Original subtitles

All right, everybody out of bed. Everybody out of bed. Rise and shine.

It's another polluted scorcher here in the San Fernando Valley. Another loser

day. But I'm telling you, this is Danny Depp. And this is me telling you that

there's a real torrid one coming up now by Teddy and the Rough Riders who are

opening here tonight with me. I'll be there at the Topanga Corral. And here

they are now, Teddy and the Rough Riders.

And let's see, prorated at one-tenth of an hour, $2.40 an hour, and it comes to

30 cents times two.

What?

That's 12 cents times two.

30. 12.

30. 12.

Settle for 24?

What do we have to do?

I'm going to be sick.

Get in your uniforms.

I'd like to tell Andy to shove this job right up his... Margie, please.

We've got rent to pay. Or did you forget? How could I?

than working in this dump.

Anything. Oh, yeah.

You can always join the army.

Hey. Huh? I think Andy, that asshole, is looking through the keyhole right now.

What the hell's going on?

Just checking his oil.

So, what's the problem? Just grab his dipstick.

You grab his dipstick. stick.

You said all we had to do was pump gas and check oil.

All right. You check the oil and you pump the gas.

You know, I just about had it with you fucking girls.

Why don't you and Miss Goodwrench go take your coffee break, huh?

Do me a favor.

I can't stand a stiff competition.

There's lunch wagons cromping up all over the place. Look.

And that ain't enough. Listen to this.

I get word to call Minneapolis long distance.

The place is my poor old Aunt Emma.

She's on her deathbed.

Watch the wagon, will you?

Poor guy.

Marcy, wouldn't it be great to have our own business like this?

Really, anything to get away from Andy, that asshole.

Yeah, I've just about had it, too.

Are you sure Terry and Warren are going to make it in time tonight?

Yeah, I'm sure they're going to make it. They'll be here as soon as they finish

talking business with Max.

Why does he keep looking at us? There's weird places.

Because these weird places just might be where we break out.

There's only one thing you want to break out of a place like this. Yeah, your

acne.

I gotta go.

Again?

Bye.

Hi. Hi. Can we do anything for you?

Oh, no. We're just here for a pit stop. Check the oil?

Oh, sure.

Say, tell me where the ladies are. Oh, it's just around the corner.

Hi. Hi.

How are you?

Frustrated. Oh.

Pumping gas, checking oil.

Oh, oh, I see.

Sure don't want any gas.

They do. I don't.

Then I guess you won't believe me.

Huh?

No,

no, wait. Wait a minute. Who is this?

Your Aunt Emma's attorney, Mr. Simmons.

I have some bad news.

I'm afraid your aunt passed on last night.

I see you give good lube jobs, huh? Yeah, the best.

A little low on your oil.

Do you want another quart?

Uh, yeah, oil or whatever you need. Okay, just a minute.

What are you crazy? I thought you said ballet girls were ugly. What about

Teddy? Oh, don't worry about Teddy. Who cares? Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, listen, I'll do that. You don't have to do that. Thank you.

That's okay. So what are you guys doing in town?

We're at the corral.

Oh, yeah? You musicians? Far out. What are you playing?

Nothing. I mean, I'm their manager.

Oh, that's neat.

Here's some tears for tonight.

I'm hoping you'll be able to fly out here as quickly as possible.

Now, wait a minute. Hold it right there, Buster. I haven't seen the old bat in 15

years. All I know is every Christmas she sends me a rum cake.

But if you expect me to cough up the toe for the funeral, you got the wrong boy.

Oh, thank you.

Teddy and the Rough Riders.

God, I hear you guys all the time on the radio. Yeah, well, these are great

seats, you know. I mean, he picked them out and everything.

It's 8.30 tonight, huh?

Yeah, it's 8.30 tonight.

Please, thank you. Hey, honey, there's no toilet paper in the ladies' room.

Well, thank you, ma'am. I'll take care of the media.

Will you watch it? Listen, don't pay any attention to it. I'll see you tonight.

Can you believe that? That was Kenny and the Rough Riders. You lied! They gave us

tickets for the night show. I can't believe it! You misunderstand.

Apparently, your aunt has been holding 50,000 shares of seashell oil worth $2

million. But you must be out here for the reading of the will.

Mr. Simmons?

Sir?

Jesus Christ!

pile of junk that you call a lunch wagon and keep it off of my property.

And that goes for you two both.

You're both fired.

Get out of here.

You owe us $79.50 times two.

Yeah, just pay us up right now.

Oh, yeah? Well, sue me.

Cheer up, girls.

It could be worse.

Not for us. We've got our rent to pay.

Yeah, I wanted to go back to college.

and I haven't even saved enough to buy a pencil.

I'll tell you what.

If you can get me to the airport in this crate, you've got yourselves a lunch

wagon. What?

Thank you.

You do the cooking.

Wonderful. I make a mean peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Is that all you can make?

Once I made a hamburger.

Don't worry, I'm dynamite at frozen foods.

Anything in a package and I can cook it.

Well, how hard can it be?

So where in the hell is the stove?

There's the stove.

are tasty.

Those are French fries.

you'll make a lot of money.

And you get to cook.

Cook, huh?

I like to cook.

And think of the guys you'll meet.

Guys?

I don't know. It sounds pretty good, but I'm never in the Miss Body Terrific

contest this month, and I've got to keep in shape.

I've got to work on my biceps and my pecs. Your pecs?

Yeah, my pectorals, you know. These.

Oh.

Look, we'll put one of those exercise bars in the back of the wagon. You can

work out during your break.

My own exercise bar, huh?

And at the apartment, we'll put one up next to your very own room.

Hmm.

Well, I'll tell you what.

You girls, uh, throw some vermin in once in a while and you got yourselves a

deal.

I thought the valley was full of homies.

That's what I thought, man.

I mean, whoever knew we'd come up with tens, you know? Right.

I think you came on a little too strong with that chick back there.

Who's coming on?

I'm in love. Yeah. Everything doesn't park before for us. Oh, you should talk.

What about that zombie we met in Kalamazoo? He was like death eating a

soda cracker.

Hey, it's Tony Warren.

Thanks. I couldn't envision doing this without those guys.

Hey, what's happening?

What's happening?

What are you doing?

All right.

Just minutes.

Come on, you're not about that blonde girl at the gas station. I mean, she

doesn't mean anything to me.

Hey, uh, Teddy, you know we're not married, okay?

Who's talking marriage?

You seem to be getting it on pretty good with that little twit.

You know, you're getting paranoid, Teddy. I mean, what, are you crazy?

Those diet pills you're taking are driving you nuts.

Crazy? I'm real crazy, huh?

Yeah, you're crazy. This is crazy.

Check that out.

Must have been a long bus ride.

Sorry, I can't thank you enough for helping me out like this. Oh, it's all

right. Forget it.

Get to spend my day off with three beautiful ladies.

Let alone you, the money, and spending it on beer for the ball game, you know.

Thanks a lot.

And don't worry about us paying you back. We'll pay you back in 30 days.

Who's worried?

Ready?

hesitating, heyday.

At times I'll think you do, at times I'll think you don't. My mind is roller

skating, skipping, jumping, ruffling, fading.

Manta, hopscotch, why must you treat me this way?

You be like this, my guy. You be like that.

Shit, I mean lover city. No competition down there.

See you later, girls!

Bye! See ya!

So, where's the hamburger meat?

Hamburger meat? Come on!

Boy burgers are much better for you and cheaper.

What about the hot dogs?

Come on, you guys know hot dogs are a bad thing.

Diva, nothing looks familiar in there.

Hey, that's because you don't recognize nutrition when you see it.

I got fish, I got half a thousand spreads, and best of all, I got goat's

milk. Goat's milk?

Yeah, lucky to find it.

$238.15?

Yeah, and that's no problem either. The cat at the health food store is a really

good friend of mine.

In case none of you know where you are, in case you're too fucked up to know.

This is a Topanga Corral. I'm your congenital host, Danny Death.

All right.

Anybody got any cocaine?

Huh?

Baby laxatives?

Talcum powder?

Have you seen it?

Who, man?

The chick I met at the gas station.

I don't see any weed in this place.

Relax, man. We've got three more sets.

We'll show up.

All right. In keeping with our week-long policy of discovering new talent, our

talent quest.

We've got another act.

Two guys over here. You're going to see them in a second. They are act number

eight. I want you to make them feel welcome.

They really need the gig, if you know what I mean.

They're going to try real hard, so let's hear it for them.

The Brothers Bates.

Shake the ground, shake the ground. You can shake it in the street. Shake the

ground, shake the ground. Come on, people, get off of your seats.

All right, now, hey, front slide. Okay, you're through.

All right.

Let's hear it for Mr.

and Master Bates.

Mr. and Master Bates, I bet you those guys get great heads.

Okay, I just want to tell you what's going on next week at the Defanga

Corral, direct from Alien Village in San Diego.

Illegal Alien Mud Wrestling.

Featuring a tag team match between Jay and Faye, the Cuban Amaphrodites, and

the gay caballeros Victor and Eugene Lopez.

How long is she going to keep that up?

It's me, but as long as she can pull a cookie out.

We won't.

And if we do, we can always work Wonder Woman in there as a wrestler.

Ha ha, very funny. I hope it's funny when the landlord tosses our furniture

out the window.

Did you fix the menus?

Yeah,

I did. Just like you said, I put the food in real small prices. They're going

to need a telescope to read it.

Now I'm rolling over.

This weird food is not for our prices.

We're going to have to distract them.

Hey, don't you girls worry. You know, we'll distract them.

What makes you think L.A. is better than Detroit?

Are you fucking crazy?

