Original subtitles

Well, what do you think?

Looks expensive.

Yeah, it is kind of ugly, but I dig it.

What's with the higher math?

Monthly expenses.

If I can sell three pictures a month of the bugle and maybe a video exclusive to Empire

One, I think I can earn half my half of the rent.

Don't sweat it, dude.

Buy each according to his ability, two each according to his needs.

Capitalism, baby.

Actually, that's communism.

Have you set foot in history class ever?

It's early in the semester, bro.

You ought to try loosening up.

Skip a class once in a while.

It's soul cleansing.

As for the rent, well, maybe I can get you a job taking research photos for Oscorp.

Then you can stop glorifying that murdering freak boy, Spider-Man.

But I like taking news photos.

Besides, not everyone hates Spider-Man.

Hey, are you guys showing a movie on this flight?

I'd love to see Black Hawk down.

You pass with flying colors, Spider-Man.

Emphasis on flying.

Special Agent Roberts, FBI.

That sucks.

Some kind of test.

And me without a number two pencil.

We had to do something to lure you out.

You're not exactly in the yellow pages.

Yeah, well, I'm not bulletproof either.

Blanks.

You went to a lot of trouble.

Because we wanted to meet with you alone.

Your country needs you, Spider-Man.

My country?

As in the whole country?

Otherwise, I wouldn't be here.

Well, what do you know?

How much do you know about international monetary transfers?

I'm still trying to figure out how to dodge that Buck 50 service fee at the ATM.

Last year, 90% of the world's banks went digital.

That means all account transfers are sent via encrypted satellite transmission.

We've learned that a superchip called the TX-1 was commissioned specifically to decrypt

those transmissions.

I don't have to tell you what that could mean to the world economy.

Why I keep my money under the mattress.

You know who commissioned the chip?

All we know is a mob cryptologist named Bledsoe is putting the finishing touches on the TX-1

as we speak.

Still don't see where I fit in.

Bledsoe's lab is on the 60th floor of a downtown skyscraper, heavily guarded.

No way in for a biped.

You want me to destroy the chip?

I want you to save the planet from financial meltdown.

Get the chip to us and we can figure out how to neutralize it in case any others show up.

You scratch our back, we scratch yours.

Spider-Man swallowed the bait.

Sucked in the whole hero package like it was clean air, just like you predicted Kingpin.

Poor little Spider-Man can't get no respect.

What a rube.

You make that pick up for me?

If there's even one fry missing.

Plus, I don't eat that crap.

Good.

Hey, you guys want to grab some grub?

Can't.

MJ and I have that all-important Professor Williams lecture.

Hey, let's sit together.

Maybe you can explain it to me.

Peter, I'm not going to class.

And don't give me that look.

We all have our priorities, and it's lovely that yours is graduating mega-cum-loud and

it's going on to be some sort of international brainiac.

I actually prefer photography.

But my priority is my acting, and I've got a showcase tonight at eight that needs rehearsing.

No, sure, I get it.

Your acting is important.

I mean, you're going to be big someday too.

Yeah?

Yeah.

And I guess getting a snack and inheriting a global empire is slacking off next to Nicole

Kidman and Stephen Hawking here.

So listen, maybe you guys want to come watch.

There'll be all sorts of Broadway producers there, a couple people from Letterman possibly.

Hey, I'll videotape the lecture for you so you won't miss anything.

That would be great.

Leave it to you to know exactly what I'm thinking.

Tape the lecture?

You do like this, girl, right?

Is it that obvious?

Oh, she doesn't care about the stupid lecture.

She wants you to care about the showcase.

She practically begged you to come.

She asked both of us.

I'll tell you.

For a smart dude, you can be pretty clueless sometimes.

I'll see ya.

The dive bombing helicopter startled many Midtown residents yesterday.

Not to worry.

According to a call into our E1 newsroom, it was all part of a movie shoot.

However, that doesn't explain the presence of Spider-Man interfering with the movie.

I mean, am I good or what?

Carry it with the UV for as long as it takes.

Great.

That's the one for me.

That's the one for me.

Hello?

Hi.

It's Peter.

Parker.

I've known you since the second grade, Peter.

I know who you are.

Right.

I just wanted to call and say, "break a leg tonight."

They still say that, right?

I think now they say, "Don't screw up your lines."

But that's sweet of you.

Well, I know how much this means to you and how badly you want to do well.

Not that you won't do well because you will do well because you're swell.

What I'm trying to say is, I can't wait to see your show tonight.

You're coming?

I was hoping you would.

Uh...

I, uh...

So, listen, maybe you want to come over before the show and, I don't know, help me run lines?

Yeah, that would be cool.

Cool.

How about in an hour?

Excellent.

Uh... wait, I can't.

I'm totally zoned out.

I'm in the middle of chem lab and this teacher kind of has me up against a wall to finish.

But you'll still be at the show.

Absolutely.

Listen, the professor's taking off.

I've got to finish up, so I'll see you tonight.

Bye.

Good. It's time.

Special delivery.

Nice touch.

You guys into Happy Meals?

FBI protocol is none of your business.

You got the chip.

Where's Agent Roberts?

Special.

Agent Roberts has more important things to do than make pickups.

Yes, that's why he's so special.

You've done your country a great service, Spider-Man.

Now, not a word of this to anyone.

But the scratching of backs.

We've only done half the ritual.

I scratched yours and now...

What about the whole world, knowing what a great guy I am?

Give me a break.

Curtain's up in five. You're in the second sketch.

Then tell me when we're finishing the first sketch. I'm practicing.

Maybe if you'd made rehearsals.

