Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Uh, your attention, please.

Sandpiper Air Flight Number 25 to Boston

will now begin boarding through--

You know what?

It might be fun if I gave you an official farewell

in the language of the original settlers of Nantucket,

the Algonquin Indians.

( speaking in Algonquin )

You're not likely to hear that again,

seeing as how almost the entire tribe

was wiped out in a flu epidemic.

Apparently the Algonquin were not a healthy people.

I think what they lacked was vitamin C.

Well, of course, try to grow citrus in this climate.

Gate 1.

( speaking in Algonquin )

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, Lowell.

Hey, Tucker!

Hey, Lo.

Hey, Tuck.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, back at you.

Hey, right back at you with the "hey" thing.

So,

Tucker, what brings you here today?

TUCKER: It's Tuesday, you mo-mo.

Oh, that's right.

I forgot.

Tuesday we go out to the dump.

Uh, excuse me, Lowell.

Why do you go to the dump on Tuesdays?

Mo-mo! Mo-mo!

On Tuesday nights a bunch of us get together

and drive out to the dump and shoot rats, Antonio.

Ahem, I came for some money.

I need to buy the beer and ammo.

Beers, guns and a bunch of idiots.

Now, there's an episode of Rescue 911

just waitin' to happen.

So you boys shoot rats?

Oh, eh.

It's much more involved than that, Antonio.

First, we drive out to the dump

and we face our pickups to the dump.

Then we turn off the lights

and sit in the dark drinking lots of beer.

Then at the stroke of 11

we bang on the lights,

and as the rats run squealing for cover,

we open fire.

Making sure to lean out the window first.

So you wanna join us tonight?

Sounds like fun. Sure.

Okay, great. Great.

I'll see you later.

See ya, Antonio.

Sure was nice meetin' you.

Can't wait to see you again tonight.

What'd you have to ask him to come along for?

Well, it seemed like the polite thing to do at the time.

Besides, nobody ever said "yes" before.

Joe, Joe.

Joe, who do I talk to

about getting somebody banned from the airport?

Some jerkwater helicopter pilot

crosses right in front of me on takeoff!

What? You too?

That idiot cut me off this morning!

Oh, what is this? "Nantucket Helicopter Tours"?

How'd this guy ever get set up on the island anyway?

Brian! Oh, Helen.

Helen, please, okay?

This is pilot-talk.

Don't you have an egg to fry or somethin'?

I know what you mean, Brian.

Just what we don't need around here is

some hotshot chopper pilot.

I'm tellin' ya. This guy's gotta be taught a lesson.

I say, we find the son of a--

You just found her.

You're--? You're the--?

HELEN: Boys, meet Alex Lambert,

owner of Nantucket Helicopter Tours.

Alex, meet the Hackett brothers.

That's Brian and that's Joe.

I would go into more depth, but...

there is none.

Charmed.

Oh, by the way, slick,

I get my clearance from the tower,

so if you have a traffic problem, talk to them.

Entirely reasonable... The tower's the problem..

Wow, talk about drop-dead gorgeous.

Oh, man, you're tellin' me.

We're talkin' no wedding ring

or visible panty lines.

Let's just get this straight, Brian.

I am the one who's askin' her out. Okay?

Joe, Joe, Joe,

that woman is a thoroughbred, okay?

I'm a world-class jockey.

You are Merle, the stable boy.

So-- So just--

Just brush your tooth,

and if I need you, I'll call you, okay?

Excuse me, guys?

Talk-- Talk to him. I'm busy.

So, Alex?

Yes. I don't know if, uh--

Uh...

Helen. Right, Helen.

I don't know if, uh, Helen told you,

but I'm the owner of Sandpiper Air.

Oh, I've seen your airline, ace.

The, uh, little blue and white job?

It's cute.

Ah, cute's pretty much what you were shootin' for,

wasn't it, Joe?

Oh, about the nicknames.

Sorry, I'm really awful with names.

Oh, hey, no, no, no, that's fine. That's fine.

Uh, I kinda like "slick."

Actually in the market for a new nickname.

Gettin' a little sick of the old one, "the piston."

BRIAN: So, uh...

Where'd a gal like you ever learn to fly a chopper, huh?

"Gal."

Forgive him.

We only recently chipped him out of a glacier.

No, no, no, all I meant was--

That's okay, slick. I'll give you one for free.

I learned to fly in the Army.

Flew an Apache in Desert Storm.

Really--? You were in the Army?

Having trouble wrapping

your mind around that one?

Oh, no, no, no. My mind is fully wrapped.

So, uh, what, uh--?

What brings you to Nantucket?

When my tour was up,

I went into business down in Florida.

And I thought I'd try it up here and see if I like it any better.

Oh, really? Really, well--

You know, you being from the military and all, Alex,

uh, we might have a lot in common

because I was in NASA.

Phew!

Did you by any chance know Chris Matthews?

You know, Brian wasn't at NASA too long.

( splutters )

BRIAN: Uh, it just so happens

that I do know Chris Matthews,

a great guy.

Chris Matthews is a woman.

Well, yes, I know that.

I know that. But I, see--

I meant guy in that-- In that non-specific,

gender-free...

unisex kind of way.

Yeah, like Miss America.

What a great guy.

I gotta go.

HELEN: Okay, bye.

I-I'll see you guys.

And I mean that in that, uh,

non-specific, gender-free, unisex kind of way.

Well,

I wish you two would stop acting like...

Oh, brother.

( clang )

I wish you two would stop acting

like a couple of hormone-crazed,

sex-starved teenagers.

Oh, come on! Get outta here!

Hey, boys, boys, save your energy.

I know women.

That lady doesn't even know

the two of you are alive.

There's a certain...

look they get when they're not interested.

Now could you get a more expert opinion?

Joe, Joey,

this is actually really very simple.

See, I sense that Alex desires fun.

I am fun.

You're not fun.

End of story, okay?

Don't be pushin' me.

Hey, don't be pullin' me, okay?

I can't believe you brought up that old NASA story.

At least I have a story, man.

What have you got to brag about?

The time you built that patio furniture?

Hey, I got a lot of compliments about that.

I remember once when I had two men chasing after me.

Oh, I bet you were flattered by all the attention, right?

Not really.

When they caught me, they stole my purse.

That could very well have been the purse

where Fay kept all her marbles.

( snickers )

( upbeat theme playing )

Morning, Helen. Hey!

Some coffee, please?

Sure, Alex.

Fay, can you handle this?

( grunts )

I was gonna sit there.

No, no, I was gonna sit there.

Tough luck, boys. The eagle has landed.

You're welcome to take this one.

Look who's sittin' here.

Alex, we didn't even see ya.

Hey, Alex. How are ya?

HELEN AND ALEX: Thanks.

Excuse me, boys.

Oh, uh, one more thing.

Sure, anything. Anything you want.

I was talking to Helen.

Can you recommend a good health club on the island?

Oh, well, I can recommend the only one.

That's the Water Street Gym.

Thanks. Okay.

Oh, feel free to fight over my seat.

I thought that's what they were doing.

Hey, Lowell,

that was some good time out at the dump last night.

Yeah, huh?

I guess I got pretty lucky.

Oh, I would call it more than luck.

You bagged more rats in one night

than anyone else has gotten in two years.

Well...

I sure like your friends.

And they seemed to like you too.

Or maybe that didn't occur to you

when they hoisted you on their shoulders

and paraded you around the pile of burning tires.

It's all still such a blur.

Anyway, your friend,

"Hey" Tucker, called me last night.

Tucker called you?

Well, yeah.

He said everyone had such fun

they want to have another rat shoot tonight.

Well, what do you and your cronies have planned next?

A Caribbean cruise?

Hello. Hi.

Ooh, what's wrong with Lowell?

He seems upset

that I shot better last night than he did.

Oh, you didn't show him up

in front of his Tuesday-night rat club, did you?

Well...

I suppose shooting that one rat

over my shoulder with the mirror

may have been over the line.

How can I make things right?

Did you ever see a musical called Annie Get Your Gun?

No.

Well, it's about this cowgirl,

and she's in love with a man,

but it's not working out

because she is a better shot than he is.

So-- So to win him over,

she arranges to let him beat her

in a shooting contest.

Well, it's blatantly sexist,

but I always seem to tap my toe in spite of myself.

Uh, you see what I'm suggesting?

You're saying to win back Lowell's friendship,

I should take him to a musical.

Sit down, dear.

Now,

we'll go over it one more time.

( mellow theme playing )

How you doin'?

( grunts )

Boy, I wish I knew you were gonna be here.

I got a jar of artichoke hearts at home.

Can't get the lid off the damn thing,

for the life of me.

( laughs )

Buff, silent type.

What the hell are you doin' here?

Oh, right now I'm composing a thank-you note

to the man who invented spandex.

Come on, Brian. Admit it.

You were hopin' to bump into Alex.

Oh, and just what do you think you're doin' here?

Hopin' the Village People make a comeback?

I mean, what is this?

This your idea of a beard?

You look like a Chia Pet. Yeah.

Ah, stop that!

Blindman's bluff. Hey, wait a second.

( arguing indistinctly )

Oh, hey, hey, Brian, look who's here.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, Alex.

Who'da guessed you'd be around?

Anyone who was standing there

when I asked Helen which gym to go to.

Oh, yeah. Well, let's, uh,

take a little run.

Ah, there's nothin' like it.

Are you a runner?

They kind of encourage it in the Army.

Oh, yeah, right. Of course they do.

Yeah, I just do it to, uh,

keep up the old cardiovascular.

I love it.

My brother.

He's, uh-- He's so modest,

you know, he's, like--

You'd never ever hear it from him

that he was one of the best milers

who ever came out of 'Sconset High.

( chuckling ): Brian, uh...

I really don't think

Alex is interested in, uh...

Huh!

Boy, this is invigorating!

Do they...

actually...

have a nurse here on the premises?

Excuse me.

I'm gonna go work on my deltoids.

I don't know what those are, but if you get tired,

I'll work 'em for ya.

Oh, hey, wait.

So, um...

You never mentioned, uh,

where you're from originally.

Look, when I come to the gym,

I come to work out.

I'm not here to socialize.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, me too.

I'm there, okay?

Cool.

'Cause-- 'Cause, you know,

when I'm here, when I'm at the gym,

you know, I'm in a zone.

Just...

Just-- It's me,

my machine and my muscle group,

you know?

Slick.

Excuse me.

I'm tryin' to focus, okay?

( grunts )

When you're through focusing,

you might wanna turn around

because you're in that thing backwards.

Well, uh,

apparently you don't know

how they use this machine over in Europe.

Well,

about ready for some, uh,

leg presses, huh?

Three hundred.

About my weight.

Okay.

( breathes rapidly )

( grunts )

Okay.

Oh...

Oh, okay, okay, okay--

Little help, little help here,

little help... You need some help?

Yeah, Joe, no, no... There we are.

No, no, no...

Oh, no, a little harder. No, no...

No, help, help, help...

Well, I'll see you around, ace.

I'm gonna go do a guts and butts class.

I'm right behind you.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I've got a wedgie happening here

you wouldn't believe.

Ow.

( upbeat theme playing )

Lowell, I never saw shooting like that before in my life.

Especially that one rat you picked off the hood

of that rusted-out Buick.

You were like a man possessed,

and believe me,

I know whereof I speak.

Well, I don't know what happened to you last night, Antonio,

but the guys sure got a kick out

of how you couldn't hit any rats.

( chuckles )

Even the big, slow dumb ones.

Hey!

I was talkin' about the rats, Tom.

Well, I guess that first night must have been beginner's luck.

Well, I guess it was.

Oh, look at the time.

Gotta run. I am performing that brain surgery at 9.

( all laugh )

And I got a meeting with the board of directors at 11.

( all laugh )

And let's not forget about

our 4:00 tee-off time at the country club.

( all laugh )

This is really funny,

but what do we do anyway?

You sure are lucky to have such friends.

Yeah, I know.

But I'm lucky to have you also, Antonio.

What do you mean, Lowell?

Well, I know what you did last night. I mean--

You missed those rats on purpose

just to make me look good in front of my friends.

How did you figure it out?

Well, pfft, I may be a humble mechanic,

but I know my musical theater.

Annie Get Your Gun,

Imperial Theater, 1946,

1041 performances.

The Merm was brilliant.

Mornin', Helen. Mr. Universe.

Helen, listen, uh, have you seen Alex?

Because I've got these fresh--

Yeah, forget it, Joe. She's not here.

Oh.

Oh, daisies for Alex.

What a magnificently uninspired choice.

Yeah, well, Brian, normally I would agree with you,

but, uh, Alex's mother tells me they're her favorite.

Her mother? Oh, yeah.

We had a lovely little chat this morning.

See, I got her number

from the application to the health club.

You called her mother?

You called her mother?

Well, I didn't call her "mother" yet.

For now it's still Adele.

Oh, man! That is-- That-- That--

That is an end run, brother!

I cannot believe you sunk so low.

I can't believe--

I can't believe I didn't

come up with it myself.

But I-- I can't--

Helen, he's upset. Brain vein.

Brain vein. Gimme that!

No, no. Get your own.

Give it to me! Sit and be quiet!

No, I'm not gonna be quiet!

Sit! Sit.

I would like to inform the two of you

that you've been behaving like asses.

When are you gonna learn

that when both of y'all fall for the same woman,

it's always trouble?

Remember Teresa Flayhive in seventh grade?

Huh?

And what about Peggy Springer in high school?

Oh, and let's not forget

the infamous Carol.

Or have you forgotten

your ex-fiancée and your ex-wife?

Now, th-that was-- That was very different

'cause Carol couldn't fly a helicopter.

That's it.

I wash my hands of this whole thing.

Think maybe she has a point?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe.

We have been actin' pretty goofy the last few days.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, maybe we have gone over the edge.

Yeah. So, what-- So what do you say?

We both stay away from her?

Yeah, I think it'd be good

if we just let the whole thing go.

Yeah, I think we have to. And you know why?

Because we are the Hackett brothers.

We don't let anything come between us.

Am I right? You're right.

We don't go chasin' after the same women.

They only come chasin' after us.

Absolutely. And we are in control.

Yes! Yes!

Hey, you two. We're havin' a meeting.

Right now. In the office.

( scoffs )

Get--

Who does she think she's--?

We're the Hackett brothers.

Nobody bosses us around.

Yeah, you're damn right.

I say we make her wait.

That's long enough. Let's go.

Well, Alex, it's, uh,

really kind of good that you're here

because we need to-- Let's let this be my meeting.

Okay?

( chuckling ): Okay.

Now, I'm on Nantucket to get my business up and running.

And the last thing I want

or have time for is a new relationship.

So, you see,

you guys are spending way too much time

pursuing something that's not gonna happen.

Now you can brag, you can exercise,

you can even

sit there with those goofy looks on your faces

and act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

Whatever you do,

stop it.

Are you finished? Ho, ho, ho, man.

Because before you start feelin' just--

Just a little too good about yourself.

Right.

We have already decided

that we're gonna stop chasin' after you.

That's right. That's right.

'Cause, uh, we're the Hackett brothers.

You know what that means?

Hm, let's see.

I know it isn't cough drops.

I will tell you.

It means that when it comes to women,

we are in control.

See, you're not interested in us.

We are not interested in you.

And the world will just go on a-spinnin'.

Fine.

So this is good. We have an understanding.

Yes, we do.

You know,

maybe this is all for the best because

when you get right down to it,

I really find only one of you attractive.

Huh? Huh?

What's up?

I think I just did a bad thing.

Oh, I like the sound of that.

Let's hear it.

What does she think she's tryin' to pull, huh?

We're the Hackett brothers.

We're in control. Am I right?

Heh, Joe, am I right?

Why would she say that?

Payback, I guess.

For putting up with all their nonsense.

Mm-hm.

I mean, you're a woman, Helen.

You know what it's like

when guys are hitting on you all the time.

Oh, well, ye--

Yeah, I do.

Well, you know, I think it was

pretty obvious who she meant.

I mean, she was lookin' right at me.

She was-- She was lookin' through you to look at me.

Oh, no.

She was not. Yes, she was.

Yes, she was. No, she was not.

Yes, she was. No, she wasn't.

Stop it. It's happening again.

No, it is not. Yes, it is.

It is not. Yes, it is.

Stop it!

Oh, I'm feelin' a little guilty.

I mean, they're really not bad guys.

They're just...

Jerks. Yeah!

Well, I'm gonna go in there

and let them off the hook.

What? No way! Don't you dare.

They deserve this.

Let that little bur stay under their saddles

till it rubs 'em good and raw.

I'm impressed.

You know, behind that

sweet, innocent exterior

you may actually be worse than I am.

Oh, you're just sayin' that.

Listen here, missy.

We were in there talkin'

and we decided that we were not born yesterday.

Yeah, that's right. You see,

we are the Hackett brothers.

You're in control, right?

Just as advertised.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, and that little, uh,

stunt that you just pulled in there

about finding only one of us attractive--

That was a very nice try,

but we know a bluff when we see it,

and that was a bluff.

You're right. It was.

Yeah, you're darned right-- What?

It was a bluff.

I don't find either one of you attractive.

Yeah, you bet your life you don't!

Guess we told her.

JOE: Yeah, we'll see you around.

Hey, uh--

Did that come out the way it was supposed to?

Uh, I don't know. I got kinda lost there.

Yeah, but we're still in control, right?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

They're even stupider than I thought.

( upbeat piano theme playing )