Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS., INC.

THESE HEADPHONES ARE SOUNDING LOUSY.

OK.

OK, YOU GOT IT. YOU GOT IT.

WE'RE ALL SET UP HERE.

I DON'T HAVE THE CHARTS.

THEY DON'T HAVE THEME MUSIC.

MY NEPHEW HAD A SET OF THOSE BOOTS,

SCREWED UP HIS BACK.

YOU GOT THE RING?

YEAH. RIGHT HERE.

CARDS?

FACE DOWN.

CUPCAKE?

WHAT?

ON YOUR LIST!

NOT MY LIST!

I DON'T CARE WHOSE FAULT IT IS.

WE NEED A CUPCAKE.

WHY SHOULD I HAVE ONE?

WE NEED IT IN 20 SECONDS.

WHAT DO YOU NEED? CHOCOLATE?

I GOT A BAGEL. IT'S DINNER.

WHERE ARE THEY GOING TO STAND?

THEY'RE NOT STANDING.

IF THEY'RE GOING TO LOOK LIKE THEY'RE STANDING,

I CAN'T BE ON THE BIG ONE AND HOLD THE LITTLE ONE.

REMEMBER, HEAD UP, SHOULDERS DOWN.

NO, HEAD DOWN, SHOULDERS UP.

WHATEVER.

THE LESS WE LOOK LIKE FROGS,

THE BETTER FOR OUR CAREER.

I GOT A BAGEL!

AT LEAST IT'S ALLITERATIVE.

60 SECONDS. TRY IT AGAIN.

1, 2, 3, 4.

♪ DONNY'S IS IN THE BASEMENT MIXIN' UP THE MEDICINE ♪

♪ I'M ON THE PAVEMENT, I'M THINKING ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT ♪♪

THAT'S A GO. GET IN PLACE.

YOU'RE NOT TAPING UP THE WIRE?

THERE'S NO TIME.

GET THE HELL UP THERE!

YOU WANT MY HEAD TO EXPLODE.

TAPE THE WIRE!

IS THE COAT OK?

30 SECONDS!

TAPE THE WIRE!

IT'S DONE! GET UP THERE, MORON!

I'M GOING UP.

THAT'S STICKING STRAIGHT UP.

THANK YOU. MAKE SURE TELLER'S OK.

OK. TELLER.

OH, I'M SORRY.

WHAT? AND GET OUT OF SHOW BUSINESS?

15 SECONDS.

WHERE'S THE CUP? BILLY? BILLY? CUP.

10 SECONDS.

CUE CARDS! HOLD THEM STILL!

7, 6...

OK, WEEKEND LIVE IS BACK!

YOU'RE HEARING A BIT OF LAUGHTER IN THE STUDIO

BECAUSE MY NEXT GUESTS ARE COMEDIANS PENN & TELLER.

GOOD EVENING.

MY NAME IS PENN JILLETTE.

THIS IS MY PARTNER TELLER.

WE THINK BEING FUNNY IS NOT ENOUGH.

ENTERTAINERS SHOULD TRY TO HAVE

SOME REAL SKILLS.

OUR REAL SKILL IS MAGIC.

WE WILL PERFORM THE BEST MAGIC YOU'VE EVER SEEN,

SO AMAZING YOU MAY THINK

IT'S SOME HIGH-TECH ELECTRONIC TRICK.

TO PROVE TO YOU THAT YOU AT HOME

WILL SEE EXACTLY WHAT THE AUDIENCE

HERE IN THE STUDIO IS SEEING,

I'LL BE ASKING THE STUDIO AUDIENCE, "ARE WE LIVE?"

IF THERE ARE NO CAMERA EDITS,

BLUE SCREEN, OR SPECIAL VIDEO EFFECTS,

I'LL ASK THE AUDIENCE TO ANSWER, "YEAH!"

LET'S TRY IT.

EVERYTHING YOU'RE SEEING IS LIVE.

ARE WE LIVE?

YEAH!

YEAH!

MY PARTNER TELLER, IN HIS SPARE TIME,

IS THE WORLD'S GREATEST CARD MAGICIAN.

TELLER'S AMAZING RISING CARD.

WOO! CAN WE SEE THAT AGAIN, TELLER?

AND NOW, TELLER'S RISING CARDS.

ARE WE LIVE?

YEAH!

YEAH!

SEE IF YOU CAN SEE STRINGS OR WIRES

AS I PERFORM THE AMAZING BOUNCING BAGEL.

BOUNCES LIKE RUBBER

AND TASTES LIKE MOM USED TO MAKE.

HE'S EATING IT! LOOK!

ARE WE LIVE?

YEAH!

YEAH!

AND NOW FOR SOME SLEIGHT OF HAND.

WOULD YOU BRING THE CAMERA IN CLOSE FOR THIS?

NOW YOU SEE IT...

NOW YOU DON'T.

NO CAMERA EDITS.

JUST GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SLEIGHT OF HAND.

ARE WE LIVE?

YEAH!

YEAH!

EVERY MAGIC SHOW NEEDS LEVITATION OF A WOMAN,

WHICH WE, UNFORTUNATELY, CANNOT AFFORD.

WE DO HAVE OUR OWN BEAUTIFUL MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANT

HEATHER HENNING.

WATCH CLOSELY.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE YOUR EYES.

HOW DOES SHE DO IT?

HELIUM! THE DOLL IS FULL OF HELIUM!

THANK YOU, MS. HENNING. WE'LL CALL YOU.

ARE WE LIVE?

YEAH!

YEAH!

AND NOW, A CLASSIC OF MAGIC,

THE VANISHING CORDLESS DRILL.

[WHIR]

[WHIR]

MY NAME IS PENN JILLETTE.

THIS IS MY PARTNER TELLER.

WE ARE COMEDIANS AND THE WORLD'S BEST MAGICIANS.

ARE WE LIVE?

YEAH!

YEAH!

EH EH EGH...

YEAH!

PENN & TELLER, HUH?

THAT WAS SOMETHING.

YOU GUYS LOOK JUST AWFUL.

THANK YOU, BOB,

AND THAT'S A REALLY UGLY TIE.

AT LEAST IT DOESN'T MATCH MY FACE.

YOU WERE UP THERE A LOT LONGER THAN PEOPLE REALIZED.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN UNCOMFORTABLE.

IT'S OUR JOB.

TELLER, WERE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE?

IS HE OK?

WHO CARES?

YOU KNOW, PENN,

I WON'T EVEN ASK YOU ABOUT THE HAIR,

BUT WHAT'S WITH THE RED FINGERNAIL?

I SHOT A MAN FOR ASKING PERSONAL QUESTIONS.

SO, TELLER, WHAT'S THE STORY WITH YOU?

CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?

GOOD LUCK, BOB.

YOU GUYS ARE ON TOP OF THE WORLD,

PLAYING TRUMP'S CASINO--

IN ATLANTIC CITY TILL JUNE 25th.

YOU GOT YOUR PLUG IN.

WE'RE NOT HERE FOR YOUR LOOKS.

WHAT IS ALL THIS NONSENSE

ABOUT YOU EXPOSING PSYCHIC SURGERY?

WHAT EXACTLY IS PSYCHIC SURGERY?

CHEESY SLEIGHT OF HAND.

IF YOU LOSE FAITH IN MODERN MEDICINE,

A NIGHTCLUB MAGICIAN SQUIRTS SOME FAKE BLOOD

AND YOU'RE HEALED-- UNTIL YOU DIE.

A LOT OF PEOPLE BELIEVE IN IT.

BEST REASON I KNOW TO QUESTION SOMETHING.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN ANYTHING.

NEXT TIME WE'RE ON, WE'LL PULL TUMORS

OUT OF YOUR BAND LEADER'S STOMACH.

YOU GOT ANY TUMORS THERE?

IS THAT ALL RIGHT WITH YOU, STEVE?

IT'S YOUR SHOW.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

DO YOU HAVE A LIFE?

DO YOU ONLY DO CREEPY STUFF?

WHAT ABOUT FUN?

WE DON'T HAVE FUN. WE JUST WORK.

HERE'S OUR FUN.

THAT'S AWFUL. WE'VE GOT TO FIND YOU A HOBBY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE?

I WISH SOMEONE WERE TRYING TO KILL ME.

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

IT WOULD GIVE YOU FOCUS TO YOUR LIFE,

EXCITEMENT, JAMES BOND SECRET AGENT STUFF.

"I'D LOVE TO SEE THAT FILM,

"BUT PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO KILL ME.

"THAT WINDOW OVER THE SINK,

THERE MIGHT BE SNIPERS."

YOU WOULDN'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF.

I WISH SOMEONE WERE TRYING TO KILL ME.

OH!

WE'RE GOING TO BREAK FOR A COMMERCIAL NOW,

BUT LET THEM KNOW YOU'RE OK.

DON'T FORGET, WE'LL BE AT ONE OF TRUMP'S

MANY CASINOS IN ATLANTIC CITY

FOR THREE WEEKS STARTING THIS FRIDAY.

THANKS, BOB.

THANKS A LOT, GUYS. PENN & TELLER.

I AIN'T LIFTING THAT.

IT'S EMPTY.

WE'RE GOING TO PUT HIM IN IT.

MAY I TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY RELIGION?

INTERESTING YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT.

WE HAVE A RELIGION, TOO.

HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE YOU TO TALK ABOUT JESUS?

ABOUT 10 MINUTES.

MY PARTNER TELLER WILL DEMONSTRATE HIS RELIGION

WITH A FEW CARD TRICKS.

DOES HIS RELIGION HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH JESUS?

YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT TILL THE END

AND FIND OUT.

SORRY. I DON'T HAVE TIME.

WAIT! YOU SAID TELLER?

IS THAT RIGHT?

AS IN PENN & TELLER?

YOU HAVE THE HAIR AND FINGERNAIL.

YOU'RE PENN, RIGHT?

YES.

BANG! BANG!

PRETTY EXCITING, HUH?

DOES THAT MAKE YOUR EMPTY, GODLESS LIFE

MORE WORTH LIVING?

CARLOTTA, WHAT ARE THE EXACT DEMOGRAPHICS

OF WEEKEND LIVE?

THE FLIGHT'S NOT AT 12:50!

IT'S 12:15!

WE CAN MAKE IT! LET'S GO!

COME ON, TELLER! GO!

WHERE IS IT?

GATE 12-H.

THAT'S THE OTHER END OF THE TERMINAL!

LET'S GO THROUGH HERE! COME ON!

WE CAN MAKE IT! COME ON!

LET'S GO! LET'S GO!

COME ON.

GO. GO.

YOU OK, TELLER?

TICKETS?

SHE HAS THEM.

TAKE IT EASY, PENN. WE GOT TWO MINUTES.

JUST GET THE CARRY-ON STUFF.

[BUZZ]

SIR.

THAT'S ME?

THAT'S YOU.

KEYS? CARLOTTA CARRIES THE KEYS.

MY KNIFE? I KEEP IT BACKSTAGE.

[BUZZ]

WHAT THE HELL?

SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH YOUR FASCIST MACHINE!

[BUZZ]

MAYBE YOUR BOOTS.

THEY NEVER SET IT OFF BEFORE.

MY BELT?

[BUZZ]

THE MACHINE IS SHORTING OUT!

IT'S OUT OF ITS MIND!

UNPLUG IT!

YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE PLANE.

HAVE A PLATE IN YOUR HEAD?

NO! WANT ONE IN YOURS?

JOKE.

DO YOU HAVE A METAL BUCKLE ON YOUR VEST?

HOW DO THEY ALWAYS FIND ME?

[BUZZ]

I HATE THAT!

YOUR MACHINE'S HAYWIRE.

WE GOT A PLANE TO CATCH.

AH!

YOU TRY IT.

WATCH! WATCH!

HE'S WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES AS I AM!

IT'S THE SAME OUTFIT!

WE MATCH! WE'RE LIKE TWINS!

IS MY SHIRT METAL? TAKE THE SHIRT!

[BUZZ]

AAH!

HERE!

TAKE MY UNDERWEAR!

I WILL GO TO PHILADELPHIA NAKED!

HA HA HA!

DID HE TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF?

PENN!

WERE YOU DROPPING STUFF IN MY POCKET

AND THEN PULLING IT OUT

WHILE I WAS YELLING AT THE GUARD?

I DIDN'T NOTICE

BECAUSE I WAS YELLING AT AN INNOCENT WOMAN.

HA HA HA! THAT'S GREAT.

WHEN IS THE FLIGHT?

YOU HAVE HALF AN HOUR.

WE GOT YOU SOME TEA.

I'M GOING TO PUT MY TIE ON, STRAIGHTEN UP,

AND APOLOGIZE TO THE GUARD.

SHOULD I TIP HER?

I DON'T KNOW.

CARLOTTA, I WAS YELLING RIGHT IN HER FACE.

I'LL, UH...

I'LL BUY HER A MAGAZINE

AT THE GIFT SHOP.

HA HA! THAT'S GREAT.

NO HARD FEELINGS.

HA HA HA!

I WISH I COULD HAVE

STAYED TO SEE IT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS YOUR FINAL BOARDING CALL

FOR FLIGHT 78 TO PHILADELPHIA.

WE HAVE TWO MINUTES EXACTLY.

GET HIM OFF THE PHONE.

I'LL SEE YOU ON THE PLANE.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT COOKIE?

WHO GAVE IT TO YOU?

TELLER?

UH, TELLER?

YOU KNOW THAT THUMBCUFF ESCAPE

THAT YOU'RE WORKING ON?

WHEN YOU'RE PICKING THE LOCK,

YOUR ELBOWS GIVE YOU AWAY.

LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN, OK?

GIVE ME THE OTHER THUMB.

I'VE FILLED THE KEYHOLES WITH GLUE.

YOU'LL BE PREPARED IF WE GET A PSYCHO.

I'LL SEE YOU ON THE PLANE.

DON'T LET SECURITY SEE THE FAKE GUN.

NO HARD FEELINGS?

THAT MAN HAS A GUN.

THAT MAN STANDING RIGHT OVER THERE

HAS A GUN.

SLOWLY RAISE YOUR HANDS.

SLOW.

KEYS ARE AT THE METAL DETECTOR,

BUT A STEADY HAND WILL SAVE...

UH.

YOU GOT TO TAKE THE HELICOPTER?

I'LL PAY FOR HALF. NO HARD FEELINGS?

WEEKEND LIVE IS A YOUTH-ORIENTED SHOW.

THERE, PENN & TELLER DO MATERIAL

WITH SHOCK APPEAL.

THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT AT YOUR DINNER THEATER.

NO, NO, NO.

THE BAD ATTITUDE WAS JUST FOR THAT ONE SHOW.

THAT'S IN ADDITION TO THE GUARANTEE.

YOU PICK UP THE EXPENSES.

IF THERE'S A FRIDGE BACKSTAGE,

THEY LIKE COLA AND YOO-HOOS.

THANKS.

BY THE WAY, HOW IS LITTLE JOSHUA?

TELLER CAN'T WAIT TO TEACH HIM SOME NEW CARD TRICKS.

YEP.

SEE YOU NEXT MONTH.

THE "I WISH SOMEONE WERE TRYING TO KILL ME" BIT

ISN'T PLAYING IN THE MIDWEST.

LOCK IT?

TELLER'S GOT IT.

MY RIGHT HAND IS SPEEDING UP

THE 10 DEADLY POWER DRILLS.

MY LEFT HAND IS LOWERING

THE DRILL RACK ONTO TELLER.

YOU WITNESSED HIM BEING TIED TO THE TORTURE TABLE.

NOW WITNESS HIS SELF-LIBERATION.

LIKE THE GREAT HARRY HOUDINI,

TELLER COULD EXPAND THE MUSCLE OF HIS WRIST

WHILE HE WAS BEING TIED.

IT'S SIMPLE TO CONTRACT THOSE SAME MUSCLES

AND EXTRICATE HIS LEFT WRIST.

WITH THE LEFT HAND COMPLETELY FREE,

HE MUST UNTIE HIS ANKLES,

WHILE AVOIDING THE EVER-DESCENDING DRILLS

AS I CRANK THEM NOW TO 90% OF THEIR FULL VELOCITY.

HE FLIPS OFF BOTH HIS SHOES, FREEING HIS ANKLES.

NOW THE CHEST STRAP,

USED TO SUBDUE THE CRIMINALLY INSANE.

HE'S OUT OF IT FASTER THAN I SPEAK.

ONLY HIS RIGHT WRIST REMAINS.

HE HAS BOTH HANDS ELIMINATING THE ONE LAST KNOT

THAT BINDS HIM TO THE TABLE OF DEATH.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

NOW, YOUR GRACIOUS, THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE!

AAH!

UNH.

YOU HEARD ME SAYING

WHERE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME HE WAS STUCK?

I WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO COUNT.

WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS SAY ANYTHING?

HOW CLOSE WAS HE?

I DON'T THINK HE GOT OUT OF ANYTHING.

WHAT KIND OF KNOTS DID YOU TIE?

YOU TOLD US TO TIE HIM UP TIGHTLY.

YEAH, I GUESS.

WELL, IT'S KIND OF STUPID HOLDING THESE ROPES NOW.

WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

THANKS A LOT.

HE DIDN'T EVEN LOOSEN IT.

THANKS. OVER THERE.

UH, YOU, TOO. SIT DOWN.

OH, THANK YOU.

SORRY.

YOU WERE THE ONE THAT WANTED TO GET KILLED.

SHUT UP, YOU ASSHOLE.

WELL, YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME.

THAT'S THE SHOW.

I'M PENN JILLETTE.

THIS WAS MY PARTNER TELLER.

GOOD NIGHT.

MY PARTNER TELLER.

WHAT DO YOU AND TELLER

REALLY HATE ABOUT MAGIC?

TELLER COULD ANSWER BETTER THAN ME.

I THOUGHT TELLER WAS DEAD.

DON'T PATRONIZE ME.

I HAVE TO GET HIM OUT OF THE RIG.

CAN WE COME ALONG?

NO. ALTHOUGH WE'RE THE BAD BOYS OF MAGIC,

WE WOULD NEVER KNOWINGLY EXPOSE A REAL MAGIC PRINCIPLE.

THE LOCAL TV STATION WANTS TO KNOW

WHAT WE HATE ABOUT MAGIC.

CARLOTTA WANTS CHINESE FOOD.

IS THAT OK?

I'LL CLEAN UP THE TABLE.

YOU GO SHOW TV WHAT WE HATE ABOUT MAGIC.

PENN SAID YOU WOULD TELL US

WHAT YOU TWO HATE ABOUT MAGIC.

YOU GOING TO PUT UP WITH THAT?

NO! I MEAN, YEAH!

I CAN'T CLOCK A GUY FOR GIVING ME MONEY.

I WOULD.

JUST ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF THE PIG POWER STRUCTURE

THROWING WORTHLESS TRINKETS TO THE PROLETARIAT.

COMMIE BASTARD!

I'LL SHOW YOU DISTRIBUTION OF WEALTH!

THAT'S IT!

THAT'S MY MONEY YOU'RE THROWING!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HEY!

HEY!

AH, THE REVOLUTION!

STARTING IN THE MOST UNLIKELY OF PLACES!

TRUMP CASINO, ATLANTIC CITY!

WE'VE BEEN DOWNTRODDEN LONG ENOUGH!

WE WILL TAKE NO MORE MONEY FROM THE PIGS!

A WORKING-CLASS HERO IS SOMETHING TO BE!

ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

ATTICA! ATTICA!

IF YOU'D BEEN THERE, YOU WOULDN'T BE MAD.

IT WAS GREAT.

TELLER GOT PEOPLE THROWING MONEY AT EACH OTHER.

HE MADE $4.75.

AND YOU GOT THROWN OUT OF THE CASINO.

IT WAS A STUPID IDEA!

IT WAS TELLER'S IDEA.

TABLE FOR TWO?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

WHEN PEOPLE TALK A FOREIGN LANGUAGE,

YOU ALWAYS THINK THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HE WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU WERE

THE BIG YANKEE SON OF A HOOKER

THAT ASKED PEOPLE TO KILL HIM.

YES, I AM.

THE BIG YANKEE SON OF A HOOKER AND HIS GIRLFRIEND

WOULD LIKE A COUPLE OF COLAS.

ORDER ME SOMETHING EXOTIC

NOT MADE FROM A COW'S STOMACH.

THAT WAS GREAT.

PENN & TELLER ARE BREAKING INTO THE HISPANIC COMMUNITY.

THEY RECOGNIZE YOU AS THE CRAZY SON OF A BITCH

THAT ASKED PEOPLE TO KILL HIM.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

OH, VERY GOOD.

GRACIAS.

HOW DO YOU SAY "SON OF A HOOKER?"

HIJO DE PUTA.

NOW I CAN SAY "THANK YOU,"

"SON OF A BITCH,"

AND "THE DOG IS BIG AND BLACK."

I'M BECOMING A WORLD CITIZEN.

SO, WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR UNCLE?

HE'S REALLY SICK.

HE HAS AN ABDOMINAL TUMOR.

WILL HE BE OK?

THEY CAN CURE IT WITH SURGERY AND RADIATION,

BUT HE REFUSES TO GO INTO THE HOSPITAL.

HE WANTS A PSYCHIC SURGEON TO WORK ON HIM.

SO HE BOUGHT THE SCAM FROM RIPOFF MAGICIANS.

I WANT YOU TO CONVINCE HIM THEY'RE FAKE.

WHY DON'T YOU?

HE'S YOUR UNCLE.

GIVE HIM ARTICLES TO READ.

HE'S VERY WEALTHY.

I'D HATE TO SEE HIM

LOSE ALL HIS MONEY TO CHARLATANS.

I'M HIS CLOSEST RELATIVE.

IF WE CAN SAVE JUST ONE HUMAN LIFE--

ERNESTO HASN'T MET TELLER, HAS HE?

NO.

GOOD.

TELL HIM I'VE GOT A TUMOR, TOO,

AND THERE'S A BETTER PSYCHIC SURGEON

IN ATLANTIC CITY-- DR. TELLERO.

"TAY-ER-O."

"TAY-ER-O."

WHAT'S THIS?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

LOOKS GOOD.

AH, OW! OW!

OW! AH!

OH!

GROSS!

OH, MY GOODNESS!

WHOA, DOC! WHAT A RELIEF!

THANKS.

SEE? ALL BETTER.

EXACTLY WHAT KIND OF TUMOR THAT WAS?

UH, A VERY BAD ONE.

HE DOESN'T SPEAK ENGLISH OR SPANISH.

HE ONLY SPEAKS DE GAULLEIC.

YOU HAVE...

A VERY REMARKABLE GIFT!

NO.

WHAT?

YOU'RE JUST A PATIENT, PENN.

YEP.

THE PATIENT IS PENN,

AND THE DOCTOR IS MY PARTNER TELLER.

TELLER?

IS THIS A JOKE?

I CAN'T BELIEVE...

YOU WOULD JOKE ABOUT THIS.

IT'S NOT A JOKE, ERNESTO.

WE WANTED TO PROVE TO YOU

THAT PSYCHIC SURGEONS ARE FAKES.

WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE.

SEE THIS FINGER?

YOU AREN'T BORN WITH THAT.

YOU'VE GOT TO BUY IT.

IT'S FULL OF CHICKEN BLOOD AND GUTS.

WATCH.

DISGUSTING.

IF THAT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE ENOUGH BLOOD,

USE ONE OF THESE SPONGES.

THEY MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THERE'S A LOT MORE BLOOD.

STAY AWAY FROM THOSE PSYCHICS.

GET YOURSELF TO A REAL HOSPITAL.

I'LL TELL THAT BASTARD

WHERE HE CAN STICK HIS RUBBER FINGER.

SO, DAVE, TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO BE USING

SOME STANDARD HOUSEHOLD ITEMS.

WE HAVE DRAIN CLEANER--

A STAPLE UNDER THE LETTERMAN SINK--

AND A PIECE OF RAW CHICKEN.

GO AHEAD, TELLER.

MM-MMM.

ISN'T THAT A PRETTY THING, HUH?

YOU'VE SEEN WHAT A TEASPOON OF DRAIN CLEANER

DOES TO RAW CHICKEN--

TELLER, DON'T DO THAT!

DAVE, HOLD YOUR HAND OUT HERE.

HOLD YOUR HAND OUT HERE.

WE CAN COUNT ON DAVE TO BE FREAKED THERE.

HE'LL ALSO SAY SOMETHING FUNNY.

DON'T BE A WIMP, DAVE.

"I'M NOT A WIMP," OR FUNNY WORDS TO THAT EFFECT.

TELLER, MAN, IT AIN'T WORKING.

I CAN SEE THE TAB ON YOUR MOUTH.

YEAH. ARE YOU OK ON THIS?

WOULD YOU NOTICE THE PLASTIC?

NO, I'D BE WORRYING ABOUT MY HAND,

BUT THE CAMERA MIGHT NOTICE.

OK, LET'S GO FROM THERE.

HOLD YOUR HAND VERY STILL, DAVE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

HI, GUYS. WE'RE A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW.

LET'S KEEP GOING. THEY'LL GO AWAY.

NO, PENN, THEY'RE NOT LEAVING.

WHAT'S UP?

YOU MUST BE THE BIG ONE WITH THE HAIR.

IS HE THE ONE THAT DOESN'T TALK?

WHO'S SHE?

UH, YEAH, I'M THE BIG ONE WITH THE HAIR,

AND HE DOESN'T TALK RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE HIS MOUTH IS FULL OF DRAIN CLEANER.

THIS IS CARLOTTA.

SHE'S PRETENDING TO BE DAVID LETTERMAN.

SHE'S HISPANIC, AND SHE'S OUR FRIEND.

HOLA.

NOW IT'S MY TURN.

YOU HAVE THE SCORPION ON YOUR NECK.

HE'S THE FAT ONE. WHO IS THIS GENTLEMAN?

DID YOU BOZOS CONVINCE ERNESTO GARCIA

TO CANCEL HIS PSYCHIC SURGERY IN MANILA?

YEAH, BUT SOME CREDIT GOES TO THE FACT

THAT HE HAS A BRAIN.

MY BROTHER IS THE LEADING PSYCHIC SURGEON IN MANILA,

AND WE CAN'T HAVE SMART-ASS SCUM LIKE YOU

DEFAMING THE NAME OF A GREAT HEALER.

UH...BETTER TAKE THE DRAIN CLEANER OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

THIS IS, UH...

THIS IS GETTING SERIOUS.

HA HA HA!

YEAH, WE ARE SMART-ASS SCUM,

AND WE'RE VERY SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE

WE MAY HAVE CAUSED YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

WOULD YOU GUYS LIKE A BEVERAGE?

YOU'RE SPINELESS...

REPULSIVE...SLIMY...

YEAH. YEAH. VERY SLIMY.

HEY, THESE GUYS ARE WEAK.

THEY'RE OF NO CONSEQUENCE TO US.

NO WAY.

JESUS CHRIST! WHO IS THIS JERK?

DON'T BE TROUBLED. WE'LL BEAT HIM UP FOR YOU.

SO LONG, GUYS. KICK HIM!

HEY, WAIT. THESE GUYS ARE TROUBLE.

BETTER BRING THEM BACK TO THE DOCTOR.

DO WHAT YOU WANT TO THE GIRL, BUT LEAVE ME ALONE.

LET'S GO.

I WAS GOING TO RESCUE YOU LATER!

THE BOSS ISN'T INTERESTED IN THE GIRL.

NO, BUT I AM.

JUST MAKE SURE SHE TALKS TO NO ONE!

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

DOES SHE THINK SHE CAN GET AWAY

AND TALK TO THE POLICE?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?

Teller?

Are you here, Teller?

Now, what she probably meant when she nodded

was that we should just cooperate,

do what they want us to.

That must be what she meant.

Are you even here, Teller?

I trust, in this desperate, important situation,

with me blindfolded like this,

you'd say something, right?

Like some appropriate warning

if I were in immediate danger.

You do know I'm blindfolded,

and we're talking life or death here.

SO--SO TO YELL A COUPLE OF WORDS

WOULDN'T HURT YOUR IMAGE AT ALL.

WE SHOULD HAVE A UNIFIED STRATEGY.

YOUR NOT TALKING WHEN I CAN SEE YOU

IS IRRITATING AND TIRESOME,

BUT WITH ME BLINDFOLDED, IT'S EXASPERATING.

IF I WERE YOU AND BLINDFOLDED

WITH NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON,

I'D BE CHATTERING A BLUE STREAK.

OK. LET'S TRY THIS.

YOU WHISTLE ONCE FOR YES AND TWICE FOR NO.

TELLER?

ARE YOU HERE WITH ME?

ARE YOU BLINDFOLDED, TOO?

I KNOW YOU CAN WHISTLE.

I'VE HEARD YOU WHISTLE.

OH.

ARE THERE OTHER PEOPLE HERE?

ARE YOU GAGGED?

YOU DO KNOW I'M BLINDFOLDED, RIGHT?

IF YOU'RE GAGGED, TAP YOUR FINGERS.

ONCE AGAIN, ONCE FOR YES,

AND TWICE FOR NO.

TELLER?

DID YOU MAKE THAT CLANGING SOUND?

THAT WAS ONCE.

THAT MEANS YES.

NOW, IS THAT YES, YOU'RE HERE WITH ME,

OR YES, YOU'RE BLINDFOLDED,

OR YES, YOU'RE GAGGED?

I HATE YOU.

Oh, I see.

SO YOU TWO WISEACRES DO NOT BELIEVE

THAT I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MEDICINE?

DID HE CALL US WISEACRES?

I WILL NOW GIVE YOU PROOF

BY REMOVING TELLER'S LIVER.

SCALPEL.

UM...AHEM...

YO...UH...UH...

iHIJO DE PUTA!

SO, MR. HIJO DE PUTA, ARE YOU GOING TO SLIP

A PIG'S LIVER UNDER TELLER'S SHIRT?

ANY TWO-BIT FILIPINO CRUISE SHIP MAGICIAN

WITH A FAKE FINGER FULL OF PIG GUTS COULD DO THAT.

I THINK YOU WILL FIND

MY DEMONSTRATION QUITE CONVINCING.

OH, YEAH, HIJO DE PUTA?

IF YOU DON'T SHUT YOUR MOUTH,

I MAY HAVE TO DEMONSTRATE

TO YOUR LITTLE FRIEND

HOW TO REMOVE A LIVING LARYNX

WITH A PAIR OF RUSTY PLIERS!

NO PROBLEM. NO PROBLEM.

FORCEPS!

iHIJO DE PUTA!

THAT'S IT.

I WILL NOW LEAVE YOU

WITHOUT YOUR VOICE BOX!

ERRRR!

NO. THAT'S TOO GOOD FOR HIM.

I WANT TO HEAR HIM SCREAM!

LET'S CUT HIS STOMACH FIRST.

UH, SO, UH, YOU ORIGINALLY FROM THE PHILIPPINES?

YOUR ENGLISH IS VERY, VERY GOOD,

BUT YOU HAVE TROUBLE WITH YOUR Bs AND Vs.

LISTEN TO ME A LITTLE--

"I CAN'T REMEMBER IF I CRIED

"WHEN I READ ABOUT HIS WIDOWED BRIDE,

"BUT SOMETHING TOUCHED ME DEEP INSIDE

THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED."

HE'S CRAZY.

"BYE, BYE, MISS AMERICAN PIE.

DROVE MY CHEVY TO THE LEVEE--"

HEAR THOSE Vs?

IT'S NOT "CHEBY TO THE LEBEE,"

BUT "CHEVY TO THE LEVEE,

BUT THE LEVEE WAS DRY, AND STARTED SINGING"

♪ BYE, BYE, MISS AMERICAN PIE ♪♪

"AND THE JESTER SANG FOR THE KING AND QUEEN

"IN A COAT HE BORROWED FROM JAMES DEAN

"IN A VOICE WHICH CAME FROM YOU AND ME!

"JACK BE NIMBLE, JACK BE QUICK,

"JACK FLASH SAT ON A CANDLESTICK

'CAUSE FIRE IS THE DEVIL'S ONLY FRIEND!"

RAZOR.

EVERYBODY KNOWS JACK FLASH REFERS TO MICK JAGGER.

JUMPING JACK FLASH, WITH THE DEVIL-- IT'S ALL THERE.

BUT I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT THE JESTER WAS BOB DYLAN!

WHAT IS BOB DYLAN?

"THE OUTLOOK WASN'T BRILLIANT

"FOR THE MUDVILLE NINE THAT DAY.

THE SCORE STOOD 4-2--"

DOC, THIS ONE HAS A SURPRISE ENDING!

KNOCK, KNOCK!

KNOCK, KNOCK?

I NEVER BELIEVED THOSE LETTERS TO PENTHOUSE,

BUT I WAS FLYING INTO NEW YORK,

AND THERE WERE IDENTICAL TWIN BLOND STEWARDESSES!

EITHER ONE! JUST GO! GO! DO IT!

THEY WERE BOTH SITTING NAKED ON MY BED,

AND THEY WERE FONDLING EACH OTHER'S BREASTS,

AND SUDDENLY, THEY TOLD ME WHERE THEY'D HIDDEN

MILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF GOLD!

AAAAAAAH!

SURPRISE!

AAAGH.

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

THIS IS A GREAT JOKE.

I WENT ON TV AND SAID THAT I, UH,

WISH SOMEONE WERE TRYING TO KILL ME,

AND MY LITTLE BUDDY STAGED THIS FOR ME.

LET ME UP. I'D LIKE TO SHAKE HIS HAND.

JUST A COUPLE OF FAKE EYEBROWS,

AND YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE UNCLE ERNESTO.

YOU'RE GULLIBLE. I LIKE THAT.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN SICK.

COURSE NOT. I FEEL GREAT. I'M NOT SICK.

CARLOTTA SAID YOU LOVE THESE JOKES.

NO HARD FEELINGS.

YOU WERE IN ON THIS, TOO?

WHY DON'T YOU UNTIE MY ARMS?

I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU A HUG AND A KISS.

I WASN'T KIDDING.

THOSE TWIN FLIGHT ATTENDANTS WERE TERRIFIC!

YUM!

OK, OK. COME ON, COME ON.

YOU GUYS READY TO EAT?

TELLER WANTS CHINESE FOOD.

THAT COOL WITH YOU?

LET'S GO.

WE GOT TO SEE THIS SHOW AT CAESARS.

THIS COMIC DOES THIS BIT ON SHIRLEY MacLAINE.

HE'S TALKING ABOUT WHAT A NUT SHE IS

AND HOW SHE HAS THESE UNCANNY, CREEPY FEELINGS--

[GUNSHOT]

OW! AAH! GOD!

OH, GOD!

AAH! AH. AH.

YOU STICKING YOUR FINGER IN

TO SEE HOW DEEP IT IS?

THE SHOT CAME FROM UP THERE.

I'LL STAY HERE COWERING AND SCREAMING.

HEY, GO BE A HERO.

OW. AH.

GOT YOU IN THE ARM, HUH? YOU WERE LUCKY.

NO, I'M NOT LUCKY. I GOT SHOT.

GETTING SHOT IS NOT LUCKY.

LUCKY IS WINNING THE LOTTERY.

WITH THAT HAIR AND THAT FINGERNAIL,

AREN'T YOU THE GUY THAT GOES ON TV

AND ASKS PEOPLE TO TRY TO KILL HIM?

I DIDN'T ASK PEOPLE TO KILL ME.

I SAID I WISHED SOMEONE WERE TRYING TO KILL ME.

YOU SAID THAT ON NATIONAL TV?

WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

I'D LIKE TO BLOW YOUR FUCKING BRAINS OUT.

YOU'RE LUCKY I DON'T HAVE A GUN.

YUP, I'M THE LUCKIEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

MR. LUCKY JUST GOT SHOT.

IT'S PROBABLY ALL FOR THE BEST.

MAYBE NOW YOU'LL THINK TWICE

ABOUT SAYING STUPID SHIT ON TV.

IF I HAD A GUN, I'D BLOW YOUR ASS OFF RIGHT NOW!

SHUT UP! JESUS!

OW!

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

SHUT UP!

DID YOU PAY OFF YOUR SICK FRIEND WITH THE GUN?

YOU WERE TOO ANXIOUS TO RUN AFTER HIM.

YOU'RE NOT THAT BRAVE.

THAT'S WHERE YOUR LITTLE JOKE FELL APART.

PENN, SHUT UP!

YOU SHUT UP, TOO! YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!

THIS IS SERIOUS!

YOU'VE CROSSED FROM PLEASANT ECCENTRICS

TO DANGEROUS PSYCHOPATHS.

I'M TAKING YOU ON A ROMANTIC RIDE TO THE HOSPITAL.

GO LAUGH ALONE AT YOUR LAST PRACTICAL JOKE!

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! GET AWAY FROM US!

HOW MUCH LONGER AM I GOING TO FOLLOW THIS GUY?

YOU TIED ME TO AN OPERATING TABLE,

FORCED UNCLE ERNESTO TO GO AT MY THROAT.

THAT WAS FUNNY.

BUT NOW I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE ARM.

ONLY A SICK INDIVIDUAL WOULD FIND THAT FUNNY.

CARLOTTA'S RIGHT ABOUT YOU, MAN.

YOU'RE ARE TURNING INTO A GOD DAMN PSYCHO.

SHE'S REALLY MAD AT YOU.

SHE WON'T TALK TO YOU TILL YOU APOLOGIZE.

[BANG]

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MY LITTLE FRIEND--

THAT BETTER HAVE BEEN A BLANK POWDER CHARGE

OVER BY THE WINDOW AND A SQUIB BEHIND THAT MIRROR

BECAUSE IF YOU HIRED SOMEONE TO FIRE A REAL GUN,

I DON'T THINK THAT'S FUNNY.

ACTUALLY, A BLANK AND A SQUIB

IS ONLY MILDLY FUNNY.

THIS IS NOT A KNEE-SLAPPER.

THIS IS THE END OF THE JOKE.

MY ARM IS SORE,

SO WHY DON'T YOU SWEEP UP THIS GLASS,

O COMEDY KING.

I'M GOING TO TELL CARLOTTA ABOUT THE SQUIB.

SHE'LL TALK TO YOU WHEN IT'S CHILLY IN HELL.

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SHE'S ENJOYING YOUR JOKES.

[BANG]

AAH!

OH! HA HA HA!

IT ISN'T YOU, IS IT?

MEMOIRS OF THE HUNTED, PAGE 3.

SOON, 150 PUSHUPS A DAY.

EVERY STRANGER A POTENTIAL...

ASSASSIN.

I'M SMOKING TOO MUCH

AND DRINKING MUCH TOO MUCH...

COLA.

AHH.

I MUST STAY ALERT.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[RHYTHMIC KNOCKING]

WERE YOU FOLLOWED?

MEMOIRS OF THE HUNTED, PAGE 4.

I'M RUNNING A FEVER ALL THE TIME.

EVERY CELL OF MY BODY

LONGS TO LIVE ITS FINAL MOMENTS TO THE FULLEST.

I NEVER NOTICED HOW BEAUTIFUL

THE BLUE LINES ON A YELLOW LEGAL PAD ARE.

I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN SO LONG

THAT I'M...

UH.

REALLY TIRED.

DEATH ROW, MAIN STREET--

IT'S ALL THE SAME TO ME NOW.

I HAVE ENTERED A DIFFERENT WORLD,

A WORLD OF JUNKIES, BUGGERS,

PROSTITUTES, HUNTERS, AND ME--THE HUNTED.

SHUFFLING OFF THIS MORTAL COIL IS LONELY.

I WILL DIE ALONE,

EVEN THOUGH FATS IS HERE WITH ME.

I'M JUST CALLING YOU FATS

SO THEY DON'T KNOW IT'S YOU.

I DON'T WANT YOU STIFFED, TOO.

MEMOIRS OF THE HUNTED, PAGE 211.

I'M BEGINNING TO KNOW MY MURDERER

LIKE I KNOW MYSELF,

BUT I DON'T FEEL HATE--

NOT FOR HIM.

THE HATE I FEEL IS FOR THE DO-GOODERS,

LIKE THAT DO-GOODER THAT CALLED THE COPS.

WE DON'T NEED SOME FLATFOOT.

WHY CAN'T THEY LEAVE FATS AND ME ALONE

TO VANQUISH THE DRAGON OF OUR VANISHED DREAMS?

ANY MORE COCOA PUFFS?

WHERE ARE THE GOD DAMN POLICE?

WE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED

THREE TIMES OVER BY NOW.

THE COP...

WAS A GOODY TWO SHOES, ALL RIGHT.

HE HAD...

ONE OF THOSE FACES...

LIKE THE INSIDE OF A PORK SAUSAGE

AFTER YOU INJECT IT WITH WATER

FROM A HYPODERMIC NEEDLE--

ALL FULL OF BOURGEOIS LOYALTY.

HE WAS GOING TO BE A BIG HELP.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

ARE YOU PENN?

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT, PENN.

NOW YOU'RE REALLY IN TROUBLE.

CALL THE POLICE STATION.

SO THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO DO IN MY ARCH NEMESIS--

HER OWN DESIRE TO BE PUNISHED.

WHAT?

I'M OFFICER McNAMARA, 37th PRECINCT.

YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE THAT ASKED PEOPLE TO KILL HIM,

AND THIS WIMP IS SOME PATHETIC PSYCHO

TRYING TO CARRY OUT YOUR WISH.

THE PATHETIC PSYCHO IS MY PARTNER TELLER.

HE WASN'T TRYING TO KILL ME.

HE WAS TRYING TO PROTECT ME.

THIS IS GREAT.

I THOUGHT THEY'D SEND SOME FAT GUY WHO ATE DOUGHNUTS.

KEEP YOUR HAND ON YOUR GOD DAMN GUN.

KEEP IT ON THE GUN.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE A PROFESSIONAL.

WHY ARE WE WALKING?

[SCREECHING TIRES]

SO WHAT IS IT, THE SLAMMER FOR ME?

NO TELLING HOW FAR THIS WACKO WILL GO.

THE P.D. CANNOT AFFORD TO PUT EVERY ASSHOLE

THAT WANTS TO GET KILLED IN MAXIMUM SECURITY.

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO GO TO PRISON.

YOU DO ONE THING ILLEGAL,

I'LL BLOW YOUR FACE ALL OVER THE UPHOLSTERY.

OK, IF YOU'RE NOT TAKING ME TO PRISON,

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?

MY PLACE.

YOU'LL BE SAFE THERE.

WHERE IS YOUR PLACE?

TELLER, GET THE BAGS, HUH?

YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP ME ON A BOAT?

OK!

WELL, HERE WE ARE.

HOME SWEET HOME.

HOW LONG WILL WE BE HERE?

TILL WE CATCH THAT CREEP.

MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.

WOULD YOU LIKE A COLA?

YEAH, THANKS.

YOU GOT A YOO-HOO FOR TELLER?

YEAH, IN THE FRIDGE. HELP YOURSELF.

YOU LIKE THE VELVET UNDERGROUND?

YEAH. LOVE THEM.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

THEY'RE THE BEST.

I HAD SUCH A CRUSH ON NICO.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A SUCKER

FOR CLASSY EUROTRASH IN SUNGLASSES.

♪ YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR STEP... ♪

I DON'T WEAR THEM TO LOOK LIKE THE HIGHWAY PATROL.

YOU LOOK SO MUCH LESS LIKE A COP.

♪ IT'S TRUE ♪

OH, DON'T WORRY.

♪ IT'S NOT HARD TO REALIZE ♪

YOU'RE STILL IN GOOD HANDS.

♪ JUST LOOK INTO HER FALSE-COLORED EYES ♪

♪ SHE'LL BUILD YOU UP ♪

♪ TO JUST PUT YOU DOWN... ♪

WE GOT SOME TIME TO KILL.

♪ 'CAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS... ♪

WITH THE VELVETS PLAYING,

I LIKE TO WATCH THE THREE STOOGES.

OH, I LOVE THE STOOGES.

REALLY?

MOST WOMEN DON'T.

MOST WOMEN I'VE MET JUST THINK THEY'RE STUPID.

OH, I DON'T THINK THEY'RE STUPID.

I THINK THEY'RE SEXY.

VELVET UNDERGROUND,

THE THREE STOOGES, COLA BEVERAGE--I'M SET.

♪ SHE'S GOING TO SMILE ♪

♪ TO MAKE YOU FROWN ♪

♪ WHAT A CLOWN ♪

♪ LOOK AT HER, SHE'S ON THE STREET ♪

♪ BEFORE YOU START, YOU'RE ALREADY BEAT ♪

♪ SHE'S GOING TO PLAY YOU FOR A FOOL... ♪

TELLER.

NO ONE'S TRYING TO KILL YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO THE HOTEL

AND SEE IF WE LEFT ANYTHING THERE.

TAKE THE CAR. WE DON'T NEED IT.

YEAH. SEE A MOVIE OR SOMETHING.

GIVE A CALL BEFORE YOU COME BACK.

JUST SO WE DON'T THINK YOU'RE THE BAD GUY.

WOULDN'T WANT MY PARTNER GETTING SHOT ACCIDENTALLY.

♪ 'CAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS ♪

♪ SHE'S A FEMME FATALE ♪

[MUSIC FROM TELEVISION]

♪ SHE'S A FEMME FATALE ♪♪

IS, UH...

IS THIS THE ONE WHERE THEY'RE PLUMBERS?

I'M PERSONALLY A JOE BESSER FAN.

[BELLS JINGLE]

[POLICE RADIO]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

[RING]

[POLICE RADIO]

[AH-CHOO!]

[AH-CHOO!]

[AH-CHOO!]

TURN AROUND, MOTHERFUCKER.

DON'T SAY A WORD, OK?

GIVE US YOUR MONEY, ASSHOLE.

YOUR MONEY.

YOUR MONEY. COME ON, MAN.

HEY, IT'S NOT A FUCKING MENSA TEST, ALL RIGHT?

JUST GRAB THE MONEY, AND GIVE IT TO US.

MAYBE HE CAN'T FIND HIS MONEY.

MAYBE HE NEEDS A LITTLE HELP, HUH?

NEED SOME HELP?

WHAT?

WE AIN'T GOT ALL FUCKING NIGHT!

JUST GIVE US THE FUCKING MONEY!

GIVE US THE FUCKING MONEY, OK?

NOW! DO IT!

TAKE IT EASY.

OK.

YOU FUCK.

POW.

POW.

[BANGING]

I'M GLAD YOU SHOWED UP.

PUT ON A TANK.

I'LL SHOW YOU A NEW BIT.

I'M SAWING TELLER IN HALF UNDERWATER.

DOESN'T THE BLOOD LOOK COOL?

IT'S TELLER'S SAME FORMULA.

I ALSO CUT AND RESTORE HIS AIR HOSE.

SHOW'S OVER, GUYS. WE GOT OUR MAN.

ARE YOU SURE?

YES, I'M SURE.

I TOOK HIM IN MYSELF.

WE WANT PROOF.

WE DON'T DO THAT

HEAD-ON-THE-PLATTER THING ANYMORE.

IT'S THE GUY IN THE ALLEY

WITH THE RANCH WAGON, RIGHT?

YEP.

YOU'RE SURE HE'S THE ONLY GUY?

I HATE TO TELL YOU,

BUT MOST PEOPLE DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE DEAD.

MOST OF US AREN'T LUCKY ENOUGH

TO HAVE A PSYCHO TRY TO KILL US.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIS APARTMENT-- PENN & TELLER LAND.

LET'S SEE IT.

IT'S PRIVATE PROPERTY.

WE CAUGHT HIM. WE'RE DONE WITH HIM NOW.

LISTEN, IT WAS OUR SOULS HE WAS LEECHING OFF.

WE WANT TO SEE PENN & TELLER LAND.

HEY!

WE CHECKED. THESE AREN'T YOUR SIGNATURES.

YOU WANT PROOF THIS WAS YOUR NUTTER?

WATCH THIS.

IT'S TIME FOR A TRICK...

YOU CAN DO AT HOME.

HELLO. WE'RE PENN & TELLER.

PENN & TELLER!

VOILA!

WHEN I EAT FIRE, DON'T THINK ABOUT HOW I'M DOING IT.

I GET BURNED.

YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT WHY.

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

WATCH CLOSELY.

6.

ALAKAZAM!

WATCH CLOSELY.

ALAKAZOO!

NOW YOU SEE IT.

NOW YOU DON'T.

3.

PRESTO!

MAGIC IS FAKE.

VOILA!

WE NEED A VICTIM.

I'LL BE THE VICTIM.

EVILDOERS...

MUST BE PUNISHED.

I WISH--

ARE WE LIVE?

I WISH--

ARE WE LIVE?

I WISH--

ARE WE LIVE?

I WISH SOMEONE WERE TRYING TO KILL ME.

[BANG]

WHY?

WHY?

WELL, I GUESS YOUR ART IS INSPIRING SOMEBODY.

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

CAN WE NOT PRESS CHARGES AND HIRE THIS GUY?

ATTEMPTED MURDER WITH A POLICE OFFICER PRESENT--

WHETHER YOU PRESS CHARGES OR NOT, HE'LL DO TIME.

WHEN THE JUDGE SEES YOUR WEEKEND LIVE SPOT,

HE'LL GET OFF WITH ASSAULT.

THIS GUY'S WACKO TO BEGIN WITH.

SOMETHING WAS GOING TO SET HIM OFF.

I'M JUST CONCERNED ABOUT YOU.

LET'S GO. THIS PLACE GIVES ME THE CREEPS.

UH, WELL, THANKS.

YOU, UH, KEPT ME ALIVE

AND TAUGHT ME A VERY IMPORTANT LESSON--

ONE SHOULD NEVER GO ON NATIONAL TV

AND BEG PSYCHOPATHS TO KILL ONE.

WILL YOU BE AT THE BOAT

WHEN WE GET OUR STUFF?

NO. I START ANOTHER CASE RIGHT AWAY.

TELLER HAS KEYS.

[ENGINE STARTS]

HOW DOES HE DO THAT?

A LOT OF PRACTICE. ISN'T HE GREAT?

UM, YOU KNOW MY NUMBER AT THE HOTEL.

IF YOU EVER HAVE AN UNCONTROLLABLE DESIRE

FOR A CARD TRICK, CALL ME.

THANKS. I THINK I MIGHT HAVE THAT URGE.

YOU'RE GETTING BETTER AT THAT.

YOU DON'T EVEN HURT THEM ANYMORE.

IT'S NOT LIKE WE NEEDED A COP, YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE GETTING PRETTY GOOD WITH THAT NINJA STUFF.

WE COULD HAVE DONE IT ALONE.

YOU'RE DOING GREAT.

AAH!

HEY, TELLER, GIVE ME A HAND OVER HERE!

AAH!

HEY, STOP THAT CREEP!

GET THAT NUT!

YOU'RE THAT SAME GOD DAMNED NUT!

THAT'S THAT SAME NUT!

TELLER! TELLER!

I THINK WE SHOULD GO TO THE HOSPITAL.

I HAVE A KNIFE IN MY STOMACH.

I THOUGHT McNAMARA LOCKED THAT NUT UP!

WAIT, THAT'S McNAMARA'S CAR! HEY, YOU, McNAMARA!

WHY'D YOU LET THE NUT OUT?

YOU KNOW I HATE THAT NUT!

TELLER, STOP THE CAB! BRING IT HERE!

UH, GOD.

TELLER, RUN!

I'M REALLY UNDER THE WEATHER.

I'M--UH.

AH.

AH.

UH...

I SHOULD REST.

OW.

OUCH! JESUS.

YOU TRYING TO TWIST THE KNIFE?

DON'T TOUCH IT!

IT HURTS.

JUST GET AWAY FROM ME.

IT HURTS, AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO TOUCH IT.

VERY SHORTLY, I'LL PASS OUT,

THEN I'LL GO INTO A COMA,

AND THEN I'LL DIE.

DURING ANY ONE OF THOSE TIMES,

YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF OPPORTUNITY TO PLAY WITH THE KNIFE.

UNTIL THEN, JUST KEEP YOUR PAWS TO YOURSELF.

JESUS CHRIST, DON'T POUT!

I'VE GOT A GOD DAMN KNIFE IN MY STOMACH.

JESUS.

AH!

UH!

HEY, LISTEN, TELLER.

I'M SORRY I YELLED AT YOU.

THIS LOOKS A LOT WORSE THAN IT IS.

BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE ABDOMEN ALWAYS LOOKS BAD.

I PROBABLY HAVE A COUPLE OF INTERNAL ORGANS

THAT ARE STILL FUNCTIONAL.

YOUR PARTNER WILL BE OK.

FORGET THE SOLO ACT.

I CAN MAKE THE DOOR MYSELF.

CATCH THAT GUY. KICK HIS ASS PERMANENTLY.

AH!

[WHISTLING]

ARE WE LIVE?

YEAH.

AND NOW, HERE'S SOMETHING YOU CAN TRY AT HOME.

MY PARTNER TELLER,

WHO IN HIS SPARE TIME

HAS BECOME THE WORLD'S GREATEST CARD MAGICIAN.

FOR YOUR AMAZEMENT, TELLER!

ARE WE LIVE?

YEAH!

HA HA HA!

NOW WATCH CLOSELY.

SEE IF YOU CAN SEE ANY STRINGS OR WIRES

AS I PERFORM THE BOUNCING MUFFIN.

HA HA!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

MY PARTNER, TELLER.

HA HA HA!

IN PERSON.

YAY!

ALL RIGHT!

WOO!

YAY!

WOO!

LISTEN!

COME ON, TELLER.

THE AUDIENCE KNOWS TELLER DOESN'T TALK.

OH!

OK.

LET'S CONTINUE.

UP WE GO.

AH.

OK.

AND NOW TELLER'S AMAZING BOUNCING BAGEL.

HEH!

OH HO HO!

AHA HA HA!

I'M SORRY.

MY PARTNER IS HAVING AN OFF NIGHT.

HA HA!

LEAVE IT.

THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

ARE WE LIVE?

YEAH!

ARE WE LIVE?

YEAH!

GET DOWN FROM THERE!

NOT YOU!

TIE HIM UP.

WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU AND PENN ON TV

AND PENN WAS TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE TRYING TO KILL HIM,

I HATED PENN,

AND I DECIDED TO SCARE HIM,

AND I HIRED THIS GUY, AND HE WAS GREAT.

WE SCARED HIM.

AND THEN...

THE MORE I GOT TO KNOW YOU GUYS

AND THE WAY YOU WORK,

THE MORE I REALIZED THAT

EVEN IF I COULD STOP YOU FROM DISPLAYING

YOUR DISREGARD FOR DEATH, THERE WOULD BE OTHERS...

UNLESS I COULD SHOW THEM WHAT HAPPENS

TO PEOPLE WHO THINK DEATH IS A JOKE.

PENN'S STILL AT THE HOSPITAL.

KILL HIM.

YOU'RE NOT TOO UNCOMFORTABLE UP THERE, ARE YOU?

YOU'RE USED TO IT, RIGHT?

I HATED PENN,

BUT I WATCHED THE VIDEOTAPES AGAIN.

I GOT TO REALLY HATE YOU.

ALWAYS STANDING THERE BESIDE HIM, SMILING,

TACITLY ACCEPTING.

WELL, YOU DON'T JUST ACCEPT IT.

YOU THINK IT UP,

AND YOU'RE TOO SICK

TO EVEN EXPRESS YOURSELF IN WORDS.

THAT'S WHY I DECIDED TO KILL PENN FIRST...

SO YOU COULD JUST HANG AROUND HERE--

FORGIVE ME--

AND SMILE PASSIVELY

WHILE PENN LEARNED HOW SERIOUS DEATH CAN BE,

AND I'LL SEE HOW WELL YOU LEARN.

THEN I'LL DECIDE WHAT TO DO WITH YOU.

IN THE MEANTIME...

I'LL JUST SIT HERE

AND WATCH YOUR BLOOD VESSELS POP.

[CLICK]

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT? I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT.

TELLER.

[BANG]

SUR-SURPRISE.

HA HA HA!

YOU GUYS.

TH-THAT'S PENN.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SHOT HIM.

WHAT?

CARLOTTA.

CARLOTTA!

HA HA HA!

OH!

WOO!

WOW!

THIS IS GREAT.

LOOK AT THAT STUFF.

OHH.

YOU...

YOU AND PENN.

THIS IS THE BEST.

HA HA HA!

THIS IS THE BEST!

WOO!

IT WAS A VERY MEAN JOKE.

IT WAS, AND IT'S NOT WORKING ON ME.

DON'T EVEN TRY IT.

YOU SWITCHED IT.

WHEN?

WHAT?

FAKE GUN.

YOU SWITCHED IT FOR THE REAL GUN WHILE I WAS AT--

WHAT REAL ONE?

THE ONE I BOUGHT.

AT THE PAWNSHOP ON KENTUCKY AVENUE.

TO PROTECT PENN.

OK. CUT IT OUT.

GET UP, PENN.

IT ISN'T FUNNY! GET UP!

[BANG]

HE'S DEAD.

WHAT?

HE'S DEAD.

PENN'S DEAD.

REALLY?

YES!

[CRYING]

HA HA HA!

NO HARD FEELINGS.

[BANG]

OH!

[DOG BARKING]

[BABY CRYING]

[CRASH]

HA HA HA!

IT WASN'T SO MUCH AN ACTING JOB.

I MEAN, IT WAS AN ACTING JOB--

THE MOST INCREDIBLE ACTING JOB I'VE EVER HAD.

WE DID THIS JUST FOR TELLER.

HA HA HA!

AND I WAS THE PSYCHO PENN & TELLER FAN,

AND PENN AND HIS CRAZY GIRLFRIEND

ARE, LIKE, REALLY OBSESSIVE.

THEY GOT MY PICTURE IN THE MUG SHOT BOOKS.

I'M SNEAKING AROUND WITH THESE REAL GUNS

WITH BLANKS IN THEM.

PENN TAUGHT ME TO USE THIS BREAKAWAY KNIFE.

EVEN TELLER DIDN'T SEE ME DO THE MOVE.

I'M TELLING YOU, IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

THEY HAD ME WEARING THIS RED FINGERNAIL.

I FORGET I HAVE IT ON.

WOMEN WOULD LOOK AT ME STRANGE.

PENN WAS PLEASED WITH MY PERFORMANCE.

THEY MIGHT USE ME IN THE MOVIE.

GREAT!

SO IT WAS GOOD EXPERIENCE

AND GOOD FOR MY CAREER.

THEY WOULDN'T LET ME TELL ANYBODY.

THEY WON'T MIND ME GOING TO THEIR PARTY?

NO. IT'S OK.

IT'S GOING TO BE FUN.

YOU'LL LIKE PENN & TELLER.

THEY'LL DO ANYTHING FOR A LAUGH.

[BUZZ]

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

YOU'RE RIGHT.

SO, UH...

THIS THEIR IDEA OF SOME KIND OF JOKE?

OH, JESUS!

EVERYTHING IN THIS APARTMENT HAS MY NAME ON IT.

IT'S DESIGNED TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE I'M A PSYCHO

THAT WANTS TO KILL PENN AND TELLER.

COME ON, MAN. COME ON.

THEY'LL NEVER BELIEVE ME.

I-I-I CAN'T--

I CAN'T GO TO PRISON.

I CAN'T TAKE PRISON.

I'LL CRACK, FALL TO PIECES.

JUST TELL THEM IT WAS PENN'S IDEA.

[BANG]

MY LIFE IN POLITICS IS OVER.

I NEVER EVEN MET THESE PEOPLE!

OH, I HATE PENN AND TELLER!

NOT CONTENT JUST TO DESTROY THEMSELVES!

FUCK.

WELL, I'M SURE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE

HAS GOT TO HAVE SOME BULLETS ON HIM.

HA HA HA!

OK.

[GUNSHOT]

IN THAT BUILDING.

IT MUST JUST BE SOME KIDS

WITH FIRECRACKERS.

YEAH.

IT STILL GIVES ME THE CREEPS, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW, THEY SAY YOU GET USED TO IT.

YOU DON'T GET USED TO IT.

YOU CHANGE, BUT YOU DON'T GET USED TO IT.

YOU NEVER GET USED TO IT.

I STILL CAN'T FORGET THAT NIGHT,

THAT HORRIBLE, HAUNTING NIGHT...

THAT DEADLY NIGHT, WHEN MY FIRST PARTNER...

OH.

THAT MUST HAVE BEEN AWFUL.

I'M SURE I COULDN'T HAVE TAKEN THAT.

I LIKE THE LAW ENFORCEMENT BUSINESS,

BUT WHAT I REALLY LIKE IS THE PAPERWORK.

I LIKE WATCHING THE LAWS GET INTERPRETED DAY-TO-DAY,

BUT I CAN'T STAND VIOLENCE.

I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR THE STREETS.

I WISH I COULD GET BACK IN MY OFFICE.

I LOVE OFFICE WORK.

MY BACKGROUND, IT'S ALL CLERICAL.

YOU'LL SEE AWFUL THINGS.

I CAN'T TELL YOU WHEN,

BUT LOOK WHAT IT DID TO ME.

I'M ABOUT TO RETIRE,

ABOUT TO ENTER MY GOLDEN YEARS,

AND WHAT HAVE I GOT?

NOTHING.

MY WIFE LEFT ME. MY KIDS HATE ME.

MY RETIREMENT PAY,

I'LL HAVE JUST ABOUT ENOUGH MONEY

TO SPEND MY FINAL DAYS IN A DRUNKEN STUPOR.

I'M AN ALCOHOLIC, YOU KNOW.

IT'S NOT THE SUFFERING THAT BOTHERS ME.

IT'S THE FACT THAT IT'S SENSELESS.

WHAT APARTMENT WAS IT?

HERE WE ARE--5 H.

[BUZZ]

POLICE! OPEN UP IN THERE!

OK.

[CRASH]

OH, JESUS.

OH, GOD.

I CAN'T TAKE IT.

I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT.

DON'T DO IT. YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.

I DON'T WANT TO!

GOOD-BYE, MY FRIEND!

[GUNSHOT]

[THUMP]

OH, I GUESS THERE WAS NO WAY

I COULD HAVE STOPPED HIM FROM TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT,

BUT I CAN'T LOSE ANOTHER PARTNER.

I MEAN, NOT THE SAME WAY.

OK, SO I'M A COWARD.

SO MY KIDS DON'T GET THE LIFE INSURANCE MONEY.

BASTARDS NEVER WRITE ME.

[GUNSHOT]

[THUMP]

WHAT'S ALL THE RACKET UP THERE?

UH!

HONEY, I GUESS YOU SHOULD COME UP HERE

OR CALL THE POLICE!

♪ I STARTED A JOKE ♪

♪ WHICH STARTED THE WHOLE WORLD CRYING ♪

WHAT?

♪ BUT I DIDN'T SEE ♪

[GUNSHOT]

♪ THAT THE JOKE WAS ON ME... ♪

OH, NO!

[PENN] OH, YEAH!

[GUNSHOT]

WE'RE DEAD, AND THERE'S NO WAY OUT.

IT COULDN'T BE A GAG.

WE WON'T HAVE A CHARACTER WAKE UP FROM A DREAM.

THE MOVIE IS CALLED PENN & TELLER GET KILLED.

WE HAD TO GET KILLED AT THE END.

WE WERE MARRIED TO THAT ENDING.

NOW WE'VE ACTUALLY KILLED OFF OURSELVES,

AND THERE'S NO TAKING THAT BACK,

AND THIS WHOLE PULL BACK,

THIS IS NOT US GOING TO HEAVEN.

I MEAN, THOSE WERE SUICIDES,

FROWNED UPON BY EVERY MAJOR WESTERN RELIGION,

AND ATLANTIC CITY IS IN THE WESTERN WORLD,

SO PENN AND TELLER ARE DEAD.

HA HA HA!

THAT'S IT. THANKS. HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT.

YOU CAN IMAGINE THE SEQUEL THING IS KIND OF A BITCH.

WHY DIDN'T WE JUST USE DIFFERENT NAMES?

[GUNSHOTS CONTINUE]

♪ TILL I FINALLY DIED ♪

♪ WHICH STARTED THE WHOLE WORLD LIVING ♪

♪ OH, IF I'D ONLY SEEN ♪

♪ THAT THE JOKE WAS ON ME ♪♪

[GUNSHOT]

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1989 LORIMAR FILM ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY