Original subtitles

( upbeat theme playing )

LOWELL: Okay, Helen.

I think she's fixed. Uh...

you can go ahead and turn on the stove.

Okay.

Okay.

All right. Give her-- Give her some gas.

Okay. A little more.

All right. A little more.

Okay. A little bit more.

Okay.

( flames roar ) Whoa! Turn it off!

Oh, God!

It's off.

Well, she's as good as new.

Oh!

Oh, Lowell. Are you all right?

Oh, yeah.

It takes more than a solid wall of blue flame

to slow down Lowell Mather.

Oh, here let me help you with this.

No, that's okay. No, really.

It's the least I can do. No-- That's okay.

I can get it. Whew.

That's for fixing my stove.

And that's for being so sweet, Lowell.

Hey, Backdraft, your hat's smokin'.

I was fixing Helen's stove.

Oh-ho. I thought you were trying to remember where you live.

( upbeat theme playing )

( knock at door )

Joe, sorry to interrupt you.

Uh, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, sure, Lowell. Come on in.

Hey, Lowell, uh,

did you know that your hat is smoldering?

Yes, I do.

Joe, I need to ask you about something.

And Brian, it's a little personal.

Ah, don't worry, Lowell.

There's nothing you can say in front of Joe

that I won't have to explain to him later.

Just what exactly is that supposed to mean?

Shh. Later. Later, Joe. Go head.

Joe, uh, when it comes to you and Helen,

would you say there's any of that romantic stuff

still going on?

No.

Okay, that's all I needed to know.

See ya. BRIAN: Lowell, wait. Whoa.

You weren't-- You weren't thinking of asking Helen out

on a date, now, were you, Lowell?

Uh, actually I wasn't.

But then her soft, moist lips caressed my cheek,

and suddenly I realized just how lonely I've been.

It was as if long-dead feelings were suddenly awakened--

JOE: Wait, back up, back up, back up.

Back up, Lowell.

Helen kissed you?

Twice.

Why on earth would...?

I-- I mean, why?

Couldn't help herself, I guess.

Listen, Lowell. Uh, listen, buddy.

You know, sometimes women do things that are friendly,

and that's all they are, is friendly.

Well, what exactly are you saying, Joe?

That Helen wouldn't be interested in going out

with someone like me?

( in high-pitched tone ): No, no, no, no...

Joe, Joe, the voice. ( deepened tone ): ...no, no.

I'm not saying that at all.

Well, spit it out, man. I'm not made of glass.

Though sometimes I wish I were,

glass being an extremely poor conductor of electricity.

Lowell,

I think what Joe is saying here

is that nobody ever got anything in this life

without sticking their neck on the line.

So you go for it, big guy. No, Brian--

Well, that's all I needed to hear.

Here goes nothin'.

Now, why on earth did you do that?

I'd better warn Helen.

( line rings )

Lunch counter. Helen Chapel speaking.

How may I help...? Yeah, yeah. Helen, listen.

It's Joe. Uh, listen... Hold on.

Lowell's trying to ask me something.

( inaudible )

( laughs )

Well, do you think he asked her?

( Lowell screams )

Nice going, Brian. Lowell's upset.

Helen's in a really embarrassing position.

Got anything else planned for today?

If I could just get Roy to light that cigar I gave him,

then I'd say my work is done.

( explosion )

It's Miller time.

( upbeat theme playing )

Lowell.

Oh, hello there, Helen.

Uh, I've been looking all over for you.

Are you okay?

Of course.

Why wouldn't I be okay?

Well, you seemed pretty upset

when you ran out of the terminal.

Well, I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.

Yes, you do.

Now, I don't think we can just ignore what just happened.

Nothing happened, you silly lady.

Okay. You're right.

I probably just imagined the whole thing.

But just in case I didn't,

I want you to know that I laughed

because you surprised me.

I mean, I didn't think you were serious.

Well, an unnecessary apology,

but I accept.

Great, because I certainly didn't mean to imply

that going out on a date with you

would be something to laugh at.

So...?

So...

I hope we can just put this behind us.

And...?

And...

uh, it'll never happen again.

Meaning...?

Meaning?

Will you go out with me or not?

Um...

So you won't go out with me?

Well, no, Lowell, I didn't say that.

So you will go out with me?

Well, no, I didn't say that either.

Well, which is it?

You won't go out with me, or you will go out with me?

Lowell, I just don't see any reason why...

not.

Let's go out.

Whoa.

Well, that came outta nowhere.

We can, um, just go to dinner, or something. Okay?

Okay. I'll pick you up at 8.

Tonight?

Why wait?

And, uh, you might wanna wear something black.

Oh, listen, you know,

we don't have to go anywhere fancy.

Well, we're not.

It's just that there's a big grease stain

on the seat of my truck.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

What are you looking at, Roy?

You know, Fay,

you really are quite a handsome woman.

Just how many martinis did you have at lunch today?

Three. Why?

I can always tell when Roy's had lunch at the Elks Club.

Perhaps you should just accept Roy's compliment for what it is.

After all,

you do look particularly appealing this afternoon.

And where did you eat lunch?

I was Roy's guest.

Uh, I think I'd better take the keys to your cab.

Here you go.

I think I'll take a little nap in the hangar.

You hot number, you.

Hey, guys. BOTH: Hey, Helen.

So, uh, how'd your date go with Lowell last night?

( snickering ): We would have asked him,

but we haven't seen him yet this morning.

( both snicker )

You don't have him handcuffed to the bedpost, do you?

( both laugh )

Is he your love slave now?

Ha, ha, ha.

( both snickering )

HELEN: Okay, if it'll shut you two up,

I'll tell you how it went.

Lowell and I had a really nice time.

( both cackle )

Wait. That's not funny.

You could have knocked me over with a feather,

but it's true.

All right, okay. Okay.

Let me just, uh, ask you two questions:

Where did he take you to eat?

( chuckling ): And did he order a Happy Meal?

Actually, he took me to the Sea Shanty

down on Little Neck Road.

And then-- Wait a second, okay.

Sea Shanty, dinner, fine.

What happened at the door?

Well, after dinner, we took a walk down the beach

and we came across these little tide pools.

There were little turtles, sea urchins, a whole microcosm--

Yeah, yeah, turtles, sea urchins, tide pools, great.

Now, what happened at the door? At the door?

You wanna know what happened at the door? I'll tell you.

He kissed my hand.

Where was your hand? Whoa! Check, please.

Oh, like you weren't thinking the same thing, okay? Come on.

All right, okay. So, what are you saying?

Are you saying that you would go out with him again?

Yeah.

If he asked me I would.

Go out with Lowell? Yes.

You and Lowell, I-I cannot imagine

a weirder couple than that.

( hooting, laughing)

ROY: Stop it! Stop it.

( both giggling, yelling )

( giggling ): Stop it!

Oh, my God.

I hope they've been drinking.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, Joe. Here's the service log.

It's all up-to-date now. Oh, great. Thanks, Lowell.

W-w-wait. Not so fast there, young man.

I believe, uh, you had a date last night.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

Tell us about your evening with Helen, huh?

My date? BRIAN & JOE: Yeah.

Well, if you guys can keep a secret,

I'll, uh--

I'll sum up my date with Helen in two words:

Bore-ring.

You're kidding.

Oh, I wish I were.

All through dinner she just kept chattering on and on

about people in the news and world events and music.

I mean, excuse me, there's a reason they put PBS

on the channels nobody watches.

Anyway, after two hours of her nonstop yakking,

I figured, the only way I was gonna salvage the evening

was to take her out to the sewage plant,

a place where you just can't help but have a good time.

But she gets sidetracked by these tide pools.

And she's going on and on about sea urchins

and the meaning of life.

I mean, didn't we all sleep through that lecture

in high school?

You guys haven't seen Helen around today, have you?

Well, she was at her counter before.

Looks like she's gone now.

I'd better get out there and get something to eat

before the human yawn shows up.

Afternoon, Lowell. How are you?

Hey, Lowell.

Huh? Where you been all day?

Uh, hiding...? I-I wasn't hiding.

Can't a guy do his job without being accused of hiding?

I didn't say anything about hiding.

I just haven't seen you and I wanted to say

I had a really nice time last night.

So did I. Good.

Well, enough about me.

I'm gonna get back to the old salt lick.

Mine.

What? Salt mine.

Saw your what?

Forget it, Lowell.

Huh. Good, because I gotta get back to the old salt lick.

Listen, Lowell,

uh, there's a show opening this Saturday at the Waldman Gallery.

And I thought maybe you'd like to go.

Saturday? Uh-huh.

Oh, Saturday.

Saturday.

Saturday...

Ooh. Satur--

Saturday.

Saturday...

Saturday. Lowell.

You didn't answer my question. You wanna go?

Well, what day was that again?

Saturday.

Right, right.

Saturday. Saturday...

Lowell!

Uh, fine. I-I'll see you on Saturday.

Okay, great. Okay.

Darn. Why'd she have to ask me out on Saturday?

There's another reason I wish I was Jewish.

( upbeat theme playing )

And you guarantee it's gonna be at my house

in 30 minutes, or it's free?

Uh-huh.

I'm settin' my watch.

Bye.

Outta the way, Cochran.

What's the hurry, Roy? I just ordered a pizza.

If I don't get in front of that delivery guy and slow him down,

I gotta pay for it. Move it or lose it.

And women complain all the good men are taken.

Lowell, aren't you going to be late

for your evening with Helen?

Well, actually I-- I need a little advice.

Please, bend my ear.

It was a figure of speech.

What's the problem?

Well, you see, when Helen asked me out,

I-- I wanted to tell her "no."

But I couldn't.

Now I'm afraid that this is just gonna go on and on.

I mean, we'll get engaged and married

and have a whole mess of kids

and they'll go off to college.

Next thing you know, it'll be our 40th wedding anniversary.

If I tell her I don't wanna date her then,

it'll really sound stupid.

You know, uh, there is a way to deliver, uh, unpleasant news

without offending.

For example, when I was a waiter,

a gentleman wanted to send back a steak.

He told me, "Please understand I am very, very picky.

"This is a beautiful piece of meat.

"It is well marbled.

"It-- It does not have too much, uh, fat.

But it is not done to my liking."

And I was more than happy to oblige.

Because he was so nice to you?

That and because I knew Antonio would be dining well that night.

But, uh, back to your problem.

Uh, the most important thing is for you to remind Helen

what a wonderful human being she is,

and that while she is a fragrant flower,

sadly, you will not be the one to pick her.

Pick her what?

Good luck.

( upbeat theme playing )

( indistinct chatter )

Isn't this just amazing?

Oh, amazing.

It's elegant. Mm-hm.

I'm particularly impressed with the artist's handling

of the medium's natural inconsistencies,

not to mention the delicate brushwork.

I can't believe you got that

off of one quick look at this painting.

Painting?

Oh, I thought we were talking about the wall.

( laughs )

See, that's what I love about you. You are so funny.

( mouths ): Funny?

Listen, Helen, uh,

I was thinking about our date the other night...

Oh, so was I. You know, Lowell,

it's the most refreshing evening I've had in a long time.

Well, that's probably because we were standing upwind

of the sewage plant. ( chuckles ): Pfft!

See what I mean? You just kill me.

But Helen, uh, getting back to our date the other night.

You know, I had a good time-- Oh, oh, listen, before I forget.

Fay came in the other morning

raving about the botanical gardens in Hyannis.

So I thought maybe, uh, if you want to,

we could go check it out together.

I'm gonna take Thursday off, so, uh, are you interested?

Thursday? Uh-huh.

Thursday...

Thursday, uh, no--

No, I'm varnishing my boat on Thursday.

Oh, okay.

Well, I'm taking it off anyway. You need a hand?

No-- No, no.

Varnishing a boat, uh, it's a one-man job.

That's like my grandfather always used to say:

"Varnishing a boat, it's a one-man job."

But-- But you know, it's your day off.

I mean, y-you shouldn't be working.

You should be out having fun.

You know, riding a bike or, uh-- Uh, flying a kite,

or, uh, planning a picnic.

Ooh, a picnic.

I haven't been on a picnic in ages.

Why don't we plan one for next weekend?

Picnic?

Uh...

Um, Helen--

You know what I love about abstract art?

It lets you get in touch with your own emotions.

Like this painting. What do you see?

I see a man trapped in a small room.

Hm. Uh...

H-H-He-- He's lost all of his freedom.

His world is closing in on him.

But the-- He's choking. He's gasping.

Uh, there's no escape. He's--

Uh, Lowell, uh, I-- I think you're reading

a little too much into this one.

Pardon me.

I couldn't help overhearing what you just said.

While I hadn't intended to depict claustrophobia

in my painting,

it is gratifying to see someone responding

to the pure visceral impact of my work.

Thank you.

Hey! How about that?

Boy I sure am glad I didn't say the other thing I was thinking.

What's that?

Neat colors. ( laughs )

What am I, Henny Youngman?

Listen, Helen, uh, before we look at another painting,

there-- There's really something that I need to tell you

and-- And it's not gonna be easy.

Uh, however, I'm not so sure it won't be funny.

Lowell, we're friends.

If you have something to say, just say it.

Great, great.

I'm just gonna come right out with it then.

Helen, you're a beautiful piece of meat.

You're tender, well aged, excellently marbled,

but, uh, just a little too fatty for my taste.

Lowell, are you dumping me?

Uh, you know, uh, that word has different meanings

to different people.

Uh, I don't think of a dump as a bad place.

It's a place where-- Where friends can gather.

Uh, have a beer or two. Shoot a rat, possibly.

It-- It's not necessarily negative.

Yes, I'm dumping you.

Well, okay.

I mean, basically we've just gone to dinner

and an art gallery

so it's not like a big relationship is crumbling.

But I-I gotta admit, I'm curious. Why?

Well, it all comes down to this.

You're botanical gardens, and I'm a sewage plant.

You're a picnic. I'm a tractor pull.

You're classical music. I'm...another tractor pull.

You're...

Yeah, Lowell, that's enough. I-- I understand.

It's okay.

All right.

Oh, Helen.

Uh, just outta curiosity,

um, i-if we hadn't split up today,

do you think that I would have had a chance with you,

you know, later on tonight?

No way.

Well, I don't know about you,

but I'm feeling better about this breakup already.

( upbeat theme playing )

Helen?

Joe, what are you doin' here?

Uh, I was out working in the hangar,

putting Armor All on the landing gear.

You were putting Armor All on plane wheels?

Oh, it looks nice, okay?

Wh-What are you doing here?

Well, I was on my way home,

and then I remembered a lemon meringue pie

was just delivered here this morning.

So...

Then why are you eating chocolate frosting?

'Cause the raspberry tart I ate after the pie

left a bitter taste in my mouth.

Oh, Helen, Helen. I know you.

You only eat like this

when something's really bothering you.

Oh, Joe, as if my life weren't pathetic enough,

I've been dumped...

by Lowell.

( chuckles ): Really?

I-- I mean, I'm-- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You know, I knew it wasn't gonna amount to anything.

I was just having a good time.

But being dumped is being dumped.

It still shows in your dating stats.

Oh, I don't know, Joe.

Maybe I'm just one of those people

that was meant to be alone.

Oh, come on, Helen. You're never gonna be alone.

You've got lots of friends.

And I'd trade all of them

for just one person who really cared about me.

Listen to me. You are smart, attractive, talented.

And soon you are gonna find someone

that appreciates how really extraordinary you are.

You really think so?

Hell, you had me fooled there for a while.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I am kidding.

You know what thought just went through my head?

Uh...there's chocolate-chip cookie dough

in the refrigerator?

Not anymore.

I was thinking

what if you were that someone?

Ah. Helen. Well, no, really.

I'm serious. I mean, think about it.

Maybe our timing was just off.

Maybe it's no accident that we're both still alone

a year after we broke up, Joe. Come on, Helen.

You're just having a bad night.

Oh, and, uh, just to be clear about this,

you were the one that wanted to break up.

Yeah, maybe I was.

Maybe I just didn't realize everything we had, Joe.

I was ready to give it another try.

( sighs )

You know, maybe we were on the right road,

but we just took a wrong turn.

Maybe we did.

BOTH: Nah.

HELEN: Good night, Joe.

JOE: Good night, Helen.

( upbeat theme playing )