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1
00:00:02,219 --> 00:00:04,091
How we doin'?
2
00:00:04,221 --> 00:00:06,658
It's the most stressful
day of the year
3
00:00:06,789 --> 00:00:08,051
for Claire --
4
00:00:08,182 --> 00:00:09,139
our anniversary.
5
00:00:09,270 --> 00:00:10,575
She tends to leave
her gift shopping
6
00:00:10,706 --> 00:00:11,881
till the last minute,
7
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,491
and the pressure
can really get to her.
8
00:00:13,622 --> 00:00:15,319
I'm great.
9
00:00:16,581 --> 00:00:18,279
Huh.
10
00:00:18,409 --> 00:00:20,933
Oh, did you forget
it's our --
No.
11
00:00:21,064 --> 00:00:22,500
Happy Anniversary.
12
00:00:22,631 --> 00:00:23,936
You're strangely calm.
13
00:00:24,067 --> 00:00:26,722
Is this the legendary
realm beyond madness?
14
00:00:26,852 --> 00:00:28,941
I already got your gift.
15
00:00:29,072 --> 00:00:30,117
And I nailed it.
16
00:00:30,247 --> 00:00:31,988
I even stayed below
the $100 limit.
17
00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:32,902
You?
18
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,338
Oh, you'll be
quite pleased.
19
00:00:34,469 --> 00:00:36,036
...once I find something.
20
00:00:36,166 --> 00:00:38,603
This time I left my shopping
till the last minute,
21
00:00:38,734 --> 00:00:41,084
maybe just to give Claire
a chance at our competition.
22
00:00:41,215 --> 00:00:42,999
Am I too competitive?
23
00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:45,001
I mean, she does often say,
24
00:00:45,132 --> 00:00:48,309
"Phil, do you always
have to finish first?"
25
00:00:48,439 --> 00:00:51,007
Joe, I'm coming for you.
26
00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:53,314
Hey,
have you guys seen Joe?
27
00:00:53,444 --> 00:00:55,229
Aw, man!
28
00:00:55,359 --> 00:00:57,492
You found me soeasy.
29
00:00:57,622 --> 00:00:59,276
But that was for fun.
30
00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:00,756
Hide and seek?
31
00:01:00,886 --> 00:01:02,236
What am I, 4?
32
00:01:02,366 --> 00:01:05,195
I'm here because Luke has
the new zombie video game
33
00:01:05,326 --> 00:01:07,110
that my mom
would never let me play.
34
00:01:07,241 --> 00:01:09,025
So...what else?
35
00:01:09,156 --> 00:01:10,244
What else?
36
00:01:10,374 --> 00:01:12,289
Hey, didn't you get
a new video game?
37
00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:13,812
Crap, crap, crap,
crap, crap!
38
00:01:13,943 --> 00:01:15,510
Did you see her
yesterday?No, why?
39
00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,033
That's what she says
when she realizes
40
00:01:17,164 --> 00:01:18,295
she just slept through
an entire day.
41
00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:19,818
So, my boss went away
for the weekend,
42
00:01:19,949 --> 00:01:21,298
and I realized I left my phone
at her house.
43
00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:23,213
There's a doggy door,
but then I would have to
44
00:01:23,344 --> 00:01:24,519
find a dog,
somehow learn how train it
45
00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:26,086
to go inside,
and then find it.
46
00:01:26,216 --> 00:01:28,044
And I don't know
where to get a --Honey...
47
00:01:28,523 --> 00:01:30,264
Oh my God, duh.
[laughs][chuckles]
48
00:01:30,394 --> 00:01:33,180
Joe, youhave a dog.
49
00:01:33,310 --> 00:01:35,225
Come on. [chuckles]
50
00:01:35,356 --> 00:01:36,357
[sighs]
51
00:01:36,487 --> 00:01:39,142
--Captions by VITAC--
52
00:01:39,273 --> 00:01:42,189
Captioning Provided by
20th Century Fox Television
and ABC, Inc.
53
00:01:42,319 --> 00:01:45,540
and brought to you by Ford.
We go further, so you can.
54
00:01:45,670 --> 00:01:48,108
♪♪
55
00:01:50,327 --> 00:01:51,633
[both laugh]
56
00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:54,201
Now see, this is when
entertainment was classy.
57
00:01:54,331 --> 00:01:55,550
Max Feldman wore a tux,
58
00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:57,856
the audience
smoked cigars.
59
00:01:57,987 --> 00:02:00,120
And his act is as fresh today
as it was in the '70s.
60
00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:01,599
MAX FELDMAN:
What are you, an Eskimo?
61
00:02:01,730 --> 00:02:03,035
You got 50 words for "snow,"
62
00:02:03,166 --> 00:02:05,777
but apparently none
for "toothbrush."
63
00:02:05,908 --> 00:02:06,996
[both laughing]
64
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:10,086
I don't understand
why you guys like that man.
65
00:02:10,217 --> 00:02:11,261
He's a bully.
66
00:02:11,392 --> 00:02:12,697
See, this is why we're not
bringing you
67
00:02:12,828 --> 00:02:14,612
to his show tonight.
-You don't get the jokes,
68
00:02:14,743 --> 00:02:16,266
you ask questions
the whole time...
69
00:02:16,397 --> 00:02:17,398
It ruins the experience.
70
00:02:17,528 --> 00:02:18,921
I understand funny jokes.
71
00:02:19,051 --> 00:02:21,053
This is not funny.
This is mean.
72
00:02:21,184 --> 00:02:22,229
He just told that guy
73
00:02:22,359 --> 00:02:25,101
that he looked like
a beef jerky wearing a tuxedo.
74
00:02:25,232 --> 00:02:26,407
And that guy
was Ronald Reagan
75
00:02:26,537 --> 00:02:27,582
and he loved it!
76
00:02:27,712 --> 00:02:29,323
I hope Feldman zetzes me
tonight.
77
00:02:29,453 --> 00:02:31,368
Is that why
you're wearing that shirt?Huh? No.
78
00:02:31,499 --> 00:02:33,718
Anyways, I'm gonna go
and run some errands.
79
00:02:33,849 --> 00:02:35,503
If Jorge arrives
before I'm back,
80
00:02:35,633 --> 00:02:37,592
please don't bore him
with this stuff.
81
00:02:37,722 --> 00:02:39,376
Jorge was
this steamy Latin musician
82
00:02:39,507 --> 00:02:40,856
your mother used to date.
83
00:02:40,986 --> 00:02:42,814
Apparently she feels
she has to invite him here,
84
00:02:42,945 --> 00:02:44,120
instead of just
thinking about him
85
00:02:44,251 --> 00:02:46,601
while she pages through
a high-school yearbook
86
00:02:46,731 --> 00:02:47,950
on her third Scotch
87
00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:49,430
like a normal person.
88
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:50,909
Jay, don't be jealous.
89
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,128
It was 20 years ago,
90
00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:54,217
and I only dated him
for six months.
91
00:02:54,348 --> 00:02:56,654
And we never had
what you and I have.
92
00:02:56,785 --> 00:02:57,699
Well,
that's nice to hear.
93
00:02:57,829 --> 00:02:59,266
It was only physical.
94
00:03:00,963 --> 00:03:02,704
Manny...
95
00:03:02,834 --> 00:03:04,662
you're gonna learn
something today.
96
00:03:04,793 --> 00:03:06,447
I try to learn something
every day.
97
00:03:06,577 --> 00:03:07,491
It keeps me young,
98
00:03:07,622 --> 00:03:08,971
or nuori,
as they say in Finnish.
99
00:03:09,101 --> 00:03:11,103
Assuming you stop
saying stuff like that,
100
00:03:11,234 --> 00:03:12,496
one day
you will be married,
101
00:03:12,627 --> 00:03:14,411
and eventually the ex
will show up
102
00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:15,499
sniffing around,
103
00:03:15,630 --> 00:03:17,849
puffing out
his pretty-boy chest,
104
00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:19,634
which is your cue
to go alpha.
105
00:03:19,764 --> 00:03:21,157
Don't you think
Mom will get annoyed
106
00:03:21,288 --> 00:03:22,941
when she sees you being rude
to an old friend?
107
00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:24,160
Not at all.
108
00:03:24,291 --> 00:03:25,727
Deep down,
she wants to see me vanquish
109
00:03:25,857 --> 00:03:26,858
all who came before.
110
00:03:26,989 --> 00:03:28,425
It's basic animal stuff.
111
00:03:28,556 --> 00:03:30,079
Oh, I get it.
112
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,124
My girlfriend Karen
was pretty frisky
the other night
113
00:03:32,255 --> 00:03:33,735
after her ex showed up,
and I bested him
114
00:03:33,865 --> 00:03:35,780
in a chocolate-soufflé
bake-off.
115
00:03:35,911 --> 00:03:37,304
I don't need to tell you
116
00:03:37,434 --> 00:03:39,175
my soufflé wasn't
the only sweet brown dish
117
00:03:39,306 --> 00:03:40,437
she devoured that night.
118
00:03:40,568 --> 00:03:41,351
Because...?
119
00:03:41,482 --> 00:03:43,223
I also made
molasses cookies.
120
00:03:43,353 --> 00:03:45,703
I've learned to ask
the second question.
121
00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:48,184
I don't even remember
what the fight was about.Uh-huh.
122
00:03:48,315 --> 00:03:50,360
Then why does your teacher
want to have a chat with us?
123
00:03:50,491 --> 00:03:52,580
Maybe she has trouble
meeting people.Ah.
124
00:03:52,710 --> 00:03:53,668
Hey.
125
00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,322
Oh, that is a --
that's bold.
126
00:03:55,452 --> 00:03:56,801
It's too young,
isn't it?No!
127
00:03:56,932 --> 00:03:59,195
[alarm beeping]Oh, God, these things
have lie detectors now.
128
00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:00,370
Sir,
please give me your bag.
129
00:04:00,501 --> 00:04:02,329
Oh...we-- well,
the cashier probably
130
00:04:02,459 --> 00:04:05,114
just forgot to take
a security tag off of the --
131
00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:07,334
Where did that
come from?
132
00:04:07,464 --> 00:04:08,509
Possible 488.
133
00:04:08,639 --> 00:04:10,511
No.
I wouldn't steal a bra!
134
00:04:10,641 --> 00:04:12,339
I don't wear bras!Yeah.
135
00:04:12,469 --> 00:04:14,036
Oh. Well, maybe once.
136
00:04:14,166 --> 00:04:15,777
Our friend Pepper had
a "Turning 50 is a Drag" party.
137
00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:17,300
[chuckling] Yeah,
he's had five of those.
138
00:04:17,431 --> 00:04:18,519
So...
Sir,
please come with me.
139
00:04:18,649 --> 00:04:19,520
No...
No, no, no, no, no.
140
00:04:19,650 --> 00:04:21,783
Mitchell, call a lawyer!
-I'm a lawyer.
141
00:04:21,913 --> 00:04:23,219
Yeah, but you've lost
more suits
142
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:24,438
than a Men's Wearhouse
in a tornado.
143
00:04:24,568 --> 00:04:25,569
April Fool's!
144
00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:27,615
They thought
you were a shoplifter!
145
00:04:27,745 --> 00:04:29,399
Burn!
146
00:04:29,530 --> 00:04:31,706
A fight at school,
and now a shoplifting prank?
147
00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:33,360
If you wanted to rebel,
148
00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:35,057
why don't you just put
a pink streak in your hair?
149
00:04:35,187 --> 00:04:36,493
I told you,
I don't want one.
150
00:04:36,624 --> 00:04:37,581
But you would look
so cute.
151
00:04:37,712 --> 00:04:39,366
Okay, well,
whatever this phase is,
152
00:04:39,496 --> 00:04:40,628
I'm not a fan.I blame us.
153
00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:42,760
We've been
far too permissive.Agreed.
154
00:04:42,891 --> 00:04:44,588
You are grounded
for one month, Missy!
155
00:04:44,719 --> 00:04:46,286
[hushed voice] We got
the Cirque du Soleil tickets.
156
00:04:46,416 --> 00:04:47,809
Except
for Cirque du Soleil!And the Disneyland trip.
157
00:04:47,939 --> 00:04:49,245
And for Disneyland!
158
00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:51,291
But you are not
going to Christina's
slumber party tonight
159
00:04:51,421 --> 00:04:52,727
no matter how much --We have reservations
at Cactus.
160
00:04:52,857 --> 00:04:53,989
Okay,
Christina's slumber party
161
00:04:54,119 --> 00:04:55,382
is the last one
for a while.
162
00:04:55,512 --> 00:04:56,818
[normal voice]
Right. That's right.
163
00:04:56,948 --> 00:05:00,256
[indistinct conversations]
164
00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:02,214
[chuckling]
165
00:05:02,345 --> 00:05:04,434
PHIL: Scented candles.
[laughs]
166
00:05:04,565 --> 00:05:07,307
The simpleton's choice.
167
00:05:07,437 --> 00:05:09,439
The perfect gift
has three elements --
168
00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:11,049
not something
you'd buy for yourself,
169
00:05:11,180 --> 00:05:12,573
takes you on
an emotional journey,
170
00:05:12,703 --> 00:05:14,444
that journey is on a ship --
171
00:05:14,575 --> 00:05:16,316
A showmanship.
172
00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:17,882
Mm.
173
00:05:18,013 --> 00:05:19,319
I mean, finding a gift
that has all three
174
00:05:19,449 --> 00:05:20,842
is challenging,
but here's the thing.
175
00:05:20,972 --> 00:05:23,061
Bad ideas
aren't your enemy.
176
00:05:23,192 --> 00:05:24,498
In fact, sometimes
if you free-associate
177
00:05:24,628 --> 00:05:26,891
from the bad ideas,
you discover great ones.
178
00:05:27,022 --> 00:05:28,371
Let's try it.
179
00:05:28,502 --> 00:05:30,982
[inhales deeply]Sir, would you like
a bonsai tree?
180
00:05:31,113 --> 00:05:32,288
Novelty key chain.
181
00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:33,637
First thing that popped
into the noodle.
182
00:05:33,768 --> 00:05:34,856
It's terrible.
183
00:05:34,986 --> 00:05:36,031
Let's see
what that key unlocks.
184
00:05:36,161 --> 00:05:37,424
Novelty key chain.
185
00:05:37,554 --> 00:05:39,034
Novelty lock.
186
00:05:39,164 --> 00:05:40,252
Loch Ness Monster.
187
00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:41,341
Monster bike.
188
00:05:41,471 --> 00:05:42,603
Bike lock. Padlock.
189
00:05:42,733 --> 00:05:44,344
Mouse pad.
Novelty mouse pad!
190
00:05:44,474 --> 00:05:45,606
Novelty key chain!
191
00:05:45,736 --> 00:05:47,782
What...just...happened?
192
00:05:48,435 --> 00:05:50,393
It was like my muse
just disappeared.
193
00:05:50,524 --> 00:05:52,134
And she
wasn't coming back.
194
00:05:52,264 --> 00:05:54,571
Soap?!
She's not your grandma, Phil!
195
00:05:54,702 --> 00:05:56,138
If I don't care that it
mops, dusts, squeegees,
196
00:05:56,268 --> 00:05:58,053
and lights up,
197
00:05:58,183 --> 00:05:59,359
would I care
that Stacey Keach says
198
00:05:59,489 --> 00:06:01,926
it's the last cleaning tool
you'll ever need?
199
00:06:04,233 --> 00:06:06,061
Box of chocolates.
200
00:06:06,191 --> 00:06:07,889
Count Chocula.
201
00:06:08,019 --> 00:06:11,371
Chaka Khan, conman,
Isle of Man.
202
00:06:11,501 --> 00:06:13,155
"I Love Lucy," Lucy Liu.
203
00:06:13,285 --> 00:06:15,462
Lululemon, lemon peel.
204
00:06:15,592 --> 00:06:17,028
"Key & Peele," key chain!
205
00:06:17,159 --> 00:06:18,378
Novelty key chain?!
206
00:06:18,508 --> 00:06:19,901
No!!
207
00:06:20,031 --> 00:06:21,381
No!
208
00:06:24,122 --> 00:06:26,603
JOE: Laundry, right?Oh, it never ends.
209
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:27,952
I heard that.
210
00:06:28,083 --> 00:06:30,607
Happy Anniversary,
by the way.
Thank you.
211
00:06:30,738 --> 00:06:32,435
Did you get anything special
for Phil?
212
00:06:32,566 --> 00:06:33,871
Kid's smooth like butter.
213
00:06:34,002 --> 00:06:35,395
Just like I coached him.
214
00:06:35,525 --> 00:06:37,701
I am very excited
about the present
I got for Phil.
215
00:06:37,832 --> 00:06:39,529
Come on over here.
Come on closer.
216
00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:42,271
But you have to promise that
you are not gonna tell anybody.
217
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,490
Talk to papa.
218
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:46,623
I don't want anybody else
to hear what it is.
219
00:06:46,754 --> 00:06:49,060
It's a really good secret.
And the present is...
220
00:06:49,191 --> 00:06:50,975
[air horn blows]
Ow!
Ow!
221
00:06:51,106 --> 00:06:52,629
Why would you do that?!
222
00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:55,371
My ears are still
developing!
223
00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:57,329
CLAIRE: Nice try, Phil.[both laughing]
224
00:06:57,460 --> 00:06:58,505
That's so funny!
225
00:06:58,635 --> 00:06:59,854
Oh. Hey, honey.
How are you?
226
00:06:59,984 --> 00:07:00,985
[cellphone ringing]I'm so sorry.
I have to take this.
227
00:07:01,116 --> 00:07:03,335
Oh, boy.[cellphone beeps]
228
00:07:03,466 --> 00:07:04,989
Hello, Robert...
229
00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:06,469
Not too much.
How are you?
230
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:09,124
There are a lot of ways
you can establish status
231
00:07:09,254 --> 00:07:10,995
over another man,
like Jorge.
232
00:07:11,126 --> 00:07:12,519
A firm handshake...
233
00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:15,478
...displays of wealth...
234
00:07:15,609 --> 00:07:17,480
and feats of strength.
235
00:07:17,611 --> 00:07:19,308
[grunts]
236
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,440
Interesting.
Moving that rug
237
00:07:20,570 --> 00:07:22,354
was the hardest thing
in the world for you
238
00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:23,921
when I needed to practice
tap dancing.
239
00:07:24,095 --> 00:07:26,663
There are also
more subtle moves,
240
00:07:26,794 --> 00:07:28,970
what I call
micro-aggressions.
241
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:30,580
Call him
by the wrong name.
242
00:07:30,711 --> 00:07:31,668
[doorbell rings]
243
00:07:31,799 --> 00:07:33,670
Throws him off
the moment he meets you.
244
00:07:33,801 --> 00:07:35,542
You must be Huevos!
245
00:07:35,672 --> 00:07:38,588
Jay! Pleasure.
Jorge de la Selva.
246
00:07:38,719 --> 00:07:39,807
In English,
it's George of the Jungle,
247
00:07:39,937 --> 00:07:41,591
so I stick with Spanish.
248
00:07:41,722 --> 00:07:42,766
Hey, who's got
the great taste?
249
00:07:42,897 --> 00:07:43,985
That would be me!
250
00:07:44,115 --> 00:07:45,377
[chuckles] Nice!
251
00:07:45,508 --> 00:07:46,727
Uh, hello...
252
00:07:46,857 --> 00:07:50,905
So, you and Gloria...
you used to, uh...
253
00:07:51,035 --> 00:07:52,602
Yep.
254
00:07:52,733 --> 00:07:53,777
[exhales]
255
00:07:53,908 --> 00:07:56,606
Hey, so he was
a little more handsome
256
00:07:56,737 --> 00:07:57,607
than you were expecting,
257
00:07:57,738 --> 00:07:59,957
but pull yourself together,
man.
258
00:08:00,088 --> 00:08:03,047
Now, fights are very common
at Lily's age.
259
00:08:03,178 --> 00:08:04,484
I mean,
so many parents ask me,
260
00:08:04,614 --> 00:08:06,137
"What happened
to my sweet little kid,"
261
00:08:06,268 --> 00:08:08,226
and I say,
"That's puberty."
262
00:08:08,357 --> 00:08:09,663
Puberty.
263
00:08:09,793 --> 00:08:10,577
Well, Lily's a little young
for that, so...
264
00:08:10,707 --> 00:08:11,534
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
265
00:08:11,665 --> 00:08:13,231
What is this?
The inner ear?
266
00:08:13,362 --> 00:08:15,495
That is the female
reproductive system.
267
00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:16,800
Oh.
Cam.
268
00:08:16,931 --> 00:08:17,801
Oops. Heh.
269
00:08:17,932 --> 00:08:18,802
I dropped the, uh --
270
00:08:18,933 --> 00:08:20,151
I want to say egg chute,
271
00:08:20,282 --> 00:08:22,676
but I know it's probably
something more Latin-y.
272
00:08:22,806 --> 00:08:23,590
It can be a challenge
273
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:25,983
when a child
enters into adolescence,
274
00:08:26,114 --> 00:08:27,245
so I was thinking --
275
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:28,638
does Lily have any aunts
276
00:08:28,769 --> 00:08:30,988
or any other female figures
in her life?
277
00:08:31,119 --> 00:08:32,033
Yes, why?
278
00:08:32,163 --> 00:08:33,425
Well, she might want
to talk to a woman
279
00:08:33,556 --> 00:08:34,688
about what
she's going through.
280
00:08:34,818 --> 00:08:35,645
Okay. I see.
281
00:08:35,776 --> 00:08:36,559
So meaning, as a gay couple,
282
00:08:36,690 --> 00:08:37,821
we're not up to the task
283
00:08:37,952 --> 00:08:39,431
of raising a daughter
on our own.
284
00:08:39,562 --> 00:08:40,432
No...
Okay.
285
00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:42,434
[whispering]
Mitchell, I'm stuck.
286
00:08:42,565 --> 00:08:43,740
I'm just saying that
Lily may be self-conscious
287
00:08:43,871 --> 00:08:45,786
talking to men --
even her dads --
288
00:08:45,916 --> 00:08:49,529
about certain
female body issues.
289
00:08:50,747 --> 00:08:52,662
Did she tell you
what the fight was about?
290
00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:53,533
Yes. Obviously.
291
00:08:53,663 --> 00:08:55,404
Yes,
we are a very open family.
292
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:58,189
It's not like we wouldn't
just not follow up.
293
00:08:58,320 --> 00:08:59,408
And what did
she tell you?
294
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:00,278
Uh, that...
295
00:09:00,409 --> 00:09:01,279
A...
Boy...?
296
00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:02,193
No.
Girl.
297
00:09:02,324 --> 00:09:03,543
A girl tried
to snap Lily's --
298
00:09:03,673 --> 00:09:04,848
Finger!
Bra.
299
00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:07,416
But Lily
doesn't have a bra.Exactly.
300
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:08,635
And now
she's getting teased,
301
00:09:08,765 --> 00:09:10,245
because unlike
the other girls,
302
00:09:10,375 --> 00:09:11,115
she doesn't have a --
303
00:09:11,246 --> 00:09:13,030
Oh, just say it.
A mom.
304
00:09:13,161 --> 00:09:14,902
A bra.
Oh.
Okay, so...
305
00:09:15,032 --> 00:09:16,207
Oh, that wasn't a joke
306
00:09:16,338 --> 00:09:17,600
when she stuffed that bra
in your bag.
307
00:09:17,731 --> 00:09:18,601
She wants one.
308
00:09:18,732 --> 00:09:19,776
She's just --
309
00:09:19,907 --> 00:09:21,430
she was too embarrassed
to ask for it.
310
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:22,518
[exhales]
311
00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:23,606
Oh, boy.
312
00:09:23,737 --> 00:09:24,999
You don't think this is gon--
gonna come up
313
00:09:25,129 --> 00:09:26,653
at the slumber party,
do you?
314
00:09:26,783 --> 00:09:28,480
Not Christina S's
slumber party?
315
00:09:28,611 --> 00:09:29,786
Yes.Oh, God.
316
00:09:29,917 --> 00:09:32,876
She single handedly sent
our lunch lady back to rehab.
317
00:09:33,007 --> 00:09:35,009
I would strongly consider
bringing Lily --
318
00:09:35,139 --> 00:09:36,576
Thank you, we got it.
319
00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:37,707
Mm.
320
00:09:37,838 --> 00:09:38,708
Obviously
you were gonna say
321
00:09:38,839 --> 00:09:41,624
we should bring Lily...
home?
322
00:09:41,755 --> 00:09:43,104
Actually,
I was going to say
323
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:44,279
bring Lily
a training...bra.
324
00:09:44,409 --> 00:09:45,889
Training bra!A train set! Bra.
325
00:09:46,020 --> 00:09:48,631
See? We all said training bra
at the same time.Yes.
326
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:53,593
Oh, wow.
This crema is incredible.
327
00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:56,291
The secret is Amore beans
from Guatemala.
328
00:09:56,421 --> 00:09:57,771
Low-acid, shade-grown,
329
00:09:57,901 --> 00:10:00,643
individually massaged
by an order of hill nuns.
330
00:10:00,774 --> 00:10:02,863
Oh, I'm very familiar
with the Amore bean.
331
00:10:02,993 --> 00:10:04,299
[hushed voice]
I get why you have trouble
332
00:10:04,429 --> 00:10:05,169
vanquishing this guy.
333
00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:07,694
He's perfect.So, Jorge, um,
334
00:10:07,824 --> 00:10:10,566
you were Gloria's boyfriend
right before Javier?
335
00:10:10,697 --> 00:10:12,350
Yeah, and a little during,
you know?
336
00:10:12,481 --> 00:10:14,135
She kinda bounced around
between the two of us.
337
00:10:14,265 --> 00:10:15,963
Um, where is she anyway?
338
00:10:16,093 --> 00:10:17,617
I got to be at a Dodger game
in an hour.
339
00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:19,401
Oh, you like sports?
340
00:10:19,531 --> 00:10:20,794
That's fantastic!
341
00:10:20,924 --> 00:10:22,491
I tried to get this one
into baseball.
342
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:23,361
No go.
343
00:10:23,492 --> 00:10:25,363
Actually,
I hate baseball.
344
00:10:25,494 --> 00:10:26,930
I'm here to sing
the national anthem.
345
00:10:27,061 --> 00:10:28,410
I'm an opera singer.
346
00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:29,933
I just finished two months
at La Scala.
347
00:10:30,064 --> 00:10:32,327
[doorbell rings]The house
that Toscanini built?!
348
00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:33,676
Yeah, well, it's been rebuilt
a few times.
349
00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:35,896
You know, a bunch of opera
singers prancing around.
350
00:10:36,026 --> 00:10:37,680
It, uh, takes its toll
on the foundation.
351
00:10:37,811 --> 00:10:39,334
Yeah.ALEX: Hey.
352
00:10:39,464 --> 00:10:41,553
I'm here to pick up
Mom's old boombox
from storage?
353
00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:43,077
She needs it for...
354
00:10:44,339 --> 00:10:46,558
How many Mannys do you see
through these things?
355
00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:48,560
JAY: That's Gloria's
ex-boyfriend.
356
00:10:48,691 --> 00:10:49,910
Wait, how far ex?
357
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,652
Roughly 20 years.
358
00:10:52,782 --> 00:10:53,653
Oh, my God.
359
00:10:53,783 --> 00:10:55,219
Is -- Is it possible?
What does Gloria say?
360
00:10:55,350 --> 00:10:56,612
She hasn't even
seen him yet.
361
00:10:56,743 --> 00:10:58,788
The odd bit is, these two clones
don't see the resemblance.
362
00:10:58,919 --> 00:11:00,964
Maybe she won't either?
I'm not gonna force it on her.
363
00:11:01,095 --> 00:11:02,749
I mean,
it's no easy thing to say
364
00:11:02,879 --> 00:11:04,664
"Is there a chance
you're so dumb
365
00:11:04,794 --> 00:11:06,666
you don't even know
who the father of
your baby is?"
366
00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:08,537
We could do
a DNA test.
367
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:09,930
I could do one
at the lab at school.
368
00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:11,714
And then you would have
a definitive answer.
369
00:11:11,845 --> 00:11:13,150
If it comes back negative,
370
00:11:13,281 --> 00:11:14,674
mm, you don't even really
have to tell Gloria.
371
00:11:14,804 --> 00:11:15,718
Well, what do you need,
saliva?
372
00:11:15,849 --> 00:11:17,372
We take these two
down to the Sizzler,
373
00:11:17,502 --> 00:11:19,679
and you squeegee what you need
off the salad-bar window?
374
00:11:19,809 --> 00:11:21,419
They use hairs now!
375
00:11:24,205 --> 00:11:27,904
"But we hanged Wichita Willy
yesterday," said the sheriff.
376
00:11:28,035 --> 00:11:29,036
"Could he be back
for revenge?"
377
00:11:29,166 --> 00:11:30,167
That's when they looked up
378
00:11:30,298 --> 00:11:32,953
and there was
Wichita Willy,
379
00:11:33,083 --> 00:11:35,172
the noose still
dangling from his neck.
380
00:11:35,303 --> 00:11:36,783
[light switch clicks]
381
00:11:36,913 --> 00:11:41,701
[girls screaming]
382
00:11:41,831 --> 00:11:43,441
Hey, sweetie.
What you guys doing?
383
00:11:43,572 --> 00:11:44,747
Have you heard of
Twice Hung Willy?
384
00:11:44,878 --> 00:11:47,707
Um, yes, I'm familiar
with his films, but --
385
00:11:47,837 --> 00:11:48,795
What are you doing here?
386
00:11:48,925 --> 00:11:50,187
There's something
we forgot to pack for you.
387
00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:51,232
Can -- can I talk to you
for a second?
388
00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:52,450
No. It's girls only.
389
00:11:52,581 --> 00:11:53,974
Yeah, no, but you're
gonna love it.
390
00:11:54,104 --> 00:11:55,149
What is it?
391
00:11:55,279 --> 00:11:57,151
Oh, it's not for you,
Christina.
392
00:11:57,281 --> 00:11:58,500
Uh...
Oh, God.
393
00:11:58,630 --> 00:12:00,415
EMMA: Lily...?
394
00:12:00,545 --> 00:12:02,156
Why does your dad
have a fallopian tube?
395
00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:03,810
[snaps fingers]
That's what it is.
Oh.
396
00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:05,202
What's wrong with you?!
397
00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:06,769
Calm down, okay?
Your father was fiddling
398
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:08,684
with your teacher's
reproductive organ.
399
00:12:08,815 --> 00:12:10,381
BOTH: Oh, my God!
Ms. Wolfe?!
400
00:12:10,512 --> 00:12:11,774
No, ju--
the model on her desk.
401
00:12:11,905 --> 00:12:13,820
And then he put
his finger into it,
402
00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:14,864
and then he couldn't --
403
00:12:14,995 --> 00:12:16,387
Well, now mine's stuck!Okay, let me...
404
00:12:16,518 --> 00:12:17,824
Okay, this is tight.Push your finger
through.
405
00:12:17,954 --> 00:12:19,303
Oh, no.
406
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:20,870
Are they like this
in real life?I don't think so.
407
00:12:21,001 --> 00:12:22,263
This is gross!
408
00:12:22,393 --> 00:12:23,655
No. It's not gross, okay?
409
00:12:23,786 --> 00:12:24,961
Nothing about your body
is gross to us.
410
00:12:25,092 --> 00:12:26,963
Yes. Not your cycles,
not your fluids --
411
00:12:27,094 --> 00:12:29,444
Oh, my God,
just stop talking forever.
412
00:12:29,574 --> 00:12:31,011
Just go!
413
00:12:32,055 --> 00:12:34,405
Oh, well,
that was a disaster.
414
00:12:34,536 --> 00:12:36,494
You know, maybe it's just time
we start to admit
415
00:12:36,625 --> 00:12:37,974
that straight couples
have strengths
416
00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:39,628
that we don't,
you know?
417
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,849
And maybe moms know
more about girls than we do.
418
00:12:42,979 --> 00:12:44,676
Is it time to start
farming some of this
girl stuff out?
419
00:12:44,807 --> 00:12:45,895
Yeah, but to who?
420
00:12:46,026 --> 00:12:47,027
Claire's an over-sharer.
421
00:12:47,157 --> 00:12:49,507
Gloria --
is her body even human?
422
00:12:49,638 --> 00:12:51,205
Haley knows less than Lily.
423
00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:53,250
So who do we go to?
Alex?
I guess.
424
00:12:53,381 --> 00:12:55,557
I mean, it'll be dull,
but it'll be right.
425
00:12:55,687 --> 00:12:58,299
Let's prank call Milo
again.You totally like him.
426
00:12:58,429 --> 00:13:00,910
I do not!
I just want to torture him.
427
00:13:01,041 --> 00:13:02,738
Okay -- so, see,
are we supposed to hear
something like that
428
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:03,739
and say nothing?Yes, we are.
429
00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:04,827
Come on.
Okay, hi.
430
00:13:04,958 --> 00:13:06,524
If you want to get
a boy's attention,
431
00:13:06,655 --> 00:13:09,353
you know, a prank call
is probably not the move.
432
00:13:09,484 --> 00:13:10,746
Dad!
433
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:12,095
Cam, this is not our place.
But he's not wrong.
434
00:13:12,226 --> 00:13:13,705
I just like
to make him mad!
435
00:13:13,836 --> 00:13:15,229
Yeah, well,
we just thought you liked him
436
00:13:15,359 --> 00:13:16,273
and you wanted to know
437
00:13:16,404 --> 00:13:17,318
the best way
to get his attention,
438
00:13:17,448 --> 00:13:18,319
but apparently not.
439
00:13:18,449 --> 00:13:19,320
So good night.
440
00:13:19,450 --> 00:13:20,887
ALL: Wait!
441
00:13:21,017 --> 00:13:22,366
Okay.
442
00:13:22,497 --> 00:13:24,499
MITCHELL: Okay, so,
who's Milo's best friend?Barrett.
443
00:13:24,629 --> 00:13:26,806
Okay, you're gonna text Milo,
"You're hilarious!
444
00:13:26,936 --> 00:13:29,896
Crying-laughing face,
and winky face emoji."
445
00:13:30,026 --> 00:13:30,810
Then wait a beat.
446
00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:32,463
Then you're gonna
text back,
447
00:13:32,594 --> 00:13:33,725
"Oops, sorry.
That was for Barrett.
448
00:13:33,856 --> 00:13:35,902
Neutral-face emoji
with straight-line mouth."
449
00:13:36,032 --> 00:13:38,992
Oh, my God. Genius.
450
00:13:39,122 --> 00:13:40,950
Wow,
I've never seen her smile.
451
00:13:41,081 --> 00:13:42,038
[cellphone dings]Dudes!
452
00:13:42,169 --> 00:13:43,561
Milo just
texted me back.
453
00:13:43,692 --> 00:13:44,998
Okay, what'd he say?
454
00:13:45,128 --> 00:13:45,955
"You're a jerk.
455
00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:47,565
Winky eye face
with the tongue hanging out."
456
00:13:47,696 --> 00:13:50,003
Oh, you're in.
You're in.Oh! Yeah.
457
00:13:50,133 --> 00:13:51,918
Do not text him back,
okay?
458
00:13:52,048 --> 00:13:53,093
But when you see him
on Monday,
459
00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:55,095
walk right past him
and throw him a quick...
460
00:13:55,225 --> 00:13:56,270
"Hey."
461
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,054
ALL: Hey.
Yes!
462
00:13:58,185 --> 00:13:58,968
All right,
you girls got it from here.
463
00:13:59,099 --> 00:14:00,361
We have
a dinner reservation.
464
00:14:00,491 --> 00:14:02,754
Hey, I saw what
you put in the bag.
465
00:14:02,885 --> 00:14:03,799
Thanks.
466
00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:05,409
You're welcome, sweetie.
And we love you.
467
00:14:05,540 --> 00:14:07,498
Are you gonna be this cool
when I like a boy?
468
00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:10,023
Oh, no. No.No. Not a chance.
469
00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:17,073
[hushed voice]
Good, you're home.One second.
470
00:14:17,204 --> 00:14:19,293
Papi, you look great
in that new shirt!
471
00:14:19,423 --> 00:14:22,949
So handsome![chuckling] Gloria!
472
00:14:23,079 --> 00:14:23,993
Oh.
473
00:14:24,124 --> 00:14:24,994
I thought you were Manny.
474
00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:26,953
Good. You're caught up now.
475
00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:29,172
I know I put on a few,
but they don't take you
476
00:14:29,303 --> 00:14:31,435
seriously as an opera singer
when you're too skinny.
477
00:14:31,566 --> 00:14:34,047
Do you know what happens
when the thin lady sings?
478
00:14:34,177 --> 00:14:35,396
The show
just keeps going.
479
00:14:35,526 --> 00:14:38,051
It's so wonderful
to see you.
480
00:14:38,181 --> 00:14:39,661
I -- I'm gonna go
and open a bottle of wine.
481
00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:41,097
[chuckles nervously]
482
00:14:44,405 --> 00:14:47,408
Do you think
that Jorge could be...?
483
00:14:47,538 --> 00:14:49,105
Jorge mentioned
you bounced around
484
00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:49,976
between him and Javier.
485
00:14:50,106 --> 00:14:53,022
How much bouncing
did you do?
486
00:14:53,153 --> 00:14:55,633
Technically,
it's possible.
487
00:14:55,764 --> 00:14:57,070
Oh, my God.
488
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,333
How is Manny
going to handle this?Not great.
489
00:14:59,463 --> 00:15:01,901
You know he doesn't respond well
to surprises.
490
00:15:02,031 --> 00:15:03,032
Remember how upset he got
491
00:15:03,163 --> 00:15:04,468
when he found out
those mashed potatoes
492
00:15:04,599 --> 00:15:05,992
were really just
whipped cauliflower?
493
00:15:06,122 --> 00:15:08,690
What are we going to do?[door opens]
494
00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:10,083
ALEX:
Okay, Grandpa, I got --
495
00:15:10,213 --> 00:15:11,214
Oh, Gloria, you're here.
496
00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:14,043
What do you bring with you,
besides that guilty look?
497
00:15:14,174 --> 00:15:17,046
Okay, in order to get
a definitive answer,
498
00:15:17,177 --> 00:15:20,049
I had Alex
perform a DNA test.
499
00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:21,485
You got them both
to spit?
500
00:15:21,616 --> 00:15:23,400
They use hair now.Eugh.
501
00:15:23,531 --> 00:15:25,837
Hey, lotion's
on the sink, Jorge.
502
00:15:25,968 --> 00:15:27,056
Hey, turns out
I'm not the only one
503
00:15:27,187 --> 00:15:30,103
who suffers
from dry navel.
504
00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:31,843
Uh, Alex, why do you
have a medical form
505
00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:33,019
with my name on it?
506
00:15:34,237 --> 00:15:37,588
I don't think I should be
the one to explain this.
507
00:15:40,287 --> 00:15:42,158
Manny...as you know,
508
00:15:42,289 --> 00:15:45,031
your mother and Jorge
had a relationship.
509
00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:46,249
You're a lot alike,
510
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:48,686
and it made us curious
as to whether...
511
00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:51,037
Uh, are --
are you saying --
512
00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:52,690
This is a DNA test.
513
00:15:52,821 --> 00:15:55,258
Your mom didn't even find out
until today.
514
00:15:55,389 --> 00:15:58,044
[scoffs] So -- I--
515
00:15:58,174 --> 00:16:00,829
I -- I don't even know
how to react.
516
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,701
So my whole childhood
was a lie?
517
00:16:03,832 --> 00:16:05,007
I thought Javier
was my dad.
518
00:16:05,138 --> 00:16:07,444
Now he's just some stranger
who gave me baths?
519
00:16:07,575 --> 00:16:08,880
Listen, buddy.
520
00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:10,752
It's not who brings you
into the world.
521
00:16:10,882 --> 00:16:12,623
It's what you do
when you're there.
522
00:16:12,754 --> 00:16:13,885
You're not Javier.
523
00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:15,191
You're not this guy.
You're you.
524
00:16:15,322 --> 00:16:16,932
And what you are
is amazing.
525
00:16:17,063 --> 00:16:17,977
And for the record,
526
00:16:18,107 --> 00:16:19,674
I've been your dad
since you were 10,
527
00:16:19,804 --> 00:16:22,894
and I'm gonna be your dad
until I'm gone.
528
00:16:23,025 --> 00:16:25,506
[voice breaking] I love you,
and I always will.
529
00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:27,073
[voice breaking]
I love you too, Jay.
530
00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:33,296
[laughing]
531
00:16:33,427 --> 00:16:36,082
Ha! April Fool's!
532
00:16:36,212 --> 00:16:39,781
Now who doesn't
understand a joke?!
533
00:16:39,911 --> 00:16:40,956
What?
534
00:16:41,087 --> 00:16:43,002
I never dated Jorge!
535
00:16:43,132 --> 00:16:45,221
He's the butcher
at the grocery store!
536
00:16:45,352 --> 00:16:47,658
I just thought
that he looked like Manny!
537
00:16:47,789 --> 00:16:50,139
[laughs]Why would you do that?
538
00:16:50,270 --> 00:16:53,273
Because you said
that I didn't understand funny.
539
00:16:53,403 --> 00:16:55,492
I didn't know you were going
to take the prank this far.
540
00:16:55,623 --> 00:16:57,190
You made Grandpa cry.
541
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:58,017
I know!
542
00:16:58,147 --> 00:16:59,018
He was like,
543
00:16:59,148 --> 00:17:03,022
"I love you
and I always will."
544
00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:05,111
[laughs]
545
00:17:05,241 --> 00:17:06,068
Okay, look, I'm out.
546
00:17:06,199 --> 00:17:07,504
Uh, I used to raise veal,
547
00:17:07,635 --> 00:17:09,898
and this has to be
the cruelest thing
548
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,552
I've ever been
a part of.
549
00:17:11,682 --> 00:17:14,250
[laughing]
550
00:17:14,381 --> 00:17:15,469
Okay, almost there...
almost there...
551
00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:17,166
Hang on. One second.
552
00:17:17,297 --> 00:17:19,821
Claire's gift
involved a blindfold
553
00:17:19,951 --> 00:17:21,127
and a second location --
554
00:17:21,257 --> 00:17:22,563
showmanship
of the highest order.
555
00:17:22,693 --> 00:17:25,000
To make things worse,
the clock ran out on me.
556
00:17:25,131 --> 00:17:26,045
My gift...
557
00:17:27,394 --> 00:17:28,743
I settled...
558
00:17:29,961 --> 00:17:31,311
I can't even
say it out loud.
559
00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:33,617
And...
560
00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:34,749
Ta-da!
561
00:17:34,879 --> 00:17:35,706
PHIL: Oh, my God.
562
00:17:35,837 --> 00:17:37,317
[squeals]Our old apartment.
563
00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:38,796
I know.
564
00:17:38,927 --> 00:17:41,756
I was noodling around on Airbnb
a couple of weeks ago
565
00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:44,193
and it was just right there
listed.
566
00:17:44,324 --> 00:17:46,282
Unbelievable.
567
00:17:46,413 --> 00:17:48,023
It's $85 for the night,
568
00:17:48,154 --> 00:17:50,286
$6 for our old favorite
Arizona fish sticks,
569
00:17:50,417 --> 00:17:53,072
which you will smell
warming right now...[chuckles]
570
00:17:53,202 --> 00:17:56,205
...$3 for the "Forget Paris"
rental.
571
00:17:56,336 --> 00:17:59,730
Aw, you even found cans of
the wine we used to like.
572
00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:01,515
You completely nailed it.
573
00:18:01,645 --> 00:18:03,082
I know. I really did!
574
00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:04,257
I did! I did!
575
00:18:04,387 --> 00:18:06,389
And it was
the first time ever.
576
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:07,608
And...[sighs]
577
00:18:07,738 --> 00:18:09,305
I really want
this feeling to last.
578
00:18:09,436 --> 00:18:10,393
Would it be weird
if I asked you
579
00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:12,178
not to give me your gift
until tomorrow?
580
00:18:12,308 --> 00:18:14,005
You got it.
Yes!
581
00:18:14,136 --> 00:18:15,311
In fact, I might, uh --
582
00:18:15,442 --> 00:18:17,139
I might sneak off
and trade this in
583
00:18:17,270 --> 00:18:18,880
for something
really terrible
584
00:18:19,010 --> 00:18:20,142
just to seal
your victory.
585
00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:21,448
All right.
586
00:18:21,578 --> 00:18:23,798
Now let's get this party
started.
587
00:18:24,581 --> 00:18:25,887
No.
Mm.
588
00:18:26,017 --> 00:18:27,584
The old mixtape
I made you?
Mm-hmm.
589
00:18:27,715 --> 00:18:31,110
Oh, yeah.
"Songs in the key of Phil."
590
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:32,676
Oh, no!
Oh. Oh.
591
00:18:32,807 --> 00:18:34,548
Aw, no.
Wait, hang out.
592
00:18:34,678 --> 00:18:36,332
It's not going back in.You know what?
593
00:18:36,463 --> 00:18:38,334
Sometimes it's nice
to not have music.
594
00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:40,206
[electronic music
plays in distance]
595
00:18:40,336 --> 00:18:42,469
Well, I'm not listening to that
all night.
596
00:18:42,599 --> 00:18:43,774
Oh.
597
00:18:43,905 --> 00:18:47,474
I wonder if the old
intercom system still works.
598
00:18:47,604 --> 00:18:49,171
Oh, yeah!
