Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

ANNOUNCER: Last week on Wings:

The Wharf Playhouse is putting on a production

of Phantom of the Oprah.

It's about a deranged ex-producer

of The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Wonder if they need a leading man.

Maybe they have parts for all of us.

That string quartet gig, huh?

I know I kept saying that music was out of my system,

but I was just kidding myself.

I miss it so much, Brian.

I think we should buy Helen...

a new cello.

Where are we gonna get $15,000?

The real point is how many chances do we have

to change a person's life?

( plucks strings )

How could you guys do this to me?

Well...

wire it up, pop a pleated shade on it,

be a darned nice floor lamp.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Okay, uh, let's rehearse the opening number.

Places everyone.

( ragtime music playing ) And five, six, seven, eight.

ALL: Phantom, shantom I don't believe in phantoms

I never have I never shall, not I

I believe in me And that's the thing, you see

That gets me by

That gets me by

You know, I must admit, the first time we did that number,

I was a little skeptical, but now I'm sure. Ha-ha.

We stink on ice.

Where's Helen?

Uh, in her kitchen. ( door closes )

Uh, uh, okay, everybody, remember costume fittings

tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.

Roy? Mm?

Wear underwear.

Helen, come out here. HELEN: Go away.

Helen.

Look, I don't want to talk about this.

Yeah, well, we're going to. What the hell just happened?

I can't accept that cello.

I don't mean to seem ungrateful.

it's just that the last thing I need

is you two taking pity on me.

Oh, Helen, we didn't give it to you out of pity.

We gave it out of friendship.

You don't understand. Come on.

This just sends a message to me

that my life is so pathetic

that you two need to ride in

on your white horses and save me. Oh.

It was just supposed to be a friendly gesture.

A gesture?

I saw that cello. That's a hand-crafted Rumati.

Those sell for almost $12,000.

You only went to one store, didn't you?

Helen. Helen, Helen.

You-- You're taking this all wrong.

Are you-- Are you listening to me? Listen.

You-- For twenty years you were there for us.

Okay, when Joe crashed the plane, you were there for us.

I was on the plane. I had no choice.

Heh. Yeah, but afterwards you did all those nice things

to cheer us up. Like you made those brownies.

Not $12,000 worth of brownies.

( sighs) Fifteen.

God, did you only go to one store?

Helen, look. Look. It would make us happy to give you this.

Let us be there for you, just this once.

I could never pay you back.

I'll tell you what...

Go to that audition... get the job.

We'll call it even.

This is probably the...

most wonderful thing

anybody's ever done for me.

I love you guys.

( sniffles ) Hey, now.

If you don't want to see me cry,

let's just leave it at that. Okay.

( sighs )

( blows nose )

You crying, Joe? Only if you are.

No way. Yeah, me either.

( upbeat theme playing )

( playing cello )

Enough!

Very nice. Very nice indeed.

We'll call you.

Don't wait by the phone.

Are you here to audition? Yes, sir, I am.

Come, come, come, come.

Whoa. Babe alert. I want her.

Shut up, Johnny!

Allow me to introduce our quartet.

I, of course, am Karl Spengler.

Here in black,

she with the laughing eyes...

Miss Lydia Detmeir.

There, on violin, Mr. Johnny

"no relation to the electronics giant" Toshiba.

Now, tell us a little something about yourself.

Oh. Okay, um...

well, I'm originally from Texas--

Too much!

What is your musical background?

( chuckles ): Oh. I see.

Um...

Uh... ( chuckles )

Being up here I feel a little bit

like I'm on a talk show.

Ja. We are forced to share the theater with

a pathetic little acting troupe

putting on a production of Phantom of the Oprah.

( chuckles ): Have you ever heard of anything so stupid?

Yeah, actually, a few of my friends are in it.

Points off.

Continue.

Oh, um, well, uh...

I played in the Sconset High School Chamber Orchestra.

And then, um...

I didn't do much for the next ten years.

And...

finally I was offered second chair

in the Boston Philharmonic.

I mean it, Karl. I really, really want her.

Shut up, Johnny!

You're very pretty.

Do you consider yourself pretty?

Oh. W-well--

Oh, just play,

for God's sake, play.

( plays cello )

MAN: Stop!

Stop this audition.

This-- This is a travesty.

How dare you try to replace me.

Catlow, we have been

over this time and time again.

You were once a valued member of the quartet,

but you are voted out.

Now, shoo. We have work to do.

But-- But I founded this group. Ja.

And at our last performance you wore a tuxedo shirt

and bicycle pants.

We have work to do.

Now get back down to the beach with your metal detector

and find yourself some change.

Spengler...

I promise you,

if I am not in this string quartet,

there will be no string quartet. Mm.

Mm.

You know what, Mr. Spengler,

why don't I just play for you some other time?

Sit!

This is your scheduled appointment.

The fact that I am so angry

my brain is about to explode out of my head

and across the room should be of no concern to you.

Now, play.

( suspenseful theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Morning, Helen. Morning, Fay.

( clattering )

Well, you certainly seem to be in a bad mood.

Uh, luckily, I have some news

that'll cheer you right up.

The woman who was supposed to play Oprah Winfrey in the show

slipped and sprained her ankle,

so now they're giving me her part.

I didn't get picked for the string quartet.

Well, isn't this awkward?

Ha-ha. There she is. Oh.

Oh, the newest member of the Nantucket String Quartet.

Oh, well... Oh, come on, yeah.

Now, now. I had a vision last night.

I just know they're gonna call you

and offer you that quartet gig.

Oh, well, you know, they did call...

See? See. Huh?

And, uh...

they told me I lost the job to someone else.

Oh, honey, I'm really sorry.

I know how much this meant to you.

There's gotta be other groups you can audition for.

Oh, right. I didn't make it in the Nantucket String Quartet.

Where do you go from there?

Down to the docks with a tin cup and a monkey?

Just take the cello, get your money back.

Well, now, Helen, we can't do that.

Absolutely not. We're not gonna

let you give up this easily.

Yeah-- Well, no. I mean, we can't get our money back.

Music store has an exchange-only policy.

What?

You're telling me we have a $15,000 credit

at a music store?

Great. Now we can start that marching band

we've always dreamed of.

Miss Chapel.

Mr. Spengler. What are you doing here?

I have come here to welcome you

as the newest member of the Nantucket String Quartet.

( all cheering )

Oh, wow, you did it. Oh, that is--

When...

you are finished...

We practice tonight, 7:00 sharp.

Oh, Mr. Spengler. I'm a little confused.

Um, I thought you picked somebody else.

We did. But that fell through.

The important thing is you not consider yourself

our second choice.

Oh. No, I wouldn't. Heh.

Good. Because you're our third choice.

( pensive theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( kids laughing )

( hammering loudly )

Lowell. Lowell.

Lowell.

I-- I know you are playing the part of a stagehand,

but...why do you have to rehearse hammering?

Antonio, Antonio.

Might as well ask, why did that actor gain sixty pounds

to play the role of Jake La Motta

in Raging Bull.

De Niro?

Of course it was for the money.

( clapping )

Okay, kids, kids, lots of work to do.

Come on, let's get off our duffs

and make some magic, shall we?

All right. Now we're going to try and put it on its feet,

and then pull it all together.

I hate this man.

All right. Lighting.

Let me see the scary flickering.

Thank you, lighting.

Sound, uh, let me hear the Phantom laugh.

( man laughing )

Thank you, sound.

A-- All right, special effects.

This is where the hundred-pound sandbag

comes crashing to the stage.

I think we can make that effect a little more special.

Let's move on, shall we?

All right, Lowell.

Our Phantom had a dental appointment this afternoon.

How would you like to play the part?

W-would I? Uh, yeah.

I mean, the role I have now a chimp could play.

Uh, what do you want me to do?

Swing in on a rope.

All right. Okay. Okay. Now, Roy.

Yeah? Roy.

Yeah? Roy.

( clears throat ) All right, Roy,

this is where you, as the producer,

are counting us out of a commercial.

And...action.

Not yet, Lowell.

Swing in when I yell

"Action, Phantom."

Okey-dokey.

Roy.

Okay. We're back in five,

four, three, two--

Wait. Let me just stop you, Roy.

You see, just something to remember.

Theater is not down here.

Theater is up here.

Let's try it again.

Okay. We're back in five,

four, three, two--

Oh, yes, that's much better, isn't it?

Let's jump ahead, shall we?

To, uh... Fay's line:

"Bernardo, when did you first realize" dot, dot, dot.

Bernardo. When did you first realize

that you were only attracted to women

who used to be men?

Well, I was in a restaurant.

Uh, I saw this woman at another table.

She was beautiful.

But...there was something else.

I'll say there was.

( women laughing )

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry.

( clears throat )

Continue, Fay. Fay. ( clears throat )

Um, let's hear from the studio audience.

Bernardo, did you ever think maybe that you're confused

about your own sexual identity?

Well, uh, I suppose that's possible.

( piano playing )

Confused

Why am I so confused?

Why can't I be Like other men

Who have no yen

For women Who used to be guys?

Why do I like gals

Who were previously My pals?

Why do I like them?

Tell me why

And applause, applause, applause.

And action, Phantom.

Phantom.

Lowell!

Yeah?

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, Helen. I've been so busy with the play

I haven't thought to ask you how your rehearsals have been going.

Oh, just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

When that bald guy isn't yelling at me in German...

the ghoulish Lydia keeps staring at me

asking me if I think of myself as pretty.

Well, if you're that unhappy,

why don't you just quit?

God, I'd love to.

But I don't wanna disappoint Joe and Brian.

I mean, they went into major debt to buy me that cello.

Oh, Helen. Your friends are here. Oh, God.

ROY: Oh, this must be important.

They're taking a hell of a chance

coming out in the daylight.

Ah, Helen. We have something to tell you.

Yes?

Do you want to tell her? No, you tell her.

I'm much too excited.

We are going on tour.

What?

We travel by van.

Fifty performances in forty-nine days.

It is like a bookmobile,

only we bring classical music

to those who aren't usually exposed to it.

Or want to be. ( laughing )

She has been like this all morning.

( laughing )

I can't stop her.

Oh, you know, that sounds really super.

But, um, you know, I just can't up and leave

my lunch counter here.

I mean, these people need me.

Isn't that right?

No, not really. ( chuckling )

Go enjoy yourself. Send us a postcard.

Listen to him, whoever he is.

Sorry I didn't introduce you.

Thank you.

Come, bubula. We must pack.

We leave right after the concert.

( groans )

Nope, that's it. I've had it.

I'm quitting the string quartet.

Well, I thought you said you couldn't quit

because Joe and Brian gave you that cello.

They could give me a cello, a Steinway,

a Stradivarius and a diamond-studded music stand,

I am not spending the next fifty days

in a van with the Addams family.

I'm telling you, Joe, it's just one of those things

where the minute I saw it, I just knew I had to have it.

Ah, hey, that's beautiful.

Helen's gonna love it.

Helen?

( knock on door )

Guys. There's something I have to tell you.

And there's something that we have to tell you.

Well, why don't you go first. Your news looks bigger.

Yeah, it's not much of a surprise now,

but we got you this dress for your debut performance.

Oh, guys, you didn't have to do that.

Yes, we did. Helen, we're enjoying this.

We want to do it. I'm telling you,

ever since we bought that cello,

it's like we've become,

I don't know, your sponsors, or some--

Yeah, sort of like the way people must feel

when they own a race horse, you know?

You get the excitement of going out to the track,

you bring your friends, watch your horse run,

you grab some of the glory for yourself.

Right, right. So just think of this dress as sort of a--

A, uh, new saddle. Hm.

Well, as flattering as that is to be compared to a horse, I--

Aw, now come on. You know what we mean.

Come on, we're just-- We're proud of you.

Put it on. Try it on.

Here you go. Try it on.

Come on, put your hands through the sleeve. Here we go.

Okay. Oh. There it is.

Oh.

This is so strange.

I never put a dress on a woman before.

Listen, a-as beautiful and everything as this is,

there's something that I have to tell you.

All right.

Right after the concert tonight... Yeah?

I'm going with the quartet on a fifty-city tour.

All right! This is great. We did it.

Oh, we are so proud of you.

You must feel fantastic. Oh, I do. I really do. I'm just--

Well, um, thank you.

And this is such a beautiful dress.

And, uh,

I'll see you after the concert tonight.

Bye, guys. BOTH: Bye.

Oh.

Ah, it-- It's gonna be something seeing her

up on that stage, playing her music, you know. Hm.

You bringing your Walkman? Absolutely. You?

Oh.

( upbeat theme playing )

Just think, tomorrow night we're going to be

up on that very stage

performing Phantom of the Oprah.

Just hope we get this good a crowd.

I just hope they stay a crowd,

and don't turn into an angry mob.

Friends, I have terrible news.

I spoke to our director.

They've canceled Phantom of the Oprah.

Thank God. Oh. What happened?

He said we lost our backers.

Well, how could that be?

They watched our rehearsals yesterday.

And right after, they said they refused to have the name

of Leo's Sludge and Septic associated with such garbage.

Well, I'm so disappointed.

I was born to play Oprah.

I'll never get a chance to play a part like that again.

I know how you must feel, Fay.

There's so few good parts

for black women these days.

Oh.

( applause )

( playing slow classical music )

( applauds ) Bravo. Brav--

That...wasn't the end of the piece.

If you'd all backed me up, it might've been.

CROWD: Shh.

What's going on?

That's exactly what happens in our play.

( man laughing )

( crowd screaming )

Who did this? Who's responsible?

( laughing maniacally )

That happens in our play too.

I think they're trying to rip us off.

It's The Phantom.

What is the meaning of this?

Oh. It's Winston Catlow.

CROWD ( in unison ): Who?

Catlow. Have you gone out of your mind?

I promised you this quartet

would not perform without me.

This is outrageous.

That's it. The performance is over.

Everybody go home.

Giving orders again, I see.

You are a tyrant. I am not a tyrant.

I am Austrian. Drop the curtain.

Well, that was nice.

Should we have a bite to eat on the way home?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( sighs ) Hey.

So ends another chapter

in my brilliant career.

So, w-what happened? What happened?

Well, the quartet officially disbanded.

Spengler's out in the parking lot

mumbling something in German.

Little Johnny's grounded.

And, uh, last I saw,

Lydia was resting comfortably in my cello case.

You can't feel too bad about getting away from those people.

I don't know how you put up with them for so long.

I had to. For you guys.

What?

Well, you know all that stuff

about how proud you were of me?

And buying me this beautiful dress. Oh.

And...telling me I was a horse.

What else was I gonna do?

Well...I-I-I think maybe we just...

got too involved.

No, really. This cello has brought you nothing but trouble.

No. It got me playing again.

And I have you guys to thank for that.

You know, I feel bad though.

You were so excited about hearing me play,

and you didn't get to.

Well... Yeah, sure we did.

You were great. Oh, no, no, no.

That was nothing.

Why don't you take a seat,

and I'll give you a private concert.

Well, that-- That won't be necessary.

Oh, no, I insist.

( plays slow song )

Think she could see us from over there?

Well, it's pretty dark in here.

She always looks at her fingers.

Great.

( upbeat piano theme playing )