Original subtitles

( upbeat theme playing )

So, Lowell, I haven't heard you mention Melissa lately.

Are you two still dating?

Oh, yeah. We're really hitting it off.

Gee, I'm kind of surprised to hear that.

Why, considering how religious Melissa's family is,

I would have thought there might be some small objection

to your not being Jewish.

Oh, no problemo.

Her father said we can continue dating

as long as I get a bris.

You guys know where I can pick one up?

Let me guess.

You don't know what her father was talkin' about, do you?

You don't even know what a bris is.

It's a wheel of cheese, isn't it?

Uh, didn't he explain that it's a religious ritual?

Lowell, it's a circumcision.

Wait a minute.

Isn't that where they...?

Excuse me a minute, I have to make a phone call.

I mean, I really like Melissa, but give me a break.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, doll, how about I buy you breakfast?

No, thanks.

And I'd rather you didn't call me "doll."

Don't tell me you're one of those liberal chicks.

Don't call me "chick" either.

Have it your way, babe.

I can see I'm gonna have to lay this out for you.

Women are not "dolls" or "chicks" or "babes."

We work. We serve in the military.

We can even vote.

So in the future, if you find it necessary to speak to me,

it's Alex, or ma'am, or Ms. Lambert.

Nothing else. Got it?

You're not wearing a bra, are you?

Come on, come on. It'll be great!

Brian, we can't just pick up and leave.

Yeah, of course we can. That's the point.

Be spontaneous. Listen, listen.

Just gas up the plane, lock the door and: Boom.

In two hours we're standing ringside in Atlantic City

watching the fight of the year, okay?

And-- And don't worry about flights.

I've checked. There's no reservations.

Ah, well, maybe you're right.

You know, I never do stuff on the spur of the moment.

I always over-analyze. I always over-think.

Why do I do that? What is it about me that makes me--?

Spare me, please.

Lowell, Lowell, Lowell. Hey.

What do you say about dropping everything this second

and just goin' off to Atlantic City?

That's a good idea.

I'll see you guys on Monday.

Hey? Lowell can do it. Come on, come on, why--?

I-- I still have all this paperwork I gotta do.

You're just trying to find a reason not to go.

But I'm telling you, there is no reason.

I'm gonna prove it to you.

Fay, Fay.

Can you think of any reason

why someone would need to stay here at Sandpiper

instead of goin' off to Atlantic City

to watch a championship fight?

Oh, you two!

I'd love to go!

You know what a boxing fan I am.

Heh, heh. That's great. That's great. But, you see--

Is there a problem?

No, no, no.

There's not a problem. There's not a problem.

It's just we-- We want you to know

that there's gonna be a little more than boxing

going on there, okay?

There's gonna be gambling, drinking,

rude and reprehensible behavior--

You don't have to convince me. I already said yes.

I'll just run downtown and cash in a CD,

and I'll be ready to go.

How did that happen?

You're asking me? All right, forget it.

We'll take care of Fay.

We'll just drop her off at a nickel slot machine

and pick her up on the way back home.

All right, what the hell. Let's go.

Let's grab something to eat for the plane, and get outta here.

Hey, Antonio.

Wanna come with us to Atlantic City?

Ah. I would love to, but tonight I go to traffic school.

I thought you went last month.

I did.

But I've got kind of a crush on the teacher.

I'm hoping that tonight she'll sit next to me

when they show Pavement, Bloody Pavement.

Looks like it's just the four of us.

Hey, how you doing, Alex? Fine.

JOE: Helen, how about whippin' us up some BLT's?

Sure. What's the occasion?

Ah, we're going to Atlantic City for the weekend.

Boozing, gambling and a perfect opportunity for me

to use my new business cards.

"Beau LaFontaine, talent coordinator for Star Search"?

Yes.

Don't worry, Joe, I thought of you too.

You are "Dr. Aaron Ginsberg, ear, nose and throat."

Wait, Brian, we had plans for this weekend.

Martha Stintson's party, remember?

Was that this weekend?

Oh, you knew. You've been trying to weasel out of it all month.

Helen, come on--

If you don't go, I'll have no one

to talk to but Martha and her miserable husband

and those whiny kids.

Why do you wanna go?

Oh, she's one of my dearest friends.

Well, you know what? I don't have any plans this weekend.

I'll go with you if you want me to.

You're kidding. Really?

Why not? Might be a few laughs.

Oh, yeah, right. Around about 8:00

you'll wanna slit your wrists with a Triscuit.

You know, I was out there sitting in the plane

and a thought occurred to me, Joe.

What? That you couldn't go anyplace

unless one of us flew it?

( laughing )

Okay. That's two thoughts.

No, well, listen, I mean,

as long as I'm goin' to Atlantic City,

why don't you guys come with me?

I mean, maybe we could get some tickets to a boxing match,

hotel room, do a little gambling?

Even better. Why don't we ask Fay

to come with us for the weekend?

Whoa! Pinch me!

( upbeat theme playing )

( door unlocking )

Okay, Alex, hurry up before it gets cold.

Hope this is good.

Oh, what difference does it make?

It can't be any worse than the food at that party.

Think anybody saw us sneakin' out?

Only all the other people sneaking out.

You know, because of you, I'll probably never get invited

back to their house again.

How can I ever thank you?

Open up a bottle of wine, and we'll call it even.

You got it.

Mm.

This is a really nice place, Helen.

Thank you.

Is this you on the sled?

Uh-huh. ( cork pops )

No offense, but you were kinda porky as a kid.

Who's this behind you?

Hm. Also me.

Your parents live on the island?

No, they moved back to Texas

to be closer to my sister.

The married one.

That's what they call us:

"Poor Helen" and "the married one."

Well, according to my parents,

my name is "You're not getting any younger, Alex."

Why is it they think we need a man to make us happy?

Who knows?

I'd rather be alone than be with that loser we met tonight.

Oh, what was that on his head?

A toupee or a piece of sod?

I want that guy's mirror.

You know, the one that talks back to him and says,

"Hey, lookin' good."

( laughing )

I know.

Men are so weird.

Like that thing they do when they watch a ball game--

Wait. I-I know what you're gonna say.

They always call you in from the other room

to watch an instant replay.

Give me a break. If I wanted to see it,

I would have been in there in the first place.

I know, but that's not what I'm talkin' about.

It's this thing:

They all do that. What is that?

Maybe they know something we don't.

( knocking on door )

ANTONIO: Helen, it's Antonio.

Oh, come in.

Oh, hi.

There a ball game on?

What are you doin' here?

Oh, well, uh-- I was just--

I was on my way home. I saw your lights were on--

Oh, hi, Alex.

Hi, Antonio.

So I-- I just wanted to return this.

Mm. My Cindy Crawford workout tape.

Yeah. How was the workout?

Oh, it was very good.

The-- The ab crunches. The thigh flexes.

Cindy got better in every scene.

Listen, as long as you're here, how about a glass of wine?

Oh, just the three of us? Uh...

No, no, no, no, no.

I just, uh-- I just came by to return the tape.

Oh, come on.

Why don't you stick around? Nah! No.

I don't want to intrude.

If you have something else to do--

Okay, maybe just one.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, my God!

What? What's wrong?

I just finished this entire carton.

It serves six.

Yeah, but a serving's, like, two ounces.

I mean, there's that much stuck to the lid.

Oh, right. The lid.

ANTONIO: Helen? Helen, where is the corkscrew?

Oh, it's in the drawer under the microwave.

You know, I really like Antonio.

Yeah. How often do you meet a man

that can blend right into a girls' night?

I know. Most guys would just act macho, and try to take over.

It really ends up making 'em look ridiculous.

Red or white?

What goes best with marble-fudge ice cream?

Uh, rosé, I think.

Okay, Antonio, it's time to take that stuff off.

Okay, you're the boss.

So, what do you think of your first facial mask?

Ah, well, I had no idea what to expect,

but I like it.

My face feels tingly,

but at the same time, quite relaxed.

You know, most guys wouldn't let us do this to 'em.

They would think it's too feminine or something.

Ah, well, that never bothers me.

Any doubts about my masculinity

were confronted at a very early age.

ALEX: Oh-oh.

Here comes one of those manly Italian stories

about how his dad got him a woman when he was 15.

Fourteen, but that's another story.

No, I was thinking--

I was thinking of the time I-I was a young boy.

Uh, my sister was getting married

and, uh, well, I guess

I was jealous of all the attention she was receiving.

( sighs )

So one day,

I noticed her wedding dress hanging in the closet.

And, uh, well, I suppose I wanted to feel special too.

Uh-oh.

You didn't put it on, did you?

Well...

...not the veil.

Unbelievable.

Well, so there--

There I was,

admiring myself in the mirror,

and glanced out the window

and I saw my entire soccer team looking at me, laughing.

For years after, they taunted me

with the cruel nickname "ragazzo con veste."

Well, what does that mean? "The boy in the dress."

Boy, Antonio, if I were you, I would still be embarrassed.

( chuckles )

That's nothing.

I mean, at least you were a kid.

There was this one time when I was in college that I--

Never mind.

What did you do?

Doesn't matter. It was a long time ago.

Well, then let's hear it.

I mean, it's not gonna leave this room, is it, Antonio?

You think "the boy in the dress" is going to go blabbing?

Promise?

Oh, please.

All right.

It was my sophomore year.

Playboy came through to do one of their pictorials.

You know, "Girls of the Southeast Conference"?

Anyway, a couple of girlfriends of mine wanted to go down,

so I thought, "What the hell, I'll go with 'em."

You posed naked?

Well, it was--

Please, a moment.

Antonio, drinking the wine so fast,

doesn't it give you a headache?

Yes, it does. Go ahead.

Well, I figured it was going to be a tasteful little picture

in the library, you know, wearing shorts and a tank top.

Well, I guess I kinda got caught up

in the spirit of things, and next thing I knew,

my Dad's poker buddies were showing him a picture of me

rolling around on the beach wearing nothing but a suntan.

( Helen gasps )

How do you ever get over somethin' like that?

If I ever do, I'll let you know.

( upbeat theme playing )

Well, that's the last time

I'm going to Atlantic City with you guys.

Give us a break, Fay. We had to sleep sometime.

Why? You'll have plenty of time to sleep when you're dead.

What happened?

The woman was unbelievable.

Okay?

Running from table to table,

show to show, okay?

Finally found her standing, 6 a.m., by a craps table,

blowing on some Japanese guy's dice for luck.

Well, all I know is I had fun.

I won $42, I learned to play baccarat,

and I have a place to stay in Osaka whenever I want.

Listen, Joe, thanks again for inviting me to Atlantic City.

Hey, my pleasure, pal.

How'd you do, Lowell?

Well, they cleaned me out.

The important thing is, being the gambler that I am,

I only took as much as I could afford to lose.

Mm. How much was that? Eleven thousand dollars.

Oh, Antonio, here's your sweater.

I wore it home the other night by mistake.

Ah-ha-ha. Thank you, Alex.

Thank you. I had a lot of fun.

Uh, it's probably not my business,

but how'd you wind up in his sweater?

You know how things happen.

You have a few drinks, tell a few stories.

Next thing you know, your clothes are all over the floor.

Well, see ya.

ANTONIO: Bye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

wait a minute, okay?

You were with Alex?

No, no, no, no.

I was with Alex and Helen.

Even better.

Okay, okay, tell us what happened, exactly what was said.

Oh, well, Helen was--

Helen, we know about.

Well, I was talking about--

You, we don't care about.

What'd you find out about Alex?

Well...nothing.

You hear that? A pause. Pause.

Definitely a pause right there.

No, no, uh, I don't know anything.

And what I don't know I can't tell you.

All right, we've established you know something.

No, I don't. Oh, come on.

It's written all over your face.

By the way, your-- Your pores look great.

Wh-What did you use, a cleansing lotion?

A moisturizing mask.

BRIAN: Avocado or mint base?

Uh, mint base.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

I believe we're here to talk about Alex.

Well, I'm afraid you're wasting your time.

Come on, I'm in a lousy mood right now.

I lost 500 bucks in Atlantic City,

and I had to share a room with Lowell.

Look-- Look, just so this weekend isn't a total bust,

come on, tell us what you know.

I can't. I won't.

There is no way you're ever getting this out of me.

( upbeat theme playing )

Okay, this is the last of 'em.

Every Playboy from '85 to '89.

And, listen, we have to have these back in Roy's office

before he gets back from lunch.

All right, now, remember, we're looking for

"Girls of the Southeast Conference."

No stopping for centerfolds.

Not stopping. Just rolling through the intersection.

Whoa, look at these Winnebagos!

What? What? Let's see. Let's see.

Now, in this picture you can actually see

the chemical toilet and full kitchenette.

You realize if we find this picture,

our relationship with Alex is gonna change forever.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Once you see somebody naked,

you never look at them the same again.

I saw my grandfather naked once.

Right after that I had the uncontrollable urge

to iron everything in sight.

Your attention, please.

Gentlemen. April, 1986:

"The Girls of the Southeast Conference."

( smacks lips )

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, Fay. How you like my new earrings?

Got 'em down at Marsha's Boutique.

Uh, well, you know,

they look kind of like nuts and bolts

hanging from little wires.

No, Fay, these are made in New York by this new artist.

They're the latest thing.

Marsha says she's selling 'em so fast

she can't even keep 'em in stock.

Oh, I'm glad to hear that,

because I understand her husband's hardware store

isn't doing at all well.

I really thought it was gonna be weird

seeing a naked picture of Alex.

Why should it? We're adults.

We've seen a lot of naked women in our day.

More than a lot. It doesn't faze us one bit.

Hi, guys.

Hi. How you doing?

Hey, Helen,

I just checked out that new burger joint downtown.

Good news.

You're no longer the worst restaurant on the island.

Where is it?

Where's what?

My April, '86 Playboy. It's missing.

Roy, you were only in there for two seconds.

How could you know that?

The same way a mother knows when her child is sick.

You just know.

Did you say April, '86?

Afternoon, everybody.

You just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you?

What? I kept your secret.

I didn't tell anyone about you prancing around

in your sister's wedding dress.

Thanks a lot.

I-- I did not tell anyone about the picture.

How could you do that, Antonio?

Yeah, if you knew, why didn't you say anything?

Brian, quit covering for him.

No, I'm not covering for him.

We heard it from...Phil down at the gas station.

Oh, Phil? How's he know?

He heard it from his wife.

Oh, and how does she know?

Well, apparently she heard at work, down at Marsha's Boutique.

M-Marsha's Boutique?

Oh. Well.

What's the difference who told who?

The point is...

Is, I better go see if Alex is okay.

Wedding dress?

( chuckling )

Well, not the veil.

Hey, Alex, are you okay?

I just can't believe he told them.

Well, you know, it's possible

that it's not Antonio's fault.

Oh, come on, he was the only one who knew.

Funny thing about that-- Heh-heh.

--is that he wasn't.

I didn't do it on purpose. I only told one person.

Someone who doesn't even know you. She doesn't know anybody.

I don't know how it got back to you.

On an island the size of a postage stamp?

You sneeze and the guy on the radio says, "God bless you."

Damn it, Helen!

Uh, am I interrupting something?

Because if I am, I can come back later.

Not much later, but I can.

I would appreciate it, Fay.

I-I'll be right outside.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it.

I was just buying some earrings,

and I think I just mentioned it in passing.

Like, "I'll take the gold hoops and speaking of naked women,

did you hear that Alex Lambert posed in Playboy?"

I'm really sorry. I made a mistake.

So did I. I trusted you.

Damn it! Every time this thing gets out,

it makes my life miserable

Not with these guys. They'll forget about it.

Oh, yeah. They're probably down there right now,

drooling over that picture.

Gee, Alex, "drooling"?

They probably have it tacked up out in the hangar.

Well, don't we have a high opinion of ourselves?

Just what's that supposed to--?

Oh, wait a minute.

I know what's going on here.

You're jealous.

Of what?

Do I have to say it?

If you want me to understand what it is you're speaking of.

Fine. You're jealous of all the attention

I get around here.

Oh, please! Let's face it:

From the day I got here,

Joe and Brian have been following me around

like lovesick little boys, and you hate it.

Look, I came in here to apologize, and I did.

Now I'm outta here.

Finally!

You think I told your secret 'cause I'm jealous?

Oh, for crying out loud!

Yeah, I do. I think you're jealous of me.

I think you're jealous of the life I've led.

Well, sister, I have news for you.

I have led a very exciting life myself.

When I lived in New York, I worked in a strip joint.

You were a stripper?

A waitress, but there was stripping going on

in the building.

Granted, I haven't flown a helicopter in Desert Storm,

or I haven't lived halfway around the world,

or I haven't dated all kinds of interesting men,

but let me tell you somethin'--

Oh, my God. I am jealous.

( tsks )

Which means...

...I could have told your secret outta jealousy.

Which means, I probably did, which means--

Oh, for goodness sake.

You were jealous, and you tried to get back at her

by spreading all that gossip.

And you? Shame on you

for even posing for those pictures in the first place.

Now both of you say "I'm sorry," and be done with it.

Hurry up.

Hurry up.

I'm sorry.

Why do I have to apologize?

Because that's what friends do.

All right. I'm sorry.

I guess I shouldn't-- Uh, that's enough.

You have anything else to say, take it outside.

Boy, where'd she learn how to handle people like that?

She'd kill me if she knew I was tellin' you this,

but before Fay was a stewardess, she...

( upbeat theme playing )

( mellow theme playing )