Original subtitles

Yes.

- I am disgusting. I'm fucking disgusting. - No, no, no.

Don't do that, Marnie. Don't do that to yourself.

- No, no, no. - I'm worse than my father.

- I'm a fucking monster. - Hey.

If you don't believe in your own goodness, you can't expect anybody else to. You know?

Do you?

Do you believe in my goodness?

- You came? - Yeah.

I didn't come, I'm still hard.

Oh, okay. I'm sorry.

Ah...

I don't feel as though I'm going to.

I don't feel, either, that you are going to.

So Marnie's been fucking Desi for a full two weeks.

Ray has no idea and thinks he's just in a regular in-love couple.

And Marnie says that Desi cries every time they say hello or goodbye to each other,

and now, she and Desi are seriously considering trying anal.

He's not getting anything up Marnie's ass.

The whole thing is just so intense.

For who?

By the way, me telling you this does not make me a bad secret keeper.

Okay? You and I have a sacred bond,

like that of husband and wife,

where you can say anything in a sacred space.

I'm a great secret keeper.

Well, A, no, you're not.

And B, I would never, ever tell this secret.

- Yeah. - I've already forgotten it.

It's so boring, and it has nothing to do with me,

so why would I care?

Absolutely.

Oh, please remember to pack bug spray,

I don't want to have to put calamine lotion on your tender bits again.

Already rubbed it in every crack.

- Good girl. Oh... - Full scale adult.

I just can't believe Marnie roped me into this.

You think I have time, with my burgeoning career,

to go to Poughkeepsie to support her, like, sick little tryst?

Ugh, yeah, 'cause nothing says "Let's get this romance back on track"

like Poughkeepsie.

Just tell her you don't want to go.

I can't tell her I don't want to go. I'm already a part of her lie.

Hey, you're a part of her lie whether you go or not.

Yeah, but how am I going to look into the eye of my friend, Ray, and say,

"Oh, Upstate was great," when, really, I was just in this apartment,

eating Flamin' Hot Cheetos,

working on my article about Staten Island's last remaining sex cult.

Ugh, which I am so excited about.

I'm so proud of you, really cracking that case.

Thank you. It's such a beautiful facility that they live in,

and all you have to do is sign over everything you've ever owned.

What are you going to do while I'm gone?

Actually, I have to hang out with Shoshanna tonight.

You're going to hang out with Shoshanna alone?

I know, it's so strange, but she called me and she was like,

"I have to go to this women and business mixer,

"and I'm so terrified because I'm so socially awkward,

"and I seem like a crazy person,

"and maybe I have an Adderall addiction, and you, please, have to help me

"and I'm so hungry, and please help me. Please, please."

- And I was like, "Stop talking." - Yeah.

"Where'd you get this number?

"I'll go with you if you shut up.

"Let's make sure there's an open bar,

"and hopefully, the woman who invented Spanx will be there,

"because I have a lot to thank her for."

Oh, come on.

Hi.

Please, bella, join us.

Where the fuck do you even get a car like this?

I know, right?

My boy Eliseo restores them.

Of course you have a boy named Eliseo.

You know Eliseo.

- Hi. - Hi.

- All right. - Whoo!

Road trips and skinny dips.

America!

- Three, two, one, go. - Okay, you don't...

- Hi, Grandma. - Hi, Grandma.

Hi.

Um, happy birthday!

Ninety-seven, that is a big one.

And, um, you really did it.

You're still under 100 pounds, so, kudos.

Um, and I hope there's no elder abuse at the home that you're in,

and I hope that you're using protection for the sex.

- Anyway, we miss you. I love you. - We love you!

- Um, and bye. - Happy birthday!

That was great. That was good.

Um, I don't think I'm going to send that.

That was, um, super depressing, and totally inappropriate.

Yeah, um, actually, speaking of which, I need to go.

- Oh. - Um, it's my first week at a new job

and this wasn't a super convenient time for me.

- So... - Right, oh, yeah, your job.

You work in a market, right?

Marketing. I work in marketing.

- That's what I said. - So different.

I'm a junior associate at Silverhorn, New York's hippest branding agency.

- Mmm-mmm. - So I have a real schedule now.

So, I'm happy to share my Google Cal with you,

if you want to make actual plans.

And what are you doing?

Tonight?

Um, yeah, I have plans.

Oh.

- With Elijah, I have plans. - We're going to a thing.

Okay, what kind of a thing?

Um, just a thing.

It's just a thing for professional women.

Um, it's a networking thingy, and it's totally not your crowd.

You would really hate it.

Not my crowd?

- Mmm-hmm. - Professional women are my exact crowd.

Just tell me the address and whether I should wear shoulder pads or not.

It feels so great to be on the town with my girls.

I'm not your girl, okay?

Okay, with my women. With my women.

I stand corrected.

Hannah, if you're going to be such a bitch, why did you even come?

Oh, I don't know,

'cause I was trying to protect you and your house of lies, you fucking morons.

Fuck!

God damn it.

Oh, just leave it, just leave it, it's fine.

I need to reorganize that, anyway.

Just kick 'em aside. It's fine.

I'll get to it later.

Wow.

I have never felt such an intense need to just, like, Instagram a stranger.

I get that a lot.

You know, no one's expecting all of this in all of this.

No, they don't.

Um, look, I'm going to be in the back if you have any questions.

Look around, and explore.

Um, I do have one question.

Which is, um, why are you not, like, a model in Dubai?

You could be making, like, $10 million a year.

Well, um, do you want the short version, or the hero's journey?

Give the short version, the short version's fine.

Well, I was working in the city, in fashion.

Mmm-hmm.

Living in a matchbook-size flat in Queens.

Feel you.

I had blinding migraines three times a week.

I couldn't even afford new undergarments.

Finally, one day, I fainted, fell right into the tracks.

Unconscious, possibly dead.

When I woke up... Chris Noth fished me out.

Like Law & Order's own Chris Noth?

I hit the third rail.

I'm the first person to survive the third rail. Isn't that crazy?

- The third rail, that's, like, a lot of volts. - Yeah.

But I totally believe you. I'm just...

No, it's real.

So I was like, "Thank you, Chris Noth, for fishing me out and saving my life.

"I'm getting the fuck out of here forever."

The end. That's my story.

- And you live here now? - Mmm-hmm.

Are you happier, or...

How could I not be?

I'm living my truth. Right?

How much is that tea set in the window? It's so beautiful.

Hmm. For you, free.

What?

Thanks to my accident, I'm quite the psychic.

And I can tell when a woman needs a new tea set.

In fact, I can tell when her life depends on it.

This is all getting, like, very Teen Witch-y,

like, when she goes into that store and gets the amulet, it...

I don't know how I'll ever thank you. Like, so amazing.

I'm going to have to learn to boil water now.

That'll help.

By the way, that's my best friend,

she's, like, stuck in this, like, psycho-sexual hamster wheel

with this total fuck nugget, so...

What is going on?

You were looking at the girl in the yogurt place.

- I saw you, you were staring at her. - I... Fuck, she looked unwell!

- You serious? - I was concerned about her.

I was really worried.

- I was really scared. - I know, I know, I know.

Stop it! Not that in public! Stop it!

Hello darkness, my old friend.

Oh, let's see what's going on in here.

Okay, you can cool that down.

All right.

Oh, my, oh, my, I'll tell you ladies,

cozy does not even begin to describe this hinoki masterpiece.

You know what? I'm going to be writing if you need me,

which I hope you do not.

Hannah, how many capiz shells do you think are in this chando?

It's got to be like 250, 300.

Hey, what's going on?

I have feelings, you know?

I feel guilty about Ray.

Yeah, me, too. Me, too.

But you know, we're all just trying to do what we can to live.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Come here.

Okay, I'm kind of freaking out.

I mean, like, the hosts are Rachel and Zeva.

Who are they, again?

They were my best friends freshman and sophomore year

until I made the fatal mistake of deciding to push them aside for Jessa

when she came home, because for some reason

I thought that her friends were, like, the apex of maturity,

which is ridiculous, and I recognize that now.

And now, Rachel and Zeva own Jamba Jeans.

- Oh, Jamba Jeans - I know.

We can't all be perfect, okay?

Everyone has their own path.

We can't all be Justin Trudeau.

Wait, you mean Justin Theroux, right?

Hi.

What the fuck?

Just, can you, please... Just, please?

I literally have nothing else.

So this is it?

New York's best and brightest "wee-mun"?

- A whole lot of pleather, considering. - It's "women."

- Where's my name tag? - Ugh, no.

Ooh, "Janna."

Can I be Janna Daniels?

Hey, ladies.

Sorry to interrupt what is surely a maelstrom of fascinating conversation.

- I'm Rachel DeTapley. - And I'm Zeva Carondelet.

We're the co-CEOs and creative directors of Jamba Jeans.

And now we've founded WEMUN, Women Entrepreneurs Meet Up Now.

Honestly, we just wanted to give back

to the community of New York female entrepreneurs.

And give you amazing businesswomen

a chance to connect and talk about how to synergize and mobilize.

We're all strong, like-minded women,

so let's crack open our brains and really get into it.

Yes.

Whether it's how to rock a romper at a work event,

or who you should be voting for,

a WEMUN woman is the person to ask.

Also, for those of you asking on our Facebook

if the group is open to trans women,

the answer is we don't know, okay?

So, go forth, and mingle,

and make connections that will catapult you to the next level.

- Cheers! - Cheers!

Whoo!

Uh, Rachel, Zeva. Hi.

Shoshanna! Seriously, this is too much.

- We haven't seen you in an eternity. - An eternity.

I know. An eternity. Totes.

Um, this is my executive assistant, Elijah.

At your service.

- Hi. - Hi.

Um, and this is my cousin, Jessa.

Yeah, no, we remember.

Hi.

I love your party.

You have the best pigs in blankets in the tri-state area.

Did you try them? Amazing.

Thanks, it's sort of doubling as a celebration.

It's the two-year anniversary of our business.

Right.

- I can't believe it's been two years, girl. - I know.

- They worship us. - I know.

- Clink! - Jamba Jeans.

Seriously, amazing. Amazing.

You guys literally cracked open the market on athletic denim,

and I'm just so happy for you.

- Oh... - Thanks so much.

Honestly, it's been such a wild ride.

We're expanding into T-shirts right now.

And it's such a mind fuck to be moving beyond denim.

- Yeah. - So, what are you doing right now?

I just started a job in branding at Silverhorn.

- Oh, amazing. - Oh, hell, yes, with Mathias and Marina?

- Yeah! - Love them.

- Love them. - They're total visionaries.

Floor to ceiling, like, basically, they do nothing, and achieve everything.

And I'm all about that.

And their Snapchat stories are, like, super avant-garde.

Oh, my God, totes. I have been pitching them all the snaps.

And they've been like, "Let's chat that." And I'm like, "Yeah."

- Bathroom. - That's great.

- Yeah, but... - I have some blow.

It's been a great place to work

so far, and I'm really loving it.

You want to blow me?

I'm definitely looking to be self-employed...

Okay.

...in the next 16 to 20 months.

Des?

Desi, what are these?

Marnie, that is my private briefcase.

Come on. How dare you?

Briefcase? All that's in here is a jar of pills and a loose pencil.

What the fuck are these?

Those are my mints. Just... Whatever, put 'em back.

These are mints?

They're just some mints. Okay?

Just, let's put 'em back.

Oh, so you just collect mints from places and keep them in a mason jar.

Actually, no, Marnie. They're Oxy.

Is that what you want to hear? Is that what you want to hear?

They're Oxy-fucking-Contin.

And I've been on them for a fucking year.

And I'm addicted to them, so please put my fucking OxyContin in my jar,

back in my private fucking briefcase.

Okay, Marnie?

Wait, are you fucking serious?

Oh, yeah.

You've been taking it for a year?

Oh, yeah!

You were high at our wedding.

I thought you seemed sleepy and itchy. You were fucking high at our wedding!

Oh, fuck, yeah.

- Put 'em back! - No!

Oh, my fucking God!

No!

- You are not taking any! - Oh, my God!

I'm stomping them out! You are not going to get any!

Fucking bitch!

- 'Cause I am going to stomp them out. - No, no, no.

- I'm stomping 'em out. - Stop.

- Stomping them out! - Stop!

You are not going to get any!

- You are not... Don't you dare! - Stop, motherfuck...

What the fuck?

You are the sick junkie fuck!

Oh, God, that fucking hurt!

Jesus, yeah, I am sick!

I'm fucked up, I'm fucking sick!

But you're fucking demented!

Who doesn't know that their husband's on 20 fucking Oxy a day?

Twenty Oxy a day, and you abandoned me. My whole life is a cry for help!

- Fucking hate this! - No!

Get out!

- No, I'm not doing this! - Get out!

- Hannah, come help me. - I'm not doing this.

- No way, Marnie. - Hannah!

Just stop!

Hannah, you dumb slut, get down here!

- Hannah, everything is fine. - It's not fine!

Ow! Hannah!

- Hannah, go back upstairs. - Come on, come on, stop it.

- Go back upstairs. - Stop it.

- Get out of here. - You're grabbing her too tight.

- Just horsing around. - We're going to just walk out gently.

- You're being very violent... - No, no, no. I'm not.

- And inappropriate. - I'm all about...

- Hey, I'm all about peace. - Come on.

- Okay, this is not necessary. - Okay.

- Get out of this house. - You guys, this is...

- Get out of this house. - Okay, Marnie.

What is the meaning of this fucking cunt parade?

- Okay. - Okay!

Why don't you two just go fuck each other?

Okay.

Hi, Hannah.

- Ah! Marnie, Marnie! - No!

- Get him out! - No!

Hey, Marnie. I'm sorry, baby.

- No, no, no. - No! No!

- It's a misunderstanding. - No! Get out.

- I'm sorry. - Get it out, get it out.

- Get it out. - Okay, okay.

This is shocking.

Okay? That is not who I thought that person was.

Bitches and cunts!

- Bitches and cunts! - No!

- Bitches and cunts! - Get out!

- Bitches and cunts! - Get out!

Let me in! Let me in, bitches and cunts!

Why?

What the fuck?

Seriously, seeing you was like an emotional facelift.

So we need to hang out.

Um, who should I give my new digits to?

Honestly, Shoshanna, I don't know.

- 'Cause you really... - You really hurt us when you bailed.

I mean, canceling on spring break, like, six hours before?

It was so rude.

We ended up having to take that trip to Aruba alone.

And in a way, it was amazing.

- Because that's when Jamba Jeans was born. - That's right.

But we had to split that room two ways instead of three ways,

and we just felt so rejected.

- And, like, awful. - It was just so rude.

It hurt so much.

However, we just can't trust you to reenter our lives right now.

- Because we've got a lot going on. - Yeah.

But we really do wish you the best, though.

Shoshanna?

Shosh?

Shosh!

First of all, I can't believe that you ever hung out with those girls. They're awful.

They're like Khloé Kardashian and Bethenny Frankel,

if those women weren't amazing and total revolutionaries.

Can you shut up? Can we please just get out of here?

How did I get here?

Like, this was just supposed to be, like, a fun little jaunt, you know?

I don't think you should say "jaunt." That's not a good expression to use.

No, I mean, like, how the fuck did I end up here?

I'm on a trip with my ex-husband

who I didn't know was a drug addict,

which is the second time that's happened to me, by the way.

You are so bad at knowing when people are high.

Do you remember that time I drank sizzurp and you thought I had senioritis?

But seriously, Marnie, it can be pretty hard

to have observations about other people when you're only thinking about yourself.

I would know.

And I'm not judging you, okay?

I promise, I'm done with that.

I'm done judging, I'm done being superior, I'm done acting like I know anything at all.

None of us know fucking anything.

We don't know shit, do we?

Nope.

Well, I need to ask you something.

Yeah.

Do you promise that we'll always be friends?

You think I'm going to stop being your friend now?

After putting up with all this bullshit?

You've put up with a lot of bullshit, too.

Yeah, I know.

And I'm going to help you get out of this situation.

We're going to get out of this bed you made.

All I need is for you to actually look at yourself.

Look around at situations in, like, a real way.

All right, you fucking babies!

You fucking let me in, or I'm coming down this goddamn fucking chimney,

like Santa Claus!

You hear me? I'm going to goddamn do it!

I'm going to spread Santa's shit all over this fucking pussy party!

Can we just give him his pills. I mean, honestly.

He looks like someone in, like, the Pacific Northwest knit a man.

Here's what I don't understand.

Why aren't more of these women going into more practical trades,

like being a cobbler, or a locksmith?

At some point, we need lady road pavers, lady electricians, lady plumbers.

Lady...

Can't I just go do one line of coke without you two running off?

Here, do you want one?

What? You stole an actual plate from the WEMUN mixer?

Well, congrats, now you're even more of a dick.

I'm a dick? Why am I a dick?

Because I actually came here to try to help our tiny, little friend here, all right?

Not steal fine china.

Well...

Or someone else's fucking boyfriend.

- I can't believe you just said that. - I did.

Fuck.

You don't even like Adam.

How are you mad at me about Adam?

You wouldn't even let him drink milk from your fridge.

Well, that's because he has oral herpes.

- No, he doesn't. That is a rumor. - Yes, he does.

You just have not been with him long enough to witness one of his outbreaks.

So good luck with that, okay?

Shoshanna, can we just get a cab, please?

Can we just get a cab? Where are the cabs?

You're not coming in our cab.

What the fuck is going on?

Why are you guys both mad at me about Adam?

I mean, fucking... You know what?

Marnie's fucking Ray right now, and no one seems to give a shit.

No, no, no. She's actually fucking Desi right now.

What?

You know what? I don't even care.

I don't give a shit about Adam.

Okay? But if you are using Marnie to justify your behavior, then, ew!

Seriously, you ruined my relationship with Rachel and Zeva.

You ruined my life.

I could've been a part of Jamba Jeans.

I could've gone on fancy trips, and had people who cared about me.

And instead, you convinced me to go to Rockaway for the day,

to get Italian ices because Vincent Gallo might be there.

Well, you know what? Vincent Gallo wasn't fucking there.

And now I'm never going to see Aruba.

You didn't even want to go to Aruba.

No one wants to go to Aruba.

Everyone wants to go to Aruba!

The only reason you want to go Aruba now

is because those girls started, like, a stupid jeans company.

You're being a star fucker.

You're being worse, you're being a jeans fucker.

Get out of my face.

Get out of my face.

Get out of my face!

Just because we are related does not mean that you get to be in my face!

Yeah, get out of her face!

Grow up!

Grow up!

Now I have nothing.

Who the fuck are you to say "grow up"?

Huh? I'm grown up.

I am a grown-up.

I am a fucking grown-up.

Who is she to fucking say that to me?

I am so bored.

I think we've all been down a time or two, you know?

Not knowing where...

- Will you stop talking right fucking now? - Please shut the fuck up!

Thank you.