I'll have you know. I had a very high-paying gig yesterday.

Yeah, yeah. You're a mystery producer you've never met.

What are you looking at? Never seen a real live actor?

I've been scammed.

Oh, my God.

Limo. Limo. Gotta find a limo.

Okay, listen.

I mean, you two make a great-looking couple.

Gotcha.

I'm not sure which feels better.

Becoming one of the richest men on the planet,

or knowing that Spider-Man was the Duke who made it happen.

Kingpin, he could still be a threat.

Once he figures out what's going on, he's gonna know we'll need a satellite uplink.

Even if he found out where, he'll never get past the mini chopper.

Not when the ammo's real. He's a lightweight.

We'll see about that.

Nice of you to drop by.

Not a problem. Will I be fighting any of your henchmen,

or did you already eat them?

Let's show him what he's made of.

Didn't your mother tell you never to play with guns?

Not very fair. A human spider against an unarmed man.

Yeah, but each of your arms is the size of Brooklyn.

Whoa.

Yeah, uh, can I have the number for the local FBI office?

I know how important your showcase was to you.

I really wish I could have been there.

I was there.

I'm on again tonight, but don't knock yourself out.

Oh, I won't knock myself out, I mean, 'cause if I was out, I couldn't be there.

So you would ate?

Okay, you're forgiven.

You forgetting something slick?

Ah, the notes.

MJ, I almost forgot. I've got that bio videotape for you.

Bring it with you tonight.

Anyone else want coffee?

Good.

Deutsch 1, Germany. The Red Bank, Russia.

The Royal Trust, England. Our own Federal Reserve.

The financial institutions of the world, ladies and gentlemen.

All waiting for the biggest digital satellite heist in history.

Now that the TX-1 is ours, once my men finish installing the uplink,

you can think of these as cash registers, dumping billions into our pockets.

And thanks to America's stupidest superhero,

the feds are hunting the wrong man.

When will the uplink be ready?

24 hours.

How soon?

You make it very, very beautiful. Takes time.

Do you have anything that's just nice looking?

Never gonna make it.

Hey, what are you doing?

Mosely, FBI.

So that's what an FBI badge looks like.

I really have to be somewhere.

You should've thought of that before you got your panties caught in the ring.

That was you who called us yesterday, wasn't it?

You gonna try to tell me this isn't the phone you used to call in that tip about Kingpin?

No.

Here's the guy you know.

How long have you been in cahoots with Spider-Man?

Cahoots? I don't think I'm in that with anybody.

Oh, I think you are. Spider-Man steals a TX-1.

You call up with this Kingpin shaggy dog story to send us sniffing the wrong mutt.

I'm only gonna ask you once.

Where do we find Spider-Man?

Spider-Man and I don't exactly see eye to eye.

If the TX-1 goes online, besides the ungodly sums that'll be stolen,

it'll cost the world billions to re-encrypt all those transmissions.

If that happens, you better pray I find Spider-Man.

'Cause if I don't, I'm coming after you,

and I'll be treating you as if you and Spider-Man were one and the same.

Can I have my things back?

What are you dabbling in next? Bioterrorism?

I am so, so sorry.

Not a problem.

I honestly and truly was steps away from the theater when this SUV pulled up out of nowhere

and these two men in black yanked me inside.

Did they have a talking pug?

I don't think they had animals. Turns out, they were FBI.

Next thing I know, I'm on the extremely wrong side of the George Washington Bridge.

If you didn't want to come, just say so.

I did want to come.

Fine, you wanted to come.

Do you at least have that bio-video tape for me?

Yeah, about that tape.

Tonight's the last night.

But why am I telling you? It's not like you'll be able to make it.

The CIA might need you for some super special covert mission.

FBI.

Way to play hard to get, Romeo.

Hello?

What are you, some kind of wise guy giving us that useless video tape?

But just so you know, this country's worst nightmare is about to come true.

We intercepted a foreign communique an hour ago,

confirming that a satellite uplink will be established today.

Even if you found out where, you'll never get past the mini chopper.

Uplink, right. I just remembered something that might help.

Call me Dumbo.

'Cause I'm all he is.

My contact at Empire One heard that whoever really took the TX-1

is using the same mini chopper that buzzed Midtown last week.

That's gonna establish their satellite uplink.

Dude, secret cell phone calls, making up stories late to class.

Do we need to stage an intervention?

No, no. That was the FBI.

You've still got some influence at Oscorp, right?

If you consider owning a controlling percentage of the company's stock influence,

then I'd say yes.

Then I'd say I need a favor.

What's the holdup? Banks and Cairo will be opening soon.

Just be a second.

You can start by sparking up that mobile activation system.

Not so fast, Tubby.

Not hard to track that flying Cuisinart of yours, Kingpin.

Yeah.

Good to go.

So long went the spider.

FBI, hold it right there.

That tip from our contact at Oscorp was right.

Follow the chopper.

Follow this, you asswins.

No!

This is where you get off.

Think this is where we both get off.

One word, liposuction.

No!

No!

Too bad we lost Spider-Man. But this one.

Yeah, okay.

MJ!

Oh my God, Peter. You made it.

Covert mission ended early.

You were really terrific.

Really? I thought that I totally screwed up that college dorm scene.

You'd never know.

I... I didn't think you'd show.

MJ?

I mean, it meant so much to me, and then I thought,

why was I obsessing over whether or not you saw me?

You were terrific. You should be really proud of yourself.

You blew away those Letterman people.

Thanks.

MJ, come on.

Oh, yeah. This is for you.

It's beautiful.