Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

So how're you doing over there?

Okay.

Yeah?

You know, uh...

gonna be a pretty long flight.

Would you like a...coloring book?

Got one right here.

No, thanks. I'm fine.

Okey-doke.

( sighs )

Boy, flying a plane's really neat, you know.

It's almost like we're...

a great big bird.

( chuckling ): W-well...

a-actually, sir,

i-it couldn't be more different.

Whereas birds move the airfoil of their wings,

through the atmosphere to achieve lift,

a plane uses a stationary airfoil

and forward movement, or thrust,

to achieve the same effect.

It's all just rudimentary physics

and simple aerodynamics.

Tell you what...

you fly, and I'll color.

( sighs )

Coffee, please, Helen, and...

keep it coming.

Oh, God, Antonio,

you look exhausted.

Ah, I am.

I haven't slept all week.

At 5 a.m. every morning,

I wake up to the piercing sound

of my neighbor's leaf blower.

Does it sound like:

[DRONING]

Or does it sound more like:

[DRONING RAPIDLY]

The second one.

Oh, that would be the Yard Demon 742.

Known in the trade as The Big Bad Wolf.

You're up against the best.

ROY: Leaf blower, huh?

That's not a problem.

If it's gas-powered,

you put sugar in the fuel tank.

If it's electric, you snip the cord.

Then you simply pour kerosene

on the guy's lawn and light it.

BRIAN: If you're having problems with the guy,

why don't you just talk to him?

Ah, I'm-- I'm not good

at face-to-face confrontations.

I know, I-I could, uh--

I could send him a politely-worded note,

along with a box of scented soaps.

You sure you don't want to go over

and draw his bath?

I just hope I-I'm not forced

to call my uncle Carmine.

He knows people who know people.

Wait, Antonio, do you really think that's necessary?

Yes, one of those people must have a place I could sleep.

Helen, do you see that young man

over at the Sandpiper desk?

See him?

I'm trying to decide what to buy him

for our 25th wedding anniversary.

Well, I don't like the way

he's snooping around.

Well, I actually like the way he's doing it.

I just, uh... N-never mind.

Uh-- Uh, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Are you looking for something?

No, actually someone.

Is this where Joe Hackett works?

Oh, yes. But he's not here now.

Oh. Well, uh...

Look, I'm Connor MacDevitt.

I'm a friend of his from college,

and I didn't want to be on Nantucket

without stopping by to say hello.

Oh, how nice, well, Joe should be back soon.

Uh, if you'd like to have a cup of coffee,

I'm sure that that blond, perky

and conveniently unattached waitress

would be happy to serve you.

Thanks.

But I'm telling ya,

you wanna set that neighbor of yours straight,

borrow my chain saw

and do a little creative tree-trimming.

I don't see myself as a chain-saw kind of guy.

Okay. We'll move on.

Does he have any pets or loved ones

living in the house with him?

Jesus, Roy! Oh, come on.

You're handcuffing me here.

So after college did you become a pilot too?

No, actually, I'm an oceanographer.

Really?

I've always found that so fascinating.

You know, I never miss a Jacques Cousteau special.

Yeah, I've been out with him a few times on the Calypso.

You're kidding. You know Jacques Cousteau?

( chuckling ): Yeah.

We once spent eight hours

in a decompression chamber.

We passed the time playing charades.

What I thought was an elaborate clue

just turned out to be a case of the bends.

Morning, Helen.

Morning, Joe. Joe?

Connor? Connor MacDevitt.

Oh, my God, it's been ages.

How you doing? I'm great, I'm great.

What brings you to Nantucket?

Work, we're studying the whale feeding grounds

off Stellwagen Bank. Huh.

So Connor says you two went to school together?

Right, we were in the same fraternity.

HELEN: Oh.

In fact, one night we were in the same sorority.

Anybody still call you Skirts?

I, uh, don't think anyone really wants

to hear about-- I think someone wants

to hear about that.

Go right ahead, Skirts.

Come on-- Well, one night

we were all sitting around,

trying to come up with a way

to sneak into a sorority house-- Yes.

--and Joe had this idea.

It would've worked too

if I hadn't broken a high heel on the stairs.

Come on, I'll show you around

before we dredge up any more memories.

Okay. I'll talk to you later, Helen.

Okay.

Whoo.

That guy's incredible.

You know, not many men have it all.

Oh, I know.

So many of them just work the upper body.

So few have the legs to go with it.

( upbeat theme playing )

And that brings us back to the hangar.

And that's about it.

Oh, and this is, uh,

my number one mechanic, Lowell Mather.

Wait a minute, Joe...

"number one mechanic"?

You mean there's a number two?

There's a new guy?

Is this the bozo?

Lowell, Lowell--

Let me guess.

I'm supposed to take him under my wing,

teach him everything I know.

And then just sit idly by while he squeezes me out.

Lowell...

this is Connor MacDevitt.

He's an old fraternity brother of mine.

Oh, great. Nepotism.

Lowell, he isn't even a mechanic.

He's just visiting.

Oh, nice to meet ya.

Well, that was interesting.

( sighs )

What can I tell you? He came with the hangar.

So how's your social life?

You, uh, dating anyone special?

No, I'm not even dating anyone ordinary.

What about you?

Uh, it depends.

What's the story with Helen?

Is she seeing anyone?

Uh...no.

No, not really. But, uh-- You know, I--

I really wouldn't get involved there.

I-I know both of you and to be perfectly honest,

I just don't think it would work.

Why not?

Well, you just wouldn't mix.

It'd be like oil and water.

Although oil and water don't technically mix,

seen up close, their union creates

a rainbow of ethereal beauty.

Anyone who's been face down

in the gutter on a rainy night

will back me up on that one.

He must be a really good mechanic.

Time for a break, guys.

How 'bout some iced tea?

You know, these boys work so hard,

I like to bring them something cool

and refreshing to help them through the day.

Since when?

Oh, just drink it, Joe.

Well, thanks anyway, but I gotta get going.

Oh, already?

You-- You just got here.

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

I've got people waiting for me.

Talk to you later, Joe.

Yeah. So long. Good to see you.

Helen. Yes.

Lowell, nice meeting you.

HELEN: Bye.

Whoo.

You never told me you went to college

with a babe like that.

Connor?

Yeah, he's okay, I guess.

"Okay"? No, Joe, you're okay.

( chuckles )

Man, this guy is hot.

Um, do you think you can put in

a good word for me?

Well, I gu-- I guess I could.

Oh, thanks, Joe.

Well, you'll have to do a lot better

than you did. Uh--

Lowell, don't you have some work--?

Now, wai-- Wai-- Wai-- Wait.

What did he say?

Well, if memory serves,

he pretty much told that guy

that dating you would be a big mistake.

Now, Joe...

maybe in your own subtle way

you're trying to bring these two kids together.

But, darn it, sometimes you've just got

to come right out and say what you mean.

Get out, Lowell.

S-- See? There you go.

What did you tell Connor about me?

Nothing, nothing.

Uh, he just sorta

asked about you, and I just sorta

told him that you might not be good together.

Well, you have your nerve.

Where the hell do you get off?

Helen, listen, trust me.

I know this guy. There's no way--

Well, you obviously don't know me.

See, I don't need you screening my dates.

How arrogant can you be?

I can't believe that--

Oh.

Wait a minute.

( laughs )

What are you laughing at?

Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe.

Poor warped, lonely little Joe.

Tsk, I know what this is all about. Pfft.

( laughs )

Oh, stop that.

You don't want me to go out with Connor...

'cause you can't bear to see me with another man.

Oh, please.

Just admit it, Joe,

you're still not over me yet.

Not over you?

Helen, I've taken more time

getting over speed bumps.

Joe,

read my lips.

We're not getting back together.

Oh, yeah? Read my lips.

( blows raspberry )

Oh, well, that was attractive.

Helen, look, I don't care who you go out with.

Okay, well, if that's true, then stop meddling.

You know, I can take care of my own social life,

thank you very much, so just butt out.

You know, I don't need

you to speak to any man on my behalf.

Is that clear? Perfectly.

Good. Now get on the phone with Connor and fix me up.

( upbeat theme playing )

( indistinct chatter )

What a pleasant surprise you called.

I didn't know you had my number.

Joe gave it to me.

Oh, that Joe.

You know, I sure hope you like Jerry Lewis movies.

Oh, actually, I've never seen one.

Well, I love the guy.

I know, I know,

a lot of people are afraid to admit that,

but I think he's funny.

Actually, it was Jacques Cousteau

who helped me come out of the closet with Jerry.

Jacques Cousteau is a Jerry Lewis fan?

Well, you should see him walking around the boat

on the inside edges of his swim fins.

( as Jerry Lewis ): Hey, lady.

( upbeat music playing over speakers )

Oh, watch.

I love the way this movie starts.

( cuckoo clock chiming )

( crash )

( all laugh )

( laughs )

( laughing obnoxiously )

CROWD: Shh.

( laughing obnoxiously )

( laughing obnoxiously )

( upbeat theme playing )

( indistinct chatter )

Hey, uh...

Antonio, did you ever, uh...

figure out that thing with your neighbor?

Huh? Uh...

I spoke to him about the leaf blower,

as you advised,

and we came to an understanding.

Now I understand his passion for gardening,

and he understands my inability

to bob or move to my right.

For God's sake. What a wimp.

I told you, you shoulda listened to me.

The only way to handle a bully

is to be a bully.

I'll take care of it for ya.

Well, Roy, you really don't--

Don't worry. I can handle it.

Before all my neighbors moved away,

I used to do this kind of thing all the time.

Antonio, you really think you should let Roy handle this?

Brian, I called my neighbor.

I-I sent him a nice note.

I tried to reason with him.

He hit me in my face.

Now...

it is time to unleash the dogs of hell.

Uh, Helen's not here yet, huh?

No. Heh.

I set her up with Connor MacDevitt last night.

MacDevitt? That guy from your frat house?

The one with the:

( laughs obnoxiously )

That guy?

That's the one.

Oh, man, that-- That--

That guy's laugh could set off a car alarm.

That-- That guy's laugh could be a car alarm.

Hey, it is her own fault.

I tried to warn her about this guy,

but then she starts in about me being jealous.

So I figured, go out with him and find out for your--

Whoa, whoa, she's coming.

JOE: Tsk, morning, Helen.

Good morning.

How'd things go with Connor last night?

You guys have a lot of laughs?

Oh, we had a great time.

We went to dinner and a movie.

Oh, movies.

Uh, say, aren't they showing

that Jerry Lewis Film Festival, Joe?

Why, I believe they are, Brian.

I understand it's hysterical. Really?

Oh, they, heh-- They must have laughed

their heads off, huh?

JOE: Helen, did you, uh,

notice anything odd at all about Connor?

Oh, Joe. Quit trying to run him down.

I told you, it's over between you and me.

Oh, she says that just to annoy me.

Oh, why else would anyone wanna talk to ya?

JOE: Helen, I'm talking about the guy's laugh

and you know it.

He laughs like-- Like, uh--

Like, uh, a pack mule after a double espresso?

Okay, okay. Yes.

I noticed his laugh.

And, yes, it's a little bit unusual,

but certainly nothing that would turn me off.

Oh, come on. You're lying.

It drove you nuts. It had to.

She's lying.

HELEN: Joe, look...

maybe when you go out with a girl,

all you care about is what's on the surface.

Is her butt firm enough?

Are her legs long enough? Are her breasts big enough?

Well, you know, if the breasts and legs are there,

I'm willing to cut some slack on the butt.

Shut up.

But I, on the other hand, am only concerned

with what's on the inside of a person.

And the way they laugh, that just doesn't matter.

It matters.

FAY: Uh, Helen, it sounds as if you had

a wonderful time with that Connor fella.

Is that what it sounded like?

Well, you just told Joe

you had a great time.

That's what I heard. Oh...

Don't you have anything better

to do than to listen to my conversations?

It's either that or have one of our own.

All right, the truth of the matter is...

most of the night was perfect.

I mean, he's intelligent,

he's fun and charming...

But?

But it was his laugh.

Oh!

It was like fingernails on a chalkboard.

I mean, if I could've ripped

the cushion from my theater seat,

I would have smothered him with it.

Why did you tell Joe you had a good time?

There's no way I'm going to give him

the satisfaction of knowing he was right.

Hell, I'd marry the jackal before I'd do that.

Well-- Now, Helen, if that's the only negative,

then maybe you should find a way to live with it.

Well, for instance, my second husband George

had this annoying habit of flicking his cigar ashes

wherever he happened to be.

I kept telling him, George, use an ashtray.

But he would just smile and go ahead

and flick 'em right on the carpet and--

Well, it wasn't easy,

but I got to the point

where I was able to ignore that.

Fay, I think this is

a little different than that.

Of course, when he died I had him cremated.

He's using an ashtray now.

Well, I'm with Helen.

Yeah, sometimes a person just has annoying habits

you can't overlook.

Yeah. Now Bunny had one.

She used to drum her fingers on the table

when she would read the morning paper.

That drove me crazy.

That's what broke up our marriage.

Lowell, I thought it was

because Bunny slept with other men.

Oh, right.

I'll make that two annoying habits.

You know, I suppose it would be foolish

to just overlook all his good qualities

over one little quirk.

I think that's very wise, dear. HELEN: All right.

Big mistake, my philosophy is

if a relationship isn't good from the get-go,

get going.

Whenever I have a blind date,

I ask them to wait for me on the curb.

That way I can drive by, check out the goods.

I don't like what I see,

I leave 'em in a cloud of tire dust.

Why, I understand as a child,

he ate a lot of paints.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, boys.

Good news, Topo Gigio,

you can sleep in tomorrow morning.

Your neighbor and his leaf blower

will not be bothering you again.

Ah, w-what exactly did you do?

I dry-iced his ground cover,

hit the trees

with a high-grade chemical defoliant,

and for the icing on the cake,

released locusts in his rose garden.

Heh, locusts. That's-- That's inventive.

Hey, it pays to read your Bible.

Had a couple of cherry bombs

left over from last Halloween,

so I took care of that weeny little trellis

on his porch too.

Weeny little trellis?

What weeny little trellis?

Not the one with the morning glories?

I don't know, they were little purple things.

Now they're toast.

Oh, no.

My neighbor doesn't have a trellis, Roy.

That was my house.

You blew up Antonio's porch.

This is what I get for letting you do this.

These are the fruits of revenge.

Oh, that reminds me.

Don't count on that apple tree

in the front yard being a big producer this year.

Helen. You're still here?

I thought you were going out with Connor.

I am. He's on his way over.

Oh, Fay, you gotta help me.

I don't wanna go.

You've been out with him every night this week.

I thought you two were getting along great.

It's that laugh, Fay.

That chilling laugh.

I've tried and I've tried,

but I just can't get past it.

The hell with what Joe thinks,

I just can't take it anymore.

Oh, w-well, now, look,

wouldn't you solve all your problems

if you just told Connor the truth?

Fay, how do you politely tell someone

that they're perfect in every way,

except when they laugh?

It's like a cold, steel shaft

being driven through my head.

I'm afraid it might sound...

petty.

Well, my grandmother used to tell me

honesty is the best policy.

Actually, she wasn't my grandmother.

She was just some broad my grandfather

was shacked up with.

But the words still ring true.

Oh, God, Fay.

I guess you're right.

Hey, Helen.

Hi, Connor.

Don't forget it. No, I won't.

Ready to go?

Uh, almost...

Um, listen, can I talk to you a second first?

Sure. What's up?

Listen...

I've been trying to think of a way

to tell you this for a week now.

And, uh...

I know this may sound direct,

but, um...

I've had this feeling every time that I'm with you--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I-I'd better stop you because I--

I think I can see where you're going.

Look, I was gonna tell you this at dinner,

but now I don't think it can wait.

Helen...

( sighs )

I think we should stop seeing each other.

What?

You're a terrific person.

Y-you're everything I've been looking for in a woman,

and I really tried to get past this problem I'm having,

but-- But I can't.

It's your accent.

My accent?

You're dumping me because of my accent?

I'm sorry.

It just gets on my nerves.

I'm sure a lot of people

might think a Southern accent is very charming.

Unfortunately, I'm not one of them.

I don't believe this.

You're dumping me?

Helen, please don't say it like that--

Well, that's what it is, isn't it?

No, don't say it like that.

It's your drawl. It drives me nuts.

You know, I can't believe how shallow you're being.

I mean, here I am,

an intelligent, fun, attractive woman,

and you're just willing to throw all that away

because of something so insignificant?

( sighing ): Oh.

God.

Now that the words are out of my mouth,

it does sound shallow.

Sure does.

We have had a lot of laughs.

Maybe we should give it ano--

No, no, no, no.

You said what you meant,

and, uh...

( thick Southern accent ): Frankly, I don't think

I can ever get over it.

Nope. Once them bullets are out the gun,

you can't suck 'em back in, can ya?

Nah, just hang heavy over our relationship,

like the dew on a snake's belly.

Like mud on a pig's snout.

Oh, I'm sorry!

But I was right the first time.

I can't listen to this.

Goodbye, Helen.

Write if you feel like it,

but whatever you do, don't call.

( normal voice ): Call?

Where would I call you? At the zoo?

'Cause that's where all the hyenas live.

Can't believe that guy, of all the nerve.

But I-I'd think you'd be relieved.

Relieved? I'm insulted.

He has his nerve.

I was supposed to dump him.

I thought I heard Connor out here.

He's gone.

What? Didn't you two have plans?

No, not anymore.

What happened?

Oh, you wanna know what happened?

Your friend Connor came in here...

and I dumped him.

Why?

The laugh, Joe, the laugh.

I couldn't take the laugh.

I knew it. I knew it.

I had you pegged.

You were just as shallow as I thought you were.

Well, go ahead and gloat, Joe. You have every right.

If you had listened to me in the first place,

you never would've had to go through all this.

I hope you had the decency to let him down easy.

Oh, no, don't you worry, I let him down in that...

gentle, soft way we Southern girls have.

( chuckles )

I'll bet if you asked him,

he'd probably tell you...

it was all his idea.

Well, at least that's something.

( laughing ): Now, let's face it, Helen,

I know you better than you know yourself.

Oh, yeah, you do.

( upbeat piano theme playing )