Original subtitles

(laser whirring)

(people screaming)

(door chime jingles)

Alex! Yo, man, you okay?

Oh, oh, what's up, Goat?

Damn, man, what the hell you been doing, smoking something? Geez.

(alex chuckles) No, no. I'm just worried about Sunday.

Man, you've got absolutely nothing to worry about, man.

You got me, you got all the kids. We're gonna help your ass out, man.

So you're paying me, right?

GOAT: So then I used my no-fail, all purpose seduction line.

ALEX: Hmm. "Wanna see God?"

Nah, "Can I come up and use the bathroom."

Did it work?

Got me a hickey that looks like the Crab Nebula.

Oh, what's this? You...you know I can't give you freebies forever.

Come on, Alex, I'm gonna be helping you out.

Anyway, check it out.

It's the label for Goat's Kick-In-The-Ass Macro-Malt.

I make it in the bathtub.

And that's me as the god Pan riding a Harley.

Since when does Pan wear

(door chime jingles) chain mail and no pants?

Hey sis, what do you want?

What's up?

Listen, I need a copy of this invite. On card stock, so it looks real.

What's that naked guy doing to that monkey?

And don't you have a final tomorrow?

Yeah whatever, mom.

Um... (scoffs)

Anyway, not like you'd know, but Tuesday just so happens to be

the new Saturday night for anyone who is even remotely cool.

Saturday night's only, like, Saturday night for, like, big-haired Gucci girls now.

And didn't you go out Saturday night, too?

Well, sort of, but, like...

Whatever! Why are you, like, all up in my grill?

(chaka scoffs)

You don't have a life, so like, you're just all like...

Yeah, well, that's all gonna change.

What, did you forget? About Sunday? I get my own place.

What a waste. You'll still spend all your time playing video games.

At least I'll have somewhere to crash.

No-ho-ho, no you won't.

My new apartment. Get your own apartment.

Whatever.

This is not Chaka's Motel 6.

Whatever.

Well, if I can't scrounge up some van money fast I won't be going anywhere.

I've got an idea.

ALEX: Legal?

GOAT: Well, n...no.

You wouldn't have this problem if you didn't spend so much money on toys.

ALEX: Right.

Your room is, like, filled with, like, Star Wars

crap and Transformers and Hot Wheels and...

It looks like a six year old boy lives there.

Wait, I take that back. A six year old boy

wouldn't have a collection of the Spice Girls dolls.

Man, I like Scary Spice.

Yeah, I like Posh Spice.

Aw, she's pretty good, too, man.

Posh Spice.

Oh my God, you are so creeping me out.

You should, like, sell some of that junk.

It's got to be worth something to other geeks like you.

I'll never sell. Never. No way.

No. Damn. Way!

MATT: This one's disabled.

It's a very rare one-armed Japanese import.

Even rarer than the old-school Yak Face.

So, you're saying that Yoda would beat Wolverine in a fight?

Yes. I am confident that it is so.

I'm afraid that you are thinking with your heart and not your head, my friend.

Ah, new comics day. Hmm, you can almost smell the desperation.

No. That's just their BO.

Hey, look, a hundred bucks for all of them, alright man?

Hm?

Hey, Alex.

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Okay.

♪ Garbage - Push It ♪

(heartbeats)

Here.

Thanks. (music stops)

Take this to Frank.

Oh, her name's Serena, bro.

Not that you wanted to know or anything.

He would have no chance against adamantium claws and mutant healing powers.

Hey Alex, Yoda versus Wolverine. Who do you think's going to win?

(serena yawns)

Uh, sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Ok, 100 bucks, even.

♪ Garbage - Push It ♪

Yo, uh... Yo, how much is that Mr. T?

50... You gonna buy it or drool over it?

Does it... does it still talk?

(francis winces) Hey Serena, get that for me.

I threw my back out again lifting. Damn deltoid.

(serena chuckles)

MR. T TOY: What you looking at, fool?!

Here.

Uh, thanks.

(music stops)

And Matt says she plays some weird sitar, the zither, it's called?

Oh, not another one of your hopeless goth girl fixations.

I bet you haven't even talked to her.

I have so.

Here.

Uh, thanks.

Oh, so you gonna take this little plastic dinosaur collection?

Nah, nah, I'll leave that here.

All right.

That's educational stuff, I don't want that.

Alex, don't leave me. I want to go with you and the Gillian Anderson playset.

I want to come too, please Alex...

Hey, when I, hey, when I get my apartment, I'm gonna be the man.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Or... At least a normal human being.

You know, when you do, if that should happen, and you start dating, you know,

surgically implanted lap dancers and all that kind of stuff,

who will keep me from blowing my brains out with a shotgun?

Aw, don't worry. I'll always be there for you.

Uh huh.

Like you'll be there for me...

Oh, yes.

On moving day...

Amen.

With the money for the van.

You have obviously forgotten my motto:

Neither a borrower, nor a lender be. (alex laughs)

Or a voluntary participant in a poetry slam...

Or a woman wearing a sweatshirt decorated with glitter... Or

Hey, you don't like many people do you, Jen?

No. And that should make you feel extra special.

Uh.

Yeah.

Oh, God, no, don't!

Oh, what? Is your heart made of stone?

Doesn't this bring back memories?

Yeah, it was my only date in high school.

God, I remember it, yes.

I was emptying the spit valve on my trumpet and this clarinet reed came, like,

flying through the air and hit stuck-up,

skin flute playing Stacey Prissface Barsella

in the back of the neck.

(jen laughs)

Oh, my gosh, I remember. And then after school we went to Mastori's

and made them give us a bowl of gravy to dip the french fries in.

Which is a bizarre custom that you... I don't know where you get this from...

ALEX: They do that in Europe.

JEN: Oh, they do?

ALEX: Yeah.

Aren't you cosmopolitan?

It was so funny though. I remember tha... I think that was

when we realized how much we both hated her guts.

And we made up the nickname "Barfella"

(jen retches twice) you know, and we became, like, friends through shared animosity.

See, uh, Jen, actually I...I liked Barfella.

So that's why I threw things at her, that's what boys do.

And, you know, well, let's just... let's just say she provided enough, uh,

stroking material for me to get through junior high without ever

having to actually talk to a girl.

Except for you, of course.

Alex.

Yeah.

Why can't you let me enjoy my hate?

MECCA: So then he puts his arm around me and he goes, "This here's my next hoochie."

Don't look at me like that, he didn't mean it in a bad way. I know it.

Uh, Mecca, if someone did that to me, I'd be all,

"And here's your next operation. Hyah! Yah-yah!"

(they laugh)

MECCA: Whatever...

Shouldn't we be helping, or something?

So, how did you find this apartment?

I lucked out.

The landlord came into work to copy legal forms

and I went up to him and I was like...

Yo, it says, "Out this month!"

I never liked your face, you no good bum!

See you in housing court, you blood-sucking leech!

You didn't see the inside?

Well, I mean, I had to grab it. This is New York. I had to snatch it up.

You poor dear.

You know how apartments go.

I know, honey, there are eight million hovels in the naked city

and you just got yourself one of them.

(jen groans) JEN: Make way for ugly furniture!

Why are we taking this monstrosity?

ALEX: It's a housewarming gift from the folks.

Oh, it's a heavy housewarming gift.

MECCA: Check out the claws. This couch needs a pedicure really bad.

You know, this whole changing my life deal is...

It's gonna work out fine. I'm sure of it.

Today, I am a man.

(crash)

ALEX: Oh, I'm afraid to look. What was that?

The fire hydrant.

Today, you are a stupid man.

ALEX: Welcome to my low-down love shack.

My super fat sin bin. My space age bachelor pad, if you will.

I won't.

(cat yowls)

Kitty, come here, come here. Aw, kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on, mwah, give me kisses.

Oh, look, you've got a microwave.

That's the refrigerator.

I ever tell you about the time I lived in an air shaft?

Was that before or after the, uh, bank vault?

JEN: Hey, look, it's a window and a metaphor for your life.

This couch smells like a litter box.

Yeah, it's got that 70's porno movie smell, so popular with today's youth.

(chaka giggles) I don't think that's popular with anyone.

Speak for yourself.

Well, I guess we got to chuck it. Sure gonna be a pain getting this mother down the stairs.

Why don't we just throw it out the window?

Goat, your devotion to laziness astounds me.

Me and laziness? Like that.

Well, it's worth a try.

Chaka, you and Mecca stand out front, alright? Make sure no one gets in the way.

Do you think you can handle that?

Whatever, Alex, you act like I'm, like, Miss Irresponsible or something.

You're cool. No one's coming.

The first transport is away.

You can fly. Be free, fly like the wind.

Oh, here's the mother lode. Get out of the way.

You...you want a couch on your head?

Oh, my God. I forgot to tell you, Jimmy, like,

swears up and down on that Cyan forced him to go out with her.

MECCA: Are you serious?

CHAKA: Yeah, like... ALEX: Yo, hey!

Are we in the clear?

Yeah, whatever. Throw it.

She, like, threatened him by telling him, like...

She was gonna tell everybody...

(they scream) Oh my God! Oh my God!

Yeah nice, Chaka, real nice.

You want those crazy PETA people on my ass?

(chaka groans) ALEX: Watch what you're doing.

All right, chill out.

I'm on top of it. You got tons of room.

Okay, but watch yourself. This could get ugly.

All right.

WOMAN: Hey, Chaka, Mecca, over here!

What's up, yo?

CHAKA: What's going on?

Oh! -Oh my God!

(car alarm blares)

Oh, man, that guy took down all my info.

Now I'll have to foot the bill to fix his crappy car.

Man, I told you to establish multiple identities.

Oh, and guess who's chipping in, Chaka?

No way. It was totally an accident.

Ugh! When I drop dead from a heart attack could somebody please inform my next of kin?

Will do.

Can I at least trust you two to watch the van while we take stuff upstairs?

I don't want to get ripped off.

I'll guard your Hulk shower curtain with my life.

Grab the futon and let's move out. I'll hold the door.

Engage.

Lift your end a bit, Jen.

Is that a come on?

Umm, yeah, sure.

Aren't you an easy one?

Ah, come on.

Get down and spread 'em.

Oh, yeah. (jen laughs)

Oh, you're so subtle. Oh, God. Alex get over there,

come on I'm...I'm stronger. I'm the manliest of all of us and I should be on the bottom.

Right.

You bet, I'll get on the bottom.

JEN: Dear sir, I was a 98 pound weakling,

but then I sent for this amazing growth hormone and all of a sudden...

I just sprouted 12 inches!

GOAT: You mean the "Man Maker?"

JEN: Yes. You take the "Man Maker?"

GOAT: Oh, yeah.

(jen laughs) JEN: Is it a pill or... or a contraption?

GOAT: I'm not gonna get into that.

All right, look. Shut up. This whole thing is turning into one big pain in my ass.

And it just does not help that you're annoying and you're useless. Oh, son of!-

Help. Please.

I'm sorry, didn't you just call me annoying?

(elongated burp)

JEN: Okay, here we go.

Hey, partner, look. There's Chaka and Mecca.

You know something, I swear Chaka wants to get with me.

I know it.

Bro, you're, like, bugging out, man. Just chill with that.

She's, like, off the meat rack or something. I don't know.

But you know what I mean, she's, like, not worth the trouble.

Oh, she's a little chicken head, but hey, she's also kinda cute, man.

Betcha I could get them both back to my crib?

With the quickness. Okay, now watch me be all suave and crap.

FRUITY: What's up, cuties? What's happening?

Yo, Matt. That's my brother's van.

Oh...

Alex is the Cookie King?

No, he's just using it for the move.

Yeah, Fruity? He's an expert at moves.

(chaka laughs)

Room for three?

So, me and Mecca were, like, looking for this club, right.

It was horrible.

CHAKA: And we both had to pee, like, simultaneously.

MECCA: We were in sync, almost like twins or something.

CHAKA: Like, we always are, but, like, we ducked

into this movie theater and, like, this guy is like,

"No, you can't come in here, d-d-d-d-dog.

"You cannot use our toilet."

MECCA: Like we're going to steal a toilet or something?

CHAKA: Right?

MECCA: So stupid. It's a normal bodily function.

Hey, you know, I live a few blocks from here.

FRUITY: Just around the corner... CHAKA: So, he's all like...

"And how do I know you're going to come back, Missy?

"Do you have any ID?"

And I'm like, what?

MECCA: He's, like, looking at it trying to figure out

whether it's really hers or not. Whether it's, like, a real school ID.

CHAKA: I'm all like, you have, like, no right to be looking at my name

MECCA: Seriously.

CHAKA: So he's all, "Chaka Hanson."

And he's, like, checking out my card. Seeing if it's validated...

MECCA: We're like, what are you doing?

CHAKA: I'm all like, who are you?

Like, you're, like, a vending person at a movie theater.

MECCA: Right, like, go clean out the popcorn machine, or something.

CHAKA: I was like, yo...

Like I was saying, I thought maybe later we could all go over to my place.

Aw, damn!

Hey, you! Stop!

Come back here with my van!

Chaka!

Wait up!

What just happened?

Your suave made them run away.

Where do you want the spatula?

Don't shake the box. Can't you read?

(singsongy) Shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake, shake.

ALEX: Oh, you're... JEN: Shake your booty.

You are just a laugh riot today, aren't you? JEN: Shake your booty.

(normal voice) Thank you.

♪ Pitchshifter - Genius ♪

How much stuff is left outside, anyways?

I don't know.

They're sitting here, fooling around.

The van?! Chaka!

Oh, I'm gonna bust her ass.

(music fades out)

Oh, man, they're gone bro, they're not coming back.

Trust me, B, they always come back.

Stupid Alex, and his stupid, stupid, always being right.

Wait, Chaka, look, over there. The van.

CHAKA: What? Oh my God.

(they scream) Hey, hey you! Over here!

No way Chaka, you're crazy.

What?

You can't get into a van with a stranger. He could be, like, like,

"Put the frigging lotion in the basket!"

I've got pepper spray.

Cool van, is it yours?

Of course it's mine. I'm driving it, ain't I?

(horn honks) Stop blocking the box!

I'm Toby, uh, what's your name?

Chaka. Listen, can I have a ride and my friend Mecca and her cat? Thanks.

No. Wait. I'm... kinda in the middle of something right now. You see, I...

Well, we might as well leave that sofa outside.

There's obviously no room for it in here.

What if Morticia Addams drops by and you want to put the moves on?

Well, actually I always kind of preferred Wednesday. Now, how likely is that?

Oh, I'd say it's about as likely as you bagging that spooky chick from the comic shop.

Hm?

(toilet flushes)

How's the john? Big enough to contain you?

Well, parts of me.

Only problem is the bowl's busted.

So I had to throw it under the sink.

Ach, gross.

(sighs) If I could just figure out how to brew

beer that doesn't make you pee all the time.

I'll paint a nice idyllic country scene on that window.

Some cows, a barn...

Maybe a mass murder.

Damn, what was I thinking?

What if I made the wrong move? I mean, I had it fat back home.

No rent, no responsibilities, all the chicken rolls I could eat.

No sex, no self-esteem, no hope of ever leading a normal life,

no going to the bathroom... ALEX: I've had sex.

Yeah, sure you did.

Anyway, even if you did make the wrong decision, you've got to make the best of it now.

And then spend decades complaining ALEX: I did have sex.

JEN: about your crummy apartment like

every other New Yorker who isn't a millionaire.

Jen's right, man. You can not give up.

You must not look back. Come hell, high water, or a fleet of Ferengi coming up your ass.

You must follow through and confront your destiny.

(watch whistles)

Gotta go. Happy hour.

Hey, since you're getting rid of stuff, can I have the life-sized Xena?

Um, where are the brakes again? Oh yeah.

Get out of my way, tourist taco!

Chaka, don't we have to get back?

Mecca, don't go all parental on me, I'm having fun.

What about Alex?

Hey, let's race that cab over there.

So then they ran away, due to the fact that they were overwhelmed by my charm.

This couch is so hot!

God, it's so... decadent.

You can have it for 50 bucks. It was my great-grandmother's.

Mmm... I don't know.

She was a madam in a whorehouse in New Orleans.

Uh, drank absinthe?

Yeah,

I don't think so. I don't know, the claws are cool though.

I'll tell you what, I'll deliver it for free.

Okay, I'll take it. I guess.

Hey, guys, I'll give you 10 bucks each to help.

Hey, that little creepy-crawly babe you're so crazy about is taking off with your sofa.

Don't let him up if he has to use the bathroom. He's... dirty!

God, who's yelling?

I don't know. Some freak.

Hey, didn't I see your picture on the goth chick of the week website?

Hmm, that's original.

Damn. Still no sign of the van. Chaka doesn't even have a license. At least not a real one.

Where the hell are they?

Wait, what are the rules again?

Ok, you can be, like, anywhere in the world, doing anything you want, with anyone.

You have, like, unlimited money. Be specific.

MECCA: Okay, I'm with this guy and he's really sensitive and smart, and we're in love.

And he buys me flowers, and writes me love songs every other day.

Mecca, where do you live? Like, where are you in the world?

I don't know. It doesn't matter.

So we're having this seriously deep connection on an almost cosmic level...

(chaka groans) And then he leans in and just

before he's about to kiss me...

What are you wearing? What does he look like?

Ugh, forget it.

You don't even know how to play this game.

I'd live on a private island.

Me too. Where the water was, like, always crystal blue and the sand was always white

and it was always exactly 85 degrees.

Yeah. And we'd get shrimp and lobster and vanilla, you know with the little beans in it.

Yeah, whatever. We could have a chef cooking gourmet style dinner all the time.

Yo, a mansion, a television with every room in it.

We could have, like, our own private jet with, like, our own DJ spinning any type of music.

What about a casino?

We can have a casino, yo, it's a fantasy.

All right.

See, Mecca, that's how you play the game.

Ok, why don't you think of the window as, I don't know,

think of it as, like a... a conversation piece.

You know, and just be thankful that you've got the broken

toilet in the apartment and not down the hall.

Thanks for trying to cheer me up. But, I am un...un...uncheerupable.

Ha. I'm sorry, I don't speak your language.

I made a new word today.

You did, you coined a phrase, didn't you?

But I must go now. I must return to my apartment. Featuring unreliable hot water,

slutty roommate, and plaster chips that fall on my head. Buh-bye.

Later.

Pfft.

♪ Foxy Brown - Hot Spot ♪

Ugh! All the way to Atlantic City and they wouldn't even let us gamble.

What kind of dumb, wack law is that?

Well, it's only 2am though, we could still go out.

What do you say, Mecca?

(snoring)

CHAKA: Wake up babes, you're home.

Thanks for the ride. Bye... Toby, or whatever.

See ya, Chaka. Mister Peepers says night-night.

Uh, okay, where to now?

Don't move. Just follow my directions carefully, no one gets hurt.

You know, you're a really weird chick.

♪ Sonic Youth - Bull In The Heather ♪

(rats squeak)

(music stops) (buzzer)

CHAKA: Yo, it's me!

Chaka?

♪ Sonic Youth - Bull In The Heather ♪

Oh God, I'm so beat.

Don't worry, I can sleep on the floor, though.

Where's the van?! What...what the hell happened? Where have you been?

Ugh, don't freak! This guy stole it and I had to track him down

and spend the whole day with him so he wouldn't suspect anything.

Then, I had to hold pepper spray to his head and force him to bring it back.

It's parked right outside in a legal spot

(music stops) so thank me, okay?

Oh, God, Chaka, you know, you really are a brilliant liar.

Fine, don't believe me. Can I stay, anyway?

(sighs) Yeah, I guess. Too tired to argue.

You're the best, brother.

I'll make you coffee in the morning, maybe.

Um, but don't wake me before noon, okay?

Wow, it really is a dump in here.

Yeah. Guess this is what they refer to as real life, huh.

Well, it may not be pretty but at least now you won't have to worry

about mom interrupting your personal time in the bathroom.

Yeah, that's true. Wait, wha... You know about that?

Mmm...

(knocking on door)

Hey, Chaka, I'm sick of waiting downstairs.

Sorry about the van, man. Your sister's cool.

Toby, this is Alex.

Um, I told Toby he could crash here, too.

That's okay with you, isn't it, Alex?

Alex?

Captions by Magnus