Original subtitles

( upbeat theme playing )

All right, Fay.

I'm ready to go.

Oh, this is so exciting.

Our first flight since the accident.

It's so nice to be back in business.

Ah, you're telling me.

You know, I really didn't think

I would be able to get the money together

to get that plane back in the air.

But you did it, and I'm proud of you.

Shall we?

Let her rip.

( sighs )

( blows )

Sandpiper Air will now begin boarding

its flight number seven to Provincetown through Gate 1.

As you know, this is a very special flight

because you're the first passengers to fly with us

since the FAA shut down Sandpiper.

You see, the last time our plane flew,

our pilots crashed it into the ocean...

in-in what is, to this day, an unexplained accident.

Uh, o-of course the insurance company will tell you

it was all pilot error.

But, uh, personally,

I think the plane was just too old.

( upbeat theme playing )

Okay, boss, your shoes are all polished.

I think that covers everything.

Oh, except for washing your dog, sir.

Brutus kind of snarled and nipped at me.

Didn't I tell you to wrap your coat around your arm

before you went into the pen?

Oh, okay, okay. I'll--

I'll hose him down later, while he's eating.

Put those shoes in my office and go clean out my car.

Yes, sir.

Oh, uh, Roy,

you're treating that boy like a slave!

Heh.

What's your point?

Who is he, anyway?

That's Marty.

He's a kid from the high school.

I've started the new Aeromass intern program.

I'm gonna teach that kid everything I know.

What's he going to do the second half of the day?

Oh, very cute.

Listen, I am gonna help that young man

build a little character.

In turn, he's gonna help me build a little tool shed.

( chuckles )

Mr. Biggins. Hmm?

Sir, do I really have to clean out your car?

The choice is yours, kid:

You can clean out my car or clean out your locker.

Have you seen the inside of his car?

If I wanted to work around stuff I was afraid to touch,

I would have interned with a mortician.

You know, just because someone's older than you

doesn't mean you have to listen to everything he says. Marty?

Y-young man, I'm talking to you.

Is your name Hackett? Sure is.

( grunts ) ( groans )

That's for messing with my girlfriend.

Hey, buddy, that's my brother.

You want some of this too?

But over the years we've drifted apart,

so it's not...

Joe. My nose!

Ooh! I think he broke it.

I'm gonna kick his butt.

Just tell your brother that was for Lucy Chase.

Next time he wants to have dinner with my girlfriend

he'll get worse than that.

Oh my God, Joe, you're bleeding.

I can't stand the sight of blood.

I think I'm going to faint.

Fay, you are looking kinda pale.

Yeah, you are, Fay. Why don't you sit down?

Hey! Hey, I'm bleeding over here.

Yeah.

You really aren't looking too good, either.

Here, I'd better take you to a doctor.

Come on. Oh, my face!

I can't believe that guy!

I don't even know a Lucy Chase.

Yeah, well, you wouldn't like her, Joe.

She's not really your type.

You know her?

Yeah, I had dinner with her last night.

What? Brian!

LOWELL: Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I think I've put this together.

Both of you guys are named Hackett.

And this guy's girlfriend went out with a guy named Hackett.

Therefore...

Oh, never mind.

I thought I was on to something, but it's gone now.

Oh, yeah, well, thanks a lot, Brian.

That guy came here to break your nose.

Yeah, I know. You're one lucky fella, boy.

Oh, I'm lucky? Oh, yeah.

If he knew that I stayed over at Lucy's for breakfast

he'd have killed you.

( upbeat theme playing )

Now Joe, I'm just packing your nose with some cotton,

so breathing is gonna be difficult for a little while.

( nasally ): Doc, you got any painkillers

I can take home with me?

Well, actually, Joe, I think you're past

the worst of the pain.

No, I mean for him.

When I get outta here, I'm gonna kill him.

And then I'm gonna go after that jerk that hit me.

And make sure you threaten him in just that tone of voice, Joe.

And then when he-- When he's down on the ground laughing,

you can give him a pink belly and run.

Ha, ha. Oh, very funny, Brian.

Very, very funny.

You know-- You know, buddy, you're not really showing

that much gratitude here.

I could have taken you to a clinic,

but instead I chose the best plastic surgeon I could find.

How do you pronounce this, doc?

"University of Granayda"? Or "Granahda"?

Huh?

Kidding! Kidding. Kidding.

It's the University of Vermont.

Right there. Great university.

Got a hell of a football team:

The Fighting Syrup Gatherers.

( laughs )

Joe, I wanna present you with an option here.

Now, I can just go ahead and finish setting the fracture.

Or, while we're at it, I could spend a little more time

and give you a really stunning new nose.

What's wrong with my old nose?

Well, I think-- I think "wrong" is an overstatement,

but there's a-- There's a bump in the bridge,

and it does throw your face off-center.

Bump in my nose?

I don't have a bump in my nose.

Oh, well, here, it--

It might be easier for you to see it

on your brother's nose.

What? Wha--? What do you mean?

This-- This little bump right here?

Right. Although on-- On you it's, uh,

it's more pronounced.

Very simple procedure, Joe.

We can do it right here in the office.

You're talking about this little thing?

It's no problem at all. I've done hundreds of these.

What do you think?

I just want my nose back the way it was.

All right, fine. Then I'll just finish up here.

And we will wanna keep you still for a couple of days.

I'm afraid this is gonna throb for a while.

You hear that, Brian?

It's gonna throb.

Hey-ey-ey, doc. Doc, doc.

I-is-- Is this what you were talking about before?

This little thing right here? It's tiny.

It is now, but as you age...

Well.

You're gonna need some cold compresses

for the swelling, Joe.

Really, you think it's gonna grow?

Brian, the worst thing you can do

is to become self-conscious about it.

Either have it fixed, or try to forget about it.

Where was I?

Oh yes, cold compresses,

and take a little aspirin for the pain

and you'll be just fine.

Now that should-- That should do it, Joe.

You can go home.

( groans )

Okay, Brian. I'm ready to go.

Yeah. Right.

You expect me to go out in public

looking like this?

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Marty?

Marty?

Where in the hell is that kid?

Now, Roy, you've been running that poor boy ragged for weeks.

Hey, don't look to me for sympathy.

I had to learn the airline business the hard way.

When I started out, I slept in hangars.

Ate pork and beans.

Did any job I could, just to get my foot in the door.

Oh, what a crock.

You bought your way in with some money an old uncle left you.

Oh, yeah.

You know, you make up a story and repeat it enough times,

it starts to sound true.

HELEN: Hi, Joe. Hey, guys.

Look who got his bandages off.

Yeah. Really good job.

Oh, that nose is straight and true as a Texas highway.

What, Lowell?

No, I was just admiring the handiwork, Joe.

Perfect shape. Immaculate skin tone.

It's gorgeous.

That's quite a compliment coming from me,

I am a leg man.

Hey, Brian. How was the flight?

Fine. Fine.

I see you got your perfect nose back.

Aw, stop. You're obsessing about that.

About what, Joe?

This freakish deformity in the middle of my face?

I've lived with this for the past two weeks.

My doctor put this idea in his head

that there's something wrong with his nose.

And he-- And he won't let go of it.

The other night, I caught him cutting noses out of magazines

and holding 'em up to his face.

I'll have you know that I've asked lots of people,

and they all see it.

I'm so sick of hearing

about that stupid bump on your nose.

Really? Really? Well, you won't have to hear

about it much longer, 'cause this morning

I went over to Dr. Lasker's office

and I picked up this pamphlet of photographs

of famous celebrity noses,

any one of which he can give me.

Oh, give me a break.

Brian, this is silly.

Why would you want any part of this?

I mean to choose your nose out of a-- Patrick Swayze?

He could give you Patrick Swayze's nose?

Oh, God. Look at that little nub.

You could just eat it.

Well, personally, I don't understand this obsession

with perfect features.

If you ask me, many of the handsomest men in the world

don't even have perfect looks.

Ah, yeah, well, then who do you think

is the handsomest man in the world?

Listen to this. Who's the handsomest man?

Heh, heh. You sound like a bunch of women at a beauty parlor.

Excuse me, ladies, I've got better things to do.

Sylvester Stallone.

No, I don't see that at all.

And who does Joe Hackett think is the most handsome man?

Peter Jennings.

Peter Jennings?

Peter Jennings couldn't even hold Sly's jock.

Stallone has rugged features.

Wonderful, expressive eyes that pull you in.

Oh, yes.

He's...very, very handsome.

Of course, not to me, personally.

I can't believe you people are having this conversation.

You sound pretty adamant, Roy. W-what's wrong?

You a little insecure about your sexuality?

I am not insecure. I am not the least bit insecure.

Do I seem insecure?

What are you staring at?

You are sick. You know that?

Sick and perverted.

Oh, all right. John Forsythe.

Well, if you ask me, you guys are a long way off.

My choice for handsomest man has got to be Mr. Tom Petty.

Tom Petty the rock star?

Excuse me, Lowell, but he is a really gawky-looking guy.

Well, you couldn't be more wrong, Joe.

Every time I look into that fabulous face,

I can sense his deep feelings and emotions

that go into his words and music.

He's quite an attractive man.

And I'd be willing to fight any guy who doesn't think so!

Take it easy, Lowell.

Take it easy, babe.

Brian, we have not heard from you.

Well, ahem, I don't have any feelings about it personally,

but, uh, you know I've slept with a lot of women in my time,

and, uh, they seem to always talk about somebody

very good-looking named Kevin Costner.

Oh, I see.

So, uh, when they're in bed with you

they're talking about Kevin Costner?

No, not exactly that. Oh, hey.

Well, they must be pretty bored.

No, they're not bored. Believe me.

They're not-- They're not bored. Okay?

No, no.

Obviously, I remind them of Kevin Costner,

because we look so much alike. See?

Now, that's funny.

I don't remember Kevin Costner

having an unsightly bump on his nose.

I knew it!

Great. Here we go again.

Joe. Joe. Joe.

Joe, try to understand,

Brian is very sensitive about his nose.

It's-- It's easy for you.

You...

You're already a very, very good-looking...

Not to me.

He's right. He's right.

I mean, you have no idea what it's like.

Everywhere I look, I see part of this bump.

There it is. There it is. JOE: Come on.

Anyone can catch a piece of their nose

if they're really looking for it.

Not my Uncle Willy.

He lost his nose in an industrial accident.

The great irony is, now that he's on disability,

and has the time to stop and smell the roses...

he can't!

Look.

I found the perfect nose.

Page seven. The Mitch Gaylord.

Who? Mitch Gaylord.

Huh? Olympic gymnast, won the gold in '84.

Ah, I remember him.

Oh, yeah? Ah, he's-- He's very muscular,

and very, very graceful.

He's very--

Excuse me.

I've got to go pick up a copy of something with naked women.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Here you go, Mr. Biggins.

I've got your dry cleaning.

Good. Just in time.

Now, you know the drill, right?

You take this one back,

tell them they missed a spot

and they'll clean it for free.

Yes, sir.

Now, Marty, this has gone on long enough.

You need to learn to be more assertive.

I-I want you to march back into Roy's office

and demand that he stop taking advantage of you.

Uh, no, no. No, ma'am. I don't think so.

Uh, well if you won't, I will.

Huh. Uh, ma'am, uh, please, uh.

If there's one thing that makes me see red, it's injustice.

Otherwise, you could pull a hair out of my nose

and I'd still give you a smile.

( chuckles )

Now, uh, Roy.

I'm here on Marty's behalf.

Now, either you start teaching him the business,

or he's quitting.

Fine. He's fired. Oh, Roy!

No, no, no. I didn't really want her to do this!

Son, you don't have the backbone to speak up for yourself,

you don't belong at Aeromass.

You mean if I would've asked you the same question,

you wouldn't have fired me? No, I would have fired you,

but I would have respected you.

No, I wouldn't.

( laughs )

Thanks a lot, lady.

You know, I was getting school credit for doing this.

Now I'm gonna have to go to summer school to graduate.

I hope you're happy.

You've ruined my life!

Very good, Marty.

Now, that's assertive!

Any of you guys seen Brian?

Yeah, Joe, he went--

Ah, Lowell, Lowell, Lowell.

He told us not to say.

Oh, right. Oh, come on.

W-what do you mean? I need to talk to him.

Well, perhaps we could tell him

without really telling him.

Where's Brian?

Nobody knows.

I don't believe this.

Really? I-I thought Helen gave him a ride

over to Dr. Lasker's.

I can't believe he's really going through with it.

Did you say Dr. Lasker? Yeah.

You mean old "While we're at it" Lasker?

What do you mean?

Ah, the guy's notorious

for talkin' people into surgery

they don't even need.

Eh, but that only really works

on your insecure and obsessive types.

Heh.

Your brother's not like that, is he?

( sighs )

Lowell, tell Fay that I'm down at Dr. Lasker's.

Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, be careful.

This doctor sounds like a dangerous man.

Don't let him talk you into anything.

You're a very good-looking man just the way...you are.

I've got to get a date.

( upbeat music playing )

Janine, I've given Mr. Hackett

a shot of Demerol to relax him.

I'll begin on that procedure just as soon as I finish

with Mrs. Tucker.

Yes, doctor.

Oh, no. I'm just waiting for a friend

to get out of surgery.

( laughs )

Yeah. I feel really lucky.

I'm pretty happy with everything I've got.

My eyes and my nose,

and, well, my ears are a little large,

but I got all this hair so who cares.

( chuckles )

Well, you're very cute.

Oh, aren't you sweet.

Yeah, I just thank my lucky stars

there's nothing you guys can do for me.

( chuckles )

( sighs ): Oh.

So, what's this thing called liposuction?

It's a simple, safe and very economical procedure

for removing excess fat.

That's exactly the way I say it in my prayers every night.

Oh, so you'd be interested?

Well, is this doctor any good?

Oh, yes. He gave me a breast reduction.

Lookie.

Those were reduced?

Would you excuse me for a moment? Sure.

Helen. Helen, we have got to get Brian outta here.

This doctor is a quack.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joe, guess what.

I'm getting liposuction. Ah!

I've gotta get Brian.

Brian?

Yeah.

Hey, Joe.

Hey, everybody, it's Joe!

Come on. Come on, I've gotta get you outta here.

Why? Because this doctor

is a con man, that's why.

Oh, well, I like him. And you know something, Joe?

I kinda like you too. Come on, give us a kiss.

No one's looking.

( lips smacking )

What are those lines on your face?

Oh, yuck.

Is that where he cuts?

Oh, it's pretty neat, huh?

These up here are the doctor's idea.

I'm having my eyes done. Yeah. Now, you see

that is exactly what I'm talking about.

You don't need to have your eyes done.

You don't even need to have your nose done. Come on.

Yeah, the doctor also gave me something to relax me.

I don't think it's working, though.

( groans )

Come on. Let's go.

Hey-hey-hey-hey.

You know what else I can get?

A new chin with a little cleft in it.

You don't want a cleft in your chin.

It'll look like a little butt on your face.

It's no problem, Joe.

I'll just grow a beard that looks like

a little pair of pants.

What can I do to convince you?

Uh, all right, here.

Come here.

Come here, look at yourself.

Look, you see that nose?

Oh, how could you not?

That is Mom's nose.

That's the nose Mom gave you.

Wow.

It really is Mom's nose.

Hi, Mommy.

You can't change that.

And you can't change those eyes.

Those are Dad's eyes.

Daddy!

Hey, Joe.

Look at the chin!

If you just imagine spaghetti sauce right here, it's...

( in unison ): Uncle Larry.

There, you see?

You got the best of everybody.

Now let's go. Ooh, no. Stop!

Wait a second. Just wait, wait, wait.

See, nothing belongs to me. You know?

My face is just-- Is just a bunch of spare parts.

See, that's why I want Mitch Gaylord's nose.

'Cause then I'll finally have something

I can call my very own.

Uh, th-there's nothing wrong

with being made up of different parts.

I mean, it makes you kinda special like, uh,

like the bionic man.

And you remember how much you loved that?

Oh, oh, I loved that show. Oh. That's right.

Hey, hey, do you remember the sound the bionic man would make

when he ran in slow motion?

Nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu.

Nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu.

Yeah. Dad used to let us stay up late to watch it,

and then when we'd fall asleep he'd carry us to bed. Remember?

That's right. And that's just what I'm gonna do now.

Carry you home to bed. Okay. No.

Ho, hey! Ho, hey, ho! You've gotta sing the song first.

What song?

The song that Dad used to sing

when he would carry us to bed.

Ho, ho, yeah. Well that was nice.

No, sing the song.

Brian, no way. Hey, hey.

I am not moving until you sing that damned song.

I don't wanna sing the song. Ssssing it.

All right.

Ahem. All right.

There was a little turtle--

Noooooo.

Do the whole thing.

( sighs )

Aw, jeez. I don't believe this.

There was a little turtle And his name was Tom

He loved his Dad And he loved his Mom

He had a little shell And his shell was round

Wherever he went He made this sound:

Let's go.

Make the sound. Make the sound.

( sighs )

Back-a-wack a-wack-a-wack-a Wack-a-wack-a-do

Back-a-wack a-wack-a-wack-a I love you

I love you too, Joe.

I love... Okay, let's--

Yeah, I love you too.

Okay. Come on. Let's go home.

Okay.

Hey, you know what? I should be carrying you.

After all, I am the bionic man.

Oh!

Nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu. Aw!

Oh! Oh, Joe, what did I do?

Oh! I think it's broken. Oh.

Wow.

Those painkillers are great.

I didn't feel anything.

BRIAN: Nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu.

Nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu.

( upbeat theme playing )