Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

I am sorry.

I wish I could help both of you, but there is nothing I can do.

I'm sorry, but this is the only seat left

on our last flight to Boston.

But all the other airlines are booked.

It's Christmas Eve.

I have to be on that flight. So do I.

Oh, well, let's see, uh,

you both came up at the same time,

neither of you had a reservation. Uh...

I wish I could figure out some fair way to decide. Uh.

I'll give you 25 bucks more than the price.

I'll give you 30. Thirty-five.

Fifty. Sixty.

Price of the ticket plus...

one hundred dollars.

I really gotta get there.

That's too rich for me. You can have it.

There you go.

Have a nice flight, and a very merry Christmas.

Yeah, yeah.

How was I?

Perfect, doll. Perfect.

God, I love Christmas!

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Buon Natale, everybody.

Merry Christmas, Antonio. Where are you off to?

To Boston to share a Christmas Eve dinner

with my cousin, Giacomo.

Oh, that sounds lovely.

Oh, yes. It will be just like when we were boys in Italy.

First we decorate the tree.

Then Giacomo puts the baby Jesus in his grotto below.

Right. Then for dinner,

I will carve the traditional Christmas eel.

Hey, whoa, whoa, back up a second.

Christmas eel?

Uh, yes. When I was a child, we would--

We would buy the eel months before

and keep him in the tub.

See? Then we would feed him and nurture him and love him.

There's nothing quite so special as the relationship

between a boy and his eel.

Silly me.

I just had a Barbie doll.

My favorite eel was Giancarlo.

I still remember his cute little face.

How it pained me to stick the ice pick in his neck.

Oh! Gosh!

You ate your pet for Christmas?

Of course not.

We saved him for Easter.

( drumming )

What on earth is all that pounding?

Oh, good, you hear it too.

I thought my blood pressure medicine was wearing off.

Lowell, was that you? Yes.

I got Lowell Junior a set of drums for Christmas.

I'm gonna take them over to him in Boston tonight.

What made you set them up here? This is a place of business.

Uh, Fay, he's only 6.

I mean, what kind of parent would I be

if I didn't check his toys out first for safety?

I did the same thing last year with that skill saw I gave him.

Won't all that drumming

just drive your poor ex-wife out of her mind?

Yes. I hadn't thought about that.

Ah, I guess that makes it a gift for me too.

Hey, Brian, look what I made for our Christmas Eve.

Helen, why--? Why do you always do this?

Every year you make a gorgeous gingerbread house,

and every year you won't let us eat it.

Well, 'cause it's so cute.

Let me just have a little taste?

No. Come on, come on, come on.

I'll chew you a skylight.

No. You know how the tradition works.

Every Christmas Eve we go to my place,

we have a nice dinner, we watch videos.

And then after you and Joe leave,

I realize another year has gone by and I'm still alone

and that's when Hurricane Helen

comes and sucks the roof off this baby.

You must've had a real bad year.

I see you've added a second story.

Hey, hey.

All right, Joe's here. Let's get this show on the road.

What movie did you rent?

Well, uh, before you guys get too excited,

I think I should warn you

that the holiday selection was pretty lean this year.

Ooh, second story.

Wow, breaking up with that lawyer

must've hit you pretty hard, huh?

No, I'm completely over him.

( sighs )

So, what'd you rent, Miracle on 34th Street?

No, no, they were all out. Even the David Hartman version.

Psycho?

It's, uh,

more of a Mother's Day film, isn't it?

Hey, would you look at this?

They charged me a 50-cent rewind fee

for the movie that I returned.

I-I-I know I rewound that.

Yeah, so they made a mistake. Let it go.

Aw, yeah, yeah, you're right. It's only 50 cents.

So, what time are you guys coming over?

Well, how about 8:00?

Great. You know what? This is wrong.

I-I-I'm sure that I rewound that movie.

I'm gonna give them a call and straighten this out.

Oh, I know how Joe feels.

I once got overcharged for a pair of pumps at Filene's.

The advertisement said 30 percent off,

but the sales clerk only gave me 20.

Now that I think of it,

I'll bet that clerk just pocketed the difference.

That was almost 30 years ago,

so the 10 percent compounded daily adds up to...

Well, enough to buy her a closet full of shoes.

And all I've got to show for it is a callous on my little toe

those lousy pumps gave me.

Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.

Was that out loud?

I cannot believe this! What?

You know, I-I-I called this kid at the video store

and asked him very nicely if he would please refund

the 50-cent rewind fee.

He laughed and hung up on me.

Joe, now relax.

We've got a nice evening planned.

Just let it go. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you're right. You're right.

I mean, what am I gonna do,

go down there over a measly 50 cents?

No, no, I'm not gonna let this get under my skin.

Ah, who are you kidding?

Thank you.

I think I'll go down there with him.

Uh, I'll return this stupid tape.

I mean, they've gotta have a copy of Fatal Attraction

or Basic Instinct.

Brian, it's Christmas!

Can't you think of anything that doesn't have sex in it?

Yeah. Our lives.

Come on. We'll eat this in the car.

Antonio?

Uh, I just spoke to my cousin Giacomo.

Is everything all right?

No. He's coming down with the mumps.

He's very contagious.

For the first time in our lives,

we will not spend Christmas together.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess tonight it will just be Soup for One

and A Perry Como Christmas in Caracas.

Hey, uh, if you want to,

you can join Mother and me for Christmas Eve dinner.

What? You think I got a lump of coal for a heart?

No, no, really, it's a very generous offer,

especially since otherwise I would be so alone.

Oh! I'd invite you to my house,

but I'm going to the Berkshires with my seniors group.

Hey, come on. What's it gonna be?

I need to know how many turkey pot pies to defrost.

I suppose I could go to Giacomo's

and risk catching a contagious disease.

Big swollen glands.

Roy's house.

Possible sterility.

Roy's house.

Come on! Come on.

Please, I just need a moment.

You're terrible!

You only take your mother out of that nursing home

once a year on Christmas Eve.

I know you're inviting Antonio

just so you'll have someone to talk to.

Oh, Fay, you couldn't be more wrong.

I'm inviting him so Mom will have someone to talk to.

Okay, Roy, I've decided.

I would love...to join you.

Fine. Don't be late.

Dinner hits the table at 7.

And Mom's head's never far behind.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( mellow piano theme playing )

Okay, I'll take care of this. Now, you guys can try,

but you're not gonna find a better movie for Christmas.

Oh, excuse me, the line forms at the end.

Oh, I-I'm not-- I'm not cutting in.

I just got a little problem.

Yeah, so do I. You're cuttin' in.

Okay, who's next? I am.

Uh, look, I've just got a quick question here.

Oh, you know what?

You need to be at the end of the quick-question line.

Uh, where's that?

It's at the end of this one.

( chuckles )

Kid, look, I called earlier

about this 50-cent rewind fee.

And you actually came down here?

( scoffs ) Not too sad.

Why don't we make this easy? Just let me talk to the manager.

Okay, fine. I'll get the manager.

( shouts ): Hey, Carter, do you know where the manager is?

Well, yeah, Carter, you're the manager!

And whatever you say goes.

Well, I say he goes to the end of the line.

Sorry, man.

I went to bat for you.

End of the line.

I don't believe this.

Oh, what's Joe talking about?

There's plenty of good movies here.

Here's one, Trading Places.

Hey, perfect.

Yeah, comedy, Christmas theme,

just the right amount of nudity.

Look, Brian, there's no nudity in this film.

Excuse me. Approximately 45 minutes in,

Jamie Lee Curtis takes her top off.

Not tonight she doesn't.

Oh, you know, I wouldn't mind seeing this one again,

Kramer vs. Kramer.

You know, it's family, it's loving, it's--

It's JoBeth Williams naked in the hallway.

Is that all you remember from a film, who's naked?

Well, some people go out humming a theme song.

I'm sort of a nudity savant.

Go on, test me. Test me.

Ah, that is, um, Melanie Griffith,

vacuuming topless, 73 minutes in.

Okay, Demi Moore, kitchen scene,

backlit by the refrigerator light.

Ned Beatty, scrambling up a hillside.

Whoa, talk about a mood breaker!

Okay, who's next?

Ha! It's Mr. 50 Cents.

Should I get the manager for ya?

No, no, no, I just need you

to take this charge off my bill.

Well, it says right here you didn't rewind Sea of Love.

I don't care what it says.

I rewound it. and, uh, you owe me 50 cents.

( laughs )

Look, I know in your day 50 cents was a lot of money--

Well...

"In my day"? Come on, I'm in my 30s.

So's my dad.

Oh, come on! Come on! It's not my fault!

This guy's freaking over 50 cents.

Look, it's not the money!

Look, if I give you the 50 cents,

will you get the hell out of here?

Hey, hey, hey, lady, it's not about the money.

It's about his attitude.

You want him talking to you like this?

Absolutely. It means you'd be gone,

and I'd be at the head of the line.

Look, I am a regular customer here,

and I demand some satisfaction!

What's the matter? Sea of Love didn't do it for you?

You listen to me, you little twerp--

No need to make a scene here, Pops.

You call me "Pops" one more time,

and I will make a scene!

Well, fine! Well, fine! Then I'll get the person

out here who rewinds the tapes. Hey, Debbie! Come out here!

Yeah, that's good. Yeah, bring Debbie out here.

While you're at it, bring out Tawny and Tammy

and the whole rewinding team!

Hey, Joe--

Look, look, look, this is important.

I am doing this for all of us.

( groaning )

That's right. That's right.

Okay, man, this is Debbie.

Go ahead, unload on her.

Hello. Is there a problem?

Yeah, well, he says he rewound the tapes.

He says you screwed up, Debbie.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm usually very accurate with these things.

I know this won't make it right, but please--

Oh, oh, no, no, no, I don't want to take your money. I-I--

No, here, here.

I don't need to take the bus.

My doctor says I can use the exercise.

Look at that!

He's taking her bus fare!

What do you want from her, Joe, a pound of flesh?

It's practically all she's got.

Look, look, look, I-I don't want your money.

Listen, Debbie, I've had problems with you before,

and I said I'd give you one more chance.

Well, that was it. You're fired. See ya!

What? What? Come on!

Are you satisfied now?

( grumbles and boos )

Come on, I didn't mean for--

I didn't want--

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( banging )

Lowell Mather, get in here.

I don't know why everyone thinks they can play the drums.

I mean, let any fool get near a drum set,

suddenly he thinks he's Buddy Rich.

but nobody walks into an operating room,

picks up a scalpel and says,

"Oh! Open heart surgery! Allow me."

Uh, merry Christmas.

Hi. Did you call, Fay?

Oh, Lowell, I asked you to stop that.

What do you think you're doing out there?

Uh, that was the drum solo to "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

How did it sound?

Distracting, irritating, and brain-numbingly loud!

All right, I finally nailed it!

Joe, quit blaming yourself. You didn't fire the lady.

That stupid kid did.

But if I hadn't gone down there and stirred things up,

that woman would still have her job.

I feel terrible.

Tell you what, Joe, after the holidays are over,

we'll make a few calls and we'll see

if we can't get her another job.

Maybe she can get something around here.

Tonight, there's nothing you can do.

So let's just try to have a nice evening.

Yeah, the way we do every year.

You'll eat too much, I'll drink too much,

we'll lie on the floor, loosen our pants--

I'll be disgusted.

Right! It's Christmas!

Yeah. So, what video did you guys end up renting?

We didn't.

I don't blame you after that dog you rented last night.

Sea of Love.

Ugh, derivative plot,

Pacino at his worst. And Ellen Barkin. Sexy?

Uh, she looks like one side of her face

has been asleep on a bedspread.

Lowell, wait, wait, wait, wait. You watched that tape?

Yeah, I mean, I couldn't sleep last night,

and it was lying there on the coffee table.

So I just popped it in the old VCR.

You never rewound it, did you?

No, they do that down at the store.

Eh, sure, it costs 50 cents,

but it seems to bring a little joy

to that adorable old lady who works there.

Oh, unbelievable! I gotta call this Carter.

Maybe if I apologize and explain to him what happened,

he'll let her have her job back.

( drumming )

Lowell! Stop that drumming and come out here now!

Fay, I'm right here.

Oh! Well, then, who's d--?

Oh.

Sorry, Fay. Those drums are like a magnet.

Oh, so everybody and his brother knows

how to play the drums, right?

Well, I'm putting a stop to that right now.

For what it's worth, Roy, really dug your set.

( excellent drumming )

USO all-girl band, Korea,

1952.

( upbeat drum and piano theme playing )

Joe's been on the phone an awful long time

with that kid, huh?

Must be awful having to beg and grovel

at the complete mercy of some 17-year-old airhead.

Just like his first date.

Hey, Joe. What? What's wrong?

Well, uh,

after we left,

Debbie was so upset about being fired

that she collapsed.

Oh! What?! Is she all right?

I don't know. They had to take her to the hospital.

Oh, my gosh. That's awful.

It's not bad enough, it had to happen on Christmas Eve.

And I-I feel responsible.

I mean, what-- What if she's down there alone?

I'd better go and see if she's all right.

We'll go with you, Joe. Oh, no, no, no.

That's all right. I'll catch up with you later.

Do you think he really wanted us to go with him?

Nah. I mean, if he did, he'd be out in the parking lot

stalling, wearing that dopey, hangdog expression on his face.

Yeah, you're right.

Just to play it safe, let's go out the back.

Yeah, let's do.

Okay, Roy, I'm ready to experience

a traditional American Christmas dinner.

Of course, minus the loved ones.

Fine. Let's go pick up Mom at the home.

Hey, what's that?

Uh, it's a gift for your mother,

a box of Perigellis chocolates.

Hey, what are you trying to do, show me up?

Give me that.

Didn't you get your mother anything for Christmas?

Sure I did. I paid for her hip replacement. Come on.

( crying )

( mellow piano theme playing )

WOMAN ( over PA ): X-ray technician on call,

please call the Emergency Room.

X-ray technician, call the Emergency Room.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

I thought this was Deborah Murphy's room.

This is her room. Come on in.

Oh, uh, no, no, no.

I can see she already has plenty of visitors.

Aw, never too many. Come on in. Really. It's okay.

Oh, you must be a really good friend of Mom's

to come down here on Christmas Eve.

I'm her son, Mike. Hi, Mike.

I guess you heard about, uh, what happened

down at the store with that customer.

Customer?

Yeah, some guy came in and took out

all his holiday anger on poor Mom.

I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.

Uh, Joe-- Ed--

Jed.

Jed. You know, like, uh-- Like the Clampetts.

Look, I gotta get going.

Aw, Jed, you can't leave without meeting

the rest of the family.

This is my wife, Jeanette. Hello.

This is our boy Danny. Hi, Danny.

You must be excited about Christmas, huh?

All I want for Christmas

is for my Gammy to be okay again.

Well, I'm sure that that's what we all want for Gammy.

And this is my sister Linda and her husband Jerry.

Hi. How you doing?

Their two kids, Mike and Kim.

Uncle Mel and Aunt Adele.

Hey, there.

Ah, my mom's neighbors, the Fergusons.

Oh, hi, everyone.

And I guess if you're a friend of Mom's,

I don't have to introduce you to this dear lady.

You certainly don't.

Well, you know, I just came to see if your mother was okay.

Uh, i-is she?

Doctor said it might be her heart.

Or maybe even a small stroke.

Then again, she could sit up at any minute

and ask for tapioca.

She just loves tapioca.

Well, you know what?

Um, I have a lot of other shut-ins that I gotta visit,

so I'm just gonna--

Oh. Oh, Jed!

Can't leave without having some eggnog.

Oh, wh-- You know what,

I'd better not because I'm driving.

It's alcohol-free.

Yeah, but I've got this, uh, high cholesterol thing, and--

No eggs either. It's Mom's recipe.

All right, I guess I'll have some.

Great!

Hey, like the tree?

Mmm.

We brought it in from home.

We're just trying to make this Christmas like every other year.

Except Mom's unconscious, and we're in a hospital.

Jed, would you mind talking to Mom?

Talk to her?

Yeah, this might sound silly,

but we've all been talking to her

in the hope that it might help bring her around.

Why don't you give it a try?

Nah, I wouldn't know what to say.

Oh, what you say is not important.

The idea is, is just hearing a familiar, friendly voice

might do the trick.

Oh, please, Jed,

wouldn't it be something if, when she wakes up,

yours is the very first face she sees?

Yeah, yeah, that'd be something.

You know what? I really have gotta take a--

Please, Jed, talk to Gammy.

Uh, okay. Okay, yeah.

Uh, Mrs. Murphy.

No, no, closer, closer.

Mrs. Murphy?

Debbie?

It's me...

Jed.

I just wanted to say... I'm sorry.

( mumbling )

She spoke. MIKE: What did she say?

Jed, you gotta tell us, what did she say?

Gur-gel-ga-gingin.

It's a miracle!

Oh, yes, it is, Danny!

I think this calls for a carol.

Yes!

How about Mom's favorite?

Oh, yes, "Joy to the World."

Joy to the world The Lord is come

Let Earth receive her king

Gammy, you're back!

Mom!

We're all here,

your whole family.

Even your friend, Jed.

Jed. Jed!

Where did he go?

He disappeared.

Oh, my God, Mike, it's like he was sent here,

like an angel!

( bell rings )

Listen, Daddy, a bell.

Maybe Jed just got his wings.

( soft piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )