Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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[bells jingling]

["Little Saint Nick" by The Beach Boys playing]

♪ Ooh Merry Christmas Saint Nick ♪

♪ Christmas comes this time each year ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Well way up North Where the air gets cold ♪

♪ There's a tale about Christmas That you've all been told ♪

♪ And a real… ♪

[woman] It's been said that, according to Greek mythology,

humans were originally created with four arms, four legs,

and a head with two faces.

But fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts,

condemning humans to spend the rest of their lives

searching for their other half, their soul's equal.

♪ She's candy apple red With a ski for a wheel ♪

♪ And when Santa hits the gas Man, just watch her peel ♪

♪ It's the little Saint Nick… ♪

[woman] And if that's true,

then Zeus is an asshole.

♪ Little Saint Nick ♪

♪ Run run reindeer ♪

[woman] Sure, dating has never really been easy,

but modern dating online is even harder.

I keep thinking my perfect match has to be out there, just one click away.

-Someone kind, and honest, and ideally… -[man] Honey?

[woman] …someone that doesn't already have a wife. Am I right?

♪ …with Rudy to lead ♪

♪ He's got to wear his goggles… ♪

[woman] Despite my gut telling me that maybe I should give up altogether,

along comes Ted, a Libra who likes puppies

and offers to take me on a sunset sail

until he ghosts me.

But on a positive note,

I've turned my horrible love life into a successful online writing career.

For years, I've been chronicling my disaster dates

under the pseudonym "Always a Bridesmaid."

And people seem to love that I can't find love.

But honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.

How is it that everyone has found the one, and I haven't?

Either I'm the unluckiest woman in the world,

or my picker is broken.

It's both.

What's the one common denominator in all of these dates?

It's you.

I beg your pardon?

The common denominator is that it's a bunch of LA assholes.

That's your other problem. You're only looking local.

I had to import Mark from Ohio, for God's sakes.

You gotta think bigger.

Jesus, Nat! You only have your dating radius set to five miles.

You gotta look outside West Hollywood.

Gas is so expensive.

I mean, it'd be 40 bucks to get to Glendale, and that's only one way.

It's cheaper to do cocaine and then run everywhere.

-[chuckles] -Okay. Fixed it.

I'm gonna get a juice. Want something?

Ooh yeah, uh, grab me a Green Latifah with an extra shot of wheatgrass.

-Oh, but no kiwi because I'm-- -I… I know, you're allergic. No kiwi.

Sorry. Habit.

The last time an intern forgot, I almost died.

Natalie, where's my next story? I'm assuming your next date is lined up.

I was thinking for the next one, maybe we'll try something different. Like…

Something a little bit more upbeat?

Why the hell would you do that?

So I don't spend another evening

with a guy who was featured on an episode of Hoarders.

-It's making me miserable. -Oh, I'm sorry. [sucks in air]

Everyone's miserable, though.

But that's why Soash Media exists

to either distract people from their own lives,

or to show them that things could be, you know, so, so much worse.

Remember, a disaster for you is a hit for me. Okay?

Got food in your teeth. You might wanna… [clicks tongue]

Get it to me!

[traffic rumbling]

[Natalie grunting]

[grunts]

[sighs deeply]

[phone chimes]

[upbeat instrumental music playing]

[Roy] I'm a nude yoga instructor. Namaste.

[Rick] Semi-finalist on Dancing with the Stars.

[Vinny] Devoted feminist. Favorite movie: The Noteb--

[Greg] This could be yours, girl.

Why don't you come over and play with--

[Josh] Passionate about life and all things outdoors.

When I'm not traveling for work,

you'll find me at home in Lake Placid, New York, planning my next move.

Wow!

[Josh] Looking for a woman who's spontaneous and drama-free.

Ugh.

[ethereal tinkling]

[Natalie] Love Actually? Worst Christmas movie ever!

[Josh] Hey, Natalie.

So how do you really feel about my favorite Christmas movie?

[Natalie] It's a movie about people falling in love based on how they look.

[Josh] I like to think it's a story about the triumph of love over reality.

I can work with that.

["Everyday" by Ada Pasternak playing]

[Josh] So, what's your favorite Christmas movie?

[Natalie] That's easy. Hands down, Die Hard.

[Josh] You really think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

[Natalie] Yippee Ki Yay, I do!

[Josh] Okay. Convince me.

Okay.

[Natalie] Fine. I can give you seven reasons, to be exact.

[Josh] You've studied this in depth.

[Natalie] One, it takes place during a Christmas party.

-[Josh] Doesn't make it a Christmas movie! -[Natalie] I have more evidence.

Two, it snows at the end. Number three, there are presents involved.

[Josh] There are presents involved in most movies ever made!

You know what? I'm willing to reconsider this. I might actually--

["Everyday" by Ada Pasternak continues]

Holy shit! I mean, this guy is, like, friggin' hot.

He knows the difference between there and they are, which you'd be surprised by.

He's Asian-American and speaks three languages.

He's a world traveler but hasn't been to any places on the watch list.

-So really there's only one con. -What?

You've never seen him.

Come on. [chuckles] There's six pictures on his profile.

That means nothing. Remember the last guy you met up with in public?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

He ended up being 20 years older than his photos.

This guy could be old. He could be a waiter from the Last Supper.

-What? -Look at me. Look at me.

You do not trust anybody unless he sends you a photo

holding today's newspaper with the date on it. Okay? Yeah.

Oh yeah, that's what we're gonna do. I'm calling him to get a photo.

-No! No. -Yeah. What?

-I'm… I'm sorry. -[phone ringing]

-I'm a large woman. -No.

-You cannot get this phone. -No.

-Yeah, try me. Oh! Okay, fine! -No. Oh!

[Josh] Sounds like I'm missing a fun party.

-[both gasp] -[Josh] Hello?

-[woman laughing] -[Josh] Hello?

-Josh! -[Josh] Hey, Natalie.

-[mouthing] I'm sorry. -Hi!

-Hey. -[woman] Mm-hmm.

I… I actually didn't mean to call you. I was, um, hiking and…

-I tripped and accidentally hit "Call." -What the fuck are you saying?

-[Josh] Glad you're still alive. -What?

[Josh] I'm happy to be your emergency contact,

even with the three-hour time difference.

-[whispering] I'm sorry. -Nope. Nope. I'm still alive.

So anyway, I… I better get back to it.

-Sorry to bother you. Bye. -[disconnects]

I'm gonna kill you.

-[laughing] I'm sorry! -[text tone]

What?

-What? -Are you satisfied?

[gasps] Oh!

Yeah, she's satisfied. Oh my God.

-[squeals] -He is so cute!

-[sighs] Oh. -What is… like… what is this?

I mean…

[Josh] …but when you start making toast in the tub, that's when we'll worry.

[giggling]

You know, when I first saw your profile, I thought you'd just be another guy

who's really hot and has a dick pic on standby.

-Well, what makes you think I'm not? -[text tone]

[scoffs]

[text tone]

-Ah. -Your turn! Tit for tat, Nat.

["Roll on Babe" by Vetiver playing]

-[laughing] Oh! That's a weird Dick! -[chuckles]

At least mine's not crooked.

♪ Roll on babe ♪

[Josh] My parents got divorced when I was three,

but I got a pretty great stepmom now, so…

[Natalie] My mom passed away last year. You would've loved her.

[chuckles] Everyone did.

♪ You don't roll no more ♪

♪ I dreamt last night ♪

Honestly, I'm so over eating out. I prefer to just stay in and cook.

-[Josh] Oh! You cook? -Oh yeah. All the time.

Tonight I'll be assisted in the kitchen

by Chef Boyardee and my good friends Ben and Jerry.

♪ Roll on babe ♪

[Natalie] No way. You were chubby as a kid too?

[Josh] I swear to you.

Kids in middle school used to ask me which chin I really used.

Ugh, kids can be so cruel.

♪ …don't roll no more ♪

[Natalie] You're telling me it's really Tom Cruise flying these planes?

[Josh] That was him driving the car in Days of Thunder,

him hanging from the ceiling in Mission Impossible-- Oh, drink!

Ugh. I had no idea that this movie was so homoerotic.

[Josh] Yeah, actually I think Maverick and Iceman get married in the sequel.

Ugh. "Bottom Gun"?

I'd watch that.

Ooh! Maverick just disobeyed an order! Chug!

[Josh] What was your favorite book as a kid?

[Natalie] It was a book of poems called Where The Sidewalk Ends.

[Josh] "I cannot go to school today, said little Peggy Ann McKay."

[Natalie] I can't believe that you know that.

[Josh] Before there was Ferris Bueller, there was Peggy Ann McKay.

You know,

my, um, my mom, she used to read that to me when I was little.

It used to help me sleep, but I honestly can't

think of a single thing that's more comforting than

being read to.

[Josh] "This bridge will only take you halfway there

to those mysterious lands you long to see."

[gentle music playing]

"Through gypsy camps and swirling Arab fairs."

"And moonlit woods where unicorns run free."

"So, come and walk awhile with me

and share the twisting trails

and wondrous worlds I've known."

"But this bridge will only take you halfway there."

"The last few steps you will have to walk alone."

[Natalie groaning]

Josh?

-[Josh] Good morning. -[chuckles]

[Josh] Oh, I guess I really should have gotten the Verizon Unlimited plan.

[Natalie sighs]

["Vagabond" by Wolfmother playing]

[text tone]

♪ Oh girl I don't know all the reasons why ♪

[sighs deeply]

Natalie. My office, now.

[man] It's been two weeks. Where's my next Disaster Date story?

Um… Could you just pause for a second? It's a little distracting.

[panting] No. I can't stop. I won't stop. Now, where's my next story?

Here's the thing.

-I met someone. [exhales] -Mm-hmm.

I think this might be the real deal.

-[man] Oh boy. Here we go. -I'd like to write about that instead.

I'm not buying it.

Just go out with some Tinder tool and complain about him, please.

I don't complain.

Why'd you dump the guy with the guinea pigs?

They freaked me out.

And the guy who smiled all the time?

You could never tell if he was actually happy.

How about the guy who kept calling your relationship a collab?

Do I really need to explain?

[grunts]

[breathing heavily] Natalie, here's the deal, okay?

Your dating life is a disaster.

But you should be thankful because it's why you have a job.

[weights rattling]

What if I write a piece

about a girl on the verge of completely giving up on love

when she comes to find that the perfect guy might actually exist?

So she risks it all.

Her sanity, her common sense,

her ability to ever be on The Bachelor,

and it's worth it because they fall in love

just in time for Christmas.

-[man] Ooh, I like it. -[chuckles]

I just don't think you're the one to write it.

You gotta leave the serious stuff to the real journalists, like Steve.

Screw Steve.

I did. Hastag don't tell HR. Low-key.

You know what?

As of this moment right now, my disaster dating days are over.

I'm gonna fly to Lake Placid, New York.

I'm gonna surprise Josh, and I'm gonna get my happy ending.

I'm sorry. So, you haven't even met this dude yet?

-Well, not… not in person, but-- -Oh, I take it all back.

No, I take everything back. You should write about this.

You should fly across the country

and surprise a virtual stranger for the holidays.

This is gonna be your most epic Disaster Date yet.

Uh-oh. Who's doing the dance?

You're wrong, Lee, and I'm gonna show you.

Because this is going to be the most epic love story

that you have ever read.

Now, if you'll please excuse me, I have bags to pack.

-♪ Keep on, keep moving on ♪ -[exhales] Okay.

♪ You will not be happy… ♪

Is this insane? It's kind of insane.

-Am I insane? I'm insane. What am I doing? -No, no, no, no.

Hey. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again

and expecting different results.

You, my friend, are about to fly 3,000 miles

to meet up with a guy who is literally the polar opposite

of anybody you've ever dated before, so--

Oh my God. The mother of all ironies is

this might be the most sane thing you've ever done.

[plane departing]

[truck beeping]

[wind howling]

-[truck beeping] -Oh. Sir, excuse me. Um…

-My bags-- -[horn honking]

Ooh. Hi.

-I just landed, but my bag didn't arrive. -[game playing]

Fill out the form to your left and drop it in the after-hours slot when you're done.

[scoffs] Why would I drop it in the after-hours slot?

You're here. This office is open.

It's literally hours.

Just fill out the form, and someone will contact you.

Okay.

[text tone]

-[exhales deeply] -[text tones]

[Natalie sighs]

Is this a joke?

Oh, the gig economy's no joke.

I'll get a different Uber. Thanks.

[driver] I'm the only Uber in town.

Fine. I'll get a Lyft.

[text tone]

[driver] 4.9 stars, and I offer snacks.

Nacho cheese?

Baked potato? I've got baked potatoes.

[driver] You want some papaya? Kiwi?

[Natalie] No kiwi. I would swell up like a blowfish.

-Where am I taking you, again? -420 Holt Street.

The Lin household?

-Mm-hmm. -Nice.

-[radio chatter] -How could you possibly know that?

Josh Lin is an old buddy of mine,

and given the stuff we used to smoke in his basement after school,

that's not exactly an address you forget.

Okay. Can you please just turn the radio off? [scoffs]

-It's a great song and a classic. -["Baby, It's Cold Outside" playing]

Yeah. It's been putting the hip in Rohypnol since 1944.

[scoffs] What are you talking about? It's a cute and flirty Christmas duet.

Maybe if you're Bill Cosby.

[Natalie] If you could please change the station?

[driver] You're the boss.

♪ It's the most wonderful time Of the year ♪

[Natalie] Wow.

They really love Christmas, huh?

You should see this place at Halloween.

Stephen King is too afraid to trick-or-treat here.

Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you give this to Josh

and tell him E-Rock says to pass the Dutch? [chuckles]

-Okay, Snoop. [exhales] -Oh yeah.

Thank you for the ride.

[door closes]

♪ When friends come to call ♪

♪ It's the hap-happiest season of all ♪

♪ There'll be parties for hosting ♪

♪ Marshmallows for toasting ♪

♪ And Christmases long, long ago ♪

♪ Oh, the most wonderful time… ♪

-Oh. Hi. -Hi.

[woman] Merry Christmas. Can I help you?

Hi. Yeah. I'm, um, Natalie Bauer. I'm here to see Josh Lin.

Is he home?

Uh. He's not here right now, but I expect him any minute.

Uh, why don't you come inside and wait?

Oh. Um. Sure.

Oh my goodness. Um.

I wasn't expecting company, uh, tonight. I'm Barb. I'm Josh's mom.

-Nice to meet you. -Hi. You too.

So, you and Josh are friends?

Yeah. Yeah. I guess you could say that. [chuckles]

[man] Is that the Mormons again? For the last time, we're not converting!

[yelling] It's not the Mormons, Bob!

It's a friend of Josh's!

He does that every single, solitary time, even Halloween.

Every time it rang one year, he was like, "Is that the Mormons?"

Here is Bob.

This is Josh's Dad. And this is his Grandmother, June.

-Hello, dear! -Hi. Oh.

[Barb] Okay, that's good. That's good.

-How do you know Josh? -Ah, they're friends, Grandma June.

We're maybe just a little bit more than just friends.

Oh my God. Are you… are you his "G Word"?

-Geisha? -No.

Oh, you're his girlfriend?

I mean maybe. There's no titles yet.

Oh my! This… this is just off the charts. Look at you!

-[Natalie] Thanks. It's a new lip gloss. -Josh has a girlfriend?

Well, I mean… no…

Do we have something special? Yes.

Did I fly from LA to surprise him for Christmas?

-Mm-hmm. Sure did. Here I am. Am I crazy? -A little.

-Uh, yeah, maybe a little. -You are-- This is just so romantic.

[Natalie] Oh God, I hope so.

[Barb] Oh, Natalie, we are so--

[gasps]

That's him. Josh!

Someone's here to see you!

The UPS guy's not here to see me. Just sign for the package!

It's not UPS! [laughing]

Just come up!

["(I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight" by Cutting Crew playing]

♪ Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight ♪

♪ It must have been something you said ♪

-♪ I just died in your arms tonight ♪ -[music distorts, stops]

[Barb, Bob, Grandma] Surprise!

Natalie?

[nervously] What are you doing here?

Surprising you for Christmas!

Uh…

I…

[chuckles nervously] Um…

Forgot my luggage. So I'm gonna…

[footsteps receding]

-[door opens] -Josh, go help her with her luggage.

[Josh] Natalie!

Good work, Josh.

No, no, no, no, no. This cannot be happening.

-Look. I… I can explain! -[breathing heavily] I don't understand.

We talked. [gulps] I made sure-- The… the photo!

It had my name on it. You wrote, "Bye, Natalie!"

I'm pretty good at Photoshop.

[breathing heavily] Oh my God!

[Josh] Okay, let's take a deep breath.

Not the baby Jesus. Don't. Don't. No, no, no, no.

What kind of psychopath creates a fake profile

and then starts a fake relationship online?

[grunts] What kind of psycho

flies across the country and shows up on somebody's front lawn?

You said, and I quote, "I wish you were here with me for Christmas."

That's just something people say. Like, "Your baby's so cute"

or "My diet starts tomorrow."

-Everybody knows that. -[groans]

[Josh] Well, apparently not everybody. Mm.

Are you implying that this is my fault?

-Nobody is blaming anybody, okay? -[Natalie] Oh!

Maybe, maybe I get it, you never dated a Chinese guy before, and you're in shock!

Yes, I have. He was born in Beijing, and he was amazing in bed.

How could you lie to me? I really liked you.

I'm sorry. I… I never meant for it to go this far. Okay?

-Can we… can we go back inside and-- -No, I'm not going inside!

I'm not going anywhere with you.

I never want to see you again. Okay?

[footsteps receding]

-[Josh] You don't know where you're going! -Baby Jesus will take the wheel.

["Jingle Bell Rock" playing]

[sighs deeply]

[male patron] Yeah!

♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell Jingle bell rock ♪

♪ Jingle bells swing And jingle bells ring… ♪

Hey, um, grab me another one of these green apple thingies.

I got you. One sec, baby girl.

And so, Sarah asked me, "Would you rather have a better memory or a bigger penis?"

Okay. What'd you say?

I don't remember.

[both men laughing]

Cali Asskicker.

[man] Cali Asskicker!

[man 2] Cali Asskicker!

[man 3] Merry Christmas, everybody!

♪ What a bright time It's the right time ♪

[sound muffles]

[ethereal tinkling]

-[man 2] Get over here! -[man 3] Put 'em up, put 'em up!

-[bartender] Triple Sec. Rum juice. -Okay. Talk to me.

-[bartender] Orange juice. Kiwi. -Say what?

-[bartender] Great. -You know me.

Come on, Kerry, answer the phone.

Tell me you are calling me from his bathroom

after the most intense orgasm of your life.

[inhales] Hard to have an orgasm when you've been catfished!

Shut up. Are you joking?

[exhales deeply]

[Josh] Oh Jesus.

You're telling me the guy exists, and he's there?

Yup.

[Kerry] That is not a coincidence, bitch. That is a sign from God.

You should totally go for it.

What are you, an LA six, which makes you a Lake Placid ten?

You owe it to yourself

and your 50,000 frequent-flier miles to go for it.

Besides, what do you have to lose? Huh?

The last remaining microscopic shred of my pride and self-respect?

[Kerry] Long gone, Nat. Besides, think of the story you'll write.

Oh my God, Lee would be eating his freakin' words.

You know what, you're gonna go, and you're gonna do this,

and I… I want you to make that rugged unicorn notice you, okay?

You got this. Go, go, go, go. I love you. Call me later.

[sighs]

♪ Jingle around the clock ♪

♪ Mix and a-mingle in the jinglin' feet ♪

-Here are your drinks, guys. Get involved. -[woman] Thanks.

[Natalie] Sorry, I need these more than you do.

[woman] Hey!

The roof might not be my child…

[gulps] but I'm still gonna raise it.

[crowd cheering]

[coughs, clears throat]

[singer laughing] Hey!

Where's my drink? Who has my drink?

-[clears throat, coughs] -Okay, what do we got?

This is Christmas karaoke.

[Natalie] Just play it, please.

[continues coughing]

Okay, up next, we have Natalie doing

[sighs] her idea of a Christmas song.

Sweet baby Jesus.

["I Would Do Anything For Love" by Nina Dobrev playing]

[Natalie] ♪ And I would do anything For love ♪

-Yes! Whoo! -[Natalie] ♪ I would do anything ♪

♪ For love ♪

♪ But I won't do that ♪

Huh!

♪ No I won't do that ♪

[crowd gasps]

[sputtering]

[man laughing]

♪ Some days it don't come easy ♪

-♪ And some days it don't come hard ♪ -Be respectful.

-She has a condition. -Um.

♪ …come at all ♪

♪ And these are the days that never end ♪

♪ And some nights you're breathing fire ♪

♪ And some nights you're carved in ice ♪

♪ Some nights you're like nothing I've ever seen before or will again ♪

-♪ And maybe I'm crazy ♪ -Okay.

-♪ But it's crazy and it's true ♪ -[man] I am a Christian!

-Oh! Careful. Careful. -Okay.

♪ I know you can save me ♪

-♪ No one else can save me know but you ♪ -Mm.

♪ As long as the planets are turning ♪

♪ As long as the stars are burning ♪

[screaming]

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

-[door slams shut] -[Josh gasps]

[patron] Whoo.

-Yeah! Very solid. -[crowd cheering]

Here. You left these inside.

[gasping] Shit. There must've been kiwi in those shots.

-What? -[coughing]

[straining] Where is it? Where is it?

-Wha-- Where's what? -[gasping]

[breathlessly] My EpiPen!

Oh shit!

[light buzzing]

[exhales]

Oh! Thank God you're not dead.

[Natalie coughs] Where am I?

A hospital.

[dogs barking]

[cats meowing]

You took me to a vet?

Well, the real human hospital's 30 minutes away,

and I didn't want to risk it.

But relax, Dr. Foye is the best in town.

[breathing heavily] Hello. I'm Dr. Foye. Wow! You look a lot, uh, a lot better.

Huh? Right? Good thing Josh brought you in when he did, huh?

'Cause you were like… Whoo!

You're gonna be fine. Stay as long as you like.

Couple biscuits under the tree for you if you like.

-Thank you. -Thanks, Doc.

[door closes]

[groans]

-So, you met the real Tag tonight, huh? -Mm-hmm.

Did you really think sexy karaoke was going to work?

This is not LA, and Tag is not an LA guy.

Hot girls hit on him here all the time, and they're all the same.

If you want him to notice you, do something different.

Oh, he noticed me tonight.

Honestly, your face was so swollen, you looked more like Chucky.

I doubt he'll recognize you.

-I don't know anything about this guy. -But I do.

Not only were Tag and I best friends until 8th grade,

I have been pretending to be him for the last two weeks.

So what?

So, I know Tag better than he knows himself.

I can help you get him.

Why would you do that?

Well, maybe if I'm helping you with something,

maybe you can do something for me in return.

I am not having sex with you.

No! That's not what I'm saying at all.

I was thinking maybe you can, um, pretend to be my girlfriend until Christmas.

Um.

Why?

Did you see how my parents looked at me tonight

when they thought you were my girlfriend?

Okay, you're crazy.

Being seen with you? That would be a huge win.

I mean, you know,

look at you.

All I'm asking for is a week.

Then we'll stage a breakup, and you'll be free from me forever.

[text tone]

[sighs deeply]

[cats meowing]

You're gonna set me up with Tag?

Yes! You guys will be in love by New Year's.

Have a baby by next Thanksgiving.

By the way, do you have insurance? They were asking me.

[dogs barking]

Well, welcome to my crib.

This is where the magic happens.

That's just something people say. Not a lot of magic has happened at all.

Uh… but got a mini-fridge with all kinds of soda.

There's laundry, bathroom, foosball table if you want to play.

[insincerely] Oh. I love what you've done with the place.

Well, it's still, you know, it's pretty much temporary.

My apartment is still under renovation. It sustained a little smoke damage, so…

-[sighs] -Well, good night.

-Just make yourself comfortable. -[clears throat, chuckles] Uh. No.

You, on the floor. Now.

This is the only Tempur-Pedic in the house, and I have a bad back.

I don't care if this bed is the only thing keeping you from complete paralysis.

We ain't sharing.

-What if we put pillows in the middle? -No.

-Okay. What if we do like head to toe? -Mm. It's always gonna be no. So, yeah.

We should probably address the, uh, catfish in the room.

You do realize that at some point, you were going to have to meet me.

Well, I didn't set out to catfish you. It just kind of happened.

It kind of happened?

I had my profile up for a year, and guess how many matches I got.

Three.

And one of them was my old English teacher.

She's 70 now, and she has a pacemaker.

Having sex with her would literally kill her.

So just as an experiment,

I thought I could use a picture of a standard hot guy

and see what would happen. I got 85 matches in five minutes.

So, apparently, there's plenty of girls out there.

They just didn't want to date me.

Are you seriously looking for sympathy right now?

There are no words for what you did.

-Well, I would-- -No words!

But a deal's a deal. So let's just move on.

Okay.

[Barb] And you had to write the words on your hand.

-[Josh laughing] -He keeps taking his glove off.

His hands are freezing.

I… I… I thought your finger was gonna fall off, Dad, for sure!

-Natalie! -Oh.

Come on in, come on. Join us for breakfast. We just sat down.

Um, I actually should probably go shower.

Oh, I'm sure you look absolutely beautiful.

But full disclosure, I can't see shit.

[all laughing]

Please, sit.

Wow, this all looks so delicious.

Oh, please, help yourself to anything.

Oh, bacon?

-Oh, she's a vegetarian. -I'm a vegetarian.

But thank you, Mr. Lin.

So where did you lovebirds rush off to last night?

-Oh, we went to McGregor's for karaoke. -Mm-hmm.

[Barb] Oh, how was that?

-Oh. -It was, uh…

swell? Right, Natalie?

Well, I want to hear all about how you two met.

Oh, it's just an online dating app.

-Not much to it. -[scoffs]

Just text, text, send.

Next thing you know, she's right next to me.

-Here I am. -[Josh, Natalie chuckle]

What nonsense.

People used to fall in and out of love based solely upon the written word.

The pen is mightier than the penis.

-[chokes] -Grandma, let's-- We have company.

Let's eat our eggs before they get cold.

So, Natalie, what was it about Josh that first caught your eye?

Gee, I mean, um…

I don't even know where to start.

There was just so many unbelievable things in his profile.

His photos. I took one look at that hair, that unique physique.

Uh, I mean, that jawline. [scoffs]

I thought to myself, "It's too good to be true."

Oh no, it's true.

He's gotten more chiseled in the last couple of years.

Oh, but it wasn't just the photos that ensnared me.

His bio. He's passionate about life,

loves all things outdoors.

-Oh hey. He mentioned the store. -[Josh chuckles]

[sniffs] My father started it 50 years ago.

I run it now, but Josh is one of the salesmen.

-We don't have to talk shop at breakfast. -Oh, but it's so fascinating.

And all the travel that it must involve.

Well, if you count lunch runs to Applebee's,

then Josh travels every day.

[Natalie] Applebee's!

Applebee's!

Applebee's.

You know, I've been thinking about joining one of those dating sites.

My friend Darlene

down at Shimmering Pines, she joined one called Gray Play,

and she has seen more ass than a church pew.

-Okay, June! Seriously. -[Josh] Mom.

[Barb] Let's just… [laughs]

I could use your expertise in setting up my profile.

-Oh. Um… -Yeah.

-Okay. -Sure.

May I see yours? And can you show me Josh's?

-I didn't bring my phone. It's downstairs. -Maybe later, Grams.

Yeah. Natalie and I have to head out.

Uh, I'm gonna show her a grand tour of Lake Placid and the store.

-Oh. That's a great idea. Fun. -[Josh] Mm-hmm. Yeah.

-[Barb] Take your toast. -[Bob] Drive carefully.

Oh. Yeah.

-Mmm. So good! -She loves her toast!

["Counting the Days" by the Crystalairs playing]

♪ Counting the days Been waiting since last year ♪

Okay. The first thing you need to know about Tag

is he likes outdoorsy, adventurous women.

Not Instagram models who count carbs.

I don't count carbs.

I monitor them.

Sure. Whatever you say. So, uh, what size are you?

[scoffs] None of your business. Besides, what's wrong with what I'm wearing?

You wanna look relaxed, like you don't care.

So go put these on because Tag is gonna be here any minute.

What?

Yeah, he's got an order come in. I told him to swing by at 11:00.

-Oh, also, take this. -Uh. [sighs]

Walden? Are you kidding me? Thoreau was an asshole.

Pretend you like it because that's Tag's favorite book.

Also! When you're talking to him, throw in some rock climbing lingo.

He loves that shit.

[store patrons chattering]

[sighs]

♪ Have a holly jolly Christmas ♪

♪ It's the best time of the year ♪

[door chimes]

-[Josh] What's up, Tag? -[Tag] Hey, buddy, how's it going?

[Josh] Hey, man.

-[Bob] Is that Tag? Captain America! -How's it going?

-♪ Have a holly jolly Christmas ♪ -[Bob laughs]

-Ooh! Solid as a rock! -Thank you. It's good to see you, Mr. Lin.

-I hear you got some carabiners for me? -[Bob] Sure do. They're in the back.

-I want you to meet someone today. -[Tag] Oh? Okay.

[Josh] Yeah.

-[Tag] Nice stuff. Get some new duds in? -[Josh] Always.

Tag, I want you to meet my cousin Natalie.

And Natalie, I want you to meet my old friend Tag.

You two are cousins?

Yeah. Uh. We… Well--

From my stepmom's side, so that would technically make us step-cousins.

Oh.

A distinction that only really matters if you're from Alabama.

She's such a joker.

Yeah.

Walden?

Oh.

That's my favorite book. I reread it every year.

-Really? Wow. -[Tag] Yeah.

-No way! -[chuckles] Yeah.

Isn't Thoreau the best?

Well, some people find him a self-obsessed narcissist,

fanatical about self-control, not to mention a total hypocrite,

but personally, I find him so inspiring.

"Rather than love, than money,

than fame,

give me truth."

[sighs] I'm sorry. It gets me every time.

[chuckles]

If anyone gets it, it's me.

God.

Have we met before?

Because you look so familiar. I… I just can't put my finger on it.

Unlikely. Natalie just flew in from California this morning.

This morning.

I actually teach a survival course in Yosemite every summer.

Savage! [clears throat]

-I guess you could say that, yeah. -I love Yosemite.

It's, uh, I mean, there's some gnar-- like, gnarly climbing there.

You climb?

Me? [scoffs] Do I climb? I'll climb anything that moves.

I'm an aggro.

-Aggro? -Yeah, like aggressive. Aggro. [growls]

An aggressive climber. I climb all kinds of things like

ladders, um, houses, um, trees,

ladders…

Mostly ladders. [chuckles]

That's cool.

Um, a few of us are climbing at Rock Ventures tomorrow.

Wanna join?

Hell yeah! Let's do it.

-Great. -Mm-hmm.

-10:00 a.m.? -Perfect.

Um. Well, hey, it was nice to meet you, Natalie.

-I'll see you guys at 10:00 a.m. -See you, bro.

Climb you later! [chuckles]

Savage?

Gnarly?

Aggro?

You're the one who told me to look up the lingo!

Yeah. Real words like "rappel" and "harness."

You sound like you got Millennial Tourette's!

Well, you know what? We've got bigger problems.

I once broke my toe climbing out of bed. How am I gonna climb a wall?

I can teach you right here. I mean, how bad could you possibly be?

[screaming]

-[Josh] All right. Come down! -[panting] I can't hold on!

-[laughing] Here. Here. Come on. -[Natalie whimpering]

[exhales deeply] Sweet baby Jesus.

The key is to not focus on the wall, but to focus on your first move.

Here, look at this.

And then, your second. Okay?

Onto your third.

See, great things are done by a series of small things brought together.

-[Natalie] Hmm? -Whew.

That's actually very insightful.

Van Gogh. Feel free to use it on Tag sometime.

Any questions?

What was he like in high school?

Exactly what you'd expect.

Class president, prom king, star of the football team.

Why did you stop being friends?

[sighs] Because he got popular.

And you?

Didn't.

[door chimes]

-Go ahead, come on. -[clears throat]

[exhales] Full disclosure,

I was kind of a late bloomer too. [grunts]

I find that very hard to believe.

Yeah, well, If it wasn't for Invisalign and Accutane,

you would not have swiped on me. [grunts]

Well, if it wasn't for Tag's photos, you wouldn't have swiped on me.

[grunts] How am I doing so far?

-You're actually doing great. -Yeah?

-Yeah. -[gasps, screams]

[up-beat pop playing]

-[Natalie] Do you have a hamper? -[Josh] It's over by the closet.

[clears throat]

Is this how you boil your victims?

Careful! Careful! Careful! That's a wax warmer for candle-making.

It's very expensive.

Okay.

Grandma June makes candles?

Yes, it's one of her hobbies.

Josh Lin?

All right, fine, they're mine.

Guys can do things besides hunt and pay for everything, okay?

Plus, I see this more as a business than a hobby.

-All right. -Wait, hey, hey, whoa, whoa!

-Let's see what you got. [grunts] -Come on!

[straining] Okay.

Oh.

You see, candles are solely marketed to women.

They all smell like flowers and candy

with names like "Sweet Caresses" or "Shooting Star."

No self-respecting man's gonna buy those,

even if his apartment smells like bong water.

So, I created my own line of masculine candles

that captures the essence of a dude.

Yeah, I don't see "Compulsive Liar,"

"Left The Toilet Seat Up," or "Won't Ask For Directions" in here.

Make all the jokes you want,

but 50 percent of the US candle market is underserved.

So, then why don't you serve them?

Because a business costs money.

Then ask your dad for a loan. I feel like he's the target customer.

-Have you met him? -Yeah.

-The old Asian man upstairs? -Oh yeah.

[Josh] He's only interested in sporty, manly things.

Plus, he and my brother would just tease me about it.

-[Natalie] You have a brother? -[man] Prodigal son has returned!

-["Macho Man" playing] -Christmas may now commence!

[sighs] Speak of the devil.

Owen's here! Now it's Christmas!

Is that my baby?

-[Barb] Owen! [laughing] -Mom! Mm!

-[Bob] Hi, Chelsea! -[Barb] Merry Christmas, honey.

Merry Christmas. Look at what I got you.

-[Barb] It's so good to see you! -[Bob] Honey! Wow!

-Wow! Look at you! -[Chelsea] Merry Christmas!

You've been lifting those weights I bought you. Huh? Yeah!

-You've been so busy with the new house! -Okay. Game face.

[indistinct chattering]

[clears throat]

Hey, Joshy!

-What's going on, bro? -What's up, Owen?

-Merry Christmas, man. [winces] -[Owen laughing]

-[Josh laughing] -[Bob] Wow!

Oh, and, uh, who do we have here?

Oh, this is Natalie.

Oh, is she Grandma's new nurse?

-No. -Ah! She must be in Mom's new book club.

-No, she is-- -[Owen] Oh shit. Shit. Uh…

Is this another intervention?

No, honey. Natalie is your brother's girlfriend.

[laughs]

Oh, you're… you're… you're serious.

Really?

-Really. -[Josh] Mm-hmm.

Oh! Well, that is awesome.

Yeah, we-- You know, we were just saying in the car, right?

-We were just talking about it. -We talked about this for hours.

-[Chelsea] Yeah. Yeah. -[Owen] How is Joshy still single?

Yeah, I mean, granted, he still lives at home,

and the glasses aren't doing him any favors.

No, they're not.

-I am so pumped about this. Aren't you? -I'm so pumped.

Oh, we-- This is a Christmas miracle.

Thank you so much, Natasha.

[scoffs]

You know what? The pleasure's all mine, Oren.

["O Christmas Tree" by Stuart Roslyn & Matthew Foundling playing]

♪ O Christmas tree ♪

♪ O Christmas tree… ♪

-[Owen] Yeah, I made this! -[Bob] Yeah.

[Owen] It's still in good condition.

♪ O Christmas tree ♪

♪ O Christmas tree ♪

Speaking of stocks, uh, the market has been crazy this year.

-So crazy. -Yeah.

A lot of guys bet big on China Tire.

They lost everything except their virginity. [laughing]

[Bob laughing] Hey!

Oh my God.

-[laughing] Look at this. Look at this. -[Barb gasps] Oh, look at my little guy.

-[Owen] Look at junior jumbo Josh. -Oh no.

-We don't have to-- -[Owen] Yes! You remember this one?

That is my favorite ornament of all time.

God, you were such a cutie, Josh. Look at that rat tail. Do you see that?

He was such a cutie!

-Those chubby little cheekies! [chuckles] -He was eight.

You know, I'm actually super grateful for my awkward teenage years.

They helped me develop resilience, empathy.

If it wasn't for that, I'd be, [pfft] I don't know, uh,

an insensitive, attention-seeking [inhales deeply] jerk?

[chuckles]

Former chubster, huh?

♪ O Christmas tree ♪

[Chelsea] Tsk. Aw!

Mm!

-Where does this one go? -Oh!

That one goes on top of the… the tree.

Um. [chuckles]

I put it up every year.

It's, like, a tradition sort of thing. It's no big deal.

Actually, I was thinking maybe Natalie could put it up this year

since it's her first time here, and she's our guest and all.

Uh, yeah, well, sure. Sure.

[smacks lips]

-Thanks. -Yeah.

-I think she cut me. -It's okay, baby. I think she did too.

-[Barb] Hold on to her tight, Josh. -Oh, I got her.

-[Bob] Careful. -[Josh] Just right on top there.

-I'm gonna help her. -It's okay. Focus on--

-I got it. Oh, look at that. -[Josh] Perfect!

-It's so crooked. -It's very crooked.

-Here we go. -[Barb] Light her up.

I'll come back and fix it.

-[Josh] Whoo! -[Bob] Merry Christmas!

-[text tone] -Merry Christmas.

[Owen] Great!

[Barb] Everyone did a great job on it this year.

[Owen] Except for the star.

-[Josh] Well, especially Natalie. -[Bob] Yeah.

[Natalie] Owen really likes being the center of attention, huh?

Likes to be? He has to be. He's a Pisces.

The next time he tries to steal the spotlight, steal it back.

-Easier said than done. -No, I'm serious. Steal it back.

All right. Come on. [exhales] We gotta go. Don't want to be late.

Tag is fanatically punctual.

So, is the, uh, wall that we're climbing like the one we climbed at your store?

-Yeah. Pretty much. -Okay.

Natalie! You coming or what?

Yup. Definitely. Be right there.

-You didn't tell me he was Tom Cruise. -Oh, I thought you were an aggro.

I can't do this.

-Yes, you can. -Get this off me.

-Get this off. -Don't undo that, come on.

-Off! Off! Off! Off! Get this off me. No! -Just stop. Stop.

Stop. You got this, okay?

Here, look.

Put these in.

What? Why?

It'll help you relax. And it's your favorite song.

It's gonna help me relax. Gonna help me relax.

Yeah, it's gonna help me rel-- Oh.

["Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds playing]

Remember, one move at a time.

-What? -One move at a time!

[chuckles] Thanks, Joshy-poo. Not my first climb, though, man.

We know, bro!

♪ Won't you come see about me? ♪

♪ I'll be alone ♪

-♪ Dancing, you know it, baby ♪ -Go get him!

♪ Tell me your troubles and doubts ♪

-♪ Giving everything inside and out and ♪ -[grunting]

-♪ Don't you forget about me ♪ -[grunting] Oh.

♪ Don't, don't, don't, don't ♪

-♪ Don't you forget about me… ♪ -[grunting] Okay.

[man] Yeah, snap! [laughing] Hug those jugs!

[Tag] Natalie, kill it! Whoo!

[breathing heavily]

♪ I say La, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

-♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪ -Hah!

-Whoo! -♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

Yes! [breathing heavily]

I thought you guys said this was hard… [gasps]

Not bad. Come on down.

[panicking] Um…

Actually, I think, um…

I'm gonna stay up here and enjoy the view for a little while.

[loud thud]

My turn.

Natalie, what're you doing?

-[man 1] Go get it. -Watch, you might learn something.

[man 1] Okay, Joshy.

-[man 2] Go hard. -[Tag] Get it, Joshy!

[man 1] I see you.

[Josh grunting]

-[Josh grunts] -[Tag] All right, Josh.

[Josh grunting]

Hey. What are you doing?

-The hard part is over. Just rappel down. -Uh-uh.

You got through the tough part. It's nothing.

Oh God, this is how I die. I'm gonna die. This is… this is it. This is it for me.

Okay. Okay. I think I actually know a trick to get you down,

but you gotta trust me.

Trust the guy who catfished me?

No, trust the guy who got you up here in the first place.

Look, I know you're scared, but you've got this.

And I've got you.

Okay? I promise.

[gentle music playing]

Come on.

-Breathe. Breathe. -[breath trembling]

That was so awesome. You got all the way up here by yourself.

-Good. Okay. Stand up. -[breathing heavily]

Okay, great.

[gasps] Oh my God.

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Don't look backwards.

-[breath trembling] -Okay.

-I can't do this, Josh. I can't do this. -Yes, you can.

Slowly walk backwards towards the edge of the wall.

-What? No. [whimpering] No, Josh. -Yeah. Come on. You're doing great.

[panicking] I don't like this.

-Oh God! -It's okay. It's okay.

-[Natalie whimpers] -Now, close your eyes.

[breathing heavily]

[Josh] Take a deep breath.

-[Natalie exhales deeply] -And release.

[gasps] Oh!

[breath trembling]

Whoa!

Did you just jump? You really stuck the landing.

-What, that? -[Tag chuckles]

Yeah, you should see me on a real mountain.

-[Tag] Well, I'd like that. -Mm.

If you're not busy tomorrow morning, come meet me at Corbin Glen Park.

9:00 a.m.? And wear something comfortable.

It's a date.

All right.

♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪

[Owen] Lin family, let's go!

♪ Peace on Earth ♪

♪ And mercy… ♪

Owen seems psychotically into this.

-♪ Pray for your mercy! ♪ -♪ Reconcile ♪

-♪ Yeah! ♪ -♪ Reconcile ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

-You have no idea. -Proud voices! Loud voices! Come on!

-♪ Late in time behold him come ♪ -♪ Behold him come ♪

♪ Offspring of a virgin's womb! ♪

♪ Hark the highest, angels sing ♪

♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa! ♪

-Did he just…? -Yup.

♪ Ooh, yeah! ♪

-♪ Christ the everlasting Lord ♪ -You're off-key, Dad.

♪ Everlasting Lord! ♪

How much is too much?

♪ …the herald angels sing ♪

Other side, baby. It's your mark.

♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪ ♪ Oh, Jesus, you're the king ♪

♪ …angels sing Hark the herald angels sing ♪

[Owen] Quick finish, Grandma, don't mess it up!

♪ Glory! Son of God! Oh, Jesus! ♪

Jesus!

[Owen] Back by popular demand. Lin family carolers!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Do we have any more requests?

-"Baby, It's Cold Outside"! -Yes!

[Bob] I think we can make that happen. Who wants to take the duet?

[Natalie] Big mystery there, Bob.

Natalie and I got this one, Dad.

[Bob] Huh?

-Wait, what? -Yup.

Uh. [laughing nervously]

Over my cold, dead, lifeless body. I'm not singing that.

That is, like, the sexual assault theme song.

Hey, bro, why don't you let me and Chels take this?

-Yeah. -[Owen] Don't think she knows the lyrics.

-I do know them. I just don't-- -She knows the lyrics.

We're good.

Josh, I-- [laughing nervously]

-This is what we're gonna do. -[Natalie] No!

You just do your part.

I will change my lyrics so the song doesn't sound so, uh, rape-y.

-[Owen throwing tantrum] -Fine, let's just get this over with.

Dad? Hit it.

["Baby, It's Cold Outside" playing]

-[Owen grunts] -[Chelsea screams]

[Owen] I'm okay. Okay.

♪ I really can't stay ♪

♪ No problem there's the door ♪

-♪ I've got to go away ♪ -♪ I hear ya, say no more ♪

-♪ This evening has been… ♪ -Totally consensual.

♪ …so very nice ♪

♪ I hope you get home safe tonight ♪

-♪ My mother will start to worry ♪ -♪ Here's my phone, give her a call ♪

-♪ My father will be pacing the floor ♪ -♪ Adíos, say no more ♪

♪ So really I'd better scurry ♪

-♪ I've been saying that for a while ♪ -♪ Well, maybe just a half a drink more ♪

♪ Slow down, that's quite a pour ♪

-♪ The neighbors might think ♪ -♪ It's just my old friend Troy ♪

-♪ Say, what's in this drink? ♪ -♪ It's just lemon LaCroix ♪

♪ I wish I knew how ♪

-To take a hint? -♪ To break the spell ♪

♪ Do you know how to spell "farewell"? ♪

-♪ I ought to say no, no, no ♪ -♪ I'll call you an Uber, they're close ♪

-♪ At least, I'm gonna say that I tried ♪ -♪ I feel like you're not trying at all ♪

-♪ I really can't stay ♪ -♪ Well, maybe just go out ♪

-♪ 'Cause baby, it's cold outside ♪ -♪ Maybe just go outside ♪

[all cheering, clapping]

-[Bob] Aw! What a duet! Terrific! -[Barb] What a beautiful voice, Natalie!

-Oh no. No, I don't. -It was wonderful! [laughing]

Okay, okay. I think… I think we should tell them.

-It's time to tell them. Let's tell them. -I think it's time. Okay.

-Can I have your attention? Please? -[Barb] So clever--

Uh. You know, we… we were gonna wait to tell everyone the great news, but…

[chuckles] after hearing all this singing about babies,

we just got so darn excited, and, uh,

[inhales] uh, we just couldn't keep it to ourselves anymore. Um…

Mom? Dad?

-You're gonna be grandparents. -We're pregnant.

-[squealing] -Oh wow!

Oh, son!

Oh, come here, come here. Come on, come on, Grandma.

[indistinct chattering]

-[Barb] I'm so proud of you. -We gotta come up with some names.

[Owen] Mom!

This is gonna be so much fun.

We're gonna do the bedroom, we're gonna do the nursery room.

-[indistinct chatter] -[Barb] Oh my--

May I have everyone's attention, please?

May I… may I have everyone's attention, please?

Owen and Chelsea, I just wanna say congratulations.

Seeing you guys so happy in love and now pregnant. [chuckles]

I mean, it's a… it's a dream come true.

It's a dream I never dared to have for myself.

Finding someone to spend the rest of my life with.

It just didn't really seem to be in the cards…

until I met Natalie.

Hmm?

-[Barb gasps] -[Owen] Oh no.

[neighbors gasp]

What are you doing?

Get up.

Natalie. I… I know we haven't known each other for that long--

No, we haven't. We really haven't.

But you know what they say. When you know, you know.

[laughing nervously] I'm serious. [straining] This is not funny.

Natalie Bauer.

Stop it. Get up.

-Will you marry me? -[Barb gasps]

Stop--

He doesn't even have a ring.

Yeah, you don't have a ring.

[whispering] Say yes. Just say yes. Just say it.

Jesus Christ.

You can take mine. I don't have to be buried with it.

Oh, thank you, Grandma.

You're the best!

[chuckles nervously]

Natalie.

Will you?

[whispering] Come on. Everybody's looking at us.

-Say yes! -Yes! Yes!

[Josh whispering] Everyone's looking. Just say yes.

We're not getting any younger, dear.

Yes.

-[all cheering] -She said yes!

[Bob] Oh my God!

-Oh my God. -[Barb] Oh my goodness!

Oh, it fits perfect!

-[Bob] Oh! -Oh!

You're making me the happiest boy-- We're the happiest family in town!

-[Barb] Welcome to the family, Natalie. -[Josh] Oh, thank you, Grandma.

-Oh! -[Owen] It's crazy!

[Josh] I'm the happiest man in town. Thank you. Thank you, everyone.

-[door closes] -Okay. I… I know you're mad,

but you told me to stand up for myself, and… and it worked!

I told you to stand up, not get down on one knee!

This was not part of the plan.

I'm… I'm sorry. I got carried away in the moment.

But if you think about it, nothing's changed.

Nothing's changed?

Your grandma gave me her ring

[shouting] off of her finger!

Still, we just gotta make it through Christmas.

When you get back to LA, I just tell them we didn't work out.

And then I look like the asshole? Your family is gonna be crushed.

Don't worry. They're very used to me disappointing them.

What about Tag? I have a date with him tomorrow.

What if he finds out I'm engaged to my cousin?

He won't. I promise you that. Okay?

Everything will be fine. Just trust me.

Tr… trust you? [scoffs]

That is literally the one thing that I cannot do!

[Natalie] I even wore this stupid hat!

You wanted me to wear a hat. You're like, "It's cute." It's dumb!

[door opens] Now I'm apparently getting married! [door slams]

-[sighs deeply] -[Owen] I don't know about this Natalie.

If she wants to be in our family, I need to know who she is.

And I've been,

[chuckles] I've been searching for like an hour and nothing.

[clicks tongue] Not being Google-able is the modern equivalent

of driving a white, windowless van by a playground.

I went to prom in a white windowless van.

Huh?

I think you should just let it go.

I mean, she's not that bad, and Josh seems really into her.

Chels, the baby barely has a heartbeat, let alone ears.

Music prevents stretch marks, Owen.

[Kerry] Let me get this straight.

You're dating the real Tag, and you're engaged to the fake Tag?

Correct.

My God, honey, you are gonna make a therapist very wealthy one day.

[Natalie] This isn't funny, Ker!

I am so screwed!

[Kerry] All you have to do is make sure Tag and the Lins

don't find out anything before Christmas, and you're golden.

Just sit back, enjoy it.

[Natalie] I don't know, Ker.

I feel like this is gonna blow up in my face.

[Kerry] Honey, sometimes blow-ups can be a good thing.

You might not always get the ending you want,

but you'll get the ending you need.

-Worst case, you get a free diamond ring. -[call waiting beeps]

Oh. Hey… hey, Nat. Sweetie, I love you, but I gotta go. My sponsor's calling.

Bye, sweetie. Love you.

Hey.

Kerry?

[scoffs]

[shivering]

[Bob grunts]

Is everything okay?

Oh, uh, Natalie, can you please hand me my… my wrench?

[clicks tongue] Uh, yeah.

-Here. -[Bob] Thanks.

No problem.

[grunts] Got it.

Whew.

Damn flue always gets stuck.

[Bob exhales]

Oh, would you like to help me with kindling?

Sure.

[Bob grunts]

Just roll it lightly and scrunch.

[Bob chuckles]

Yeah, my dad didn't set fires unless there was an insurance claim involved.

Who's that?

Oh.

Oh, that's my dad.

Yeah. He passed a few years ago.

Oh, I'm…

-[Bob] Oh. -I'm sorry.

You know, that man loved two things in this world,

his family and Christmas.

He used to climb up on the roof every Christmas Eve and stomp around

so the boys knew Santa had arrived.

-He fell off one year and broke his arm. -[gasps]

But he told the boys he broke it, protecting their presents from the Grinch.

[both laugh]

He sounds like a great guy.

Yeah.

Hey, listen, um…

I just wanted you to know that

we're really happy to have you joining the family.

[exhales deeply]

Okay. Well, enough of that. [chuckles]

Ready to give this bad boy a go?

Sure.

[Bob chuckles]

Oh. Okay. All right.

[birds squawking]

[Natalie] This is the most beautiful hike I've ever been on.

[Tag] I'm glad you like it.

I used to come here every day with my golden retriever, Chewy.

He passed away last year, actually.

-I miss him every day. -Mm.

He would've liked this hike a lot…

Mm.

…and you.

[chuckles]

This has been nice. I haven't been on a hike date in years.

Oh, this is not the date. It's just a warm-up.

-You ever been bobsledding before? -[rumbling]

I'm not good at this kind of stuff, Josh.

Okay. You just have to relax.

Relax? I can't relax. The tension is the only thing holding me together.

Put in your AirPods, and put on some music.

I don't know if I have them.

Actually, I think I have something even better.

Oh, um, E-Rock says "pass the dutch."

E-Rock?

When did he get out of jail?

[Tag whooping]

[screaming] Yeah!

[continues whooping]

How are you feeling back there, Natalie?

[Natalie spacey] Flying high back here.

[Tag whooping]

[door closes]

-[footsteps approaching] -[Natalie humming]

[Natalie sighs happily]

[scoffs] Glad you're not dead.

Oh! I've never felt more alive!

Not only did Tag ask me to dinner tomorrow night,

but I'm pretty sure I qualified for the winter Olympics in Beijing. [chuckles]

Oh!

[squeals]

For the first time,

I met someone who's as perfect in person

as they are on paper. [chuckles, moans]

I hate to break it to you, but Tag is actually far from being perfect.

In first grade, he had a lazy eye and needed to wear an eye patch.

[scoffs] Why are you being all weird?

I'm just trying to point out that in some cultures,

height and facial symmetry are repulsive.

[smacks lips] It's a good thing I'm not part of those cultures.

Whatcha doin' over here?

Just mixing some new scents.

[sniffing] Mmm.

Smells like freshly cut grass.

-Well, that one's called Lawn Mower. -[Natalie] Mm.

[inhales deeply]

Mmm.

Getting a feeling.

Bear with me. Um… [sniffs]

It's like a-- You know those [chuckles] blue-collar mechanics guys

with the tight shirts, that put in a hard day's work?

Jiffy Lube is what I'm calling it.

[smacks lips] You might want to rethink the names, but you did nail the scents.

Oh, sorry, that's just for me.

Ooh. Yeah, well, looks like now it's just for me.

[sniffing] Mmm!

Eucalyptus. I love eucalyptus.

And Old Spice.

And there's, like, a tiny little tinge of, hmm… gasoline?

What is this one?

Grandpa.

I started making candles because of him in the first place.

You know they say a scent can make a memory come alive.

So I made one of him.

It's lame, I know.

No.

It's not lame.

[soft piano music playing]

It's actually really sweet.

[Barb] Hey, guys, the movie's about to start!

[exhales] What movie?

The greatest Christmas movie of all time.

["Silent Night" playing]

It's carol singers.

♪ Holy night ♪

[Grandma] I've seen him in something.

He's from Game of Thrones.

No, he's from that zombie show.

Walking Dead.

Ew. I hated that documentary.

Guys, come on. This is my favorite part.

♪ …Mother and Child ♪

Oh shoot.

-♪ Holy infant so… ♪ -[gasps] Oh!

Oh, look! It's going to print! Little lovebirds.

Your engagement announcement. It's gonna be in the Gazette tomorrow.

["Blood On My Hands" playing]

♪ God damn, I got blood on my hands ♪

♪ God damn, I got blood on my hands ♪

-[dog barking] -[Natalie laughing]

-♪ God damn, I got blood on my hands ♪ -[car remote beeping]

♪ Say you wanna ride, better buckle up ♪

-♪ Yeah, you say you ride or die… ♪ -[Josh] Get in! Get in!

♪ Yeah, you really 'bouta lie Pump, pump it up ♪

♪ Cuz we been… ♪

You can run, but you can't hide!

♪ Say you wanna ride… ♪

Oh shit. Stay down. Stay down.

♪ God damn, I got blood on my hands ♪

-[panting] He's gone. -Are you sure?

I'm pretty sure that paperboy is gonna get fired over this.

-I'll give him a job at the store. -Oh, well, I hope he likes to travel.

-That's an upgrade, I'd say. -[chuckles]

[Josh] Okay. This is the last street. I think we got all of it.

Oh my God. [laughing]

I mean, I… I look like a deer in the headlights in this photo.

-[Josh] No, you don't. [breathing heavily] -Yes, I do.

It's a pretty decent photo of you, though.

Look at that.

Probably the only one in existence.

[scoffs] Come on, Josh.

I know a lot of girls who'd be very into you.

Well, they're definitely not on FlirtAlert.

Do you still have your original profile photos?

-Oh my God, you do. -No.

Come on, show me.

-I deleted the whole thing. -[Natalie] No, you didn't.

Please?

-No. No. -I know you. I know you.

-Okay. Okay. -Show me the photos!

[Josh exhales, sighs]

[giggles]

Dude. You're holding an ax. You literally look like an ax murderer.

I was going for, like, a rugged look.

Okay.

[Natalie chuckles]

What? Who doesn't like a bathroom selfie? I looked kind of cut that day. Look.

No one loves a bathroom selfie! Also, why are you holding a wrench?

I was fixing the toilet downstairs. Girls like guys who fix things.

[Natalie snickers]

[Josh] What?

Okay, okay. Come here. Come here.

Let's recap for a second. You're holding a wrench, an ax, and some rope.

Were you actually trying to find a girlfriend

or the person who murdered Colonel Mustard in the library?

No wonder you only got three matches. You were hiding your strengths.

And what strengths are those?

Well. [clears throat]

For one, you have very nice eyes.

You gotta show those puppies off.

And those teeth.

You have really straight teeth.

They're freakishly straight.

Well, five years of braces.

-So then smile more! -[touching music playing]

[sighs]

There you go. [chuckles]

-[laughing] -There it is.

I'm kidding. [giggles]

But more importantly, you're a good guy, Josh.

Well, I don't know how to show that in a photo.

Well, for starters, you have to believe that it's true.

And then, once you do,

trust me,

it'll show.

[touching music continues]

Promise me that when this is all over,

you'll put up an honest profile with real photos

that show the real you.

I promise.

-[knocking on window] -I know you're in there, you mofos.

I can see the steam!

Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Sure you don't want to stay the night? We're making a gingerbread house.

[Natalie] I told Tag I'd meet him at eight.

Hmm.

[Natalie] Okay. So?

What do you think?

Wow.

I know. I-- It's the best I could find in your mom's closet.

But I did have to make a couple of alterations. I hope she doesn't mind.

No. You look…

perfect.

[scoffs] Okay.

No need to oversell it.

-So, where are you guys going tonight? -[smacks lips] Um… Abbott's, I think.

-You know that's a steakhouse, right? -Yeah. His parents own it.

Right, and you're vegetarian,

but Tag's a real meat-and-potatoes type of guy,

and he likes his girls the same way.

Okay, so I'll eat a potato.

Worst case, maybe I'll have a little meat.

Yeah, don't you think this is going a little too far?

No.

Okay. Pretending to like rock climbing or a book, that's one thing.

But now you're compromising your beliefs.

Okay, relax. It's not like I'm opening up a slaughterhouse.

Well, it's meat today, but then what are you going to lie about tomorrow?

I'm… I'm sorry. [scoffs] Lie?

Let's not forget the only reason I'm here is because you lied.

-I lied about a photo. -[Natalie] No.

You hid behind a photo. You lied about your identity.

But it was still me.

Every conversation we had, every text we exchanged,

every laugh we shared.

It was me.

You liked me.

And you like me so much,

you flew across the country to surprise me for Christmas.

You're right. I liked you.

But you were a lie.

A piece of fiction.

[inhales]

[soft music playing]

Good evening. Any questions on the menu?

I will have the porterhouse.

And how would you like that cooked?

You know me. So rare, a good vet could bring it back to life.

[laughing uncomfortably]

[Barb] Josh, I'm sorry that Natalie couldn't be with us tonight.

Where is she?

Uh, Abbott's.

[Grandma] What's she doing there?

Uh, she's just… uh… uh… sampling the menu, uh, for the wedding meal.

[Grandma, Barb] Mm.

Isn't that something you do together?

No, it doesn't matter what I like.

You know, as long as she's happy, I'm happy.

Ah crap. I'm out of Twizzlers.

How can I build my beautiful roof without Twizzlers?

I'm gonna head to the store real quick.

Uh, and I'll be right back. Anyone need anything? No? No? Okay.

So, um, what do you think of the place?

[smacks lips, sighs] It's really something.

You can see Bambi without actually going to Disney World.

You know, I shot that one, actually.

-Wow. -Yeah.

["Santa Knows Your Secrets" by Night Heart playing]

♪ Santa knows your secrets ♪

♪ Santa knows your secrets ♪

[Tag] Okay, so you like pizza, rock climbing, and Thoreau.

-Mm-hmm. -[Tag] What else do you like?

[smacks lips] Movies.

Specifically, Die Hard.

It is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.

Well, cheers to that.

[Natalie] I totally love Christmas,

but Santa's actually kind of creepy when you think about it.

He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake.

He always makes you sit on his lap.

Yep. Totally agree.

I mean, that guy is everything that's wrong with Christmas.

It's pretty much why I don't celebrate it.

[laughing]

Oh, you're serious? You don't celebrate Christmas?

No.

Stopped three years ago.

-Why? -Because it's a total scam.

Okay.

Really? [softly] Okay.

[Natalie] Oh, uh, don't pull up to the house.

-Everyone's sleeping. -[Tag] Okay.

[Natalie] No offense, but your car is a little loud.

[Tag scoffs]

Okay.

Well, I had a really nice evening.

I did too.

Thank you.

Thank you. Um…

Good night.

Good night.

[door closes]

[engine revving]

[sighs]

[soft guitar strumming]

[Natalie groaning]

There's cereal in there.

Hey, Josh, listen. About what I said last night, I--

Look, you don't have to say anything.

No, I want to.

-[Grandma] Hey, kids. -I shouldn't have--

I need your help. Go get dressed, and meet me at the car.

Where are we going?

Shimmering Pines.

Come on, Grandma. Just ask Mom to help. Okay? She loves that place.

I don't need your mom. I need you.

[chattering]

We're starting now. We're going to start now, everyone.

We're going to be starting now.

Many of you've expressed interest in online dating.

Well, I've brought you two experts.

My grandson, Josh, and his fiancée Natalie.

[woman] Oh.

They actually met online and now are engaged.

[group exclaiming]

[Grandma] So, who better to come and talk to you about

the dos and don'ts of online dating?

Any questions?

How do I make it clear

that I'm not looking for anything long-term?

[group] Yeah.

Um… I… I think that might be implied.

Do I have to mention my Parkinson's?

I think being honest is always a good idea.

-[woman] Oh. -What if I spruce it up just a little bit?

Instead of "has Parkinson's,"

I go with, uh,

"Always on the move."

-[group chuckling] -Ooh, that's a good idea! I like that.

I want to avoid mentioning that I'm in a wheelchair.

Then just change it. Say, "I enjoy rolling with my homies."

-Yeah! That's good. -Oh, that sounds really good!

Guys, I… I think you guys got the wrong idea.

And will the fact that I live in a nursing home turn off a lot of men?

-[Josh] Uh. -Not necessarily.

Just say, "Into the group thing."

[group exclaiming]

And then Hank there would prefer staying in over going out.

[group laughing, chattering]

Stop. Stop. [spluttering] Everyone just stop.

[group quiets]

[Josh] I… I get it.

I… I really, really do.

You wanna put your best foot forward.

You lived a full, vibrant life, and you're a good person.

Traveled the world, fought in a war.

And Gladys, you met Sinatra.

I heard about your night at the Flamingo.

[sighs]

But then the insecurities creep in, and you start with a slight exaggeration.

Still you, just a shinier version.

But… you like it.

So you tweak it just a little more

until the real you, which was probably pretty great to begin with,

is unrecognizable.

[somber music playing]

But here's the thing.

You're not just fooling yourself.

There's someone else on the other side of that lie

falling in love with a version of you that doesn't exist.

And that's not fair

because the only way it ends for them is disappointment.

And the only way it ends for you

is heartbreak.

If I've learned anything,

it's that love doesn't have to be perfect.

It just has to be honest.

-Is "curvy" spelled with a Y or an EY? -[man] There's no E.

[indistinct chattering]

I guess I never realized. I was so busy being mad at you

that I… I never stopped to think about why you actually did it.

Look. Natalie,

the… the why doesn't even matter anymore.

It was wrong. I shouldn't have asked you to lie in the first place.

And I'm just gonna go to my family and come clean with everything.

Wait, what? No. No, no, no, no. You can't do that.

Josh, this isn't all your fault. I mean…

Besides, a deal's a deal. We've made it this far.

It's only two days till Christmas. Let's stage a breakup like we planned.

Don't worry, I'll sell it.

I don't know. It… it doesn't feel right.

Grandma, the car's that way!

Grandma! That's the wrong way!

Wait up!

Grandma, where are you going?

-[woman whispers] Here they come. -[all] Surprise!

[Owen] Hey, guys!

Oh, we are so excited to have you join the family!

[exhales]

Your parents threw us a surprise engagement party? Here?

Yeah. Not ideal.

[Bob] Let's party!

-Hi. -Hey.

What are you doing here?

Your aunt asked if we could throw a surprise engagement party for Josh here.

-I figured it's the least I could do. -Oh.

Where's the bride-to-be anyway? I haven't met her yet.

She's doing the rounds.

-Congratulations, dear. -Thank you. You look hungry.

Why did he just congratulate you?

-Oh. You didn't hear? -Uh-uh.

I was the millionth customer at the Supermart. Hmm.

-Huh? -Free non-perishables for life.

-Wow! -Yeah, lucky me!

-I know a great charity that-- -Do you know where the coat check is?

-Yeah. Oh, okay. Uh-huh. -Do you mind taking that for me?

-Thank you so much. -You… you look great, by the way.

Thanks. [sighs]

Hors d'oeuvres?

[Eric] J-Dog! Congrats, my man!

E-Rock! My mom really did invite everybody in town. Huh?

Well, actually, I was just dropping off your, uh, your lady's suitcase.

There's so much nice underwear in there. You're a lucky guy.

I gotta say I'm surprised. [clears throat]

Lee?

-I didn't think it was gonna work out. -How… how… are you here?

Duh, first class, honey. I'm not a peasant.

No, I… I mean, um--

Listen, you're not the only one that can stalk people on the internet.

I found out about this little soirée courtesy of Barb's Facebook page. Hello!

[breathing heavily]

Hey, how's it going?

So, Tag and Lee are here.

-Lee? Are you dating two guys now? -No, he's my boss.

What? Why is he here?

Because God hates me.

Glenlivet 12, neat.

That's a man who knows how to drink.

Just act natural. We'll figure a way out. We just got to stick together. Okay?

Hey, babe. I want to introduce you to my parents.

I'm out.

What brings you here?

I'm Natalie's boss.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

Tell me more.

Mom, Dad, this is Natalie.

-Hello. -Hi.

-Hi. -Tag's told us so much about you.

He never says anything about his girlfriends, so…

Dad, come on.

Girlfriend. Wow. It's… it's so, so nice to meet you.

[breathlessly] I think I'm just gonna go use the ladies' room.

Hey, not so fast. We need to talk.

-I'm kind of busy, Owen. -Oh, talking to your lover, Tag?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw you two here last night looking pretty damn cozy.

Okay, it's not… it's not what you think.

Ah, that's funny, because I didn't know what to think

until I spoke to your boss a few seconds ago,

and now it all makes sense.

Okay, look, I… I can explain.

-So the thing is-- -La-la-la-la…

I don't want to hear it. I just want you to stop this charade with my brother.

Two glasses of Veuve, please.

-Tag, [burps] what's going on, bro? -What's up, E?

Can you believe that J-Dog is getting married?

-Chick's pretty cool too. -I haven't met her yet.

Well, she's right there.

Dude, that's his cousin.

I don't judge. You love who you love.

No. You know wh--

Why should I believe what comes out of your mouth?

-Are you serious-- -Hey! Everything okay here?

-No! -Yes.

Natalie, she didn't come to New York for love. She came here for a story.

She's been playing you since day one, bro.

She's a writer for a Disaster Date column, and you're not her fiancé.

You are her subject.

-Don't-- -Wait. What? Nat.

What is he talking about?

[Bob] Could I have everyone's attention?

[sighs]

I'm not one for speeches, so I'll keep this quick.

Uh…

Josh.

I know we haven't always seen eye-to-eye on things,

but you're a good kid with a big heart,

and after spending, uh, the last week with your beautiful bride-to-be,

I think the whole family agrees that you've picked a winner!

I couldn't be happier for you, son.

So let's all raise a glass to future Mr. and Mrs. Lin,

-Josh and-- -No!

Not yet. Um…

Uh…

[Natalie] We can't cheers before all the speeches are done.

I mean, I'd like to add to your beautiful, beautiful speech

with my own speech.

A speech sequel, per se,

about, um, love, and, uh, Josh,

and…

[breathing heavily]

-[man] And? -[crowd murmuring]

…dishonesty.

Because that's what I've been,

dishonest

with Josh, and the Lins,

Tag,

everyone, really. I--

[Natalie sighs]

[whispers] Here it goes.

[inhales] Four weeks ago, I met a guy online.

He was smart, funny, sweet, and he looked like him.

So, I decided to come here and surprise him for Christmas.

But when I got here, I realized that the guy

I was really talking to was him.

I got catfished,

and I was furious.

But Josh told me that he would help get me Tag

if I pretended to be his girlfriend for the holidays.

And I honestly just--

I… I thought that my perfect match was here,

so I agreed, and I pretended to be someone that I'm not, but…

[exhales] I just wanted my happy ending.

[scoffs]

[Natalie] But I can't do it anymore. I… I… I can't lie.

I just can't, I'm sorry. I…

I'm so sorry.

Do you even climb?

What about Thoreau?

I hate him.

Bobsledding?

I literally had to get stoned to get through it.

[chuckles] Yeah. Now, that's my girl.

[Tag] Okay, so… so you got mad at Josh for catfishing you,

and then you go and do the exact same thing to me.

[breath trembling]

Congratulations.

And… and by the way,

Die Hard is not a Christmas movie.

-[gasps] -[Tag] Yeah.

[crowd murmuring]

[door opens]

Okay, all right, show's over. Nothing to see here, all right?

Okay? All right?

All right. Time to go home. Stop looking at my brother.

["Read My Mind" by Golda May playing]

♪ On the corner of Main Street ♪

♪ Just tryna keep it in line ♪

♪ You say you wanna move on and ♪

♪ You say I'm fallin' behind ♪

♪ Can you read my mind? ♪

[sighs]

♪ Can you read my mind? ♪

♪ I never really gave up on ♪

♪ Breakin' out of this two-star town ♪

♪ I got the green light I got a little fight ♪

[Natalie] A passion whose flame fails to be fanned eventually burns out.

Don't be afraid to be you. Natalie.

[door opens]

[Barb] I was happy with their meat.

[Bob] That's what they're known for. Good old steak as always.

[footsteps approaching]

She's gone.

[somber music playing]

[Barb] Baby.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Thank you, Grandma.

Chin up, brother bear.

[softly] Sorry, Josh.

[Josh] It's okay.

[Bob sighs]

Here's the deal. Things happen for--

I'm sorry, son.

What are all these?

Oh, just candles I made. It's… it's nothing.

You made this?

You make candles?

It's… it's no big deal. It's just… it's just a hobby.

Wow! I don't know how you did it, but… [sniffs]

this smells exactly like Grandpa.

It's as if he's here in the room with us.

I can smell his aftershave.

The wool of his sweater. [sniffs]

Wait, there's something else that I just can't place.

-Eucalyptus? -Bengay.

[both laughing]

[inhales] Well.

That's one hell of a hobby.

Actually, Dad, it's not just a hobby.

I… I think it could be a business.

A big one.

I know, it's not like helping someone ascend Everest

or providing scuba gear for the Great Barrier Reef,

but it's what I want to do with my life.

Wait. Uh…

Are you saying you don't want to work at the store anymore?

[softly] No, I… I don't.

I'm… I'm sorry, Dad.

Oh. [chuckles]

Thank God.

[touching music playing]

I love you, son, but you're terrible at selling sporting goods. [laughing]

I know!

So--

You're… you're not mad at me?

Ah, of course not.

My son wants to make candles,

so go make candles.

Yeah.

[exhales]

[chuckles]

[sighs]

♪ Hap-hap-hap-happy New Year ♪

♪ Hap-hap-hap-happy New Year ♪

♪ Hap-hap-hap-happy New Year ♪

You won't find my article in the bottom of that glass.

[coughs] Jesus Christ, Lee. You're everywhere.

[in Spanish] A beer, please.

[bartender] No problem.

[Lee] So, kiddo. That was one hell of an engagement toast.

Seriously, though, that train wreck was a little too much, even for me.

-Are you all right? -[exhales]

Did you see the look on Josh's face? I'm the furthest thing from all right.

Hmm. When you found out you were getting catfished,

why didn't you just leave?

Because I owed you an article, and I didn't want to get fired.

I fired you four times. You just keep showing up.

Why did you really stay?

I… I… I don't know.

[Lee] Okay. I mean, I just find it odd

because you usually run at the first sign of imperfection.

Josh is imperfect, but yet you decided to stay?

It doesn't really matter.

Honey, it's the only thing that matters.

[sighs]

I think I'm gonna head back up to my room.

-This article isn't gonna write itself. -[Lee] Good idea.

Just because we're girlfriends now doesn't mean I won't fire you.

[exhales]

["Call It Dreaming" by Iron & Wine playing]

[clears throat]

[Natalie] Webster's Dictionary defines love as…

To paraphrase my girl Celine Dion, "My heart, too, will go on."

♪ Any rain softly kisses us on the face ♪

♪ Anywhere means we're running ♪

♪ We can sleep and see 'em coming ♪

What?

-♪ Where we drift and call it dreaming ♪ -[growling]

♪ We can weep and call it singing ♪

♪ For all the love you've left behind ♪

♪ You can have mine… ♪

[Natalie] Half of you love a great Disaster Date story.

The other half, a storybook romance.

Now, the first half of you are going to be really, really happy.

Allow me to explain.

It all started with a swipe.

Tag Abbott, he may as well have been Zeus's son…

Josh Lin…

His family took me in. I have never felt worse in my entire life.

So, there you have it, folks. Another disaster for the record books.

But this time, I realized that in order to find true love,

I need to be honest about who I am too,

and maybe that's been the problem all along. I mean--

I've been so focused on other people's dishonesty

that I never really stopped to look at my own.

And maybe if I did, I'd finally see what's right in front of me,

and perhaps the ending to my story could be…

Um…

[phone chimes]

[emotional music playing]

[softly inhales]

[knocking on door]

[emotional music continues]

[Barb] Who is it?

It's the Mormons.

[Bob] For the last time, we're not converting!

["Curls" by Bibio playing]

♪ To see within Is to feel without a light ♪

♪ Who'd have thought That we'd break the things we like? ♪

♪ To find a stone Just to bounce across the pond ♪

♪ Is the path it makes That's a clue to other songs ♪

♪ Her hair, it curls In the depth of the night ♪

♪ The scent recalls Like a photograph with life ♪

♪ Her hair, it curls In the depth of the night ♪

♪ The scent recalls Like a photograph with life ♪

♪ To live without Is to live under a spell ♪

♪ Who'd have thought That we'd turn our home to hell? ♪

♪ To find a bone And to float it down the stream ♪

So, what do we do now?

-Kiss her, you idiot! -[Josh laughs]

♪ Her hair curls In the damp of the night ♪

♪ The scent recalls Like a photograph with life ♪

♪ Her woolen coat Under yellow sodium lights ♪

♪ Records the air like a memory of night ♪

♪ Her hair, it curls In the damp of the night ♪

[Natalie] So, yeah. I thought I'd flown 3,000 miles to see how my story ended.

And instead, I found out how it begins.

♪ Records the air like a memory of night ♪

-[Bob] Come over. Yeah, yeah. -Okay, this is not mine. This is Josh.

Owen! Owen!

[indistinct chattering]

[Barb] You two, time for presents!

I gotta warn you,

my family is pretty intense when it comes to Christmas presents.

[Natalie scoffs]

You don't say.

[Barb] 'Cause that wires kinda goofy.

Hey, you two.

Quick question. What's a dick pic?

-Um… -[Chelsea] Ew!

[Owen] Grandma, why--

-[chuckles] -You want to take this one maybe?

♪ Santa's bringing all the toys In the dead of the night ♪

♪ The kids are sleeping And mama's got a bottle of wine ♪

♪ Sleigh bells ringing And Rudolph's running behind ♪

♪ But nothing's stopping Christmas From coming this time ♪

-♪ It's a very ♪ -♪ Very ♪

-♪ Merry ♪ -♪ Merry ♪

-♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪ -♪ Very Merry ♪

-♪ Make it a very ♪ -♪ Very ♪

-♪ Merry ♪ -♪ Merry ♪

-♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪ -♪ Very Merry ♪

-♪ I need a very ♪ -♪ Very ♪

-♪ Merry ♪ -♪ Merry ♪

♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Man, there's nothing like this Time of the year ♪

♪ All this snow won't keep us From painting the town ♪

♪ Stuck at home for too long It's time to get out ♪

♪ Mistletoe up high It's about to go down ♪

♪ A good ol' year, I think we earned A little fooling around ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ It's a very ♪ -♪ Very ♪

-♪ Merry ♪ -♪ Merry ♪

-♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪ -♪ Very Merry ♪

-♪ Make it a very ♪ -♪ Very ♪

-♪ Merry ♪ -♪ Merry ♪

-♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪ -♪ Very Merry ♪

-♪ I need a very ♪ -♪ Very ♪

-♪ Merry ♪ -♪ Merry ♪

♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪

♪ No, there's nothing like this Time of the year ♪

♪ One more time ♪

-♪ It's a very ♪ -♪ Very ♪

-♪ Merry ♪ -♪ Merry ♪

-♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪ -♪ Very Merry ♪

-♪ It's a very ♪ -♪ Very ♪

-♪ Merry ♪ -♪ Merry ♪

-♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪ -♪ Very Merry ♪

-♪ It's a very ♪ -♪ Very ♪

-♪ Merry ♪ -♪ Merry ♪

-♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪ -♪ Very Merry ♪

-♪ Make it a very ♪ -♪ Very ♪

-♪ Merry ♪ -♪ Merry ♪

-♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪ -♪ Very Merry ♪

-♪ I need a very ♪ -♪ Very ♪

-♪ Merry ♪ -♪ Merry ♪

♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪

♪ No, there's nothing like it ♪

♪ Nothing so exciting ♪

♪ No, there's nothing like This time of the year ♪

[upbeat music playing]

[folk guitar music playing]

[holiday music playing]

[bells jingling]