Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( sighs ): Ugh.

I hate foggy days.

No cab fares coming in.

No cab fares going out.

No nothing.

Hey, guys.

Joe, listen, as long as we're grounded,

I'm gonna go ahead and sand down that spot

where the door's sticking.

Yeah, have at it.

( playing guitar softly )

( sanding rhythmically )

( playing guitar to rhythm )

( tapping cup to rhythm )

Dabba, budda, budda

Bop, bop, budda, budda Buh dabba dabba day

Da, da, da, da Dabba bo dop

Budda budday

Dot dow, dow, dow

( all stop )

Bobba dobba

Bop, bop, budday Dobba, dobba, da, da...

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Uh, uh, wait. Whoa, whoa.

Roy, watch out for the giant frog.

Roy, watch out for the giant frog!

I see it. I see it.

Okay, now grab the nitrogen tank.

( groans ) Have you got a death wish, man?

All right, all right. I see it.

Oh, no.

( evil laughter ) Oh, he got you.

How many more must die, giant frog?

Oh, I can't stand this anymore! ( game beeping )

Ever since you two guys found ( beeping stops )

that annoying game on the plane,

you've been bothering the whole terminal!

Gee, Fay. We were just playing.

It's bad enough we're raising an entire generation

of small-minded, big-thumbed children.

But you're adults.

If you have time on your hands,

try having an intelligent conversation for a change.

Oh, you know, Fay's right.

I mean, you know, maybe we should try and have

an intelligent conversation.

Hey, guys. Have you seen Joe?

No.

No. No.

Thanks.

Does that count as an intelligent conversation?

Close as we're gonna come.

Fire that baby up. All right.

Celtics.

Two points behind, ten seconds to go.

They go to their franchise, Flyin' Brian Hackett.

Crowd's on their feet.

Hackett blows past Jordan!

He's in three-point range!

He shoots.

Final seconds. Three, two--

What--? But, three, two--

Three, two...!

Hey, Brian.

Do you know where your brother is?

You just call me "Brian"?

Yeah.

Well-- Well, how come you didn't

call me "slick" like you usually do?

Because I just saw how you play basketball.

So where is he?

Well, I guess it's time you knew the truth.

There is no Joe.

I made him up.

Darn.

I was hoping you were the imaginary one.

( scoffs )

Tell him thanks for the guidebook.

Hm. She's open.

No, she isn't.

Oh, come on. Just one point, okay?

I'll make it real easy for ya.

If it hits the rim, I'll count it.

I'd like to point out that it did not touch the rim.

What's so funny?

( chuckles ) I just had this image of you in high school.

Oh. Let me guess.

You were the smart-ass, screwup, jock type.

Eh, sorry to burst your bubble, babe,

but I happen to have been a straight-A student,

and I also made a little time for B-ball.

I was all-state.

Speaking of all-state,

I hope you have this place insured.

Mm. See you later.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

And who was--

Who was Alex Lambert in high school, huh?

Was she a cheerleader?

Homecoming queen? Huh?

The closest I ever got to homecoming queen

was when she turned me in for smoking

and I flushed her tiara down the toilet.

Really? And, and--

Was there a scuffle?

Clothes ripped?

It's not fair to start a story and not finish it.

Maybe when you're older.

Mm. Where are you off to?

I was just gonna go grab some dinner.

Oh, really? Me too. I was gonna get a bite too.

Uh, would you care to join me?

Like a date?

No! No, absolutely not.

No, a date would entail, you know,

showering, teasing hair,

prettying up.

And you'd probably wanna get ready too.

Well, what did you have in mind?

Ah! I sense interest.

Um, I don't know, you like lobster?

Who doesn't?

Oh, well, Lowell, for one.

Yeah, he refuses to eat it

ever since he saw a sign outside a restaurant that said,

"Live Lobster. Dancing Nightly."

So, uh, you onboard?

Uh, where were you thinking about going?

Oh, I don't know. Someplace that has great lobster.

Oh.

Okay, I got an idea.

How about Maine?

What, go to a different state for dinner?

Yeah, that's no problem.

I mean, eh, all you have to do

is point the plane north

and then if we see any moose playing hockey,

we know we've gone too far.

What do you say?

Maine? Yeah.

It'll be an adventure. Come on, come on.

What the hell. Let's go to Maine.

All right.

( upbeat theme playing )

Announcing the arrival of Flight 20 from New Bedford.

How many people realize that New Bedford

was once a productive whaling center

much like Nantucket?

How many people are pretending to ignore me

hoping I'll turn off this microphone

and quit bothering them?

Fine.

You can all just guess when our next flight leaves.

Good morning, Brian.

Good morning, Fay?

( chuckles ): I don't think so.

It's a great morning, Fay.

Children are singing, the sun is shining,

and a warm feeling of hope cradles us all.

Come here, you gorgeous thing, you!

( laughing )

The-- They don't pay me much, but the perks are great.

Uh, Helen,

I know a woman like you gets tired of hearing this,

but I must tell you.

Today you look especially beautiful.

Antonio, a girl never gets tired

of hearing a compliment like that.

Well... Thank you.

Then, uh, if I may say so,

y-your hair is-- Is--

Is stunning.

Forget your wallet again?

'Fraid so. Pay me tomorrow.

Hey, Joe. How're you doing?

Fine.

Helen, could I have some coffee, please?

Coming right up.

You're sure in a good mood today.

What's wrong?

Nothing. I feel great.

I'm a little tired. I had a date last night.

Ooh. Well, not a--

Not a date. I-- I went out.

Ah. Do you believe this?

You know, I ask you out. No dice.

Brian asks you out, you won't go.

Now you're going out with some totally new guy.

Actually, it was Brian.

You went out with Brian

when you could have gone out with some totally new guy?

What--? Uh-- How could you do that?

I can't believe this. She went out with Brian--

Now, now, now, now, Joe.

Let's just take a deep breath and think of a happy place.

It wasn't any big deal.

We didn't plan it. We just...went.

Went? Where, went? Went?

I mean, where did you go? Where did he take you?

Joe! I don't think Alex wants to discuss the intimate details

of her private life with the two of us.

So go sit over there. What was it?

Well, no. It's-- It's okay. It's okay.

First, we flew to Maine,

and we found the most incredible place for lobster.

Then after dinner, we--

We just stumbled across

this funky little miniature-golf course.

Then on the way back to the plane,

you won't believe what we found

leaning against this old oak tree.

A tandem bicycle.

( snickers )

How'd you know?

( Joe and Helen laughing )

Congratulations!

You just went on Brian Hackett's Date Package Number Seven.

What?

Yeah, it's just one of those, uh, spontaneous little evenings

he spent years perfecting.

Right. He's got about ten of them,

but this one rates the highest.

Wait a minute. But we were just going with the flow.

He'd never been there before.

BOTH ( laughing ): Never been there before!

JOE: Really, though, really. HELEN: Oh, God.

Okay, let's see if I can guess a couple of the, uh,

spontaneous little things you did

on your wonderful evening.

Okay, you, uh-- You took a bike ride

down the cutest little cobblestone street

you'd ever seen while Brian was singing "Raindrops

JOE AND HELEN: Keep Fallin' On My Head..."

And when you thought it couldn't get any better,

you ran into this little old couple

that had been married for 50 years.

And they told you that they had met right there,

at that same spot.

But-- Um-- How could he--?

He calls ahead and has this old buddy of his

set the whole thing up.

Is this for real?

Don't you just wanna kill him?

( laughs )

Well, I probably should, but...

I just had too good a time.

Anyway, I am gonna go get this work done

that I was supposed to do last night.

( scoffs )

I-I can't believe this.

You know? Brian gets away with everything.

I get away with nothing, you know.

I do the slightest little thing, I get nail--

Those aren't free, you know.

See what I mean?

G-give it to me, Roy. ( video game beeping )

( whines ): Come-- Come on, it's my turn! Give it to me!

Bug off! I'm about to enter the Mushroom Palace.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, like you could really get into the Mushroom Palace.

Are you two still playing with that thing?

Give it to me right--

No cuts! I have dibsies!

I--

I refuse to spend one more minute

listening to those annoying beeps, bells and buzzers.

This belongs in the lost and found.

You two boys will just have to find

another toy to play with.

You can kiss that game goodbye, fellas.

Don't worry. I'll get it back.

Don't count on it.

She's had my harmonica for six months.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Listen, um,

I just wanted to check in with you this morning.

Was I dreaming, or, uh,

did we really have fun last night?

We had a lot of fun.

Good. Thought so.

Well, in that case, if you're free,

maybe we could have fun again tonight, huh?

Oh, you know what?

I have to stay home tonight.

Ah.

But you could always stay home with me.

Hm. Funny.

It almost sounded like you invited me to your house.

I did.

Heh. Funny.

It almost sounded like you said "you did."

That's what I said.

Heh, it's funny. Almost sounded like you said--

How about eight o'clock?

Thank you.

I'll see you tonight. Okey-dokey!

Yeah!

Oh, boy! This is a great day, Fay!

The sun is shining,

children are singing,

a warm feeling of hope cradles us all.

Oh, for Pete's sake!

I've got work to do.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( knocking )

Hi. Am I late?

Yes.

Four whole seconds.

Well, I got caught in traffic.

Come in.

Oh, boy! Wow.

Wow-- I never thought I would ever see

the inside of this place.

Looks so different through my telescope.

Kidding.

( chuckles ) Let me take your coat.

Yeah, thanks. Listen, I...

would have gotten you flowers, but, uh,

I couldn't get into the place I usually go.

People were home.

This is really nice.

This is very nice.

Oh, oh, oh, who's this?

The old Army gang?

Oh, yeah, my platoon.

Ah, you might find this hard to believe but, uh,

you're actually the first soldier

I've ever gone out with.

You know what they say,

we do more before seven a.m.

than most people do all day.

Make yourself comfortable.

( exhales deeply )

( sniffs )

Hope champagne's okay.

( mumbles ): Fine. Fine.

So...

what, uh--

What are we drinking to?

How about to...

an...unexpected evening last night

and hopefully even more surprises tonight.

( glasses clink )

Like the sound of that.

Good.

Mm.

Ah! Oh! Oh!

What--? What--?

What was that for? Why did you do that?

That was my Date Package Number Seven. Now get out!

Wait! What--? What--? What--?

Save it! Joe and Helen told me everything.

What did they tell you?

About your cute little date packages.

And I had to just sit there laughing it off

pretending I wasn't feeling like the world's biggest fool.

Hey, they had the whole thing wrong.

Oh, so you're saying I was the first girl

you've taken on that date? Well, no--

You lied to me! I didn't lie, I was--

You just threw me in with God knows

how many other women you've taken up there,

and I don't appreciate it!

Good night! Alex, Alex, Al--

Good night!

Alex, I'll expl-- Good night!

Hey, my-- My car keys are in there.

How am I supposed to get home?

Be spontaneous.

Maybe you'll find a bicycle leaning against a tree.

( mellow theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Hey, Joe, I need the keys to the house.

( laughs ): Oh, my God!

What happened to you?

Nothing happened. Just give me the keys.

Wait a minute. You were with Alex tonight.

Did she do that to you?

Ho-ho-ho. Yeah.

Ho, wait!

Helen, come here! No, no. Quit--

I'm not in the mood for this. I just wanna go home.

( both laughing )

HELEN: Oh, Brian!

I told you before.

It's shower first,

then put your clothes on.

Real cute. ( Helen and Joe chuckling )

So, what? Did she pour a drink on you?

She hit you with the old hose? What?

Yeah, well, actually, it was an ice bucket,

and I'm glad you two guys are getting such a kick out of this

'cause, after all, I have you two to thank.

Oh, come on, Brian. Brian.

She would have found out eventually.

You're just trying to blame us

'cause you got burned by your own scam.

And that must be where they tried to put out the fire.

( both laugh )

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I don't happen to think

this is very funny?

Would you lighten up?

You've been rejected before.

Yeah, that's right, I have.

Did it ever occur to you

that this time might be different?

That this time I might have the chance

of starting something new with somebody?

Well, Brian, if you cared about her

then why'd you lie to her?

Oh, I don't know. Why'd you--?

I don't know how to explain it to you.

I just thought that maybe this would be my last chance

to have a date with her

and I wanted everything to be perfect, that's all.

I mean, that date was perfect.

By now it oughta be.

Anyway... No, no, stop.

It's not your guys' fault.

I blew it.

You know? See you later.

Oh, man.

Believe that guy?

( whines ): Mr. Sad-Eyes

Joe, you could be a little more sensitive.

Come on. Don't tell me you're gonna fall for all that crap.

"Alex broke my heart. I can never love again."

The best part is he did this to himself.

And then there was one.

You know, Joe, I don't think this is about competing anymore.

Yeah, you got that right. The game is over.

Oh, shh-shh-shh.

Helen, what's that I hear?

What?

The fat lady. She's singing.

Are you so blinded by this competition thing

that you can't see that he really cares about her?

Helen, we are talking about Brian.

The only thing Brian cares about is--

Brian.

Well, I just don't see it that way.

( dramatic piano theme playing )

( knocking )

( knocking )

What do you want?

I-I really need to talk to you for just a minute.

Whatever it is, it can wait until morning.

Please, please, just--

Just let me say what I have to say,

and then I'll leave, all right?

Okay. What?

That's a v-very nice nightgown.

Thank you. Good night.

N-no, look, look. Just, uh--

You know things between us have been sorta...

immature and adolescent for a while now,

but what I came to say isn't.

My brother really likes you.

What?

Th-the only reason he took you on that date

and tried to make you believe it was all so spontaneous

is 'cause he was trying to impress the hell outta you.

Thank you. Now I can sleep.

No, wait, wait. Let-- Let me just have one more try, okay?

It won't make any difference.

Maybe not, but just-- Just hear me out, please.

( sighs )

Okay.

Wow. This place really looks different

through my telescope.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Uh...

( clears throat )

All right-- Okay, okay. Um.

The first time Brian fell in love...

was this girl Krista Purcell.

She was blonde, gorgeous, 17 years old.

Brian finally gets up the nerve to ask her out.

She laughs in his face.

Well, of course, I can't blame her.

He was only eight years old at the time.

What's your point?

Th-the point is that,

you know, I thought he would be crushed.

But Brian just joked about it.

See, that is how I know Brian is okay.

He jokes.

When you kicked him outta here tonight,

he didn't even crack a smile.

( scoffs )

The weird thing is that, uh...

this morning I would have killed to go out with you myself.

And now here I am pleading his case.

But, anyway, that's, uh,

basically what I came to say.

Good night.

Oh, by the way,

that ice bucket?

( laughs ): Really nice touch.

( mellow piano theme playing )

Oh, Roy.

Roy, I-I took your advice, and I--

I rented that movie Basic Instinct last night.

And-- Boy, were you right.

Uh, that last scene where she--

Whoa, whoa, whoa! La-la-la-la-la!

Don't tell me! Don't tell me! I haven't seen it!

Sorry. Sorry.

Basic Instinct's good, but if you like thrillers,

the king of 'em all is Psycho.

Oh, well, I agree.

When they go down into the--

Whoa, whoa! La-la-la-la-la-la!

Haven't seen it! Haven't seen it!

Lowell, that movie came out 30 years ago.

How could you have missed it?

I've had things to do.

May I help you?

Yes, ma'am.

I left my video game on your plane.

Did you find it?

Well, yes, I did.

And I can't tell you

how happy I am to give it back to you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

( game beeping )

( grunts )

Mind if I shoot a round?

No. No, go ahead. I was just leaving anyway.

No, wait a minute.

There's something I wanna clear up

about our little trip to Maine.

I had a really great time.

You did?

Well, that's-- That's great.

So...everything's cool now, right?

No.

You also lied to me,

manipulated me,

and disappointed me.

So, what now?

I'm gonna give you one shot to make it up to me.

Good.

What is this?

I just told you.

One shot.

From there.

So...

( chuckles )

So the fate of our relationship hangs on this one shot.

Is that it? You got it.

Okay.

All right, one more.

Maybe you should move a little closer.

You aren't even trying.

Uh, l-listen, listen, listen.

We can do this better.

Um, why don't we--

Why don't we just figure this out over dinner?

We might as well. We could be here all night.

I've heard about this great place for Italian.

( cracks knuckles )

Okay, let's go.

W-wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Just so we don't have a repeat of the other night,

have you ever been there before?

No.

Well...

Yeah, but not with you.

( mellow piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )