Original subtitles

What the heck is that?

It's a fiber shake.

I've got an interview with an old Princeton chum of Dad's.

I need to be strong. I need to be alert. And I need to be regular.

Ain't nothing in the world gonna make you regular, man.

- Good morning. - Geoffrey, are my sandwiches ready yet?

Philip, for God's sake, we're going to SeaWorld.

There's gonna be food stands everywhere.

That may be true, Aunt Viv, but there ain't gonna be no food stand in the Volvo.

You better let that man eat and give him food...

...or he'll mess around and chew one of your arms off in the car.

Carlton, I had a talk with Frank Bradley this morning from Princeton.

- You ready for your big interview tomorrow? - Am I ever.

I've been enhancing my r�sum� all week. I applied for a job at Dole headquarters.

And yesterday, I went down to the rec center to become a Big Brother.

Now, why you go and do that?

You certainly ain't big, and as far as being a brother...

Well, I've already planned what I'm gonna wear.

I've got my argyles, my wide-wale cords...

...and my lucky sweater. Ha-ha-ha. - Ha-ha-ha.

Master Carlton, about your sweater, we've had a dryer mishap.

Don't worry, Carlton, it'll shrink.

It's just a small setback. I still have the canary-yellow one.

I forgive you, Geoffrey.

Banks residence. Oh, yes, certainly.

- For you, Master Carlton. - Oh, thank you.

Hello?

Yes.

It's the rec center.

Uh-huh.

All right.

What?

I can't be a Big Brother?

They didn't like me?

Well, you tell those little brats I don't like them either.

Will, this sweater will work for my interview tomorrow, right?

Uh, that depends, are you going as Archie or Jughead?

Hello?

Dole headquarters? No, man, we don't want no pineapples.

Give me that.

Carlton Banks here.

Huh?

What do you mean I didn't get the job?

Budget problems? But I was volunteering. Hello?

Hey, Carlton. Carlton. Hey, it's cool. Relax, man.

Everything's gonna be all right. Hey, look here.

National Geographic, huh?

Special issue. The ladies of the Sudan, you know what I'm saying, huh?

How much more bad luck can I have?

I mean, face it, Will...

...Princeton will never accept me. I've got nothing to offer.

Hey, hey, Carlton. Now, hold on. You stop that. Now, come on.

You got plenty to offer. What are you talking about?

You got... You got the...

See what I'm saying? From before, you still got... You still got...

- Give me a hand here. - Ugh.

Carlton, Carlton. All right. Hey, look, I just saw it in here.

You got your grade card.

Yeah.

- Princeton is about academics. - Yes.

- And I am second to none. - Ha! You got that right.

Mama, no!

Hey, what's up, G? Another Village People reunion?

As it is my weekend off, I've decided to head for the Circle M Dude Ranch.

There's nothing like the feel of an animal beneath you to recharge your battery.

I know what you're talking about there, G.

No, I'm afraid you don't, Master William.

But I do find it rather endearing when you think you do.

Have a nice weekend.

Have fun at the "dude ranch."

Oh! Hey, Ashley? What's up?

That's right, 8:00. Sure, bring whoever you want.

Music? Are you kidding? Of course. There's gonna be wall-to-wall music.

Whoa, hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing, young lady?

My parents are away, I have the house to myself.

I'm having a party, duh.

- You... - The whole world's having a party.

Hey. What's up, C?

Oh, dear mother of God.

This can't continue.

What's wrong, man?

Would you look?

Red, yellow, brown, green.

That's the way I understood it to be.

But now, blue.

Has the world gone mad?

They're just M&M's, C.

The blues

Okay, that's enough of that. Come on, man.

Now let's see that big Carlton Banks smile, man. Come on.

Will, I wanna be alone.

I told Uncle Phil I was gonna look out for you.

Come on, gotta get it together. You got that big Princeton interview tomorrow.

- Oh, whoever it is, tell them to go away. - Ah, ha, ha.

Not so fast, man. I got a little surprise for you.

Now, nothing makes a brother who's feeling down feel better...

...than seeing somebody who's in worse shape.

Huh?

I called up Stinky McGuire.

Yeah? Stinky's here?

I haven't seen him since high school.

Seeing him would cheer me up.

I mean, he was always such a loser. He was even shorter than me.

Well, bring him in.

Hey, Carlton.

Party, dude.

Come on, man. Come on. Oh, we gonna have some fun, man.

We gonna get some strippers or something. We gonna have a ball. Come on.

Will, I'm not in the mood for this.

Oh.

You not in the mood for this, huh?

Well, look here, too short...

...if you wanna sit around and wallow in the stench of your own self-pity...

...then you go right ahead.

Will, you don't understand.

Oh, no, I understand, you big baby.

"My sweater shrunk. My grades are low.

My head is too small for my body."

It is?

Oh, shut up, Carlton.

Now, I'm gonna tell you something. I am not gonna sit around here...

...with your stank-robe-wearing, slipper-shuffling...

...r�sum�-polishing, little-kids-don't-like-me blues.

Now, I'm about to go out and I'm gonna get me a 16-piece nugget dinner.

And when I get back, I wanna see a new attitude, mister.

And for God's sakes, clean yourself up.

- Whoa, hey. Yo, Ash, the cops are outside. - What?

- No, no, I was just kidding. I'm playing. - Will, what are you doing?

I gotta get barbecue sauce. Dude tried to play me down there.

You know, they give you the same amount whether you get six or 16.

- Who is this? - Oh, this is my cousin, Will.

- Hi. - Oh, hey, hey. Roar, watch it, girl.

Ah-ah.

You can look, but don't touch, baby.

- Get your sauce and nuggets and get out. - All right, all right.

Hey, hey, hey, look.

Make sure you stay friends with that one in the pink, you know what I mean?

Couple more years of seasoning, you know, put a little barbecue sauce on her...

...let her marinate, you know what I mean? - Oh, get out. Get out right now, Will.

Ashley.

Hello?

Hey. Uh... Uh, yes, sir. Hold on one second.

Carlton.

Carlton!

I'm sorry, can I take a message? I'll have him call you right back.

Oh. Oh, yes, sir. Absolutely. All right.

Carlton, dude from Princeton called.

He had an emergency. He has to do the interview tonight.

Carlton!

Where the hell are you at?

Dear Will, you were right.

I shouldn't be burdening the family with my low-down, whiny-mouth...

... sniveling, M&M-eating, feel-sorry-for-myself blues.

P.S.

My head is too small for my body.

Nobody loves me but my mother

And she could be jivin' too

Now you know why I act funny with you, baby

When you do the things you do

I'm home.

Ashley, Kyle has been here for half an hour. Are you gonna meet him or not?

Yeah. No.

Wait.

- I thought this was the point of this party. - Yeah, it is. Just give me a second.

Okay. Like, one one-thousand.

- Kyle, come here. - What are you doing?

What's up, Kee?

Ashley, this is Kyle.

Kyle, this is Ashley. She's been dying to meet you.

I've heard a lot about you, Ashley.

Great party. This is nice.

- Really? You think so? - Mm-hm.

Well, I have parties all the time.

- Really? - Yeah.

And your parents don't mind?

Mind? Ha! They practically write out the guest list.

Wow, I wish my parents were that cool.

Ash.

Ash.

I think that guy is calling you.

- Don't worry, he's part of the cleaning crew. - Oh.

Ash.

It's so hard to find good help. Excuse me.

- What do you want? - Ashley, Carlton ran away.

- Great. - Wait, hey, hey, hey.

Come on, I'm being serious.

Now, I've been calling around. I don't know where he is. We gotta go find him.

No, Will, I'm having a party. I'm carefree, understand? Free of cares?

How's my hair? How are my lips? Do I look okay?

You look beautiful, Ashley.

Thanks. Now get out.

"How's my hair? How's my face?

How's my stuff and my other stuff?"

Hello.

Ugh, yeah, yeah, thanks a lot. Yeah, I'll be right down to pick him up.

Hey, somebody called me about picking up my cousin Carlton?

Yeah, we get a runaway yuppie down here every week.

He's over there at the bar throwing back ginger ales.

Eddie, it ain't gonna fill itself up.

Carlton.

What are you doing?

- Will, how'd you find me? - Never mind. We're going home. Come on...

Hey, Carlton. All right, look, the alumni guy from Princeton called. He's coming tonight.

I can't do it, Will.

I just can't handle another disappointment.

This is where I belong.

- Ain't that right, Tiny? - Shut up.

Yeah, we're brothers of a tortured soul.

We support each other.

Take Sach over there.

Better yet, take Pappy.

He's been telling me about riding the rails.

You hear that, Will? Riding the rails.

I mean, I don't have a clue what he's talking about...

...but darn if he doesn't make it sound exciting.

Okay, I want you to get into the car, okay?

Will, you couldn't possibly understand.

I mean, how could you? You've got everything.

You have the job, you have the girls, and damn it, you've got the height.

You don't know the blues. How could you?

Oh, heh.

- Oh, I don't know the blues, huh? - That's right.

Yeah, like everything's been perfect for me. You know, like growing up in the projects.

Growing up in the projects

Never having any money.

Ain't never had a dime

Never knowing whether my father was gonna come home.

He left and he ain't come back yet

Excuse me, Pappy, why don't you take a nappy?

Listen, I am not about to stand here and argue with you about who has it worse.

The fact of the matter is neither one of us has it that bad.

But this is your last chance to get into Princeton.

If you wanna blow that, you go right ahead.

What were you doing? No one's allowed in the bedrooms.

Hey, relax, Ash.

- We're just taking a little tour. - Ha-ha-ha!

- Hey, hey, hey. Where you going? - I gotta get up tomorrow and go to practice.

- But the party was great. Thanks, I had fun. - You had a good time? Good.

- I had a real good time. - Cool.

Okay. Excuse me.

Ugh.

- Maybe I'll see you again? - Yeah, we should hook up.

Oh, wait a minute, um, I don't have your number.

Yeah.

We're gonna have to get you some school supplies. Bye, Ashley.

- Bye. - All right.

Oh, no, no, no. Not in this house.

Get out.

- And what do you think you're doing? - I'm just having a smoke.

Not here you're not, idiot.

Could somebody turn down the music?

Carlton, I really appreciate your willingness to change your schedule.

Well, changing is one of my strong suits, Mr. Bradley.

As you know, your father and I were classmates at Princeton.

He was quite the big man on campus.

He's even bigger now. Ha-ha-ha.

- Yeah, well, aren't we all? - Oh! Ha-ha-ha.

I was very impressed with your application.

Particularly cogent was your essay on the fall of Eastern Europe.

Mm. If you like Eastern Europe in the fall...

...you should see it in the spring, it's beautiful.

Oh, you. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, you've got a good sense of humor. Obviously, you got that from your dad.

Oh, you know my Dad?

Well, yes, didn't I just mention that a moment ago?

Ah! Oh, yeah. Of course. Of course. Big man on campus.

Right. Right. Ah.

I see here that you've worked for a lot of charities.

Which one meant the most to you?

Um...

The second one.

But this has all been about me, Mr. Bradley. Me, me, me.

Frank, is there a Mrs. Bradley? A couple of baby Bradleys?

Hey, have you seen Braveheart?

Look, friend, we can talk about candy all day...

...but you ain't gonna convince me that blue was a bad way to go.

By the way...

...I hear that whistle blowing. I got a train to catch.

- Well, let's go. - Hey, hold on there, Sparky.

Before you catch any train, how about you telling me what you're running away from?

Okay.

But this won't be pretty.

I must say, I was riveted by your thesis on regressive taxation.

How did you arrive at such a scintillating hypothesis?

But I guess the signs were always there.

Oh, sure these chiseled good looks and striking personality...

...opened the doors of opportunity quickly...

...but lately, they've been closing even quicker.

Oh, heck, who am I kidding? Look at me, I'm not Princeton material.

Like the song says, Pappy...

..."you gotta know when to fold them."

It's my time to fold.

Sounds like, to me, you're giving up.

You're a smart man, Pappy.

Listen, Carlton, it's one thing to throw in the hand...

...but it's another thing to get up from the table and quit the game.

You honestly believe that Superman could beat the Flash in a foot race?

Oh, Mr. Bradley, I'm glad you're still here. Carlton Banks.

What?

That's poppycock. I'm Carlton Banks.

No, Will, your charade is not necessary.

Now, if you'll excuse us, Mr. Bradley and I need to talk.

A lot of these legacies I interview, they've got the grades, the r�sum�...

...but they're sheltered, you know?

Like that milquetoast cousin of yours.

But you really impressed me tonight.

I'd be happy to sign a letter of recommendation for you.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Thanks for covering for me tonight.

Oh, no, no problem, man. I'm just glad you came back when you did.

I'm starting to get a little too comfortable in this stuff, know what I'm saying?

Um...

Carlton, hold up.

Mom and Dad leave for the night and you take advantage like this?

And what about you, mister?

What kind of role model are you? If it weren't for me, the two of you...

...would have this family on the way to hell in a handbasket. And another thing, what...?

- He's back. - He's back.

What do you mean, I'm back? Of course, I'm back.

I'm home.