Detroit's a hotbed.

There's no crime in Detroit than anywhere in the country.

Here, it's L.A. Look, it's all spread out. You've got country all over the

place. Too many, too many areas.

Not enough cops.

Besides, diamonds is diamonds.

We could do our thing anywhere.

Do our thing?

The last time we did our thing, we spent six months in Detroit.

You know why?

What?

Look at yourself.

Because you got caught in the air conditioning duct. You're too fucking

fat. Look at this shit.

You fast fooded yourself right across the country. Give me this.

What are you doing? You nuts.

Get it off to him.

Hey, uh, first on second thought, gentlemen on order.

Hey, what about the fries?

Get off.

Jesus Christ.

Now what?

Hungry?

Yeah,

so what do you have?

Well, let's see. I'll have a ham sandwich, french fries, and I'd love to

run away with you, honey.

Well, all right, I'm game. Let's see here.

Don't worry about it. Why don't you just go for the specials? They're really hot

today. That's me.

All right.

What's the shadow surprise?

Wouldn't be a surprise if I told you. Now, would it?

Curly? Curly, what do you have?

I'd like something that'll straighten my hair and make me devastatingly handsome.

Uh-huh. Well, in that case, I'd suggest a Deidre's Delighted.

guaranteed to make your muscle program say howdy.

What

the

fuck is going on?

I don't know, boss. I was in the Andy Cup for just a few minutes and it's like

they come out of nowhere.

Why don't you rent an apartment in there? Now go get Jake and Bertha.

Remind me next time to hire a guy who doesn't pencil in his mustache.

I love it when you get mad, Al. It makes me crazy.

Everything makes you crazy. Do you think about anything besides sex?

Yeah, food.

Well, I guess it is a form of oral gratification.

Okay, what's going on, Jake?

Beats me.

We were in the middle of serving up another one of Bertha's banquets when

all of a sudden those three bimbos showed up.

You want I should put a little pressure on them, boss?

No, I... Wait, wait a minute. Wait, this... could be a blessing in disguise.

Hey, that's right. They could take the heat off with a big project.

Why aren't you napping from the top of a building, dunce?

In another day or so, I think we can break through.

Okay, now listen to me. Time is of the essence, okay? I've been following the

market. The price of gold, it's about to drop.

I could get a lot of work done at night.

You can't work at night. There are killer dogs running all over this place.

Relax. Get back to work in peace, okay?

Proud to work for you, Mr. Schmeckler. You got real smart.

Watch your posture.

Watch those broads. You got me?

I'll take care of it, boss.

You got it. As soon as we finish this operation, we'll get rid of the new

competition.

And I'm going to take you to Mexico City and make you Grand Marshal of the K.O.

Pectate Festival, big guy.

Thanks, boss.

You got it.

Back to the manhole, Jake.

We're going to be rich.

Hey, Stenal ain't never going to know what head of money.

Come on, I'll make you salami on rice.

I don't know what the hell I'm eating here, but I sure did the management.

Does that mean that you'll be back to us tomorrow?

Yes, Lord.

98.

99.

One more.

sell a soy burger. Yeah.

All right.

Good to work.

Now, why would a guy bring lunch from home when he can have a pot right on the

job? Beth, it's me, Marcy Macy.

Valley community.

Oh, yeah. You're that little girl that sat next to me during philosophy class.

That's right.

How you been?

I grew up.

I try to get your attention all semester long.

Yeah, I know. The costume does wonders.

How about some dessert on the house?

You're going to love this.

Sure it's all right.

Yeah, it's great.

It'll be $2.95, please.

But, uh... But what, ma'am?

Look, this one's on me, okay?

If it wasn't for Biff here, I would have never passed philosophy.

Here goes nothing.

Really? I don't know where they are. Once more, I don't give a shit.

That's too bad.

They're the best thing you had going.

Look, why don't you two hippie freaks take that pile of shit and drive it off

a cliff somewhere, huh?

What did you call our minibus?

What, are you hard of hearing?

I said it's a junker. It's a pile of shit.

And that's a compliment.

Hey, love a face.

How do you like three-quarters of that 30 weight down the front of your

pantaloons, huh?

Oh, yeah? You think you're man enough?

Yeah,

I think so.

Okay, I think you're man enough, too.

So, uh, you know where we can find those girls, huh?

Positive.

And you better be.

Oh.

Who knows? We could end up with a whole chain of...

a minute. Just watch it with the freebies, girls.

You mean this?

Mm. Oh, God, he was pretty cute. I mean, I don't blame her if she gave him.

He was hot.

Yeah. Really?

I know.

You guys keep your hands off of him, all right?

Oh, God, please.

Don't worry about it. I told you what I like. I like the little guys with the

glasses. That's the kind of man. I mean, if you had one in bed, you'd know what I

meant.

Thank God.

I would hate to have to fight you.

Oh. I thought that brave was really cute, Shannon.

So that is his wife and six kids.

I kind of like Larry, though.

Larry, that's that guy that ate the Pevin Macho burgers, right?

What a pig.

I wasn't counting.

I was dreaming.

You're going to be proud of me, boss.

Everything is hunky-dory.

Jake says one more day should do it. Beautiful, Irvin.

Beautiful. Take the rest of the night off.

Hey, you're a prince, boss. Thanks.

Well, let's celebrate, sunshine. You want food or sex?

Both.

Hello, Larry?

It's Al Schmeckler.

Yeah, could you please send me over the hairy reasoner pot roast with a lot of

60-minute dressing around it also? And I'd also like one other thing for me.

I'd like the beef dip sandwich with a little picture of Liberace floating on

the top underneath the bacon sauce.

Let me ask you a question. Do you want mayo or mustard?

Hold the mayo, lots of mustard, and don't forget the pickle. Hold the mayo,

lots of mustard, and don't forget the pickle. Got it?

Thanks, Larry. Thanks for being yourself. Good luck to Dianetics.

I like to hang around in case anyone likes a snack. Well, I'm going to chalk

it up. The dogs are on duty now.

Okay, good night now. Good night.

God damn it.

Jesus, am I excited.

Let's get out of here. I'm late for class.

And everybody, I've got this chick. She'll do anything, trying to get some

kicks. Won't listen to her mama, won't listen to her pa. Don't care about

nothing but that girl's got it all. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13,

14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33,

34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50.

250 bucks profit.

Hey, great.

That was only half-price, too.

Ten minutes later, she knew everybody there. The man was going crazy. She was

looking so pretty. Slip the hand into his pocket, throw the key to the city.

Now, he ain't no angel.

You know, first time in my life I actually feel like going to work

tomorrow.

Yeah, let's get there really early, huh? But this time, I buy the food.

Okay.

What the hell is what?

Smells awful.

I don't smell anything.

You're right.

Gentlemen, I believe I've found the source of the stench.

I think he's wearing perfume.

Shit, man.

You smell like shit. All right!

All right, it's me. I'm wearing fucking cologne.

Cologne?

It's Mr.

Macho.

Ray and I, we got a bet, man, so you can score first with one of the chicks.

Ain't that right, Ray?

I doubt Mr.

Macho's gonna do you any good. Chick's like the natural scent of a man. Oh, is

that right, man?

Man, if a lady got a smell of your natural scent, she'd pass out.

You son of a bitch. Come on, baby.

Come on, you guys. Bring it on, man.

girls are here.

What the hell's gonna go for a little guy with glad?

Yeah, you're probably right.

Hey, let's get a cup of coffee anyway.

Gold prices are falling fast.

Hello, Roy Rogers, home for unwed boys.

Hello, boss, this is Herman.

You ain't gonna believe this, but they're over your hole.

Who's over my hole?

Those broads, those three young broads.

What happened to Jake and Bertha? They ain't through for another five minutes.

Those chicks came early.

Why'd you try to stop them, schmuck? Well, I was taking a little bowel

movement. What do you want, a laxative diet?

Rise and shine, kid.

Let's have sex, pancakes, and get the hell out of here.

What the hell is this?

What time did they get here, for Christ's sake? Sunrise?

I don't think they ever left.

Oh, here he is.

Where have you guys been?

We've been here a time there early. I told you these broads would be trouble.

Jake, get over there and tell those guys to get their asses out of here. Yeah.

Me? You tell them. I ain't had my coffee yet. I've had nothing until I've had my

coffee. Jake, you're nothing before, during, and after your coffee.

Okay, Herman, you tell them. Me?

Maybe we better wait until those guys finish breakfast.

Yeah, that's what I like about you two guys.

Hey!

You parked in our spot.

this spot belong to you? Well, you don't know a lot of things, sweetie.

You better move this hunk of shit before I kick your ass.

Don't call me sweetie, bitch.

That piggy over here says we have to move our hunk of shit.

Well, that shouldn't be a problem. Did she say please?

No. She said that if we didn't move it, she was going to kick my ass.

She presses 250 pounds a day, eats bear meat, and does 200 push-ups.

So I'm going to do you a little favor and not have her work you over. So why

don't you be a nice little girl and just get the hell out of here?

I ain't going nowhere, bitch.

charge here who wants to know albert schmeckler that's who wants to know and

this aa lunch wagon is here on my location where it's supposed to be so

you better move yours out of here sweetheart why why because i think that

you could improve your business in some place like manila Are you kidding? I

hardly think this business is in need of improving, Mr., uh... Schmeckler, is

that a toughie, G.E. College Bowl? Now, look, I want you to take this, uh,

number seven three-tone lunch wagon out of here quickly, because if you don't,

I'm going to break it in half with a saw and turn it into a can of tuna.

That's so... Harry!

What were you going to do? Well, I have a legal right to vend on this spot.

Who was there first?

We were.

Do you have a permit?

Jake.

It doesn't say anything about vending on this particular spot.

Well, what about that permit?

Thank you.

Theirs look just fine to me.

Look, I have connections very high up.

Oh, yeah? How high? How high? My Uncle Nick is a dog groomer at the White

House. Well, my Uncle Murray is the D.A.

He's just high around.

Now. Whoever got here first has a legal right to vend here, so I suggest you

move your wagon someplace else for today.

How about that coat?

Hey, I'm so glad you came.

All right, I'm a little worried about the fuzz getting wind of this operation,

okay?

Now, while Herman takes care of business, then we'll all slowly get back

to operations, all right?

Jake?

Bertha?

Bertha?

Who's the lucky fella?

Oh, Arnie.

You mean you're going out with that flirt with the glasses?

Hey, I already told you guys what turns me on. I mean, do I have to tell you

again? Where's he taking you?

I'm taking him.

First at the dinner and then over here.

Now what are you going to do?

Show him your barbell?

Something like that.

You even said that you're going to bring him back here and you're going to make

it on your first date.

I hope so. I mean, you know, if I'm going to put the bucks at first dinner,

he can at least come across at home here.

So soon now you're going to want some privacy.

Well, of course. I mean, you girls are going to the crowd tonight, aren't you?

Well, we are now.

Well, I hope so. I'm in late. Come on, let's go.

Oh, come on. Can I stay and watch? Come on.

I saw a stone like that. It was on a doorknob in Ridgewood.

$50,000.

What do you think, Freddy, the friends will give us?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe 2,000 bucks.

It's 1,000 for you, 1,000 for me.

How are we going to get it?

Last time I left it to the turtles, it was a drive-in caper.

We've admitted out of the drive-in. I had the car warmed up, remember, Ralph?

How was I to know you were going to watch the end credits to The Empire

Strikes Back?

Watching two robots take a dump.

I can't help it, I'm a movie freak.

Freeze!

Oh, Lord.

You got me in spare change?

You fucking idiot!

Thinking about two guys like this. You're paranoid, man. You're paranoid.

Get lost.

Get lost.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Come here, Pelican.

Want to buy a watch?

Are you kidding me? No, no. Check it out. Check it out, man. It's

handcrafted. Gold-dipped. Smoke alarm.

Yeah. Calendar watch. It's got a bottle opener.

How much is it? Twenty-five bucks.

Twenty-five bucks? For that kind of money, you're going to ball me.

Okay, for you, 15.

15 bucks.

Here,

buy yourself some mouthwash.

I can sell this and take a stab at my house.

That's where I'm going.

Who cares how you get home?

What are you talking to a mook like that for?

What's a mook?

You're a mook.

shoot up.

You betcha, shooter. As much as I can.

Hey, my wife, she gets her night out with the girls. I think I'm certainly

entitled to mine, eh, Beth?

You betcha.

Your wife?

Yeah, my wife.

Hey, well, why don't you go visit her, okay?

What's the deal?

What's the matter?

I don't know.

Mary, come on. I'm sure you're going to like her. So let's make her feel

welcome. Sheila and her magic baton, number 18.

I don't know. I think I blew it.

What are you staring at me for?

Unbelievable crowd.

I ask you, where's all the femininity gone? In your mouth. You shitheads.

She must have got a whiff of Mr. Macho.

I'm not wearing it, wise guy.

I gave it the chick.

Oh, how sweet.

Hey, girls, how are you? Good to see you. How are you doing this evening?

You're looking fantastic.

Would you care to join me at the pinball machine?

I'll watch.

I'm sure you would bring me... Okay.

I'm really glad you came and everything.

Did you like the way they sang?

Hey, they're hot.

Come on, original handcrafted, gold-dipped.

Well, if it isn't the little garage girl.

All right, cut it out, Teddy.

Changing the interesting spark plugs lately?

No, as a matter of fact, I'm into fast foods now. How fast? Will you just knock

it off?

I want to talk to you backstage right now. Well, I don't want to talk to you

right now. Let's go. I'll be right back. Now.

ACDC, AMFM, Disco Lights.

Hey, I'm not doing this for a hobby, you know?

Assholes.

I'm sure I didn't notice you in philosophy.

I'm positive.

Must have been preoccupying Socrates.

Yeah, he wasn't even built half as good as me.

Let's get stuff in here. You want to take a ride?

Yeah. Let's get out of here.

Good. Hey, I'm back. Thanks for taking care of me while I was gone.

I'll see you later. Have fun with the group. What, are you crazy? You're

taking him over me?

You like this dress, huh?

Picked it up on Sunset Boulevard.

That's not all I picked up on Sunset Boulevard.

All right.

Okay. We're going to go right along here now. Don't forget, tomorrow night.

is the big night, because our week-long talent quest will be over. We're going

to announce the winner, big cash prize.

I want everybody back.

Right now, moving right along, we have act number 19.

This is Olga and her dancing navel. Let's hear it for Olga.

Really glad you came tonight.

So am I. I thought maybe you didn't like our music.

Oh, no.

I love music.

How about part of that?

I can't.

I can't leave Marcy.

Oh, come on.

Yeah.

Let's get the hell out of here. I've got to play a game. This place is just

loaded with cops.

And that's all we need.

We've got to be very careful from now on.

Okay?

Oh, she went off with some friend of hers.

But I said to him that Ben could take you home.

Confirming.

Did you like that restaurant?

Great, great food. Good. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I've never seen a guy your size put away so much pasta before, you know? Well,

I'm crazy about Italian food, especially baked lasagna and sausage. I know. I can

see that. I can see that.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, even though it did put a dent in the old pocketbook,

you know.

Just a big eater.

Yeah, now I can see that.

You know, your strength really turns me on. Oh, really?

You know, Deidre, there's something I've got to tell you.

What's that, Harry?

Construction isn't my first love.

Come on, don't worry about it. Do you think cooking's my first love?

Mine's making it with baroches, guys like you.

So, um, what's yours?

Promise you won't laugh?

Of course I promise. What?

I'm a high baritone.

I've been studying ever since I was six. I know every operatic aria by heart.

But it's a hell of a thing being a high baritone and working construction.

I can imagine. I really can't.

Listen, Arnie, you just stay right here and relax. And, um, I'll be right back.

L'ostro d'agento, placida l'onda,

prosperi il vento.

Venita l'agile parcata mia, Santa

Lucia, Santa Lucia.

Jesus Christ, that's really beautiful.

I can't see without those. You don't have to.

All you have to do is feel.

Jesus, Arnie, I've wanted to do this ever since the moment I set eyes on you.

You have? Yeah.

Just

relax.

Take it easy.

Everything's going to be okay.

Did I have a thank you for dinner? Yeah.

Good.

What's wrong?

I think I hurt my back carrying that coffee urn.

Where's the herd?

There. Here?

I think our lunch wagon is beginning a very interesting future.

You know something?

I had that same feeling about you and me.

What is that?

I think I hear pounding out there.

No, no.

It's my heart, Marcy.

Jade has the hots for Marcy. I think Marcy has the hots for Bill.

I hope he realizes it before Terry demolishes all our equipment.

I really had a nice time, Dad.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

You okay, buddy?

If I was okay, I wouldn't be a drunk.

Hey, you got any spare change?

Are you serious?

I need a dime. I got to call my boss. It's important.

A little woman trouble, huh?

Call her ten times. I don't need a dollar. I need a dime.

I don't know if I got any. Ah, beautiful.

I got in the wrong fucking business.

I'll mail it to you.

You took all my... Hey, you want to buy a watch?

Tell you, that's the last time I go to one of Uncle Nick's testimonies. I think

my squab was bad.

I think I overdid it on the canopy.

Overdid it is an underestimation. I mean, you went through part of those

tables of the vacuum cleaner.

Hello, Walter Cronkite Home for Unwed Mothers.

Good. Good. Beautiful.

Now, you tell Jake and Bertha to get there early.

Right.

Good news? Huh?

Let's celebrate.

Listen, I got a headache.

Why don't you fix yourself a seaweed omelet?

Shit!

Hey! How long you gonna be?

Just a while.

Got the whole street. He's got to park here.

Oh, no.

He's going to be gone in a couple of minutes.

Well, at least we don't have the girls to contend with. I ain't worried about

the girls showing up.

Now, as soon as that truck takes off, you two guys move right in.

Check. Come on, fellas. Let's have coffee.

Let's have a look.

Hey, Shannon.

Hey, have a little coffee.

Honey!

Someone's been screwing around with the truck.

Guess you're going to need a professional for this.

Someone's messing with us.

I tried, boss.

What do you mean you tried? They're still over the hall, Herman.

As soon as they tow that heap away tonight, I want you and Jake to go over

every detail, including the delivery plan. Then you come back here in the

morning and you finish the job.

Don't you fuck up, Herman. Don't you fuck up. Don't worry, boss.

It's going to cost them so much to get that crate running again, they won't be

back for a month.

Maintenance!

Good night.

Good night.

Hey, you forgot to clean the counter.

That one, too.

Okay. Bye-bye.

We got it. We got it. Good. Let me see it.

Come on. Let me see it. It's an empty.

It's an empty.

Garbage. Garbage.

Empty. We have money.

I'll give you empty.

It's funny, Andy. I just knew you'd welcome the opportunity to help those

girls out with that back pay you owe them. You can say that again.

Let me tell you, I am just delighted, delighted to help today's troubled youth

in their never-ending quest for personal fulfillment.

That's real thoughtful of you, Andy.

How soon are you going to have it ready?

Ah, no time at all. I'll just throw in a new transmission.

But since I only owe him $159, you're going to have to come up with another

$250 before I can let it go.

$250?

How are we going to get $250?

You're going to have to think of something.

Good old Andy's not going to donate his services for free.

It's Schmeckler. I just know it.

Well, on this part, you're going to have to prove it.

Yeah, we'll work on it.

Anyway, thanks a lot, Harry. You're a sweetheart.

If we ever get back into action, free pie and coffee.

Okay.

Schmeckler.

Listen, you guys.

Just say the word and I'll flatten.

Down, Deidre.

You've got to play cool this time.

Hey, what about that contest?

What contest?

The winner gets 250 simoleons. And it's unfortunate that there has to be so many

losers. But if you were backstage with these people, you'd realize what a bunch

of losers they are.

Here we go. The envelope, please.

Teddy, why don't you just be cool already?

Teddy, what is wrong with you?

Girls, girls, let's not fight about it, okay?

We're all mature adults here, right, guys? And we'll just work it out, okay?

Don't we all feel better?

Everything's terrific now.

Burlitz every day.

I don't believe it. I don't understand it. These three girls with the IQ of a

Spaghetti-O are taking on a giant like Al Schmeichler. It's ridiculous.

It's frustrating. It's nauseating. How can those three dingbats go for that

menu all the time? I mean, how can those guys want to buy that food?

Granola, fried steak dripping in its own savory juice.

Hello.

I don't know how to tell you, boss, but they're over our fucking hole again.

They must have got here at dawn.

Okay, forget it, Herman. From henceforth, you're relieved of your

fucking duties.

I ain't even tired, boss.

They must have floated an overnight loan or something.

Boss, I promise you, I'll be here first thing in the morning.

You forget it. You tell Jake and Bertha to stand by for instructions.

Don't be mad at me, boss, please.

You know I can't stand rejection.

Pop, go to a singles bar.

I hate this, but I'm going to have to call in Mama.

You think she's tough enough? Tough enough?

When Mama walks into a room, mice jump on chairs. Wait till you meet her.

What does she look like?

Well, she has kind of early American features.

Looks like a co-chief coming through a hair dryer, you know?

Have you seen Biff?

No, I haven't.

Have you seen Biff? No.

Hey, what's wrong with you, man?

The girls are here.

I'm going to brown bag it for now on.

We're saving dough, you know? You're picking the wrong way to economize, pal.

Let's go make my day.

Let me make your day.

One of them bugs the hell out of me.

I hear you were at the corral last night.

Okay, I'm sorry I missed the act.

But I got there just in time to see you and that roadie looking pretty cozy.

We lost the contest and he was just comforting me, turkey.

Oh, he sure looked pretty comfortable.

Besides, he was kind enough to loan us the money to fix our wagon.

Well, I hope you made it worth his while.

You don't seem a bit concerned that we could have lost our entire business.

You don't seem a bit concerned about our relationship.

Just fuck off, Biff.

The car is following us.

The car is in the FBI car. I can tell you. They're following us. Step on it.

Will you stop it? You're driving me nuts now.

Just cool down and relax.

What are you doing, you man? Will you cool down?

When I get this diamond afraid of the fence, then everything will be all

right. You're a little paranoid now.

All right, if it'll make you feel better, I'll pull in that construction

site.

Your sirens.

It's the sirens of that grass you're smoking, you schmuck.

I'm hungry.

Let's go have breakfast.

Again? Yeah, come on. Looks like Schmecklerson and his hitmen.

I'm getting out of here.

I'd like four hot dogs, two cheeseburgers, two burritos, a bowl of

chili with onions and cheese, and a nice pudding.

Let me have a root beer.

Give me a quick make on 680 GDX Michigan.

Give me the time.

You own that car?

That's my car, yes.

Is that your license?

How's it going, kid?

Good for us. Bad for those guys.

I'm afraid there's a warrant out for your arrest.

Please be a number of unpaid parking violation.

You're going to have to follow me down to the station.

But, uh, the boy's breakfast. You're under arrest.

Yeah, but we... Follow me.

What about my hot dogs?

What about my mustard, you... Follow me, fellas.

Oh,

that bastard.

3,000 miles from Detroit to Hollywood. We bump into Eric's father.

Geez, I hope they have stuff to eat at the station.

I hope they're good at eating fucking bars.

Can you hand me those cookies?

Well, you know, you're a pain in the ass. Geez, I hardly think this is the

time for cookies.

I can't help it.

I'm H.H.

There's Mama.

What do you expect me to do, vanish?

Mama thinks I'm a virgin.

Dress like Henry Kissinger like this. Oh, you're decent.

Enter the door. Just a minute.

Who's that?

Hi. I'm Sunshine.

That's a very nice name.

Thank you.

Sunshine.

You must be very bright.

Okay, what's the gig?

All we got to do is take care of the girls' wagon. What's the problem?

I've never screwed up on a job for you before, have I, honey?

Okay, I know I can count on you, Mom, right?

We split 50-50, right?

Oh, actually, it's a third, a third, a third.

Well, I got a lot of partners this time. You know, I got Herman, Jake, Bertha.

What about her?

Sunshine? She helps me out once in a while, but all she really does is eat.

Sunshine, will you go get dressed? We got to show Mama where the girls live.

That hurts.

book. He's got a key. He can find the place. Will you move on?

How could you guys watch this shit?

You sure you don't want to watch Tom Snyder?

Who's Tom?

He's interviewing three transvestites, an infomaniac, a sadomasochist, and the

rabbi. All right.

That's the kind of show I like.

I don't think he's going to show up.

Give the guy a little time.

He'll realize what an asshole he's been sooner or later.

You think I should come?

Hell no.

Don't bow down that low.

You're right.

Jerking. I'm hungry.

I'll get you something. What do you want?

A hot dog.

Interesting.

I'll have a Coke.

Sure.

Reach. Turn around.

Where are the other girls?

They're in the house with their big boyfriends.

Big boyfriends?

Yeah, big boyfriends.

How big are they?

They're really big and they're mean.

Well, maybe we'd better not disturb them.

Is that the rabbit?

You know, I thought that was a transvestite. Oh, come on.

Oh, come on. There's some skirts on there.

My goodness, she certainly has been away a long time.

I wonder what's keeping Marcy?

She's got a key.

Well, that figures.

Hi.

Hi.

Marcy around?

She's in the wagon.

I didn't see any wagon out there.

It's gone.

The wagon's gone.

Oh, my God. It's Schmeckler.

He's kidnapped Marcy.

Hey, I think I know what we need to get to, ma'am. Come on, let's get out of

here.

What do you want? Why is that money? We'd still be in that tank. We've got to

pay her back.

She'll bring her mother to live with us for the rest of our lives. Pay her back

with what?

The diamonds and the mustard.

We've got to find it. We've got to search everything on wheels.

This is Los Angeles.

Everybody drives in this town.

There must be 10 million cars and trucks.

That's right.

You know what it looks like, don't you?

Who's sure I know what it looks like? It looks like that or that.

That!

Hey, Sergeant!

Oh, pilot!

Please, sir.

Where's it at?

I swear to you, I don't know.

Listen, there's a place between the 8th and the 9th road that the Chinese call

the Fountain of Truth.

Now, if I can find this on Herman, we might just get lucky.

Well, anything's worth a try. Yeah.

Hey!

Just take it easy, Harmon. I'm going to give you a little massage.

I don't think I want a massage. She gives great massage.

Holy shit, where the fuck are they going?

What time did Herman say he was going to block the wagon?

7 o'clock.

What time is it now?

6.48.

Look, what are you going to do?

Didn't you go any faster than this? Well, let's move, man.

Come on. Just hang on tight.

Hey, excuse me, Bubby.

I'm a little lost.

I'll say you are. This is a restricted area.

Oh, well, I was looking for the camping ground.

Well, you passed out about five miles back.

You better get out of here. We're testing some high explosives at 7 a.m.

Well, thanks, kid.

Loud noise will give me a headache.

Oh, come on now.

Can't go in there.

We can't go in. That's a danger zone. There's explosives.

Silver danger zone.

And I've been with you all...

done, boss.

Yep, looks like we're in the big time now.

Check this out, Schmeckler.

Ah! Yeah, and Schmeckler needed you out of the way to finish tunneling into Ace

Dento.

Look, why don't you give us the tape? Tell us where Herman is, and Al will

give you five fouls for your trouble.

I will?

Then he was gonna hit the school for crippled children at Burbank.

Will you take a check?

Sure.

Okay, just tell me one thing.

What did you, uh... What did you do with my friend Herman, huh?

We left him at the police station.

Okay. Back to business.

Wait here. Keep an eye out for Harry.

years of my life. What did you give me? Gefilte fish.

Hey, Schmeckler, want to go to Spain?

You don't want to go to Spain.

Turtle.

How long are we going to be here?

How long?

This takes to heal.

sent me a whole package of watches.

We could make a fucking killing on these nurses.

I got this new watch. It's got like home movies in it. You just press this little

button. The lights come on.

Yes!

What with all the

excitement, I forgot to eat.

What do you want?

That's all right. We'll just wait till I get home. Come on, Marcy.

You gotta keep up your strength.

Yeah, well, what the hell? I'll have a hot dog.

Coming up.

Hey.

Something's in the mustard.

Clean it off.

It was hard and shiny.

for the big finish to our talent quest to the Panga Corral. You all want to

know who won the big $250 cash prize. I want to tell you right now it was Sheila

and her magic baton. And as things happen, Sheila has gotten a big break.

She's breaking into one of the main lounges in Las Vegas, has invited me,

Danny Depp, to be her concubine.

So I'll see you around. Sheila?