Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

That's it.

Nobody stands up Helen Chapel.

Can't believe this. Huh.

Yeah, you bet I'll leave a message at the beep.

Hey, Michael. Guess what.

I never wanted to go out with you anyway.

You know, I got better things to do

than to spend another boring evening with you

hearin' about your therapy breakthrough.

You know, I'm so glad that you found the child within you,

because at least now

you have somebody to laugh at your stupid jokes.

So as far as I'm concerned-- Helen!

Michael.

Helen, I'm so sorry I'm late

but my car broke down on Hyannis.

And I barely caught the last flight out.

And I just didn't want to miss our date.

Oh, God, Michael.

Terrorists have invaded the airport,

and they made me say that.

Oh, God, here they come again.

Oh, God!

Oh!

Oh, Michael, what a day I've had.

Have I got a story to tell you. Heh.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Good morning. Morning.

Ah, Helen, coffee, please.

Comin' right up.

Ooh, nice gloves.

Ah, thank you.

They are made out of genuine calfskin.

My uncle makes them in Italy for only ten dollars a pair.

My goodness, I've seen gloves like those in Macy's

for a hundred dollars.

If you like, I can order some for all of you.

But, uh, they are custom-made so I need to trace your hands

on a piece of paper and fax them to him.

Great. Thanks. I'm in. Huh?

Okay, Helen. One pair.

Oh, I'll take one.

Fay, one pair.

Uh, no, just one glove.

Uh, I lost one just like that a few years ago.

The left one.

Or was it the right one?

Um, well, I'll tell you what.

Uh, I'll take one of each.

Fay, one pair.

I want a pair for my mom.

I'll go trace my hand right now.

Oh, but it won't fit her.

Exactly. Then she'll give 'em to me.

Ah, hello.

Alex Lambert, helicopter pilot from heaven.

Oh...wow.

JOE: I would sell my soul to the devil for her.

I'd drag myself naked across broken glass

just to kiss one of her footprints.

Yeah, well, I would walk across hot coals

to get to that ground glass.

Yeah, well, I would doggypaddle

across a pool of hungry piranhas--

Oh, stop it. You two are terrible.

I'd take you both over my knee

except I'm afraid you'd like it.

Excuse me, Joe, I'm goin' over there to ask her out.

Oh, yeah, right. You haven't got a chance.

Yes, I do. I'm wearing my lucky shorts.

Yeah, got 'em.

Mornin'. Uh, mind if I join you?

It's a free country, Slick.

Slick. Boy, I--

I really love when you call me that nickname.

It's like we have our own little shorthand.

It's because I can't remember your name.

Listen, um, I'm, uh,

puttin' together a little party this Saturday on my boat.

A bunch of people and myself are gonna get together

and watch the Parade of Tall Ships.

Would you like to come along?

Oh, what the hell. Sure.

Well, I, you know-- I picked-- Excuse me?

I know how this little dance would play out.

You'd keep asking, and I'd keep refusing.

And I'd finally get sick of it and give in,

so let's just skip the parry-and-thrust stuff

and go out.

Well, that's-- That's great. That's great.

But I see no reason to rush past that parry-and-thrust stuff.

See ya Saturday, Slick. Okay.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

She is goin' out with me. Yes.

Alex, me.

Got to admit, I'm a little disappointed.

I thought Alex had better taste in men

than to go out with you.

Well, obviously she doesn't.

Lowell.

Listen, um,

how much would it cost to rent a--

A decent boat for one day?

You know, nothing elaborate, just something

that would impress a very special lady.

One day? Yeah.

Ah, three, four hundred dollars.

Yipes.

Okay, well, on a totally different subject,

could I borrow your boat on Saturday?

Sure. Really?

Oh, that's great. That's great.

Man, I owe you one. Mwah. Baby.

You've probably heard this before, Brian, but, uh,

you have very soft lips.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Mornin', Joe. How are you?

Okay.

Ah, who am I kidding? I'm not okay.

You know, I--

I had a chance to ask Alex out the other day,

and I didn't.

Brian did, got a date,

and to make matters even worse,

he didn't even sleep at home last night.

You know, this is so typical.

That guy always lucks out. I-it never fails.

It's been like that ever since we were kids.

I remember once I bet him 10 bucks-- Joe.

Huh? That "how are you?"

is a rhetorical question.

What's the matter with you?

You know, all you ever do is talk about Alex.

I mean, I like her and everything,

she's really nice,

but no woman wants to hear a guy go on and on

about some other woman.

So in the future, I would appreciate

if you would consider how I feel.

Helen, I am sorry.

You're absolutely right.

So do you think he slept with her?

Joe, you're not gonna believe what happened to me.

No, no, look. I don't wanna hear what happened.

I-I don't wanna hear about your conquest of Alex.

No, no, no, no, no, I didn't sleep with Alex.

I sank Lowell's boat.

Oh...

Thank God.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

No, Joe, you don't understand.

I sank Lowell's boat.

You what? How? How did that happen?

Oh, I-- I just--

I briefly, briefly, I left the wheel,

ran right into a 60-foot cabin cruiser.

You cou-- You couldn't see

a 60-foot cabin cruiser coming?

Excuse me,

but I'm supposed to be able to pour champagne,

serve hors d'oeuvres and keep my eyes peeled

for every little bump that's on the horizon?

Wait, wait. What smells like gasoline?

Oh, that'd be me, Joe.

I spent the night in the fuel shed.

Stop!

You ever consider you might be standing next to someone

who slept in a pool of gasoline?

Some people.

Lowell...

listen, uh, I have somethin' that I have to say to you.

I sank your boat.

It's...

It's at the bottom of the harbor.

My house?

My boat?

My houseboat?

( sobs ): My boat.

Oh, my boat. My boat.

Lowell...

Everything I own was on that boat.

My clothes, my tools,

my grandfather's photographs.

Oh, no, no, no.

What--? What were they? Family pictures?

Uh, yeah, right, that's what they were.

Family pictures.

( sobs ): My boat. What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna go?

Joe, Joe, help me out here. Just say something.

Say something to console him, will ya?

It went down quick.

Listen to me. It's all my fault.

You know what?

Why don't you come live with me and Joe?

Yeah, yeah, that's a great idea, Brian.

Why don't you come and live with us?

He's not gonna be any trouble. I'll take care of him.

You say that now. But I'm the one who ends up

havin' to feed him and clean up after him.

( sobbing )

Joe, Joe, look at him.

All right, okay, but only until

we can find him a good home.

Did you hear that? What do you--?

What do you say? What do you say, Lowelly?

Well, I-I don't know.

Would I have my own room?

Well, yeah, sure.

You can sleep in the small bedroom downstairs.

The small one?

He sank my boat!

Shh, shh.

We'll work something, don't worry.

My-- My room has to face the ocean.

Uh, I can't go to sleep unless I can hear the waves.

Well, uh, the only bedroom that faces the ocean

is my bedroom.

He sank my boat.

Oh, I sank his boat, Joe. Come on.

All right, fine. Yeah, he can sleep in my bedroom.

I'll sleep downstairs. Okay?

Well...

Okay. Okay, okay.

And listen-- Listen, Lowell, if--

If there's--

If there's anything you need, okay?

Anything at all...

you just ask Brian, okay?

Well, first thing, I'm gonna need some clothes.

Sure, sure.

Well, Joe's about your size.

Joe, you'll take care of him, right?

I-- I really like this jacket.

( chuckles ): My leather jacket? Come on, Lowell.

He sank my boat!

( upbeat piano theme playing )

JOE: Five seconds left, boom,

McHale lands this three-pointer and...

( humming )

Ah, good morning, sleepyheads.

You know, I hope no one takes exception to fresh-cut flowers.

I just can't resist them myself.

Oh, listen, uh, Joe,

when you need your shirt, it's hanging in your closet.

I pressed it last night for you.

Here ya go.

Here you go.

Brian, I took the liberty of logging and labeling

all of your videotapes.

And listen, when the two of you go to take a shower,

be very careful in the bathroom

because I just waxed the floor.

Lowell?

What--? Wh-what do I smell that is so heavenly?

Oh, I'm just heating up

some of Mother Mather's family fry bread.

Its preparation is a secret,

but since we're roomies now,

I can share it with the two of you.

It's thick-cut bread dipped in egg batter.

You sprinkle a little cinnamon

and then you just throw it in the skillet and fry it.

Well, that's-- That's French toast.

Sure.

Now.

Lowell, you know,

you didn't have to go through all this trouble.

( chuckles ) Where on earth

did you learn your way around a kitchen?

Ah, from my mother.

The woman was a saint.

I mean, sure, she--

She wasn't book smart,

and she did have that fling with communism back in the '50s

but when it came to teaching

the whys and wherefores of good housekeeping,

well, she-- She just had no peer.

Heh. Hold on. Hold on, Brian.

Don't drink that.

I can see from here

the orange juice is way too pulpy.

Listen, I'm just gonna run it through a cheesecloth,

have it back to you in a jiffy.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

My friends, good news.

Your gloves have arrived from Italy.

Oh. Great, they're already here.

Here you go. Oh, they're soft.

They're nice.

And really, really big.

What is this, some kind of joke?

Uh, I don't understand. I--

I-I did everything right.

I traced your hands.

I put the drawings in the fax machine,

pushed the blue button.

Oh, brilliant. You were supposed to push the green button.

You enlarged 'em, pasta head.

Your uncle must think we're a race of giants.

Yes. Says here,

"Your large friends are very famous in our village."

( laughs )

He also wants you to know that he makes shoes.

Oh, great. You know, I'm not payin' for these.

Of course not.

It's my fault.

I'll take them.

I can, uh--

I can donate them to some charity.

Maybe needy children with bad swelling.

Man, I can't wait to see

what Lowell made us for lunch today.

He's gonna have to go a long way to beat yesterday's

Veal Prince Orloff.

Ooh.

What is that?

Ooh, that smells great.

Yeah, it appears to be marinated roast beef

on rosemary toast.

With arugula and olive tapénade.

Order's up, Roy. Tuna melt.

Goody.

The Cadillac of melted food.

Boy, I gotta tell ya.

I'm almost glad I sank Lowell's boat.

These have been the happiest three days of my life.

Me too. I'm telling ya.

Maybe Lowell would come

and stay with me for a while.

I-I could sure use a little help around the house.

You stay away from him, you understand?

He's ours.

Okay, okay. It was just a thought.

The nerve on that woman.

Oh, no. Oh, no, it's--

It's Lowell's check from the insurance company.

What, are you kidding me?

What kind of insurance company comes through that quick?

Now we're gonna lose him.

Well, not necessarily.

I mean, what if his insurance company

behaved like a real one

and took forever to send him the money, huh?

What're you saying, we hide his check?

We can't do that. It'd be dishonest.

That's-- That's terrible. Joe, Joe,

look at the bottom of your bag.

Tiny mints and a moist towelette.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Mm, what do I smell this morning?

Belgian waffles.

Brian, look what I found in your room this morning.

Didn't anyone ever teach you where dirty dishes go?

Well, Lowell, uh, I like to eat a sandwich in bed

while I watch TV.

Sometimes I raise the degree of difficulty

and bring in a woman.

( Joe and Brian chuckle )

There's a place in the house for eating,

and there's one for watching television.

Lowell, I'm aware of the layout,

but that's the way I like to do it,

so lighten up, okay?

Hey, if he wants you to eat in the kitchen,

it's a small price to pay

for all this-- Oh, yeah, but--

Look at all this.

Uh, Lowell,

listen, I'm sorry.

You're right.

Uh, from now on,

I will never bring food out of the kitchen.

Okey-dokey.

Would anyone care for fresh blueberries

on their waffle? Mm, yeah.

You have fresh blueberries?

Yes.

I got up early this morning,

and while I was waiting

for the first coat of paint to dry on the garage door,

I said to myself,

"idle hands are the devil's workshop."

So I picked some berries.

I raised my voice to him.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Mmm,

what do I smell this morning?

Oh, man, eggs Benedict.

Whoo.

Morning.

Morning.

Joe. Ho-ho-ho. What are you doing?

You're putting ketchup on eggs Benedict?

I have prepared a creamy hollandaise for that.

I just like ketchup on my eggs.

Maybe it's about time you learned another way, mister.

Look, Lowell,

I-- I'm eating all mine.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Mmm, what do I smell this morning?

Crepes a l'orange.

But you get cold cereal, little mister.

When we stay out late,

we call ahead so that someone is not at home

preparing a dinner that goes uneaten.

( grunts ) Ow.

Is this your personal milk carton, Joe Hackett?

I don't think so.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

So we're agreed. Lowell's gone.

Yeah.

Tonight we eat like the good old days.

Out of the pan standing up over the sink.

We just tell him the check came in this morning's mail.

We got a little problem here.

Check is gone.

What?

Yeah, look for yourself.

Hold on. Hold on. J-just think.

Where did you see it last?

It's in the car. That's why I'm rummaging in the desk.

Come on. Help me out just a little bit.

Hey, guys, I was just wondering--

Um, what's going on in here?

We lost something that's of vital importance.

If we don't find it, we're in real trouble.

Oh, what is it? Alex's phone number?

Heck no. It's a check.

And if we don't find it, we're dead, okay?

Wait a second, Joe...

where is Alex's phone number?

Their brains are in their boxers.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Listen, listen, Lowell's check is gone. Okay?

It's lost, and we've gotta tell him.

Joe, Brian, right on time, I see.

Lowell, how ya doin'? Hey.

I've prepared a beef Wellington

that would put a smile on the face

of Duke Wellington himself.

Lowell...

before we eat, uh,

we have something we need to talk to you about.

Do you mind if we discuss it during dinner?

Because I'd like to say grace now.

Bow your heads.

Dear Lord, thank you for the bounty before us.

On a personal note, I'd like to thank you

for my two good friends, Joe and Brian Hackett.

Joe being the one with his elbows on the table.

As you know,

I'm expecting my insurance check any day,

you willing,

and with it I'll finally be able to start my life over again.

But I'd like to thank you for Joe and Brian,

the generosity of their selfless act.

Bless them, dear Lord,

for making me a part of their family.

You guys have anything to add, uh, before I sign off?

No, that's a good job, Lowell.

That's a good job, Lowell.

Amen.

Okay. So you guys tell me what you think about this.

Uh, it appears to be some sort of...

letter.

It's my insurance check.

I found it this morning

when Joe sent me to get the keys to the airplane.

Wasn't it enough that you sank my boat, Brian?

Were the two of you going to steal my money as well?

There was a reason we were holding it.

Don't try to cover up.

I figured out what your plan was.

You did?

Yes.

You were going to wait for me

to sign my weekly timecard,

forge my signature on that check,

and then take my money and run off to the Caribbean,

where then you would buy up beachfront property

in the tax-free Cayman Islands,

all the while living like kings

as you smuggled guns and cigarettes

to revolutionaries in South America,

just waiting for Castro to fall

so you could return gambling to Cuba,

exploiting, like the cutthroats before you,

a once proud people.

Actually, Lowell,

we did it because we wanted you to stay with us a little longer.

Ha, ha, you expect me to believe a story like that?

Well, it's true, Lowell. It's true.

You're treating us so well we didn't wanna lose you.

'Course, now that you got your check,

I'm sure you're gonna wanna...

I had no idea that you guys felt that way.

I mean, with everything that's happened to me recently,

the divorce, my boat sinking,

you have no idea how good it feels to be needed again.

I can't even imagine what my life would be like

without you guys.

Aren't you even a little curious?

No way.

If you guys want me to stay around,

then I'm gonna stay around for good.

Or longer.

If you'll excuse me for a minute...

So, what do you think?

Well, lose the spoon, he's a pretty good roommate.

Uh, Lowell...

Listen, since you're gonna stay,

uh, I just have one request.

Could you just lighten up a little bit?

I mean, the rules, the regulations,

the hitting...

Yeah, I...

I guess it's a lot to expect

for you guys to fall in line overnight.

I'll give a little if you will.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure.

All right, great. Sorry.

Oh, listen, I-I still owe you dinner.

And how about I whip up a quick Shrimp Louie

with homemade Russian dressing?

A Louie? I love a Louie.

All right.

Well, you just leave it all to me,

and, uh, you guys go and relax wash your hands,

and I'll take care of everything.

Okay. Okay.

And I'll be checking under those nails.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( mellow piano theme playing )