Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Hey, Antonio. What are you writing?

Ah. A poem.

The Nantucket Tourism Board is putting together a booklet

uh, written by local poets.

I didn't know you wrote poetry. I don't.

But the best poem gets a hundred bucks.

So I figure, "What the hey?"

Well, I'm game. Uh, let's hear it.

Okay.

It's called "Waiting For a Fare."

Hm.

Waiting for a fare

Here comes one now.

Oh, he looks like he wants To go someplace far.

What? You just want directions To the lighthouse?

It's right there, You stinking little tourist.

What are you, blind?!

Hey! You're gonna lose That finger, pal!

Get in. I'll drive you Into the cold, dark ocean!

Waiting for a fare.

So, what do you think?

Well, Antonio, that was very nice.

Um, but don't you think maybe the Tourism Board

would want something a little more upbeat?

Oh. No problem.

And come back soon.

( upbeat theme playing )

Here you go, Antonio.

You can't watch a Red Sox game without a hot dog.

Ah. Thank you, Helen.

ALL: Ooh, fries.

The game's about to start.

ANNOUNCER ( on TV ): Ladies and gentlemen, to sing the national anthem,

please welcome popular rap recording artists,

Ice Tray and the Cold Boys.

Who? MAN ( on TV ): Here we go.

( all beatboxing )

Up, up. Come up.

ICE TRAY ( rapping ): Yo, say can you see

By the dawn's Early light

What so p-p-proudly We hailed

At the twilight's Last gleaming?

What is he doing to the national anthem?

He's rapping, Roy.

( sighs ): I can't believe people try

and pass this stuff off as music.

It's an abomination.

It's an affront to real musicians everywhere.

And it's got a snappy little beat to it too.

Oh, say BOTH: What?

Does that star-spangled Banner yet wave?

What kind of name is Ice Tray, anyway?

Hm. Tray.

I think it's French.

Does the star-spangled Banner yet wave?

Is this Ice Tray the one who was in Boyz n the Hood?

Oh, no. That's Ice Cube.

Then who sang the song about the Ninja Turtle?

That-- That was Vanilla Ice.

Wait. Isn't Ice Cube

the basketball player?

No, no, no. That's Ice-T. No.

That's the Iceman.

I wonder if Ice-T

is related to Mr. T.

I wonder if Mr. T is related to Mr. Coffee.

I wonder if your mother's related to your father.

The point is, that song was written with respect,

and that's how it should be sung, for God's sake.

Even I could sing it better than that dope.

Oh. Yeah, right. Oh, yeah, right, Roy.

Yeah, yeah. So you mean to say

you could sing the national anthem?

You bet I could. Really?

In front of all those people? Damn straight.

When the Community Players needed a lead

for their production of Man of La Mancha,

who do you think they called?

Rudy, down at the scrap yard.

All right,

but when he had artistic differences with the director,

they called me.

And I went out there and sang every night

in front of all those people.

I was fantastic.

Fourteen nights straight I packed 'em in.

Talking about the audience or those toreador pants

you had to wear during the second act?

Look, I think this fine is totally unjustified,

and I don't see why I should have to pay it.

For one thing, I know that my assistant files those reports

every single day.

And for another thing, sh--

What?

She didn't? Are you sure?

( sighs )

All right, let me get back to you.

( sighs ) Damn it.

Fay, can I see you for a second?

Oh, certainly, Joe.

Have a seat.

( airplane flies overhead )

So how are you today?

Fine.

Oh, Fay, uh, something happened today.

Something you did.

Something...

Well...it isn't good.

Well, whatever it is, just tell me. Okay.

Well...what happened

is really sort of...

infuriating.

( scoffs ): Well,

you don't seem infuriated.

But if you are, go ahead and let me have it

with both barrels.

Okay.

Uh, I just got off the phone with the FAA.

Now, you remember those service difficulty reports,

the ones I told you must be filed every day?

Well, you missed three already this month, Fay,

and thanks to your carelessness,

the FAA is fining me $500.

Where am I gonna get 500 bucks, Fay?

( sobbing )

Fay. Uh...

Uh...

I tried so hard.

I-I--

I-I-- I didn't mean to make you...

I'm-- I'm older. Sh. Now--

Sometimes I forget.

( sobs ) It's okay. Now...

just because-- My a-- Arthritis.

I-I-I know. I know.

All my responsibilities. Oh--

Oh-oh, I know.

Mm.

There. Look, Fay,

let's just forget that I even mentioned this, okay?

N-no, I-I'm glad you unburdened yourself.

You gonna be all right?

Oh, yes. U-um... I'll just go out

to the, uh, fuel shed and compose myself.

( gasps )

I just hope you feel better.

( sobbing )

Uh, uh, uh. Hey, Roy. It's all set.

What are you talking about, Hackett?

Well, you know. What you were talking about before.

About singing the national anthem.

I just got off the phone.

The Red Sox are expecting you on Thursday.

Hey! Oh, yeah, right--

No, real-- Hey, really. Really.

My college roommate works in the PR department.

He set it up.

So, uh, I can tell him you're gonna make it, right?

Will you get serious?

Wait a second. You just got through telling us

what a great voice you have.

Hey, you weren't lying about that, were you, Roy?

I was just making a point, Hackett.

Besides, heh, I'm way too busy.

( clucks )

Don't be childish. You can't really expect me to--

( clucks )

I can't go running off to--

( all clucking )

I was just saying--

( moos )

Don't we have some kind of barnyard thing going here?

So-- So, Roy, in other words, uh,

all that talk about singing the national anthem

was just a bunch of hot air, as usual, right?

Yeah. As usual. As per usual, Roy, there.

You guys think I'm scared, huh?

Well, I'm gonna show you how scared I am. You go ahead.

You call your friend and set it up.

And while you slack-asses are sitting around here

on your thumbs,

I'm gonna be showing you how "The Star-Spangled Banner"

is supposed to be sung.

I can't believe you got him to do it.

Someday, I must learn to use my powers for good,

not just evil.

Okay, everybody, Thursday night,

anthem party, right here on me.

Yeah. LOWELL: Okay. And Brian.

Might I say you do an excellent rendition of a chicken.

Of course, no one can top my Aunt Frieda.

Why, whenever she'd get up from her chair,

you'd check for eggs.

Found one once.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( knocking on door )

Joe. Do you have a minute?

I-I just wanted to talk to you

about what happened between us

the other day. Oh, good, Fay.

Because I feel really bad about the way we left things.

Oh, I-I can't believe the way I reacted.

Oh, well, you know. Emotions run high, and we just--

Oh, I know. It was really silly, wasn't it?

( chuckles ): It sure was.

( both laughing )

Well, at least we're laughing about it.

Well...

And-- And-- And I want you to know something.

What?

I forgive you.

( laughing )

Forgive me? ( laughing )

For what?

Well, for making me cry.

Uh, uh, uh. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

I don't mean to split hairs, Fay,

but I didn't exactly make you cry.

I mean, y-you made me tell you something

that I really didn't want to,

and, well, to be honest, it--

It really started when you made that bonehead mistake

that cost me $500.

( laughing )

Bonehead mistake? Y--

Well, yeah. That's what it was.

It was a silly-- ( sobbing )

I came in here to try to make things right.

Fay. I-- And then you just

opened the wound all over again.

Fay, come on. I-- Don't touch me!

What happened?

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, pregame's over, everybody. Roy's almost on.

ANTONIO: I'm so excited.

I've never known anyone who's been on TV before.

Uh, except for my cousin, Angelo.

Is he some kind of celebrity in Italy?

No. He was videotaped

robbing a convenience store.

Yep.

A recording of this once-in-a-lifetime occasion

is gonna make the perfect Christmas gift for Roy.

Right about now, the old VCR at home

is electronically turning itself on

and switching to channel 11.

Lowell, the game's on channel 13.

Oh.

Well, that's okay.

I think I forgot to put a tape in anyway.

I didn't miss it, did I?

Uh, no. Saved you a seat. Thank you.

Wow. You made great time from Hyannis.

Yeah.

You did wait for all the passengers,

didn't you?

Passengers?

Look, they're driving Roy onto the field.

Hey, hey, hey. There he is.

HELEN: You know, usually the good thing

about Roy not being here is

he's not here.

And now he's not here, and he is still here.

Ah. Now, there's one for the philosophers.

That's sort of like...

if I were to drink soda out of this coffee cup,

could I still, in fact, call it a coffee cup?

Whoa. Is anyone else freaking out right now?

ANNOUNCER ( on TV ): Ladies and gentlemen,

please rise and direct your attention...

All right. Yeah, look at him.

...where our national anthem will be sung

by Nantucket resident,

Mr. Roy Buggins.

( all laugh )

Buggins.

Ha. Leave it to Roy to come up with a catchy stage name.

( "The Star-Spangled Banner" playing on stadium PA )

Oh-- Oh...

MAN ( on TV ): Unbelievable. The guy fainted.

I mean, I've been doing this for 17 years.

I have never seen anything like it.

( man speaking indistinctly on TV )

Oh, my God. He fainted.

Laying out there flat.

Play ball.

( upbeat theme playing )

HELEN: Well, well, well.

It's 4:00, and look who decided to show his face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Saw you on TV last night, Roy.

You done real good.

I've seen the, uh, national anthem

done a lot, but you were--

You were flat out the best.

( all laugh )

Just shut up. I g-- I got hit with a flu bug.

HELEN: Oh. I got a little lightheaded.

Are you sure it was not something you ate?

You seemed to be... choking out there.

( laughs )

It could happen to anybody.

If I had another chance, I could knock 'em dead.

You know what? I bet you if I told my friend what happened,

they'd let you sing it again.

I hear there's an opening on Smelling Salts Night.

( all chuckle )

Fine. Fine. If your lives are so boring,

that this is all you've got to talk about, fine.

Go ahead.

I can take the heat.

Well I hope so, Roy,

'cause you're on television again.

ROY: What? ( upbeat music playing on TV )

Last night at Fenway, the Red Sox game was delayed

by a blackout.

Power shortage? No. I'm talking about the guy

that came to sing the national anthem.

( explosion )

Say hello to Roy "Blackout" Buggins.

It's Biggins, you jerk.

After he hit the deck, Buggins was carted off the field

like freshly-killed game.

Nice form, Roy.

Speaking of nice form, let's take a look

at some sparkling defensive play

from around the world of baseball.

Ah, here's a gem.

Routine grounder. Easy out, right?

Wrong. What do you think of that, Roy?

( gong resonates )

( laughs ): Hey, Roy.

And I thought Bush throwing up

on the Japanese was funny.

And here's a close play. Too close to call.

You make the call, Roy.

Out. Safe. Out. Safe. Out. Safe. Out. Safe. Out. Safe.

He's...out.

( clicks off )

This is outrageous.

I'm gonna sue his pants off. He can't do that.

Oh, yes, he can. You remember when that Bruins fan

fell headfirst onto the ice?

LOWELL: Oh, that wasn't half as funny,

and they used that clip for months.

HELEN: Yeah, he got so sick

of everybody kidding him all the time

that he lost his job, his wife left him,

and finally he had to just move out of state.

Hint, hint.

Well, that is not gonna happen to me.

And do you wanna know why?

Because your wife already left you?

No. Because I'm gonna show that sportscaster.

I'm gonna show you.

I'm gonna show the whole world that I can do it.

It's the only way I'll ever get this monkey off my back.

Mark my words, heh-ho...

Roy Biggins will sing again.

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Good night, Fay.

Night.

( sighs )

Uh, if you're finished with that, could I have it?

I'm recycling.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm all for helping out the environment.

Oh-- Well, there's that. But I'm doing it for the money.

I can get five cents apiece down at the market.

It's all part of my plan to pay you back for the FAA fine.

Fay, you don't have to pay me back.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm-- I'm glad to do it.

I figure a can here,

a stamp steamed off an envelope there...

I should have your money back to you in no time.

( sighs ) Fay, I wish-- I--

Ooh. Two liters.

My lucky day.

( door opens )

Helen, not so fast. I need to talk to you.

Oh, what is it, Roy? I'm kind of in a hurry.

I-I just got off the phone with the Red Sox.

They said I could sing again next Thursday night, if--

If I want to.

Oh, great. Have a good time.

Okay, okay, Helen.

It wasn't the flu that made me faint last night,

it was worrying about hitting that high note.

You know: O'er the land of the

( croaks ): Free

I just can't get to it.

If I faint again, I am gonna be a laughingstock

the rest of my life.

Well, it's gotten you this far. I'd go with it.

Oh, damn it, Helen. All I need is help hitting that one note.

You went to music school.

You're bound to know some kind of trick.

You've got to help me. No, I don't, Roy.

What if I buy lunch from you every day next month?

You do that anyway. I'll eat in my office.

Deal. Sing.

Okay. Here goes.

( clears throat )

O'er the land of the

( croaks ): Free-e

That's your problem, Roy.

You gotta sing from your diaphragm.

What are you talking about? Show me.

Oh, I gotta get a life.

All right. Turn around.

Ugh.

Okay. Try it again.

O'er the land Of the free

Ho-ho, God. Oh, yes.

I got there, Helen.

A-again. Again.

Oh. That was unbelievable.

And after all this time,

and not being able to do it myself.

Don't worry. Didn't see a thing.

Roy, you old dog. You finally got her, huh?

Helen, I'm more than a little disappointed in you.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, yeah, these are great seats, Brian.

Any further out in left field,

we'd be sitting in Lansdowne Street.

Okay. If you wanted to see the game,

you could have watched it on television.

But we're here to see Roy make an ass of himself.

By my calculations,

he should be hitting the ground

right about there.

Wow. These are great seats.

Hey, Mattingly! You're a bum!

BRIAN: Helen. Helen.

You promised. And why is it

every time we go to a ball game,

you turn into the fan from hell?

( honks )

I still regret taking her

to that golf tournament.

Hey, I'm starving. What do you say?

Fenway Franks all around? Sounds good.

Do it. Uh, not for me, thanks.

I brought a jelly sandwich.

Oh, Fay, you can't go to a ball game

and not have a hot dog.

Well, those of us who are watching our pennies

can't afford the luxury of treats.

For God's sake. Fay, I'll pay for it.

Oh, I wouldn't want to owe you any more money

than I already do.

Uh, I don't understand. You're not a player.

Why do you wear a glove?

Well, Antonio, at some point in the game,

or during batting practice, like now,

they could just knock one up here. Huh.

Yeah, it's a long shot...

but...if you can go home

with a genuine Major League baseball,

well, you've got yourself

one of the greatest souvenirs there is.

( bat cracks ) Never have gotten one.

( all yelling )

Oh. All right.

( hits glove ) Maybe today.

Hey. Fenway Franks.

Hey, popcorn here, please.

Ah. I get it.

Uh, whatever they are selling, that's what you yell out.

Yeah, that's just about it.

Hey. Big, spongy index finger.

Hey, Tartabull!

You swing like a rusty gate!

Helen, the man is holding a bat.

Hey, you guys want a beer?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Please, Joe, allow me.

Hey, beer.

I love this.

Fay...would you like a beer?

Oh. No, thank you. If I get thirsty,

I'll just walk 23 sections

over to the lukewarm water fountain

outside the smelly men's bathroom.

Tell me when you're going, would you?

JOE: That is it.

You are not paying me back.

If you do I'm gonna throw it away.

And you're not having a jelly sandwich.

You are having... Hey.

...a hot dog and a beer like a normal person.

I can see this was all my fault.

I never should have pointed out a mistake.

I'm sorry that I did it. I'm sorry I made you cry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Now, was that so hard?

Um...well now that I have a little extra money,

I believe I'll buy myself a souvenir.

Oh, allow me.

Antonio, give Fay the finger.

Oh, thank you. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

please rise and direct your attention to center field

for our national anthem. All right.

Oh, here we go.

Whoo! ( honks horn )

Ah. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

( honks horn ) Stop it!

ANNOUNCER: To perform tonight,

let's welcome back a brave trouper,

Mr. Ray Biggins.

( crowd cheering )

Give 'em hell, Ray.

Oh, say can you see

By the dawn's early light

Isn't Roy supposed to have fainted by now?

We hail

At the twilight's...

The bombs bursting in air

He doesn't stink.

He does not stink.

We flew all the way to Boston to see him stink,

and he doesn't.

You know, you count on people to come through,

and they just break your heart.

There's still a chance, isn't there?

Ah, Joe, Joe. Ever the optimist.

Just wait a minute, wait a minute.

He hasn't hit the high note yet. Mm.

He'll be sucking sod any minute now.

O'er the land Of the...

( mouths ): Free

( static crackles )

I can't hear him.

His microphone cut out.

Of the brave

( crowd applauding, cheering )

It almost looked like he did hit that high note.

Uh, listen, don't make it worse than it already is.

I was counting on Roy to totally humiliate himself.

Excuse me. ( tapping )

Wait, wait, wait. There's still hope.

ANNOUNCER: Thank you, Ray Biggins--

Uh, uh, it's Roy. Uh, Roy Biggins.

And I'm not done yet.

Oh-ho-ho, there is a God.

I-I-- I had a little trouble with the mike, but--

But I did hit that high note.

So I'd like to prove it to you

by taking it again from the top.

Oh, say can you see

By the dawn's early light

ANNOUNCER: Once again, a special thank you to Ray Biggins.

At the twi--?

And the rockets' red glare

Watch it.

Whoa! Whoa-- Ooh!

See what that security guard just did to him?

Oh, yeah. He ought to

be able to hit that high note now, huh?

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )