Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( knock on door )

Oh, Joe. Joe, we just got

the most delightful letter.

Oh, great. Let's hear it.

Uh... "To whom it may concern,

"Sandpiper air ought to be grounded.

"The whole operation stinks,

"from that bag of bolts you call a plane

to your surly, incompetent pilot."

That's you, Joe.

"My flight was a total disaster."

E-excuse me, Fay. "Delightful?"

Well, I'm getting to that.

"The single saving grace of this miserable experience

"was the woman behind the counter,

"who was friendly, polite

and sympathetic."

Well, it's a pity more people

don't take the time to write.

( upbeat theme playing )

( thudding, glass breaking )

What is that?

ROY: Damn you. Get out of here and leave me alone.

Oh, uh, it almost sounds as if Roy is being mugged.

Antonio, shouldn't you do something?

( flatly ): Hey, you, mugger.

Leave our friend Roy alone.

( door opens )

( door closes, Roy sighs )

Are you all right? No, I'm not all right.

There is a cricket in my office.

It's driving me crazy.

You know, I can catch it for you.

Just make him go away.

All right.

Give me 24 hours and you'll have your man.

Although I won't know that for sure

until I catch it and turn it upside down.

I used to go out with a man who could make

the most realistic cricket sound.

Why would he want to do that?

Oh, he didn't mean to.

He carried all of his weight in his thighs,

and his legs rubbed together when he walked.

When he wore corduroy pants,

you could barely hear yourself think. Ha.

( upbeat theme playing )

( knock on door )

Yeah, come on in.

Alex.

Thought everyone had gone home.

I just stopped by to see if you might like to have a drink.

A drink? Uh...yeah, sure.

Sure. What did you have in mind?

The, uh, Club Car? The Wharf Tavern?

Or...here's good too.

Thought it might be.

You like whiskey? Yeah.

Well, you won't after you taste this whiskey.

Hey, ho, whoa-- Wah, choo.

What're you trying to do, get me drunk?

No. I'm trying to let you catch up.

I've been at this for a while.

So...what do you say, Ace?

Down the hatch?

Down the hatch.

Oh, yeah, that's bad all right.

I guess this...muffin recipe on the back of the bottle

should have been a tip-off, huh?

So, uh...is there some kind of occasion

that we're celebrating here, or...? No.

Got to admit this is a little bit weird. I mean,

ever since you came to this airport,

you've barely given me the time of day.

It's 12:30. Cheers.

All right.

Look. I needed to talk to somebody.

I got a call from my ex-boyfriend tonight.

Oh, it's...not gonna freak you out if I sort of

turn into a girl for a second here, is it?

No. No.

No, I'm just thrilled it's possible.

Anyway, he and I lived together down in Florida.

We broke up just before I moved here.

He had this problem making a commitment.

Well, he got over it.

Tonight he told me he's engaged.

Ouch.

Yeah. You have no idea what

something like this feels like.

Well, heh, actually--

I just wasn't what he wanted. Yeah, I know just what--

He had certain qualities he needed in a wife.

I didn't have them. Well, this thing--

'Course he can't come out and tell me.

No. He lets me waste four years of my life. You know--

Oh. Will you stop trying to defend him?

I...

I am not trying to defend him.

I was just gonna say

that, uh...I had sort of a...

similar experience myself.

See, I got left at the altar.

You're kidding.

Oh, that's not even the best part.

She left me for my own brother.

Please tell me

you have more than one brother.

Nope.

Ah, but Brian got his in the end.

She left him for some other guy too.

So you see, I do sort of

know what you're going through.

Sucks, doesn't it?

I'll tell you now,

I used to actually sit in front of the mirror

and ask myself why I couldn't be more the way

she wanted me to be, you know,

and not so career-oriented, not so anal.

But...

then again, I'd usually end up

Windexing off the mirror, so... Mm.

You are kind of compulsive, aren't you?

Well, actually I'm getting way better.

Although, for the last five minutes

I've really wanted to do this:

( sighs ) ( laughs )

Hm-hm. What?

You're laughing, I guess you must be feeling a bit better.

I am. Thanks.

You know...this is nice.

I was a little nervous about coming down here tonight.

Well... I'm glad you did.

At least it gave me a chance to show you that I'm not just

this...crass, immature idiot that's been

chasing around after you all the time.

Well, don't kid yourself.

Haven't exactly hated the attention.

Well, don't kid yourself.

It's not exactly like I'm gonna stop.

So, uh, I guess we should finish these, huh?

Oh, wait. What--? What are you doing?

Hey... S--

What'd you do that for?

Because you're driving.

I am?

I'm certainly in no condition.

Uh, well, do you mind if I ask where we're going?

My place.

Come on.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( cricket chirping )

Whoa. What is all this?

Oh, I'm clearing out Roy's office.

He asked me to catch a cricket for him.

Wow. I can't believe all this garbage

came out of Roy's office.

Oh. Oh. Look at this.

Autographed picture of Nixon. ( giggles )

Hm. It's for you.

Oh. Here we go.

Catalog of brides from the Far East.

What is all this?

Oh, that's Roy's unfinished novel:

Love at 30,000 Feet.

Personally, I liked his original title:

Ocupado.

Hey, Antonio. Hey.

Good morning, Antonio. Good morning.

You know...I must not be paying attention.

I did not even realize that Alex and Joe

were seeing each other.

Alex and Joe? HELEN: What?

No-- No way. No, she doesn't even like him.

I've never seen them together.

Well, last night I was driving past the building

where Alex lives,

and I saw Joe's car parked out front.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Be-- Be-- Be very careful now.

Alex's building on Old Post Road?

Yes. It was about 1:30.

You sure it was Joe's car?

Black Jeep, wood trim.

Little dent in the fender I haven't told him about yet?

Yes, I'm positive.

Well, wait. Did you actually see something?

No, well, I-- I looked up at the window,

but the shades were drawn.

I-I suppose he could have been

visiting someone else.

Lots of people live in that building.

Oh, that's right. My friend Nattie Stewart, for one.

Thanks. But I seriously doubt that Joe would be out

in the middle of the night

visiting a-- An arthritic 70-year-old Hungarian woman.

Don't let the arthritis fool you.

Hey, there.

How are you feeling this morning?

ALEX: Like you let me drink too much last night.

But I had a good time.

Good. Me too.

I'm glad. I'll see you, Joe.

I'll see you later.

Did you hear that?

Did you hear what she called him?

She called him Joe. Okay?

As long as Alex has been in Nantucket,

she's only referred to him as Ace,

but this time she called him Joe.

We have our smoking gun.

Excuse me. I'm gonna go find out what happened.

( sighs ) All right.

( exhales ) Tell me what happened

with you and Alex last night.

How did you know I was with Alex?

Oh, everybody knows.

Antonio saw your car

parked out in front of her building

at 1:30 in the morning, I just heard her call you Joe.

Don't tell me nothing happened.

Everybody in the airport's talking about it.

( scoffs ) The whole airport?

Oh, man, is this island every ripe for a Cineplex.

Hey, hey. Look at me. Just tell me.

Tell me what happened. Tell me. All right,

if it's that important to you, I will tell you.

All right.

Late last night she shows up here with a bottle of whiskey,

asked me if I wanted a drink.

Okay. Think I'm having a heart attack.

So I said sure, and...

And, apparently, her ex-boyfriend, uh,

had just gotten engaged, she was feeling kind of rotten,

wanted someone to cheer her up, so...

I'm having a stroke too. It's my own fault.

Then she got kind of tired and asked me

if I would drive her home... Yeah.

...which...I did.

And...?

( scoffs ) What "and"?

And what happened then?

You know, there's no point in even talking to you,

because no matter what, you won't believe me.

Oh, now, listen, hey, Joe.

You're my brother, okay?

Anything you tell me, I'll take your word for it.

All right. Fine.

Tsk.

I slept with her.

Liar.

Okay.

I didn't sleep with her.

Liar.

Fine. You wanna go back to "I did sleep with her"?

Oh, you're doing this to torture me.

Yeah, basically. Oh, Joe.

Watch it. Uh, uh-- Only Alex calls me that.

Watch out.

Oh, this you are not gonna believe. What? What?

Okay?

Joe won't tell me what happened

between him and Alex last night, okay?

So he did see her. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Apparently she dropped by here with some sob story

about her ex-boyfriend, huh?

Had a couple of drinks, then went back to her place.

I bet they did it.

Did what?

The wild thing.

Now, we're talking about Joe here.

With him it's just "the thing."

This is embarrassing.

Oh, I'm sorry, Fay.

We're all being very crude.

Uh-- No, you're being vague. I don't have any idea

what you're talking about.

Oh. Oh.

Here's Alex.

I want you to go over to her.

Find out what happened last night.

What, why would she tell me?

Well, because she's a girl. Girls like to sit and talk.

That's why there's always a couch in the ladies' room.

Right? Go ahead. Oh.

Hey, Alex. Coffee?

Love some.

Well, that's a cute outfit you have on.

Yeah? Thanks.

( laughs )

Oh, it's funny.

What is? Oh, people around here.

What are you talking about?

Well, ahem,

word is out

that, um, you and Joe got together last night.

It is?

Yeah, but that's all anybody really knows.

Now, that's a small town for you.

Everybody in everybody else's business. Yeah.

Boy, and I only tell you this

because...I feel like

we've gotten to be such buddies.

We sure have.

So anything that you feel like you need to say,

or unburden yourself,

just...say it. That's great.

Day or night.

Uh-huh.

Boy, I'd be right here for you.

So you're saying I could tell you anything... Oh.

...no matter how personal?

Absolutely.

Well...

okay.

Helen...

I've heard some people talking. Yes.

And no one seems to like

what you're doing with your hair.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, for God's sake.

Lowell still hasn't caught that cricket? Oh.

Lowell, get out here!

Uh, now, Roy. You promised to give him 24 hours.

That was before my personal belongings

were strewn all over the airport.

Oh-- Uh, about that. I hardly think it's appropriate

for a man in your position to even have a poster like that.

I mean, really, a woman in a thong bikini

riding away on a unicycle.

Hey, it that was Paris, and she was carrying a loaf of bread,

they'd call it art.

Oh, my-- What?

( coughing )

Well, it shouldn't be long now.

( coughing ): Lowell, are you crazy?

What is that stuff?

That's a cricket intoxicant I whipped up

in the garage this morning.

It's perfectly harmless.

Although I did notice it put a nice bend in the shovel I used

to stir it with.

Lowell, I need my office.

Have patience, Roy.

Sweet science of cricket hunting takes time.

Eventually, the better mind will prevail.

Eh-- Jeez, did I leave my soda in there?

I've never wanted something dead so much

in my entire life.

Oh, he'll get the cricket, Roy.

Oh, yeah, the cricket. Heh-heh.

( plane flies overhead )

Damn it! Mm.

Something wrong, Brian?

( sighs )

Yes. Yes, there is.

I didn't see this fork sitting here.

It's just this-- This whole thing with Joe and Alex

has got me crazy.

I-- I can't eat, I can't sleep.

I've gotta find out what happened.

We-- Well, I called my friend Nattie

who lives in Alex's house.

And--? And what'd she say?

Nothing. She died last July.

You miss one seniors' meeting,

and you're totally out of the loop.

Antonio. Antonio, did you find anything out?

Okay, okay.

I spoke to the other cabbies. Okay.

Joe's Jeep was placed outside Alex's building

no earlier than midnight

and no later than 2:30.

Footprints leading to the car

indicate he must have left

between 2 and 4

because they were filled with rainwater...

which leads me to the inescapable conclusion

that I have got to get a life.

You know, this is ridiculous.

We are not children.

If you want the answer to a question...

( claps once ) ...you ask it.

Was your hair different this morning?

Mind your own business.

( cheerily ): Hey, Joe.

Wow, it's a beautiful day today, isn't it?

( laughs )

Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe.

( taps nails )

So tell me...

how long have we been friends?

I won't tell you what happened. I gave it a shot.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( sighs ) So did you get it?

As promised, Roy.

Oh, my gosh.

It's all back to normal.

( pats on back ) Ohh.

And it's quiet again.

Lowell, how did you do it?

Well, the gas I used was just strong enough

to be disorienting.

But when I came to and realized where I was...

well, catching the cricket was child's play.

Here, have a look. Oh, oh, oh.

No, it's okay, Roy.

Cricket is still sedated.

You didn't kill him?

I can't very well perform my experiments

on a dead cricket, can I?

Oh, he's moving.

Shut the box. Shut the box.

( cricket chirps ) Wow. Right back into your office.

Damn it, Lowell.

Didn't you know that was gonna happen?

Actually, no.

You don't often see that kind of leg power

in a pregnant female.

( cricket chirping )

( upbeat theme playing )

Knock, knock.

Alex, hi.

Wow, this is two nights in a row for us.

Jeez, I hope people don't start talking about us.

Huh. Oh. And it is-- It's pretty funny, isn't it?

This entire airport is obsessed

with the same stupid little thing.

Yeah. Unraveling the big mystery. Ha-ha-ha!

Yeah. Did they or didn't they?

( both chuckling )

( sighs )

So did we or didn't we?

( laughing )

What?

Come on, you heard me.

Wha--? Wait. Are you kidding?

Oh. Gee, I-- I thought last night

was a...pretty memorable evening.

Look, I never drink like that.

So...y-- You don't remember

anything from last night?

Well, I remember parts.

It's...the end that's a little hazy.

Oh, wow. I can't believe this.

Uh, this entire airport has been dying to know

this one little piece of information.

I'm the only one that has it.

I feel like Yoda.

Why don't you just tell me what happened?

Yeah, well, I suppose I could.

but, uh... then this would be over,

and...to tell you the truth, I'm kind of enjoying it.

( chuckles )

Fine. I basically know what happened anyway.

You drove me home.

I must have gone inside

and fallen straight asleep.

Yeah, you're right...

basically.

You know what? You know that photo

you have on the mantle?

Y-- It's nice. You look very hot in your flight suit.

Okay. So you were in my living room.

You probably walked me to the door.

Yeah, that's what happened...

basically.

You know the four-poster bed you have?

That's really nice. I've always wanted one of those.

All right.

You probably looked down my hall

and saw my bedroom.

Well...that explains it.

'Course, uh...

it doesn't explain how I would know

that you keep scented pillows on your bed.

I got work to do.

( inaudible dialogue )

Look, Joe, Satan, whatever your name is.

This is getting old. Why don't you just tell me?

Well, uh...

I guess it's because you want me to.

You know, since you set foot on this island,

you have had the upper hand.

You knew I was interested in you,

and you spun me like a top.

Well, now... ( chuckles )

...all of a sudden,

I am in charge.

Yeah, that's right.

That's right. I am in the driver's seat now.

( imitates motor )

I guess it never occurred to you

that I might be interested in you too.

What?

Well, didn't you think that

there might be other reasons

I've been cold to you?

Well...like what?

Well... like I was afraid.

I was new in town. I'd just broken up with someone.

I was vulnerable.

Then this... great-looking,

sexy guy presents himself to me.

Sure, I was turned on.

It was all I could do not to...give in

to the incredible desire I felt.

But if I did--

Alex-- Alex, just so I'm clear on this, uh,

you are seducing me now so you can find out

if I seduced you last night, is that right?

Oh, all right!

If you wanna be a pig about this, go ahead.

But just remember one thing:

when I was hurt, I came to you.

I thought, here's someone I can trust,

really open myself up to.

Obviously, I made a mistake.

( sighs )

You weren't even going to come after me?

Nope.

All right, Ace, you win.

I know when I've been licked.

Oh, so last night is coming back to you?

I'm out of here.

All right, all right. Wait, hold on.

I'll tell you. Come here.

Come on. Sit down.

Okay.

We went back to your place,

and you asked me in,

and we talked, and it was actually really very nice.

And then eventually

you fell asleep on my shoulder.

So I picked you up

and, uh, took you in your bedroom

and then I left.

Thanks.

I guess you're not such a jerk.

Sorry to disappoint you.

Well, I better be going.

One more thing I don't remember

about last night.

Did I give you a good-night kiss?

No.

That was nice.

Guess who's driving now?

( imitates motor )

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )