Original subtitles

Oh, Roy, could you please watch the counter for me for a minute?

I left my purse in the car.

Oh, all right.

Yeah, yeah, I know it's five dollars a minute

and yes, my parents know I'm doing it.

Now, let me speak to Charisse.

Oh, damn, hold--hold on.

Yes, sir, may I help you?

Hello.

This is Lowell. Who's this?

I'm wearing coveralls.

What are you wearing?

Well, it's supposed to get down into the thirties tonight.

Is that thing lined?

You want to do what?

Oh, I'm sorry, Lowell. Is that for me?

Oh, uh, I don't think so.

Could you hold on just a second?

Fay, I think I'm gonna finish this phone call in Joe's office.

Helen, did you read about the Sconset High game last night?

Ha! Hear about it? I was there. It was incredible.

Ty Warner had 18 strikeouts.

Don't you people have anything better to do than spend your time watching

rinky-dink high school baseball games?

Hey, Roy, this--this kid is actually pretty good.

although 18 strikeouts doesn't beat your performance

on that singles cruise you took last year.

Yeah, Ty's really closing in on Joe's old record, boy.

Yeah. How's Joe taking it?

Much too well. Much too well.

Every time I bring up the possibility of his record being broken,

he just shrugs it off. Hmm.

He's calm, disinterested, totally unconcerned.

My guess is it's killing him.

HELEN: Good morning, Joe. Hey, Joey, Joey. Hey, hey, hey.

Did you hear Ty Warner had a hell of a game last night, boy.

Yeah, I read about that. Good for him.

You know, Ty only needs six more strikeouts and he's gonna pass you up.

Yeah. I heard. Shoot! Boy, that kid is a hell of a pitcher.

You know, that's not the best part. He's not just an athlete.

He makes straight A's. He's president of the student council.

And he runs the local chapter of Meals on Wheels.

Joey, says here that they clocked his fastball at 90 miles an hour.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

They say his curve ball practically drops off the end of a table.

Yep.

I don't think you understand how the needling process works, Joe.

See, you have to act bothered or else it's no fun for us.

What do you want me to say, Brian? Losing the record bothers me?

Okay, it bothers me. Case closed, chapter over.

Now let's just be done with it.

Hey, hey, relax, relax. Records were made to be broken.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you for coming up with the perfect cliche for the situation.

So, w-what are you saying? All's well that ends well?

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

Does this cloud have a silver lining?

I don't know, Joe. Only time will tell.

That's how the needling process works.

Uh, Lowell.

Oh, hi, Fay, what's up?

It's about the work you did on my Record-a-Book project for the Senior Center.

I'm afraid I have a problem with A Tale of Two Cities.

Ah, I know what you mean. Yeah, this Dickens guy is no Danielle Steele.

Lowell, my problem is not with the book.

My problem is with the way you read it.

LOWELL: If Sidney Carton never shone anywhere

he certainly never shone in the house of Doctor Manette.

He'd been there often, during a whole year,

and had always been the same, moody and morose.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello. Oh, hey, Fred.

Bowling? Huh, I wish I could.

I gotta stay home and finish reading this dumb book.

Yeah, Fay's been hounding me about it.

I swear the woman's like a blue jay

buzzing around your head, "Read the book. Read the book. Read the book."

Hey, you don't think that was about you, do you?

Awfully sensitive.

You're the one who's saying all these things about me

and you think I'm the one who's sensitive?

I was talking about the microphone.

You. Where's Joe Hackett?

Oh, his office is-- is right over there.

Hey, Coach, Coach Snyder, aren't you gonna say hello to me?

Who the hell are you?

Brian Hackett. I'm Joe's brother.

I played for you at Sconset.

Oh, yeah. I didn't recognize you.

You're not sitting at the end of a bench.

Well, hey, that was your fault.

I mean, I was a pretty damn good catcher.

You were an idiot.

Running up and down the dugout with your cup over your face

pretending it was a gas mask.

Just trying to keep the team loose.

Yeah, yeah, Mr. Ben-Gay-in-the-shorts, Mr. Towel-snapper.

If I had my way, guys like you would be in jail.

Hey, hey, Coach Snyder. What a surprise. What brings you down here?

Hackett. You're looking good. A little soft in the middle, though.

You'd better drop and give me 50.

I'm just kidding.

Yeah, so, uh, what's new coach?

Well, Joe, I don't know if you've heard.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know, I know my record.

Well, actually I was gonna tell you they split me open and stuck in a pacemaker.

Jeez, I'm sorry. You all right?

Oh yeah, I'm fine just as long as there's no...

Hey! Don't touch that microwave.

It's a toaster oven.

