All language subtitles for As Good as It Gets (1997) (1080p BluRay x265 afm72)_Legendas01.ENG-eng

I'm just gonna get
some flowers, dear.
I'll be back in 20 minutes.

It's tulip season today,
and I'm, oh, so happy.

[ Elevator Bell Rings ]

Son of a—
[Man]
Come on, sweetie.

Come on, sweetie.

Excuse me.

Yes, come on.
Come on, now, sweetheart.

Come on, sweetie.
Come on.

Go for a little ride,
then you can whiz
all over the city.

Come on.

Come on.
Go for a ride. Come on.
Come on, sweetie.

No!
Freeze, freeze.

Leg down. Leg down.
Leg down. Leg down.

That's it That's it.
Come on, now.

Come on.
Come on, now.
Come on.

No! You monkey-eared
son of a—
[ Growls ]

You... have pissed
your last floor.

I bet you...
wish you were...
areal d—

Oh!
Oh, you—

you dog-eared monkey.

This is New York.
If you can make it here,
you can make it anywhere.

You ugly, smelly—
[Loud Banging ]

[Dog Whining ]
[ Banging Continues ]

[Man]
Verdell?
Uh-oh.

Verdell? Verdell?

Where's my good doggie?
Verdell?

Come here, sweetheart.

- Mr. Udall?
- Mm-hmm?

- Have, uh—
Have you seen Verdell?
- What does he look like?

Uh, my dog.
You know, my—

my dog with the little face,
little adorable face.

Don't you know
what my dog looks like?

Oh! 1 got it. You were
talking about your dog.
Yeah.

I thought it was the name
of that colored man that
I've been seeing in the halls.

Which color
was that?

Uh, like thick molasses.
Uh, with a broad nose.

Frank!
Perfect for smelling
trouble and prison food.

Frank!
Simon, you have got
to get dressed.

- Frank Sachs, Melvin Udall.
- How ya doin'?

Frank shows my work,
Mr. Udall.

I think—
Yeah, I think you know that.
People are gonna start coming.

What I know is as long
as you keep your work
zipped up around me,

I don't give a rat crap what
or where you shove your show.

Are we done
being neighbors for now?

Let me talk to you
for a minute.
No, no, no.

Not worth it. Definitely not
worth it. Verdell must be
in the apartment.

Okay.

Hope you find him.
Love that dog.

You don't love anything,
Mr. Udall.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

One, two, three, four, five.

One, two, three, four, five.

One, two, three,
four, five.

Okay.

Hot!
Hot, hot, hot!

Ooh! Ooh!

[ Crowd Chattering ]
[Man]
Oh, Carl, Carl.

Hi, Carl.
Frank.
So, where is he?

He's here, isn't he?
He lives here.
No, no. Take it easy.

He just had a little thing
with the dog.

First of all, it's not such
a hot-looking dog.
He's adorable.

[Man]
Where are you going, Frank?
Who buys more than me?

Good Lord! My honey,
where have you been?

Oh, look at my boy!
Look at him! Mmm.

- Yeah, I found him, Mr. Bishop.
- I know you did. We know you did.

[ Chuckling ]
Where was my little baby?
Where was my baby?

In the basement garbage bin,
eating diaper shit.

Go ahead, John.
You earned your fun.

[ Laughing ]
I'm sorry.
It just struck me as funny.

Oh, uh, wait

How did he get down
in the basement?

I mean, even if he
got in the elevator—

Maybe some nice neighbor
shoved him down
the garbage chute?

[Melvin]
"Somewhere in the dark,
[ Typing ]

"she had confessed,
and he had forgiven.

"This is what you live for,'
he said.

"Two heads on a pillow,
where all is approval,

"and there is only the safety
of being with each other.

"How, she wondered,
could she find such hope...

"in the most shameful
part of her?
[ Knock At Door ]

[Simon ] Mr. Udall?
"At last, she was able
to define love.

Love was—"
[Knocking Continues]

Mr. Udall, I'd like
to speak to you, please.

Let me do this
by myself.

"Love was—"
[Knocking Continues]
Are you in there?

Son of a bitch!

Pansy ass stool pusher!

Yes!

Maybe this
can wait.
Yeah.

I— I found, uh—
I found Verdell, Mr. Udall.

Well, that's a load off.

Uh-huh. Did you—
Did you d-do something to him?

Do you realize that
I work at home?

Uh, no.
I wasn't aware.

Do you like to be interrupted
when you're nancing around
in your little garden?

No, no, I-I—
No, no.

I actually will turn the ringer
off on my phone and sometimes
put a piece of cardboard in—

Well, I work all the time.

So never, never interrupt me.
Okay?

Not if there's a fire,

not even if you hear
the sound of a thud
from my home...

and one week later, there's
a smell coming from there
that can only be...

a decaying human body,
and you have to hold a hankie
to your face...

because the stench
is so thick that you think
you're gonna faint.

Even then, don't come knocking.

Or, if it's election night,

and you're excited and you want
to celebrate because some
fudge packer that you date...

has been elected
the first queer president
of the United States,

and he's going to have you
down to Camp David,

and you want someone
to share the moment with.

Even then, don't knock.

Not on this door.

Not for any reason.

Do you get me, sweetheart?

Yes.

It's not a... subtle point
that you're making.

Okay, then.

So, the theory of confrontation
says now he'll think twice
before messing with me.

All right.

"Love was—"

[ Mumbling ]
What was love?

"Love was—"

[ Knocking At Door ]

Now I'm pissed.
Now I am really pissed!

Hoo!
[ Grunts ]
Don't touch.

Don't touch!
Don't touch!
Shh. Shh. Shut up!

You think you can intimidate
the whole world with your attitude,
but you don't intimidate me.

I grew up in hell, homeboy.

My grandmother had
more attitude.
Police!

Doughnut-munching morons!
Help me!

Help me! Help me!
Shh. Shut up!

Assault and battery,
and you're black!

I like Simon!
I like him enough to batter
you unrecognizable...

if you verbally abuse him
or so much as
touch that dog again.

Meantime,

I'm gonna think of some way
that you can make it up to him.

I hate doin' this!
I'm an art dealer.

Have a nice day.
Okay. Party.

Party!

Excuse me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't touch. Don't touch.
Get a life.

[Man]
Hey, watch it!
Don't touch!

Look at you.
You're all better, huh?
Uh-huh.

It's that new medication.
So you know
all my son's stuff, right?

No, no, no, no.
I got a date tonight. I'm walkin'
out the door, he says to me,

"Mom, I promise not to get
one of my fevers or coughs
during your date."

Isn't that sweet?
Little blond angel.
Eats everything.

It just came out.
I said, "You love me the way
you love your remote control.

As long as I switch every time
you press one of my buttons."
That's great.

I know, yeah.
Terrific.

I think people
that talk in metaphors
ought to shampoo my crotch.

[ Melvin ] Eat up.
[ Waitress ] Stay there.
I've got your money.

No, you pay me next week.
No, I owe you. I told you
today. That's the rule.

'Scuse me, Melvin.
[ Mumbling ]

'Scuse me.

- There you go. You take care.
- Thank you.

Pardon me.

Pardon me.
Take the money.
Debts make me crazy.

This way you take a cab home
so you have time to
get ready for the date.

[ Chuckling ]
"Ready" is not my problem.

[ Laughing ]
I'm starving!

Go on. Sit down.
You know you're
not allowed back here.

Spence is more excited
by it than I am.

He says, "Mom, I promise
not to get a fever or cough
during your date."

Coming through.
Sometimes, this kid,
you just wanna—

[ Growls ]
I've got Jews at my table.

It's not you're table;
it's the place's table.
Behave.

This once, you can sit
at someone else's station.

[ Waitresses Gasping ]

Or you can wait your turn.

You have feelings
for—
Well, yes.

[ Conversation Continues ]
How much more
you got to eat?

Appetites aren't as big
as your noses, huh?

- What?
- That's it. Forget it.

[ Waitress ]
All right. Let me talk to him.
Let's go.

Barred for life.
Here I go!

- They left.
- Yeah, what do you know?

Bryan says he doesn't care
how long you've been coming.

You ever act like this again,
you're barred for life.

I'm gonna miss the excitement,
but I'll handle it.

Three eggs over easy,

two sausage,
six strips of bacon
with fries.

- Fries today?
- A short stack,

coffee with cream
and sweetener.

You're gonna die soon
with that diet,
you know that.

Ah, we're all gonna die soon.
I will, you will, and it
sure sounds like your son will.

If you ever mention my son again,
you will never be able to eat here again.

Do you understand?

Give me some sign
you understand,
or leave now.

Do you understand me,
you crazy fuck?

Do you?

[ Mumbling ]
Yeah, yeah. Yes.

Yes.

Okay, I'll get your order.

Why don't you wear
my earrings tonight.

[ Door Opens ]
It's just so interesting
what you said at dinner.

You said it
like it was nothin'.
I mean if you— Aah!

[ Laughing ]

[ Whispering ]
Where's the bedroom?
Uh, uh, the truth—

This is sort of it.
I sort of, um—

I sort of
s-sleep in here.

Don't worry about it.

[ Chuckling ]

What?

I-1 don't know.

[ Child Coughing ]

Grandma. Grandma.

Maybe you'd
better check.

What did you think
I was gonna do?

♪ Woman Humming ♪

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mom! Mama!
I was hearing everything
that you were doing,

so I put these on
to give you privacy.

So how was dinner?
Hey, pal.

How's your friend?
You okay?

Not bad.
You got a temperature?

Scootch over.

[Spencer]
Where did your friend
take you to eat?

Nice place.
[Spencer Coughing ]

Carol, I have him.
Carol.

One more spit.
I said I have him,
He's waiting.

Go!
[Spencer]
She has me.

Okay, pal.
Give me a hug.
Carol!

Give me a big hug.
Carol, I have him.

I'm okay, Mom.
She has me. Go.

Close the curtains.

No, no, no.
You can't smoke.
He can't take smoke.

Magic.

Oh.
[ Chuckles ]

Ah,
Oh, God.
Well, that'll teach you.

I don't even
notice it anymore.

All right
Come here.

It's all right. You don't
have to get that embarrassed.
It's a little bit of throw-up.

Little bit
of throw up.

Well, what should
we do?

Want me to write down which
trains you take to get home,
or you wanna lay down and-

No, no, no.
I'll— I'll take a cab.

Just a little too much reality
for a Friday night.

[Man]
I just can't. I promised Simon
1'd find him a model,

[Man #2 ] Carl, take me
off the speaker. Did I tell you
that these are house seats?

Come on.
You could use a break.

Hello? Carl?

You there?
[ Horn Honking ]

Hello?
Okay.
I just found a model.

[ Horn Honking ]
Hey, boys.

Hey, look. I know this guy.
He even bought me dinner.
Hey!

Carl, right?

Hey.
What's goin' on?

- Hey. Hi. Remember?
- I only need one.

You picked me up,
maybe a few weeks,
I don't know, some time ago.

- But this is for a portrait.
I need a pretty face.
- Portrait?

Come here.
I'll give you the address.
It's for tomorrow morning.

Brad Pitt is the shit.
Do you read?

[Doorbell Ringing ]
♪ [Classical ]

Who is it, baby?
[ Growling ]

Who is that, Verdell?
Who is that?

Uh, I-'m sorry.
I-I told you today.

I was out in the studio
doing my work, and I just—

It's out here.
You sure have
great things.

Gershwin.
He's great, isn't he?

I usually make such a big
deal about pickin' models,
but Carl is so thorough.

I bet he drove you nuts
checking your résumé, huh?

oo [ Humming ]

This is not a nude.

Just kiddin' around.

So much for love.

And yet another pose.

Exactly what is
your previous experience?
How 'bout that?

I'm runnin' out
of ideas here.

Well, then give me
some direction, okay?

Uh, nothing. I just watch
until something, uh, strikes me.

I mean, do, do anything
that you think of

Wait for me to say,
"Hold that pose,"

and then just try to...
comfortably hold it.

No direction.

Okay.

What I do is I watch.

You ever watch somebody
who doesn't know
that you're watching them?

An old woman...
sitting on a bus,

or kids going to school
or somebody just waiting?

And you see this flash
come over them,

and you know immediately
that it has nothing to do
with anything external,

because that hasn't changed.

And when you see it,
they're just sort of "realer"
and they're more alive.

I mean, you look at
someone long enough,
you discover their humanity.

Wow.

No, no. I know exactly
what you mean.

Oh, my God. Hold it.

[ Man ]
Hey, look out.
[ Woman ] Excuse me.

whoa!
Sorry.

[Woman]
So I went in, and I got on
the third line of dialogue,

and all of a sudden,
I blanked.

I had no clue as to what
the next line was.
Clippity-clop, clippity-clop.

Ignores me.
So he said to me,
"Last chance."

Last chance.
Oh, God.

- So I came back in.
- Here she comes
to ignore me again.

I messed up
in the exact same line.
Mmm.

I know, but guess what?
[ Gargling ]

What?
He cast me!

Just what the world needs.
Another actress.

[ Laughing ]
Okay, okay, okay.

Can't live without me, huh?

I'm finally gonna ask.
All right, what's with
the plastic picnic wear?

Why don't you try ours?
Are you afraid it isn't clean?

You okay?
Yep.

Well, I see the help.
It's a judgment call.

So give yourself
a little pep talk:

"Must try other people's
clean silverware...

as part of the fun
of dining out."

What's wrong with your son?

[ Chuckles ]
What do you care?

He's got to fight to breathe.
His asthma can just
shoot off the charts.

He's allergic to dust,
and this is New York,

so his immune system bails
on him whenever there's trouble,
sO an ear infectio—

Is this bothering you?

No.

An ear infection, whatever,
sends us to the emergency room
five, six times a month,

where I get whatever nine-year-old
they just made a doctor.

Nice chatting with you.

Wh-— His name?

- Spencer.
- Okay.

Spence.

Puppy. It's okay.
Go on. Go on.
♪ Woman Singing On Radio ]

[ Singing Along ]
♪ Hand on my heart ♪

♪ [Radio Continues ]

You can put on
anything you want now.
I might be sort of done here.

I been comin' here
for two weeks, and all we've
done is work. Let's play!

♪ [Loud Rock ]

Vincent!

[ Turns Volume Down Slightly ]

♪ It's very far away

♪ It takes about
a half a day to get there, ♪

os" [ Continues Indistinctly ]
So, you're practically
finished, huh?

Uh, yeah. There is
one more stage.

Oh!

- Where ya goin'?
- No place. I was just
gonna sneak a peek.

- [ Barking ]
- Verdell!

- Verdell, you want
some chocolate?
- No. He's not allowed.

Wait, um, um, I gotta
take off. Do you wanna
say good-bye or anything?

Yeah! He's just
gotta go. One second.
No, wait. Um, um—

[ Verdell Barking ]
I'm gonna look at the painting,
all right?

[Simon]
Where you goin,
sweetheart? Verdell?

Want some water?
What is the matter
with you?

Come on.
You want some water?

Simon, wait!

Yo.

Why are you doing this?

Uh, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.

See, man,
that painting in there—

[Man]
What are you doing,
cruisin' him?

[ All Screaming ]

[ Screaming ]
Excuse me.

[ Simon ] Help me!
[Man]
No, we gotta go.

[ Shouting ]
Come on,
come on, come on.

[ Barking ]

Okay, so you call 9-1-1
and don't leave your name?
Th-That's right. Yes.

Even a dumb geezer should
know that emergency—
Just move on. No one killed.

- Oh, is he dead?
- Ask him.

- What's wrong with you?
- Don't bark at me. I didn't name ya.

We will. And if we can't,

we'll come back
and ask you
again and again.

Hey. What, are you tryin'
to intimidate me
with that attitude?

I come from hell.
My grandmother's got
more attitude than you.

Go shake down a 7-Eleven
for a day-old wiener.
They want you inside, sir.

[Man ] Just a matter of time, sir.
There's a painting
of one of the guys in here.

[Man #2]
Get some tape on it.

Oh, I've been praying
for him since I heard.

[Frank]
So, anyway, I'm on my way
to the hospital.

If you could
just watch the dog.
Just for tonight.

Oh, no, no, no.
No?

No, no, no. I'm sorry.
[Sighs]
Okay. Thanks.

Old bitch!
Damn dog!

[ Chuckling ]

You're takin' him.
Yes! Yes, you are!

Get the hell
out of the way!
You're takin' him.

This will
even the books.
One night

No, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

You want to
say "no" to me?

You want to
say "no" to me? Huh?

You want to
say "no" to me?

I don't wanna say
nothin' to you.

Because I've never felt this crazy
as I do right now.

I almost— I almost
want you to say "no".

[ Breathing Heavily ]

[ Elevator Bell Rings ]

- Thanks for lookin' after him.
- Hey. Where ya goin'?

You can't do this!
You don't want to
mess with me today!

I can't take a dog!
Nobody's ever been
in here before!

[ Panting ]
Hey, Frank!

Uh, Frank?

Hey, Frank! Frank!

[ Elevator Bell Rings ]

Uh, uh, three, four, five.

[ Counting Continues ]

You're dead.

Well, we don't have no
dog food here; we don't want
no dog food here.

You'll eat what we got!
What we eat!

All right.

Don't you do anything!

Where's the trust?

[ Barks ]

Never a break.
Never.

Dogs!

♪ [Piano]

♪ Always look at
the bright side
of your life ♪

♪ Always look at
the lighter side
of your life JJ,

God!

Well, we're not going to
sell anything if they find out
we're halfway through a show...

and we haven't sold
a single painting!

No, we can't reduce
the price at this stage!
Sir, please.

[Woman]
Shh! Shh!
I'm in a free fall here.

Yes?
We can see him.

Okay.
I'll meet you in there.

I will meet...
you in there, okay?

One minute.

Thank you.
No, I'm here.

How ya doin',
great one?

I haven't looked
at myself yet.

I figured I could tell
from your reaction.

- [ Sobbing ]
- That bad, huh?

Okay. I talked
to the doctor, and—

Oh, sh—
[ Groans ]

Okay, it's, it's not that bad.

I talked to the doctors,
and they say you're gonna be
your old self in a couple weeks.

I mean, the scars here might
take a little— Oh, shit!

- [ Sobbing ]
- Aw, sh—

- Oh, Simon.
- Uh, Jackie?

- [Sobbing] Yes?
- Can you hand me
a mirror, please?

N-No.

[ Sobbing ]
Wait. I have
a smaller one.

Okay.

- So, how are things, anyway?
- [ Chuckling, Sobbing ]

- How is Verdell?
- Your neighbor, Mr. Udall,

taking care of him.

How c—
How could you do that?

He'll hurt him.
No, Simon.
I promise.

Not a chance!

I own this guy! Besides, there
was nobody else. You know,
I'm always on the move, and—

Trust me.

You are very certain my dog is okay,
because you have no idea—

Yes, your dog
is fine, Simon.

Okay.

Waiting gives
the devil time.

Oh, my.

Where'd I go?

[Girl]
Look how friendly he is.
[ Carol ] That's your dog?

[ Child I He's so calm!
What are you doing
with a dog?

[ Sighs ]

Suckered in, set up,
pushed around.

You're not worried
someone might take it?

No, not until now,
for Christ sake.

Sorry.
I'm gonna
sit here.

Hey, puppy!
He's cute!

I love his little face.
It's so cute.

I wonder what breed he is?

You know,
he's a little dog.

Next time,
if Bryan's not here,
you can bring him in.

How old are you?

[ Chuckles ]
If I was gonna guess
by your eyes,

I'd say you were 50.

If I went by your eyes,
I'd say you were kind.

So, so much for eyes,
but as long as you bring up age,
how old are you?

Oh, no, no. I mean,
not— in other words—
Well, you brought it up.

Not that you're ugly;
that's not what I'm saying.
[ Chuckles ]

Easy, easy, pal.
I can take the compliment.

But my knees start knockin'
when you turn on the charm
full blast.

No, but I mean, what's, uh—
what's with the dark?

Dawn patrol.
Uh-huh.

Major dawn patrol.
My son had a full-blown attack.

And this time, for extra fun,
they gave us the wrong antibiotics.

So I get him home—
No, no, no,
no, no, no.

The dog.
It's bacon for the—
Bacon's for the—

for the dog.

Last week, I was
playin' the piano for him,
and he— he likes it.

So I decide I'm gonna...

uh, make a little joke.
So, you're all
set here?

I think it's
a beautiful day
for our walk today.

Very nice.

Wh—- Huh?

Hey! Hey!
[ Chuckling ]

Look at that!
Look at him!

I gotta give you somethin'.
I gotta give you
somethin' real good too.

I'm gonna show it to ya.
Come on, buddy.

Don't be like me.
Don't you be like me.

You stay just the way you are,
'cause you are a perfect man,

and I'm gonna take you home
and get you somethin' to eat.

What you love,
you hear me?
Ohhh!

I'd like to be
treated like that.
I'm gonna take you home right now...

and get you some— Yes!

Let's go home
and do some writing.

[Melvin]
"He had made the girl happy.
[Typing ]

"And what a girl!

"You saved my life,'
she said.

You'd better make it
up to me."

Done!

Done!
Yes, I hate the doggie.
Yes, I hate the doggie!

Whoa, 62 books!

Done!

[Woman]
We have to cut back expenses
every place we can.

[Woman #2]
He has no medical insurance?

No.
Let me see. These
are the food recepts.

Yeah.
Here are
the household expenses.

Here's one for the dog again.

I can read it.
I got it.
I can't see it.

And all the laundry
and the cleaners.
Okay, good.

[Melvin]
Boy, look at that, huh?

He likes it
[ Doorbell Ringing ]

Oh, he likes it at Chez Melvin.
Mm-hmm.

What are you
comin' over here for?
I told you to sit here.

[ Doorbell Ringing ]
I can't cook
with a dog near me.

Okay, Just sit. Good.
We don't want any company.

I'll read you
a little Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Okay. Have it your way.

[Door Lock Turns ]

- Hey.
- Hey.

How's Verdell doin'?

Ah, you know,
he's a pain in the ass.

Well- Simon's home.

I was sort of hoping
you can keep the dog...

until he's had a chance
to think and adjust.

Oh, well,
it's been weeks and weeks.
A few more won't matter.

No, no.
He definitely wants him
back right away.

He'll be by tomorrow.

Okay.

Okay by me.

Hungry, huh?
Be right with you, pooch.

One, two, three...

four, five.

One, two, three, four.

I'm okay.

[ Exhales ]

[ Cries, Sniffles ]

[ Whispering ]
Okay.

[Lock Turning ]
[ Whispering ]
Three.

Mr. Udall?

Some face they left
hangin' on ya.
You look like—

Would you take it...

just...

a little easy,
Mr. Udall?

Thank you.

Verdell?

Come here,
my beautiful boy!

Come here!
Come here, boy!

Let's go home
and get well,

Ah, you can't blame him
for being weird.

Have a look at yourself
in the mirror.

Thank you.

Come on, sweetheart!

Verdell? Come here.
Come here, boy.

I know what you want.

[ Kissing ]
Come on!

Where's my boy?

No. D-D-Don't force him.

♪ [Piano]

[ Chuckling ]

Over a dog!
♪ [Ends]

[ Chuckling ]
Over an ugly dog!

Worst sidewalk
in New York.

Look where
they put it.

Hi.
Help!

If you want to see me,
you will not do this.
You will make an appointment.

Dr. Green, how can you
diagnose someone as an
obsessive-compulsive disorder...

and then act as though
I had some choice
about barging in.

There's not going to be
a debate. You must leave.

You said you could help me!
What was that? A tease?

I can help you
if you take responsibility
to keep regular appoint—

You changed the room around.
Two years ago.

I also regrew my beard,
but you're not interested
in changes in me.

So it's like I always—
Shh. I don't have this
mountain of available time.

I have to get to
my restaurant on time.

Now, do you know
how hard it was
for me to come here?

Yes.
[ Whispering ]
Thank you.

No, we're not
doing this now.

I changed just one pattern,
as you always said I should.

No. Nope.

[ Chattering,
Falling Silent ]

What if this is
as good as it gets?

Oh!

[ Door Opens,
Slams Shut I

What the heck
are those for?

No, no, no.
Get Carol.

Oh, I'm fillin' in.
We don't know
if she's comin' back.

You know, I think
she might be getting a job
closer to home.

- Why plastic?
- Wh-What are you
tryin' to do to me?

What the heck
do you mean?

Look, elephant girl,
just— just g-go get
Carol or something.

Just have her do
my one meal here. I-

You know, I'll pay
whatever you want.
I'll wait.

- [ Shouting ]
Do it!
- [ Gasps ]

Bryan. Bryan.
Code blue. Bryan.
[Melvin ] Oh, no.

Out! Just shut up
and get out!

[Bryan ]
Do it!

I'll be quiet.

Just let me stay here.
I'll No problem.
Go get Carol.

Get her here.

I'm not a... prick.
You are. I'm not judging.

I'm a great customer.

This day...

has been a disaster.

- I'm not sure if I can...
handle this too.
- Get out!

Get out immediately,
or there's gonna be trouble.

Man, I mean it.

Okay.

[ Cheering ]

See ya! Bye!

It's about time!

Carol's last name?
Connelly.

Thank you.
[ Cheering Continues ]

[Boy]
Hey, Dad!
Dad! I'm over here!

[ Children Chattering ]

Does he visit often?
No, not really.
Not anymore.

What can you do?

[Man Chattering ]

[Child]
Can I get some ice cream, Grandpa?

[Man]
Why not? You're a good girl.

Hello.

[Melvin]
Aye-yi-yi,

Oh!
[ Grunts ]
Christ!

[ Groans ]

[ Buzzer Sounding ]

♪ [Radio]
[Knock At Door]

I'm hungry.

You've ruined my whole day.
I haven't eaten.

- What are you doing here?
- This is not a sexist thing.

If you were a waiter, I'd—
Are you totally gone?
This is my private home!

I'm trying to keep
emotion out of this,

even though it's
an important issue to me.

And I have
very strong feelings
on the subject.

What subject? That I
wasn't there to take crap
from you and bring you eggs?

Do you have any control
over how creepy
you allow yourself to get?

Yes, I do,
as a matter of fact.

And to prove it,
I have not gotten personal,
and you have.

Why aren't you
at work?

You sick?

You don't look sick.

Just tired and bitter.

My son is sick, okay?

What about
your mother?

How do you know
about my mother?

I hear you talking
while I wait.

[Spencer]
Mom, I finished my juice.
I'm sorry, honey. One sec.

Mom?

How ya doin'?

You should answer someone
when they speak to you.

I'm sorry, Melvin. That's it.
I cannot handle you
teaching my son manners!

ow!

Back to life.

Uh-oh.
What's wrong?

[ Together ]
Five one-thousand,
four one-thousand,

three one-thousand,
two one-thousand, bingo.

104.9.
We're gonna treat ourselves
to a cabride.

Look out, you guys.
Coming through.

Look out.

Look out, you guys.
What's wrong?

We're okay.
We're okay.

Melvin!

Wait!

[ Chanting ]
Melvin, wait!
Melvin, wait!

Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait!
Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait!

Shut up, kids!

Giveus a lift,
would you, Melvin?

A lift. Okay.

Cover your mouth
when you cough, kid.

Brooklyn Presbyterian
Hospital, please.
And quickly, please!

Hospital?
Yes.

Any chance you'll be
back at work today?
No!

Stay away
from me! God!

Simon, we can't
put this off any longer.

I feel terrible
that I have to—
[ Makes Kissing Noise ]

Simon.
Huh?

Simon, could you just
leave the dog for a second?

Sorry.

What are those cards?

Oh, Frank's idea.
He thought I should have notes
so I did this right.

Maintained focus,
didn't get emotional
and tried not to terrify you.

See, he's right.
I need the cards.

"Simon, you're broke.

The medical bills
are 61,000 now,
and the show didn't go well."

I've spoken to your parents.
They didn't hang up
or anything.

But... they said
they would feel strange
about calling you.

Oh. Well,
I can't call them.

Come here, baby.

Come here, baby.

Verdell' What's wrong?

You miss the tough guy?

[ Imitating Melvin ]
Well, here I am, sweetheart.

Happy to see me,
you little pissant mop?

How bout another ride
down the chute?

Oh, God. I'm sorry.
I did not mean that.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Simon?
I didn't mean that,
sweetheart.

Simon!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'll be able to keep
my apartment and the studio,
won't I?

Uh—

Wow.
Oh, my God. Wow.

Yes, you write more
than everybody else.
Yes, you make us a lot of money.

But I think
it's more appropriate for you—
Look. Look.

I need this.
Just say, "Melvin, I'll try."

Okay? Hmm?

[ Mouthing Words ]
Melvin, I'll try.

Thank you.
That's good.

Now, on a pleasanter note,
my son, he just
got accepted to Brown.

My husband was dying.

Uh, yeah. Good.
Nice. Uh, thrilled.
Exciting, uh—

You don't have to
wait with me.

I can't resist.
You usually move through here
so quickly,

and I just have
50 many questions
I wanna ask you.

You have no idea
what your work means to me.

What does it mean to you?

That somebody out there
knows what it's like...

to be in here.

Oh, God.
This is like a nightmare.

Oh, come on.
Just a couple of questions.
How hard is that?

How do you
write women so well?

I think of a man,
and I take away
reason and accountability.

[ Elevator Bell Rings ]

[ Children Chattering ]

M.D.

[ Woman ]
What's wrong?

Mom!
In here,
Mrs. Connelly.

- What? What?
- Hi.

- Please, what? Just tell me.
- I'm Martin—

- What? Please, just tell me.
- I'm Martin Bettes. Dr. Bettes.

Not your name! What are you
telling me your name for?
Where is he?

- He's in the bathroom.
- Hey.

[Spencer]
What's wrong?
[ Carol ] Nothing.

Do you know there are
doctors come to your house?
No, I didn't.

So, what are you
doing here?
Well—

I didn't know that you
had a secret admirer.

What?
Oh, you met the gift.

He's good.
I'm an expert
on doctors,

Okay, Doctor.

My wife is
Melvin Udall's publisher.

She said I was to take
excellent care...

of this little guy because
you are urgently needed
back at work.

That's what she told me.
What-What kind of work
do you do?

- I'm a waitress.
- In Manhattan.

[Woman]
Dr. Bettes?

Uh, yeah, Terry—
Excuse me.

Hi, I'm sorry
it took so long.
I don't know Brooklyn.

I couldn't find it either.
Could you get this to the lab?

Tell 'em I need C.B.C,,
differential, platelets,
the whole thing.
Okay.

And I want it
back today.
Ha! I'm sorry.

Did you say you're gonna get
the results back today?

Sure. Let's sit down.

[Carol]
These are the receipts, uh,

from all the prescriptions
from the beginning of the year.

Don't forget the calendar.
Yeah, yeah.
And this is a calendar...

of days and how he felt
and what he's been eating.

That's very good.
How long has he had
the problem?

Since forever.
Six months old.
Okay.

And have they done
blood tests on him?
Yeah.

Only in the emergency room,
or when he was well?
Emergency room only.

Okay, and how about
skin testing
for allergies?

No.
No standard scratch test?
They poke 'em with a needle.

No, I asked. They said my plan
didn't cover it and that it
wasn't necessary anyways.

- Why, should they have?
- Well—

Fucking H.M.O.
bastard pieces of shit!
Carol.

- I'm sorry.
- It's okay. Actually, I think
that's their technical name.

[ Laughs ]

So, once the tests come back,
is there someone...

in your office
we should talk to
to get the results, or, uh—

Um, me.
My home number's
on the card.

That's his home number.

[ Laughing Hysterically ]

[ Mouthing Words ]

- What?
- It's your home—

Ha.

Uh, can we get you
anything else?

- Do you want some water
or some coffee?
- No, thank you.

A couple
of female slaves?
[ Laughs ]

Mrs. Connelly, there's still
a lot of tests I need to do,

a lot of things I have
to find out here,

But look, whatever I find out,

I promise you at the very least
from now on...

your son is gonna feel
a great deal better, okay?

Doc.

[ Both Laugh ]

No— Um, fine.
Okay. Okay, that's good.

That's good.
[ Mumbling ]

So, listen,
you gotta let me know
about the additional costs.

- One way or another we'll—
- Well, the costs are gonna be
considerable, I'm afraid,

But don't worry.
Mr. Udall wants to be billed.

That's wonderful.

[ Woman Crying ]

[ Simon ]
Anyway, dear, thank you
for everything, Nora.

Forgive my recent crankiness.
I'll call when things get back
on track, okay?

[ Grunting, Sniffling ]

Ah.

jHijole!
Huh? What's wrong?

Who's gonna walk Verdell?

Oh, no!

No!

[ Sniffling ]

[ Low Groan ]

Is he dead
yet?
No.

Uh, would there be
any way...

that you would be willing
to walk his dog for him?

Absolutely.

You're a wonderful man.

2:00 would be a good time,
and here is the key...

in case he is asleep.

Open his curtains
for him...

so he can see
God's beautiful work.

And he'll know that...

even things like this
happen for the best.

Where did they teach you
to talk like this?

In some Panama City sailor
"wanna hump-hump" bar?

Or is this getaway day
and your last shot
at his whiskey?

Sell crazy someplace else.
We're all stocked up here.

No, no! There is
a seriously goofy man
behind this!

You're not allowed
to block out that fact!
Do you really want...

to go back to emergency where
those runt doctors keep telling
us that they can't help?

This lets a crazy man
into our lives.
Let's not fight

You know how this
will turn out.
Come on!

You know how
this will turn out.

This is not like stockings.
It's not like a string of pearls.

You don't send
this one back.

Right?

[Simon]
No, I do. I understand.

All right, listen.
I gotta go, okay?

No, okay.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

[Melvin]
What a day.
Come here, come here.

Hey, maybe
I'll bring him
some food by.

Thank you
for walking him.
[ Barking ]

[ Sniffling ]
If you'll excuse me,
I'm not feeling so well.

Yeah, this place
smells like shit.

Go away.

What, this, uh—
this cleaning lady
doesn't—

Please, just leave!

What happened
to your queer party friends?

Get outta here!

Nothing worse
than having to feel this way
in front of you.

Nellie, you're a disgrace
to depression.

Rot in hell, Melvin.

No need to stop bein'
a lady. Quit worryin'.

You'll be back
on your knees
in no time.

[ Grunts ]

- Whee-Whee-Whee.
- [ Barks ]

Is this fun for you, hmm?

Well, you lucky devil,
it just keeps gettin' better
and better, doesn't it?

I'm losing my apartment,
Melvin, and Frank,
he wants me...

to beg my parents—
who haven't called me—
for help, and I won't.

And I- I don't want
to paint anymore.

So, the life that
I was trying for
is over.

The life that I had is gone,
and I'm feeling so damn sorry...

for myself
that it's difficult
to breathe.

It's high times for you,
isn't it, Melvin?

The gay neighbor
is terrified. Terrified!

[ Mumbles ]

I was just trying
to give you a boost.

Lucky you,
you're here
for rock bottom.

You absolute horror
of a human being.

[ Sighs Slowly ]

The one thing I'll do for you.
l, uh, might cheer you up.

Get out.

You wanna know why
that dog prefers me?

It's not affection.
It's a trick.

I keep bacon
in my pocket.

[ Barking ]

[ Laughing ]
Oh, my gosh.
Huh?

we'll both call him.
You'll see. It's a... trick.

Okay?

Come here, Verdell.

Come here.
Oop. Oop.

- Yo, yo.
- Come on.

[Laughs]
Come here.

Come here, baby.
No.

It's okay.
Come here.
[ Grunts ]

[ Groans ]

[ Spits ]
Just a stupid, stupid dog.

[Barks]

Could you leave now?

Please.

I don't get it.
I don't get it.

[ Ticking ]

[ Thunderclap ]

[Man]
Taxi!
[ Traffic Whistle ]

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Whispering ]
Oh, sorry.

[ TV Announcer ]
Again with Nick at Nite's
Classic TV Rewind.

[Buzzing ]
On repeat viewing,

one begins to suspect that might
not really be Major Healey
in the phone booth after all.

- [ Coughing ]
- Mr. Udall?

[ TV Announcer ]
A second look at shows that
are always worth a second look.

- Carol, the waitress?
- Yes.

[TV Continues,
Indistinct I

[ Gasps ]

Hi.

The doctors gave me
your billing address.
I'm sorry about the hour.

[ TV Announcer Continues ]
Um—
[ Chuckles ]

If you're, uh—
[ Laughs ]

[ TV Switches Off ]
Um, if you're, uh, worried
about thanking me, uh—

That's not why I'm here.

Though you have no idea
what it's like to have
a real conversation...

with a doctor
about Spencer.

Uh, note—
Put it in a note.

[ Exhaling ]

Uh—

Oh. So, I have—

I have a hair dryer,
uh—

Why did you do this
for me?

So you'd come back to work
and wait on me.

Do have some idea
how strange that sounds?

Well, I mean—
I'm worried you did this be—

Are you waiting for me
to say something?

Look, uh,

I'll be at the restaurant
tomorrow.

I don't think this can wait
until tomorrow. I need
to clear this up now.

Clear what up?

I'm not going to sleep
with you.

I will never sleep with you.
Never, ever.

Not ever.

well,

[ Clicks Tongue ]
I'm sorry, but, um...

we don't open
for the no-sex oaths
until 9:00 a.m.

I'm not kidding.

Anything else?

Uh, just...

thank you.

So, you'll be
at work tomorrow?

Yes.

[ Groaning,
Shuffling ]

[ Grunts ]

"Never," she said.
"Never," she says.

[ Groans ]

[Knocking ]

[ Chains Clanking ]

I took a chan—
took a chance
you were up.

Uh, I brought you
some Chinese soup.

Uh, thanks.

[ Grunts,
Inhales Sharply]

Boy.

I've never been
this tired in my life.

I haven't been sleepin'.

I haven't been clear
in my head...

or felt like myself.

I'm in trouble.

It's not just the tiredness.

Boy.
It's sick.
Nauseous.

Sleepy.

Where everything
looks distorted,

and everything inside
Just kind of aches...

and you can barely find
the will to complain.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh.

I'm glad we did this.

Good talking
to you.

[ Door Closing ]

You are not still writing
that thank-you note?

I'm on the last page.
How do you spell "conscience"?

[ Sighs ]
C-O-N-S-C-I-E-N-C-E.

Look, I got Sean
from the bakery to baby-sit
so we could go out.

I still don't feel safe
leaving Spencer
with someone.

- Could you spell it again, please?
- Spencer's okay.

You better start finding
something else to do
with your free time.

- Sean, are you hungry?
- [Sean]
Yeah.

[Beverly]
All right. We got pizza!

Carol and I are going out.

Sausage, pepperoni,
You wanna make this later
for you and Spencer?

[Sean] Great.
[ Sighs ]
We are goin' out like people do.

If you can't feel good
about this break...

and step out a little,
then I—

I think you ought to have
Mr. Udall send you over
a psychiatrist.

I don't need one,
'cause I know what's
really going on here!

I gotta finish this letter,
or I'll go nuts.

- Carol—
- This can't be right.
"Con-science"?

Carol?

What?

[ Gasping ]

It's very weird now,
not feeling that...

stupid panic thing
inside me all the time.

Without that,
I just start thinking
about myself, and...

what good does that
ever get anybody?

[ Sniffling ]

Today, on the bus,
there was this
adorable couple,

and I felt myself...

giving 'em a dirty look.

I just had no idea
everything was—

[ Crying,
Breathless ]

[ Gasping ]

Go ahead.

moving in
the wrong direction...

away from a time
when I remembered
what it was like...

to have a man
to anything.

Hold, fucking—

Sorry—
No, it's okay.

hands with,
for Christ sake!

And...

I felt almost...

r-really bad
that Dr. Bettes is married.

[ Laughing ]

Which is probably why
I make poor Spencer hug me
more than he wants to.

[ Sniffles ]

The poor kid doesn't have
enough problems.

He has to make up
for his mom not getting any.

[ Exhales ]

Who needs these thoughts?

- So, what are you saying?
That you're frustrated?
- Leave me be!

[Knocks Table ]
Why are you doing this?
What is it you want?

I hope getting me thinking
about everything that's wrong,

when all I want to dois
not do that, has some purpose.

Really, Mom,
what is it you want?

What?

I want us to go out.

Okay.

[Woman]
Like spiral curls and barrel
curls and everything like that.

[Man]
I gotta go, Jimbo.
I'll see ya. Take care, babe.

[ Man #2 ]
Because I love you.
[ Woman ] Oh.

[ Man #2 ] You know,
it's got those big windows,
and there's lots of light.

[ Man #3 ]
Yeah, I don't know
where my wife is.

[ Chattering Continues,
Indistinct ]

Thank you.
Now, I gotta send you
a thank-you note.

[ Laughing ]

Oh, look, Evelyn's here,
and her giant Joey.

[ Woman ]
Beverly!

That's why you brought me here.
That's really why
you brought me here.

Well, you know,
it's not even mine.

And this guy Simon seems
to have enough on his mind.

But the dog did throw up
twice last night
and his spark is off.

Well, take him
to the vet.
I did.

They say his stomach's
out of whack and they need him
for a couple of days.

Well, do it.
What d—

[Frank]
Sorry.
Excuse me.

Okay.
Now, this is
for later.

- What's this?
- Um, it's a note.

- A note?
- Yeah, it's a thank-you note.

Thank-you note?
No, no, no.

- You can read it later.
- No. No, thank you.

No. No, thank you.
No, no, no, no.

No.

Thank you.
Thank you.

She's nice.

Yeah.
Real nice, huh?

Really nice.

Shouldn't that be
a good thing, telling somebody,
"No thanks required"?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Sure looks like
it went over too.
[ Laughs ]

I mean—
look at you!

You're sure making the rounds.
Simon says you brought him soup
last night.

[ Continues Laughing ]

- What?
- Look at you.
You think I'm a mark.

You helped with the dog.
Now, there's other things.

Hey, I'm as concerned
about Simon as you are.

Concerned?
It's not just
financial assistance.

He's gotta get to Baltimore
to ask his parents for money
tomorrow.

Yeah, well, yeah.

I mean, if his parents are alive,
they have to help.
It's the rules.

Good. That's great.
Let them help him.
Absolutely.

Only, uh,

I got a high-maintenance
selling painter coming through,
so I'm out.

Can you drive him?

Think white
and get serious.

Take my car, a convertible?

- [ Laughing ]
- Do you drive?

Like the wind.
But I'm not doin' it!

Gettin' loud,
gettin' loud.

He wants me to take his car
and his client to Baltimore.

I want your life for one minute,
where my big problem is somebody
offers me a free convertible...

so I can get out of this city.

- [Stomps Foot ]
- Go ahead, girl.

[ Sighs ]
Okay, I'll do it.
Ill take him.

Yeah, get him ready, packed.
Tomorrow morning, I'll take him.
Okay. I'll take him. Fine.

Okay.
Okay.

[ Exhales ] All right,
I'll see you tomorrow.
Let's not drag this out.

We don't enjoy
one another that much.

If there is
some mental health foundation
that raises money...

for people like you,
please be sure to let me know.

Last-word freak.

Bye-bye.
Good luck, lady.

[ Woman ]
Is he talking to me?
So, anything else?

Yeah.

I'm gonna give my queer neighbor
a lift to Baltimore.

Okay.

Hey.

What I did for you—
It's working out?

What you did changed my life.

No, uh—

Uh, no thank-you note.

Well, part of what I said
in this entire history of my life,

which you won't read,
is that somehow...

you have done more
for my mother, my son and me
than anybody else ever has.

I'm just gonna read you
this part of it.

"And that makes you the most
important, surprising,

"generous person I ever met
in my life,

"and that you're gonna be
in our prayers,

our daily prayers, forever."

[ Low Sigh ]
Lovely.

I also wrote one part—
I'm just gonna say—

I wrote, "I'm sorry."
I w—

I was talking about I was sorry
when I got mad at you for-for—

when you came over,
and you told my son
that he oughta answer back.

So, I wrote that I was sorry
about that and that I—

I wrote I was sorry
for bustin' you on that
and I'm sorry...

for bustin' in on you
that night when I said
I was never—

I was sorry.
And I'm sorry for every time
your food was cold,

and that you had to wait
two seconds for a coffee filler.

And I'm sorry for never spotting
right there at the table
in the restaurant,

the human being
that had it in him
to do this thing for us.

I'll just— You know what,
I'm just gonna start
from the beginning.

[ Whispers ]
Gee—
"I have not been able...

"to express my gratefulness to you.

Even as I look at the word
'grateful' now, it doesn't begin
to tell you what I feel."

Uh, that's—

I see it. Thank you.

Thank you.

[ Coughing ]

Now, I want you to do
something for me.

I'm sorry,
didn't I say, "What?"

I thought I said, "What?"

What?

I want you to go
on this trip.

[ Laughs ]
No, sir.

I can't do this
without you.

I'm afraid he might pull
the stiff one-eye on me.

I need you to chaperone.
Separate everything but cars.

You said you liked convertibles.
Now, I'm on the hook.

- I'm sorry,
"the stiff one-eye"?
- Two days.

I can't. I work.
You get off
when you want to.

My son.
Bettes said
he's doing fine.

- Melvin, I'd rather not.
- What has that got to do with it?

- Funny, I thought it was a strong point.
- Write a note. Ain't she sweet.

I need a hand,
and where'd she go?

Are you saying
accepting your help
obligates me?

Is there any other way
to see it?

No.

Here's a little suitcase...

shocked that it's being used.

[Banging]

[ Sighs ]

There's no way
to pack for this trip.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

[ Telephone Ringing ]

Wo00-wo00.

[Ringing Continues]

[ Clears Throat ]

Hello?

You're still comin',
aren't you?
Yes.

Melvin, I would like to know
exactly where we are going.

Um, just south
of Baltimore, Maryland,

and, uh,
I know what you're
gonna say next.

I mean,
I think I know.

I'm not— I'm not sure,
but I think so.

There's no need for me
to bring anything dressy?

I mean, I didn't know
if we were gonna be eating...

in any restaurants
that have dress codes?

Well, I, uh—

I mean, maybe, uh—

I mean, yes!
Yes, let's.

Let's.
Okay, got ya.

[ Exhales ]

What did you think
I was gonna ask?

Whether crabs were
in season there now.

Oh, okay, then.

Good night.

[ Barking, Distant ]
[ Woman ] Anything unusual
in the dog's diet?

No. Uh,
everybody gets
their own cage?

- Certainly.
- Okay, put him in with
that one, not that one.

Builds his
confidence, huh?
[Laughs I Okay.

Lip kiss.

Ah!

I love you.
I'll miss you.

Hey! Real sensitive.

Bye.

Call me when
you get settled.

[ Spencer ]
Don't worry, Mom!
Have a good time!

No, don't— don't run.
Have fun!
Don't worry!

Don't run. No, no.
Have fun, but don't run.

Grandma will take care
of me! Bye!

[ Laughs ]

[ Frank I Sorry I'm not
taking you myself, Simon.
[Simon ] So am I, Frank!

Give me a hug.

Everything's gonna be
okay, all right?
Yeah.

Soak it up.
It's your last chance
for a hug for a few days.

Hello?

Hi.

Hi. Thank you
for being on time.

Hi.
Oh, uh, oh—

Uh, Carol the waitress,
Simon the fag.

Hello. Holy God,
who did that to you?

Um, I was— I was attacked.

I walked in on some men
robbing me and—

I-1 was hospitalized.
I almost died.

Let's do the small talk
in the car. Uh, let's go.

Come on. How are you, sir?
Oh, I was gonna do that
for you.

[Carol]
It's all right.
Where should we sit?

I, uh— Well, there's
no place cards or anything.
That's all right.

You need all the room
you can manage.
So, I'll sit in the back.

[ Sighs ]

[ Chuckles ]

Never a break.
Never.

I'm sorry.
Thank you for the seat.
That was very thoughtful.

- Oh.
- [Pats Simon's Arm ]

You look like you're crowded
in there.
Oh, it's all right.

[ Engine Rewving,
Electronic Beeping ]

Thanks.

[ Beeping Continues,
Electronic Whirring Noise ]

[ Noises Stop ]

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I've got
the whole trip
programmed.

♪ [Radio Blasts Out ]
♪ Y-M-C—

JW [ Switches Off ]
[ Laughs ]
I'm just kiddin'.

I wanted to see
what you'd do.
No, seriously.

We got good stuff here.

[ CD Player Clicking ]

♪ [ Smooth, Jazzy Beat ]

[Woman]
♪ Mm, mm, mm ♪

[Man]
♪ When it's not always rainin' ♪

♪ They'll be days like this
♪ Yeah

♪ When theres no one
complainin'
I like this music.

♪ They'll be days like this

♪ Everything falls into place
I like this music.

♪ Like the flick of a switch ♪

♪ Well. my mama told me

♪ There'd be days like this J, ♪

♪ Well, I'm looking
for my girl

♪ I wonder where
where can she be)

♪ [Continues ]
[ Carol ] Yes, I'm sure, Simon,
they did something really off...

for you to feel this way,
but when it comes to
your parents or your kid,

something will
always be off for you
unless you set it straight.

And maybe this thing happened
to you just to give you a chance
to do that.

Nonsense, and you
wanna know why?

Anybody here who's interested
in what Melvin has to say
raise their hand.

♪ We met a year ago
in a place called Baltimore ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪

♪ Where did my girl go
Do you want to know
what happened with my parents?

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa
Yes.

When I was a kid—
Wait wait wait.

I'm gonna pull over,
give you my full attention.

oo [Stops]

[ Simon ]
Well, I always painted, and
my mother always encouraged it.

I mean, she was really sort of—
She was sort of fabulous
about it actually.

And she used to—

You know, I was too young
to think there was anything
wrong with it,

and she was—
she was very natural.

So she used
to pose nude for me.

And I always thought—
or guess I assumed—
that my father knew about it

This stuff is pointless.
Hey! Let him
finish, please.

You like sad stories?
You wanna hear mine?
Stop.

Go ahead. Really, please
don't let him stop you.

Um, one day he walked in.
And he found us, and he just—

He started screaming—
My father didn't come out
of his room for 11 years,

He used to hit me
on the hands with a yardstick
if I made a mistake...

playing the piano.

Huh?

Go ahead, Simon.

So, you said he came
in your room,
and he was yelling?

Uh-huh.
Please, come on.

Um, he was, um—
Come on.

Yeah, I know—
He was— I was—

I remember
I was defending my mother,
and I was trying to, you know,

make peace
in the lamest way.

I said— I said,
"She's not naked. It's art."

[ Laughs ]

And he started hitting me,

and he... beat me unconscious.

And he talked to me
less and less after that.

I mean, he knew what I was
before I did.

And the morning
that I left for college,

he walked into my room.

And he held out his hand.

And it was filled with money.

A big... sweaty wad of money.

And he said, "I don't want you
to ever come back."

And I just grabbed him,
and I hugged him,

and he turned and walked out.

Hey, we all have
these terrible stories
to get over, and you—

That's not true.
Some of us have great stories,

pretty stories, that take place
at lakes with boats...

and friends and noodle salad.

Just no one in this car.
But a lot of people—
that's their story.

Good times. Noodle salad.

What makes it so hard
is not that you had it bad,
but that you're that pissed...

that so many others
had it good.

- No, I don't think so.
- Not it at all, really.

Not it at all, huh?

Okay.

Let's, uh, go
to the hotel, and, uh,

tomorrow you'll see
if you can get another big wad
of sweaty money out of his hand.

[ Grunts ]

[ Suitcase Popping ]
Can l ask you
a personal question?

[ Laughing ]
Sure.

You ever get an erection
over a woman?

- Melvin—
- I mean, wouldn't your life
be easier if you weren't—

You consider
your life easy?

All right.
I give you that one.

[ Exhales ]

Nice packing.

Whoa.

[ Spencer Breathing Heavily
On Telephone Line ]
Hi.

Hey, Spence!
Hey, Mom.

Wait till you hear.

Why are you out of breath?
Mom, I ran over a guy
and scored a goal.

You did?
Yep, he was big.
Charlie, you know!

That's great!
Yep, amazing.

Oh, my God, right?
Yeah.

Mom, we're playing again.
Gotta go.
No, no—

Bye.
Wait, wait. Just tell me—
[ Sighs ]

Uh!

[ Beverly ]
He scored a goal.
Mom, I don't believe it.

Oh, you would've died.
[ Laughing ]
Yeah.

My son was outside
playing soccer.

Come on.
Take me out
for a good time.

- Take me out dancing.
- Dancing?

[ Melvin Clears Throat ]
I can't. I'm exhausted.

Oh, come on.
No.

Please, come on.
Oh, come on.
No. No.

All right. All right.
You're right.
Yeah.

Are you sad
or something?
No. No, no.

I'm nervous.

It would be very rough,
Carol, if you weren't along.

- What a nice compliment.
- [ Chuckles ]

I'm happy.

And you're my date.

Let's get dressed,

Uh, um, uh—

I'm gonna jump
in the shower.
Okay!

I'll be right
with you.
Okay!

Uh—

[Shower Running]

[ Water Still Running ]
[Melvin Whistling ]

[ Shower Stops ]

All set?

Yeah.

[ Man ] Mr. and Mrs.—
[Melvin]
Do you sell hard-shell crabs?

[Man #2] Yes.
[Melvin]
Do they sell hard-shells?

[Woman]
yes.
[ Melvin ] Do they?

[ Customers Chattering,
Laughing ]

[ Melvin ]
Do they sell hard-shells?
[ Man #3 ] Yes.

[ Melvin ]
Excuse. Thank you.
JW [Lounge Singer, Indistinct ]

- Good evening.
- Hi. You have hard-shells, right?

Stop asking everyone.
Just him,
That's all.

Okay, you can answer.
We worked it out.

- Yes, we do.
- Ah.

- Oh, and, uh, I can give you
a tie and jacket.
- What?

Oh, they require
a tie and jacket,
but we have some available.

♪ [Lounge Singer Continues,
Indistinct I

Sir?

No, I'm not putting
that on.

In case you were gonna ask, I'm
also not going to let you inject
me with the plague, either.

It's such a nice place.
You probably have these dry-cleaned
all the time, don't you?

Actually, I don't think so.

Uh, well—

you just, uh,
wait here.

Excuse me.
Thank you.
Excuse me.

[Woman]
Excuse me. Sorry.

[ Tires Squealing ]

Good evening.

Uh, I need a coat and tie.
Well, come on in.

No.

No?

- Uh, that one.
- This one?

That one, yeah,
and this tie.

[ Patrons Chattering ]

Excuse me.

JW [Lounge Singer, Indistinct ]

She's here.

We saved a table
for you.
Oh, thanks.

Should I get her
for you?

No, it's all right.
I'll, uh— I'll just watch.

[Wo
Lr man ♪

Mm-hmm.
Can I buy you a drink?

Oh, this is plenty.
No, thank you.

♪ Only thought was only
in my dreams

♪ Only ♪

Only love

♪ It's mine only

♪ My only man

♪ My only love

♪ My only ♪

♪ Soon, every kiss of yours
will be

♪ Mine, all mine ♪

- ♪ You for me ♪
- Ma'am?

Forever more ♪
Hmm? Oh.

Oh, wait.

♪ My only man
My only one

- [ Mouthing Words ]
- ♪ My only ♪

♪ My only man

♪ My only love

♪ My only ♪

♪ There was a time
that life was good ♪

♪ But only by myself
But the love I found with you
There was no one else

♪ [Continues ]
You look so se—

You look, uh, great.

You look great.

Only love
My only ♪

♪ My only man

♪ My only love J,'
You wanna dance?

Well, I've been thinking
about that since you brought it
up before.

- And?
- No.

I don't get this place.
They make me buy a new outfit,

and they let you in
in a housedress.

I don't get it.

What? Wait, wait.
No, wait. What?

Where you going?
No, why? I mean, I-

Uh—-

I didn't mean it that way.
I mean, you gotta sit down.

You can still give me
the dirty look, just sit down
and give it to me.

Pay me a compliment, Melvin.
I need one. Quick.

You have no idea how much
what you just said
hurt my feelings.

The mono-minute someone gets
that they need you,
they threaten to walk out.

A compliment is something nice
about somebody else.

- [Singer]
This is a request from June—
- Now or never.

Okay.
Happy Anniversary.

[Audience Applauds,
Cheers]
♪ [Starts Up, Indistinct ]

I mean it.

Can we order first?

Okay.
Um-—

[ Shouting ]
Two hard-shell crab dinners!
Pitcher ice-cold beer!

- Uh, baked or fries?
- [ Whispering ]
Fries.

Fries.

Fries.
One baked, one fried.

[ Waiter ]
I'll tell your waiter!

My waiter.
Okay, now.

I got a real great compliment
for you, and it's true.

I'm so afraid you're about
to say something awful.

Don't be pessimistic.
It's not your style.

Okay, here I go.

Clearly a mistake.

I've got this, what, ailment.

My doctor, a shrink
that I used to go to all the time,

he says that
in 50 or 60 percent
of the cases,

a pill really helps.

I hate pills.

Very dangerous thing, pills.

Hate. I'm using
the word "hate" here
about pills. Hate.

My compliment is, that night
when you came over and told me
that you would never—

- [ Groans ]
- Um, all right.

Well, you were there.
You-You know what you said.

Well, my compliment
to you is,

the next morning
I started taking the pills.

I don't quite get how
that's a compliment
for me.

You make me want
to be a better man.

That's maybe the best compliment
of my life.

Well, maybe I overshot a little,
because I was aiming...

at just enough to keep you
from walking out.

[ Laughing ]

[ Exhales ]

How's it goin'
with those pills?

Good, I hope,
I hope, I hope.
[ Chuckles ]

Well, it's, uh—

it's little by little.

It's— It's exhausting
talking like this.

Exhausting.

[ Sighs, Groans ]

Do you ever let
a romantic moment make you do
something you know is stupid?

Never.

Here's the trouble
with never.

[ Laughs ]

You don't owe me that.

That wasn't a payment.

When you first came
into breakfast,

when I first saw you,
I thought you were handsome.

Then, of course,
you spoke.

So, now that your soft,
little underbelly's
all exposed,

tell me, why did you
bring me here?

Why,

it's a—

a personal question.

Tell me, even if
you're scared.
Scared?

T-Tell me why
you wanted me here.

It's okay.

If you ask me, I'll say yes.

Well, I-

I— 1 know, I—

There's a lot of reasons.

I thought, maybe if you had sex
with Simon, maybe it would—
What?

Well, it's— just one— It's one idea.
That's why you brought me?

Like I'm a... what,
and I owe you what?

I don't know why
I brought you. I-I—-

It was just one thought
that I had. It came out first.
That was all there was to it.

I thought you kiss him— me—
when you two seemed to hit it off.

Wait, no! Wait, wait.
That's— Uh, I didn't mean—

Forget what I said about Simon.
I'll never forget
you said it.

It's a mistake.

It was a mistake.

[ Groans ]

[ Man On Answering Machine ]
Hello, this is Fred Bishop—
[ Woman ] And Betty.

Sorry to be unable to take your
call. Please leave a message
with all pertinent information.

Say "good-bye."
Oh, good-bye.

And thank you.
[ Machine Beeps ]

Uh, it-it, it's Simon.

I'm in town.

Hello?

Folks, you haven't been out
later than 10:00
in your entire lives.

Please pick up the phone.

Really!

Okay, well, I'm gonna
try you in the morning.
I need to, uh, see you,

or at least get you
to answer the phone.

How are ya?

Is this gonna be
your room?
Our room.

I don't wanna see him,
and he's not gonna come
knockin' on your door.

What happened?

Don't ask.
Oh!

Can you not be
so violent?
I don't think so.

Do you need help—
No!

I'm taking a big bath
and ordering a big meal.
Uh-huh.

I'm sorry.
Are you okay?

[ Sighs ] Don't ask.
I'm tired of my own complaints.
I gotta get some new thoughts.

- Why? What are you thinking about?
- How to die, mostly.

Can you believe
in our little mix
you're the "good" roommate?

[ Grunts ]

Good night.
Good night

[ Groans ]

[ Water Running ]

[ Whispering ]
Hold it.

[ Clicks Switch ]

- I have to draw you.
- Huh?

I have to draw you.

No, no, no. Absolutely not.
I'm a lot more shy
than people think.

I give off
the wrong impression—
I have to.

- I haven't sketched
anything in weeks.
- Stop staring. Do a vase.

But you're beautiful, Carol.

Your skin, your long neck,

the back, the line of you—

You're why cavemen
chiseled on walls.

[ Laughs ]
All right, cut me a break.

[ Turns Water On ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Melvin ] The next thing
I know, she's sittin' right
there next to me, you know.

Well, it's not right
to go into details,
I got nervous.

l.. screwed up.
I said the wrong thing.

[ Exhales ]

Where if I hadn't, I—

I could be in bed right now
with a woman who if...

you make her laugh
you got a life.

Instead, I'm here with you.

No offense, but a moron
pushing the last legal drug.

[Groans]

Jameson, soda back.

[Laughing ]

I'm sorry.
I don't care how
you put this.

We're bein' naughty
here, pal.

No, no, this is—
this is great.

This is so great.

I swear to God, my hand
won't even keep up.

Hold it. Hold it.
I'm just turning.

But then hold that.
Hold any of them.
Okay, this?

It doesn't matter.
I can't get over my hand's
not even bothering me.

I can't—
I just— I—

I can't get the angle
with this— this cast.

Oh! Oh, careful!
[ Panting, Screaming ]

- [ Chuckles ]
- [ Laughs ]

[ Exhales ]

I'm comin' in.
It's late.

Did you have sex with her?

Okay, so are you sure
you don't want your
shampoos or anything?

Sorry.

I didn't know
she was still here.

Did you have sex with her?
To hell with sex!

It was better than sex.
We held each other.

What I need
he gave me, great.

I'll get dressed
in a hurry.

[ Chuckles ]

I just love her.

How you doin'?

[ Disgusted Sigh ]

[ Phone Ringing ]
[ Woman ]
Hello?

Mom? Hi.
Hello, Simon.

[ Whispering ]
You were right.
We were home last night.

Do you have to whisper?
I can barely hear you.
I'm not a screamer. Look—

No, no, no, no.
It was the luckiest thing for
all of us you didn't answer.

Your father has not
been feeling well.
I can't hear you!

Hold on.
Hold for what?
What do you gotta do?

I get why you're angry
with me, but it's no—

Shh! He's talking
to his parents.
Then you listen to me.

Truly, no grudges.
Okay? Truly.

I mean, it was a little odd
that you didn't come and see me
when you heard I was hurt—

We almost did.
I don't even wanna
talk about it. I—

The important thing is
that your son is happy.
You do sound different.

Yes, I'm working again—
Good. About money—

No, I don't need anything.
Oh.

I'll drop you a line
from wherever I land,

and then it's up to you
to make the next move,
and I hope you do.

Then he's gonna wanna stay.
And they'll wanna take a ride
to the lake or whatever—

Okay. Bye-bye.
He's gonna feel
stirred up.

Bye, dear.
Bye, Mom.

So, we'll probably have
a good five-hour drive.

It'll give us a chance
to relax...
So?

be together alone—
I'm coming with you.

- What about your parents?
- No, no, no. I'll take care of myself.

What are you talkin'
about? You got
real problems.

I know.
I'm a little bit nervous.

Suddenly, everything
seems so easy.

Carol, a load
has been lifted.

[ Sighs ]
One night with me.
You think you're kidding.

[Door Closes ]

[ Melvin ]
Aw, geez. No choice.

I got a gift for you.
Nothing like no choice
to make you feel at home.

Let me see.

Ahh. Gorgeous.

Do it then. And get the dog
picked up. I can't believe
you let it stay there.

Good-bye.
Your luck's runnin'.

They sublet your place.
You're homeless.

Frank's got a line
on another place
you can use for now.

Another place where?
Does it matter?

No.

It doesn't

I'm fine.
Like the hat?

- [ Laughs ]
- [ Laughs ]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Carol Laughs ]

♪ [Piano]

♪ love you ♪

♪ For sentimental reasons

I don't wanna hear
that music right now.

What do you mean?
You said you liked it.
I don't.

♪ hope you do
believe me
This one has a meaning.

Well, it's your car,
but I don't wanna hear it,
if that means anything!

JW" [Volume Increases ]

♪ love you ♪

oo [Stops]

[Melvin]
Yes, sir. All right.

Here's the, uh—
Here's the keys
to my apartment.

You— You go up there
and wait, and I'm gonna
take Carol home. Wait, uh—

Ill take a bus.

No, no, I'll take ya.

Can you, uh—
Can you come here?

Look, I don't care what
you did for me. II-
What's wrong?

I don't think
I wanna know you anymore.

All you do is make me
feel bad about myself.

You have my number.

Let him
take you home.

Don't want to.

I love you.
Love you too.

Don't say anything.

Yeah, look, I gotta get
a hold of Frank and see
where I'm hangin' my hat.

Well, I think
you're gonna have to
camp it here.

What are you talking about?
Oh, look. Wa-hoo!

Look at you, sweetheart.
Look at you.
Come here.

Look at you, sweetheart.
Look at Verdell!

You feel like
your old self again.
I know the feeling.

Mommy and Daddy
are home.

Sorry. You're just
fun to mess with.

Okay.

They rented your place
furnished.

Jackie said she was gonna
bring your personal things.

They were gonna set you up
in here. It's an extra room.
I never use it.

It's got good light.
No other choice really.
[Barking ]

I'm comin'.
I'm comin'.

Well, this is, uh,
um, nice.

It's, uh—
Looks good. They, uh—

They got your music,

paintings, paints,

I'd have to say
they did a good job.

It's, uh—

You know, it's gonna
be okay, huh?

Cozy, huh?
Yeah.

[ Sighs ]
Thank you, Melvin.

You overwhelm me.

[ Sighs ]

I love you.

I tell ya, buddy,

I'd be the luckiest guy alive
if that did it for me.

Well, let's, uh, um—

Make yourself
at home.

Anything else in the bag?

But I was playing soccer
while you were away!
I know.

I love my cookbook!

It's great. It's got all
these wonderful recipes in here.

It says something with a shark.
I never even fixed
shark before.

Shark with a bite,
would you like that, Spencer?
No.

There's some cookies here
called "Wasps' Nests."

[Melvin Groans]

[Simon ]
Where is my big,
hairy boy? Where is he?

Where is my beautiful boy?
Sweetheart?

Oh! You're in bed.

No. No.

Yeah, um— Melvin.

I just didn't think Verdell
should get too comfortable...

sleeping in here 'cause
it's really not gonna—
Well, look.

- The dog's already comfortable.
- [Phone Ringing ]

Um, is this okay?

Huh?

Hello?
Hi, it's me. Hi!

Yes! He took me in.

Yes. It's Carol for you.

- I basically fainted when I—
I walked in and Jackie had—
- Just take the dog.

Take the dog!
I gotta go.

Just take the dog.
Oh, come here.

That's right.
Take him.

Come on. Move fast.
[ Makes Kissing Sound ]

Don't limp.
Move fast. Come on.
Good luck.

[ Moans ]

[ Clears Throat Loudly ]

Hello?

Yeah.
How you doin'?

Not so hot.
Why? What's wrong?

I don't know whether
I'm being sensible
or hard on you.

Maybe both. Maybe.

See? Right there I don't know
whether you're being cute
Or Crazy now.

- Cute.
- You don't have to answer
everything I say!

Just listen to me, okay?
Listen to me.

It's really something
that you're looking
after Simon.

And what I said
on the street,
that was a bad thing to say.

It made me sick to my stomach.
It was a bad thing to say.

And I'd be lying if I didn't say
I... enjoy your company.

But the truth is
you do bother me enormously.

And I know that—
think that it's—

I think that it's better
for me to not have contact with you
because you're not ready.

And you're a pretty old guy
to not be ready, and
I'm too old to ignore that!

But there were extraordinary
kindnesses that did take place.

[ Chuckles ]
So, anyway,
thanks for the trip.

Good night.
Good night.

Okay if I say somethin' now?

Go ahead.

I should've danced with you.

[ Grunts ]

Good night.

Good night.

[ Dial Tone Humming ]

[ Shouting ]
Are you gonna
talk to me or not?

- I'm coming.
- [ Grumbling ]

[ Disgusted Groaning ]

What'd she say?

That I'm a great guy,
extraordinary,

and she doesn't want
contact with me!

I'm dyin' here.

Because...
you love her.

No.

And you people are supposed
to be sensitive and sharp?

Then you tell me why!
You're the one who's
"dying here."

- I don't know.
Let me sleep on it.
- Oh, come on!

- I'll figure it out.
- Oh, please.

It's, uh—
[ Stammering ]

I'm stuck.
I can't get back
to my own life.

She's evicted me
from my life.

Did you really like it
that much?

Well, it's better than this.
Look, you.

I'm very intelligent. If you're
gonna give me hope, you gotta do
better than you're doing.

If you can't be at least
mildly interesting,
then shut the hell up!

I mean, I'm drowning here,
and you're describing the water!

Well, picking on me won't help!

Well, if that's true,
I'm really in trouble.

But— Melvin, do, do you know
where you're lucky?

You know who you want.

I would take your seat any day.

So, so, do something
about it!
[ Scoffs ]

Go over there, now, tonight!
Don't sleep on it.

I mean, it's not always good
to let things calm down.

You can do this, Melvin.
You can do this.

You can. Pull the stops.
Tell her how you feel.
You can do this.

Hey, I'm, I'm,
I'm charged here.

Yes, you are!
She might kill me
if I go over there.

Well, then get
in your jammies and
I'll read you a story!

I really think
you have a chance here.

The best thing you have going
for you is your willingness
to humiliate yourself.

So, go over there. Do this.
Catch her off guard.

Okay.
Okay.

Thanks a lot.
Okay.

Here I go.

What's wrong?

- I forgot to lock the door.
- Huh.

[ Doorbell Buzzing ]

[ Door Buzzer Sounding ]
[ Gasps ]

- [Door Closes ]
- [Groans ]

- What do you want, Melvin?
- I'm sorry I woke you.
Some other time—

I wasn't asleep.

What a break.

Is it a secret
what you're doing here?

[ Sighs ]
I had to see you.

Because?

[ Sighs ]
It relaxes me.
[ Chuckles ]

I'd feel better sitting outside
your apartment on the curb...

than any other place
I can think of or imagine.

No, no, wait.
That's— That's overstating.

I'd rather be sitting
inside on the steps,

'cause I don't wanna get
my feet in the gutter.

What would that serve?
Stop it!

Why can't I just have
a normal boyfriend? Why?

Just a regular boyfriend
who doesn't go nuts on me?

Everybody wants that, dear.
It doesn't exist.

Uh—

Oh, I'm, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to interrupt.

Boyfriend.

Come on in, and try not
to ruin everything
by being you.

Maybe we could live
without the wisecracks.

Maybe we could.

It feels a little confined
in here. Let's take a walk.

See, it's 4:00 in the morning.
A walk sounds a little screwy to me,

if you don't mind.

Well, if you need
an excuse, uh,

there's a bakery
on the corner.

We got a good shot
it'll be open soon.
That way we're not screwy.

Just... two people
that like warm rolls.

Okay.

Joo [ Melvin Humming ]

What are you doing?

I still want you to hear
part of that car song.

You don't have to.
♪ [Resumes]

oo [ Whistling ]

♪ And darling
I'm never lonely ♪

♪ Whenever
you're in sight gt

Thank you.
[ Chuckles ]

You know, I was hop—

I'm sorry. Whatever this is
is not gonna work.

[ Muttering ]
I'm feeling—
What?

I've been feel—

I'm feeling better, Carol.
Melvin.

Even though it may seem
that way now,

you don't know me
all that well.

I'm not the answer for you.

Hey, I've got a great
compliment for you.

You-— You know what.
I— I—

Ju-ju-ju-ju-ju—
Just let me—
let me talk.

Just—

I might be the only person
on the face of the Earth...

that knows you're
the greatest woman on Earth.

I might be the only one...
[ Chuckles ]

who appreciates how amazing
you are in every single thing
that you do.

And how you are
with Spencer— Spence.

And in every single thought
that you have...

and how you say what you mean
and how you almost always
mean something...

that's all about
being straight and good.

And I-
I think most people
miss that about you.

And I watch them, wondering
how they can watch you
bring their food...

and clear their tables
and never get that they just met
the greatest woman alive.

And the fact
that! get it..

makes me feel good...

about me.

[ Chuckles ]

Is that something that's
bad for you to be around—
for you?

No.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm gonna grab you.

[ Laughing ]

I didn't mean for that
to be a question.
I'm gonna grab you.

I know I can do better
than that.

Oh, Mel—

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

Better.
Definitely better.

[ Chuckling ]

See?

Oh!
What's this?

Warm rolls.
[ Chuckles ]

Scusatemi,
[ Both ]
Excuse us.

[ Melvi
Ahh! n

[Man]
♪ Always look on
the bright side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ Always look on
the bright side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad

♪ Other things just make you
swear and curse

♪ When you're chewing
on life's gristle ♪

♪ Don't grumble
Give a whistle

♪ This'll help things turn out
for the best

♪ Always look on
the bright side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ Always look on
the right side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten

♪ And that's to laugh and smile
and dance and sing ♪

♪ When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps

♪ Just purse your lips and whistle
That's the thing ♪

♪ So always look on
the bright side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ Always look on
the bright side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ Life's a counterfeit
when you look at it

♪ Life's a laugh and death's the joke
It's true ♪

♪ You see, it's all a show
Keep them laughing as you go

♪ Just remember
the last laugh is on you

[Men's Chorus ]
♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ Always look on
the right side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ Always look on
the bright side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ Always look on
the right side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ [Ends]

[Man]
J! think of you every morning

Dream of you every night

♪ Darling, I'm never lonely

♪ Whenever you are in sight ♪