Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Well, ever since our last episode,

which was around 1964, give or take a couple of weeks

there's been a lot of water under the bridge.

Walls have fallen, governments have toppled.

Yes, the winds of freedom have swept Eastern Europe and the world will never be the same.

Crowds of people massed in the streets,

cheering and celebrating their newfound freedom.

Yes, everyone is just delighted.

PEOPLE: [IN UNISON] Yay.

NARRATOR: All except for one little, tiny country

where the cold war is still freezing.

A puny, pipsqueak principality where nastiness is a virtue.

Where being mean and rotten is the national pastime,

and everyone spends so much time double-crossing each other

that they don't even have time for lunch.

Yes, neatly nestled between the borders

of Wrestlemania and Yoursovania, that's right,

ooh boy, you guessed it, hokey smoke,

watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat, it's that soot capital of the world, Pottsylvania!

And, as our story opens, the meanest, nastiest,

no goodnik of them all,

the man they call Fearless Leader.

Thank you. NARRATOR: You're welcome.

Has a very big problem.

And so he has called in his best operative.

A man so sinister, so dangerous, so badly lit,

Where the hell have you been?

I don't see that that's any of your business.

NARRATOR: With pleasantries out of the way,

Fearless Leader explained the whole story,

beginning with the most astonishing

scientific breakthrough in the history of the world.

ANNOUNCER: Presenting time reverse microchip

demonstration number one.

The microchip is in place.

My brother, Kregor will shatter the beaker,

and the release of energy will trigger the microchip.

ANNOUNCER: Obviously,

the implications of this invention are staggering.

The microchip freezes time, then backs it up three seconds.

We can reverse catastrophes, save lives,

even protect the military

by rendering any object indestructible.

With this remarkable device,

there is virtually no limit to the benefit for mankind.

We feel this invention is the most astonishing

scientific breakthrough... I'm impressed.

With a chip like that, a man could rule the world.

Yes. Unfortunately, three days after that film was made,

Paulovitch took the chip and disappeared.

I see. And I am supposed to find him and bring him back.

You're the best there is. That's why I called for you.

And you want me to risk my cover

on such a dangerous mission as that?

What else do you suggest?

Give me a decoy.

A loyal, trusting agent.

Someone expendable, a total idiot.

Send him to find the Professor.

I will follow at a discreet distance,

and the moment Paulovitch is found,

I will kill them both and return the microchip to you.

Brilliant!

Now, who would be the perfect decoy?

NARRATOR: Who indeed? Rodgers and Hammerstein?

Sonny and Cher? Bilbo Baggins?

No, as anybody who looked at their tickets before

they came into the theater ought to know,

it's...

[SCREAMING]

Of course, it was Boris and Natasha,

who at this moment, were somewhere in a remote part of the Middle East.

Boris. Boris, darling.

Where is egg?

Egg, egg. Where is egg?

NARRATOR: And on the run with an elaborate,

jewel-encrusted egg they had recently stolen

from a potentate's palace.

Oh, Boris, darling you're a genius.

[CHUCKLES]

[MAN SHOUTING]

Come on.

[METAL THUDDING]

BORIS: Chicken!

Hurry up. Hurry up.

[GUN FIRING]

Get the car!

[BORIS SCREAMING]

BORIS: What a pathetic shot. Watch out for the camel.

Ahh!

MAN: Watch where you're going.

Look out!

There!

[SCREAMING]

Go, go!

Look out! Look out!

Go to the alley.

[SCREAMING]

Boris, quick.

[SCREAMING]

[GASPS] What we do now?

We got to find our contact. The one-eyed man.

Where is one-eyed man? Here.

The Alley of the Damned.

You first. Come on. Let's go.

[CHATTERING]

They got a lot of one-eyed guys here.

The four corners of Egypt belong to King Tut.

[ALL MURMURING CONFUSEDLY]

The four corners of Egypt belong to King Tut.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[ALL CHATTERING]

[ALL CHEERING]

Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

Stop them! Stop them!

[SCREAMING]

Too bad, Gorda, you missed!

Wait a minute, aren't there only two of them?

Yes, Colonel Gorda.

For a moment I thought I saw three.

Hey, Gorda, we have your egg!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

NARRATOR: So back in Pottsylvania and with their mission completed,

Boris and Natasha suddenly received an urgent summons

from their beloved Fearless Leader.

Yes, even they could tell something very important

was about to happen.

Fearless Leader, we are honored.

We are so honored. Good.

Your mission is to infiltrate the United States of America.

United States.

Once inside, you are to locate this man.

His name is Professor Anton Paulovitch.

Other than that, I can tell you nothing.

[GASPS]

Now, a direct infiltration will never work.

Therefore, your orders are these.

You yourselves must pose as defectors.

Defectors?

From the moment you leave this room,

your every action must be consistent

with that of a traitor.

You must affect your own escape across the border.

Once you arrive in America,

you must convince the authorities

that you are sincere.

If you fail, they will kill you.

Keep a low profile. Speak to no one.

And if you get the feeling you're being followed,

ignore it. Ignore it?

Oh, yes.

Fatale...

This mission is, by far, the greatest honor of your careers.

Congratulations.

You are now officially traitors to the state.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

[CACKLING]

NARRATOR: Well, next morning,

in a typically misguided attempt

to follow their instructions to the letter,

Come on. Come on.

NARRATOR: They set sail for America.

Row, row. Row, row.

NARRATOR: Unfortunately, America was a lot farther away

than it looked on their Rand McNally,

and seven hours later... Water! Water!

NARRATOR: We were in danger of having a very short movie.

But luckily, Fearless Leader was right behind

in a Pottsylvanian PT boat to haul our heroes to safety.

Next, he personally drove our diligent defectors

out to the heavily-fortified Pottsylvanian border

and waited while our heroes surveyed the landscape

and settled on the perfect plan for escape.

And it almost worked too.

[EARTH RUMBLING]

[SCREAMING]

And so, with a song in their heart,

a lump in their throat,

and absolutely no idea where the hell they were going,

Boris and Natasha implemented Plan C,

marching straight up and over the famed Pottsylvanian alp.

Unfortunately, they had forgotten

it was the middle of winter,

and as the temperature began to plummet...

[WIND WHISTLING]

Boris. Don't sleep.

NARRATOR: Fearless Leader had to rescue them once again.

Finally, in a last ditch attempt

to get the plot moving,

Fearless Leader gave them two one way tickets

to the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Trinidad. Where, cleverly enough,

they caught the first plane to America.

And from the very moment they landed,

it looked like smooth sailing.

At last, they had infiltrated the United States, undetected.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Don't shoot. Don't shoot.

We like America. We defect. We defect.

We're defectors. We're defectors.

Thank you so much.

You are so kind.

Ooh, very nice car.

NARRATOR: Yes, it was a nice car.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

And it took them to a very nice building,

which turned out to be none other than

the national headquarters of the CIA.

SHELDON: Hi. Welcome to the ranch.

I'm Sheldon Kaufman, and...

I'm Boris Badanov,

and this is my assistant, Natasha Fatale.

How do you do. Hi.

Sorry about all the cloak and dagger stuff,

but, well,

it's not every day we get a couple of high-powered Pottsylvanian

operatives defecting to the United States.

Now then, we have a thing we call,

in our country, the defector's program.

If a defector, such as yourselves,

is really, really sincere,

and you certainly look sincere to me.

We not only let you into the country

but we provide you with a place to live,

a little spending money,

everything you could possibly need

to live your lives as new Americans.

How wonderful. Thank you very much.

Of course, there's a little routine we go through first.

Just a technicality. A medical exam,

a few questions.

We will tell you everything.

This mental exam, how difficult...

No, medical exam. Oh. [LAUGHS]

How delightful.

Fine. Shall we get started?

Now, I'm going to show you some pictures.

Just tell me what you see.

Bomb explosion.

Machine gun attack at small embassy.

Ooh, mushka mishka,

a little puppy with floppy ear.

Carrying leather bomb...Into small embassy.

NARRATOR: And for the next five hours,

Boris and Natasha were poked and prodded

by a host of doctors in a myriad of medical examinations.

Followed by an even more grisly series

of irritating jump cuts,

and finally culminating

in the toughest examination of them all.

But they had their story and they were stuck with it.

MAN: Are you defecting to the United States of your own free will?

Yes. Yes.

Are you currently employed

by the Pottsylvanian secret service?

Absolutely not.No.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

Are you now, or have you ever been,

a member of any organization

advocating overthrow of the United States government?

Yes. No!

NATASHA: Yup. No. Yes.

No, but yes.

Yes and no.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, they are either incredibly smart or incredibly stupid.

I certainly have never seen anything like them.

Neither have I.

I hope you're not thinking of letting them in the program.

They're compulsive liars.

WOMAN: They're violent, stupid,

not to mention their bomb fixation.

I don't know, maybe we could learn something.

We haven't had a defection in six months.

I mean, we could always just play along.

Look, if we deport them,

we're never gonna find out what they're after.

Personally, I'd deport them.

Deport them.

[JEOPARDY!THEME SONG PLAYING]

[GULPS]

[GULPS]

Hi.

Willie, you know what we got here?

A couple of brand new Americans.

[LAUGHS]

[THUDS]

[LAUGHS]

[SALLY KELLERMAN'S IT'S GOOD TO BE BAD PLAYING]

♪ It's good to be bad It's bad to be good ♪

♪♪ It's good to be bad It's bad to be good ♪

WILLIE: Listen, now, once you get settled,

why don't you give me a call? We can get together,

I can show you around, we can see some sights,

go to some clubs.

Hey, you like to dance? Dance for wedding.

How about music? I know some great jazz clubs.

No. I got it.

Why don't we get in touch with some of your friends

or relatives. You just give me the names,

we can find anybody. Boris is orphan and I am shy.

NARRATOR: And so, charming as ever,

our heroes at last arrived at their new American home.

WILLIE: So, what do you think?

We share with other family, yes?

Mmm-mmm. It's yours. All yours.

Look, you've got your solid-state,

color TV, 162 channels, cable ready,

your 16 zone security system with infrared motion detector,

two line solid-state beeperless remote answering machine.

Kitchen's got all the regular stuff.

Here's your blender, automatic coffee maker,

water purification system, trash compactor, microwave.

Aw, you guys know how to use all this stuff.

That's just about it. Uh, let's see,

I got some credit cards, maps, and some spending cash,

and here's the keys. Here you go.

You guys are probably tired.

Yes, yes. We're very tired.

We're very tired. We're thanking you so much.

We are so delightful to be here.

So good night. Okay, listen,

if you need anything or you've got any questions, you call me.

Okay? Okay.

Bye.Okay, bye.

Boris. We fooled them, we did it. We did it.

[CHUCKLING]

Boris, you are so bad.

You are so bad you are good.

It's good to be bad.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Boris. Boris.

Mmm-hmm.

Hmm.

Boris. BORIS: What?

I am liking this person, Willie.

He is very smart-minded.

He's stupid as a bag of hammers.

I think I will make friend with him.

Will make good cover.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

NATASHA: Boris?

I'm not worried about our cover.

I'm worried about finding that damn professor.

And getting a good night sleep.

Of course, darling. You have had very hard, long day.

But tomorrow,

we will complete our mission

and we will get out of horrible country.

You will be great hero.

Goodnight, poopsie.Goodnight, darling.

Americans live in such tall building.

So funny.

It is nice to be alone. No one snooping over shoulder,

no one listening to you. BORIS: Shut up out there!

I'm trying to get some sleep.

Is nice to be alone.

[VOICES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER RADIO DEVICES]

MAN: We have lights out.

WOMAN: We have clearance on surveillance...

NARRATOR: And as the prying eyes of the CIA

kept close watch on our heroes,

an even closer watch was being kept by the sinister Agent X.

But what he didn't know is that he himself

was being watched by an even more mysterious figure.

A man with very bad taste in footwear,

lurking in the shadows.

Who was this mystery man? Another spy?

Another wrinkle in the plot?

Did he work for Florsheim?

Did we give him these weird shoes

just so you'd recognize him later?

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Okay, the first thing we've got to do is find Kalishak.

Kalishak the assassin?He doesn't do that anymore.

He's here in the States now,

he sells information to the highest bidder.

If anybody knows where the Professor is, he does.

Oh, darling, you are so smart.

Ah! Those pigs, those pigs!

Those pigs, those pigs!

What they do, Boris?

They took my dynamite.

[GASPS] Those pigs, those pigs!

Ah, is all right. I've still got my spares.

I knew you could not trust capitalists.

Not trust anybody.

Look at this closet.

Typical American waste of space.

Would make nice home for small family.

[PHONE RINGING]

I've got static in the fish tank.

Yeah?

SHELDON: [OVER PHONE] Get me Willie.

Yes, sir. Willie?

Hi, boss. SHELDON: So, everybody happy?

Yeah, so far. What do you think?

I think we give them some rope,

then when we see what they're up to,

we hang them.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[BOTH] Surprise!

Who the hell are you?

BOTH: Your next door neighbors.

[BOTH] Surprise!

You don't think we're too pushy, do you?

Well, of course you think we're pushy.

Harve thinks we're pushy. I think she's perfect.

Oh, Harve.

I mean, we did just barge right in.

You know, we figured,

as a couple of new Americans from behind the iron drapes,

you deserved a real welcome.

Don't you just love sushi, mmm?

I feel like it's moving in my mouth. Fish eggs, anyone?

So tell us all about Pottsylvania.

It's very cold.

Oh, I get it. Pottsylvanians are quiet.

I bet you think Americans talk too much, don't you?

We do talk too much. I talk too much.

I think you're perfect.

But I mean, how are you gonna know anything unless you ask?

That's a great thing about America.

You can ask anything you want.

So you work out?

I like you, Tash, you're a lot of fun.

I am? Yeah.

You're gonna love this country.

You've got everything going for you.

New home, nice husband, great cheekbones.

Boris is not husband.

Oh. There's nothing wrong with living with your boyfriend

till you tie the knot.

What knot?

Hit me in the stomach!

Go ahead, you can't hurt me.

Oh, trust me, Tash, you've gotta be able to see it.

[BORIS PUNCHING HARVE] HARVE: Whoa!

You think so?

It's obvious, Tash. Boris adores you.

The man's in love.

I haven't done dishes in a long time.

I cook, so Harve cleans up.

Harve does work in kitchen?

We split everything, 50-50.

Hit the disposal, will you?

Night you two, bye-bye.

Bye.Thank you for food.

Harve!

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Goodnight. Bye.

[GRUNTS]

I thought they'd never leave.

NARRATOR: Well, so did we,

but at last they were on their way to see

their old friend Kalishak,

a man who felt anybody's business

bably be him.

BORIS: The four corners of Egypt are ruled by King Tut.

Badanov?

Boris Badanov?

[LAUGHING]

Boris Badanov.

The four corners of Egypt are ruled by King Tut.

You're killing me. Please stop. Stop.

I know the password already. Please, don't do it to me.

I can't believe Boris Badanov is here.

Holy smokeronis!

And his devoted flunky, Natasha Fatale.

Well! What brings you two to America?

Did Fearless Leader have craving for burgers and fries?

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

We need some advice. What?

You want advice? You want advice?

Okay. Okay, I give you advice.

I give you advice.

Don't give up your day job.

[LAUGHING]

We have money.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it's just funny, is all.

You know, I would've thought you both had blown yourselves up by now.

So, what is that you both want, huh?

We are looking for a man named Professor Anton Paulovitch.

I have never heard of that name before.

I don't know nothing. Go away.

Well, perhaps this will refresh your memory, huh?

Look, the both of you,

you're in way over your heads, my little spies.

Take some advice, forget you ever heard that name.

But I'm having some trouble forgetting.

If you know what I mean.

In the chairs.

[SPITS]

Search your soul for the answer.

What the hell?

Get out of my way, I'm closed.

Go on, go on, go on.

What kind of advice is that? I want my money back.

Get going, now. Or I'll kill you myself.

Come, Boris. Go on!

What about the receipt? It's tax deductible, you know.

Go on, get out.

You want some advice? I'll give you advice.

Leave, now. That is the advice.

Go on, the both of you! Get out of here. Get out.

What kind of a potato?

What kind of potato was it? I don't know.

Idaho.

Listen, Mike,

tell Willie I want him to double his surveillance.

No, quadruple it. You got it?

BORIS: God damn Kalishak, he knew something,

he just wasn't talking. He called me your flunky.

Forget about it, he is an idiot.

Here, hang up my coat.

I know what I should do.

I should force-feed him woodchips for an entire year.

And then I will bury him in the ground up to his neck

in a termite mound

and watch them devour him as he screams for mercy.

Very good.

Search your soul for the answer.

What the hell is his problem, anyway?

NARRATOR: Next morning, Boris and Natasha begin the day

with a typical American breakfast.

Boris.

[SCREAMS]

NARRATOR: So they searched Boris's sole and got their clue.

And wearing one of their many brilliant disguises,

they soon found themselves outside

the most fashionable hair salon in the city.

WOMAN: I can't do my hair again.

Because, I think all the chemicals have leaked into my brain.

I'm so spaced, I can hardly answer the phone.

Hold on a minute, will you?

Permit me to introduce myself.

I am Steve Shag and this is Ansel Fiber.

We are here to clean the rugs.

WOMAN: Excuse me, but all our floors are tiled.

I think you guys have the wrong address, heh.

No, we don't. Boris, show.

Manelli. Oh, you're not here to clean the rugs,

you're here to change the photos.

You're working for Sal Manelli, the photographer, right?

Yes. He's the one. We came to meet him.

Meet Manelli? Look, we just buy his photographs,

he doesn't actually work here.

Tash? Boris.

Ooh. Acme Rugs. What are you guys doing here?

Uh, we are, we came, to uh...

To say hello.

Oh. How did you know I worked here?

We didn't. Boris, big joke.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Dudes. Dudes.

NARRATOR: Yes, there he was, Jose Eber, himself.

World-famous connoisseur of beauty.

A man who, with one wave of his blow dryer,

could make you a star.

And with one look at that Pottsylvanian profile,

he was completely enchanted.

Oh, my God.

NARRATOR: Well, before she knew what hit her,

Jose promised he could make her an overnight sensation.

He would introduce her to every major fashion photographer in the country,

starting with an enormous party in her honor

at the elegant private club, Chez Monyou,

that Friday night.

Well, Boris saw this as the perfect opportunity.

They could use the party to find Manelli,

who would lead them straight to the Professor.

So while waiting for Friday,

they did what any other American would have done,

they went shopping.

♪ I wanna wrap myself in confidence

♪ Looks so good on me

♪ All the boys offer love and kindness

♪ One more thing I need I want it all ♪

NARRATOR: And of course, no American mall would be complete

without Aunt Fanny's fine cutlery

and automatic weapons shop.

No.

No.

No.

NARRATOR: And so, as they left the mall,

Natasha was already beginning to feel the allure

of the American way of life.

So the very next day, she did something

she had never done before.

[ALL CHATTERING]

I should not be go here with you.

What are you talking about?

You gotta get something to wear to the party.

Boris say what I have is good.

Forget about what Boris says, come on.

So don't you feel better?

This is the way Harve and I do it.

I never have to tell him what I buy.

He does what he wants, I do what I want.

You know, Tash, if a relationship is gonna work,

it's gotta be equal. Fifty-fifty. You did good.

Hey. Get me my tie.

Stop looking in the mirror all the time.

You look great.You really like it?

Sure. Americans love hokey getups.

Okay, let's review the plan.

I am international film financier,

Barim Hum Haahalah.

We go to the party, we find the guy with the camera.

I give him the password.

If he answers, we know it's Manelli.

He leads us right to the Professor.

And if anything goes wrong...

We kill ourselves.

[SIGHS]

NARRATOR: Well, Boris's plan was brilliant, as usual.

Natasha would provide a distraction

while he looked for Manelli,

who would obviously be a man with a camera.

[ALL CHATTERING]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

The four corners of Egypt belong to King Tut.

The four corners of Egypt belong to King...

Okay, it's enough, it's enough.

The four corners of...

[ALL GROAN]

NARRATOR: Of course, Boris' plan was an utter disaster,

but as a diversion, Natasha was an instant success.

She had such flair, such charm, such an incredible haircut,

And a veritable Natasha mania swept the country.

People couldn't get enough of the sultry spy.

Proving once and for all that Andy Warhol was right.

Not to mention P.T. Barnum.

Yes, everywhere, people were imitating her inimitable style.

Especially that snappy hairdo.

Of course, Natasha herself had gotten the idea

from one of Pottsylvania's national heroes.

But in any event, soon there wasn't a corner of the world

left untouched by this unbelievable phenomenon.

Well, all this frou-fra of getting famous

was taking its toll on a lot of people.

The spying had come to a halt.

Agent X had no one to watch.

The man in the stupid shoes had no one to follow.

The CIA had no one to listen to.

There was still no sign of Manelli,

and of course, all of this was bound

to come to the attention of...

What the hell is going on over there?

NARRATOR: Even the writers were completely stumped,

with no idea of how to get the story

back to the missing Professor

and his amazing time reversing microchip.

As for Boris, he was getting more and more frustrated,

annoyed, irritable, peeved, downright...

All right, all right, knock it off.

You are acting ridiculous.

Oh, Boris, don't be drip.

BORIS: What about Professor Paulovitch?

And where are you going? We are spies!

[GASPS]

It is time we started to act like spies.

I don't know what's got into you, Natasha.

Fearless Leader told us to assume a low profile,

and you, you go waltzing around like some kind of movie star.

Thank you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Is Natasha here?

Just a minute.

All right. Do you or do you not want to be spy?

Boris, darling, of course I do.

Spying is most important thing in world to me.

You think is best side?

That's it. I forbid you to go out tonight.

Forbid?

Oh, Boris, so typical.

This America, you are not my boss.

You are not my husband. You are not even...

Never mind. What?

What am I not even? What?

Oh, you are so stupid sometime, Boris.

If relationship is to be lasting, must be equal.

Oh. So for first time in my life,

I am doing what I want to do.

And do you know what? I am liking it.

Toots is behind this, isn't she? Toots, Toots, Toots.

Toots happens to be wonderful person.

And don't think you're so smart,

because she know about you.

She know exactly how you feel about...

And how far do you think you get

if it was not for me after all these years?

I do everything. I do work

and you never... You never...

Never what? You never say thank you.

What the hell?

So I am hoping that from this day forward,

that you will be liking to carry your own luggage.

So goodbye.

Luggage?

This whole thing was about luggage?

NARRATOR: Well, Boris had hit rock bottom.

Even the simplest of pleasures could not cheer him up.

And, as he wandered through the silent streets,

he wondered, could Natasha have been right?

Could she have, in some small, insignificant way

been responsible for their illustrious career?

Could he actually have been

just the tiniest bit insensitive for, say,

the last 32 years?

[ALL CHATTERING]

Very nice. Very nice.

Heh, thank you.

Please, ladies.

Thank you.

TOOTS: Trust me, it's obvious.

Boris adores you. The man's in love.

MAN: Natasha, wait. I want you to meet Sally Kellerman.

[PHONE RINGING]

NATASHA: [ON RECORDER] Hello, darlings. We're not in right now.

But Natasha and Boris will be back very, very soon,

so please leave a message.

[BEEPS]

MAN: [OVER PHONE] My name is Manelli.

I know who you are,

I've seen your photographs.

I'm a friend of Dr. Paulovitch.

I helped him to escape the lab.

Please meet me tomorrow at noon at Memorial Square

for a photo session... Hello, hello?

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hello? Ugh.

We just found Anton Paulovitch.

[ALL CHATTERING]

Yeah, I think we finally got something here.

SHELDON: Yes, good, what is it?

Does an Anton Paulovitch strike a bell with you?

No, I can't say I ever heard of him.

Noon, huh? Okay, thanks.

And listen, Dan, keep up the good work.

I will look terrible in photos.

I did not get very much sleep.

Don't worry about it. Look, about last night...

Uh, let's talk about it later.

Yes, Boris.

You go to this place and you meet Manelli.

You get the information from him. I will be there too.

But I'm going to be disguised, okay?

I am loving when you wear disguise.

You make sure you get the information from him.

If he gives you any trouble,

I'll crack his head like a Pottsylvanian chestnut.

Yes, Boris, darling.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Poopsie. I'll take this. You might drop it.

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

NARRATOR: Well, isn't that sweet?

But meanwhile, back at our story,

the elusive Manelli had finally surfaced.

And as luck would have it,

he too, was another master spy.

Yes, it seemed that Natasha's sudden notoriety

actually served a purpose, after all.

So faster than you can say, stop the world,

I want to get off, Natasha got down to business.

[CHATTERING]

Meanwhile, wearing an effective yet subtle disguise,

the chameleon-like Boris Badanov

blended discreetly into the crowd.

Unfortunately, he got in line with the Village People.

Come on, Long John, you can move up now.

Arr! Arr!

Here you go, one pretzel, $1.

Hold the rose, that's it, good, lovely. I like it in the teeth.

Hey! Wait a second, what is this? I said $1.

This is fake. Doubloon, arr!

You owe me a dollar. I don't have a dollar.

What do you mean you don't have a dollar?

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Just a little this way. Perfect, perfect.

[CHUCKLES]

You're very good at this.

You follow instructions perfectly.

Ha, you flatter me.

On the contrary, my angel.

That could get you killed.

[SCREAMING AND GRUNTING]

Avert your eyes, avert your eyes.

All right, all right. Come on, buddy. On your foot.

You realize, of course, we're being watched.

Your lives are in danger.

I am a friend of Dr. Paulovitch.

I'm the one who helped him to escape.

Now you must help him too.

But to help...

Miss, may I have your autograph?

I just feel that we have something in common.

You know, I had an aunt that came from Pottsylvania, and I think...

We're working. Do this later? Thank you.

Good, good, excellent.

Why do you think Fearless Leader told you nothing?

You are merely decoys.

You are just pawns in the game.

NATASHA: [ON RECORDER] Please, you must tell Boris.

Of course, the fountain. How stupid of me. Come.

You'll be safe here.

The sound will drown our conversation.

[STATIC SOUNDING]

That's not true.

We have to find Professor and take him back.

He lied to you.

MANELLI: [ON RECORDER] The moment you find Paulovitch,

you will all be killed.

An assassin has been trailing you

since the moment you arrived. Oh.

But who could be?

Pottsylvania's most feared killer.

He wears the ring. The ring of the assassin.

You poor fools.

He's been with you all the time.

His name is...

[GUN FIRING]

[SCREAMING]

Police. Stop that man.

[GUN FIRING]

[PEOPLE YELLING]

SHELDON: Right there. Police. Police, stop that man.

[SCREAMING]

[GROANS]

Willie? Badanov!

What? What? Come on, let's go!

No, he is trying to tell me something.

Why do they want Professor dead?

Because they want, they want...

[COUGHS]

They want candy? Come on, let's go.

But we can't just leave him here.

Forget him, he's dead. Let's go.

Willie? What happened?

Oh, my God. Find Paulovitch.

If Badanov and Fatale get in the way, kill them.

MANELLI: [ON RECORDER] The moment you find Paulovitch,

you will all be killed.

An assassin has been trailing you

since the moment you arrived.

He... He is a liar.

Fearless Leader would never do this to us, it's ridiculous.

Go on.

The ring of the assassin. You poor fools.

He's been with you all the time. His name is...

[GUNSHOT FIRING] [NATASHA SCREAMING]

Boris, what is?

BORIS: This ring was on Willie's finger,

it came off in the scuffle.

Oh, not Willie.

Ooh, Willie was such nice boy.

Nice boy wants to blow our heads off.

I never liked him, come on, we're getting out of here.

Boris, where will we go?

I don't know. Some place far away.

From now on, we trust only ourselves.

We've got to find the Professor.

Boris, is too dangerous.

Poopsie, we're dead anyway.

To find the Professor is the only way

to get to the bottom of this. We've got to find him.

Oh, Boris. I am so frightened.

If we ever get out of this,

I've always... I've always wanted to see Tahiti.

They have such beautiful flowers.

Don't be melodramatic, okay?

As long as I'm here, nothing's going to happen.

[SIGHS]

[GUN FIRING]

[ALL CHATTERING AND GROANING]

That came from everywhere.

DAN: [OVER PHONE] It wasn't ours, I'm sure of it.

Well, who was it? I want some goddamn answers.

And where the hell is Willie?

NARRATOR: Well, even Boris and Natasha could take a hint.

With their cover shot full of holes,

and no one to trust, where could they go?

Back to Pottsylvania? Back to Pennsylvania?

How about Pensacola, I hear that's nice this time of year.

Do you have any ideas? If so, send them to this address,

postmarked no later than June 12, 1964.

In the meantime, our harried heroes headed

for an obscure, little hotel where they could regroup

and come up with a new plan.

And so as not to draw attention to themselves,

they came up with what were probably the most

ingenious disguises of their already remarkable careers.

Bellman.

Could you place take Mr. and Mrs. Obese to their room.

O'Beeth! O-apostrophe-b-e-e-t-h.

We're Irish, me wife Katie and I.

Kathleen. Her real name's Katie.

But she's called yourself Kathleen

for some bloody reason, I'll never know what.

Excuse me! Could you give a hand with these potatoes, please.

I carry me own potatoes, you big lout.

Thank you. This way.

Shh.

Hey. The elevator's over here.

I know. I work here.

It's out of order. This way.

Are you mad, man? We can't climb those stairs.

Can't you see we're Irish?

You're gonna have to sleep in the lobby then,

these stairs are the only way to your rooms.

Have faith. Boris, come.

[NATASHA HUMMING]

Come on, pick up the pace.

Stop showing off, high pockets!

Right, so in 1935,

the ballroom terrace was added to the 33rd floor.

BELLHOP: In 1966, the whole Rat Pack, except for Sinatra,

stayed here on the 33rd floor.

Imagine that, 40 whole rooms.

Who can climb 30 floors deserves a room.

Now, in 1976, both presidential candidates stayed here.

[BORIS PANTING]

We've got two presidential suites,

twelve honeymoon suites...

[NATASHA SCREAMING]

Come on. We're coming.

BELLHOP: Hope that's not the little woman.

Oh, ha ha. It was nothing. Nothing.

Ah, faith and be glory. It was a mouse.

A mouse! BELLHOP: A mouse, huh!

Ugh. Not really that much of a problem.

We can take care of that.

Uh, heh, I think was mouse, it could've been cockroach.

Cockroach? Uh, come to think of it,

you know what, I am so silly.

It was nothing but a tiny little flea.

Fleas! Ugh. I'll get the manager.

All right, what the hell is the matter with you?

[GASPS]

It's Willie. How did he get in there?

I put them there.You killed him?

Of course not, he was already dead.

But I drag him from floor to closet.

It is 11:30.

What is this?Train schedule.

You think he was going somewhere?

Or he was meeting someone. Come on, let's go.

Get out of here. Come on.

But Boris, your disguise, what if someone see you?

We tell them we lost weight,

running up and down those stairs. Hurry up.

Whoever did this to Willie knows we're here, anyway.

We've got to get rid of this stiff

before the bellhop comes back with the manager.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGING]

Oh, we're in luck, the elevator is working.

Oh. No sir, excuse me, that elevator's in service,

it's just for the hotel staff.

We are the staff. I'm the house detective.

Oh, what's the matter with him?

Oh, he is drunk again.

I don't know why I married him.

Gee, don't I know you from somewhere?

Okay, what floor? Any floor.

We gotta dump this stiff and get to the train station.

To see who is getting off 11:30 train, right?

Right. It is 11:15 now. You are a genius.

Oh, my God, look who it is!

Oh, Toots, Harve.

What you do here? We're here for the party.

I didn't know you were invited, we would have come together.

Who's your friend? Willie. Oh, no.

Onopolous. Mr. Willie Onopolous.

He's a Greek guy we know.

It looks like he's had too much ouzo if you ask me.

[ALL LAUGHING]

We were just leaving,

if you just got here, we'll stay for a while.

No, he's too drunk to party

and he ruined whole evening, creep.

Thank you very much but we better just drive him home.

Oh, come on, how about if we drive Mr...

What's his name? Willie Onopolous.

Uh, come on, we'll take him home

so Boris and Natasha can stay and enjoy the party.

No. It's all right, heh.

Oh!

He's cold as ice.

He was holding ice.It's his drinking hand.

We have to go. We better go too.

This thing's gonna go without us.

[LAUGHING]

So how'd you two meet Mr., um...

Willie Onopolous. That's a strange name.

Oh, he's Irish. Greek.

Right, we are Irish. Pottsylvanian.

Right, right. Heh, I have a couple drink myself.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Look up there, everybody.

All those dead flies. Oh, what a shame.

Ugh, it makes me sick.

Uh... Oh. Oh.

Uh, he is going to be sick too.

We've got to get him to a washroom, come on.

Oh, he's sick.

Uh, uh, uh, hey, buddy, you want some help?

Boris, I don't like this.

First Willie, now Toots and Harve.

I thought it was supposed to be obscure hotel

where no one find us. Shut up and keep walking.

NATASHA: Uh oh!

Hello, Mr. And Mrs. O'Beeth.

Hello.Hello.

Come on, help me.Oh.

We can't put Willie in there, he was our friend.

We have no friend. Come on, up.

Come on, Boris, say some nice word for Willie.

On hangers, no starch.

You are bad. You are very bad, Boris.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on, you've got the train schedule?

Oh, no, I left in room.What?

[SIGHS]

[BOTH PANTING]

Ugh, I need a drink.

Is good idea. MAN: Excuse me.

My name is Anton Paulovitch.

I understand you're looking for me.

How did you know where to find us?

Never mind that.

Let's talk about the chip you're looking for.

The chip? Oh, yes, of course. The chip.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Uh, don't worry. I'll get rid of them.

BOTH: [IN UNISON] Surprise!

What the hell? HARVE: Look who we found.

Mr. Willie Onopolous was sleeping it off

in the laundry room. Figure you'd be looking for him.

How come you checked in here?

Don't you already have an apartment?

Uh, you can't come in.

I'm, uh, sorry.

You see, we've got, um...

Toots, Harve, I'm so sorry, you can't come in,

but, uh, we are having some problem with our relationship,

and Mr. Willie Onopolous is our marriage counselor.

Doesn't look like he'd be much help.

Oh, no, not now, but when he come to,

he is like, uh, he can, Boris...

Uh, it's a new technique.

He deliberately incapacitated himself,

thereby giving us a mutual responsibility.

You see, by helping him, it helps us.

If you're paying him more than $70 an hour,

you're getting ripped off, pal.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Why don't we go let those two lovebirds work it out.

See you later, Tash. Thank you. Bye.

Ugh. Sorry about...

He's gone!

All right, get the train schedule,

we're going to the station.

Is gone. BORIS: What?

He probably took it with him. Damn.

At least we know why he was here.

Yes. Why?

First he killed Willie,

and then he come back for train schedule.

Yes, yes, I don't know, maybe.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Don't answer that. But maybe it's him.

[KEYS JINGLING]

Complimentary fruit basket.

Oh, hi, Mr. And Mrs. O'Beeth. I didn't think you were here.

Anyway, complimentary fruit basket.

Of course, you might not want it on account of your diet.

By the way, you both look great.

I've never seen such a dramatic weight loss.

Anyway, if you need anything, just give me a ring.

Oh, uh, by the way, if you need any pillows,

they're here in this closet. BOTH: [IN UNISON] No!

[GASPING AND SCREAMING]

I see you have met Dr. Lisbon.

Is he dead? BORIS: Of course not, you idiot.

He's a professional hypnotist, he's helping us with our diet.

Look. He's in a trance right now.

He sees everything we do, hears everything we say.

He can see me now? Yes.

And he's very angry at you,

because you pulled him from the closet

when he was focusing his great powers.

Sorry Dr. Lisbon, I just wanted to get some pillows.

Uh, Dr. Lisbon could help you,

just in the way he is helping us.

Really, how? Talk to him.

Through the door, closed like this?

He can hear you.

I don't want to lose any weight.

Don't insult Dr. Lisbon, his power goes far beyond diet.

Dr. Lisbon know all.

We will leave you alone with him. Quick.

Dr. Lisbon, uh...

It's me, Tony.

The bellhop.

Uh, I'm not fat,

but I've got a little bursitis

on the right side of my shoulder.

A lot of pain, um...

I don't hear him. Listen.

[FOOTSTEPS SOUNDING]

There he is.

[ENGINE REVS]

We will never catch him. I'll catch him.

Boris.

Ooh.

Hey, how close was I to that guy?

Pretty close. Surprised you didn't nail him.

Oh, thank you.

That was a pretty stupid thing to do.

You could've killed him

and then we never find out what goings on.

At least I tried. It's too late now.

We will never get to train station by 11:30.

Oh yeah, watch this.

Taxi?

[TIRES SCREECH]

Oh, Boris.

Oh, my God. Are you all right?

He is fine, he was just showing off.

You are one lucky stiff, pal.

Oh yeah, I'm real lucky.

Can you get us to train station by 11:30?

For 100? Get in.

Okay, let's go.

BORIS: Ugh, you'll never make it.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

All right, Mr. Bub, give me at least $50 back.

Sorry.

Hey, poopsie!

[BORIS WHISTLES]

How we know is same one?

[GROANS]

Oh, good. He's here.

Boris, it's him.

Hey...

He's going around the back. You come to the front.

Paulovitch, wait

BORIS: Here he comes.

[BOTH GRUNT]

Taxi!

Boris, where is Professor?

Don't know.

[ENGINE REVS]

There he goes. What the...

Hey, taxi!

Driver, follow that scooter.

Should have pulled the plug on that thing

when I had the chance.

[ALL SCREAM]

ANTON: Don't kill me, please, please.

Boris, don't shoot. Wait, wait, wait.

What the hell is going on? How are you doing in here?

You are going to kill me. You are assassins, oh, my God.

Ahh, don't be ridiculous, you are assassin.

You are the one who killed Willie

and left his body in our hotel room.

I don't know any Willie. BORIS: Oh, really?

Well, then perhaps you can explain this.

No, I've never seen it before. I've never seen you before.

Who the hell are you, anyway?

Now, you listen. We are asked to come find you here

and ever since we come to this country,

people are shooting at us, bodies are dropping like fly

and all because something to do with you.

So start talking, mister.

I don't know what to say.

Boris, he doesn't look like killer.

[SNIFFS] What's that smell?

Driver, stop the car! But why?

Dynamite! NATASHA: Oh, no.

I said stop the cab.

Ahh, you killed him.

Boris.

[BORIS GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]

What was that?We blew up!

It happened again.Yes, we have to jump out.

Argh, this is beginning to hurt.

ALL: Jump.

[ALL GROANING]

Marvelous. Absolutely magnificent.

It works. Can you believe it?

Of course, I knew it would

but even so this is the first true test

under life and death conditions.

You know, I'm really, very proud.

What the hell are you talking about?

The chip.

NARRATOR: Yes, there it was at long last.

The incredible time-reversing microchip

that they didn't even know existed.

Is incredible.

We didn't even know it existed.

NARRATOR: And as they stood in the moonlight,

Dr. Paulovitch explained all about it.

How he had invented it

and about all the different people who were after it

including his own insane twin brother, Kregor,

who was rampaging around,

trying to kill anyone who got in his way.

Well, our heroes were so impressed,

Unfortunately,y vowed he talked so long,

he put them all to sleep

and they slept so soundly

that not even the 515 from Yonkers

could wake them up.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

He's gone!

What? Professor Paulovitch. Argh!

Damn, why does this always have to happen?

[GRUNTING]

Boris, look.

That's it? No clue? This is clue.

NARRATOR: Yes, it was clue.

Lucky for them and for us,

the Professor had the presence of mind to leave it

just as he was snatched away

and with one look at that penny,

Natasha made the obvious conclusion.

NATASHA: Oh, look, Boris.

I feel just like we're in Alfred Hitchcock movie.

Don't kid yourself. Here, look at this.

Is tunnel. Is nasal passage. Come on.

NATASHA: Boris. BORIS: Shh.

[MACHINES BEEPING]

NATASHA: Boris, look, a secret laboratory.

Oh, boy.

BORIS: You know what this is?

Is dust-free room for making microchip.

I knew that. Boris, look.

Is Pottsylvanian bed.

Don't have time for that, poopsie. Come on.

Get a load of this.

Must be hundreds.

He's mailing them all over the world.

[MAN YELLING]

Listen, I think there's someone in there.

Hello? Hello?

MAN: Help!

Poopsie, here.

Dr. Paulovitch!

Thank God, you found me.

What the hell are you doing hanging upside down?

Boris, don't talk to him, cut him down.

All right.

[GROANING]

Was not nice.

I assumed he would tuck and roll.

Not everyone is hung upside down as much as we are.

Huh, how can I ever thank you?

I assume you got my clue.

The penny was brilliantly simple.

Sure, sure, we made the connection right away.

Come on, up on your feet. Up.

BORIS: What is this place?

Well, this is my home.

My secret laboratory.

But who kidnapped you?

Kregor. Your twin?

Everybody thought he was dead but he was too brilliant,

too clever for them

and finally, when I...

When he found me...

Wait a minute. Where did you get these shoes?

Hands up.

What the hell?

But what are you doing? PAULOVITCH: Get back!

Back I said.

But why?

The resemblance is uncanny, don't you think?

Ow!

Anton? Who else?

Come on, we've gotta get you up.

Argh, thank you.

Look, Kregor, you don't have to kill us.

We could all go back to Pottsylvania together.

You would get a hero's welcome.

I'm not interested in a hero's welcome.

I'm interested in money.

Hundreds and millions of dollars.

Do you know what this idiot was doing?

Mass-producing the time reverse chip.

What kind of stupid thing is that?

That is a very interesting question.

I realized, at once, the military implications.

How one nation could rule the world.

I tried to destroy the chip

but it kept coming back, don't you see.

So I decided I had to make more.

So that every country on earth could have them

and think of the good.

Why it could end war, it could...

He was gonna give them away, do you believe it?

Give them away!

It's a good thing I found you in time to kill you.

Yes, dear brother, kill you.

So I can re-emerge as you

and claim the rewards I justly deserve

as the inventor of the chip.

You have nothing to do with it

and if you kill us, it will be on your head.

I can live with that.

Well, I can't. Neither can I.

Quiet!

SHELDON: Ow, goddamn it!

Drop the gun.

Oh, thank God you are here.

Ugh, this maniac was trying to kill us.

Don't get your hopes up, kid.

My plans for you aren't much brighter.

All right, hand over the chip.

Excuse me, sir. Please don't kill us.

If you want the chip for your government...

No, no, that's where you're wrong, doc.

I'm not working for the government today.

I'm working for the real power in America.

The auto industry.

Not to mention defense contracts and insurance companies.

If this chip gets out,

can you imagine what would happen to weapon sales and cars?

What if there were never another car crash?

Come on, wake up and smell the napalm.

My people want this chip on ice for a couple of years

until we can figure out some kind of strategy.

That's immoral.

So's car insurance but you still pay for it.

Drop the gun, Sheldon.

Drop it or you're dead.

Toots, Harve!

Also known as agents Moose and Squirrel.

Moose and Squirrel?

Yes, your old adversaries, surgically altered once again.

Oh, boy.

But Toots...

I thought was friend.

Sorry, Tash, old kid, but this is business.

You understand.

So you knew all along.

Sure, Willie was in with me

until I found out he was a double agent.

So you killed him.

I thought you killed him.

No, we didn't kill him.

All right, all right, I killed him.

Let's change the subject.

To what? You and your genius?

He's just trying to bring the conversation back to himself.

He does it all the time. No, I really killed him.

Why is everyone so stupid?

Look, I was pretending to be Anton.

When you surprised me when you came back to the room.

When I came back to the room to find the train schedule

Willie had taken from me in the scuffle when I killed him

because he'd followed me to the hotel

where I had followed you, if you follow me.

After Willie had killed me nearly,

who was talking to you about Willie.

No, no, about Anton.

No, where was I? Wait a minute.

So who shot up our apartment?

I did.

Oh, you are a real fun guy, aren't you?

All right, that's enough.

[EXPLODING]

[YELLING]

Fearless Leader. Shut your mouth!

Everybody lie on the floor, especially you two.

But Fearless Leader... Quiet!

Well, well, it's been a long time, Felix.

Suez '62, wasn't it?

Shut up about that.

Now, where is the microchip?

So Manelli was right. You were only using us.

Of course.

I had the chance to be the most powerful man in the world

and be rid of you two, all at the same time.

It would've worked too

if this cretin hadn't shot my best assassin.

[FEARLESS LEADER CACKLES]

I'm sorry, Kregor, to ruin your ingenious little plan.

You have made me a very wealthy man.

It's a pity none of you will live to witness it.

Where is the egg of Kiev?

Oh, shut up.

NATASHA: Grab him, Boris!

[ALL GRUNTING AND SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[GUN FIRES]

Don't anyone move.

What we do now, Boris?

You got a light?

Boris...

I've been saving this for a rainy day.

Heads up, everybody!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Boris.

Boris.

Argh, get leg off chest!

Oh, Boris, darling, thank God you are safe!

Oh, no.

Look, darling, look. We are in balloon.

You gotta be kidding.

NATASHA: Look, is burlap bag

and egg of Kiev.

Oh, boy. Boris, it was chips.

You blow us all the way back to beginning of movie.

I did? Oh, yeah, I did.

Heh, pretty good plan, huh, poopsie?

Hello?

[BOTH SCREAM]

Paulovitch, what the hell are you doing here?

That is an interesting question.

Some kind of overload, I should think.

Wait a minute, we got to figure out

what is going on here.

We are in balloon, we have egg

and not one thing has happened yet.

Okeydokey. So now we go back to Potts...

Oh, no!What?

If we know what's going to happen

then so does Fearless Leader.

What we do?

Only one thing we can do...

[SIGHS]

We go to Tahiti.

Boris, darling.

[BORIS AND NATASHA LAUGHING]

Wait a minute, aren't there only two of them?

Yes, Colonel Gorda.

For a moment I thought I saw three.

Oh, by the way, I never really got your names.

Oh, permit me to introduce myself.

I'm Boris Badanov and this is my...

My girlfriend, Natasha Fatale.

NARRATOR: And so they went to Tahiti.

Unfortunately, it was monsoon season

and most of the residents were in the process

of evacuating the island,

but Boris and Natasha didn't care.

They were safe, they were together

and things were back to normal.

Hey, poopsie!

NARRATOR: Professor Paulovitch spent his days

indulging his lifelong dream

of staging a sand crab version of the musicalCamelot.

While Boris and Natasha

took long, leisurely strolls on the beach,

safe and secure for the first time in their lives...

But were they?

If they remembered what had happened,

then didn't they realize everyone else would too?

For instance, what about Anton's evil brother, Kregor?

Could he still be lurking about?

And did they really think that Fearless Leader

wouldn't come after them?

Time had been reversed

so Agent X would still be alive.

What?

What about Moose, Squirrel, Kaufman?

What about Jose, Manelli, Kalishak?

What about Telly Savalas? What's he been doing lately?

And who the hell is this guy?

The answers to these questions

didn't seem to matter to them.

Were they really so naive?

Were they really so unaware

that they thought could hide in Tahiti forever?

Did they think that no one could follow them?

Did they think they could just sit there...

Ah, shut up!

NARRATOR: Well, be with us next time

forGoodbye Mr. Chip orThe Megabytes Back.

[SALLY KELLERMAN'S IT'S GOOD TO BE BADPLAYING]

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ Some women want a man to be nice

♪ Hold a nine-to-five job Kiss her once or twice

♪ But if you're looking for danger

♪ It's the same old song

♪ You'll need a bad, bad man A man that's gone wrong

♪ I've got a lover that makes me weak

♪ I'm tossin' and turnin' I can't get no sleep

♪ If a man is asking me why I love him so much

♪ He's a bad, bad man with a dynamite touch

♪ He's got a dynamite touch

You are so bad, you're good.

Heh, it's good to be bad.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

♪ It's good to be bad It's bad to be good

♪ Ow! Bogie and Bacall made love over there

♪ Bonny and Clyde are a hell of a pair

♪ Ask Dirty Harry why his women go wild

♪ He's got a long, cool gun

♪ That he treats like a child

♪ I've got a lover that makes me weak

♪ I'm tossin' and turnin' I can't get no sleep

♪ Everybody's asking me why I love him so much

♪ He's a bad, bad man with a dynamite touch

♪ He's got a dynamite touch

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ Do what you shouldn't Not what you should

♪ You know you've looked at other men

♪ In your neighborhood

♪ You know you'll do it

♪ It's just a question of when

♪ And if you don't understand me

♪ Then I'll tell you again

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ Bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ Bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's good to be Good to be

♪ Good to be bad

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's good to be bad It's good to be bad

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

I was around 12 when...

That's when I guess I realized

my parents didn't really like me.

I mean, not really hated me but I just think that, ugh...

Well, see, there was this one time

where we went on this camping trip during the summer to Yellowstone

and, uh, see there were these bears...