Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Roger, Boston tower.

This is Nevada 121 Papa Papa on final approach.

Oh, man. This is great,

flying to Boston to see Springsteen in concert.

Springsteen! Bruce!

The Boss!

Oh, man! We owe it all to Lowell.

He is the man that snaked those tickets.

That's right. That's right.

It's not often somebody's willing to pay scalpers' prices.

But this is to see Springsteen!

Bruce!

The Boss!

Oh.

Hottest tickets in town. We're in the fourth row.

Can you believe it?

Hey, think he'll dance with me, Joe?

Well, maybe. After all, we are talking about--

Springsteen! Bruce!

You guys remember at Helen's counter

when you told me to take out the tickets

and make sure I had them?

Aeromass Flight 19 to Boston is now boarding.

Springsteen! Bruce!

The Boss!

( upbeat theme playing )

Please.

She only went out with you 'cause she pities you.

Listen, Joe, I've gotten many things in my life out of pity.

Doesn't make them any less pleasurable.

BRIAN: Oh, God.

( gags ): Oh, God.

God. Just-- Just go in the office.

Go in the office. Just go in. Why?

BRIAN: Don't even ask. Don't-- JOE: Oh, my God. No, Fay--

Don't look over there. W-what's going on?

Roy's not cleaning his ears again, is he?

Worse. Fay, do you remember that incredibly irritating old man

who conned us into flying cross-country?

The one who asks all the annoying questions?

Carlton Blanchard's sitting right over there.

Can I ask you a question?

"For Pete's sake," uh,

"for the love of Mike,"

"heavens to Betsy,"

who are all these people?

( chuckles ): Hey, Carlton.

Carlton Blanchard.

Hey, you guys, it's Carlton Blanchard.

Ah, heh-heh, great. Now he's coming over here.

Joe, fire Lowell. Okay.

Howdy-do, fellas. Hey.

Miss Cochran.

I haven't seen you boys since we took our trip.

A lot of memories, huh?

Yes, but if I drink enough and leave a light on,

I can almost sleep through the night.

That brings up an interesting question.

If you have a nightmare

during the day,

what do you call it?

I'll let you know as soon as this one's over.

Aeromass flight 12 from New York

is now arriving at Gate 1.

Hot diggity. That's my son's flight.

You're meeting your son here. Oh, yes.

I'm very excited. He so rarely visits.

Well, go figure.

Ah, what a great day.

I found my grandfather's ring that I thought I had lost,

my first fare gives me a $50 tip,

and a beautiful woman asks me for my phone number.

Nothing, nothing can go wrong for Antonio this day.

Hey there, Angelo.

He's back.

Oh, my God.

( chuckles )

Oh, my God.

Roy, I got five out of six numbers on the lottery.

D-do you know what this means?

I won $25,000.

Good for you. Now get back to work.

I don't think so. Not today, big boy.

'Cause today I've got 25,000 presidents in my pocket

who've all been dying to say something to you

for a long time.

You're over-bearing.

You're obnoxious.

You're rude. That's last week's paper.

But overshadowing it all

is your generous, forgiving nature.

Why, if you were a woman,

I'd kiss you on the lips.

Heh-heh. But ain't nobody makin' that mistake.

Oh, Mr. Blanchard. Hi, how are you?

Oh, tired and in constant pain.

Thanks for asking.

Where's your son?

He couldn't make it.

Guess he's too busy to celebrate his old dad's birthday.

Oh, I-I'm sorry. Oh, I'm used to it.

He didn't even have time to come to visit me

when I had my bypass surgery.

You mean someone saved his life on purpose?

Well, it's only my 70th birthday.

It's not exactly a milestone.

I guess I'll just go home

and shove a candle in a cupcake.

Are you gonna be all alone?

Same as every year.

Bye.

You know what we should do?

We should throw him a birthday party.

No, no, Helen. Oh, no. No.

Helen, don't. Don't. No. You have no idea.

I cannot believe how selfish you're all being.

I mean, it's his 70th birthday.

Who knows if he'll make it to 71?

Yes. Who knows?

Uh, I'll go, Helen.

Thank you, Fay. Lowell, how about you?

Absolutely. I like him.

Antonio? ( sighs )

Couldn't I just sign the card?

All right.

Good.

Guys?

Well...

I'll go if Brian does.

Yeah, okay. I'll go.

What? I only said that

because I thought you wouldn't go.

I gave you the signal and everything.

( upbeat theme playing )

Boy. It's hard to believe that Carlton's turning 70.

Phew. Can you imagine all he's lived through?

1920s.

1930s.

1940s.

Lowell.

'50s.

'60s. Lowell.

'70s, '80s, '90s.

Okay, everybody, here they come. Uh, quiet.

HELEN: I told you I don't know.

Well, think about it.

If it's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

ALL: Surprise!

Jiminy Cricket.

You nearly scared me to death.

Perhaps he could enter again so we could get it right.

What are you people doing here?

Well, we're here to celebrate your birthday.

A birthday party?

Oh, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Where are the presents?

Well, we threw it together so fast

we really didn't have a chance to get you any.

You had time to get balloons.

So happy birthday, Carlton.

It's good to see you again.

Who are you, anyway?

I'm Lowell. Lowell Mather.

Mather, Mather.

Would you by any chance

be related to Jeanette Mather?

Uh, yeah, she's my great aunt.

Do you know her?

Oh, I practically married her.

But you know what they say.

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

( laughs )

( upbeat theme playing )

That's seventeen questions.

Three more to go.

Was he married?

Yes.

Two more to go.

Is it my turn? Yes.

One more to go.

( sighs ): All right.

Uh, was this person a politician?

No.

That's twenty questions.

I win!

Okay, who was it?

Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

But when-- When-- When-- When-- When-- When--

When Brian asked you if he was a politician,

you said no.

Well, I was afraid that would give it away.

Uh, Helen, don't you have to get up early tomorrow to do that,

uh, uh, thing that you have to do tomorrow?

Little thing... What? The thing...

Oh, the thing that I have to do tomorrow?

Yeah, uh, boy, we'd better call it a night.

I've got this thing. Oh, yeah.

Oh, the party's over already?

I've hardly had any excitement.

( gasps ) How's that?

( laughs ): Well...

Okay, you bunch of party poopers.

But, uh, I've got to visit

the little birthday boy's room before I go.

Okay, it's upstairs.

Oh, that's convenient.

Hey. What are you all doing?

Ditching the old man while his pants are down.

Wait.

It's dark up here. Where's the light switch?

It's on the wall.

You can't leave me here alone with him.

I don't see it.

( thumping ) Aaaagh!

( groaning )

Well, happy birthday, Carlton.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh.

My ankle really, really hurts.

Yeah, well, you heard what the doctor said.

It's just a mild sprain.

In a couple days you'll be as good as...

You'll be your old self again.

Okay. Let's get you home.

Well, my leg feels

like hot pins are going into it.

And I'm very thirsty.

Okay. I'll just get you something to drink first.

I think I have some grape juice.

Actually I'm allergic to that.

Okay. How about some diet soda?

Oh, carbonation doesn't agree with me.

Milk?

Ah!

I am lactose intolerant.

I had a terrible time at my mother's breast.

Oh, God. I just pictured that.

Ow!

Look, Carlton, I really think you should call your son

so he can come home and take care of you.

He's too busy with his fancy New York law firm.

Besides, he'd take one look at this,

and he'd smell a lawsuit.

A lawsuit?

Well, I did fall on your property,

in front of five witnesses.

Carlton, you'd take me to court?

Not me, my son, Carlton Jr.

Believe me, I'm not proud of that barracuda

that sprang from these loins.

And just when I got the picture of you breast-feeding

out of my mind.

Look, um, why don't you stay here for the night?

Well, if you insist.

But I don't want to be an inconvenience.

Oh, no, you won't be an inconvenience.

I'll just make the sofa for you.

Oh, so you get the good bed?

Well, it's upstairs.

Oh, that's right,

and you'd have to carry me up. Hm.

The couch will be fine.

( upbeat theme playing )

A week, Joe. A week.

The doctor said he was supposed to be

on his feet after two days,

and he's still on his back after a week.

This guy's driving me nuts.

The house is always too cold.

He needs his food cut in tiny little bite-size pieces.

Oh, and don't get me started on those questions.

( imitating Carlton ): "Why do you suppose this?

And why do you suppose that?"

Here's a radical suggestion.

Why don't you just ship him home to his family?

I can't. If his son finds out

that Carlton fell on my property,

he'll sue me for everything I've got.

I could lose this lunch counter.

That would be a good name for this place,

"The Lose-Your-Lunch Counter."

( beeping )

Carlton, leave me alone.

Oh, he got you a beeper?

He wanted to reach me in case of an emergency.

All right, what is it, Carlton?

( chuckles )

No, now I don't think this is an emergency.

Okay. I'll get you some on the way home.

All right. Bye-bye.

How much trail mix can one man eat?

I'm really losing my mind here. You guys have got to help me.

I just can't do it by myself. Please.

You see, I... Well, how could I...

( muttering )

I don't believe this.

If any of you needed anything, I'm always there for you.

I ask for one simple favor,

and you act like I'm asking for your kidney.

That you could have.

Fine.

Oh, wait a minute, Helen.

Uh, I can help out.

All right. Thank you, Fay.

Uh, and I just drive around all day in my cab,

so I suppose I could run an errand or two.

Thank you, Antonio.

Well, I don't know what more you expect from me.

I went over there last night and gave old Carlton a sponge bath.

No, you didn't.

You're at 614 Elm, right?

No, I'm at 612 Elm.

Whew. Okay, what about you guys?

Are you gonna help me?

Well, uh...

I'll do it if you will.

Um, yeah, okay. I'll do it.

Damn it! You missed my signal again.

W-we need a new system. This isn't working at all.

( upbeat theme playing )

What is this?

Well, that couch of yours is like a rock.

So I rented this for a month.

( sighs )

They'll bill you.

( phone ringing )

I'm not here.

Fay, watch him.

( chuckles ): Hello.

Hello.

Empty!

Empty!

Why are you doing that?

It's annoying.

Oh, that's right. You're new.

That's my signal to indicate that my glass is empty.

Well, Carlton, the pitcher's right here.

Empty!

Okay. Okay.

Oh, thanks.

And, uh, one favor, please.

Would you mind cranking me up a little?

All right.

( chuckles )

You thought I meant the bed.

You realize I could snap you like a twig.

Tease, tease, tease.

That's it. I'm out of here.

Where did Fay go?

All right, what'd you say to her? Nothing.

One minute she's fine,

the next minute she's bitter as a pill.

Which reminds me,

my ankle is beginning to throb.

Well, take your pill.

I'd love to but, heh-heh...

Empty!

( doorbell rings )

I have the old man's cats.

You didn't ask me if you could bring your cats here, Carlton.

I can't bear the thought of my little pussy-wussies

being left all alone.

Well, see ya. No, Antonio, listen.

I've got to go run some errands,

and he doesn't like to be alone at night.

I-I already brought the cats.

Look, Jake, you owe me.

I married you so immigration

wouldn't kick your butt out of this country.

You equate that with being alone with him?

It's time for somebody to rub my feet.

You're on. See ya.

( sighs )

Please.

( speaking in Italian )

Hurry up.

Ohhh.

That's nice.

Say, Angelo,

do you know the song, "That's Amore"?

Yes.

Well, if the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie,

how do you think a doorknob would feel?

I don't know.

Well, try this.

If we were derived from the kangaroo

instead of the monkey,

do you suppose we'd still need pockets in our pants?

( whimpers ): I don't know.

Well, here's another.

Can a man catch a fungal infection

just by touching a man on his foot?

Ugh!

You disgusting old man.

Hear me now, Blanchard.

If you tell Helen that I left early,

I will track you down and I will kill you.

MAN ( on TV ): As this latest frontal system moves through our area--

( rock music playing on TV )

Antonio, I forgot--

( TV silences )

What are you doing?

Well, I was feeling better

so I thought I'd try to see

if I could actually take a few steps.

You were dancing.

Oh, if only.

You nasty little leprechaun.

I don't believe this. I am so gullible.

They warned me about you, and I didn't believe 'em.

I didn't do any harm.

Oh, you didn't do any harm? I've been scared all week

that your son was gonna drag me into court.

I wouldn't take you to court.

I couldn't.

You see, I, uh, kind of exaggerated

about my son.

Oh, he's not a lawyer, is he?

I don't have a son.

What?

I don't have any children.

That I know of.

( laughs )

Then what were you doing at the airport?

Well, it was my birthday and, uh,

I had such a good time with those fellas--

That you thought you would con us into throwing you a party.

And you faked falling down the stairs.

Oh, no, I did fall down the stairs.

You wanna see the bruises?

Don't you dare.

I'm sorry. Ugh.

But, you see, most people aren't nice to me

unless I pay them

or trick them.

Look, you don't have to do that.

So look, from now on, if you want something from me,

just ask me.

Oh. In that case,

could I stay here a little longer?

I'd rather be thrown naked into a Turkish prison.

Is that a no?

( upbeat theme playing )

All right, Carlton, all your cats are loaded up

and ready to go. All eight of them?

Let's see. One, two, three, four, five, eight.

Yeah, they're all here.

Okay. Bye, Carlton.

Come on, Carlton, let me--

Let me take that. No, no, I--

No, no, please, let me take it. I said, no.

Would you let me--? Oh, fine.

Ow!

It's my hip.

Helen. Oh, no.

You break him, you take him. Helen. Helen.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )