatic music)

Now all the people with accents in the movie are dying.

It's so sad. They were so good looking.

- That is very sad. I love accents.

- And I love men.

- Jesus kicked again. So Patrick too.

No, Patrick is finished. But Sir George is riding this way.

There was no way outta that cave loDac. Was it magic?

- No, not magic.

- Then how did George's came?

I think yes. Something stronger than magic.

- Ghosts.

The power of Patrick's faith.

- The power of Patrick's faith. What's that?

I thought he would say like love.

- The only thing I can defeat a bad guy is faith. I guess.

Why can't they just faith harder coming?

(indistinct)

He's arriving at the castle gate.

- Imagine not knowing

that your armor does nothing for you at this point.

Don't go in there. - All the doors are open.

You didn't even have to go like that.

- Do you think at his mother knew that at the age

of 21 he would not be so stupid to enter dark rooms?

- Yeah. And I think that's why she wouldn't,

didn't want him to go.

Mm. Oh, look at that weird crew.

They look like some of my father's early experiments.

- Where is he going? Helene?

- No Lord, I won't allow that.

Don't worry. It'll all work out most satisfactorily.

I promise.

- He doesn't know the way to her herself anyway.

He doesn't have to, the spell

of the sixth curse is already leading him on.

- Helene.

Helene.

- George.

I must be dreaming

- Two stalkers in love. Yeah,

- But you are George.

Where is this more Lodac's magic.

- I'm as real as you are.

- Wow.

- I'd like to reiterate that these are two people

that have been stalking each other

and they just met in real life

and they're already madly in love.

- It's like, come on, get out of there.

What are you talking? Why are you doing this right now?

Can't you do this later? I always

- Swore that you would never live to get here,

- But I'm here and we'll leave together.

- Oh, I'm too happy to even think.

- Don't think honey, just let me hold you.

- Oh God, come on. This is too fast.

You're not allowed to do this.

- What happened to Sir Branton?

- Rather ask what will happen when I get him

within my swords length.

Oh, he's somewhere here in the castle.

- Let him go. What does anything matter except us

and our freedom together?

- I'll see if the way is clear.

- What - Dork wrote this movie,

- Some Hollywood screenwriter who's never met a woman before

and lives in his mother's basement. Oh,

- An autobiography.

- He just walked into a science fiction convention.

Oh, four cone heads.

- Welcome to George. I was beginning

to think you'd never get here.

- Branton,

- You're looking for this.

- He left his sword behind. He's a terrible knight.

- It's time for us to leave.

- Well, no, Helene. No, but I want to

Oh, she is a two timer.

- Aren't you forgetting something? Branton.

That was - Fast.

- Oh, the ring.

- That's why. See, I told you too quickly,

- I keep my - Word.

She is kissing two men at the same time.

A five minute time period. All right,

- Take her if you still want her.

- Oh, I want her. All right. And she wants me

- Always in forever.

Helene, what is this?

Helene? Oh

- No.

You really think I keep my word once I had the ring,

- But I don't understand where. Is Helene

- Over here?

- Has she belongs to me. We made a bargain.

- So wait, did she, so George made out with the ugly

- Woman artist.

Oh

- Yeah.

- Alright, Brenton, it's time to take care of you.

- Well, the old hat looked like she had probably had a

great personality.

Yeah, I think he's missing out.

- Definitely.

- He's getting punished for being so shallow. Oh

- No.

- Messing to get that voice. Or it's the end of him.

The end of them both. What will you do, Sybil?

I must think.

Think, try to remember the right recipe

and give him back his magic.

Sybil. Of course I have to.

Where did I go wrong? Which is of ade.

Blacker than black demons of shame. Flesh on the rack. It.

It's the next line. That's the one I got wrong.

- Hack.

- Hack. And it rhymes with red sack.

Swack smack snack.

No, no. None of those. No I, I'll go to Lodacs castle.

That's what I'll do. I'll give it some thought on the way.

Save him Sybil. I'll try.

Well, here it goes.

- Attack winter Act Manc.

That's great. My AI is advancing.

- So George, this is the real Helene. I swear it.

All right now go ahead.

- How can he know for sure? Show me how a

- Pair of young models in love,

- I wouldn't trust him. It

- Before they die.

Oh, Billy Tender.

- I mean, how did he get his shirt off? What didn't you say?

Did the, did the cone people take it off?

Or did he just, George,

- They made it disappear with magic.

- I love you Helene. - Come in.

- Come.

- You'll have a good view from the

windows, sir George.

- In these kind of movies, they always make a

man take his shirt off.

It's it's, it's a trope.

- A feast. The feast.

- No doubt. We want a feast. Hurry.

You'll pick the best of the little people for the stew.

You'll pick the wine.

The rest of you know what you have to do.

- I'm impressed that a movie from the 1960s

used to the phrase little people.

- No one tried to stop them.

- Wow. I'm impressed that they're carrying the sword.

- Oh yeah, that looks heavy.

- How did these little guys get the sword from the bad guy?

- We'll just skip that. We don't have the budget for it.

I wonder if they had a green screen back then. Hmm.

Like how do they shoot this?

- Hurry please.

Quick hurry. Hurry.

- They could at least sing a song

or something while they work.

- I still don't understand why they're helping him.

His love interest didn't help them escape.

- Quick. Cut the ropes my

wrist quick.

- Thank you. I'm grateful to you.

My sword has lost its magic, but it's still a sword.

- My sword has lost its magic,

but it's still a sword. I love - That.

Famous last words. - Yeah, we gotta like get our

favorite quotes from this movie.

(dramatic music)

Oh no.

- Oh, so that's where the budget went.

(indistinct)

Game of Thrones. Eat your heart out.

- Destroy him. It is my will.

- Wow.

I bet in this time. This was crazy. Special effects.

This was probably like the craziest of the crazy.

- I'm genuinely impressed. All in all.

- Oh, that was an Oscar worthy scream.

- That was genuine. Yeah.

- She's probably like, hurry up, I want

to finish this movie.

- Oh, oh, a bird there mother. It's a bird.

- It's a wizard.

Quick

- Run in circles again.

How long before something happens?

- Oop. See the end of George?

Yes. Saucer. I can cross me now.

(indistinct)

- Oh,

- She noticed the ring so fast. Back

- His magic.

- That's a woman of taste, - Which is of her cake.

Black and black demons of shame. Flesh on the rack.

The next line, if only I could her the next line.

- Racing down. Your - Old lady.

- You got this Mom, come on, you witched.

- She should write it down or something.

How do you forget such an important spell?

- I know she's so old. 400 years.

- He's even lost the

- Power to attack that. The word.

- Oh, it is attack. Oh, - Attack. Nevermind the heck.

- Blacker than black - Means of shame.

- Flesh on the rack. Give to my body the power to uptake.

- My power of grace. Go.

One stab is all it takes.

That's way too easy.

- My ring. Now my

- Precious, you do not know how

to buy jewelry in their size is what I'm

- What an over actor.

Yep. It's still a sword.

- They'll still die over them.

How do I curse you with all the of hell.

Curse upon curse, defiant, mortal. You dare to challenge me.

Six curses could not destroy you,

but now you must face the seventh.

Me.

(indistinct)

- Now you teachers of hell listen to me

as I cast the sentence curse.

- Oh wow. Look, she's a, she's a pan.

Is that a panther again?

This editing is amazing.

- Finally they found other,

- Then they get married.

See, it doesn't normally work like this here today.

It takes about, you know, five to 10 years to get married.

Oh look, the the accent guys are back. Yay.

- The accent guys.

- Yay. The hot guys with the accents

and the Siamese twins. My cousins.

- Yes. The whole family is here.

- Oh, it's Glenda the good witch.

- And finally her ring matches the dress.

- Yay. Yay. - Yay. Awesome. Woo. Alright.

Off to the lab.

So what did we learn about magic today?

- Oh, we learned that bad guys can't cast bells on you if

you steal their ring and we learned

that witches can open doors without using their hands.

- That's right. We learned that magical swords can be used

for magic and for swords.

- And we learned that dragons will pretty much just stare at

you until you stab them.

- We learn that wizards can turn into birds

- And we learn that magic can bring

people back from the dead,

- Magic and science.

I love it. Thank you so much RoboRuju

for watching this movie with me.

- You're welcome, father, - And thank you

guys for watching as well.

I'm Lauren Frankenstein.

- And I'm RoboRuju. - Goodnight.

(dramatic music)