Original subtitles

Oh, yeah.

Upsilon Sigma girls are the best.

Say it again.

Upsilon Sigma girls. Oh, the sorority's the best on the West Coast.

It's the best in the whole country now. Say it right.

Euclid Sigma is the best sorority in the whole fucking country, really.

Damn right.

Yeah.

Ah,

ah, yeah.

Okay, my turn.

My turn, my turn, my turn.

Oh. Yeah.

Here you go.

Come here.

Yum. Come here to the kitty.

Yeah.

Oh, yum.

You got this right out of my mouth, yum. Yes.

Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy. Eat me up, baby.

Eat me up.

Fucking beautiful, wet, pink.

Lick me up.

Lick me up.

Lick me up. Lick me up.

Come on, baby.

Come on, baby. Come on, baby. Come on, baby. Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

Thank you.

Are you going to come, baby?

Edward, Eve, get her up.

They call me Easy Ed.

You don't know nothing about me without you knowing about sorority pink.

Here's the deal.

Eighteen years ago, I was a history professor here at Lost River College.

A wicked witch named Lydia Cantrell, the babe that ran the college with a velvet

hammer, had me committed to a nut house.

I was a mess back then. Drank too much, gambled too much, drank too much,

gambled too much, dipped my wick into students too much. But now I'm focused

most of the time.

Sometimes I'm still out there, but I'm focused now.

Anyway, just before I was supposed to undergo a lobotomy, a huge bet I placed

with Zeke Dawson. One of my prized students came in for 20 grand, and I

bribed the bone man not to numb my brain.

With the help of some colleagues, I got released and was hired by Tinker

Cascade. That's a major right-wing think tank.

Good gig think tank if you land it. Sit around all day and think up horse shit

and make a bundle of dough. Anyway, I'm a man with a mission.

Upsilon Sigma Sorority at Lost River is just a euphemism for cult.

Over the years, they've done some strange shit. And I finally got the

think tank to let me investigate.

Maybe even land me a stint as Attorney General. Anyway, that's what I'm about.

Been here for weeks, hiding, documenting, and I got the dope on the

current cast of main players.

Emmylou Erickson is a senior from Anaconda, Montana.

She's the past president and current Upsilon Sigma pledge trainer for this

year.

Kelly Wilson is from just down the road. Rincon Beach, California.

Surfer chick and the current chapter president.

Greta Gustafson is proof that this sorority is up to international no good.

She's a senior from Reykjavik, Iceland, which she pronounces Eastland. So out

there, Eastland, majoring in political science.

Then there's Susan LeBeau from Parts Unknown.

They call her sister song title because half the time she talks with only song

title. Lost River is her last stop.

Been booted out of other Upsilon Sigma chapters around the country.

Mary Jane Wilkes is another crazy one.

She's from Tacoma, Washington and doesn't take any shit from any of the

fraternity animals.

Shannon Guidry.

Shanna Gevery is a wild one from Lake Charles, Louisiana.

Seems like she's crazy enough to be up for anything.

These girls seem to be either Nordic or Cajun.

Sylvia Avery is a junior from Lafayette, Louisiana.

Majoring in theater arts.

Julie Broussard is a junior.

From Santa Monica, California.

But with that name, she's definitely got Cajun in her background.

Then there's the Proctor.

Orally, A-Bear.

They call her the Fleeing Fox.

These campus cuties don't know it yet, but I've overheard they're the odds-on

choices to be the U-6 pledges.

I remember when she was just a pledge, 18 years ago.

Hung around all these years.

Just being house mother.

Too mysterious.

The queen bee of this lot is Lila Cantrell.

Her name was Lisa as a pledge. More mystery.

Now she's Lila.

Teaches English literature at the college. And serves as a sorority

advisor.

She's on the board of regents.

Maybe she's kin to a Civil War butcher.

She's a distant cousin.

of Lydia Cantrell, the witch that put me away.

She runs the ritual now, but that's just the buzzword for Cantrell Coven.

Somehow, someway, I'm going to get to the bottom of this sorority.

Well, now I'm part of the big time, huh?

Yeah, well, now that you're past chapter president.

I mean, there are so many underlying secrets in our sorority. I'm not about

to ask Arlie.

The Bayou Order of October Angels.

Sounds kind of spooky to me.

I guess Kelly Wilson's next.

And some of the girls have been complaining about Rush Week, but I don't

know.

I kind of like it.

Well, that's because you're a bubbling, bouncy beach bunny.

There's nothing wrong with being a little friendly, I always say.

Oh, that's what we love about you, Julie.

Yeah, I love me too.

And I love Lila, and I love Orly.

And I love you.

Well, that's why I'm here.

Emmylou, do you think we'll ever get tired of making love to each other?

No. Not if you don't get old and ugly.

But I'm not into that butch femme crap.

Oh, yeah? You're just an old, mean old bull dyke.

Kiss my ass.

Kiss your own ass.

And you can up and kiss mine, too, while you're at it.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, I will.

I'll never get tired of you again.

I'm never just having nothing left for you.

Never? Never.

Oh God.

Let's do it.

Show me what to do. You know what to do.

The brothers want to do it with Upsilon Sigma and hope to avoid a draw.

Why in the world would we want to build a float with clouds from Delta?

Hey, we either won or finished in the top three for the last five years.

And we won last year with the girls' storm.

So this year you goons want to move up in class, right?

Why not?

Oh, Crandall, homecoming floats mean lots of socializing.

Now, are you interested in winning or playing?

We want to get to know our brothers.

Ones that aren't jocks.

Ooh, Crandall. Is that a Woody?

I have to get going.

I'll see you later.

Dead gypsy who don't float.

Come in.

Zeke Thorson, former Lost River stud and quarterback.

How you doing, buddy?

Hey, have a seat, have a seat.

So, what do you think of my cover?

Oh, gypsy fortune teller. Yeah.

Sophisticated equipment.

That's smart.

I cover that up with a panel, man.

What are you doing? What are you doing up in this neck of the woods? Tell me,

why are you here? You here to help me?

I came back for the homecoming game.

Yeah?

And the folks at the think tank wanted me to check out this harebrained waste

of time scheme of yours.

Waste of time?

Waste of time?

Do you know how many people are missing?

Do you know that Alan Burton has disappeared? I have evidence.

It's those Upsilon Sigma sorority girls. I'm telling you.

The think tank, the government, and I think it's a waste of time.

No, see, come on. You were back here then. Remember Joe Don Wolf?

Noting his own handwriting.

Saying he was taken off.

Never been heard from again.

And the last thing he did... was try to go over and take a look at

the Hell Week, the Hell Week, the Hell Week initiation.

Come here.

Check this out.

Have a seat.

Good. Now, put these on.

I got most of the fraternities and the sororities and the classrooms bugged.

Did you bug the Upe's dig house yet?

No.

You know, every man that walks into... They follow the men who walk into the

place around from the time they get in to the time they leave. It's impossible

to get anything on them.

They've got impenetrable security.

Well, how about long-distance audio surveillance?

I thought of that, but they've got jamming equipment, too.

You ready for this?

Here's Ingrid Nordquist with a couple-year-old fraternity brother.

Anybody ever tell you you look like John Ashley?

What?

Sorority girls never get to watch guys turn you off.

So?

I want you Delta guys to do me a big favor.

I want you to wax your weasel,

wrap your rascal,

jag your bag,

pump your stump,

In other words,

I want you to play

with yourself right there.

I want you to beat your meat real good.

Here.

You Delta House guys.

You're not too bad.

Even though you are the biggest slob on campus.

The Lobos love you anyway.

You have nice cock.

I want to play with them.

I brought some roses just for this occasion.

I want to suck both your cocks.

And then I want one of you to lick my pussy.

And maybe one of you to...

Lick my ass?

That would be really nice.

Both are optimal at the same time. Oh, you got it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

I want to look at you.

Some roses for the lady, huh?

Yeah.

You like that?

Oh, look it.

It tastes good. Oh, yeah.

Oh!

Oh, my room's not even this messy.

Oh, yeah.

All right. The next hypothetical question concerns the Wizard of Oz.

