Original subtitles

( upbeat theme playing )

You know, I gotta hand it to you, Lowell.

You have worked wonders with this engine.

This thing was a mess, and now it's...

Well, I would give anything to have your mechanical know-how.

Ah, thanks, Joe.

I guess you know what I most admire about you.

Hey, thanks, buddy.

I pride myself on being a pretty fair pilot.

Oh, uh, actually I was talking about

the way you get your hair to do that little dip in the front.

What's your secret?

I wash my hair and let it dry.

Ah. I'll have to try that.

( mellow theme playing )

Joe, mail's here. How's it going?

LOWELL: Oh, great, Fay.

I'm just getting ready to start her up.

Oh, this is so exciting.

You know, I was at Cape Canaveral

when they tested the first Mercury rocket,

and it wasn't half as memorable as this.

Of course, I spent most of that day

in the hospitality tent doing shooters with Deke Slayton.

So that whole day...

Okay, Lowell. Start it up, please.

All right. Everyone stand clear.

One,

two, three.

( engine starts )

Yeah! Yes!

( engine sputters )

LOWELL: Wow!

I never got it to do that before.

Uh, well-- Well, Joe, here, uh, maybe this will help.

It's from the insurance company. Might be the check.

Oh, God, I hope it is. I could sure use that money.

All right.

What?

Oh, wonderful!

Sounds like good news.

After they subtracted my deductible

and accounted for a depreciation on the plane,

I get a grand total of $262.

Oh, that's gotta be a mistake.

JOE: Read it and weep.

Aw, I'm never gonna get that plane back in the air.

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?!

( sighs )

It's times like these

when I'm sure glad I'm just Joe Lunchpail.

A working stiff with no other responsibilities

than to just show up, do my job

and collect that paycheck.

Uh, Lowell, Joe is pretty much out of business.

I don't think he'll be able to pay you.

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?!

( upbeat theme playing )

Well, that'll teach those people a lesson.

They are messing with the wrong guy.

I'm gonna get some satisfaction.

What's goin' on, Joe?

I just sent my insurance company a blistering fax.

I got a blistering fax once.

I had it lanced. Cleared it right up.

Well, I've never had any trouble

with insurance people myself.

What kind of insurance do you have?

Oh, I don't have any.

Gee, an immigrant cab driver without insurance.

What are the odds of that?

Roy, just because you were born here,

and you have more money and power than I do,

does not make you a better man than me.

Wait a minute, this is America.

Of course it does.

You know,

I've been reading this policy here.

So?

Are you aware that you are insured to the hilt

for personal disability?

Brian, I wasn't injured at all.

Yes, I know, but they don't know that.

All we have to do is tell them you were,

and then their bean counters come up

with a big, fat settlement and we take it,

and it'll be more than enough to fix the plane.

Wait, Brian. That's ridiculous.

People just don't go around

claiming injuries and collecting money.

Meet Mowgli, the jungle boy.

Wh--? What is this? Your first day in civilization?

Wait, Brian, I can't do that.

You're talking fraud here.

No, I'm talking justice.

I mean, I'm sure you paid that company

every one of your premiums right on time

in that winsome, anal-compulsive way you have.

Yes. Right, okay.

And so finally, when you need their service,

where in the heck are they?

I can't do that. I can't fake an injury.

I'd have to be examined by a doctor.

Hey, man. That is no sweat. I know a guy.

Well, I-- I-I don't know.

Helen, what do you think of this?

I think it is the stupidest idea

ever conceived by two human beings

in the history of the world.

Okay, so Helen's no so sure.

You know, it's a good thing that Joe has a little common sense,

because this is one bonehead idea

that I don't even think you can pull off, Brian.

You know, I don't think I need to dignify this conversation

with any more words.

So what do you think, Joe? Sound pretty good, huh?

In the first place, Joe is a terrible liar.

I mean, anybody can see he's bluffing from a mile away.

Oh, thanks for ruining poker night.

Why am I even arguing? You're not gonna go through with this.

This whole conversation is pointless.

Listen, it's not like we're being greedy.

We just want what's coming to us.

In the second place, insurance companies

deal with meatballs like you two every day.

I mean, they're gonna eat you for lunch.

Helen is right, Brian.

I-I'm dealing with this in my own way.

I don't wanna scam anyone.

These people just need someone to rattle their cage.

Oh-ho, Helen. Helen, Helen, Helen. You know.

No, really, you are the conscience of us all.

And you're plucky, decent, honest.

You know, I-I sometimes kinda wish that

you were my kid brother

just so I could kick the crap outta ya.

Look, I'm just trying to keep you two

from making the biggest mistake of your life.

You were talking about breaking the law.

Right. Okay. Fine. Hey, that's fine.

Y-You wanna play by the rules, Helen?

That is fine, okay.

That's great

behind that counter of yours,

where everything is safe and warm,

and the change is always correct. Okay?

But on my side of the counter-- You hear me?

--where I'm sittin' in the real world, okay?

You gotta make up the rules as you go along.

You have to survive on cunning and instinct and guile, like--

Like the big cats in the jungle.

You've got a little egg on your shirt there, Morris.

( hisses )

Joe.

Don't even start with me, Brian.

The answer's no.

Listen, Joe, one little back spasm--

No. What can it hurt you?

I can't do it, Brian. You can do things like that.

I-- It would make me feel dirty.

Ah, get over it. I did it around the age of 8.

Really frees you up.

Joe, you just received a fax

from the insurance company.

Now you see that, Brian?

A few well-chosen words,

these people spring into action.

They're just not used to having people stand up to 'em.

"In regard to your fax, your request for a review

of your claim has been denied."

Denied?

"Also, due to your recent accident,

we have been forced to raise your premium."

What?!

"As always, it's been a pleasure

serving you as a member of the Unified General family."

Well, that last part is nice and polite.

I can't believe this, damn it!

I-- I have got a legitimate claim!

I've got rights! I've got--

A shooting pain in my lower back.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

HELEN: Oh, brother!

I don't believe this.

Yeah, I'm not sure I believe it either, Brian.

Are you sure this is gonna stand up in court?

First of all, I don't wanna hear the phrase "stand up"

come outta your mouth.

Second of all, it's never gonna go to court.

They're gonna take one look at you

and they'll decide it's cheaper to settle.

Well, I must say I'm a little disappointed.

I never thought you would stoop to deception.

Fay, I am doing this for all of us.

If I don't have a plane, you don't have a job.

The only thing that matters is to get you well again.

Joe, I can't believe you let him talk you into this.

This is fraud. Do you know you could go to prison for this?

Don't listen to her, Joe.

Well, you'd better listen to me,

because you two boys would not like it in prison.

Especially you, Joe, with those choirboy looks.

You're gonna be the belle of the ball.

Joe, I heard about your injury.

What a tragedy.

Here, I brought you this from my cab.

It makes sitting easier.

Thank you, Antonio.

It's a little slippery at first,

but once you learn how to grip it, it's--

It's like a second skin.

And, Joe, from now on,

whenever you need to go anywhere,

any hour of the day or night, you call on me.

I appreciate that.

Except weekends, of course.

And Wednesdays either. That's my day off.

I'll remember that.

I'd rather you didn't call me on Fridays.

That's my busiest day. That's okay.

And if I have a date, uh,

it would be awkward having you in the cab.

Well, I--

I can't plan my entire week around you!

I'm sorry for your troubles, but it's not my fault.

Hey, Hackett. Ohh.

Glad to see you finally wised up.

I hope you take 'em to the cleaners.

But if you're gonna do it, you've gotta do it right.

The collar should go like this.

Hey, no. Roy, Roy, it's not like that at all--

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You are talking to the master of the insurance scam.

What do you mean?

I've got this little switch on my dashboard

that disconnects my brake lights.

Every time there's a Mercedes or a BMW behind me,

I throw that switch, slam on the brakes

and cash a check.

I know what you're thinking. Heh-heh-heh.

And I don't care.

Brian, I'm starting to have second thoughts about this.

We're sinking to Roy's level.

Oh, no, we are not.

We're not in this for profit. We just want fair play.

Yeah, but-- But we're cheating to get it.

No, Joe, we're striking a blow.

For all the victims,

for all the little people

who ever got stiffed by big companies.

The man on the street,

the factory worker,

the farmer.

You're Everyman, Joe Hackett.

( "America the Beautiful" playing )

Takin' on the system.

David slaying Goliath.

Mr. Deeds Goes to Town.

Mr. Smith Goes to--

What the hell is that?

Oh, sorry.

( shuts off music )

I never miss the Patriot Hour.

The music really tears me up.

There's a strange little man out there,

says he has an appointment with you.

Oh, great. That'll be Lenny.

Show him in. He's our doctor.

If you say so.

Our doctor's name is Lenny?

I'm not being examined by any Dr. Lenny.

Just relax, Joe. Just need him to fill in some forms.

Ah, doctor. Thank God you're here.

It's my job.

You know, a lot of my fellow physicians,

they don't make house calls anymore.

But me? I took an oath to serve.

Now you-- You turn your head and cough.

No! No, you see--

It's not me. It's not me.

There's the patient right there.

He was in an airplane crash,

and he lost the use of his legs.

Ahh.

What do you think caused it?

The ground.

Now, don't complain, you know. You're lucky to be alive.

I wish more of my patients were.

Brian, where did you find this guy?

Oh, I met him the other night at the Club Car.

He was dancing for change.

Here.

You take one of these every, uh, four hours.

I don't want a pill.

Come on. Don't be frightened.

Here, see? I'll have one with you.

Brian?

No. No, thank you very much.

We just need you to examine Joe for an insurance claim.

Can do.

Doesn't that stuff get dirty?

Hey, if I was scared of germs

I never would have gone into medicine.

Okay, so you say it's affected his legs, huh?

Mm-hm. Oh.

I don't like the sound of that. Could be serious.

How serious?

How much you asking?

Enough for a new plane.

Very serious.

Now, do you suffer from dizzy spells?

No.

Huh. Me neither.

I find them relaxing.

Uh, double vision, night sweats,

shortness of breath? Mm-mm.

Joe, you're not trying.

LENNY: Dry mouth?

Water retention?

Menstrual cramps?

Uh, let me have this. Okay, now, uh, listen.

What we really need is a letter stating that the patient

is permanently incapacitated.

Well, why didn't you say so?

I've got hundreds of those.

They're all pre-signed too. Here.

You just fill those out,

and you send it in to your company.

I told you he'd come through, huh?

You know, I would fill it out myself,

but, uh, my hand,

it shakes like a wet dog.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, oh, uh, Brian.

I just got a message from the insurance company.

The adjuster's on the way over.

Okay.

Uh-- Uh, do you think Joe's

really gonna be able to pull this thing off?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No sweat.

He was a little shaky

the last few days but, uh,

I think I got him turned around.

He's been in there rehearsing his performance all day.

He's got this down pat.

Hey, Joey, the, uh--

Joe. Joe, what is--?

Joey!

I can't do this, Brian. There's no way.

I can't do it. Come on.

Yes, you can! No.

No, see, you've got it backwards, now, see?

You're in the wheelchair, and it's this you can't do:

See?

Okay?

No, no, no. I'll never be able to--

Yes you will! Yes you will!

No, because you're great at this!

I'll never forget that performance you did

in the third grade science pageant.

You were Louis Pasteur.

FAY: Joe.

Joe! Get in that--

No, I can't! No, I can't!

You have to! The deal is off.

Hey, we need the plane!

I cannot go through with this.

Get in that chair.

Get in th-- Get in it. Get-- Get in it!

I'll do it myself.

What? What're you doing?

Listen, we already filed the claim.

Joe Hackett is supposed to be numb from the waist down.

Somebody's gotta convince this guy.

Send him in.

Well, actually, it's a her.

Whatever.

Mr. Hackett?

I'm Susan Benson of Unified General.

And I'm so terribly sorry about your disability.

Me too.

( upbeat theme playing )

I'm sorry for that display.

I'm usually not this emotional.

That's quite all right, Mr. Hackett.

You have every right.

Please, call me Brian.

Uh, he means Joe.

That's right. I'm Brian.

That's right. 'Cause he's Brian, and it's a joke.

We like to joke around switching names.

Oh, yeah, Joe's always joking.

Yeah. Brian.

I'm amazed you even have a sense of humor

after what you've been through.

Well...

Yeah, he's a trooper.

Yeah.

I, on the other hand, am 100 percent A-okay.

Yes, yes...

But she's not here to talk about you, Brian.

Why not? It affects me too.

I can't tell you how deeply it pains me

to know my brother's only half a man.

More like nine-tenths, really.

You see? Denial.

But I get stronger every day. I mean--

I can't tell you how much it breaks my heart to know

that I'll never hear any little children call me Uncle Brian.

Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to make up for it

by being twice the man for both of us.

Well, if you don't mind,

I have just a few questions to ask your brother,

and then I'll be on my way.

Now, I've received your medical reports,

and it says here that

you have no movement or feeling from the waist down.

Is that correct?

Well, the nights tend to be better than the days,

but basically, no.

And you're unable to perform your duties as a pilot?

I'm afraid not.

I don't think there's any sense putting you through all this.

As far as I'm concerned there should be no problem

reaching a settlement.

I think you can expect a check in a couple of weeks.

Thank you for your time, gentlemen.

Thank you. Great, thanks.

BRIAN: Thank you.

BOTH: Yes!!

Brian, I am so sorry. I never should have doubted you.

( knocking on door )

SUSAN: Mr. Hackett?

No, no, no! No, me!

( clears throat )

Come in.

Uh, excuse me,

but I just realized that there's just one other thing

that I needed to talk to you about.

If you don't mind, I'd like to do it in private.

I'll be right outside if you need me.

Mr. Hackett.

Yes?

When you have a job like mine you see a lot of tragedy,

The only way to deal with it

is to maintain a certain degree of objectivity.

However, I'm finding that rather difficult in your case.

Uh, I'm sorry.

It's all right, my dear. You're only human.

It's just that, you're about my age.

The kind of guy that I might have been dating if,

well, if we'd met under other circumstances.

Well, might still. They can work wonders these days.

I'm just not cut out for this job.

You know, the company should just send somebody older.

Someone who wouldn't care that

you're young...

...and handsome.

Who wouldn't be...

Oh, Joe, I shouldn't be saying these things to you.

No, no, no. Say, say...

Say, and force yourself.

Who wouldn't be having

these incredible fantasies about you, Joe.

Oh, Joe, I can't help myself!

( breathes heavily )

Oh, uh...

My God!

Your kisses cured me!

It's a miracle!

Special investigator, Fraudulent Claims Division.

( door opens )

Can I come in now?

My God! You're cured!

It's a miracle!

We're busted, okay?

Damn it, Brian! I knew it wouldn't work.

This is all his fault.

See, I don't do things like this.

You're talking to a guy that doesn't break the rules.

I mean, I stop for traffic lights

at 3:00 in the morning.

When the soda machine gives me too much change,

I put it back in.

You see, I am the good brother.

He is the bad brother.

SUSAN: Save it.

You both disgust me.

It will be a pleasure to prosecute you two

to the fullest extent of the law.

Please, isn't there something that we can do?

Yes.

Get yourselves a good attorney.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Not to worry, see? 'Cause I have a plan.

Oh, shut up, Brian!

I'm sick of your plans. We're going to jail.

We're gonna be arrested. We've gotta get a lawyer.

Oh, no! I've got it! I've got it, see?

'Cause I'm pretty sure that Lenny is a lawyer.

Actually, I-I'm positive he's an ordained minister.

HELEN: Hey, what's going on?

What are you doin'? Aah!

What do you think? What does it look like?

We got caught, okay? Oh, my God!

I told you not to do this. I begged you not to do this.

Now what are you gonna do?

Oh, I don't know. I don't know!

Maybe we just throw ourselves on the mercy of the court?

You said we'd never even have to go to court!

All right! All right! All right.

Let's just think this thing through.

Maybe you two should get out of here.

Okay, let's go. Whoa, whoa!

That would look suspicious.

Right. Bad idea. Helen, help us here.

I'm thinking. Joe, I'm thinking.

Well, I do have a friend that I could call.

Then do it, please. Do it right now.

Please make the call. We are desperate.

Just do it! All right, I will.

Susan?

( laughing )

That's amazing!

All right, that's right.

Yeah, okay, fine. You got us.

So, uh, you two know each other?

Yes, this is Susan. Susan, Brian, Joe.

Nice to meet you.

She went to music school with me in New York.

So you're not really the claims adjuster.

My brother, folks. Nothing gets by him.

So I'm not devious enough for you, eh?

Okay, that's great.

So I don't know what it's like in the real world

with the big cats?

You win, okay? You win.

How dare you do this to us?

What do you mean, how dare I do this to you?

I saved both your butts.

If it weren't for me, you two would be going to prison.

Oh, my God! We might still be.

We gave Fay that medical form and told her to mail it.

I'm way ahead of you. Fay's been in on this from the beginning.

( sighs )

What can I say? Helen, thank you.

You're welcome.

And Susan, thank you.

No, no, no, no, really. No, no, stop.

But it-- It is funny, though.

Don't you see what just happened here?

You were lying. I was lying.

Don't you think we should be off somewhere lying together?

Is he for real?

Oh, you just don't know him. He thinks that's charming.

I'll catch you outside, hon. Oh, okay.

Well...

I guess you two yo-yos realize

how stupid that little scam was.

You know, the insurance company never would have bought that.

And you two would have been in hot water.

( knocking on door )

Hackett. I just want you to know,

that insurance company of yours is a real class act.

They already paid me for the claim I filed.

What?

Well, I went down in your plane.

Someone has to pay for the pain I've suffered.

With this kind of money

I'll be walking again in no time.

Hey, what do you know?

Bye!

( upbeat theme playing )

( mellow theme playing )