Original subtitles

I'm just gonna get some flowers, dear. I'll be back in 20 minutes.

It's tulip season today, and I'm, oh, so happy.

[ Elevator Bell Rings ]

Son of a— [Man] Come on, sweetie.

Come on, sweetie.

Excuse me.

Yes, come on. Come on, now, sweetheart.

Come on, sweetie. Come on.

Go for a little ride, then you can whiz all over the city.

Come on.

Come on. Go for a ride. Come on. Come on, sweetie.

No! Freeze, freeze.

Leg down. Leg down. Leg down. Leg down.

That's it That's it. Come on, now.

Come on. Come on, now. Come on.

No! You monkey-eared son of a— [ Growls ]

You... have pissed your last floor.

I bet you... wish you were... areal d—

Oh! Oh, you—

you dog-eared monkey.

This is New York. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.

You ugly, smelly— [Loud Banging ]

[Dog Whining ] [ Banging Continues ]

[Man] Verdell? Uh-oh.

Verdell? Verdell?

Where's my good doggie? Verdell?

Come here, sweetheart.

- Mr. Udall? - Mm-hmm?

- Have, uh— Have you seen Verdell? - What does he look like?

Uh, my dog. You know, my—

my dog with the little face, little adorable face.

Don't you know what my dog looks like?

Oh! 1 got it. You were talking about your dog. Yeah.

I thought it was the name of that colored man that I've been seeing in the halls.

Which color was that?

Uh, like thick molasses. Uh, with a broad nose.

Frank! Perfect for smelling trouble and prison food.

Frank! Simon, you have got to get dressed.

- Frank Sachs, Melvin Udall. - How ya doin'?

Frank shows my work, Mr. Udall.

I think— Yeah, I think you know that. People are gonna start coming.

What I know is as long as you keep your work zipped up around me,

I don't give a rat crap what or where you shove your show.

Are we done being neighbors for now?

Let me talk to you for a minute. No, no, no.

Not worth it. Definitely not worth it. Verdell must be in the apartment.

Okay.

Hope you find him. Love that dog.

You don't love anything, Mr. Udall.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

One, two, three, four, five.

One, two, three, four, five.

One, two, three, four, five.

Okay.

Hot! Hot, hot, hot!

Ooh! Ooh!

[ Crowd Chattering ] [Man] Oh, Carl, Carl.

Hi, Carl. Frank. So, where is he?

He's here, isn't he? He lives here. No, no. Take it easy.

He just had a little thing with the dog.

First of all, it's not such a hot-looking dog. He's adorable.

[Man] Where are you going, Frank? Who buys more than me?

Good Lord! My honey, where have you been?

Oh, look at my boy! Look at him! Mmm.

- Yeah, I found him, Mr. Bishop. - I know you did. We know you did.

[ Chuckling ] Where was my little baby? Where was my baby?

In the basement garbage bin, eating diaper shit.

Go ahead, John. You earned your fun.

[ Laughing ] I'm sorry. It just struck me as funny.

Oh, uh, wait

How did he get down in the basement?

I mean, even if he got in the elevator—

Maybe some nice neighbor shoved him down the garbage chute?

[Melvin] "Somewhere in the dark, [ Typing ]

"she had confessed, and he had forgiven.

"This is what you live for,' he said.

"Two heads on a pillow, where all is approval,

"and there is only the safety of being with each other.

"How, she wondered, could she find such hope...

"in the most shameful part of her? [ Knock At Door ]

[Simon ] Mr. Udall? "At last, she was able to define love.

Love was—" [Knocking Continues]

Mr. Udall, I'd like to speak to you, please.

Let me do this by myself.

"Love was—" [Knocking Continues] Are you in there?

Son of a bitch!

Pansy ass stool pusher!

Yes!

Maybe this can wait. Yeah.

I— I found, uh— I found Verdell, Mr. Udall.

Well, that's a load off.

Uh-huh. Did you— Did you d-do something to him?

Do you realize that I work at home?

Uh, no. I wasn't aware.

Do you like to be interrupted when you're nancing around in your little garden?

No, no, I-I— No, no.

I actually will turn the ringer off on my phone and sometimes put a piece of cardboard in—

Well, I work all the time.

So never, never interrupt me. Okay?

Not if there's a fire,

not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home...

and one week later, there's a smell coming from there that can only be...

a decaying human body, and you have to hold a hankie to your face...

because the stench is so thick that you think you're gonna faint.

Even then, don't come knocking.

Or, if it's election night,

and you're excited and you want to celebrate because some fudge packer that you date...

has been elected the first queer president of the United States,

and he's going to have you down to Camp David,

and you want someone to share the moment with.

Even then, don't knock.

Not on this door.

Not for any reason.

Do you get me, sweetheart?

Yes.

It's not a... subtle point that you're making.

Okay, then.

So, the theory of confrontation says now he'll think twice before messing with me.

All right.

"Love was—"

[ Mumbling ] What was love?

"Love was—"

[ Knocking At Door ]

Now I'm pissed. Now I am really pissed!

Hoo! [ Grunts ] Don't touch.

Don't touch! Don't touch! Shh. Shh. Shut up!

You think you can intimidate the whole world with your attitude, but you don't intimidate me.

I grew up in hell, homeboy.

My grandmother had more attitude. Police!

Doughnut-munching morons! Help me!

Help me! Help me! Shh. Shut up!

Assault and battery, and you're black!

I like Simon! I like him enough to batter you unrecognizable...

if you verbally abuse him or so much as touch that dog again.

Meantime,

I'm gonna think of some way that you can make it up to him.

I hate doin' this! I'm an art dealer.

Have a nice day. Okay. Party.

Party!

Excuse me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't touch. Don't touch. Get a life.

[Man] Hey, watch it! Don't touch!

Look at you. You're all better, huh? Uh-huh.

It's that new medication. So you know all my son's stuff, right?

No, no, no, no. I got a date tonight. I'm walkin' out the door, he says to me,

"Mom, I promise not to get one of my fevers or coughs during your date."

Isn't that sweet? Little blond angel. Eats everything.

It just came out. I said, "You love me the way you love your remote control.

As long as I switch every time you press one of my buttons." That's great.

I know, yeah. Terrific.

I think people that talk in metaphors ought to shampoo my crotch.

[ Melvin ] Eat up. [ Waitress ] Stay there. I've got your money.

No, you pay me next week. No, I owe you. I told you today. That's the rule.

'Scuse me, Melvin. [ Mumbling ]

'Scuse me.

- There you go. You take care. - Thank you.

Pardon me.

Pardon me. Take the money. Debts make me crazy.

This way you take a cab home so you have time to get ready for the date.

[ Chuckling ] "Ready" is not my problem.

[ Laughing ] I'm starving!

Go on. Sit down. You know you're not allowed back here.

Spence is more excited by it than I am.

He says, "Mom, I promise not to get a fever or cough during your date."

Coming through. Sometimes, this kid, you just wanna—

[ Growls ] I've got Jews at my table.

It's not you're table; it's the place's table. Behave.

This once, you can sit at someone else's station.

[ Waitresses Gasping ]

Or you can wait your turn.

You have feelings for— Well, yes.

[ Conversation Continues ] How much more you got to eat?

Appetites aren't as big as your noses, huh?

- What? - That's it. Forget it.

[ Waitress ] All right. Let me talk to him. Let's go.

Barred for life. Here I go!

- They left. - Yeah, what do you know?

Bryan says he doesn't care how long you've been coming.

You ever act like this again, you're barred for life.

I'm gonna miss the excitement, but I'll handle it.

Three eggs over easy,

two sausage, six strips of bacon with fries.

- Fries today? - A short stack,

coffee with cream and sweetener.

You're gonna die soon with that diet, you know that.

Ah, we're all gonna die soon. I will, you will, and it sure sounds like your son will.

If you ever mention my son again, you will never be able to eat here again.

Do you understand?

Give me some sign you understand, or leave now.

Do you understand me, you crazy fuck?

Do you?

[ Mumbling ] Yeah, yeah. Yes.

Yes.

Okay, I'll get your order.

Why don't you wear my earrings tonight.

[ Door Opens ] It's just so interesting what you said at dinner.

You said it like it was nothin'. I mean if you— Aah!

[ Laughing ]

[ Whispering ] Where's the bedroom? Uh, uh, the truth—

This is sort of it. I sort of, um—

I sort of s-sleep in here.

Don't worry about it.

[ Chuckling ]

What?

I-1 don't know.

[ Child Coughing ]

Grandma. Grandma.

Maybe you'd better check.

What did you think I was gonna do?

♪ Woman Humming ♪

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mom! Mama! I was hearing everything that you were doing,

so I put these on to give you privacy.

So how was dinner? Hey, pal.

How's your friend? You okay?

Not bad. You got a temperature?

Scootch over.

[Spencer] Where did your friend take you to eat?

Nice place. [Spencer Coughing ]

Carol, I have him. Carol.

One more spit. I said I have him, He's waiting.

Go! [Spencer] She has me.

Okay, pal. Give me a hug. Carol!

Give me a big hug. Carol, I have him.

I'm okay, Mom. She has me. Go.

Close the curtains.

No, no, no. You can't smoke. He can't take smoke.

Magic.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Ah, Oh, God. Well, that'll teach you.

I don't even notice it anymore.

All right Come here.

It's all right. You don't have to get that embarrassed. It's a little bit of throw-up.

Little bit of throw up.

Well, what should we do?

Want me to write down which trains you take to get home, or you wanna lay down and-

No, no, no. I'll— I'll take a cab.

Just a little too much reality for a Friday night.

[Man] I just can't. I promised Simon 1'd find him a model,

[Man #2 ] Carl, take me off the speaker. Did I tell you that these are house seats?

Come on. You could use a break.

Hello? Carl?

You there? [ Horn Honking ]

Hello? Okay. I just found a model.

[ Horn Honking ] Hey, boys.

Hey, look. I know this guy. He even bought me dinner. Hey!

Carl, right?

Hey. What's goin' on?

- Hey. Hi. Remember? - I only need one.

You picked me up, maybe a few weeks, I don't know, some time ago.

- But this is for a portrait. I need a pretty face. - Portrait?

Come here. I'll give you the address. It's for tomorrow morning.

Brad Pitt is the shit. Do you read?

[Doorbell Ringing ] ♪ [Classical ]

Who is it, baby? [ Growling ]

Who is that, Verdell? Who is that?

Uh, I-'m sorry. I-I told you today.

I was out in the studio doing my work, and I just—

It's out here. You sure have great things.

Gershwin. He's great, isn't he?

I usually make such a big deal about pickin' models, but Carl is so thorough.

I bet he drove you nuts checking your résumé, huh?

oo [ Humming ]

This is not a nude.

Just kiddin' around.

So much for love.

And yet another pose.

Exactly what is your previous experience? How 'bout that?

I'm runnin' out of ideas here.

Well, then give me some direction, okay?

Uh, nothing. I just watch until something, uh, strikes me.

I mean, do, do anything that you think of

Wait for me to say, "Hold that pose,"

and then just try to... comfortably hold it.

No direction.

Okay.

What I do is I watch.

You ever watch somebody who doesn't know that you're watching them?

An old woman... sitting on a bus,

or kids going to school or somebody just waiting?

And you see this flash come over them,

and you know immediately that it has nothing to do with anything external,

because that hasn't changed.

And when you see it, they're just sort of "realer" and they're more alive.

I mean, you look at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.

Wow.

No, no. I know exactly what you mean.

Oh, my God. Hold it.

[ Man ] Hey, look out. [ Woman ] Excuse me.

whoa! Sorry.

[Woman] So I went in, and I got on the third line of dialogue,

and all of a sudden, I blanked.

I had no clue as to what the next line was. Clippity-clop, clippity-clop.

Ignores me. So he said to me, "Last chance."

Last chance. Oh, God.

- So I came back in. - Here she comes to ignore me again.

I messed up in the exact same line. Mmm.

I know, but guess what? [ Gargling ]

What? He cast me!

Just what the world needs. Another actress.

[ Laughing ] Okay, okay, okay.

Can't live without me, huh?

I'm finally gonna ask. All right, what's with the plastic picnic wear?

Why don't you try ours? Are you afraid it isn't clean?

You okay? Yep.

Well, I see the help. It's a judgment call.

So give yourself a little pep talk:

"Must try other people's clean silverware...

as part of the fun of dining out."

What's wrong with your son?

[ Chuckles ] What do you care?

He's got to fight to breathe. His asthma can just shoot off the charts.

He's allergic to dust, and this is New York,

so his immune system bails on him whenever there's trouble, sO an ear infectio—

Is this bothering you?

No.

An ear infection, whatever, sends us to the emergency room five, six times a month,

where I get whatever nine-year-old they just made a doctor.

Nice chatting with you.

Wh-— His name?

- Spencer. - Okay.

Spence.

Puppy. It's okay. Go on. Go on. ♪ Woman Singing On Radio ]

[ Singing Along ] ♪ Hand on my heart ♪

♪ [Radio Continues ]

You can put on anything you want now. I might be sort of done here.

I been comin' here for two weeks, and all we've done is work. Let's play!

♪ [Loud Rock ]

Vincent!

[ Turns Volume Down Slightly ]

♪ It's very far away

♪ It takes about a half a day to get there, ♪

os" [ Continues Indistinctly ] So, you're practically finished, huh?

Uh, yeah. There is one more stage.

Oh!

- Where ya goin'? - No place. I was just gonna sneak a peek.

- [ Barking ] - Verdell!

- Verdell, you want some chocolate? - No. He's not allowed.

Wait, um, um, I gotta take off. Do you wanna say good-bye or anything?

Yeah! He's just gotta go. One second. No, wait. Um, um—

[ Verdell Barking ] I'm gonna look at the painting, all right?

[Simon] Where you goin, sweetheart? Verdell?

Want some water? What is the matter with you?

Come on. You want some water?

Simon, wait!

Yo.

Why are you doing this?

Uh, no, no, no. No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

See, man, that painting in there—

[Man] What are you doing, cruisin' him?

[ All Screaming ]

[ Screaming ] Excuse me.

[ Simon ] Help me! [Man] No, we gotta go.

[ Shouting ] Come on, come on, come on.

[ Barking ]

Okay, so you call 9-1-1 and don't leave your name? Th-That's right. Yes.

Even a dumb geezer should know that emergency— Just move on. No one killed.

- Oh, is he dead? - Ask him.

- What's wrong with you? - Don't bark at me. I didn't name ya.

We will. And if we can't,

we'll come back and ask you again and again.

Hey. What, are you tryin' to intimidate me with that attitude?

I come from hell. My grandmother's got more attitude than you.

Go shake down a 7-Eleven for a day-old wiener. They want you inside, sir.

[Man ] Just a matter of time, sir. There's a painting of one of the guys in here.

[Man #2] Get some tape on it.

Oh, I've been praying for him since I heard.

[Frank] So, anyway, I'm on my way to the hospital.

If you could just watch the dog. Just for tonight.

Oh, no, no, no. No?

No, no, no. I'm sorry. [Sighs] Okay. Thanks.

Old bitch! Damn dog!

[ Chuckling ]

You're takin' him. Yes! Yes, you are!

Get the hell out of the way! You're takin' him.

This will even the books. One night

No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You want to say "no" to me?

You want to say "no" to me? Huh?

You want to say "no" to me?

I don't wanna say nothin' to you.

Because I've never felt this crazy as I do right now.

I almost— I almost want you to say "no".

[ Breathing Heavily ]

[ Elevator Bell Rings ]

- Thanks for lookin' after him. - Hey. Where ya goin'?

You can't do this! You don't want to mess with me today!

I can't take a dog! Nobody's ever been in here before!

[ Panting ] Hey, Frank!

Uh, Frank?

Hey, Frank! Frank!

[ Elevator Bell Rings ]

Uh, uh, three, four, five.

[ Counting Continues ]

You're dead.

Well, we don't have no dog food here; we don't want no dog food here.

You'll eat what we got! What we eat!

All right.

Don't you do anything!

Where's the trust?

[ Barks ]

Never a break. Never.

Dogs!

♪ [Piano]

♪ Always look at the bright side of your life ♪

♪ Always look at the lighter side of your life JJ,

God!

Well, we're not going to sell anything if they find out we're halfway through a show...

and we haven't sold a single painting!

No, we can't reduce the price at this stage! Sir, please.

[Woman] Shh! Shh! I'm in a free fall here.

Yes? We can see him.

Okay. I'll meet you in there.

I will meet... you in there, okay?

One minute.

Thank you. No, I'm here.

How ya doin', great one?

I haven't looked at myself yet.

I figured I could tell from your reaction.

- [ Sobbing ] - That bad, huh?

Okay. I talked to the doctor, and—

Oh, sh— [ Groans ]

Okay, it's, it's not that bad.

I talked to the doctors, and they say you're gonna be your old self in a couple weeks.

I mean, the scars here might take a little— Oh, shit!

- [ Sobbing ] - Aw, sh—

- Oh, Simon. - Uh, Jackie?

- [Sobbing] Yes? - Can you hand me a mirror, please?

N-No.

[ Sobbing ] Wait. I have a smaller one.

Okay.

- So, how are things, anyway? - [ Chuckling, Sobbing ]

- How is Verdell? - Your neighbor, Mr. Udall,

taking care of him.

How c— How could you do that?

He'll hurt him. No, Simon. I promise.

Not a chance!

I own this guy! Besides, there was nobody else. You know, I'm always on the move, and—

Trust me.

You are very certain my dog is okay, because you have no idea—

Yes, your dog is fine, Simon.

Okay.

Waiting gives the devil time.

Oh, my.

Where'd I go?

[Girl] Look how friendly he is. [ Carol ] That's your dog?

[ Child I He's so calm! What are you doing with a dog?

[ Sighs ]

Suckered in, set up, pushed around.

You're not worried someone might take it?

No, not until now, for Christ sake.

Sorry. I'm gonna sit here.

Hey, puppy! He's cute!

I love his little face. It's so cute.

I wonder what breed he is?

You know, he's a little dog.

Next time, if Bryan's not here, you can bring him in.

How old are you?

[ Chuckles ] If I was gonna guess by your eyes,

I'd say you were 50.

If I went by your eyes, I'd say you were kind.

So, so much for eyes, but as long as you bring up age, how old are you?

Oh, no, no. I mean, not— in other words— Well, you brought it up.

Not that you're ugly; that's not what I'm saying. [ Chuckles ]

Easy, easy, pal. I can take the compliment.

But my knees start knockin' when you turn on the charm full blast.

No, but I mean, what's, uh— what's with the dark?

Dawn patrol. Uh-huh.

Major dawn patrol. My son had a full-blown attack.

And this time, for extra fun, they gave us the wrong antibiotics.

So I get him home— No, no, no, no, no, no.

The dog. It's bacon for the— Bacon's for the—

for the dog.

Last week, I was playin' the piano for him, and he— he likes it.

So I decide I'm gonna...

uh, make a little joke. So, you're all set here?

I think it's a beautiful day for our walk today.

Very nice.

Wh—- Huh?

Hey! Hey! [ Chuckling ]

Look at that! Look at him!

I gotta give you somethin'. I gotta give you somethin' real good too.

I'm gonna show it to ya. Come on, buddy.

Don't be like me. Don't you be like me.

You stay just the way you are, 'cause you are a perfect man,

and I'm gonna take you home and get you somethin' to eat.

What you love, you hear me? Ohhh!

I'd like to be treated like that. I'm gonna take you home right now...

and get you some— Yes!

Let's go home and do some writing.

[Melvin] "He had made the girl happy. [Typing ]

"And what a girl!

"You saved my life,' she said.

You'd better make it up to me."

Done!

Done! Yes, I hate the doggie. Yes, I hate the doggie!

Whoa, 62 books!

Done!

[Woman] We have to cut back expenses every place we can.

[Woman #2] He has no medical insurance?

No. Let me see. These are the food recepts.

Yeah. Here are the household expenses.

Here's one for the dog again.

I can read it. I got it. I can't see it.

And all the laundry and the cleaners. Okay, good.

[Melvin] Boy, look at that, huh?

He likes it [ Doorbell Ringing ]

Oh, he likes it at Chez Melvin. Mm-hmm.

What are you comin' over here for? I told you to sit here.

[ Doorbell Ringing ] I can't cook with a dog near me.

Okay, Just sit. Good. We don't want any company.

I'll read you a little Ralph Waldo Emerson. Okay. Have it your way.

[Door Lock Turns ]

- Hey. - Hey.

How's Verdell doin'?

Ah, you know, he's a pain in the ass.

Well- Simon's home.

I was sort of hoping you can keep the dog...

until he's had a chance to think and adjust.

Oh, well, it's been weeks and weeks. A few more won't matter.

No, no. He definitely wants him back right away.

He'll be by tomorrow.

Okay.

Okay by me.

Hungry, huh? Be right with you, pooch.

One, two, three...

four, five.

One, two, three, four.

I'm okay.

[ Exhales ]

[ Cries, Sniffles ]

[ Whispering ] Okay.

[Lock Turning ] [ Whispering ] Three.

Mr. Udall?

Some face they left hangin' on ya. You look like—

Would you take it...

just...

a little easy, Mr. Udall?

Thank you.

Verdell?

Come here, my beautiful boy!

Come here! Come here, boy!

Let's go home and get well,

Ah, you can't blame him for being weird.

Have a look at yourself in the mirror.

Thank you.

Come on, sweetheart!

Verdell? Come here. Come here, boy.

I know what you want.

[ Kissing ] Come on!

Where's my boy?

No. D-D-Don't force him.

♪ [Piano]

[ Chuckling ]

Over a dog! ♪ [Ends]

[ Chuckling ] Over an ugly dog!

Worst sidewalk in New York.

Look where they put it.

Hi. Help!

If you want to see me, you will not do this. You will make an appointment.

Dr. Green, how can you diagnose someone as an obsessive-compulsive disorder...

and then act as though I had some choice about barging in.

There's not going to be a debate. You must leave.

You said you could help me! What was that? A tease?

I can help you if you take responsibility to keep regular appoint—

You changed the room around. Two years ago.

I also regrew my beard, but you're not interested in changes in me.

So it's like I always— Shh. I don't have this mountain of available time.

I have to get to my restaurant on time.

Now, do you know how hard it was for me to come here?

Yes. [ Whispering ] Thank you.

No, we're not doing this now.

I changed just one pattern, as you always said I should.

No. Nope.

[ Chattering, Falling Silent ]

What if this is as good as it gets?

Oh!

[ Door Opens, Slams Shut I

What the heck are those for?

No, no, no. Get Carol.

Oh, I'm fillin' in. We don't know if she's comin' back.

You know, I think she might be getting a job closer to home.

- Why plastic? - Wh-What are you tryin' to do to me?

What the heck do you mean?

Look, elephant girl, just— just g-go get Carol or something.

Just have her do my one meal here. I-

You know, I'll pay whatever you want. I'll wait.

- [ Shouting ] Do it! - [ Gasps ]

Bryan. Bryan. Code blue. Bryan. [Melvin ] Oh, no.

Out! Just shut up and get out!

[Bryan ] Do it!

I'll be quiet.

Just let me stay here. I'll No problem. Go get Carol.

Get her here.

I'm not a... prick. You are. I'm not judging.

I'm a great customer.

This day...

has been a disaster.

- I'm not sure if I can... handle this too. - Get out!

Get out immediately, or there's gonna be trouble.

Man, I mean it.

Okay.

[ Cheering ]

See ya! Bye!

It's about time!

Carol's last name? Connelly.

Thank you. [ Cheering Continues ]

[Boy] Hey, Dad! Dad! I'm over here!

[ Children Chattering ]

Does he visit often? No, not really. Not anymore.

What can you do?

[Man Chattering ]

[Child] Can I get some ice cream, Grandpa?

[Man] Why not? You're a good girl.

Hello.

[Melvin] Aye-yi-yi,

Oh! [ Grunts ] Christ!

[ Groans ]

[ Buzzer Sounding ]

♪ [Radio] [Knock At Door]

I'm hungry.

You've ruined my whole day. I haven't eaten.

- What are you doing here? - This is not a sexist thing.

If you were a waiter, I'd— Are you totally gone? This is my private home!

I'm trying to keep emotion out of this,

even though it's an important issue to me.

And I have very strong feelings on the subject.

What subject? That I wasn't there to take crap from you and bring you eggs?

Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?

Yes, I do, as a matter of fact.

And to prove it, I have not gotten personal, and you have.

Why aren't you at work?

You sick?

You don't look sick.

Just tired and bitter.

My son is sick, okay?

What about your mother?

How do you know about my mother?

I hear you talking while I wait.

[Spencer] Mom, I finished my juice. I'm sorry, honey. One sec.

Mom?

How ya doin'?

You should answer someone when they speak to you.

I'm sorry, Melvin. That's it. I cannot handle you teaching my son manners!

ow!

Back to life.

Uh-oh. What's wrong?

[ Together ] Five one-thousand, four one-thousand,

three one-thousand, two one-thousand, bingo.

104.9. We're gonna treat ourselves to a cabride.

Look out, you guys. Coming through.

Look out.

Look out, you guys. What's wrong?

We're okay. We're okay.

Melvin!

Wait!

[ Chanting ] Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait!

Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait!

Shut up, kids!

Giveus a lift, would you, Melvin?

A lift. Okay.

Cover your mouth when you cough, kid.

Brooklyn Presbyterian Hospital, please. And quickly, please!

Hospital? Yes.

Any chance you'll be back at work today? No!

Stay away from me! God!

Simon, we can't put this off any longer.

I feel terrible that I have to— [ Makes Kissing Noise ]

Simon. Huh?

Simon, could you just leave the dog for a second?

Sorry.

What are those cards?

Oh, Frank's idea. He thought I should have notes so I did this right.

Maintained focus, didn't get emotional and tried not to terrify you.

See, he's right. I need the cards.

"Simon, you're broke.

The medical bills are 61,000 now, and the show didn't go well."

I've spoken to your parents. They didn't hang up or anything.

But... they said they would feel strange about calling you.

Oh. Well, I can't call them.

Come here, baby.

Come here, baby.

Verdell' What's wrong?

You miss the tough guy?

[ Imitating Melvin ] Well, here I am, sweetheart.

Happy to see me, you little pissant mop?

How bout another ride down the chute?

Oh, God. I'm sorry. I did not mean that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Simon? I didn't mean that, sweetheart.

Simon! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'll be able to keep my apartment and the studio, won't I?

Uh—

Wow. Oh, my God. Wow.

Yes, you write more than everybody else. Yes, you make us a lot of money.

But I think it's more appropriate for you— Look. Look.

I need this. Just say, "Melvin, I'll try."

Okay? Hmm?

[ Mouthing Words ] Melvin, I'll try.

Thank you. That's good.

Now, on a pleasanter note, my son, he just got accepted to Brown.

My husband was dying.

Uh, yeah. Good. Nice. Uh, thrilled. Exciting, uh—

You don't have to wait with me.

I can't resist. You usually move through here so quickly,

and I just have 50 many questions I wanna ask you.

You have no idea what your work means to me.

What does it mean to you?

That somebody out there knows what it's like...

to be in here.

Oh, God. This is like a nightmare.

Oh, come on. Just a couple of questions. How hard is that?

How do you write women so well?

I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

[ Elevator Bell Rings ]

[ Children Chattering ]

M.D.

[ Woman ] What's wrong?

Mom! In here, Mrs. Connelly.

- What? What? - Hi.

- Please, what? Just tell me. - I'm Martin—

- What? Please, just tell me. - I'm Martin Bettes. Dr. Bettes.

Not your name! What are you telling me your name for? Where is he?

- He's in the bathroom. - Hey.

[Spencer] What's wrong? [ Carol ] Nothing.

Do you know there are doctors come to your house? No, I didn't.

So, what are you doing here? Well—

I didn't know that you had a secret admirer.

What? Oh, you met the gift.

He's good. I'm an expert on doctors,

Okay, Doctor.

My wife is Melvin Udall's publisher.

She said I was to take excellent care...

of this little guy because you are urgently needed back at work.

That's what she told me. What-What kind of work do you do?

- I'm a waitress. - In Manhattan.

[Woman] Dr. Bettes?

Uh, yeah, Terry— Excuse me.

Hi, I'm sorry it took so long. I don't know Brooklyn.

I couldn't find it either. Could you get this to the lab?

Tell 'em I need C.B.C,, differential, platelets, the whole thing. Okay.

And I want it back today. Ha! I'm sorry.

Did you say you're gonna get the results back today?

Sure. Let's sit down.

[Carol] These are the receipts, uh,

from all the prescriptions from the beginning of the year.

Don't forget the calendar. Yeah, yeah. And this is a calendar...

of days and how he felt and what he's been eating.

That's very good. How long has he had the problem?

Since forever. Six months old. Okay.

And have they done blood tests on him? Yeah.

Only in the emergency room, or when he was well? Emergency room only.

Okay, and how about skin testing for allergies?

No. No standard scratch test? They poke 'em with a needle.

No, I asked. They said my plan didn't cover it and that it wasn't necessary anyways.

- Why, should they have? - Well—

Fucking H.M.O. bastard pieces of shit! Carol.

- I'm sorry. - It's okay. Actually, I think that's their technical name.

[ Laughs ]

So, once the tests come back, is there someone...

in your office we should talk to to get the results, or, uh—

Um, me. My home number's on the card.

That's his home number.

[ Laughing Hysterically ]

[ Mouthing Words ]

- What? - It's your home—

Ha.

Uh, can we get you anything else?

- Do you want some water or some coffee? - No, thank you.

A couple of female slaves? [ Laughs ]

Mrs. Connelly, there's still a lot of tests I need to do,

a lot of things I have to find out here,

But look, whatever I find out,

I promise you at the very least from now on...

your son is gonna feel a great deal better, okay?

Doc.

[ Both Laugh ]

No— Um, fine. Okay. Okay, that's good.

That's good. [ Mumbling ]

So, listen, you gotta let me know about the additional costs.

- One way or another we'll— - Well, the costs are gonna be considerable, I'm afraid,

But don't worry. Mr. Udall wants to be billed.

That's wonderful.

[ Woman Crying ]

[ Simon ] Anyway, dear, thank you for everything, Nora.

Forgive my recent crankiness. I'll call when things get back on track, okay?

[ Grunting, Sniffling ]

Ah.

jHijole! Huh? What's wrong?

Who's gonna walk Verdell?

Oh, no!

No!

[ Sniffling ]

[ Low Groan ]

Is he dead yet? No.

Uh, would there be any way...

that you would be willing to walk his dog for him?

Absolutely.

You're a wonderful man.

2:00 would be a good time, and here is the key...

in case he is asleep.

Open his curtains for him...

so he can see God's beautiful work.

And he'll know that...

even things like this happen for the best.

Where did they teach you to talk like this?

In some Panama City sailor "wanna hump-hump" bar?

Or is this getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey?

Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here.

No, no! There is a seriously goofy man behind this!

You're not allowed to block out that fact! Do you really want...

to go back to emergency where those runt doctors keep telling us that they can't help?

This lets a crazy man into our lives. Let's not fight

You know how this will turn out. Come on!

You know how this will turn out.

This is not like stockings. It's not like a string of pearls.

You don't send this one back.

Right?

[Simon] No, I do. I understand.

All right, listen. I gotta go, okay?

No, okay.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

[Melvin] What a day. Come here, come here.

Hey, maybe I'll bring him some food by.

Thank you for walking him. [ Barking ]

[ Sniffling ] If you'll excuse me, I'm not feeling so well.

Yeah, this place smells like shit.

Go away.

What, this, uh— this cleaning lady doesn't—

Please, just leave!

What happened to your queer party friends?

Get outta here!

Nothing worse than having to feel this way in front of you.

Nellie, you're a disgrace to depression.

Rot in hell, Melvin.

No need to stop bein' a lady. Quit worryin'.

You'll be back on your knees in no time.

[ Grunts ]

- Whee-Whee-Whee. - [ Barks ]

Is this fun for you, hmm?

Well, you lucky devil, it just keeps gettin' better and better, doesn't it?

I'm losing my apartment, Melvin, and Frank, he wants me...

to beg my parents— who haven't called me— for help, and I won't.

And I- I don't want to paint anymore.

So, the life that I was trying for is over.

The life that I had is gone, and I'm feeling so damn sorry...

for myself that it's difficult to breathe.

It's high times for you, isn't it, Melvin?

The gay neighbor is terrified. Terrified!

[ Mumbles ]

I was just trying to give you a boost.

Lucky you, you're here for rock bottom.

You absolute horror of a human being.

[ Sighs Slowly ]

The one thing I'll do for you. l, uh, might cheer you up.

Get out.

You wanna know why that dog prefers me?

It's not affection. It's a trick.

I keep bacon in my pocket.

[ Barking ]

[ Laughing ] Oh, my gosh. Huh?

we'll both call him. You'll see. It's a... trick.

Okay?

Come here, Verdell.

Come here. Oop. Oop.

- Yo, yo. - Come on.

[Laughs] Come here.

Come here, baby. No.

It's okay. Come here. [ Grunts ]

[ Groans ]

[ Spits ] Just a stupid, stupid dog.

[Barks]

Could you leave now?

Please.

I don't get it. I don't get it.

[ Ticking ]

[ Thunderclap ]

[Man] Taxi! [ Traffic Whistle ]

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Whispering ] Oh, sorry.

[ TV Announcer ] Again with Nick at Nite's Classic TV Rewind.

[Buzzing ] On repeat viewing,

one begins to suspect that might not really be Major Healey in the phone booth after all.

- [ Coughing ] - Mr. Udall?

[ TV Announcer ] A second look at shows that are always worth a second look.

- Carol, the waitress? - Yes.

[TV Continues, Indistinct I

[ Gasps ]

Hi.

The doctors gave me your billing address. I'm sorry about the hour.

[ TV Announcer Continues ] Um— [ Chuckles ]

If you're, uh— [ Laughs ]

[ TV Switches Off ] Um, if you're, uh, worried about thanking me, uh—

That's not why I'm here.

Though you have no idea what it's like to have a real conversation...

with a doctor about Spencer.

Uh, note— Put it in a note.

[ Exhaling ]

Uh—

Oh. So, I have—

I have a hair dryer, uh—

Why did you do this for me?

So you'd come back to work and wait on me.

Do have some idea how strange that sounds?

Well, I mean— I'm worried you did this be—

Are you waiting for me to say something?

Look, uh,

I'll be at the restaurant tomorrow.

I don't think this can wait until tomorrow. I need to clear this up now.

Clear what up?

I'm not going to sleep with you.

I will never sleep with you. Never, ever.

Not ever.

well,

[ Clicks Tongue ] I'm sorry, but, um...

we don't open for the no-sex oaths until 9:00 a.m.

I'm not kidding.

Anything else?

Uh, just...

thank you.

So, you'll be at work tomorrow?

Yes.

[ Groaning, Shuffling ]

[ Grunts ]

"Never," she said. "Never," she says.

[ Groans ]

[Knocking ]

[ Chains Clanking ]

I took a chan— took a chance you were up.

Uh, I brought you some Chinese soup.

Uh, thanks.

[ Grunts, Inhales Sharply]

Boy.

I've never been this tired in my life.

I haven't been sleepin'.

I haven't been clear in my head...

or felt like myself.

I'm in trouble.

It's not just the tiredness.

Boy. It's sick. Nauseous.

Sleepy.

Where everything looks distorted,

and everything inside Just kind of aches...

and you can barely find the will to complain.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh.

I'm glad we did this.

Good talking to you.

[ Door Closing ]

You are not still writing that thank-you note?

I'm on the last page. How do you spell "conscience"?

[ Sighs ] C-O-N-S-C-I-E-N-C-E.

Look, I got Sean from the bakery to baby-sit so we could go out.

I still don't feel safe leaving Spencer with someone.

- Could you spell it again, please? - Spencer's okay.

You better start finding something else to do with your free time.

- Sean, are you hungry? - [Sean] Yeah.

[Beverly] All right. We got pizza!

Carol and I are going out.

Sausage, pepperoni, You wanna make this later for you and Spencer?

[Sean] Great. [ Sighs ] We are goin' out like people do.

If you can't feel good about this break...

and step out a little, then I—

I think you ought to have Mr. Udall send you over a psychiatrist.

I don't need one, 'cause I know what's really going on here!

I gotta finish this letter, or I'll go nuts.

- Carol— - This can't be right. "Con-science"?

Carol?

What?

[ Gasping ]

It's very weird now, not feeling that...

stupid panic thing inside me all the time.

Without that, I just start thinking about myself, and...

what good does that ever get anybody?

[ Sniffling ]

Today, on the bus, there was this adorable couple,

and I felt myself...

giving 'em a dirty look.

I just had no idea everything was—

[ Crying, Breathless ]

[ Gasping ]

Go ahead.

moving in the wrong direction...

away from a time when I remembered what it was like...

to have a man to anything.

Hold, fucking—

Sorry— No, it's okay.

hands with, for Christ sake!

And...

I felt almost...

r-really bad that Dr. Bettes is married.

[ Laughing ]

Which is probably why I make poor Spencer hug me more than he wants to.

[ Sniffles ]

The poor kid doesn't have enough problems.

He has to make up for his mom not getting any.

[ Exhales ]

Who needs these thoughts?

- So, what are you saying? That you're frustrated? - Leave me be!

[Knocks Table ] Why are you doing this? What is it you want?

I hope getting me thinking about everything that's wrong,

when all I want to dois not do that, has some purpose.

Really, Mom, what is it you want?

What?

I want us to go out.

Okay.

[Woman] Like spiral curls and barrel curls and everything like that.

[Man] I gotta go, Jimbo. I'll see ya. Take care, babe.

[ Man #2 ] Because I love you. [ Woman ] Oh.

[ Man #2 ] You know, it's got those big windows, and there's lots of light.

[ Man #3 ] Yeah, I don't know where my wife is.

[ Chattering Continues, Indistinct ]

Thank you. Now, I gotta send you a thank-you note.

[ Laughing ]

Oh, look, Evelyn's here, and her giant Joey.

[ Woman ] Beverly!

That's why you brought me here. That's really why you brought me here.

Well, you know, it's not even mine.

And this guy Simon seems to have enough on his mind.

But the dog did throw up twice last night and his spark is off.

Well, take him to the vet. I did.

They say his stomach's out of whack and they need him for a couple of days.

Well, do it. What d—

[Frank] Sorry. Excuse me.

Okay. Now, this is for later.

- What's this? - Um, it's a note.

- A note? - Yeah, it's a thank-you note.

Thank-you note? No, no, no.

- You can read it later. - No. No, thank you.

No. No, thank you. No, no, no, no.

No.

Thank you. Thank you.

She's nice.

Yeah. Real nice, huh?

Really nice.

Shouldn't that be a good thing, telling somebody, "No thanks required"?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Sure looks like it went over too. [ Laughs ]

I mean— look at you!

You're sure making the rounds. Simon says you brought him soup last night.

[ Continues Laughing ]

- What? - Look at you. You think I'm a mark.

You helped with the dog. Now, there's other things.

Hey, I'm as concerned about Simon as you are.

Concerned? It's not just financial assistance.

He's gotta get to Baltimore to ask his parents for money tomorrow.

Yeah, well, yeah.

I mean, if his parents are alive, they have to help. It's the rules.

Good. That's great. Let them help him. Absolutely.

Only, uh,

I got a high-maintenance selling painter coming through, so I'm out.

Can you drive him?

Think white and get serious.

Take my car, a convertible?

- [ Laughing ] - Do you drive?

Like the wind. But I'm not doin' it!

Gettin' loud, gettin' loud.

He wants me to take his car and his client to Baltimore.

I want your life for one minute, where my big problem is somebody offers me a free convertible...

so I can get out of this city.

- [Stomps Foot ] - Go ahead, girl.

[ Sighs ] Okay, I'll do it. Ill take him.

Yeah, get him ready, packed. Tomorrow morning, I'll take him. Okay. I'll take him. Fine.

Okay. Okay.

[ Exhales ] All right, I'll see you tomorrow. Let's not drag this out.

We don't enjoy one another that much.

If there is some mental health foundation that raises money...

for people like you, please be sure to let me know.

Last-word freak.

Bye-bye. Good luck, lady.

[ Woman ] Is he talking to me? So, anything else?

Yeah.

I'm gonna give my queer neighbor a lift to Baltimore.

Okay.

Hey.

What I did for you— It's working out?

What you did changed my life.

No, uh—

Uh, no thank-you note.

Well, part of what I said in this entire history of my life,

which you won't read, is that somehow...

you have done more for my mother, my son and me than anybody else ever has.

I'm just gonna read you this part of it.

"And that makes you the most important, surprising,

"generous person I ever met in my life,

"and that you're gonna be in our prayers,

our daily prayers, forever."

[ Low Sigh ] Lovely.

I also wrote one part— I'm just gonna say—

I wrote, "I'm sorry." I w—

I was talking about I was sorry when I got mad at you for-for—

when you came over, and you told my son that he oughta answer back.

So, I wrote that I was sorry about that and that I—

I wrote I was sorry for bustin' you on that and I'm sorry...

for bustin' in on you that night when I said I was never—

I was sorry. And I'm sorry for every time your food was cold,

and that you had to wait two seconds for a coffee filler.

And I'm sorry for never spotting right there at the table in the restaurant,

the human being that had it in him to do this thing for us.

I'll just— You know what, I'm just gonna start from the beginning.

[ Whispers ] Gee— "I have not been able...

"to express my gratefulness to you.

Even as I look at the word 'grateful' now, it doesn't begin to tell you what I feel."

Uh, that's—

I see it. Thank you.

Thank you.

[ Coughing ]

Now, I want you to do something for me.

I'm sorry, didn't I say, "What?"

I thought I said, "What?"

What?

I want you to go on this trip.

[ Laughs ] No, sir.

I can't do this without you.

I'm afraid he might pull the stiff one-eye on me.

I need you to chaperone. Separate everything but cars.

You said you liked convertibles. Now, I'm on the hook.

- I'm sorry, "the stiff one-eye"? - Two days.

I can't. I work. You get off when you want to.

My son. Bettes said he's doing fine.

- Melvin, I'd rather not. - What has that got to do with it?

- Funny, I thought it was a strong point. - Write a note. Ain't she sweet.

I need a hand, and where'd she go?

Are you saying accepting your help obligates me?

Is there any other way to see it?

No.

Here's a little suitcase...

shocked that it's being used.

[Banging]

[ Sighs ]

There's no way to pack for this trip.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

[ Telephone Ringing ]

Wo00-wo00.

[Ringing Continues]

[ Clears Throat ]

Hello?

You're still comin', aren't you? Yes.

Melvin, I would like to know exactly where we are going.

Um, just south of Baltimore, Maryland,

and, uh, I know what you're gonna say next.

I mean, I think I know.

I'm not— I'm not sure, but I think so.

There's no need for me to bring anything dressy?

I mean, I didn't know if we were gonna be eating...

in any restaurants that have dress codes?

Well, I, uh—

I mean, maybe, uh—

I mean, yes! Yes, let's.

Let's. Okay, got ya.

[ Exhales ]

What did you think I was gonna ask?

Whether crabs were in season there now.

Oh, okay, then.

Good night.

[ Barking, Distant ] [ Woman ] Anything unusual in the dog's diet?

No. Uh, everybody gets their own cage?

- Certainly. - Okay, put him in with that one, not that one.

Builds his confidence, huh? [Laughs I Okay.

Lip kiss.

Ah!

I love you. I'll miss you.

Hey! Real sensitive.

Bye.

Call me when you get settled.

[ Spencer ] Don't worry, Mom! Have a good time!

No, don't— don't run. Have fun! Don't worry!

Don't run. No, no. Have fun, but don't run.

Grandma will take care of me! Bye!

[ Laughs ]

[ Frank I Sorry I'm not taking you myself, Simon. [Simon ] So am I, Frank!

Give me a hug.

Everything's gonna be okay, all right? Yeah.

Soak it up. It's your last chance for a hug for a few days.

Hello?

Hi.

Hi. Thank you for being on time.

Hi. Oh, uh, oh—

Uh, Carol the waitress, Simon the fag.

Hello. Holy God, who did that to you?

Um, I was— I was attacked.

I walked in on some men robbing me and—

I-1 was hospitalized. I almost died.

Let's do the small talk in the car. Uh, let's go.

Come on. How are you, sir? Oh, I was gonna do that for you.

[Carol] It's all right. Where should we sit?

I, uh— Well, there's no place cards or anything. That's all right.

You need all the room you can manage. So, I'll sit in the back.

[ Sighs ]

[ Chuckles ]

Never a break. Never.

I'm sorry. Thank you for the seat. That was very thoughtful.

- Oh. - [Pats Simon's Arm ]

You look like you're crowded in there. Oh, it's all right.

[ Engine Rewving, Electronic Beeping ]

Thanks.

[ Beeping Continues, Electronic Whirring Noise ]

[ Noises Stop ]

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I've got the whole trip programmed.

♪ [Radio Blasts Out ] ♪ Y-M-C—

JW [ Switches Off ] [ Laughs ] I'm just kiddin'.

I wanted to see what you'd do. No, seriously.

We got good stuff here.

[ CD Player Clicking ]

♪ [ Smooth, Jazzy Beat ]

[Woman] ♪ Mm, mm, mm ♪

[Man] ♪ When it's not always rainin' ♪

♪ They'll be days like this ♪ Yeah

♪ When theres no one complainin' I like this music.

♪ They'll be days like this

♪ Everything falls into place I like this music.

♪ Like the flick of a switch ♪

♪ Well. my mama told me

♪ There'd be days like this J, ♪

♪ Well, I'm looking for my girl

♪ I wonder where where can she be)

♪ [Continues ] [ Carol ] Yes, I'm sure, Simon, they did something really off...

for you to feel this way, but when it comes to your parents or your kid,

something will always be off for you unless you set it straight.

And maybe this thing happened to you just to give you a chance to do that.

Nonsense, and you wanna know why?

Anybody here who's interested in what Melvin has to say raise their hand.

♪ We met a year ago in a place called Baltimore ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪

♪ Where did my girl go Do you want to know what happened with my parents?

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa Yes.

When I was a kid— Wait wait wait.

I'm gonna pull over, give you my full attention.

oo [Stops]

[ Simon ] Well, I always painted, and my mother always encouraged it.

I mean, she was really sort of— She was sort of fabulous about it actually.

And she used to—

You know, I was too young to think there was anything wrong with it,

and she was— she was very natural.

So she used to pose nude for me.

And I always thought— or guess I assumed— that my father knew about it

This stuff is pointless. Hey! Let him finish, please.

You like sad stories? You wanna hear mine? Stop.

Go ahead. Really, please don't let him stop you.

Um, one day he walked in. And he found us, and he just—

He started screaming— My father didn't come out of his room for 11 years,

He used to hit me on the hands with a yardstick if I made a mistake...

playing the piano.

Huh?

Go ahead, Simon.

So, you said he came in your room, and he was yelling?

Uh-huh. Please, come on.

Um, he was, um— Come on.

Yeah, I know— He was— I was—

I remember I was defending my mother, and I was trying to, you know,

make peace in the lamest way.

I said— I said, "She's not naked. It's art."

[ Laughs ]

And he started hitting me,

and he... beat me unconscious.

And he talked to me less and less after that.

I mean, he knew what I was before I did.

And the morning that I left for college,

he walked into my room.

And he held out his hand.

And it was filled with money.

A big... sweaty wad of money.

And he said, "I don't want you to ever come back."

And I just grabbed him, and I hugged him,

and he turned and walked out.

Hey, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you—

That's not true. Some of us have great stories,

pretty stories, that take place at lakes with boats...

and friends and noodle salad.

Just no one in this car. But a lot of people— that's their story.

Good times. Noodle salad.

What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed...

that so many others had it good.

- No, I don't think so. - Not it at all, really.

Not it at all, huh?

Okay.

Let's, uh, go to the hotel, and, uh,

tomorrow you'll see if you can get another big wad of sweaty money out of his hand.

[ Grunts ]

[ Suitcase Popping ] Can l ask you a personal question?

[ Laughing ] Sure.

You ever get an erection over a woman?

- Melvin— - I mean, wouldn't your life be easier if you weren't—

You consider your life easy?

All right. I give you that one.

[ Exhales ]

Nice packing.

Whoa.

[ Spencer Breathing Heavily On Telephone Line ] Hi.

Hey, Spence! Hey, Mom.

Wait till you hear.

Why are you out of breath? Mom, I ran over a guy and scored a goal.

You did? Yep, he was big. Charlie, you know!

That's great! Yep, amazing.

Oh, my God, right? Yeah.

Mom, we're playing again. Gotta go. No, no—

Bye. Wait, wait. Just tell me— [ Sighs ]

Uh!

[ Beverly ] He scored a goal. Mom, I don't believe it.

Oh, you would've died. [ Laughing ] Yeah.

My son was outside playing soccer.

Come on. Take me out for a good time.

- Take me out dancing. - Dancing?

[ Melvin Clears Throat ] I can't. I'm exhausted.

Oh, come on. No.

Please, come on. Oh, come on. No. No.

All right. All right. You're right. Yeah.

Are you sad or something? No. No, no.

I'm nervous.

It would be very rough, Carol, if you weren't along.

- What a nice compliment. - [ Chuckles ]

I'm happy.

And you're my date.

Let's get dressed,

Uh, um, uh—

I'm gonna jump in the shower. Okay!

I'll be right with you. Okay!

Uh—

[Shower Running]

[ Water Still Running ] [Melvin Whistling ]

[ Shower Stops ]

All set?

Yeah.

[ Man ] Mr. and Mrs.— [Melvin] Do you sell hard-shell crabs?

[Man #2] Yes. [Melvin] Do they sell hard-shells?

[Woman] yes. [ Melvin ] Do they?

[ Customers Chattering, Laughing ]

[ Melvin ] Do they sell hard-shells? [ Man #3 ] Yes.

[ Melvin ] Excuse. Thank you. JW [Lounge Singer, Indistinct ]

- Good evening. - Hi. You have hard-shells, right?

Stop asking everyone. Just him, That's all.

Okay, you can answer. We worked it out.

- Yes, we do. - Ah.

- Oh, and, uh, I can give you a tie and jacket. - What?

Oh, they require a tie and jacket, but we have some available.

♪ [Lounge Singer Continues, Indistinct I

Sir?

No, I'm not putting that on.

In case you were gonna ask, I'm also not going to let you inject me with the plague, either.

It's such a nice place. You probably have these dry-cleaned all the time, don't you?

Actually, I don't think so.

Uh, well—

you just, uh, wait here.

Excuse me. Thank you. Excuse me.

[Woman] Excuse me. Sorry.

[ Tires Squealing ]

Good evening.

Uh, I need a coat and tie. Well, come on in.

No.

No?

- Uh, that one. - This one?

That one, yeah, and this tie.

[ Patrons Chattering ]

Excuse me.

JW [Lounge Singer, Indistinct ]

She's here.

We saved a table for you. Oh, thanks.

Should I get her for you?

No, it's all right. I'll, uh— I'll just watch.

[Wo Lr man ♪

Mm-hmm. Can I buy you a drink?

Oh, this is plenty. No, thank you.

♪ Only thought was only in my dreams

♪ Only ♪

Only love

♪ It's mine only

♪ My only man

♪ My only love

♪ My only ♪

♪ Soon, every kiss of yours will be

♪ Mine, all mine ♪

- ♪ You for me ♪ - Ma'am?

Forever more ♪ Hmm? Oh.

Oh, wait.

♪ My only man My only one

- [ Mouthing Words ] - ♪ My only ♪

♪ My only man

♪ My only love

♪ My only ♪

♪ There was a time that life was good ♪

♪ But only by myself But the love I found with you There was no one else

♪ [Continues ] You look so se—

You look, uh, great.

You look great.

Only love My only ♪

♪ My only man

♪ My only love J,' You wanna dance?

Well, I've been thinking about that since you brought it up before.

- And? - No.

I don't get this place. They make me buy a new outfit,

and they let you in in a housedress.

I don't get it.

What? Wait, wait. No, wait. What?

Where you going? No, why? I mean, I-

Uh—-

I didn't mean it that way. I mean, you gotta sit down.

You can still give me the dirty look, just sit down and give it to me.

Pay me a compliment, Melvin. I need one. Quick.

You have no idea how much what you just said hurt my feelings.

The mono-minute someone gets that they need you, they threaten to walk out.

A compliment is something nice about somebody else.

- [Singer] This is a request from June— - Now or never.

Okay. Happy Anniversary.

[Audience Applauds, Cheers] ♪ [Starts Up, Indistinct ]

I mean it.

Can we order first?

Okay. Um-—

[ Shouting ] Two hard-shell crab dinners! Pitcher ice-cold beer!

- Uh, baked or fries? - [ Whispering ] Fries.

Fries.

Fries. One baked, one fried.

[ Waiter ] I'll tell your waiter!

My waiter. Okay, now.

I got a real great compliment for you, and it's true.

I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.

Don't be pessimistic. It's not your style.

Okay, here I go.

Clearly a mistake.

I've got this, what, ailment.

My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time,

he says that in 50 or 60 percent of the cases,

a pill really helps.

I hate pills.

Very dangerous thing, pills.

Hate. I'm using the word "hate" here about pills. Hate.

My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never—

- [ Groans ] - Um, all right.

Well, you were there. You-You know what you said.

Well, my compliment to you is,

the next morning I started taking the pills.

I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.

You make me want to be a better man.

That's maybe the best compliment of my life.

Well, maybe I overshot a little, because I was aiming...

at just enough to keep you from walking out.

[ Laughing ]

[ Exhales ]

How's it goin' with those pills?

Good, I hope, I hope, I hope. [ Chuckles ]

Well, it's, uh—

it's little by little.

It's— It's exhausting talking like this.

Exhausting.

[ Sighs, Groans ]

Do you ever let a romantic moment make you do something you know is stupid?

Never.

Here's the trouble with never.

[ Laughs ]

You don't owe me that.

That wasn't a payment.

When you first came into breakfast,

when I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.

Then, of course, you spoke.

So, now that your soft, little underbelly's all exposed,

tell me, why did you bring me here?

Why,

it's a—

a personal question.

Tell me, even if you're scared. Scared?

T-Tell me why you wanted me here.

It's okay.

If you ask me, I'll say yes.

Well, I-

I— 1 know, I—

There's a lot of reasons.

I thought, maybe if you had sex with Simon, maybe it would— What?

Well, it's— just one— It's one idea. That's why you brought me?

Like I'm a... what, and I owe you what?

I don't know why I brought you. I-I—-

It was just one thought that I had. It came out first. That was all there was to it.

I thought you kiss him— me— when you two seemed to hit it off.

Wait, no! Wait, wait. That's— Uh, I didn't mean—

Forget what I said about Simon. I'll never forget you said it.

It's a mistake.

It was a mistake.

[ Groans ]

[ Man On Answering Machine ] Hello, this is Fred Bishop— [ Woman ] And Betty.

Sorry to be unable to take your call. Please leave a message with all pertinent information.

Say "good-bye." Oh, good-bye.

And thank you. [ Machine Beeps ]

Uh, it-it, it's Simon.

I'm in town.

Hello?

Folks, you haven't been out later than 10:00 in your entire lives.

Please pick up the phone.

Really!

Okay, well, I'm gonna try you in the morning. I need to, uh, see you,

or at least get you to answer the phone.

How are ya?

Is this gonna be your room? Our room.

I don't wanna see him, and he's not gonna come knockin' on your door.

What happened?

Don't ask. Oh!

Can you not be so violent? I don't think so.

Do you need help— No!

I'm taking a big bath and ordering a big meal. Uh-huh.

I'm sorry. Are you okay?

[ Sighs ] Don't ask. I'm tired of my own complaints. I gotta get some new thoughts.

- Why? What are you thinking about? - How to die, mostly.

Can you believe in our little mix you're the "good" roommate?

[ Grunts ]

Good night. Good night

[ Groans ]

[ Water Running ]

[ Whispering ] Hold it.

[ Clicks Switch ]

- I have to draw you. - Huh?

I have to draw you.

No, no, no. Absolutely not. I'm a lot more shy than people think.

I give off the wrong impression— I have to.

- I haven't sketched anything in weeks. - Stop staring. Do a vase.

But you're beautiful, Carol.

Your skin, your long neck,

the back, the line of you—

You're why cavemen chiseled on walls.

[ Laughs ] All right, cut me a break.

[ Turns Water On ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Melvin ] The next thing I know, she's sittin' right there next to me, you know.

Well, it's not right to go into details, I got nervous.

l.. screwed up. I said the wrong thing.

[ Exhales ]

Where if I hadn't, I—

I could be in bed right now with a woman who if...

you make her laugh you got a life.

Instead, I'm here with you.

No offense, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.

[Groans]

Jameson, soda back.

[Laughing ]

I'm sorry. I don't care how you put this.

We're bein' naughty here, pal.

No, no, this is— this is great.

This is so great.

I swear to God, my hand won't even keep up.

Hold it. Hold it. I'm just turning.

But then hold that. Hold any of them. Okay, this?

It doesn't matter. I can't get over my hand's not even bothering me.

I can't— I just— I—

I can't get the angle with this— this cast.

Oh! Oh, careful! [ Panting, Screaming ]

- [ Chuckles ] - [ Laughs ]

[ Exhales ]

I'm comin' in. It's late.

Did you have sex with her?

Okay, so are you sure you don't want your shampoos or anything?

Sorry.

I didn't know she was still here.

Did you have sex with her? To hell with sex!

It was better than sex. We held each other.

What I need he gave me, great.

I'll get dressed in a hurry.

[ Chuckles ]

I just love her.

How you doin'?

[ Disgusted Sigh ]

[ Phone Ringing ] [ Woman ] Hello?

Mom? Hi. Hello, Simon.

[ Whispering ] You were right. We were home last night.

Do you have to whisper? I can barely hear you. I'm not a screamer. Look—

No, no, no, no. It was the luckiest thing for all of us you didn't answer.

Your father has not been feeling well. I can't hear you!

Hold on. Hold for what? What do you gotta do?

I get why you're angry with me, but it's no—

Shh! He's talking to his parents. Then you listen to me.

Truly, no grudges. Okay? Truly.

I mean, it was a little odd that you didn't come and see me when you heard I was hurt—

We almost did. I don't even wanna talk about it. I—

The important thing is that your son is happy. You do sound different.

Yes, I'm working again— Good. About money—

No, I don't need anything. Oh.

I'll drop you a line from wherever I land,

and then it's up to you to make the next move, and I hope you do.

Then he's gonna wanna stay. And they'll wanna take a ride to the lake or whatever—

Okay. Bye-bye. He's gonna feel stirred up.

Bye, dear. Bye, Mom.

So, we'll probably have a good five-hour drive.

It'll give us a chance to relax... So?

be together alone— I'm coming with you.

- What about your parents? - No, no, no. I'll take care of myself.

What are you talkin' about? You got real problems.

I know. I'm a little bit nervous.

Suddenly, everything seems so easy.

Carol, a load has been lifted.

[ Sighs ] One night with me. You think you're kidding.

[Door Closes ]

[ Melvin ] Aw, geez. No choice.

I got a gift for you. Nothing like no choice to make you feel at home.

Let me see.

Ahh. Gorgeous.

Do it then. And get the dog picked up. I can't believe you let it stay there.

Good-bye. Your luck's runnin'.

They sublet your place. You're homeless.

Frank's got a line on another place you can use for now.

Another place where? Does it matter?

No.

It doesn't

I'm fine. Like the hat?

- [ Laughs ] - [ Laughs ] I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Carol Laughs ]

♪ [Piano]

♪ love you ♪

♪ For sentimental reasons

I don't wanna hear that music right now.

What do you mean? You said you liked it. I don't.

♪ hope you do believe me This one has a meaning.

Well, it's your car, but I don't wanna hear it, if that means anything!

JW" [Volume Increases ]

♪ love you ♪

oo [Stops]

[Melvin] Yes, sir. All right.

Here's the, uh— Here's the keys to my apartment.

You— You go up there and wait, and I'm gonna take Carol home. Wait, uh—

Ill take a bus.

No, no, I'll take ya.

Can you, uh— Can you come here?

Look, I don't care what you did for me. II- What's wrong?

I don't think I wanna know you anymore.

All you do is make me feel bad about myself.

You have my number.

Let him take you home.

Don't want to.

I love you. Love you too.

Don't say anything.

Yeah, look, I gotta get a hold of Frank and see where I'm hangin' my hat.

Well, I think you're gonna have to camp it here.

What are you talking about? Oh, look. Wa-hoo!

Look at you, sweetheart. Look at you. Come here.

Look at you, sweetheart. Look at Verdell!

You feel like your old self again. I know the feeling.

Mommy and Daddy are home.

Sorry. You're just fun to mess with.

Okay.

They rented your place furnished.

Jackie said she was gonna bring your personal things.

They were gonna set you up in here. It's an extra room. I never use it.

It's got good light. No other choice really. [Barking ]

I'm comin'. I'm comin'.

Well, this is, uh, um, nice.

It's, uh— Looks good. They, uh—

They got your music,

paintings, paints,

I'd have to say they did a good job.

It's, uh—

You know, it's gonna be okay, huh?

Cozy, huh? Yeah.

[ Sighs ] Thank you, Melvin.

You overwhelm me.

[ Sighs ]

I love you.

I tell ya, buddy,

I'd be the luckiest guy alive if that did it for me.

Well, let's, uh, um—

Make yourself at home.

Anything else in the bag?

But I was playing soccer while you were away! I know.

I love my cookbook!

It's great. It's got all these wonderful recipes in here.

It says something with a shark. I never even fixed shark before.

Shark with a bite, would you like that, Spencer? No.

There's some cookies here called "Wasps' Nests."

[Melvin Groans]

[Simon ] Where is my big, hairy boy? Where is he?

Where is my beautiful boy? Sweetheart?

Oh! You're in bed.

No. No.

Yeah, um— Melvin.

I just didn't think Verdell should get too comfortable...

sleeping in here 'cause it's really not gonna— Well, look.

- The dog's already comfortable. - [Phone Ringing ]

Um, is this okay?

Huh?

Hello? Hi, it's me. Hi!

Yes! He took me in.

Yes. It's Carol for you.

- I basically fainted when I— I walked in and Jackie had— - Just take the dog.

Take the dog! I gotta go.

Just take the dog. Oh, come here.

That's right. Take him.

Come on. Move fast. [ Makes Kissing Sound ]

Don't limp. Move fast. Come on. Good luck.

[ Moans ]

[ Clears Throat Loudly ]

Hello?

Yeah. How you doin'?

Not so hot. Why? What's wrong?

I don't know whether I'm being sensible or hard on you.

Maybe both. Maybe.

See? Right there I don't know whether you're being cute Or Crazy now.

- Cute. - You don't have to answer everything I say!

Just listen to me, okay? Listen to me.

It's really something that you're looking after Simon.

And what I said on the street, that was a bad thing to say.

It made me sick to my stomach. It was a bad thing to say.

And I'd be lying if I didn't say I... enjoy your company.

But the truth is you do bother me enormously.

And I know that— think that it's—

I think that it's better for me to not have contact with you because you're not ready.

And you're a pretty old guy to not be ready, and I'm too old to ignore that!

But there were extraordinary kindnesses that did take place.

[ Chuckles ] So, anyway, thanks for the trip.

Good night. Good night.

Okay if I say somethin' now?

Go ahead.

I should've danced with you.

[ Grunts ]

Good night.

Good night.

[ Dial Tone Humming ]

[ Shouting ] Are you gonna talk to me or not?

- I'm coming. - [ Grumbling ]

[ Disgusted Groaning ]

What'd she say?

That I'm a great guy, extraordinary,

and she doesn't want contact with me!

I'm dyin' here.

Because... you love her.

No.

And you people are supposed to be sensitive and sharp?

Then you tell me why! You're the one who's "dying here."

- I don't know. Let me sleep on it. - Oh, come on!

- I'll figure it out. - Oh, please.

It's, uh— [ Stammering ]

I'm stuck. I can't get back to my own life.

She's evicted me from my life.

Did you really like it that much?

Well, it's better than this. Look, you.

I'm very intelligent. If you're gonna give me hope, you gotta do better than you're doing.

If you can't be at least mildly interesting, then shut the hell up!

I mean, I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!

Well, picking on me won't help!

Well, if that's true, I'm really in trouble.

But— Melvin, do, do you know where you're lucky?

You know who you want.

I would take your seat any day.

So, so, do something about it! [ Scoffs ]

Go over there, now, tonight! Don't sleep on it.

I mean, it's not always good to let things calm down.

You can do this, Melvin. You can do this.

You can. Pull the stops. Tell her how you feel. You can do this.

Hey, I'm, I'm, I'm charged here.

Yes, you are! She might kill me if I go over there.

Well, then get in your jammies and I'll read you a story!

I really think you have a chance here.

The best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.

So, go over there. Do this. Catch her off guard.

Okay. Okay.

Thanks a lot. Okay.

Here I go.

What's wrong?

- I forgot to lock the door. - Huh.

[ Doorbell Buzzing ]

[ Door Buzzer Sounding ] [ Gasps ]

- [Door Closes ] - [Groans ]

- What do you want, Melvin? - I'm sorry I woke you. Some other time—

I wasn't asleep.

What a break.

Is it a secret what you're doing here?

[ Sighs ] I had to see you.

Because?

[ Sighs ] It relaxes me. [ Chuckles ]

I'd feel better sitting outside your apartment on the curb...

than any other place I can think of or imagine.

No, no, wait. That's— That's overstating.

I'd rather be sitting inside on the steps,

'cause I don't wanna get my feet in the gutter.

What would that serve? Stop it!

Why can't I just have a normal boyfriend? Why?

Just a regular boyfriend who doesn't go nuts on me?

Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.

Uh—

Oh, I'm, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to interrupt.

Boyfriend.

Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you.

Maybe we could live without the wisecracks.

Maybe we could.

It feels a little confined in here. Let's take a walk.

See, it's 4:00 in the morning. A walk sounds a little screwy to me,

if you don't mind.

Well, if you need an excuse, uh,

there's a bakery on the corner.

We got a good shot it'll be open soon. That way we're not screwy.

Just... two people that like warm rolls.

Okay.

Joo [ Melvin Humming ]

What are you doing?

I still want you to hear part of that car song.

You don't have to. ♪ [Resumes]

oo [ Whistling ]

♪ And darling I'm never lonely ♪

♪ Whenever you're in sight gt

Thank you. [ Chuckles ]

You know, I was hop—

I'm sorry. Whatever this is is not gonna work.

[ Muttering ] I'm feeling— What?

I've been feel—

I'm feeling better, Carol. Melvin.

Even though it may seem that way now,

you don't know me all that well.

I'm not the answer for you.

Hey, I've got a great compliment for you.

You-— You know what. I— I—

Ju-ju-ju-ju-ju— Just let me— let me talk.

Just—

I might be the only person on the face of the Earth...

that knows you're the greatest woman on Earth.

I might be the only one... [ Chuckles ]

who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do.

And how you are with Spencer— Spence.

And in every single thought that you have...

and how you say what you mean and how you almost always mean something...

that's all about being straight and good.

And I- I think most people miss that about you.

And I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food...

and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive.

And the fact that! get it..

makes me feel good...

about me.

[ Chuckles ]

Is that something that's bad for you to be around— for you?

No.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm gonna grab you.

[ Laughing ]

I didn't mean for that to be a question. I'm gonna grab you.

I know I can do better than that.

Oh, Mel—

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

Better. Definitely better.

[ Chuckling ]

See?

Oh! What's this?

Warm rolls. [ Chuckles ]

Scusatemi, [ Both ] Excuse us.

[ Melvi Ahh! n

[Man] ♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ Some things in life are bad They can really make you mad

♪ Other things just make you swear and curse

♪ When you're chewing on life's gristle ♪

♪ Don't grumble Give a whistle

♪ This'll help things turn out for the best

♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ Always look on the right side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ If life seems jolly rotten There's something you've forgotten

♪ And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing ♪

♪ When you're feeling in the dumps Don't be silly chumps

♪ Just purse your lips and whistle That's the thing ♪

♪ So always look on the bright side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ Life's a counterfeit when you look at it

♪ Life's a laugh and death's the joke It's true ♪

♪ You see, it's all a show Keep them laughing as you go

♪ Just remember the last laugh is on you

[Men's Chorus ] ♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ Always look on the right side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ Always look on the right side of life ♪

♪ [Whistling ]

♪ [Ends]

[Man] J! think of you every morning

Dream of you every night

♪ Darling, I'm never lonely

♪ Whenever you are in sight ♪