Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Are you okay?

Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.

It's just this is the first time I've flown in-- In six months.

I was in a plane crash.

Ah, you're kidding, right?

I was in a crash a couple of months back.

Really?

Sprained ankle, dislocated shoulders.

Scrapes and bruises.

Joe Hackett. Mike Burland.

I'll tell you I'll never forget it though.

It was-- It was a 737.

I'm sitting right over the wing.

How--? How 'bout yourself?

Well, I was sitting right here.

And it was this plane.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Lowell, Lowell,

I lost the passenger manifest

for my flight that just landed.

I need all the names on this list

reentered into the computer.

Read them.

Okay.

( mouthing words )

Out loud, you idiot.

"Harlyn Wosniak, Moiden Zokipremiat,

Steve May."

That's M-A-Y.

"Charles Fletcher, Diane Carlin,

Shannon Moss..."

Wait, wait, whoa.

Would you say that name again?

JOE: Oh, wow.

Hey, Helen, guess what. What?

Shannon Moss is coming in from New York.

Shannon Moss?

The Shannon Moss? Yeah.

The Shannon Moss.

Shannon Moss?

I think that's the exact color I painted my kitchen.

Who is this Shannon Moss?

Ah, she's just this girl that's been driving Brian

absolutely crazy ever since high school.

"Just" this girl? Are you kidding me?

Oh, I mean, Brian's never been powerless around women,

except for Shannon.

I mean, she has got some sort of unearthly control over him.

Yeah, like the senior prom. Right.

Shannon and Brian were supposed to go to the prom.

But at the last minute she dumps him

'cause she's got a better offer.

Oh, that's so sad.

HELEN: Oh, no, honey.

The sad part is she was able

to talk Brian into driving them.

So this Shannon reminds me

of a woman I knew from my village,

Theresa Vertucci.

She treated men like garbage,

but they kept coming back for more.

They-- They would rather die than be without her.

She was called vedova nera, the black widow.

Oh, after the spider who kills her mate?

No, because she was black and her husband had died.

I thought that was so clear.

Look, there's only one way to handle this.

If Brian so much as sees Shannon,

he is a dead man. Right.

So we've got to make a pact, all right?

We don't even tell Brian that Shannon is on the island.

No. Agreed?

Okay? Not a word, man.

Hey, everybody, look who I got here.

Hi, Shannon.

Way to go, Helen.

Joe, Helen, it's so nice to see you.

Yeah, hi. You in town long?

Just the week.

Well, that ought to do it.

Hey, guys, does she look great or what?

Oh, Brian.

No, I'm not kidding.

Boy, it might be the lighting in here,

but, uh, my guess is somebody's been exercising.

Not much, just a little step aerobics.

Step aerobics, what's that?

Is that aerobics for somebody who's lost a parent?

( laughs )

Isn't he funny?

A riot. He's hilarious.

I've got to get going.

But, Brian, I'll see you for dinner tonight, 7:30.

Great, okay.

So, uh, seeing her for dinner? Yeah.

That's a good idea. Brian, here we go again.

Excellent idea.

Listen, I know what you guys are thinking.

You can relax.

I've had a lot of troubles with Shannon in the past,

but that is not gonna happen this time

and for two very good reasons.

Number one, I'm older and wiser, okay?

Number two, she's unavailable.

For the last couple years she's been living with a guy

who she's crazy about, and that's good

because I never could have relied on reason number one.

This Shannon Moss scares me.

She sounds like the kind of woman

who takes pleasure in giving men pain,

who likes grinding a man's spirit

into the dirt with a stiletto heel.

If Brian comes to his senses, let her know I'm available.

( mellow theme playing )

( indistinct chatter )

Remember how my father used to like to sing while he drove?

And completely butcher the lyrics to songs?

Oh, yeah. He had--

He had a real thing for the Beatles, didn't he?

I'll never forget his rendition of "Hey, Jew."

He offended more than a few of the neighbors

with that one, didn't he? No kidding.

So, uh, how's it being a hotshot lawyer, huh?

I keep looking for you on late night television

in one of those commercials, you know?

"Shannon Moss got me $3.2 million."

Been a real long time, Shannon.

I know, I know.

I-- I'm sorry.

Life's been so crazy.

There must be 100 close friends I just haven't kept up with.

Mm, I know we've missed you at our meetings.

( laughs )

Well, I've been going through a lot of changes lately, Brian.

I guess the most important one has to do with Mark.

Oh, yeah, Mark. Mark. So how is he doing?

Oh, he's good.

And so is Melissa.

That's the woman he's seeing now.

God, you're kidding.

No, we broke up.

It's been almost a week now.

Oh, man, are you okay? Ouch.

Well, you know, it's never easy.

Something like this happens and you can't help

but feel a little insecure about yourself.

Oh, yeah, but maybe somebody else would feel that,

but not you, I mean, look at you.

You've got everything going for you.

You've got a great sense of humor, great career.

And-- And I honestly believe that

you get better looking every time I see you.

Oh, Brian, you're just saying that.

No, I am not either.

It's always so great spending time with you.

It's one of the reasons I came home.

I guess what I'm trying to say is

I feel that I'm ready to open myself up to new possibilities.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

No, no, I don't actually.

I've missed spending time with you, Brian.

I miss your quirky outlook on life.

I miss your infectious sense of humor.

One of-- One of the few things about me which,

incidentally, is infectious.

( laughs )

I think.

I think about you a lot, Brian.

I want you in my life again.

Cool!

( upbeat theme playing )

Where the hell is Brian?

His flight is supposed to leave in five minutes.

HELEN: I haven't seen him since yesterday.

All right, Fay.

Go ahead and announce the flight.

If he doesn't show up, I'll take it.

Aeroma-- Sand--

Aeroma-- Sand--

Put a sock in it, will you?

I'm working here.

Aeromass Flight 14 is now arriving at Gate 2.

Sandpiper Flight 19 is now boarding through Gate 1.

Sandpiper, the courteous airline.

Hello, beautiful people.

Ah, a nice day, n'est-ce pas?

Sky is blue.

The sun is high.

And everything's right with the world.

( sniffs )

What the hell is that smell?

( sniffs )

Well, if it's musky, manly,

with just a hint of the old West,

it's my cologne.

If, on the other hand,

it's the overwhelming stench of onions, garlic and sausage,

I suggest you change your tie.

( sniffs )

Brian, what is that you're wearing?

It's called "Saddle Up."

Why, you--? You don't like it?

Oh, no, I do like it.

I liked it the first time I smelled it...

about the time you were pulling into the parking lot.

Oh, Lowell, leave that door open, please.

Oh, I don't think you want me to do that, Fay.

There's a smell out there that--

( sniffs )

Too late, it's in here now.

So let's see.

Picnic basket, toxic cologne.

Yep, she's got him. Yeah?

She's got that hook in his lip, and she's reeling him in.

Reeeel. Reeeel-- No, no, no.

Nobody's-- Nobody's reeling anybody in.

And as for my evening last night with Shannon, it was lovely.

Okay?

The restaurant was elegant.

The conversation was stimulating and the cuisine was superb.

ROY: Blah, blah, blah.

Did you get any or what?

Eh, excuse me, Mr. Guccione,

but, uh, that's not really your business.

However, since we're on the subject,

if last night were a movie, waves would be crashing,

rockets would be launching and volcanoes would be erupting.

LOWELL: Uh, I've seen that movie.

Krakatoa, East of Java.

No, there wasn't much sex, but nobody had any time.

HELEN: Okay, wait a minute. Back up here.

What happened to that guy that Shannon's been

so happily living with for the past two years?

Oh, that. A tragic, tragic story.

They broke up.

( chuckles )

Listen, you guys have nothing to worry about.

Shannon has changed.

She's kind. She's caring.

She's giving.

Think of-- Think of Mother Teresa in leggings.

That's so weird. I just was!

Brian, you always give us this speech about

how this time it's gonna be different.

It's never different.

Well, you're right, Joe.

Last night wasn't different.

But this morning was truly unusual.

Well, when you say unusual,

what--? What exactly do you mean?

Roy, do I have to paint you a picture?

It'd certainly go with all the rest

of the art in his house.

So, Brian, where are you going on your picnic anyway?

Oh, up to Brand Point.

And then tomorrow night I have a midnight cruise

planned for us around the island.

And then for the weekend, I made reservations

at this really cute, little seaside inn on the Vineyard.

Sound pretty nice, huh? Brian,

you have a flight that's leaving.

Are you aware that you still work here?

Yes, Joe, I know that.

And under no circumstances will I allow my social life

to interfere with my duties here.

Good. Which is why I need to take

a leave of absence through the weekend.

All right, Brian, I will take your flights,

but you know what this means?

It means you have to work on Thanksgiving Day.

O-o-okay. Let me get this straight.

You mean, uh, I get to spend an afternoon

frolicking with a beautiful woman,

and as punishment

I miss out on dried-out turkey, raisin stuffing

and Uncle Wayne making a beard with his mashed potatoes?

Hey, it's the only way you're gonna learn.

If you guys will excuse me,

my guest will be here at any moment.

All right, but keep that cologne going downwind.

I've got paying customers over here.

You know, actually--

Actually you can help me out here.

I'm waiting for somebody

very special to arrive, okay?

And I don't want to appear overanxious,

but I do want to seem casually confident.

So how--? How's--? All right, how's this?

Uh, you might want to try something else

with your right arm.

No, no, more of a drape thing.

You know, across the table.

That's it. Yeah?

Oh, thanks. Yeah!

Yeah, that feels pretty good.

Thanks. Thanks.

I owe you an affectation.

Brian?

Hi.

Are you okay?

Well, yeah, I was just, uh...

some breadcrumbs got down my sleeve.

Hey, you ready to go?

Oh, the picnic.

Um, ahem, I hope you didn't go to too much trouble.

Oh, no, no trouble at all.

Just threw a few things together.

Oh, good, because I've got this family thing

with my parents this afternoon.

You know how that can be.

I should really...

Well, uh, uh, well, okay.

You know what, no-- No explanation necessary.

I'll tell you what,

why don't you just come over to my place later on.

We'll spread a blanket on the floor.

We'll have our picnic in the living room.

Actually, that's not gonna work either.

I've got some briefs that really need going over.

Sort of touches on what I had planned for after dinner.

Uh, look, Brian, let's just leave it like this.

If I get some free time the next few days, I'll call you.

Okay? Sure. Sure. Okay.

Okay.

Well, easy come, easy go, right?

I didn't really have anything invested in this anyway.

It's not like I went to a lot of trouble.

Uh, Brian, I thought you might want to look over this

before I hitch it up to the back of the plane.

Hold me!

( upbeat theme playing )

I'm so stupid.

I'm such a jerk.

I'm such an idiot. ROY: Hackett,

how much longer's this crap gonna go on?

Don't discourage him.

It's the most sense he's made all week.

Fay, I'm exhausted. I can't take anymore flights.

BRIAN: I'm such a jerk.

Is he back among the living yet? Oh, barely.

I'm such a moron.

I'm such a pin--

JOE: Brian, get your butt down here!

Brian's not doing at all well, is he?

On the other hand, time heals all wounds.

No, actually it doesn't.

About a year ago I was walking down the beach.

I stepped on a razor-sharp scallop shell.

Put a gash between my third and fourth toes about, oh, yea big.

To this day, if I don't wear cotton socks

that baby opens up just like an artichoke.

Thank you, Lowell,

for ruining another one of my favorite foods.

JOE: Hey, listen, champ,

uh, you're gonna have

to work through your misery a little faster.

I am getting burned out taking all these flights.

Sorry. I'm sorry I let you down.

I'm such an imbecile.

Look, don't beat yourself up. You just made a mistake.

Oh, you bet I did.

I came on too strong.

I pushed her. I frightened her.

Poor Shannon just came out of a relationship.

She's as-- She's as fragile as a baby sparrow.

Of course it's too fast!

Of course she's not ready to make another commitment.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, I was just standing over there,

and I don't mean to butt in here,

but just a little something that I need to add--

Are you completely out of your mind!?

Shannon Moss does not have a fear of commitment.

Shannon Moss does not even like you.

Shannon Moss likes you liking her.

Think about it.

She broke up with her boyfriend.

She's feeling really low.

So she comes here knowing you're gonna fall over her

and give her some big ego boost.

And once she's got it, she just tosses you aside

knowing full well you're gonna be ready for her

when she comes back.

Yeah, yeah, this is a pattern with her.

The only time you hear from her

is when something's gone wrong in her life.

And if you're gonna change the pattern,

you'd better confront her.

But it's not that easy, you know.

She's got some sort of power over me.

My-- My attraction to Shannon is like this biological urge.

Yeah, it's like that-- That salmon thing, you know.

You're hopeless, just hopeless.

All right, all right.

I've got to confront her.

I've left her, like, 20 messages in the last few days

and has she called me back once?

I'm asking you a question, Joe. Has she called me back?

Hi, Brian.

Hey, Shannon.

We were just talking about you.

I know I owe you a phone call, but I've been really busy.

That case I was working on blew up.

I've got to get the next flight back to New York.

Oh, that's terrible, but I guess that stuff happens.

I have to talk to you about something that's--

Thanks for understanding. Next time I'm here, I'll call.

Okay.

You'd better be careful, Brian,

your baby sparrow's gonna peck your eyes out.

No, no, she's just--

Save it, will you?

You didn't want to have to confront her,

now you don't have to.

I hope you're happy.

Okay. Okay, fine.

I'll try it your way.

Ahem, listen, Shannon, uh, I've got something

really important I want to talk to you about.

I know you're in a rush, but this is not gonna take--

Brian, please, not now. My plane's about to board.

Whatever it is, we'll talk about it next time.

When you get back is good.

But, you know, only because you're about to board right now.

Otherwise, we'd be sitting there right now--

We'd be talking about it.

Due to mechanical difficulties,

Flight 23 to New York is temporarily delayed.

I heard about your plane, Roy. I'm on it!

Well, it looks like I have a few minutes.

What was it you wanted to talk about?

I-it seems to me that...

All right, well, it seems to them...

Actually, it seems to everybody that every time you come into...

Every time you come to the island,

we fall into a kind of a pattern.

Take the other night, for example.

I had the impression that we had a relationship started.

So that's what this is about.

I sometimes forget how you get carried away

with the slightest little gesture.

Wait, wait. Ges--? Ges--? Gesture?

That-- That gesture damned near knocked me unconscious.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

It's my phone. Excuse me.

Evacuating passengers, Roy!

Still much danger!

Uh, Lowell! Lowell! Lowell!

There was never anything really wrong with the plane.

I was just stalling so I could watch Hackett here suffer.

Oh.

Well, in that case, uh, does anyone know how to get one

of those big, inflatable emergency slides

back in the box? You-- Oh!

Yes, sir.

I don't believe what just happened.

What--? W-what's wrong? You look-- You look pale.

The case that blew up?

The client's leaving the firm.

( sighs )

And they're blaming it on me.

Oh, but you-- Don't worry about that.

I mean, that stuff happens all the time.

Right?

No, Brian, you don't understand.

This is a major blow to my career.

People don't forget about this kind of thing.

But you're a great lawyer.

If anybody can bounce back, you can.

Oh, I don't know.

I certainly don't feel like

going and facing those people in New York now.

God, I feel awful.

Wait...do you still have that reservation at the inn?

Yeah. You could have it if you want.

No, I don't want to be alone.

Why don't we go together?

It would really help me forget about everything.

You're exactly what I need right now.

Yeah. Could you j-just--?

Just wait here one second, okay?

( clears throat )

Remember what you guys were saying before

about Shannon using me?

Well, what she was just doing--

Is this sort of an example of what you were talking about?

My God, doctor, the iceman's head's starting to thaw.

Brian, look, I know this is totally against your nature,

but try to show a little character.

Just go over there and j-just say no.

Whatever she says, just say no.

HELEN: God, this is exhausting.

Oh! Gee, I know.

We didn't work this hard on our relationship.

I did.

Oh, yeah, I did too.

You know what I've been thinking?

Why should we go to an inn

when my parents have that great cottage at Sankety Point?

Oh.

It's so romantic.

Fireplace, four-poster bed, hot tub on the deck.

Did I mention that I've been studying

Japanese sensual body massage?

What do you say?

Great!

I think I can get some time off.

You know something?

Uh, I can't. I can't do this.

Why? Listen, it took me a long time

to figure this out,

but I finally did figure it out.

You've used me, and this is the last time

I'm gonna let you do this.

Used you? I don't use you, Brian.

I need you.

Oh, wh-what, am I on this planet

solely to make you feel better?

Is that it?

If you're not there for me, Brian,

what am I gonna do?

Well, you've got that ticket.

Use it.

Fine.

Goodbye, Brian.

Yes, you did it! Yeah!

Don't you feel great?

( sobbing ): No!

No, I do! I do!

I feel great!

HELEN: There you go.

I'm in control.

Ah!

Boy, you know, I feel like going out into the wilderness

and stalking some reasonably-threatening animal.

Let me-- Let me tell you one other thing.

Boy, uh, I've learned my lesson.

No woman is ever gonna use me like that again.

No, not this boy.

Never! All right. Way to go.

Whoo!

( mellow theme playing )

( rings )

ANSWERING MACHINE: Hi. This is Shannon.

Please leave a message at the beep.

( beeps )

Shannon, it's Brian.

Uh, please disregard everything I said at the airport.

I really don't know what I was thinking.

But at the moment, all I'm thinking about is that massage.

Call me back...please.

( upbeat piano theme playing )