Original subtitles

Welcome to Spidey's cardio workout.

What the...

Uh, excuse me.

Good morning. This is your 9 a.m. wake-up call.

Curtain of 1-555-HALP A NICE DAY.

Already?

Guess we'll have to finish our workout some other time.

Okay, class, pair up with your partners

and go do your experiments.

50% of your term rests on this experiment.

In other words, do not screw up.

Well, what'd I miss?

Just like the entire assignment.

Experiment of your choice illustrating the relationship

between thought and behavior.

We're supposed to partner up.

Oh. Then, uh, want to be partners?

Oh, sorry. I'm taking.

Coolest partner in the class, if I must say.

Good morning, Mr. Dylan.

It's pretty cool, huh?

You know what that is? Your new lab partner.

You're about to enter the Christina Zone.

Ooh!

I'm really easy to get along with.

The truth is, I have an almost preternatural ability

to communicate with others.

Preternatural?

Mm-hmm. Practically supernatural.

You know, psychokinesis, ESP, Jedi mind stuff.

You believe in all that, don't you?

Actually, no.

Okay, how about cryptozoology?

You have to believe in that, 'cause hello, human spider.

Out there saving people, pretty awesome.

Yeah, Spiderman's cool.

Cool, mysterious, big-hearted.

And those spider eyes.

Ugh. I get butterflies just looking.

Mm. Yup. Me and the Spidey-Dude are soulmates.

Soulmates? Um...

So, shouldn't we talk about our experiment?

Like I told you, this is where my new invention is.

I know, solitary trade inventing.

You wouldn't associate it with someone so verbal like me.

It's a gift, really.

Listen, I'm not sure that's gonna--

Not this!

Bottom is creating a super glue gun.

Acid polymers.

Pretty much melted half my high school science class.

It's a da!

Here it is. My ESP crown.

I don't--

And now, I am going to read your mind.

Okay.

First, let's set the mood.

Peter Parker, yes.

Let's see, let's see, let's see. Uh-huh.

You like to study. You live off-campus.

Right, well, you have serious major mega-girl problems.

With a redhead.

Yes?

See, I told you, let's crank it up!

Christina!

Christina, where are you?

Where are you?

Whoa, you all right?

I need to be alone now.

What? Are you? I mean--

Sorry, Peter. We'll have to experiment some other time.

Where are you?

Christina, where are you?

I'm here. Where are you?

Who are you? On your desk.

Getting warmer.

I've been calling and calling.

If you don't listen, how are we ever going to be together?

Now, are you ready to do everything I say?

So, how was psych?

MJ, it was a nightmare.

I got the lab partner from Sunnydale.

Want to grab lunch? I got a serious pastrami jones working.

Okay, I know that look.

Extra lean, on sourdough, hold the mustard.

And here I thought you weren't paying attention.

No, I pay plenty of attention.

You do? You know what our problem is?

We don't ever share our thoughts, our feelings.

That's your hunger talking.

Peter, I don't think you get it.

We've been friends for, like, ever, right?

And we know a lot of details about each other.

But see, if we're going to make this shift, you know,

it has to be more than knowing my favorite sandwich.

It should be like... like...

Like ESP?

Like communicating.

Oh, okay. I can do that.

Can you? You're always running off somewhere.

But I realized I have no idea what you do or where you go.

I mean, who are you, really?

Right now? A guy who wants to take you to lunch.

This is what we're going to do.

Every day, starting tomorrow, we write a note to each other,

divulging a personal tidbit.

A tidbit?

Uh-huh. Something small, but deep.

A secret.

I'm determined, Peter.

I will get to know the real you.

I'll do anything for us to be together, Spider-Man. Anything.

Well, you're going to have to find me, aren't you?

The real me.

But how? I mean, it's not like you're in the phone book.

Think, Christina. Think.

How do you lure the amazing Spider-Man to you?

What do heroes do?

They... they save people?

She shoots, she scores.

Go catch yourself a spider.

So, there you go. I need a tidbit.

A tidbit?

I know. That was my reaction.

So, then she explained. She wants something deeply personal and soul-bearing.

Help me, Harry Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

Well, I got only one piece of advice.

Get out. Get out while you still can.

Come on. I'm serious.

It's a tough one, buddy. We're guys.

We don't do soul-surging.

I have to think of something to write.

Okay, dude. You like MJ. You want her to be your girlfriend?

Well, there's only one thing she wants you to write on that piece of paper.

How do you really feel about her?

I feel... good about her. Really good.

Yeah. That's pure poetry. Suck it up, man.

Put pen to paper and take the plunge.

Okay, Spider-Man. Time to play hero.

Good thing I was in the neighborhood.

I knew it. I knew you'd come. Oh, Spidey. This just froze it.

What? What does this prove?

I knew. If I jumped, you'd save me.

And once you were here, you'd realize that we're...

We're what? What do you think? We're like soulmates?

Oh, my God. You knew exactly what I was thinking.

This just proves it. We are soulmates. We are!

No, we are not. I don't even know you.

Now don't put yourself or others in danger. Ever again.

I was trying to be a good girlfriend.

I was only doing what you said. I thought it would make you happy.

Well, next time, be more careful.

I don't have time to go around saving careless girls.

Oh, Spidey. I'm so sorry. I blew it.

Please, tell me. How else can I find you?

Figure it out.

MJ, a personal tidbit about me that nobody knows is...

When I was little, I used to get a rash every time I took a bath.

Must go deeper.

MJ, what you don't know is...

I'm not nearly as smart as everyone thinks.

I had to take my driver's license test twice.

MJ, deep down inside me...

I'm afraid there's a big, boring nothing.

I don't know what else I can tell you.

Except for the coolest, secret stuff about me which I can never share with you.

Like this.

And thanks to Empire State U's own Peter Parker for that exclusive Spider-Man footage.

Peter Parker. He always seems to know where to find Spider-Man.

Okay, I'll have an ice vanilla latte with non-dairy whipped cream.

That moo-wang. 20,000 students at Empire U and he remembers that I'm lactose intolerant.

Peter Parker? Where?

Wait, when did you see Peter last?

Parker, Parker. I don't know.

But his roomie, Harry Osborne, just bought two half-calf granny macchiatos and went that way.

Peter, I'm so glad you're here. This is so exciting. Here.

Here's mine. Where's yours?

Well, I...

Now, come on. I won't accept any excuse. Cough it up.

It might not be what you're hoping.

Relax. It'll be great. Mine first, okay?

When I was little and my parents were fighting, I would hide in my closet and pretend I was a stowaway on a ship.

It was grimy and cold there, but I was happy because I wasn't stuck in the house. Nobody fought.

Wow.

Say no more. I'll read yours.

No, don't. Don't.

I couldn't believe what he wrote. Go ahead, read it.

To MG, I confess that no one else in the world knows I'm allergic to grouper, the fish.

I was deeply, nakedly honest with him, and he offered up grouper.

Well, what'd you say?

Thank you, Peter Parker, for wading toe deep into our relationship.

You obviously have no conception of what really matters in life, and so will die a sad, pathetic, lonely old man.

Ouch. You said that?

Maybe not with words.

But my body language made it pretty clear.

So now what?

I don't know. It's all so very messed up.

Well, long as you don't flip-flop back to Spider-Man.

Spider-Man? Don't worry. I know how much you hate him.

Besides, I am so over that.

Yeah. Well, I bet he's not over you. In fact, I bet that sleaze bucket still has the hots for you.

Harry, stop it.

See? No, I have to help Peter. It'll be you and Spider-Man all over again.

MJ, you're in love with Mary Jane Watson?

Mmm. Possibly.

But you can't be. You can't be.

The heart feels what it feels.

The heart can change with enough determination. I know it can.

So, you do whatever it takes?

Anything.

Well, if that's the case, all you really need to do to win Spider-Man's heart...

Yeah?

...is remove the obstacle between you.

Remove? You mean MJ, as in...

That's right. Eliminate.

Okay, okay. Here's the money shot.

Look, Spider-Man focuses, and boom! Catches the car with webbing from only one hand.

Come on. That didn't look so hard.

If I could shoot Sticky-Goop from my wrist, I wouldn't have to focus on it.

He's a guy. I bet he's thinking about girls.

He is not.

I mean, he seems a little too busy for that.

Eh, maybe you're right.

Ooh, come to think of it. What's up with that mask? He probably looks like Goat Boy under that thing.

Yeah.

Anyone else seen this?

Um, no. You're the first.

Exactly. You keep supplying me with footage, people will take notice, and then you'll become famous.

You think?

I know. And I will make reporter and get my own morning talk show.

Actually, I never really considered being famous. I just like taking pictures.

Humility. My charming quality.

Aww, nice.

Who is it?

What do you want?

Spider-Man, here, to profess his true and undying affection for me.

Candy and I will be together forever.

You're insane.

Insanely jealous.

Look, there's nothing going on between me and Spider-Man. You lie!

I don't like liars.

Oh, no.

We're early for our wedding.

Don't the lovebirds be surprised to see an uninvited guest splayed on the buffet with acid holes where her vital arcades should be?

What can you possibly hope to accomplish?

I will prove that Spider-Man loves me, even if it's buried deep in his subconscious.

You see, everyone, even Spider-Man, needs help to eat through facades and expose true feelings.

But what if, what if it's not you?

Then you'd better hope it's not you.

I'm melting! I'm melting!

Hey, know what I'm feeling right now?

Yeah.

Your invention sucks.

Christina, I think this crown did something to your mind to make you act like this.

No. I've always known you were my soulmate, Spider-Man. I just needed you to realize it, too.

Put the wires on.

It doesn't work.

Put the wires on! Do it now!

Okay, then. Read my mind. Tell me what I really feel.

Wait! How do you know you're not just projecting your own feelings onto him?

How many times has this crown thing been absolutely correct? She has a point.

So I'll have to ask a question I know I can prove right or wrong.

Who are you under that mask?

Oh, my God. I know who Spider-Man is.

I had no idea you were so average and unexciting.

I mean, no offense.

I'm not a fan of Spider-Man.

I'm a fan of Spider-Man.

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