Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Damn thing.

Hey, Ace, you got the time?

Yeah, sure, it's, uh, 12:15.

I've got a tour. I'm gonna be late.

What were you looking at?

Just had an eyelash that fell-- Aurora borealis.

Do you think I find that kind of thing charming?

Do you think it gives me a rush?

Do you think it makes me want you?

Is there a right answer?

Let me tell you both something.

I find it crude and infantile, so knock it off!

Knock it off right now!

Do I make myself clear?

Yes, you do.

You're absolutely right.

This is the '90s.

It is.

We were way outta line.

I'm sorry. It'll never happen again.

( upbeat theme playing )

Here you go, two eggs over easy, side of bacon, rye toast.

Can I get you anything else?

That man.

Honey, if it were that easy, I'd get one for myself.

No, no, no, no, you don't understand.

That man...

behind me.

Don't look.

Don't, don't, don't!

We can't talk here.

Quickly, everyone in Joe's office.

Right now!

You noticed he's a lot pushier

now that he's got his green card?

Hm.

Come on. Don't you people ever knock?

Joey, Joey, are you playing with your hair again?

Don't forget what they told you at the Hair Club.

You comb against the grain, you void the warranty.

What're all you people doing in here?

Remember yesterday I told you

I witnessed a man robbing Hanley's Jewelry Store in town?

That's all you talked about all day.

Oh, forgive me. I thought we could use a break

from your "All the good men are either married or gay" speech.

Antonio, the robber.

Yes.

That-- That man out there in the leather jacket,

( whispers ): that's him.

What? That's the guy?

JOE: Are you kidding me?

FAY: Oh!

No, I just sold him a ticket to Boston.

Does that make me an accomplice?

Are you absolutely sure that's the guy?

How was I supposed to know?

I'm-- I'm positive. I-I saw him from my cab

when he ran from the store.

I saw his gun.

I saw his face when he pull off his mask.

I'm too old to go to prison.

All right, I'm gonna call thepolice.

Oh, thanks.

I never figured you to rat me out

For the robber, Fay.

You know, I knew there was something weird about that guy.

He was lookin' at me in this really creepy sort of way.

Right. Kinda like the way people look at you

when you have that crusty stuff in the corner of your eye?

No, not exactly, Lo--

Why, do I have crusty stuff in the corner of my eye?

Okay, okay. Thanks, officer.

Yeah, thanks.

What'd he say? What'd he say? Calm down. They're gonna be here

as soon as they can. He said we should try to keep him here.

Fay's already announced the flight.

Oh, that's okay. I'll just announce a delay.

All right, but, Fay, don't say anything suspicious.

Just say that--

Ah, ah-ah, I know my job.

I think I can handle this.

Uh-- Uh, your attention, please.

Sandpiper Air regrets to announce a slight delay

in the boarding of its Flight 19 to Boston

due to a hole in the wing.

Psst!

For God's sake, hole in the wing?

It's only a small hole.

Wow, did you know about that, Joe?

There's not a hole in the plane, Lowell.

I know that.

But who knew Fay was such a master of improvisation?

Now the guy is going over to Roy's counter.

Damn, he's got a New York flight leaving any minute.

I'll call Roy and tell him what's going on.

Oh, hey, Fay, that was really great going.

Why didn't you just tell him that the plane had been, uh,

invaded by aliens from Jupiter?

I wouldn't want to scare Lowell.

Okay, okay, what the hell is so important here?

Roy, that guy at your counter

is the same man Antonio saw rob the jewelry store.

The guy with the gun? JOE: Yeah, that's right.

Now, listen, you have to go back out there

and announce a delay in your flight

until the police get here.

Are you crazy?

No way am I gonna get between an armed felon and his freedom.

You might as well draw a bull's-eye on my chest.

Uh-uh.

Roy, Roy, now take it easy.

I understand how frightened you must be.

Now get out there and make that announcement

or I'm gonna rip this off your face.

All right, now, listen, I'm gonna go out front

and wait for the police. Now just follow me out there

and try to act normal. Right.

( helicopter whirring )

Uh...

I'll stay here.

Just think of it

as my own personal Witness Protection Program.

( crowd chattering )

( coughs )

( clears throat )

( in high-pitched voice ) Your attention, please.

Aeromass Flight 23 to New York will--

( mumbles ): Aero...

ROY ( over PA ): Aeromass Flight 23 to New York

will be just a little delayed. Okay?

Great.

Hey.

How do I get to the ferry?

Uh, yeah. Well, uh...

Y-you take a right Take your first left

out of the airport. out of the airport.

Two miles to the roundabout... ...where the covered bridge...

( both speaking indistinctly )

Go due west. Uh, due east.

All right, forget about it!

I'll find it myself.

Uh, listen, you know what?

Um, the ferry already left

and the next one doesn't come for a couple hours

so, really, you're better off just hangin' here

and waitin' for your flight. I'll tell you what.

Why don't you come sit down right here and relax.

You know, anybody whose flight is delayed

gets a nice fresh piece of homemade pie on the house.

Hey! Who the hell was talking to you?

Get back over there and sit down!

That's the guy right there.

All right, now.

You in the leather jacket,

put your hands where I can see 'em.

What's the problem?

Move away from the pie.

Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

Wow!

Well, as arrests go, that was rather disappointing.

Uh, not like my arrest.

Well-- W-w-wait, you-- You've been arrested?

I'm not proud of it.

It was during an anti-war rally in San Francisco in 1966.

But you never said you were a protestor.

No, I wasn't. I was a shopper.

I bumped into Abbie Hoffman coming out of Gump's.

He called me a fascist pig, and I decked him.

Took me a week to get the smell of marijuana

off my knuckles.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

You know, I can't believe that detective

is still grilling Antonio.

I swear

I've seen this guy someplace before.

Yeah, you know, he does look familiar.

Lowell, Lowell, you know that guy sitting over there?

Tsk, let's see...

That would be...

Antonio.

I got it!

All right, in high school-- Yeah.

--who did we shove into the girls' locker room

wearing nothing but a bathing cap?

Oh, Howard Crawley?

Howard "Where's your hall pass" Crawley is a cop now?

Oh, my God

Apparently the Nantucket Police Department

needed someone to run their projector.

I don't believe this.

So then I'll see you at the arraignment

in the morning.

Yes, sir, I'll be there.

Okay, thanks for your help.

Joe. Brian.

Hey.

Howard, how ya doing?

You know each other?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, last time I saw you two you were tossing me naked

into the girls' locker room.

About that, you know, we were-- We were jerks.

Oh, hey, hey, relax.

I mean, high school was a long time ago.

( chuckles ): Yeah.

( chuckles )

Oh, it's odd how things work out, though.

I mean, when you had the upper hand, didn't count.

Now all these years later I could drag you guys in,

have you strip-searched, throw you in the drunk tank,

write it off to... routine questioning.

( laughs )

See you at the reunion.

I liked him better with tape on his glasses

and his head in a toilet.

Arraignment?

You are not going to an arraignment, are ya?

Well, uh, yes.

I must testify.

I-I-I'm the only one who saw him.

Are you nuts? If you testify, you are a sap!

You put that man in prison,

he is gonna do nothing but lift weights

and think about how to get even.

I'm tellin' ya, don't get involved.

Antonio, do not let him scare you.

You're doing the right thing.

You think so? Yes.

Absolutely. This guy can't hurt you.

Ah, you're right. I mean, this is not Sicily

where you mind your own business and keep your mouth shut.

This is America where--

Where you are expected to do your civic duty.

Why didn't I go to Australia...

where they don't care what the hell you do?

( mellow theme playing )

You sure you're gonna be okay with everything, Lowell?

Oh, yeah.

Don't you worry about a thing.

You just go off and have a wonderful time.

Where you going, anyway?

Uh, I'd really rather not say.

Oh, come on.

Well, if you must know, I'm going to see my ob-gyn.

Fine. Be that way.

I'm having dinner with my M-O-M-M-Y.

May I help you, sir?

Oh, Lord, just give me a glass of water.

Would you like a sandwich with that?

No.

How about a nice bowl of soup?

No! Fries?

Just water! I wanna take my thyroid pills.

On an empty stomach, Roy?

Oh, all right.

Give me a grilled cheese sandwich.

Something to drink with that?

( sighs )

JOE: Hey, hey, Antonio, how'd it go in court today?

They let the robber go.

JOE: What?

What? You're kiddin' me!

Something about evidence being taken illegally.

I did my part.

I stood up, I pointed at him, and they let him go!

And all the while

this Frederick Watts--

That's the robber's name.

He just kept staring at me with his cold, dead eyes.

Relax, relax, you got nothing to worry about.

Yeah, that guy probably wants to be as far away

from this place as possible.

Uh, not necessarily.

I happen to be a student of criminal psychology.

And according to

the Connecticut Encyclopedia of Deviant Behavior,

the mind of the criminal will very often fixate on revenge.

Uh, take the case of Jack Earl Morley,

a disgruntled postal clerk from Eakly, Oklahoma.

A coworker turned him in for stealing stamps.

Morley tracked him halfway across the country

and then chopped him up into little pieces.

In a final ironic twist,

he mailed the pieces back to his supervisor...

Postage due.

( groaning )

Come on. Listen, I've gotta take this flight,

but, Antonio, do me a favor.

Just try to relax. Don't worry. Okay?

As far as this guy's concerned, you are insignificant.

You're a fly, a gnat, a speck.

You-- You're nothing.

Y-you're less than nothing.

All right? So just think about that for a while.

Tell me if that doesn't make you feel better.

Oh. Oh, Joe's right. He's right. BRIAN: Yeah.

I am nothing. Yeah.

I am-- I am what a speck wipes off

the bottom of his shoe.

Heh.

I just get so wound up sometimes.

Hey, that's okay. You know, you're just--

You're too tense. You need to relax.

Tell you what you do. You go home, right?

You pour a drink. You draw a bath...

And kiss your ass good-bye!

( upbeat theme playing )

( mellow theme playing )

( knocking )

Ugh. All right!

All right.

( knocking )

( doorbell rings )

Oh, come on. It's after 1.

( knocking insistently )

What--? Stop! Stop! Who is it?

It's me, Antonio.

Quick, open up.

I was too scared to be alone.

I-I didn't know where else to go.

All right, come-- Sit-- Sit down for a second.

Relax. What's-- What's wrong?

What's the matter now?

Frederick Watts,

the man from the airport,

is stalking me.

Oh, come on. What?

Are you sure? Yes!

All night he terrorizes me by--

By constantly driving past my house.

L-look, Antonio, listen.

It's 1:00 in the morning. I gotta get some rest.

If you want to, you're welcome to sleep on the couch,

but I'm tellin' you, this is all in your mind.

Okay, okay, okay, then what was that?

I-i-it's a car.

Not a car, his car.

My God, man!

You've led him right to us!

Hit the lights!

Come on!

You could've just used the switch.

There it is again!

It-- It-- It's a white sedan.

It's him. I just know it's him!

Yeah, hey, listen, I just got a glimpse of it,

but it did kinda look like him.

This is insane.

No, no, maybe it's not.

Maybe he really is out there.

I mean, listen, we live on a dead-end street.

What's all this traffic doing here suddenly, huh?

If it'll make ya fell better, call the police.

The police? I spit on the police.

( spits )

Hey, that is disgusting.

You do that in your own house.

Antonio knows what to do.

Hey-- No!

JOE: Antonio, where'd you get a gun?

I borrowed it from a cabby I know.

( gun cocks ) Put that away!

You don't know how to use that.

I do too know how to use it.

For instance...

( gunshot )

That's how you put on the safety.

Give me that. Jeez!

I don't know what you're worried about Watts for,

you're gonna wind up shooting yourself.

Did you see that? There it is again!

Okay, okay. Yeah.

It's the same car. It's the same white car.

LOWELL: I don't know what the hell we're waiting for.

( glass shatters )

Lowell, the window opens.

All right, scuzzball!

It's gonna take a tougher man than you

to bring down Lowell Mather.

Lowelly. Lowelly, Lowelly, Lowelly, that-- That--

That gun's an antique.

It's just for decoration.

That might've been nice to know

before I yelled out my name.

( telephone ringing )

It's him. It's him. ( Joe scoffs )

Don't be ridiculous.

He's-- He's just making sure we're still here

before he comes to kill us.

Give me a break.

Hello?

Try calling now!

Come on, you didn't have to break it.

All you had to do was squeeze the little plastic clip.

Oh, this is crazy.

We're-- W-we're sitting ducks here.

I'm going to go check out the rest of the house.

Hey, you know, uh, I don't see anybody out there.

I mean, maybe-- Maybe he's just--

Maybe he's through for the night. That's it.

That's it. He's not around anymore. He left.

I don't like this.

It's quiet.

Too quiet.

Shut up.

Now it's really quiet.

Four guys, alone in a scary house,

being stalked by a deranged killer. Huh?

Throw in Jamie Lee Curtis and a couple of chain saws,

it'd be a pretty cool movie.

Well. Uh, you know,

I'd go see a movie about us.

You know, only if Gary Busey played me,

and, uh, Mary Lou Retton played my sassy girlfriend Veronica.

What sassy girlfriend Veronica?

Hey, spend your days alone

waist-deep in an airplane engine,

tell me you don't invent a few friends.

Well, I'd think an actor

like Bob DeNiro--

Huh?

--could capture the brooding intensity

of Brian Hackett. Huh?

I was thinking Bob Denver.

Who do you want to play you, Joe?

Pfft, ten bucks he says Tom Cruise.

Oh, ye-- And? What's wrong with that?

I think Tom Cruise would do a pretty good job

of portraying my life.

Not to mention the way you lip-synch

and dance around in your underwear.

( doorbell rings )

It's him.

I saw his white car in the driveway.

( doorbell rings )

Wait a minute.

What kind of killer rings the doorbell?

Pizza.

We didn't order no stinkin' pizza!

Did Watts send you?

Did he? Did-- Huh? Huh? Did he? Huh? Huh?

Talk to me, pizza man!

Don't make me get my gun.

Gun? Look, I'm sorry, mister.

I've been driving back and forth

looking all over for your place. I even tried to call

to get directions-- Shut up!

Here's what I think of you and your pizza!

All right.

Come on. Calm down! Calm down!Calm down!

Now, listen, if you really are delivering pizza,

then what're you doin' here?

I was lookin' for a, uh--

A, uh...

Lowell Mather.

Right there. Lowell Mather.

( giggles )

I guess now I have to share, don't I?

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, Antonio, that's--

That's, like, your fifth cup of coffee.

I know. I-I never got back to sleep last night.

Boy, I did.

I had that dream again

about my mom and Wilt Chamberlain

driving a go-cart through the Holland Tunnel.

You know, Bunny always used to say that it was sexual,

but with her, what wasn't?

Heh!

Boys, boys, boys,

it's all over town

how you rousted that poor pizza kid.

( laughs )

You better lock your doors tonight.

It's a full moon.

The UPS man'll be out.

( growls )

( chuckles )

Ah, Joe. Joe, here's a--

Here's a check for last night's damages.

Uh-oh.

He's here again, isn't he?

This-- This is getting weird.

I'm gonna talk to this guy

and find out what's going on.

No, no, no, no. No, it--

It is time to stop hiding and be a man.

Time for Antonio Scarpacci to stand up to this thug

and tell him once and for all to lay off.

I just hope that last part isn't the coffee talking.

Listen up, mister!

What?

Don't "what" me, Watts.

I'm--

I'm tired of being hounded like an animal.

If you want to kill me, kill me.

If you want to fight me, fight me!

If you don't want to do anything at all to me,

that's jim-dandy!

Whatever you want to do to me, just do it now!

Who are you?

You know perfectly well who I am.

No, I don't.

( chuckles )

Isn't that something, Antonio?

All your worryin' for nothing.

I mean, he doesn't even remember

you're the guy that turned him in to the police.

Oh, that's right.

That's right. You're the guy from court.

You know, you almost cost me 15 years.

It was a mistake. Look, I--

I-I don't know what came over me.

I'm just a humble cab driver working at the airport.

Please don't hurt me. Please.

You work here?

Yes.

Isn't that why you keep hanging around?

No, no, no, it's that--

That cute little blond waitress

who works behind the counter.

You've been hanging around here for Helen?

She gave me a free piece of pie the other day.

I haven't been able to get her out of my mind.

I'm sorta hanging around here

tryin' to get up the nerve to ask her out.

Well...

See ya.

Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho.

Since you know her,

maybe you could introduce me.

Why would I do that?

Because you owe me.

Helen.

Come and meet a friend of mine.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )