Original subtitles

When I'm on my deathbed, the biggest regret I will ever have is knowing

that I had a job that every person in the world would fucking

kill for.

And I fucked it up.

I'm going to be mad about that until I go to the fucking grave.

Boogie2988, he's a legend of YouTube. He's been around forever.

There was one girl.

I don't know if I should talk about this, Mike, but I'm going to. There was

one girl that I dated. She liked a lot of childish things.

She liked rubber ducks.

That's why I have some of these rubber ducks.

And one of my favorite memories with her is us sitting in this tub, her playing

with rubber ducks as I washed her. And then when we got out, I took her to bed.

One of the best nights of my life, Mike.

Happened. Right here.

Yeah, so when it comes to financial approach, I don't fucking know what I'm

doing. Money comes in, money goes out. For the longest time, my ex-wife handled

that shit, but then I got divorced.

I don't know where my money is. I don't know what it's doing. The only thing

I've ever done with it is I threw it into crypto and then lost a shitload of

it. Well, here's everything.

If you want to see, there's $2,758

in my bank account right now. And let's see if mortgages come out yet. So

tomorrow when they take mortgage out, I'll have about $700 to live off of

until the 20th when I get paid again from YouTube.

So I'm just going to live off of $700.

And I'll probably sell some cards along the way and use that money to make ends

meet as well.

I have a credit card with them that I owe $600 on.

And on top of that, I still owe $163,000 on my house. I think my net worth is

zero. Once you pull the equity out of the house, get rid of the house debt,

sell off all my collectibles, and pay off all my debts, I think that puts me

at $0.

Shit.

I'm worthless.

Yeah, this is the hard part. Back to reality.

So

my

best feature.

This is the one the ladies love.

I call it...

My meat apron. I have two meat curtains. There's a

second one.

I have two glorious meat curtains.

I don't like showing it to people and people don't like seeing it.

So that's why I'm going to die alone.

Well, my real name is Steve Williams.

I'm known online as Boogie2988 because there's a lot of famous Steve Williamses

and I'm not one of them, right?

I started a YouTube channel back in 2006, right at the very beginning.

And I got famous for comedy sketches as well as like life vlogs and

just sharing my personal life with other people.

what's up ladies and gentlemen of youtube boogie to 988 coming at you my

ankle on my left leg and head um but that's just the kind of woman i married

so give her some love in the comment section give her as much money as i used

to make and it's not exactly enough to make it meet you this is where i spend

six to eight hours a day trying to figure out how to save my career what

the ladies and gentlemen of youtube boogie to 988 come and show i was

getting through the power of the internet today let's talk a little bit

about why you got to do better than i did

I've told the audience, I've told you guys, I've told everybody, this is the

center of my world, right here in this recliner with my dogs, watching

television, playing video games on that television.

But the other day, the audio on this TV started to go out, and whenever it would

make like S sounds, it would crackle.

And so I know I'm budgeting, but I immediately went to Amazon and bought a

sound bar for $100.

And then the next day, the TV stopped crackling.

And now I have a $100 sound bar that I don't need.

But I know I'm supposed to be budgeting right now. But because that's my TV,

because that's my only source of entertainment, because it's the only

thing I do, it's one of the only things that bring me peace. I'm like, I have to

be able to hear my fucking TV.

But that's every addict, right? Like Mitch Hedberg said, I'll just do enough

heroin. And then he like...

od on heroin right so i guess every addict tries to manage the addiction but

i don't know man we were talking about compulsive spending a minute ago yeah

dude i spent a lot of stuff on a lot of money on stuff

but you know where a lot of the money went and like it

felt really compulsive at the time

I am a former sex worker escort and Boogie2988 was one of my clients.

I'm from LA and I get a message on this website. You can probably guess which

one from this guy who looked a lot like Boogie.

I took women on vacation and I took them out to fancy dinners

and I took them to like Disneyland and shit.

He bought me dinner. He got me a purse that we were talking about over

messages. And he got me a couple gift cards, and he spent well over $5,000 on

just that night.

You know the rules. The rules are we're going to go out and eat.

We're going to have dinner. Maybe we're going to fuck.

And you're going to enjoy a nice lifestyle that you don't normally get to

enjoy.

So he was really funny and definitely told he was nervous.

He did eat a lot of food. I'm pretty sure he got two entrees, which was very

unique.

It's not a revelation.

I like beautiful women. I like to hang out with beautiful women. Fuck beautiful

women. We all do. I never got to do that. The women I dated were pretty,

sure.

But they were like Arkansas 8s, not LA 10s. With sugaring, I got to fuck some

LA 10s, and I think that's cool.

We got back to the hotel, and I do regret to say that I slept with Bookie

2988.

Overall, the experience, and I don't mean to fat shame or anything, but there

was rules upon rules upon rules, and it took me a lot of time to find a stick.

I am now married with two kids, and sleeping with Boogie is one of the

reasons I quit sex work.

Is that sexist to me? Sure.

Is that womanizing to me? Sure. I don't really care.

I'm a 48-year-old man. I never got to fuck a model.

Just let me fuck a couple of models. Is that wrong?

Here we have some of the women in this area that are local and ready to go out.

They'll go to dinner with you. They'll go to a show with you. Maybe they'll

come back to your place.

But they are expecting something in exchange.

But then it's window shopping, right? Like any other...

meat market like Tinder. You kind of scroll down the list of photos until you

find someone that looks interesting to you.

I think this girl is really cute.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

She's definitely a little thicker than I necessarily would always go for, but

there's nothing wrong with that.

So I deserve to go to Disneyland with a beautiful girl, right? I deserve to go

to New York and explore Times Square with a beautiful girl.

Like I deserve that and I want that and I've never had it.

Man, if I had that money back, that would be half of my mortgage right now.

$10,000 is my entire health insurance payment.

I don't know what the prostitutes did with it and I hope they spend it in good

health.

But I sure could use that shit right now.

You want to go for a walk?

He knows.

You can't tell me he doesn't know.

Leo up, baby, I know. We'll go in a second.

I've got to prep your brother.

He's great.

I actually really love him a lot.

Leo!

I know how much these things mean to you.

What's it like to have to sell them?

to be able to live so selling off these things kind of sucks because i've been

playing magic for 30 years and some of the cards in this box i opened back in

1994 i opened them in like 96 and i've held on to them ever since and that's

like they're a piece of my childhood they're a piece of my history i thought

i was going to get buried with this stuff this is this is my stuff this is

me this is part of me

And I made some money off of YouTube last month, but I did not make enough

without a sponsor or something like that. I'm not making enough, so we're

going to go to the game shop.

But this is going to keep me from going out on the streets, right? This is going

to keep me in a house.

So I think it's bittersweet. I think he would find it bittersweet. He would have

wished I'd...

I'm selling Magic cards on Whatnot. I'm selling collectibles on eBay. I'm

selling arcade machines locally.

I'll sell it all. And I'm going to sell enough to help with mortgage.

But I'm also going to sell enough to be able to play Magic tonight.

Because I don't want people wondering why I'm not there. I don't want people,

like, knowing I'm broke. Like, that's embarrassing.

I can't afford $30 to play Magic.

So I'm spending $30 to play Magic tonight.

Okay, so this month I need from you about $1,000 to make mortgage. So I need

you to pick out like $1,000 for the stuff. There's a couple of cradles in

there. There's a city of traders in there.

Well, I can do $200 apiece on this.

What?

Dude, I thought we were looking more like $400, $450 on each of these.

$175 is what it's down to. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

Good Lord.

That took a beating.

Fuck. These are reserved list cards, Glenn.

Yeah? They're not going anywhere but up.

Okay. Well, you say that, but the dual hands went down.

I mean, yeah. All right.

As long as I'm getting mortgage money, as long as I can get some cards there

tonight, okay.

You gave me these back.

Mm-hmm.

you know, to sell on until I come back in here because I'm not going to sell to

anybody else but you. Okay.

Two, no, make it three chicken quesadillas.

What's paying for this?

See, you're paying me back.

That don't hurt.

Yeah, we all look the same in a game shop. It's because we're fucking

outcasts. We're in a kind of small town. We're fucking autistic as shit. We're

awkward around women. We're awkward around people.

We don't know what the fuck we're doing.

And then I come back here and I'm looking at all the shit I need to sell.

And I'm surrounded by all this shit that I bought for YouTube videos and stuff.

And it's hard to not think about what a fuck up I am.

But that's why I go to the arcade. That's why I go to play Magic. That's

why I have my friends over.

Because for just a few hours, I'm not that fuck up from YouTube. I'm just

Steve Williams.

I'm just me.

Oh, this is my Saturday night crew. We get together every Saturday.

We eat pizza. We play Magic. We play board games. We do Smash Brothers.

Magic the Gathering. This is my crack. This is my cocaine. I met him at the

Magic Shop.

I met him at the Magic Shop.

Now, him I met at the Magic Shop.

This guy I met at the magic shop. This guy I met at the magic shop.

This guy I met because he was a roommate with a friend I met at the magic shop.

Okay, so I have a million dollar question for you guys.

Every Saturday we get together.

Every Saturday I order what? Pizza, chicken fingers, tacos.

Those are the things I normally get us, right?

Like, I normally spend like $100, $150 every Saturday to like feed us.

And... like i showed them my bank books today and i'm not like i've never wanted

to burden you guys with this but like i'm at a point where saving 300 a month

would be useful i mean we've been telling you for years that we don't care

about the food that much okay like don't like don't get me wrong i like having

snacks and soda when i'm over here because i don't eat those at my house

but we've i mean we definitely said it throughout the years like you don't have

to feed us but you you do it anyway so when are we going to start bringing

girlfriends around also when are we going to start bringing girlfriends

around that aren't hookers because that's all i've brought around for five

years i mean like we haven't had like legitimate girlfriends over in a long

time you haven't dated and in a while You haven't dated in a while. I mean,

yeah, a while. That's fair enough, yeah.

I mean, you've, like, had some... I think you've had, like... I think he's a

good guy, yeah. I think that Boogie's definitely a good guy.

He loves his friends and his family, and he cares about people a lot, and he

cares about what people think about him a lot.

He's a fun person to be around and to laugh and make jokes with.

Sometimes we open up and we have, like, really personal conversations, and I

enjoy getting to know him in that way as well.

Willing to do things for us. He's offered to take care of us or offered us

a room if he needs it.

He's still going to make some of the same jokes. We all have a sort of dry

sense of humor.

Sincere kindness.

It doesn't always show up, but he does have a lot of compassion for people. I

think he's just a guy.

With good and bad.

But I don't think he's as bad as a lot of corners of the internet think he is.

Think as long as he stops tweeting the N-word, he'll be fine.

The N-word is just a word.

If you guys left, and these cameras weren't rolling, and I was sitting here

alone in the dark, and I said the N-word, there's no magic power to it.

So say it.

Oh, no, I'm not going to say it on camera where it could hurt somebody. I

like offensive humor. I like dark jokes. I say fucked up shit. I think the darker

something is, cancer, rape, murder, child abuse,

the darker it is, the more important it is to make jokes about it.

I feel, I'm sorry you had to go through that.

It's okay.

All right. I mean, I didn't go through it. I'm still alive. She's dead.

And, yep, so fuck her.

And now she's dead. That's a lot of money, I guess, for a person of color,

or is it not? I don't know.

Someone said you can't put your finger into a clitoris.

Somebody here doesn't have a scalpel handy.

You can play that fucker just right. You can wrap it all around your fingers.

You've got to shave real thin.

Woo! That's disturbing.

That's the most fun thing.

No, I plan to shoot you, bud.

You're pointing a gun at me?

Yes.

Is this what we have to do?

Where it really went south is when one guy spent like a month of his time

gathering every link, every video clip, everything I'd ever said or done since

1998, and he compiled it into this one huge megathread. It's like 10, 15 pages

long.

And every time my name would get mentioned on Reddit moving forward, they

would all link to that megathread. Well, these people on Reddit began to bombard

my sponsors.

to make me look as bad as possible.

Every time I got a new sponsor, they would bombard me.

And eventually they dropped me.

Are you ready? Are you ready to step back into 1988?

You ready to go back to my childhood?

Because that's what's behind this star.

Do you want to know what this represents to me?

This is everything that was good about my childhood.

And when I walk back in here, it's like going back in time, except things aren't

completely shitty.

So this is the classic. I mean, I even have a Pac-Man tattoo.

This is the game I most identify with because it's about a little round guy

running through a maze trying to figure shit out, eating everything in sight.

and getting chased by ghosts of his past.

So I'm basically Pac-Man.

No, it's simple fun.

And, I mean, look at the guy. He looks like me.

I might have sprained it or broken it or something. I was walking to the bathroom

in there, and there was a loud snap sound, and things kind of

shifted in one direction.

and now my foot is swelling into my shoe and it hurts really badly

it's the fun part about being old and fat you never

know you don't know if you'll wake up tomorrow you don't know if today is that

stroke or heart attack you've been waiting on or if it's going to be a

healthy day and you feel real good for a change you never know

So I don't know.

It could fucking be today.

Do I think I'll make 50?

Yeah, probably. That's only two years away. Do I think I'll make 60, which is

12 years away?

Probably not.

Here's everything that's wrong with Boogie.

Low testosterone.

Pepticular hypogonadism.

Sleep apnea.

swelling due to blockages of lymphatic flow, seborrheic eczema, chronic back

pain, protein in urine. That's from kidney damage, folks.

That is everything keeping me alive. We have Losartan, Tramadol, Buprofen,

Sertraline. Do I deal with back pain?

I deal with nightmares?

I'm always tired.

I don't know the last time I did sleep.

Otherwise, if I don't wear this for shade at night, When I'm supposed to be

sleeping, I'm actually drowning in my own fat.

High blood pressure. History of gastric bypass.

Intestinal malabsorption. Vitamin D deficiency.

Because like most gamers, I hate the sun.

Morbid obesity.

Major depressive disorder.

Major anxiety disorder.

History of diabetes malignant.

Blood pooling in veins.

varicose veins of the legs with complications, degeneration of lumbar or

lumbosacral intervertebral disc, that means my back don't work so good,

history of basal cell carcinoma, that's cancer, and of course I can't breathe so

good, so asthma and allergies as well.

So, it's a waiting game now, and it's just about making the best of it.

You enjoy what you got when you got it.

Sometimes that's a chicken case of the air.

I wanted to make like a documentary that was generally

entertaining, you realize, wait a second, everything he says is

depressing. Everything he says is like the saddest shit I've ever heard.

And it's just about making the best of it. This is the first documentary I'm

doing. I can't put out a documentary that's this guy the whole time because I

don't want my brand new channel.

to be known as making documentaries about the most depressing people that

exist. It's just like, what the fuck happened to this guy?

What the fuck happened?

Well, he's losing...

what made people originally like him it could be as simple as just that positive

attitude why not use your only life to make the lives around you better fuck

you it's none of your fucking business it's my body it's my choice eat shit and

over time in the content we see this shift where he starts to become more

interested in money i just like making content i just like talking to a camera

i just like doing cool stuff I just want ad revenue. I just want YouTube to pay

me a fair amount. It's all I've ever wanted, right? And his concerns about

money. If I could teach you anything, it's to hold on to the money you get.

Oh, are you trying to manipulate people into giving you money? The answer is

yes. Give me some money.

And more interested in complaining.

I couldn't be more grateful. I couldn't be more grateful to people.

Want to comment? Thank you.

I'm a walking embarrassment, dude. We do. Look at me. I'm fucking disgusting.

Better I'm a piece of shit. I will never function.

The way you function.

It's not possible.

That's why if you're griping to your viewers, if you're complaining to your

subscribers, I mean, that just leaves a sour taste in people's mouth.

I think my window's closing.

And if it's not closing already, it's already closed.

Right, so if there was money to be made in making people feel depressed, I think

Boogie would be in the right business.

Like, that's just my life philosophy at this point.

Just face down in the mud.

That's pretty much how we live our lives.

That's right around the corner. Like, I have to sell this place. I have to tap

into the equity to survive. Like, that's the last of my money.

And so much of that money is going to

doctor's appointments and tests and all of

that. It's just to fucking stay alive.

There are plenty of different content creators that have various mental

illnesses all over social media.

And some just say, it is what it is, and this is what I'm going to do.

Boogie tends to be really obsessed with this idea that it's favorable to have

people feel sorry for you, and that kind of victim mentality where you can get

further in life if people have compassion on you, regardless of the

reason they're doing it.

I look awful.

If I look like I've been through hell over the last couple of days, it's

because I have been. Most notably, I've ruined my body.

Like Jerry, I ruined my own career.

Maybe it was the imposter syndrome. Maybe it's because I... It's been a

method of...

I think covert narcissism is the right phrase.

Like, oh, look at how pathetic I am. You should feel sorry for me. You would

never be mean to me because I'm so pathetic, right? Oh, I'm so fat. I'm so

weird. I'm so goofy. I'm such an old man.

I grew up in an abusive family and an abusive home.

The amount of pain that's in my head and my heart is... So vulnerable narcissism

has a number of characteristics.

A person can be considered a vulnerable narcissist without having them all.

So with vulnerable narcissism or covert narcissism, we see pessimism. I feel

defeated and confused and lost all the time, every day.

Hypersensitivity to criticism.

I can't handle this kind of hate.

I can't handle these types of attacks.

I can't do it. Reactive anger, so they're not really thinking things

through. Is this what I have to do?

So he goes by Boogie2988, was booked into the jail this morning. Need for

adoration. Can I get a round of applause?

The self-centeredness.

I'm the perfect victim. I have been victimized my entire life.

The sense of entitlement.

If you guys want to help me pay for my Tesla, please go ahead and dig deep. I

sure would like a free fucking Tesla. Leaving oneself to be special.

How many kids went on to get 4.5 million YouTube subscribers?

One. Steven!

William!

You're just watching the same things over and over again

It's

so catastrophic not happy about it People are sick of the stick

And what would you recommend to him now to get his viewers back?

I don't think he's getting his viewers back. I don't think that's a

possibility. I think the only thing to do now is go a different angle.

But I don't even know if that's possible.

I mean, I'm not going to say it's impossible, but how do you change

yourself? Viewers are smart.

They want to see you. They want to see what you're interested in.

I don't know. You've got to get a job.

Maybe in this case, GameStop.

My name is Dawn.

Dawn, I'm Boogie, or Steve.

Okay, what do you prefer to be called? Honestly, probably Steve. Let's go with

Steve. Okay, Steve. No problem. Whatever you prefer.

And so you are here today because you are seeking employment.

Yeah. You're seeking out new work opportunities.

Absolutely. Tell me a little bit about your background and where you think you

want to go with the experience that you already have.

I did work at a small gaming store back in 2006, 2007.

I am disabled.

recognized by the state of Arkansas, but also the United States government.

There's that. Now, the downside to that is I am extremely depressed. So there's

some mental health issues that we bring to the table.

And then physically, I am morbidly obese. I have no references, no work

history, and no education.

And when you Google my name, you might see rumors that I...

beat my ex-wife and I'm also a pedophile. I should mention I'm also a

felon. Okay.

What's the nature of your felony?

Aggravated assault.

How old is it?

About two years.

Okay. So I think there are some avenues you could explore.

I definitely don't think it's impossible, but you have some

challenges. Yeah. Lots of things in life are about your mindset.

and you're using weight and disability, I can't, I can't, I can't. If that is

the attitude that you're going to have when you approach everything, then you

can't, and you won't.

I did work in the porn industry for the better part of seven years, so, I

mean... Be real with me. Do you really think it would be a good idea to go to a

real interview and reference porn?

It depended on the job, I would think.

Like, at a strip club, maybe, but probably not in a more professional

setting, I would say.

Yeah. I would say that.

What would you think his chances are here of getting employment in the next

three months?

I'm not sure.

When it comes to the felony, we would have to seek corporate approval for that

sort of charge in order to proceed forward with a candidate.

And they would ultimately be the ones to make the decision as to whether or not

we would feel comfortable presenting someone like that to our clients.

Any violent felonies, violent crimes, or sexual crimes?

Hey, Mike.

Listen, dude.

I know we're making this documentary and everything, and I know you think I need

to get a real job, but I just want to let you know I'm not going to.

I'm not going to walk into some job when I have 4 million subscribers on YouTube.

I'm one of the original YouTubers.

What I'm going to do instead is go back to making content, go back to telling

stories and entertaining people.

and making money doing it.

You want to check back with me in a couple of months. Let's see how things

are going.

All right?

I'll talk to you then.

Go lay down.

Go lay down. Go lay down. Good job.

Yeah, I mean, things are great.

People are still mad at me on YouTube.

My view numbers are pretty much...

Close to zero. I'm having trouble breaking 10K on an upload right now.

Not everything is bad.

I've got at least one good thing going on.

Can I show you?

Sure.

So this is Debbie.

You can call her Deb.

Desiree. Yeah, Desiree. We've been dating now for months. A couple months,

yeah. Yeah.

I don't know what it was.

I guess it's his energy, his curly hair, his glasses. I must be into nerds.

I guess, I don't know. He's just adorable to me. I like him.

He was going through a lot.

And I randomly hit him up on Instagram, and I told him that I support him and

that I'm always here for him and stuff.

So it started from there.

On paper, it just doesn't really add up, right? It doesn't make sense on paper,

but then practiced in the reality, there was just something there.

So it was pretty crazy, but I just felt it.

I felt an energy connection to him before I even met him, and I don't know.

That's just how it is. And then the longer we spent talking, I don't know, I

eventually just realized we're the same person, doing the same thing, living the

same lives, just at different stages.

I can see myself getting married to Boogie.

I could definitely see us getting married.

In fact, I...

We may or may not have talked about it a little bit, and we may or may not sit

around fantasizing about it and thinking about what it's going to look like. And

I called you wifey the other day, and you loved it. You were so there for it.

If I proposed right now on camera, what would you do?

Yeah.

That's a good sign.

improved my life tremendously he just makes me happy the happiest I've ever

been and I'm not alone and so that he just completes me growing up without a

father figure has its challenges like you just don't have that that that

support system that you would and the advice that you need and so it's just

difficult I don't ever want to be alone that's another thing I'm just that I

just Maybe that's why I have stuffed animals. I don't ever want to be alone,

and so it's nice to have company.

I help with the dogs. I get them his water, whatever he wants and requests.

Mainly it's to take care of him. He takes care of me.

Sometimes I pick weeds out here.

It makes it look better.

I'm trying to trim down these vines, but I'm not doing a good job. I don't do

this very much.

You know, I used to have a theory, Mike, that if you are a 40-year-old man and

you have a Snapchat, that means you're a creepy dude.

Turns out my theory was right. I have a Snapchat, and I am a creepy dude.

I found that person and they happen to be 20. And I get that it's creepy to

date somebody half your age or younger, but people can call me creepy if they

want. If she's happy and I'm happy, then I will be the biggest creep you need me

to be as long as her and I are happy. You can be as mad as you want.

Sexually, we both seem to be having an excellent time. I

would say that it's the best I ever had.

What are you, a YouTuber or something?

Yeah, I've been on YouTube for about 17 years. You've been on YouTube for 17

years? Yeah, 4 million subscribers.

Okay, and this is your girlfriend, who is much younger than you,

suspiciously.

She's an adult.

You know, it's never good when you say, well, she's an adult.

I hate it when people single us out. I hate it when people like... We're going

to do that though, to be expected.

You're right, we're different.

Fuck them, right?

Yep, fuck them.

not manipulating me.

I love him for him. He doesn't control me. We're a team.

He supports me in everything I do and everything I want. He's my support

system.

Let me get a McCrispy Deluxe

combo. Make it large.

What do I think about his dire financial situation? I think it's scary.

Yeah, what's so scary about it?

That he might lose it all in a day. He might just be homeless one day.

So if I'm broke, if I go broke, okay, if we end up back on disability

and it's me, you, and Chad living in some small apartment and we're eating

McDonald's every day and that's treating ourselves.

You going to be able to handle that? Yeah, I get to meet you, Chad, at

McDonald's every day in our small, cute apartment.

Because, I mean, I'm hopeful that people will go back to watching us on YouTube.

I hope that people will be, I'm hopeful that people will, like, you know, I can

go back to live streaming full-time again and do, like, six-hour live

streams like every other streamer and, like, grind it out. But, I mean, there

is a very real possibility that one day I won't be able to do that anymore and

we're going to have to live off of whatever we can.

Are you prepared for that?

As long as I have you, that's all I need.

Have you ever thought about the fact that she's just waiting you out and

trying to take your 401k when you die?

I'm out. I'm broke.

You're broke. I'm broke, yeah.

Four million subscribers.

Even if he does go broke and has to sell the house, I'm still going to be by his

side.

He's the only one that I love and I care about, and there's only one of them. And

so I'm not just going to up and leave him for money, because money's an issue.

Because I love him, and just imagining a life without him is difficult.

I mean, my biggest fear is dying on him.

If I die in the next...

two or three years on her, that's just going to ruin her life.

I really want you to understand how actually sick I am. Like, I don't know

if you actually get it, but this is my health summary.

This is everything that's currently wrong with me.

My risk for stroke or heart attack is astronomical.

I am essentially

a walking time bomb and I'm so fucking sorry for that

I really really wish I had taken better care of my

body

I've talked to my therapist since me and her have been together about overcoming

it. My therapist keeps telling me the same thing. When you learn to love

yourself, all these things will fall into place. And we just got to teach you

those skills.

And then I turned to my doctor and I'm like, what do we do? He's like, you've

had bypass surgery. You lost 200 pounds. What more can I do for you?

I'm like, fix it, dude. Help fix it. And then they're telling me that I'm the one

that has to fix it. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

And I'm making less and less every month. And I'm scared shitless.

Making his way through the ring, Boogie Tonight!

Hey, so Mike, I just got off the phone with Keemstar, and he has a boxing event

coming up, and he's giving me a slot on the card. You got it?

This is 800 pounds in one ring. This fight pays $10,000.

No chance against me.

Boogie Tonight!

People are going to see me win this thing. This is where I turn it all

around. Right here.

Watch

the

way he hits my head. My brain got shocked with each one of them.

ricocheting against my skull.

So since you guys were here last, I did have a bit of a windfall, which bought

me some time here in this house.

The problem with that is I spent more than $10,000 getting that fight

together. So by the time all that was done...

All I did was put that $10,000 back into savings.

Being in a new relationship is great.

But, I mean, she can't help pay a $2,200 mortgage.

Okay, let's go through my monthly bills for a second.

My health insurance is $800.

I have $500 worth of medical bills. I have $500 worth of utilities.

I pay for doctor's visits, physical therapy, labs constantly.

I still have to pay for the car that I drive. I still have to pay for car

insurance. I still have to pay for health insurance. Diablo 4 came out. I

had to buy it.

Final Fantasy 16 came out. I had to buy it. Tears of the Kingdom came out. I had

to buy it. That's $400 worth of video games right there. But if you take out

all of it, You take it out. All I eat is sandwiches every day.

All I do is sit here.

I don't pay for any Netflix subscriptions.

All I pay for is internet, utilities, medical bills, mortgage. If I pay for

just that, I need $7,000 a month.

I'm not making $7,000 a month and I have no clue how to do it.

So there's something I've always wanted to try.

There's a lot of research that came out of Europe and now we're doing it here in

the United States where psychedelics can help reset certain brains.

People who experience childhood abuse, people who've gone through trauma,

people who deal with post-traumatic stress disorder.

And I'm all of those.

To be honest, I'm scared shitless.

It's one of the only things I haven't tried yet.

So let's give it a shot.

My given name is Ryan Arthur DiLeoio, and I've adopted the name Flaming Star.

There's one thing that's undeniable, is that there's always this question about

why. Why am I here?

Existence. What's really happening?

Who am I?

That's what happens when you seek out hallucinogenics. It's going to allow

everything else physically here to relax.

The emotional stuff is going to come out. Trauma is going to come out. But

afterwards, your atoms are going to go back into their original position.

That's why.

There'll be mind, body, and spirit all one together.

We're all connected.

I believe it. When you get to a certain point of understanding,

inside your intellect mind, that connectivity you realize your hands are

basically like USB ports.

So these are the... It's crazy to think that something that just grows out of

the ground has so much power, and I'm actually holding it in my hand right

now.

But here we go.

They don't taste bad.

Honestly, that doesn't taste too bad.

They're pretty good and dry.

Everybody just says it's kind of earthy.

Stem and all.

Oh, the whole thing, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Welcome to the club.

May God bless you and be with you on your journey.

Okay, so I think we've been about 20 minutes in.

About 15, yeah. About 15.

So we're about 15 minutes in, and I started to feel things are kind of wavy

and kind of disconnected.

It's kind of like my brain works on multiple channels, and I have to pick

and choose what I'm concentrating on.

I have no clue where the fuck I am or even

who I am. I don't give a fuck. I recognize you. He's about to experience

the second part of the realization of letting go.

And we're going to get to the other side of it.

I told you they'd come. It's going to get nice and bright in about five more

minutes. And the reflection in the water is really cool too.

So what do you think was the first trauma that you experienced which

basically set up like a defense mechanism for you?

Man, my parents are just crazy. They're broken people. Parents?

Yeah.

Stewards.

People who are like trying to... Oh, okay.

Okay.

Yep. That makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?

What?

Like, they don't... I mean, that shit doesn't matter.

It really doesn't matter.

That was the dumbest shit.

Oh, and it happened so long ago.

Like, I've just been waiting.

for the right time to just drop that shit.

So when did you feel the need of this separate personality?

Was that like what you used as a coping mechanism to socialize with?

Oh, that's exactly what it is, right? Like, I didn't know what the hell... I

didn't know how to communicate what I was dealing with or what I was going

through, and I just... Right? We put on these different faces in order to deal

with situations in society.

You try to give people what the hell they want.

And then you felt like that was the need to make up Francis or other

personalities? Yeah.

Are you ready to let all that go?

Yeah, please, man.

Oh, my God.

This is the first time I've ever felt happiness.

Wait, wait, what?

Happiness.

This is the first time I felt it. I don't have to tell him, man. It's all

kind of bullshit.

It's all bullshit.

It's just all the things I've been worried about.

Because you are the master of your own orchestra, man. It's a game, right?

It's up to you to choose.

Steven, can you get up?

Hello?

I'm still not sure I'm, like, really here yet.

I don't really want breakfast.

That's a change.

Jesus.

Come on, guys.

Let's go.

It's just all bullshit. Like, none of this matters.

None of it.

It's all...

a construct. It's all a simulation. It's all a, it's a fucking video game.

You know, when you die, I think I died last night.

I physically, my body was fine, but I think I went back into

the void we come from.

And I think, I think I'm still in it.

Except I'm also in this physical corporal body, but I'm also the

incorporeal being that puppets it and controls it, and goddammit, I feel like

I'm in control.

I feel like I'm in control of myself for the first fucking time.

It's the stuff that I normally worry about. I worry about my finances,

worrying about my internet, worrying about what people think about me. It's

all so incredibly stupid.

It's all just bullshit.

I think I'm going to enjoy making YouTube videos again. I think I'm going

to enjoy live streaming again.

When I make a video, 10

,000, 15,000, 20,000 people watch.

That is still my dream job.

Everybody falls off. That's part of the deal.

He had tons.

You start off as a nobody, and for a short period of time you're a somebody,

and then that star burns out like every star does.

I was lucky enough to get hit by lightning.

I was lucky enough to get to live my dream.

I was lucky enough to get to enjoy all of that, play this game the way I wanted

to play it.

I'll be gone one day, too.

But for one brief moment, we got an opportunity to shine really bright.

Oh, yeah!

Wow, that was pretty good, Bobby. Oh, my God.

You're seeing them stars in the cotton tree.

I thought it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen

You genuinely believe that I can make a comeback? I did when I showed up.

But I'm slowly realizing that you're absolutely fucked.

Okay. Unfortunately.

He got pretty mad because he can't find his Mountain Dew. And I gotta be honest,

the funniest part is he tried to find the Mountain Dew in the microwave.

Oh my God.