599
00:18:49,302 --> 00:18:50,346
Yeah.
600
00:18:50,477 --> 00:18:51,260
Give it to 'em.
601
00:18:51,391 --> 00:18:53,697
Tell 'em how I feel.[chuckles]
602
00:18:53,828 --> 00:18:54,829
[pipe clanging]
603
00:18:54,959 --> 00:18:55,917
Hey!
604
00:18:56,047 --> 00:18:57,266
[clanging continues]
605
00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:58,354
[laughs]
Hey! Ahh!
606
00:18:58,485 --> 00:18:59,399
Oh, my God!Oh, oh, oh!
607
00:18:59,529 --> 00:19:01,923
It's okay! Okay.
No need to be alarmed.
608
00:19:02,053 --> 00:19:03,185
[fire alarm sounds]
609
00:19:03,316 --> 00:19:05,492
Oh, no,
not the fish sticks!Okay...
610
00:19:05,622 --> 00:19:07,189
[alarm continues]
611
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:08,712
Oh, oh, Phil?
612
00:19:08,843 --> 00:19:11,280
Open the window,
and it'll stop the alarm!
613
00:19:11,411 --> 00:19:13,369
[alarm continues]
614
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:14,240
Oh, God!
Whoa!
615
00:19:14,370 --> 00:19:15,458
Oh, God!Oh, it's okay!
616
00:19:15,589 --> 00:19:17,243
Phil! Phil!Oh! I got you!
617
00:19:17,373 --> 00:19:19,245
Okay --I got you!
618
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:20,246
Oh, God.[grunts]
619
00:19:20,376 --> 00:19:21,725
Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
620
00:19:21,856 --> 00:19:22,900
Oh, God. Oh, God.
621
00:19:23,031 --> 00:19:23,901
Waah!
622
00:19:24,032 --> 00:19:25,164
Wine is flammable?!
623
00:19:25,294 --> 00:19:26,687
No! But that is!
624
00:19:26,817 --> 00:19:28,036
[groans]
Oh, God.
625
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,820
Ahh-- Ohh--
626
00:19:29,951 --> 00:19:31,474
[raccoons chittering]
627
00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:33,041
Raccoons!
628
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,738
Oh, for God's sake, Phil,
just swear like an adult.
629
00:19:34,869 --> 00:19:36,044
No!
630
00:19:36,479 --> 00:19:38,960
Part of me always knew
this is how I was gonna go out.
631
00:19:39,090 --> 00:19:41,658
In a wine fire
surrounded by raccoons?
632
00:19:41,789 --> 00:19:42,703
Wait.
633
00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:47,098
[alarm continues]
634
00:19:47,229 --> 00:19:48,230
What is that?
635
00:19:48,361 --> 00:19:51,320
[water sprays lightly]
636
00:19:51,451 --> 00:19:52,234
Oh, my goodness.
637
00:19:52,365 --> 00:19:53,453
Oh, yes.
638
00:19:54,497 --> 00:19:56,238
What -- what is this?
639
00:19:56,369 --> 00:19:57,631
[alarm continues]
640
00:19:57,761 --> 00:19:58,893
Ohh--
641
00:19:59,894 --> 00:20:01,156
Ahh!
642
00:20:01,287 --> 00:20:02,157
Oh, yes!
643
00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:03,550
Yeh-ha! Yah!
644
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:04,551
Yah! Yah!
645
00:20:04,681 --> 00:20:06,683
Yeah! Get out!You shut your mouth!
646
00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:08,511
[alarm stops]Oh, yeah!
647
00:20:08,642 --> 00:20:11,384
And since the neighbors
can't take a hint.
648
00:20:11,645 --> 00:20:12,689
Oh!
649
00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:14,735
That was amazing.
650
00:20:14,865 --> 00:20:15,518
My dear,
651
00:20:15,649 --> 00:20:18,913
nothing but the best
for you...
652
00:20:19,043 --> 00:20:19,914
[whirs]
653
00:20:20,044 --> 00:20:21,263
...on our anniversary.
654
00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:23,309
[whirring stops]Now...
655
00:20:24,527 --> 00:20:26,268
[soft music plays on radio]...where were we?
656
00:20:26,399 --> 00:20:27,269
Okay.
657
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,402
[music continues]
658
00:20:29,532 --> 00:20:31,534
Oh.
659
00:20:31,665 --> 00:20:32,666
[exhales sharply]
660
00:20:32,796 --> 00:20:34,494
[music continues]
661
00:20:34,624 --> 00:20:36,147
May I have this dance?
662
00:20:36,278 --> 00:20:38,193
♪ You're all I want
in my life ♪
Yes.
663
00:20:38,324 --> 00:20:39,760
Oh...
664
00:20:39,890 --> 00:20:42,197
I am the luckiest girl
in the world.
665
00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:43,416
Shh.
Mm.
666
00:20:43,546 --> 00:20:46,245
Did you get me a mop
for our --?
Shh.
667
00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:49,509
[music continues]
668
00:20:52,338 --> 00:20:53,426
Come on.
669
00:20:53,556 --> 00:20:54,427
Honey, what happened?
670
00:20:54,557 --> 00:20:55,384
I spilled some milk.
671
00:20:55,515 --> 00:20:58,518
Apparently the only thing
this mop can't do is mop.
672
00:20:58,648 --> 00:21:00,520
Well, there's no use
crying over it.
673
00:21:00,650 --> 00:21:01,999
Just call them
and complain.
674
00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:03,044
Oh, you're right.
675
00:21:03,174 --> 00:21:04,393
[mop ringing]
676
00:21:04,524 --> 00:21:05,612
WOMAN: This is your
emergency moperator.
677
00:21:05,742 --> 00:21:06,787
How can I help?
678
00:21:06,917 --> 00:21:10,486
The -- the mop function
on my mop isn't working.
679
00:21:10,617 --> 00:21:11,748
I'm sorry to hear that.
680
00:21:11,879 --> 00:21:13,707
I'm going to go ahead
and do a remote reset,
681
00:21:13,837 --> 00:21:15,752
so you may notice that your mop gets extremely hot.
682
00:21:15,883 --> 00:21:16,753
Oh.
Oh.
683
00:21:16,884 --> 00:21:17,972
Uh -- should I...?
684
00:21:18,146 --> 00:21:19,365
I'm kidding.
685
00:21:19,495 --> 00:21:21,454
Oh. [laughs]Good one, moperator.
686
00:21:21,584 --> 00:21:23,020
You should've seen
his face.
687
00:21:23,151 --> 00:21:25,022
I did.
You're an adorable couple.
688
00:21:25,153 --> 00:21:26,546
Get rid of it.Oh, my God.
44783
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