Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Hey, Lowell.

How come you guys always call me Lowell?

That's your name.

I-I know, but I mean,

all the guys that I hang out with

have these really cool nicknames.

May-- Maybe you guys can help me come up with one.

Well, what kind of name do you want?

Well, you know, a nickname should emphasize

your greatest qualities.

At least, you know, that's what Scab O'Neil told me.

Scab?

Yeah, he's had it all his life.

Of course, he just got the nickname a couple years ago.

Well, we'll give it some thought, Lowell.

Hey, my plane needs refueling.

Hop to it, slack-ass.

Hey.

Slack-ass!

I like the ring of that.

( upbeat theme playing )

Whoa, whoa, code pink.

Alex Lambert at 11:00.

Hey, Alex, you're looking really nice today.

Guys.

Sure, she pretends to be aloof.

Did you get that little tingle of frustrated sexual desire?

Yeah, coming from you.

I know, damn it.

I just-- I wish there was some way to get to that woman.

You know, if only I had the-- The key.

The key?

Yeah, yeah. Clue with a key. Secret words.

You know, whatever it takes.

Idea. Got an idea.

Got an idea.

Ow! Ooh! Ooh!

Oh-ho-ho! Ow!

Ow!

What's your problem? Oh, well,

the cold weather brings on this horrific pain

in my shoulders.

It's an old football injury, you know.

Ow! Just--

Just wish there was some way to relieve it, you know.

A back rub or a massage or something like that.

ALEX: Try this.

Bend over... Yeah.

...place your head between your legs,

and then do somersaults until it suddenly gets dark.

I take it we can rule out the sympathy ploy.

Thank you. I would love that.

You want to pick me up here?

Um, how does 8:00 sound?

Well, not as good as, say, 7:30?

Okay. Seven-thirty it is.

MAN: Great. Bye.

My, my. Oh, our little girl dating already.

They grow up so fast.

Seems like only yesterday I was pelting her with snowballs.

( chuckles ) It was yesterday.

Which reminds me, I saved one for you.

You know, that sort of thing is funny

until someone loses an eye.

So, Helen, who was that guy anyway?

Oh, his name's Stan Barlow. I met him this morning.

He's really cute, isn't he?

You just met him and you're already going out with him?

Yeah, I decided to waive

the customary 90-day waiting period.

BRIAN: What's so special about this guy?

Well, if you must know, he's, um, handsome,

he's charming, and...

I don't know. He's sensitive.

Oh, sensitivity.

Men have turned into such wimps.

Helen, you want to freshen this café au lait, please?

I was telling Stan this story about how,

when I was a little girl, my kitten ran away,

and every night I'd put a little saucer of milk out

hoping he would return.

And when I looked up, he had a tear in his eye.

An actual tear.

You know what I call guys like that?

Chicks.

Yeah.

Speaking of interesting pet stories,

did I ever tell you guys the-- About the time

that I put an entire kitten in my mouth?

Okay, I'll ask.

Why?

Well, you know that kids' game

where you see who can put the largest animal

in their mouth?

Well, my cousin Randy put a hamster in his mouth,

so you know, I thought I'd go him one better.

How could you do that?

Y-you just fold their little legs down like a card table,

and then you just--

Oh, my God!

Well, you asked.

JOE: Helen, let me get this straight.

All this guy Stan did was cry

and you agreed to go out with him?

Yes. Believe it or not,

sensitivity in a man is very attractive.

Sensitivity.

I wonder if I should try that with Alex.

Ha! Yeah, you do, you'll end up looking stupid,

laughable and pathetic. Ha!

Go for it.

Grown men crying.

Last time I cried, I was 7 years old.

My mom took me to see Bambi.

Boy, I remember the time I cried.

My parents took me downtown to see ordinary people.

Yeah. That was a sad movie.

What movie?

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, ace.

You wanted to see me about something?

Oh-- Oh, yeah, right. I just wanted to return

that socket wrench I borrowed. It's over on the table.

Right underneath the calendar.

This is a first.

A calendar in an airplane hangar

that doesn't have naked bimbos on it.

Cute kittens. Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that. Right, yeah.

Listen, don't tell anyone about that,

but, uh, I do have a sort of a thing for kitties.

Yeah, I'm more of a dog person myself.

Oh, yeah, actually, I am too. Yeah.

But I've had a hard time ever since I lost Ranger.

He was my first puppy. He ran away when I was 6.

Every night for a whole year after that

I would leave a saucer of... meat out for him.

But, you know, just don't get me talking about that

'cause I'm likely to cry and make a fool out of myself.

You cry?

Well, not in front of people.

I-- I guess I have this dumb guy-thing

about not showing how sensitive I am.

There's nothing wrong with showing your emotions.

It's kind of hard not to when you get me talking about dogs.

I just love 'em.

Really?

It's a side of you I've never seen before.

Well...

Listen-- Oh, I promised myself I wasn't going to do this,

but do you have plans for the weekend?

Nothing I can't cancel.

Great. Uh, could you wait here for a second?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, Joe, time to go over the flight logs.

Uh, no, it isn't. Oh-- Oh, yes, it is.

These are already overdue, and I will not let this slide.

I happen to take great pride in my work and in my dedication

to this company.

Leave right now and you can have the rest of the day off.

Hey, it's not my name on the door.

See you Monday.

ALEX: Are you sure you're free this weekend?

Yeah, I'm all yours.

Great,

'cause I have to go to Boston.

I was just, uh, getting ready to take Chopper to the kennel,

but I thought, you know, you love dogs so much,

I thought maybe... Chopper?

( barking )

I know he looks

like a handful, but he really is a sweetie.

( growls, barks )

If it's an imposition... Uh...

well, uh-- Yeah, if it'll help you out, I...

Terrific. Now, he eats anything you eat

and he'll sleep anywhere.

Oh, uh, he does go a little nuts if he hears a bell ring,

so you may want to take your phone off the hook.

For the whole weekend?

Thanks.

Yeah. Bye.

So, Chopper, just you and me, huh?

Yeah, just the romantic weekend I had in mind.

( phone rings ) ( growls )

JOE: Chopper! No! No--

( Chopper growls, barks ) Joe: Ow! Chopper! Ow!

( Joe shouting indistinctly )

( upbeat theme playing )

Well, still haven't chosen a nickname, Roy.

But I've narrowed it down to the final three.

Tell me what you think.

Turbo.

El conquistador de amore.

And Jerry.

How 'bout just plain "idiot"?

Oh, that's a big help.

Half the guys I know are idiots.

Hey, what's, uh--? What's all this, Roy?

I'm lining up receipts for my tax audit.

You'd think the IRS would have more respect

for an upstanding businessman who's the sole support

of 26 children.

Roy, you don't have 26 children.

What, did you just fall off the tortellini truck?

It's a tax dodge. Everybody does it.

For example, ask me, how's business?

How's business? Congratulations.

You just had your first business lunch.

Now, you pay for my check. You can write it off your taxes.

Yo, Dr. Dolittle.

Been talking to the animals again,

you sensitive guy, you?

What kind of person teaches a dog

that "Here, boy" is an attack command?

Uh, so how was your date with Stan last night?

Ugh! It ended in tears.

Oh, no, what'd he do to you?

No, not my tears.

The man cries at everything.

Last night it was a Marx Brothers movie.

He was sad because Harpo couldn't speak.

I'll tell you what,

there is such a thing as being too sensitive.

Uh, I don't know.

Maybe it's just my upbringing,

but I never allow anyone to see me cry.

Never?

Test me.

Pull a hair out of my nose.

Go ahead.

Well, I've never liked the sensitive type.

I've always liked my men to be men.

Rugged and with the spirit of the Old West.

I like big, barrel-chested men who laugh in the face of danger.

Fay, you just described a rodeo clown.

Yes, I know.

So, uh, I take it you're not planning on seeing anymore

of this Stan guy? Pfft. No way, nohow.

Well, good, because I wasn't going to tell you before,

but I noticed him downtown

having coffee with this incredibly hot redhead.

You're kidding. No.

He was out with another woman?

Pfft.

Who?

Well, you're not jealous, are you?

No, of course I'm not jealous.

Who was she?

Was she prettier than me? Oh, God, I'm losing him.

Jealousy. Interesting.

My ex-wife was terribly jealous.

It started on our honeymoon.

If I so much as looked at another woman,

she'd get up, snatch the binoculars out of my hand,

drag me back to bed.

Hey, Alex, can I--? Can I bother you for a second?

You already have.

( laughs )

Look, um...

( sighs )

We both know that I've been coming on to you a lot lately,

and I-- And I think I owe you an explanation.

This ought to be good.

Well, the truth is,

I've been trying to get you to go out with me

in order to make my girlfriend jealous.

You're kidding. You have a girlfriend?

Yeah.

But she's been-- She's been taking me for granted,

so I thought, you know, I had a stupid idea

that if she saw me with you,

then it would get us back on track.

You're right.

So you-- You'll do it?

No, you're right. It was a stupid idea.

Oh, come on. Come on. Just do this one thing for me.

Just one thing.

It's dumb.

How would she even know I was out with you?

Okay. Okay. She-- She works at the Club Car, okay?

I mean, we could have dinner there one night.

In fact, she's working there tonight,

if you're free.

If I do this, will you finally leave me alone?

Absolutely.

All right.

Just so there's no misunderstanding,

I am only going out with you because I find you disgusting.

You're a true friend.

( mellow theme playing )

Have I told you how incredible you look in that dress,

the little bit of you that's actually in it?

Thank you.

You don't think it's too décolleté?

No. It's just colleté enough.

Well,

to us.

So where is she?

Where's who?

Your girlfriend. You said she worked here.

Mm, mm. Yeah.

She's, uh-- She is... She is, uh--

Oh, she's back there.

She's in the back, way in back.

She's not even looking at us.

Oh, hey, believe me, she sees us.

She has incredible peripheral vision.

First thing that actually attracted me to her.

So enough about her.

Call her over.

Mm...

Yup, we could do that. We could do that.

But I think really the beauty of this plan is the subtlety,

with which we're, you know--

Call her.

Oh, miss!

Miss? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I call her "Miss" for short.

Her pet name is Missy.

Just a second, sir.

( chuckles )

She calls me "Sir" for short.

Her pet name for me is Sirhan.

Missy-- Missy, hey... Yes?

Uh, I just want to thank you for this wine.

It's-- It's just terrific.

Well, good. I'm glad you like it.

( chuckles )

Playing it very cool.

Look, I don't have all night.

Let's get this over with.

We might as well go for it.

Go-- Go for it?

Yeah. If you want to make her jealous,

I should come on to you.

Well, hell, I'm just desperate enough to try anything.

Is it having any effect?

Like you would not believe.

Hey, hey, hey,

you know what would really push her over the edge?

If you were to kiss me. Huh?

All right.

But if this doesn't work, I'm out of here.

Trust me. Trust me. It'll work. It'll work.

Oh, God! What? What?

You ordered the garlic bread.

No, no, no, it's Otto, my ex-boyfriend,

over there by the door.

There's a door behind that guy?

ALEX: I didn't think he was crazy enough

to follow me all the way from Florida.

I gotta check on the entrées--

( chuckling ): Hey.

I knew you were seeing somebody behind my back.

Well, hey, we-- We never said

we weren't allowed to date other people.

Otto, he's not even with me.

He's here with his girlfriend. That's right.

My girlfriend. Hey, baby!

What are you, crazy? Get off me, you creep!

Isn't that just like a woman?

First they tell you you're not affectionate enough.

Once you are, you're a creep.

( chuckling ) Damn it, Otto!

You can't beat up every guy you see me with.

Now, besides, this is not gonna work this time

because this guy is gonna fight back.

No, no, no, that's not true.

I'm not a fighter because one punch,

I fold like origami.

( laughs )

( both laugh )

What--? What's so funny? What? What?

Well, you.

You chickened out just like she said you would.

What?

He's an old buddy of mine from the service.

I asked him to drop by here and shake you up a little.

Oh, no!

Boy, you got me, boy.

I should have guessed the second I heard that--

That stupid, oafish, jarhead name you made up: Otto.

What--? What--? What's your real name?

Otto.

Tell Joe I keep my dental records in my sock drawer.

Do me a favor, slick,

now that you know who you're dealing with, don't.

There he is. That's the guy who grabbed me, right there.

Where do you get off kissing my wife?

Okay, okay, now-- Now, look, listen.

Listen, before you do anything rash,

I think you should know that I haven't filled out

my customer satisfaction card yet.

And you are right on the line, buddy.

( upbeat theme playing )

JOE: Hey, hey.

If it isn't Kid Hackett.

New welterweight chump.

( snickers )

Very funny, Joe. Very funny. You got me.

Here, boy!

( whistles ) ( sighs )

HELEN: Okay, Stan.

That's great. I'll see you tonight, then.

Okay, bye.

So you and Stan did get back together, huh?

Oh, yes, and I'm so glad we did.

Last night he did the most incredibly sexy thing.

He shows up at my house with two bags of groceries--

Helen, if this involves whipped cream and a gravy boat,

it's been done before.

He cooked me dinner.

You guys have no idea what kind of effect that is on a woman.

But it wasn't just dinner.

At the end of the evening, he did something for me

that no man has ever done.

Yeah?

The dishes.

Now, that is great. Why didn't I think of that?

I'm gonna go to Alex's and cook her dinner.

You gotta sneak Lowell in and have him cook.

No, wait, I'll fly to Boston

and get some gourmet entrées from La Trouvaille.

Oh, yeah! That'll work!

And when she asks for seconds,

what are you gonna do, fly to Boston?

What are you gonna do? Keep Lowell curled up under the sink?

He's done it before.

Hold it, hold it, this is stupid.

Aw, now, it's a little offbeat.

Well, if you want to go through with this, be my guest.

But I'm-- I'm done. I'm out of it.

Alex sees through all this stuff,

and I'm tired of looking like a fool.

You know what? I'm gonna sit to have a talk to her.

Just gonna see if maybe we can't start all over again.

You're not going without me.

No, I am not talking about a scam.

No, I know, I know.

Maybe I want to start over again with her too.

All right. If you wanna come with me,

you have to understand this is just talking.

Okay. No plans. No lies.

Just honest, adult conversation. All right. All right.

( scoffs )

Honesty.

To think it's come to this.

( mellow theme playing )

( indistinct chatter )

Okay, guys,

I said I'd be here and I'm here.

You want to tell me what all this is about?

Well, we just don't feel our relationship with you

is working.

That's right. It's been going on for a little while

and we'd just like to know where we stand.

What?

We want to make this work,

but a relationship is a two-way street.

BRIAN: That's right. That's right.

Now, on our part, we may have been too pushy,

too juvenile, too devious.

I can't disagree with that.

Okay, but on your part,

if you don't fall for any of this stuff,

it's not fun.

What we'd like to do is see if we can establish

a simple friendship, no strings attached.

Why on God's green earth would I believe that?

Well, uh, you know what?

I cannot think of a single reason

why you should believe us.

You know, that's the first time you've said something

that almost sounded sincere.

We can do sincere.

Look, can--? Can we just have dinner,

see if we can get to know each other a little better?

BRIAN: If I'm not mistaken,

you might find that we're actually not bad guys.

There are even people on this island who like and respect us.

Oh, you again.

See?

( mellow theme playing )

So you had to set the plane down in the ocean?

Yup. Yeah, it was pretty scary.

Oh, but I'm sure you had it worse in the service, huh?

Well, there were a few times when I took off

wondering if I'd ever come back alive.

But you know what that's like.

Lowell is your mechanic.

Lowell-- Lowell's great.

I mean, there's-- There's nothing

that he doesn't know about an airplane engine.

It's true. On the other hand,

you can make him run away screaming if you do this.

( laughs )

We made her laugh, Joe. Ah, see?

We're not total idiots, you know.

I never said you were.

As a matter of fact, there are things I like about both of you.

But I certainly couldn't have said that before now.

I didn't want to encourage you.

Yeah, that's understood. That's understood.

What sort of things?

You want me to tell you?

BOTH: Yeah, why not? Go ahead.

You actually expect me to--? BOTH: Spit it out.

It's no big deal. I can take it.

All right.

Joe's responsible, mature.

I like that in a guy.

And you're spontaneous, a little crazy.

Uh-huh. I like that too.

So I guess what you're saying is that, uh,

we're the perfect guy for you.

I never thought of it that way, but maybe.

I-- I really think what you're saying is that if--

If I was a little more like Joe,

then I would have a shot with you. No, no, no.

What she is saying is that if I were slightly more like you,

then I would have a shot.

All right, I can see where this is headed.

I think we'd just better call it a night.

No, no, no, wait. Come on, sit down.

Come on, let's-- Let's order some tequila shooters

to see where the night takes us.

You know, get kind of crazy.

That is really irresponsible, okay?

We gotta get some sleep. Oh, relax!

Well, it was fun while it lasted.

( speaking indistinctly ) Party.

You know what? Act your age.

JOE: You'll sleep when you're dead.

Let's go! Let's go!

( upbeat piano theme playing )