Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

You know, last night I noticed on takeoff that there was

a lot less shimmy in the plane.

What'd you do? Change the gap on the plugs?

Yeah, I had Lowell do it yesterday.

That's a very astute observation there, Brian.

Since when have you been using words like "astute"?

What are you talking about?

I use words like "astute" all the time.

Words like "astute," maybe,

but I've never heard "astute"

come out of your mouth in all my life.

Really? I swear to God!

You're kidding. I'm not kidding.

Well, I guess the opportunity

to use it in a sentence never came up before.

Until today. Until today.

Would you two please stop it?!

Just stop it!

Don't you have anything else to talk about?

"This is the first time you've said 'astute.'"

"No, it isn't." "Yes, it is."

"No, it isn't." "Yes, it is."

If you don't stop,

I'm going out to my cab and blow my brains out.

Antonio, how many cups of coffee have you had today?

Seven.

You know, I would really try to cut down a little

if I were you.

I'll try, Joe. Thanks.

Very astute.

( groans )

( upbeat theme playing )

Hi, Fay.

Hi, Brian.

Hey, Brian, how was the flight?

Boring, as usual.

So far the highlight of my day

has been recognizing one of the passengers

from an underwear ad in a magazine.

Really?

JOE: Her?

BRIAN: Him.

It's been one of those days.

FAY: Oh, uh, listen to this, Helen.

"Noted cellist and founder of the Nantucket String Quartet,

"Winston Katlow

has left the group over artistic differences."

I'll be darned. Winston Katlow.

You know, he was my first cello teacher

when I was a little girl.

He used to throw pencils at me whenever I made a mistake.

( chuckles ) No, no, no, it sounds mean,

but it made me a better musician.

It did? Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Take another crack at the meat loaf.

If you ever throw anything at me again,

I will come over there,

put my thumbs up your nostrils

and turn your nose into a hat.

Helen, would you mind making my lunch before you do that?

A-according to the paper,

auditions for the quartet will be held in the near future.

BRIAN: Hey, why don't you go for it, Helen?

ANTONIO: Yes, it sounds perfect for you.

Oh, perfect? That sounds perfect to everyone?

Well, listen up.

My music career ended

when Joe crashed the plane

and my cello sank to the bottom of the Atlantic.

So if anybody else has any bright suggestions,

just keep 'em to yourself.

Well, somebody woke up with a ferret in her trousers.

Oh, listen. This is interesting.

"The Wharf Playhouse is putting on a production

of Phantom of the Opera."

Phantom of the Opera, huh?

Oh, that's a good story.

What--? What is this Phantom of the Opera?

You know, where the disfigured nutjob lives underneath

the Paris Opera House and drives everybody zooey

so this young babe can sing

instead of the fat diva in the helmet.

We'll be right back with Theater Beat

and our host, Alistair Cooke.

Ooh, uh, wait a minute. I read that wrong.

It's Phantom of the Oprah,

a musical by local playwright Ernest Freem.

It's about a deranged ex-producer

of the Oprah Winfrey Show.

"Horribly disfigured

"when a boom mike fell on him,

"he roams the catwalks high above the studio,

waiting to exact his revenge."

I think I'll wait for A Streetcar Named Donahue.

Yeah, it sounds a little weird for my taste.

Ah, you thought South Pacific was weird.

FAY: It says they're gonna hold open auditions on Tuesday.

I'd better start practicing my singing.

I wonder if they need a leading man.

Maybe there are parts for all of us.

FAY: Oh, wouldn't that be exciting?

Oh, I wonder if Lowell knows.

LOWELL: Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa Men have named you

He knows.

( upbeat theme playing )

Come on, Brian. Let's go home.

I'm hungry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, uh--

I've gotta make a pit stop. I'll catch up with you.

All right, but make it quick.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop saying, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Helen.

Brian.

You're smoking a cigarette, Helen.

Yes, I believe I am.

But you don't smoke.

I'm a little upset, okay?

I thought you ate when you were upset.

Honey, I got a whole treasure trove of vices.

So if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get back to

slowly and systematically killing myself.

Well, whatever works for you.

Ever wonder about people

who get exactly what they want out of life?

People like Walt Disney,

Jonas Salk,

and Cher, for that matter.

Well, I don't think of those three as a group usually,

but, uh, I see what you're saying.

At least you know what you want out of life.

( scoffs )

No, really. I'm 31 years old.

I haven't got a clue. I'm as confused as ever.

Confused I can deal with.

It's this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach

that's starting to get on my nerves.

Yeah...

You want that string quartet gig, huh?

I know I kept saying that music was out of my system,

but I was just kidding myself.

I mean, not a day goes by that I don't hear a piece of music

and wonder what it would sound like if I were playing it.

I miss it so much, Brian.

Well, Helen,

what I'm about to say may sound

like it's coming right out of left field, but...

( sighs )

Why don't you just get yourself a cello

and go to the audition?

You don't just get yourself a cello.

A good instrument costs, like, $15,000.

Fifteen thousand dollars?

Man.

I once saw the Three Stooges

sled down a hill on one once.

Can't you just rent a cello?

Sure, if you want one that sounds like

the Three Stooges just slid down a hill on it.

Okay, all right. So how 'bout this?

Why don't you take a second job?

Pfft. Doing what?

Anything, anything.

Yeah, and all you need to do

is save up for a down payment on a cello.

And the monthly payment will be tough for a while,

but, well, on the bright side,

your breasts are huge.

I don't know, Brian.

Auditions are coming up pret-- Brian!

The auditions are coming up pretty soon.

Yeah, with the right job,

you'll be halfway to your down payment

by the end of the month. Maybe, with the right job.

So?

What's stopping you?

Nothing.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it, Brian.

Hey, thanks! Hey, hey!

I come up with a semi-decent idea every now and again.

You know, I'm kind of excited about this.

All I need is a simple job

that pays great,

doesn't require any training,

and that fits in with my schedule.

How hard can that be, huh? Yeah.

Shake a leg, sweet cakes.

It ain't gonna gut itself.

( upbeat theme playing )

Look, doll, I know it's your first night and everything,

but we're not here to build relationships with these things.

You-- You really gotta speed it up.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to get the hang of it.

WOMAN: Don't worry, honey,

you'll get used to it in a couple of years.

Oh, no, I'm not gonna be here that long.

See, there's an audition coming up for the string quartet,

and I'm just trying to save enough money to buy a cello.

Oh.

Betty, you're on sabbatical from,

which is it, Harvard or Yale?

( both laugh )

Hey, who does this look like?

Excuse me?

Who does this look like?

Um, Charlie the Tuna?

No, don't be stupid.

A real person.

Am I missing something here?

Betty collects fish heads that look like famous people.

Ted Koppel.

Look around the eyes.

If you're ever invited to Betty's house--

And this is important.

--never ever go into her den.

You'd better get a move on.

You don't get any points for neatness.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm just not an experienced...

monger like yourself.

It's one thing when you pull it out of the can,

but, I mean, when you look at it

and realize that moments ago it had life and maybe a name--

Doll, there are 12 million fish in here,

and they all got the same story.

"I'm swimming, I'm dead, I'm dinner."

Okay, I did it.

There's my first fish.

Did it all by myself.

The rush of accomplishment doesn't last long, does it?

( clears throat )

Be still my heart.

The lord of the manor approacheth.

Bite it, Doris.

MAN: How's it going, darling?

Oh, it's just goin' great.

I'm just doing really good, getting the hang of it,

startin' to enjoy myself.

Yeah, well, if the time ever comes

and you find you can't hack it on the line,

I might be able to find a cushy position for you

up in my office.

Well, if I wanted something cold and dead,

why would I ever leave here?

Whoa. Whoa.

Ah, I like this one.

Full of spit and vinegar.

Bet that's what he said

when he picked out that shirt this morning.

( all laugh )

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, where is Antonio?

He was supposed to be back by now.

What's the big deal, Fay?

Well, they posted the cast list

for Phantom of the Oprah down at the theater.

He went down to see if any of us got parts.

Boy, I hope I get the part of Oprah Winfrey.

Oh, please, please, please.

I wouldn't bank on it, Cochran.

Janine Toliver auditioned for that part.

She's Oprah's age, she's Oprah's build,

and she's black.

You're none of those things.

That's why they call it acting.

JOE: Hey, morning, Helen.

Good morning, everybody.

FAY: Morning. I'm sorry I'm late.

I didn't even go home,

I just came straight from the plant.

( exhales )

I'll just make us a fresh pot of coffee.

Helen, I can't tell you how much I admire your perseverance.

To work at this job all day and another job at night

and still stay so bright and efficient--

( Helen snoring )

Helen?

My God, she's asleep.

Great. Let's drag her outside and hose her off.

Helen? Helen?

Oh, let me get you something.

You fell asleep.

Come on, you're exhausted.

Why don't you just go home?

No, no, I need both of these jobs

if I'm gonna get that cello.

Well, how long can you keep this up?

I think the question is: how long can we keep this up?

Look, we've been pussyfooting around this for a week.

But, damn it, Helen, you stink.

JOE: Yeah, it's true, you know.

Honey, you really do smell like low tide.

It's just...

All right, all right. You've made your point.

I smell bad, I look like hell,

and I'm tired.

But it's a good tired

because I feel better about myself than I have in ages.

Why?

You wanna know why? I'll show you.

This is why.

It's my first paycheck.

I am this much closer to getting that cello

and getting my life back on track again.

You know how good it feels

to wake up in the morning with a purpose?

Did she say purpose or porpoise?

( laughing )

ROY: Antonio, finally.

Do you have that cast list?

Yes, yes. I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget.

Oh, I know I didn't get the part of Oprah.

No, you didn't.

LOWELL: All right!

That means I still have a chance!

No, no.

Janine Toliver got the part,

and Fay is her understudy.

Uh, you also play a member of the studio audience.

Oh, pooh.

Roy, you play the part of a producer.

Oh, a producer, huh?

Yes.

You are an overbearing, pompous windbag.

Sounds like a great character.

That's not his character.

I've just been dying to say that to him.

Well, all right, what did I get?

Okay, Lowell, you get to play the part of a stagehand

if you agree to be a stagehand for the play.

Okay, if I agree to be a stagehand for the play,

then I can be a stagehand in--

Whoa, I really-- I've got to stay focused

or this could be very confusing.

How 'bout you, Antonio?

Oh, uh, I am, uh-- I'm one of the guests on Oprah's show.

I play a man who is only attracted to women

who used to be men.

You gotta stay pretty focused yourself there, guy.

( laughing )

Come here.

( all chuckling )

( mouthing words )

( all laugh )

Come on, what is it? What is it?

What's going on?

I just called the packing plant

to confirm my hours--

( all laughing )

Yeah, and...? FAY: What else?

--and they fired me.

( laughing )

( mouths ): They fired me. Why?

Oh, I don't know. Something about a layoff.

Heh. Oh, what difference does it make?

Don't you see the irony here?

I want to be a concert cellist,

and I can't even keep some disgusting job gutting fish.

( laughs )

Hey, Helen, I'm really sorry.

Don't you pity me.

That's the last thing I need right now.

Don't you see? I've learned a valuable lesson.

Everyone has a station in life,

and I've found mine standing behind this counter,

slingin' hash for the rest of eternity.

May I help you?

What's your fish special?

( sobbing )

What, you couldn't have ordered a hamburger?

( mellow theme playing )

JOE: It's 3 a.m., Brian, can't this wait till morning?

BRIAN: No, it can't. It's important.

BRIAN: Lowell.

Why are you sitting here in the dark?

It's relaxing.

Yeah, but, Lowell, uh--

The idea of you sitting alone in here

in the dark makes me nervous.

Then you should try sitting in the dark sometime.

It's relaxing.

Come on, Brian. What is this about?

Uh, I want to call a family meeting.

Now? Yes, now!

Come on, this has been keeping me up for hours.

Lowell...

We'd like a little privacy.

Would you mind going out into the living room?

It's dark in there.

You've been sitting here in the dark--

Brian, Brian, Brian, don't poke it, don't prod it,

just leave it alone.

Can I be part of the family meeting?

Well, Lowell, uh,

technically, you're not a family member.

Oh, I see.

I just cook the meals, wash the clothes,

clean the house.

I'm just a hired hand.

Hop Sing without the pigtail.

All right, Lowell. You're a member of the family.

Great, thanks.

Okay.

Now, I've got an idea,

but it's gonna cost us all some money.

Well, I'll see ya.

Okay, all right, Brian, now, what is this about

and how much is it gonna cost?

All right, well,

you saw what happened to Helen today.

I mean, she was really devastated.

Yeah, I know. How much?

I mean, I've seen her depressed before,

but never this bad.

I don't think she's gonna be able

to get herself back on track.

I have to agree with you, and I'm really very concerned.

How much? This is what I'm proposing.

How much?

Oh, will you let me finish?

Sorry, sorry.

I think we should buy Helen a new cello.

That is a great idea.

Aren't you gonna ask me how much?

You bet your ass. How much?

Fourteen or 15.

Whew. Wow!

Oh, that is pretty steep.

But, uh--

Guess you can't put a price on friendship.

I suppose between us we could come up

with 14, 1500 bucks.

Yes, I suppose we could do that, but, uh--

I was talking more like 14, $15,000.

Are you crazy?

You just said you couldn't

put a price on friendship.

Yeah, well, I was wrong.

You can. It's $1500.

This is Helen we're talking about here.

Where are we gonna come up with $15,000?

I've been doing a little research.

Oh, God. You are really serious about this.

Fifteen thousand dollars. Fifteen thousand dollars!

What have we got that's worth $15,000?

You are sittin' on it.

I am not going in that line of work.

I'm talking about taking out a mortgage on the house.

And don't flatter yourself.

Just take a mortgage out on the house and buy Helen a cello?

Joe, you're not gonna feel it. We'll spread the payments out.

The real point is, how many chances do we have

to change a person's life?

Especially somebody as close to us as Helen?

Let me ask just one question here.

What's in it for you?

Absolutely nothing.

Which, as far as I can tell, is the only major flaw.

So, what do you say?

Okay.

You are a beautiful, beautiful man.

Oh, you're not gonna kiss me, are you?

Not until you brush your teeth.

Going to sleep. You coming?

Wait, you gonna sit here all alone in the dark?

It's relaxing.

( mellow theme playing )

Okay, Fay, I'm ready to rehearse.

Oh, uh, fine.

Why don't we do the scene

where Oprah first suspects that something's gone wrong?

Oh, that's-- That's Act 1, Scene 3.

But, Fay,

you're not in this scene.

You didn't get the part of Oprah.

Well, I have to be ready to go on

in case anything should happen to Janine.

God forbid.

Oh, Lowell, come on over.

We're rehearsing now.

Uh, do you need your script?

No.

Are you sure you know your lines?

Line, Fay.

I just have one line.

I think I can handle it.

"Excuse me, Miss Winfrey.

That phone's out of order."

Pfft. Okay?

Okay.

Uh, fine.

L-let's, uh-- Let's take it from

where they find that cameraman

crushed under his own camera.

Uh, top of Page 8.

"Oh, my God.

How could this have happened, Frank?"

"I don't know, Oprah.

"Looks like the camera fell over on him by accident.

Or did it?"

"I'd better call the police." Oh.

"I'd better call the police."

Lowell. Huh?

That's your cue.

Oh! Oh, right, right, uh...

"Excuse me, Miss Winfrey.

That..."

Line!

Oh, for God's sake!

No, that's not it.

Well, here it is.

All right!

Whoo! Wow. Yeah.

That's what $15,000 looks like, huh?

Yeah, you wanna take a closer look?

Ooh!

Brian!

What have you done?

You are so easy!

Man!

Ten dollars, I bought it in a pawn shop!

Why didn't we just give her that one?

Here.

The real one is right out here.

( chuckles )

Least I hope it's the real one.

So how do you want to do this?

Uh...

You all right? Yeah, I-I don't know.

Just, uh, call her in here and give it to her.

Ho, ho, very impressive, Mr. Ziegfeld.

Yeah, see.

Now I know why they call you

the greatest showman on Earth.

Just call her in here.

I'll figure out something nice to say.

Hey, Helen.

Could you come in here for a minute?

LOWELL: "Excuse me, Miss Winfrey.

That..."

FAY, ROY, ANTONIO: "...phone's out of order!"

Ah, this is gonna be great.

When she sees this thing, man, she's gonna flip.

The look on her face is gonna make it all worthwhile.

( knocking on door )

Come in.

Uh, you guys wanted to see me?

Yes, uh, Helen, we did.

We've got something we want to give you.

So without further ado--

Joe, Joe, Joe, I think we can manage a little ado, okay?

Uh...

Helen,

we know what you've been going through.

And, uh, we know how much music means to you.

And we love you,

and we want to help you.

So we, uh, got you this gift.

And that's just what it is, a gift,

no strings attached. That's right.

Well, a-actually four strings attached.

( both chuckling )

( plucks string )

How could you guys do this to me?

( door slams )

Well...

wire it up, pop a pleated shade on it,

be a darned nice floor lamp.

( upbeat piano theme playing )