Oh. Well, in that case, toots, toss in a bagel.

And don't be stingy with the cream cheese.

Coach, you're still smoking?

Oh, I cut down to two packs a day.

That lung I had removed scared the hell out of me.

But the important thing is the old noodle's still working.

Hey, toots, toss in a bagel, and don't be stingy with the cream cheese.

Listen, Hackett, there's somebody I want you to meet.

Ty. Ty, boy. Get your butt in here.

I told you to stay right with me. Now drop and give me 50.

Relax, I'm just kidding.

Sorry, Coach. I was helping an older gentleman with his luggage.

The kid's a pisser.

Ty Warner, I want you to meet Joe Hackett.

You're shaking hands with the strongest right arm this island's ever seen.

Aw, gee, Coach, I don't know...

Not you. I'm talking about my boy here.

He's just what I'd want if I had a son of my own,

which, of course, everyone knows is medically impossible.

But that doesn't make me any less of a man.

No. No, no, of course not.

Boy, it's really an honor to meet you, Mr. Hackett, sir.

You know, I saw you play once. Oh, really?

Well, that's what my mom told me.

I was only three years old. I didn't start remembering stuff until I was about four.

Well, it's nice to meet you, too.

Well, look who's here.

Oh, hi, Ms. Chapel. Hi, Ty.

Hey, will you give us a minute here, Ty? Sure thing, Coach.

Here, Ms. Chapel, let me give you a hand with this.

Well, thank you.

Wow, that's a pretty outfit.

I can't imagine anything looking bad on you.

Ty, have you ever seen a movie called The Graduate?

There you go. I'm sorry, Coach. Now, what was it you wanted?

Hackett, I need a favor. Our last game is this Friday against Chatham.

I'd like you to fly us over in your plane.

My plane's not big enough for the whole team.

Team? Forget the team. Those duds can take the ferry.

I'm just talking about me, Ty and maybe a couple of photographers.

See, I'm bringing the press along

so I can get a picture of the old record-holder

and the new record-holder together.

And right in between them, the man who coached them to greatness.

Coach, aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself?

He doesn't have the record yet. I mean,

even I had games where I didn't get six strikeouts.

Hackett, you were a hustling ballplayer,

a solid pitcher, a good guy.

But you couldn't carry this kid's jock strap.

Coach, I... Listen, Hackett

I've got pro scouts sniffing around telling me he's gonna be the next Roger Clemens.

Well, look, I'd love to help you out, Coach, but I've got...

Listen. I've been at that school for 30 years.

I'm sick of teaching English. I just ain't got the stomach for it no more.

Did I tell you I had this much of my lower intestine removed?

No, I would have remembered that.

Uh, look Coach, I--I still don't think I can make it...

Listen, this is the kid who's gonna take me to the big leagues.

He's my gravy train, my meal ticket, my stepping stone.

Okay, Coach, listen, I--I'd love to but I...

What is it with you? Is it "Me, me, me" all the time?

Now, are you gonna help your old coach or aren't you?

All right. All right. All right. I'll fly the kid to Chatham.

All right, good, that's better.

When we get back I'll buy you a beer. I'd have one myself but...

Whoa, whoa, let me guess. Bad liver?

No, I'm a Mormon.

Thanks again for the milk, Ms. Chapel. Sure.

Are you sure I can't pay you for it?

Oh, your money's no good here. Coach, here's your bagel.

Bagel? I didn't order any bagel. Screwy dame, huh?

Oh, Helen, you're pathetic. What?

You're practically drooling after that young punk. Oh, stop it. I am not.

Oh, yeah, I see the way you're looking at him.

17 years old, perfect body, at his sexual peak.

Hmm. I've got news for you, sweet cakes.

I can do anything in a bedroom that that kid can do.

Except get someone to join you.

(CHOKING)

I'm just speaking hypothetically here,

but I mean, it's not beyond the realms of possibility.

I'm just 12 years older than Ty. That's no big deal.

I mean, if I were 62 and he were 50, no one would even care.

Helen, he's only 17. He's still in high school.

He's a senior.

Well, he's very mature for his age.

Oh, God, Joe. I just can't talk to you.

Mr. Hackett, is this a Cessna 402?

Yes, it is.

I think this is the same kind of plane we used when my church group

airlifted supplies to the hurricane victims in North Carolina.

Well, well, you sure keep busy, don't you?

I try to do what I can.

Listen, Mr. Hackett, I just wanted to thank you

for taking the time to be a part of the official ceremony and everything.

Ceremony?

It really means a lot to me.

Coach Snyder.

Hmm?

Ty just mentioned something about a ceremony.

Oh, yeah. It's going to be beautiful.

You see, as soon as Ty breaks the record,

the band's going to march out on the field and spell "Joe."

And then the brass section will come on out

and they'll make a big "x" through your name, regroup, and then spell "Ty."

And then the fireworks will go off,

then you'll ride out to the mound on Esther, the Marching Mule.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You want me to ride on a mule?

Well, sure. That's when you'll give Ty the keys to his new Camaro.

He gets a Camaro? When I broke the record I got a milkshake.

So, what's your point?

Did you know about this? Yeah.

The Boosters asked me to make matching hats for you and the mule.

Ah, as fun as that sounds, it might not make any difference.

Have you looked below us lately?

Mmm-hmm. It's a little cloudy, so what?

No-no. It's not clouds, that's fog. I don't know if I can land.

Oh, please. You can land. What's going on?

Well, we're socked in. I can't see the field.

Landing could be very dangerous.

Well, you're still gonna land anyway, aren't you? Well, I don't know.

Come on, Joe. I've seen you land in fog a lot worse than this.

I don't know, Ms. Chapel. It does look bad.

You're right, Ty. I'm scared. Hold me.

Chatham Tower. This is Nevada-121-poppa-poppa.

We're on final approach and can't make visual contact. Are we clear to land? Over.

TOWER: Nevada-121-poppa-poppa.

I can't get a visual on you either.

The ceiling is obscured. Proceed at your own risk. It's your call.

Now you heard him. You can do whatever you want.

Now put the damn plane on the ground.

This is the last game of the season.

It's Ty's last chance to break the record.

Boy, a lot of people would sure be disappointed if I missed it.

HELEN: Come on, Joe. SNYDER: Come on, Hackett, just do it.

Put the damn plane on the ground.

(ALL CLAMORING)

All right! All right! All right!

I am the pilot. I'm going to make the decisions.

Everyone just sit down and shut up.

You know, Mr. Hackett, when I'm faced with a difficult decision,

I often find the answer in prayer.

Uh, Fay.

Look, I know you're still upset with me,

but I've got something here I'd really like you to listen to.

I took another stab at Tale of Two Cities.

You know, maybe you could give it a whirl and tell me what you think.

I've heard enough already. "Read the book. Read the book. Read the book."

Well, I tell you what. I'm just gonna put the tape in and start it,

all you have to do is listen.

LOWEL: "The chateau was left to itself to flame and burn.

"In the roaring and raging of the conflagration."

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Who is it?

Hi, Lowell. What're you doing?

Oh, hi, Hank.

I'm just reading a book for my good friend, Fay.

Oh, forget that and let's go out drinking and chasing women.

Gosh. I'd love to, but I can't let Fay down. She's too good a friend.

Well, goodbye, Hank. I mean Lowell.

I mean Lowell.

Wow. I am so embarrassed. I did not know the tape was running.

Well, if this is meant to be some sort of apology, Lowell. I accept.

'Cause, you know, this "Hank"

sounds suspiciously like someone who's been calling the counter

and asking me to page Mr. Frank Furter.

True, he's a man with many problems.

And currently undergoing intense psychotherapy with Dr. Seymour Butts.

Quick. Somebody help me. I've got to get this boy to Chatham now.

W-what are you guys doing back?

Well, your bozo brother was too chicken to land.

It was too foggy. I couldn't land.

Oh, for the love of... The game's already started.

Well, maybe Ty can catch the ferry.

Oh, that'd take too long.

Why is everyone standing around? We got to get him there now.

I'll fly you to that game.

Roy, I was up there. There's no visibility.

Hey, if there's any way to get him there, my pilots will do it.

Go fire up that twin. Come on. Right this way.

Finally. An airline with some cojones.

Not that that always matters, though, you know, because sometimes... aw...

It's totally socked in up there.

Hey, hey, hey, if you say you couldn't land, you couldn't land.

You're darn right I couldn't. Helen, Helen, you were up there. Tell 'em.

Helen? Helen, tell them I couldn't land.

Hey, if you say so.

What do you mean, "If I say so?" What's that supposed to mean?

Well, all I know is that I've seen you land in weather a lot worse than that, Joe.

Hey. I assessed the situation and I acted totally within standard safety guidelines.

What? All of a sudden you know more about flying than I do?

Okay, I'll be totally honest with you, Joe.

I think you're trying to protect your precious little record.

You are out of your mind. Of course, everyone already knows that.

The spectacle you've been making out of yourself chasing after that child.

Oh, please, give me a break.

I just try to show a little community spirit

and you turn it into something ugly.

I tell you, the only thing childish is you.

Turning around a whole plane just to protect your fragile male ego.

I cannot believe you would accuse me of something like this

after knowing me all these years.

H-how could you think I'd do that?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Sandpiper.

No, Lowell, I will not page Mr. R. M. Pitts.

Hi, Joe. Can I come in?

I'm kind of busy.

What are you busy doing?

I'm just busy, that's all.

Look, um, about before,

I guess I just got caught up in the excitement of the game and everything.

I shouldn't have attacked you. I should have defended you.

I mean, if you said it was too foggy to land, it was.

I'm really sorry.

Yeah, well. I said some things I shouldn't have, too.

What are you looking at the old yearbook for?

Aw, just looking at the old team picture.

Oh, you were so young.

You know you actually look a lot like Ty there,

except, you know, he's a little taller.

Got a little broader shoulders

and where his thigh meets his butt, his pinstripes sort of bulge out into...

Oh, for God's sake, Helen, go home and take a cold shower.

I'll just leave you alone.

You know, I keep going over that approach in my mind.

I'm not sure there isn't a little truth in what you said.

What do you mean?

Well, part of me keeps thinking that maybe, without even realizing it,

I didn't want to land because I didn't want to lose my record.

It's like, I'm 99 percent sure that I acted responsibly.

But there's a nagging one percent that just doesn't know.

Hey, you're human. I mean, everybody lives with doubts.

At least you've got it narrowed down to one per cent.

Well, what if I told you it was more like

five percent doubt and only 95 percent sure?

Hey, what's the difference? You're mostly sure.

Yeah, I guess.

But, if I'm totally honest, it's more like 80-20.

Make that 75-25.

73-27.

Joe, do you always break down your feelings like this?

No. Maybe 20 percent of the time.

You know, until two days ago you never even mentioned this record.

I mean, what is so important about this?

I don't know, I--I guess that

as long as I hold the record, a part of me is still 17.

But when that record goes I've got to come to terms

with the fact that I'm not a kid anymore.

I'm a guy in his thirties who hasn't exactly set the world on fire.

It's pretty stupid, huh?

No. Maybe five percent.

The team's back. Ty made it to the game.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Sounds like he got the record.

Yeah. Afraid so. He showed up for the last two innings,

struck out all six batters he faced

and hit the game-winning home run.

Whoo! All right.

I'm sure his parents will be pleased.

Boy, I can't imagine a kid having a better game than that.

Well, let me help you.

He also dove into the stands to stop a foul ball from hitting a pregnant woman.

You know, and this has nothing to do with my record,

but is this kid a little too good to be true?

I mean, is there anything he's not good at?

I don't know, I heard that he tried to give his invalid grandmother a perm

and that didn't work out so well.

There you have it. Kid's a loser.

Yeah. You're grabbing at straws, Joe.

You know what I remember most about the day I broke the record?

What?

When I broke it, they trotted out this old guy,

the previous record-holder, to shake my hand.

Yeah, I remember that guy. What an old geezer.

He was two years younger than I am right now.

Say, Pops, I need your help with something. What?

Just--just come on. Need your help.

(GROANING)

Oh, did you hear that?

I just made the old man noise.

I'm starting to sound like Uncle Ned.

Well, strap on your truss and shuffle on out here.

What are you doing?

Well. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Come on, just playing a little catch. Come on.

Brian, we haven't played catch in 10 years.

And darn it, isn't that long enough?

Come on, Brian, we're not 17 anymore.

Hey, I can still do everything I did when I was 17.

Just can't do it as often. Now come on, throw it. Throw it.

Look. I know what you're trying to do. It's not going to work.

I'm not trying to do anything. We're just playing some catch is all.

Just keep loose. Don't overthrow.

Brian, you know I'm not in the mood for this.

That's it. That's it. Nice and easy. Nice and easy. Yeah. You the man.

Oh, beautiful, beautiful. That's it. Just playing catch. No sweat.

Ow! That stung. Handful of bees, babe.

Yeah. Yeah, right.

Yeah. Now, come on. Now, come on, do--do--do a couple more.

Put a little mustard on it, huh? Huh? Give me some heat.

You want some heat?

Yeah, give me some heat.

Oh, no. I haven't thrown like that in a long time.

I'm not gonna give you éthe heat.

I want to see, I want to see some heat.

You want the heat? What am I talking about?

You want the heat? Yeah, I want it...

That's what you want? You want the heat? Yeah.

Okay, you asked for it.

Oh, okay, one Hackett Express coming on track number one.

Are you ready for this? Uh, what does this mean?

You're sure you're ready? Yeah, let's go.

You're ready. All right. Yeah. I'm sure.

Okay, here comes the smoke. Okay.

(MOANING)

(YELLING IN PAIN)

What's going on?

(BOTH YELLING IN PAIN)