Original subtitles

Hey, Will.

What's up? How come you're not dressed for the golf tournament?

I'm not playing this year.

- Y'all play every year. - Yeah, and every year we lose.

Frankly, I'm sick of being a big loser.

Come on, C, you're not big.

Besides, I made other plans.

I'm attending a seminar on how to buy foreclosed properties.

You wouldn't believe the money to be made kicking people out of their own homes.

Such a big heart for such a little man.

Boy, I can't wait to hit those links. Ha-ha-ha. How about you, partner?

Bad news, big guy. I made other plans.

Other plans?

Carlton, this is a Banks' tradition. With you going off to Princeton in the fall...

...this is one of the last chances we're gonna have to play golf...

...and spend some quality time together. - I'm sorry, big guy.

Oh. Seem to me you gonna need somebody to replace him, Uncle Phil.

Right, right, right. But who?

Ah. Fore. Uhn.

Oh, Will, would you like to play?

- Oh, me? No... Yes. - Mm.

Hi, guys.

I'm in the golf tournament this year with Uncle Phil, and we are definitely gonna win.

Please, all you men think about is win, win, win.

Well, that's not exactly all we think about, if you know what I'm talking about. Ha.

You know what I'm saying, C?

Yeah, yeah.

Ashley's right. Take us for example.

We enter the club tennis tournament every year just for the fun of it.

Just because we win, doesn't make it any more fun.

Exactly. Of course, we don't have losing to compare it to.

You go, girl.

Well, Will, if we're gonna be partners, we'd better get in some practice, huh?

- Let's go to the club and hit a few balls. - Right behind you.

Will, Will. Listen, just out of curiosity, what is the other thing men think about?

Oh, goody. I thought I was going to run out of things to do today.

Good God, Geoffrey, this place is a mess.

Miss Hilary, it's comments like that, that makes this job worthwhile.

Geoffrey, Regis Philbin is going to be here any minute.

Ah. Another pair of hands to lighten the load.

This is important. Kathie Lee has the flu.

He's looking for a co-host while he's in Los Angeles.

Whoa, that's a big deal, Hil. Hey, anything I can do to help?

Yeah. Don't talk to him.

I don't want anyone to mess it up by saying something stupid.

It's going to be a very quiet meeting.

Oh, pretty, pretty, please. Let me get it.

Will, there is one thing you can do to help me.

- Oh, anything, Hil. Name it. - Leave.

I'm sorry, I can't do that.

Mr. Regis Philbin.

Hilary. Hilary, it's great to finally meet you.

- Oh, thank you, Mr. Philbin. - Please, call me Regis.

Hey, what's up, Regis?

You can call me Mr. Philbin.

That's a joke.

- I got him. - I love this guy.

Look, I'm on my way to the studio so I'll cut right to the chase, Hilary.

If you're available, we'd love for you to substitute for Kathie Lee this week.

- I'd love to. Thank you. Yes. - Would you?

Great. Listen, I gotta run but I'll see you later at rehearsal.

- Okay. - Okay? Great.

Listen, by the way, try reversing your grip.

It'll keep you from pushing the putt to the right.

Oh, I'll try it. Thanks a lot, Reg.

Hey, don't ever call me Reg.

Okay. Boy, you are so funny, Reg.

No, I'm serious. Don't ever call me Reg.

Well, if it isn't Martina and Steffi.

How'd the first round of your tournament go?

Great. We won. But then again, we always do.

Yes. Black number five, coming up.

"Black number five coming up. Ha-ha-ha."

Hey, Uncle Phil. Dude, I was just at the range.

Man, I was El Kabong-ing that joint a mile.

And I'm gonna pretend I ain't see that little dance you was just doing.

Okay. Look, Will.

I have to go to the pro shop and pick up a sand wedge.

What? A sandwich? Uncle Phil, we just had breakfast a half hour ago.

Will, I said "sand wedge." It's a club.

Yeah, I know. Turkey, bacon, three layers of white toast.

- Banks. - Mercer.

Whoa, your son really shot up this year.

This is my nephew.

- Will, this is Bob Mercer. - How you doing?

- And his son, Bobby. - What's up, man?

They've been club champions for three years.

Four. Soon to be five.

Well, I wouldn't be so sure. I just bought a new set of clubs.

Now you need somebody to swing them for you and you could have a shot.

Oh! Hey, Mercer, you should save that dazzling wit for the courtroom.

You might even win a case.

So our makeup room is around the corner, the control booth is upstairs...

...and this is our set.

Can I get you in your positions? We wanna get a light reading.

- Sure. - Great.

Oof.

I hate to be a stickler, but that's my chair.

Oh, well, would you mind if I sat here?

You see, my right side has been rated my better side.

So it'd be in my best interest to be sitting on this side.

It would be in my best interest...

...if I could sit in the same chair I've been sitting in for the last 15 years.

Fine.

Big baby.

Well, now, we usually start off the show by announcing our guests...

...and then we have a little banter, go to a commercial...

...bring out the first guest.

Well, that's a good way. But what if we do it the way we do it on my show?

Which is we bring out the guest first and then we do that little banter thing later.

Again, we've been using this format for many, many years...

...and it seems to work, you know?

You know the old saying, "If it ain't broke..."

I'm drawing a blank here.

Don't fix it.

Fix what?

It.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

What's it? What are you talking about?

You know, maybe we'd better skip the banter altogether, you know?

Big baby.

Oh, man. That pro shot on 18 was something else.

Hold up, I don't care what you say, I ain't never seen a shot like you hit on 16.

Sounds like you guys won.

Hell, no, how could we? He's an even worse golfer than you.

So why are you so happy?

Oh, we had a great time.

- You had a great time losing? - Yeah.

I gotta tell you. We ain't spent quality time like that together in years.

Well, wait till tomorrow when we really get our butts kicked.

How about we throw a couple steaks on the grill...

...and discuss our losing strategy for tomorrow?

Great idea. I'll go start the barbie.

Dad, you know, there's a chance I may be free to play tomorrow.

I wouldn't want you to miss your foreclosure seminar.

I really won't be missing that much.

I mean, once the police come and toss the family out, it's mostly paperwork.

Well, Carlton, Will and I will be just fine.

Let me tell you, this dude right here is just straight loqued-out on a golf course, man.

You are the one who managed to get the golf cart up on two wheels, with me in it.

That's no easy trick.

Come on, you gotta show me how you managed to miss those 1-foot putts.

All you gotta do is not concentrate.

- I ain't tripping. - You crack me up.

I can not concentrate.

You ever done something because you thought it was right...

...but then felt really stupid about what you did?

Yes, but I'm still working here.

I was talking about the golf tournament.

I made other plans because I didn't wanna play...

...but then I saw Will and Dad having so much fun...

And now you're jealous.

Now Will and Dad are buddies and I feel like an idiot.

Well, you shouldn't. Not because of that anyway.

Look...

...everyone makes mistakes. The point is to learn from them.

And most important, not to try to solve your problems with hasty immature actions.

Hey, man, look what happened to my golf clubs.

Bet it was that dirty boy Bobby Mercer. You know, it's always the quiet ones.

Will. Will. Are you ready to go?

- What happened? - Hey, man, I don't know.

I guess there's only one solution.

- I'll get my clubs. - Great. You can play with Carlton's clubs.

Wait, Carl...? What, I'm supposed to play on my knees?

I guess you're stuck then. Never fear, Carlton Banks is here.

I'll change my plans and take Will's place.

I don't want you to miss your seminar.

- No, no, no, I don't mind. - No, I have a better idea.

I'll just buy you a new set.

You're gonna need them because we're gonna be playing a lot of golf together.

Why not? I guess I can play just as bad with the news ones as I did with the old ones.

- Maybe worse. - Ha-ha-ha.

Shoot, with my swing, I might as well play with these.

- Geoffrey, would you mind? - Oh, I suppose not, Master Carlton.

You know, Regis, I know we've already covered this ground...

...but I'd really like to sit on that side.

Hilary, Hilary. Relax, you look great.

The show is gonna be great regardless of where we sit.

Let's just do the show and forget about it.

Counting. In, five, four, three, two...

Hi, everybody. Welcome to Live With Regis...

...and my guest host for today, Ms. Hilary Banks.

- Thank you for having me. - The pleasure's all mine.

- We're gonna have a great show today. - We sure are.

Today on the show, we have ghostbuster Ernie Hudson.

- And direct from Milan, we have... - Hilary, Hilary.

I usually announce the guests.

Oh, well, then go ahead.

And direct from Milan, one of the preeminent fashion designers...

...Miss Isabella Fonte.

Now, what is the deal with your Los Angeles freeways?

I'm driving down the San Diego...

Tell me about it. I'm driving along, 90 miles per hour...

...I'm putting my makeup on when the phone rings...

...and I spill my Frappuccino all over my Louis Vuitton sports bag.

- Hilary. Hilary, what are you doing? - I'm bantering.

- It takes two people to banter. - Not when I do it.

What do you say we bring out our guest?

A woman who defines fashion, Miss Isabella Fonte, ladies and gentlemen.

- Yes. Hi, Isabella. How are you? - Good.

Nice to have you. Have a seat right here. It's so good to see you.

Ha!

- Mom? - Ash, honey, a quick tip.

When that little round yellow fuzzy thing comes at you, take a swipe at it.

I'm sorry, Mom. I guess I couldn't hear it coming.

Your outfit was too loud.

Ladies, ladies, whatever happened to teamwork?

- Ashley, you're my daughter and I love you. - That's better.

But if you double fault one more time, I am going to put you up for adoption.

Great, maybe then I'll wind up with a mother who can hit a decent backhand.

I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

Well, let me say it louder then.

I'm gonna grab us some water, you go grab the cart.

- Okay. - All right.

Will. - Hey, Mr. Jenkins.

Remember, you promised you were gonna meet my daughter.

Oh, yeah, that's cool, man. As long as she ain't got a forehead like her daddy.

- That's a good one. - Okay.

He told me he didn't have any children.

Hey, hey, Rich, Rich, Rich, I still owe you a couple bucks for them golf balls.

Your money's no good here, Will. Now, put that away.

Carlton, you still owe me for those Milk Duds.

Carlton, what you doing here?

I thought if you didn't wanna play, I'd fill in for you.

No, I'm kind of getting the hang of this.

Looks like you and Dad have been having lots of fun.

We having a ball. I really need to get out there.

- You sure you don't want me to play? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Will. - Carlton, I'm playing.

Hey, Banks, why don't we save ourselves a lot of trouble?

We'll walk over to the 18th hole and you can just hand me the trophy.

Ha-ha-ha. You keep talking, Mercer, and I'm gonna hand you something else.

Whoo!

I'm sorry... I got this thing that every, you know... just once in a while I...

- Will? Now, we're doing great. - Right.

We're down four strokes with nine holes to go.

- I know it's not about winning or losing... - No, no.

- but if you help me beat them, you'll never have to work another day in your life.

- Really? - Well, no, but I'll buy you dinner.

All right, cool. I'm gonna grab us a couple sodas, man.

- I'll meet you on the tenth. - Okay. Okay, good.

Carlton, what are you still doing here?

I wanna play, Will, please.

I wanna be a big loser and have fun like you and Dad.

- Wait, I can't just quit now. - No, no, sure you can.

Come on, now help me put your clubs in the car.

Look, Carlton, no.

Look, I made a big mistake not playing in this tournament.

- You said you didn't even wanna play. - I know, but I see you guys having fun...

...and I realize Dad was right. With me going to Princeton...

...we won't have plenty of chances left to spend quality time together.

The time on the course wasn't about winning or losing...

...it was about me being with my dad.

Um... Guess I ain't think about it like that.

So you gonna let me play?

No, but we need a couple sodas, why don't you bring them out?

- All right, come on, Will, you're up. - Oh, yeah. Sure thing, Uncle Phil.

Whew.

- Got your sodas. - Oh.

Hey, thanks a lot, C. I'll grab them from you as soon as I bust this joint.

I think I pulled my hamstring.

Will. Will, how can you pull a hamstring playing golf?

I mean... Ow!

My shoulder string.

Uh-oh. An injury to a player could mean a forfeit.

Oh, it hurts real bad, Uncle Phil.

Well, that's okay, son. Maybe next year.

Ow.

But wait a minute, wait a minute. Hey, Carlton, come here.

Maybe you could bail me out.

I don't know. What do you think, Dad?

What do I think?

Grab your club, son. If you help me win this thing...

...you'll never have to work another day in your life. But you have fun.

If I make this putt, we win.

Carlton, whether we make this putt or not, it's been a great afternoon.

- How about if I just blow it? - No, I think you should try to make it.

Yeah, yeah, you're right. But it doesn't matter, right?

- Carlton, will you just putt? - Okay. Okay.

You got it, boy. I'm telling you... - Will, would you just let him putt?

- All right, my bad. - Thank you.

Oh, man, that was great.

Carlton, I gotta give you props. You dropped that putt from deep.

Thanks, Will. How about I come back every year from Princeton...

...to play in the golf tournament? - Oh, I'd love it.

How about I come back from wherever I'm at?

Why?

No reason.

Listen, I'm gonna go put this in the pool house.

- I mean, on the mantel in the library. - Ah.

So, Will, how is that shoulder-string thing?

Ooh, ah. Man, yeah. You know, I need to go get something to rub on it.

Maybe you should. Will?

I know what you did for your cousin, and I'm glad you did it.

Thank you.

Oh. You're welcome, Uncle Phil. Hey, I still get that dinner, right?

Yes, Will.

- Bring your Platinum card, boy. - Oh, good.

Hey, what's up, Hil? How'd it go with Reg?

Regis loves me for finally bringing a little flavor to the show.

The promo's about to come on.

Join us tomorrow when our guests will be Wynonna Judd...

... Lisa Kudrow and Luke Perry.

And, of course, my beautiful guest co-host...

... Miss Arthel Neville.

That's right, Reg, I'll be right here next to you all week.

Oh, great. Now where am I supposed to sit?