Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Telling you: 36-24-36.

JOE: No, not 36, 37.

What--? Where do you get 37? Thirty-seven.

No, it's 37-24-34. In your dreams.

Look, Brian, I am never wrong about these things.

I'm telling you, it's wrong. No--

You know, this is really unbelievable.

You'd think you two would have something better to do

than sit around speculating on my measurements.

So juvenile.

It just so happens that, uh...

we were trying to remember

the combination of this padlock.

Bet somebody feels pretty foolish right now.

( snickers )

I'm sorry.

I thought you were-- Sorry.

Quick thinking with that padlock.

Well...

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, good morning, Roy.

Maybe to you it is.

I came down with a cold last night.

I'm sick as a dog.

Oh, well, by all means,

why don't you sit here

next to me and my food?

Thanks. ( coughs )

I was up half the night sneezing my guts out.

Damn near brought the house down.

Oh, God, no. Not again.

( huffing ) Roy, be careful, please.

Roy.

( quietly ): Ah-choo.

( coughs )

What was that?

What the hell do you think it was?

It was a sneeze.

It was like a little baby sneeze.

Look, I happen to be a very sick man.

The last thing I need right now i--

Is you-- Is you--

Giving me grief about--

( quietly ): Ah-choo.

( laughs )

Oh.

( exhales ) Do it again.

Ah, morning all. ALL: Morning.

Hey, does anyone know where I can get a shotgun?

Uh, what kind? Double-barrel, pump-action, 12 gauge,

over and under?

What? Just because a woman my age takes up a hobby,

does it have to be knitting?

I shoot skeet.

How are you at squirrels?

I got an attic full of them.

Oh, you wouldn't shoot a poor, defenseless little squirrel?

Fay, these are not little, cute cartoon squirrels.

These are sick, demented little vermin

that have kept me up for the last three nights.

You haven't slept at all?

Oh. Not a wink.

Thought about calling an exterminator?

Ha! Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm gonna get 'em myself.

Poison, traps, whatever it takes.

This time, it's personal.

JOE: Morning.

Morning, Joe. Morning, Joe.

Hey, I, uh,

hate to start the day with bad news,

but did you all hear about Weeb Gilroy?

Oh, what did Nantucket's biggest kook do this time?

He died.

FAY: Oh.

This looks like Lowell moves up a notch.

So, what happened?

Apparently, he went in his sleep.

I mean, the guy was almost 90.

Who--? Who is this Weeb Gilroy?

Oh, he was a mechanic who worked here years ago.

I mean, he was a nice guy,

but he was a touch on the odd side.

Yeah, no kidding. Remember all those inventions of his?

My favorite was the Mexican jumping beanbag chair. Hm-hm.

Furniture that rearranges itself. Oh.

I wonder how Lowell's gonna take the news.

Right, 'cause Weeb was like a second father to him.

He taught him how to be a mechanic.

Did they ever finish, uh, putting that plane together?

I don't think they got it off the ground.

But they killed a lot of time working on it.

Yeah, it's gonna be rough on Lowell.

I wonder if he even knows.

( laughing )

Oh, that's a great one, Ernie.

I especially like the way you started it with, uh,

"Knock, knock."

Heh.

But they ought to come up with more of those.

Hey, Lowell? Yeah, Joe?

Uh, can we see you in my office?

I don't know.

Hang on a second.

Can you see me?

Stay in there, Lowell.

Lowell, uh, sit down.

We have to talk to you.

Whoa.

Sounds important.

Well, it is. Um...

you know, Lowell...

sometimes... in life,

things happen that, uh,

we're not really prepared for.

Wait a minute. Am I fired?

I thought we were a family around here.

Wh-- Where's the support group that we've established?

No, no, no. Lowell, Lowell, Lowell, Lowell. Calm down.

You're not fired, okay? Just listen. Um...

sometimes in life...

things happen to friends of ours--

Oh. Fay's fired.

No, Lowell. Uh,

this is about a friend of yours.

An old friend.

I know this isn't gonna be easy for you,

but we found out this morning

that Weeb Gilroy passed away.

No, he didn't.

Yeah, Lowell, he did. LOWELL: No, uh...

Weeb Gilroy's not dead.

Uh, you probably just saw him with his teeth out.

Aw. Weeb Gilroy dead.