If Dorothy could have sex with any of the characters, with whom would it be?

Mr. Fulton?

Audie, I'm talking to you.

The Tin Man.

Your reasoning?

Oh, that's easy.

The Tin Man carried a big stick.

He was a woodsman.

Mr. Foster, you agree?

Uh, no, I definitely disagree.

I think her obvious choice would have been the Scarecrow.

And why is that, Crandall?

Well, of all the characters, the most special bonding occurs between her and

the Scarecrow.

Sensitivity was...

inherent to both their characters.

And would have most likely manifested into a form of a love affair.

That's true. There was no real chemistry between Dorothy and the

other characters in a sexual way.

Scarecrow's a wimp.

Fat boys better watch your ass.

Oh, Dr.

Cantrell, I don't doubt we have a saying.

We wouldn't refer to our fraternity as a frat the same way you wouldn't refer to

your country as your cunt.

You know, he is from Joe Don Wolf's hometown.

I wonder.

Good. I know this is just the house for me. So when do I join?

Well, Lola, that isn't how it's done.

You have to be as brave as this and one of the other sisters.

And if you want my advice, you should get to have as many dirty girls as

possible. Like that one right there.

I'm from the swamps of Louisiana, my own damn self.

Why don't you have pledge pens?

Well, from one page to another, darling, we just don't go for that fancy shit.

We don't need pledge pens.

How come the other sororities have paddles and composites and trophies and

emblems and knickknacks all over the place?

Have you ever talked to any of the other sisters about Ohio?

Yeah, and they all say... It isn't the one house that every girl tried to join

in the worst way.

Well, we have our own traditions.

Our system is the bottom line for anything.

So what are their

membership requirements?

Well, we want real women, not silly girls.

And then there's your H's and the E's. Those are for automatic

disqualification. Oh, that's not awful. What is it?

No hog, no hag, no hair lips, no hunchback, no

headbangers, no harlots, no hard cases, and no hushed up shoes.

And anybody east of the Susquehanna River, that's mostly New York City and

New England.

No, thank you.

Well, gosh, am I any of them?

Oh, no, no.

Oh, we do have one more age. Kelly added it. She's a surfer girl.

So, uh, no ho-dads.

Here we go, sisters.

Hey, Russians, we are not like you. They give you cookies and tea.

We party.

And if you can't...

And bigger.

You can just hit the road, Jack.

I just have to get in. I just shirt my father. Help me get in. You know, we

have lots of money.

Oh,

get rid of her. My way.

Have you seen the furnace room?

My daddy owns most of Beverly Hills.

Who is that? He looks like a woman, not just a dude.

That's Arlie A.

She's our prompter.

Prompter? I don't want to see the furnace room.

Don't let the door hit you in the ass.

You know, all the other sororities have little old ladies for housewives.

We have a prompter.

Arlie, she still party?

She's cool.

That's groovy.

Hey, howdy.

Dr. Cantrell really wants me to help you with your study load for her class.

She means it.

Oh, bullshit.

She just wants me to play ball.

You think I don't know she's behind the push to recruit me, huh?

Yeah, well, rumor has it that she secretly runs the athletic department.

I hear she's fixated on turning Lost River into a major powerhouse.

Well, hey, let me tell you.

The key to sports was, is, and always will be, ringers.

But you know what? Hey, I bet you when she takes off that disguise, she's one

hot piece of ass.

Yeah, well, for your term paper on the career works of an author, how about

doing yours on Isak Denison?

Eh, never heard of him.

When she asked about the wind in the willows, say the mole was definitely

gay, but the rat most likely had tendencies.

Okay.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, who that?

I'm gonna get you laid.

What? Yeah.

Yeah, let's get back to the house, man. My brother's got this new song title

chick ready for a train.

Susan LeBeau?

The one who talks in song titles?

Yep, that's her.

She loves to get fucked.

Can't get enough, according to old Gene Hammond.

Brothers, this is Sister Song Title, and we're the brothers in arms.

Yeah!

Train action!

Woo-hoo!

Yeah!

Right over here.

That's my big day.

I can't believe it.

Yeah, that's the way she sings.

Yeah, I like it. Sing,

baby, sing.

Yeah.

Everything. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Sing for me, baby.

Yeah.

Break it to me gently.

Sing a song.

Sing a song.

Yeah, I like it. Yeah, do her. I've got that.

Sing,

baby.

I

can't

do it.

since you're trying to think yeah

Sing it, baby. Sing it.

Come on.

Fuckin' are so easy, man.

He's ready to come, bro.

Fuckin' harder. Come on out, man.

Come on out.

There you go.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Remember Joe Sanders? Oh, fuck yeah.

You gotta keep searching.

Give it to her.

I'm trying to get your email, honey.

Seriously, it's all the time. Let's go.

Yeah. Come on. Pull up your rear.

Pull up your complete.

Yeah.

You know, they caught me running around.

My model of life is fucking now and he's gone down the road.

Well, I'm honored to welcome you all as Upsilon Sigma pledges.

I am your pledge trainer, and during your pledge period, you will be required

to do a community service project.

You will be given work duties, and you will each be required to live in the

house for a week.

What about hell week? It kind of scares me.

Okay, now listen to me.

I want you to remember that none of you will be asked to do anything that one of

the sisters haven't already done.

No one will be physically harmed, and no one will cross the line.

It's like a rite of passage.

I want you to treat it like a game.

Make it a lot of fun.

It can be among one of the best times of your entire life.

Believe me, I've been there.

Well, what are our odds that we'll make it all the way through?

Well, I hope you all make it. Otherwise, we wouldn't have asked you here. You'd

have to be a real monumental fuck-up to get dinged.

There isn't a woman on this campus that wouldn't give her odd teeth to be in our

shoes. That's it. Amanda said it. Very good. Good job.

Okay, now this is what we call a lineup.

First thing, I want you all to drop your tops.

Go ahead.

Drop your tops.

It's okay.

Go ahead.

Very good. Okay. Now, turn around and bend over.

Lift up your skirt.

Oh, you take, pull down the shirt and pull down the panties.

Very good.

Okay. Now, from that position, I want you to tell me your name, your hometown,

your rank, and your major.

Like this. My name is Emmy Lou Erickson. I'm from Anaconda, Montana.

And I'm a senior majoring in interior design.

So let's start down here. Go ahead.

Lydia Sandstrom from Boise, Idaho.

Sophomore, I'm majoring in radio television.

I'm A.P. Dupre. The A.P. stands for Amy Page.

And I'm from Evangeline, Paris, Louisiana.

And I'm a sophomore majoring in English literature.

Long live Huey T. Long.

Amanda Arnett from New Orleans, Louisiana.

Sophomore majoring in political science.

And I'm Bobby Toparlo from Ames, Iowa.

I'm a sophomore and I major in veterinary medicine.

Very good.

Okay, that's enough.

Let's get back to the pledge books and get back to work.

Observations.

My theory rests on the fact that a careful paper trail has covered

disappearances over the last 40 years.

These girls never seem to age. Look at our release.

Something soon.

Probably Alan Barton. The girls show a marked proclivity for heterosexual

experiences since I taught here.

My head.

I'm really looking forward to the homecoming party. I know. Amelie says

it's Friday only.

Yeah, I heard it has something to do with picking big sisters in costume.

I picked Sylvia Avery.

I asked Greta Garshipson last week. You know how she always wants to be alone.

Well, no matter what, it is going to be wild.

Uh-huh.

Cuphead, we're the October Angels.

It's the twilight of your life, Ed.

Wake the fuck up, Ed.

You out there where the buses don't run no more?

I saw them.

I saw them taunting me.

The girls from Upsilon Sigma.

You're dreaming.

I wasn't dreaming yesterday when I was monitoring Delta.

Something came to me.

Crandall Foster is from Waco.

Texas. Big deal. So what? So what?

So what?

Think back, man.

Joe Don Wolf is from Waco, Texas.

It's a coincidence.

Look, I gotta go. Be back for the homecoming. Don't get in over your head,

okay?

Are you making any progress with Audie Fulton?

Not really.

He doesn't even seem to care.

I suggested he do his term paper on Issac Dennison, and he said he'd never

even heard of him.

Can you believe this, lowbrow? I mean, his idea of a dinner date is going to

the cafeteria at Kmart and standing in line while he holds hands.

I don't understand why this guy has so much success with women.

Well, just think of him as John Updike's rabbit character.

I mean, that's how he'll wind up.

Glory now, failure later.

You know, Crandall, I think you might need a tutor.

A tutor?

Uh, don't I have a 3.9 grade point average?

Tutors are available to all students.

Even potential geniuses.

So you mean I'd be working more closely with a faculty advisor?

Oh, not me.

The person I had in mind is the Upsilon Sigma

Proctor. Miss R. Lee He's excellent with student

direction and planning.

Do you know her? Yeah, I've heard of her.

The posers call her the Fleeting Fox.

Oh, she's an excellent academic.

Crandall, why did you come to Malt River?

That would be because of Joe Don Wolfe from Waco, Texas.

He was a local legend there, and he came here about 20 years ago.

Uh, maybe you knew him. He disappeared.

Oh, I've heard of him. He was your fraternity president, right?

Yeah.

Uh, he... Well, if it hadn't been for him, I would have never heard of Lost

River.

You know, I'm going to have Orly give you some very special lessons.

Dear Crandell Foster, I'm Orly Hebert.

Nice to finally meet you.

Now, Crandall, what seems to be the problem?

Well, Dr.

Cantrell suggested I need a tutor.

But fuck, I've got an almost perfect GPA.

Did you say but fuck or but fuck?

Book learning ain't all there is to know.

Lost River wants well-rounded students, achievers.

You're a little shy.

Nothing wrong with that.

I was a bashful girl from Waycross, Georgia.

Straight out of six.

Terrified of everybody and everything.

But I got over it.

Well, I would say that my alleged shyness has very little to do with my

academic performance.

You missed my point.

Book learning don't mean squat shit sometimes.

Susan LeBeau said she was having some fun with your brother, and you split.

You really hurt her feelings. She likes you.

She does?

Uh, well, she does have a very strange way of demonstrating that.

Hey, Susan's a strange girl, but that doesn't make her a bad person.

She thinks you're secretly a fag.

That is absolutely not true.

Well, we're just going to have to be sure, aren't we?

Get undressed.

Well, you two have a good life.

I, uh... When's the last time you had your dick fucked?

I don't want to talk about it.

I, uh... Lila Cantrell asked me to tutor you, and you are not paying attention.

Here, kiss my leg.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Spread my panic.

Expose my.

You know, there's some things women won't do.

And there's some things men won't do.

Look, Randall, I want you to give me a rim job.

Come on.

I did.

You put me as a remarkable power over me.

It's because it's a super pussy.

Super pussy, I believe it.

That was beautiful.

Maybe you'll even get to fuck me one day. Crap.

More notes.

I'm convinced Upsilon Sigma and their seven chapters nationwide are part of

some kind of lesbian Stepford Society training ground.

Guys have disappeared from Lost River over the last 40 years. They've never

been heard from again. They've come from Beta House, Sigma House, Theta House,

Kappa House, but most from the Delta Kappa House.

Where the fuck is the big world of this little Lydia Cantrell? Where did she go?

I traced her to Oaxaca, Mexico. I suspect... if she went to Paraguay and

teamed up with Alfredo Stolzmer, she's gone too.

Perhaps she's dead.

I hope so.

Sisters, abuse the long stigma.

Pledges. This is the getting to know each other portion of the party.

Thank you.

Hey, you burned out, man.

It's me.

It's me, Ed. Lydia Cantrell.

I'm alive, Ed.

And I know what you want.

I've always known what you wanted.

You want me, don't you, Ed?

You want to see my tit?

Yes.

I knew it.

That's not you.

It's changed.

It's not really you.

Of course it is, Ed.

You just don't remember, do you?

Now you stay out of our business, you hear me?

That's your last warning.

No.

No!

No!

Now they have Crandall, just like they have Alan.

It's showtime!

I'm going to wait until initiation.

And then I'm going to torch the whole fucking place.