Ah, that's a-- That's a pretty good one, huh?

I'll see you guys later.

( door closes ) Well, that went well.

Well, it's obvious he's in denial.

Yeah, that's right. Denial.

Uh, I remember that from college.

It's-- It's one of the five stages people go through

when they're coping with grief.

Over the next few months, he'll...

probably go through anger,

bargaining, depression,

and then, uh, finally,

acceptance.

I'm angry as hell at Weeb for dying.

But I'd trade anything to get him back.

God, what's the use? It's hopeless. He's gone.

But what are you gonna do?

Life goes on.

Some people go through it faster than others.

( upbeat theme playing )

( yawning ) Uh, this isn't what I ordered.

Well, is it close enough?

Well, I-- I ordered chicken. These are eggs.

Well, fine. I'll go sit on 'em.

( laughs )

Oh, Fay, I'm exhausted. Work with me, baby.

Work with me.

Uh, Helen, did the squirrels keep you up again?

Yes. It's been four nights in a row.

But not tonight.

I finally gave up, called the exterminators.

They're at my house right now.

Oh, they're not gonna kill

the poor little squirrels, are they?

No, Fay. They glue little felt circles

to the bottoms of their feet so you can't hear 'em running.

( laughs )

Joey, listen to this:

A priest, a rabbi and a guy wearing lederhosen

are all taking a trip together--

Brian, I've heard that joke about a million times.

Isn't it getting kind of stale?

I used to think so.

Lowell, are you okay?

Yeah. Uh, but I'm just having a hard time with this.

I-- I decided to write a eulogy for Weeb Gilroy.

Ah, that's a wonderful idea.

Yeah. Except it's not as easy as I thought it would be.

Hey, uh, do you guys know another word for "corpse"?

He's writing a eulogy for Weeb.

Oh. Oh, th-that's a good idea, Lowell.

Yeah, I-I thought it would be a nice way

to say goodbye.

You know, come to think of it,

you know, maybe the word "carcass"

isn't appropriate either.

Huh. You know,

there's just so much to say,

I-- I don't know exactly where to start.

FAY: Well, when you think about Weeb,

what's the first thing that comes to mind?

Waffles.

You know, Weeb ate more waffles than anyone I know.

What else?

Syrup.

Lowell, uh, I-- I would forget food.

Why don't you, um...?

Talk about that old plane that you guys used to work on.

Oh, that's a painful memory for me, Joe.

What do you mean? You guys loved doing that.

No, I was talking about the time

that Weeb dropped the engine hoist on my foot.

Boy, my-- My toes were fanned out

like an outfielder's mitt.

Listen, you know, there's not a lot of time,

and I gotta get right on this.

Good luck, Lowell. I'm sure you'll do fine.

Thanks.

( Joe sighs )

You guys ever think about what kind of funeral you want?

Oh, I have. Um, I wanna keep mine simple.

I'd like to be cremated

and have my ashes scattered right here in Nantucket.

Oh, a-a-and some should be scattered in Syracuse

where I grew up.

And a few in Hawaii

where I went on my honeymoon.

Um, then there's Paris.

My goodness, I'd better start eating more.

( chuckles ): There's not going to be enough of me to go around.

( snoring )

Do you hear that?

Yeah, what--? What is that?

I don't know. That noise, you hear it?

Yep, I hear that. What is that?

( snoring )

( sighs )

Helen. You were sleeping.

Then why'd you wake me up, Joe? Now.

Helen, Helen, you're not doing any good here.

Why don't you just go home and go to sleep?

Oh, no, I got so much work to do.

Oh, no, come on.

You're just stirring water here.

I'm gonna drive you home right now.

I-- I'll get your keys.

He doesn't know where my keys are.

I can't find your keys.

Oh, my God. A-are you okay?

I-- I'm sorry, Helen. Are you all right?

Whoo!

Wow.

That was scary. Whoo!

( laughing ) Are you all right?

For a second there I thought I was gonna faint.

Bong! ( laughing )

( slow theme playing )

So how's Helen doing?

Oh, the doctor's examining her now. But she'll be fine.

It is a shame, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. She could have been really hurt.

No, no, I mean it's a shame she works for herself.

Who's she gonna sue?

FAY: Oh-- So, Lowell,

how's your eulogy coming?

Oh. Not so great.

Uh, there's no need to be frustrated.

I thought of something that can help you.

I got out the eulogy I delivered

for my third husband George's funeral.

You still have this?

Oh, you know me. I don't lose anything...

except my husbands.

Uh, b-but, anyway, it went over like gangbusters,

and I thought if you just changed

all the "Georges" to "Weebs,"

you might be able to use it.

Well, okay. I mean, I-I'll try it.

"I'll miss...

Weeb."

"I'll miss his companionship,

"and I'll miss his laughter.

"I'll miss the naps

"Weeb and I used to take together.

I'll miss prettying myself up for Weeb."

Uh, uh, no. I-I don't think this is a very good idea.

No, no, Fay. If it is in his heart,

let the man speak.

You're as good as new.

Don't all those tears from before seem silly?

No, I thought she was really hurt,

and I was scared.

How do you feel, Helen? Fine. It was just a little bump.

Here's my phone number.

If you have any dizziness or nausea,

you be sure to call me now.

Well, don't you worry about hearing from me.

I've been awake for four days.

All I wanna do is just go home,

climb in my bed

and go to sleep. DOCTOR: Uh, actually, Helen,

that's the one thing you don't wanna do.

What?

You have a mild concussion.

There's a risk it could lead to something more serious.

So just to be safe,

I'll need you to stay awake at least for...

the next 18 hours.

Eighteen hours?

Well, then, I don't have a concussion.

Um, can't you give me something else?

Um, a fractured wrist?

I'll take an enlarged prostate.

If I could hand those out, I'd give you mine.

I have to stay awake another night?

( quavering ): Oh, Joe, he's a bad man.

( melancholy theme playing )

Oh, this is unbelievable.

I can't think.

I can't talk.

Come on, now. Come on. It's not that bad.

Yes.

I'm the tired I've "everest" been.

It's hard to argue with a statement like that.

Now, come on. You know what the doctor said.

You have got to stay awake. Now, it's only till 9 a.m.

We're both gonna be right here with you.

What time is it now?

Seven p.m.

Good night. Oh, no, no, no. No, you don't.

Okay, come on. Come on.

Let's get some circulation back in that little body.

That's a baby. That's a baby.

Let's do some deep-knee bends.

Hands on hips. Ready. And down.

That's it. And up.

One more. Down. And up.

Okay, on your own, kiddo. Come on.

Down...

Down.

And up. Up. Up.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Come on.

JOE: Come on. Come on, Helen.

You gotta get in the spirit of this.

We're gonna have fun. We're gonna play games.

Drink a lot of coffee.

You know, and for an extra-special treat...

we are gonna make s'mores.

Oh. God, I hate s'mores. Mm.

What do you mean? Nobody hates s'mores.

Uh-- Well, I do. You hate s'mores?

I'm sorry. I hate s'mores. Because it's like--

It's the dumbest name for a food in the world.

S'mores.

As in, "They're so delicious...

I'd like to have s'more."

All right? It's stupid.

In fact, that's what they should call them:

S'stupids.

Helen. Helen. Wake up.

Come on.

If you didn't want me to sleep,

why'd you give me these little pillows?

Hey, you guys.

Lowell, how's it going, man? Uh, pretty good.

I-- I think I finally found an angle

on the Weeb Gilroy eulogy.

Oh, great.

Uh, listen to it, tell me what you think.

All right. Ahem. All right.

"Weeb.

"Weeb Gilroy.

W is for the waffles

He ate every day.

E is for his elbow grease

Which never went away.

The other E is for every other Kind of grease

Caked below his nails.

B is for the butter

He put on his waff-ails.

I-I took a little liberty with that last part, you know.

But what do you think?

( snoring )

JOE: Helen.

Lowell, Lowell, Lowell. She's just tired.

No. I know it's not any good.

You know, I-- I gotta come up with something,

because Weeb's funeral is tomorrow morning.

I don't know. Yeah, maybe some fresh air will clear my head.

Hey. Hey. Hey, what's wrong?

Oh, I was just thinking about old Weeb

laid out at the mortuary...

his head resting on a satin pillow...

heading for eternal slumber.

( cries ): He's so lucky.

( melancholy theme playing )

Eh?

My turn. 12-10.

No. That was good. It was in. It was not in.

You blocked it with your tongue. It was in--

No, I did not. Come on, Helen. You saw--

Uh-- Uh--

She knows the rules.

Hey!

You were sleeping. HELEN: I was not.

( squirting )

What--? What is this for?!

That's for lying.

Won't you guys just let me sleep?

Please, I'll be fine.

Listen, it's 3:00. You got 6 hours to go.

You can do it. Come on.

Come on.

All right.

All right.

I guess I can.

But, you know... there's just no sense

in both of you staying awake.

I like it. It's fun.

But, Joe, you promised Lowell that you'd go to the funeral

with him in the morning.

So why don't you go to bed...

and Brian will watch me?

And if he gets drowsy, he'll come wake you up.

You think you can handle her?

What do I look like? Yeah. 'Course.

All right. Okay.

I'll be upstairs if you need me.

But, uh... if she tries anything...

don't be afraid to use this.

( scoffs )

Joe's funny, isn't he?

( snickers )

What are you talking about?

Heh. Well...you know how uptight he is.

Not like you, Brian.

You're the fun one.

All the girls say so.

They say, "Joe: uptight.

Brian: fun."

What are you doing, Helen?

Oh, nothing.

I'm just...being friendly.

Give me the gun, Brian.

You know I can't do that, Helen.

Oh, yes, you can.

Now you're in charge.

You know, you could even

let me sleep if you wanted to.

We could even sleep together.

Nobody would have to know.

We could go up to your room... Uh-huh.

...and just take our clothes off...

Uh-huh.

Ha!

All right.

Now I'm in charge, buddy.

I'm gonna go to sleep...

and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

Ah-ah.

Put 'em up.

Put 'em up, baby.

Joe, thank God you're here.

Oh, yeah, right. Like I'm gonna believe that.

Drop it. Damn.

All right, bright eyes. Sit down.

And no sleeping. I wanna see a lot of sudden moves.

( upbeat theme playing )

JOE: Brian!

What?!

Oh, God, where's Helen? Helen!

She's right here.

She tried to get in bed with me. ( scoffs )

Oh, like that's such a terrible offer.

Oh. I must have dozed off.

Well, just keep an eye on her.

I'm gonna wake Lowell up for the funeral.

All right.

Well...7:00.

We're in the homestretch. Only two hours to go, Helen.

Helen?

Helen?

( deep voice ): Helen's not here anymore.

Joe!

Have you seen Lowell?

Have you seen Helen?

Uh, he wasn't upstairs in his room.

His bed wasn't slept in.

Did he even come home last night?

Oh. I didn't see him.

Wow. I'd better get dressed, see if I can find him.

He's gotta be at that funeral in less than an hour.

Wait, 8 a.m.? Isn't that a little early for a funeral?

Well, they're having a memorial breakfast after the service.

Waffles.

( melancholy theme playing )

Lowell?

Lowell, are you in here?

Hey, Joe. Lowell...

what are you doing?

You're supposed to be at Weeb's funeral in 15 minutes.

Yeah.

I, uh, decided not to go.

But, uh-- But what about your eulogy?

Well, I couldn't come up with anything.

I mean, I'd--

You know, when you really care about somebody,

it's...hard to try and sum up their life

in just a paragraph or two.

Well, I'm sorry, buddy.

I know you wanted to do something special for him.

Well...actually, I sort of did.

Come on, I'll show you.

You know, I walked all over town

trying to figure out what to say, and...

then it finally hit me.

You know, maybe there was something that I could do.

Wow.

Oh, this is unbelievable. Weeb's plane.

Yeah.

I dragged it in here last night.

You know, Weeb always wanted

to see this thing run.

Well...he didn't get to, but...

well, it runs now.

It actually runs?

Yeah. I mean, you know,

it still coughs and sputters and...

makes all nature of ungodly noises.

But that's-- That's sort of fitting.

So did Weeb.

Yeah, I remember. Hm.

You know, Joe...

a lot of people thought that Weeb was crazy.

And...maybe he was, a little.

All I know is that...

he was always nice to me.

Lowell, this is really something.

You know...finishing his plane for him.

I-- I can't think of a more perfect tribute.

Guess there would be...

only one more thing

that would make it really special.

I just wish I knew how to fly.

Let's take her up.

All right.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh!

Finally.

( sighs )

( plane sputtering )

( plane zooming over )

( mellow piano theme playing )