Original subtitles

Here you go. One Hungry Man's Breakfast hot off the griddle.

Ah, thanks. Looks terrific.

I'm starving.

Attention, please.

This is the first and final boarding call for Aeromass,

Flight 19 to Boston.

Aw, jeez!

I repeat,

this is the final boarding call.

Why does this always happen to me?

Have a nice flight.

Yeah, right.

Thank you for flying Aeromass.

(AIRPLANE ENGINE WHIRRING)

(CHORTLES)

Oh, good, you're here. Brian's due from Barbuda any minute.

Gee, too bad we didn't organize a parade for him.

Oh, I didn't think it was necessary but I could still make a couple of quick calls.

Fay, I was being sarcastic.

So was I. I'm just not very good at it.

Hey, he got a tax refund.

So he's out having a vacation, having a good time.

What's the big deal? I'll tell you what the big deal is.

He had a chance to get ahead in life,

to put a little money aside and make a little nest egg,

but instead he blew the entire thing

on pina coladas and cocoa butter rubdowns.

Well, if I'd gotten a $5,000 windfall,

I'd be in Barbuda doing the exact same thing as Brian.

Only, you know, sober, with my clothes on.

Oh, Barbuda. What a heavenly island.

I went there once as a stewardess.

Oh, yeah?

I still remember Irmo, the pool boy. He gave the most divine backrubs.

The secret was his thumbs. They were over six inches long.

He could palm a basketball and suck his thumb at the same time.

He didn't, but he could have.

Oh, this is good. This is good.

Take a picture of me here, in the airport, where my journey begins.

What are you talking about? What journey?

Well, I'm going home to Italy to see my family.

I want to show them pictures of my life here in America.

Lowell, how many shots do we have left?

Oh, just one.

Ah, good. Then we can get one of me surrounded by my friends.

Charming fellow. That's really sweet of you.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Oh, uh, Roy. Huh?

Not there.

Oh. Oh. Here.

Roy. Huh?

Not there, either.

Hey, fine. I was just trying to class up your picture.

Me, too.

LOWELL: All right, uh, just about ready.

Huh? I can't seem to get the flash to work here.

(ALL CHATTERING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Well, I think that's a keeper.

Greetings, everyone!

Brian!

Hey! Or as they say in the islands,

"Naka tikki, waku waku."

What does that mean?

That's gibberish.

You know, what do you expect from those people

who sit in the hot sun all day drinking rum?

Speaking of which, look what I got for you guys.

Wow. 1688?

Where'd you get this?

Sunken pirate ship.

Cost me an arm and a leg but nothing's too good for my friends.

Whoa! What are you waiting for, Lowell? Just crack her open.

I want you all to pour drinks, celebrate my homecoming.

Roy.

Uh, I don't know why, but for some reason, I saw this and thought of you.

Thanks, Hackett.

With any luck, this isn't the only thing you caught in the islands.

Oh, hey, Fay, Fay, Fay. Um, Irmo sends his regards and also he says...

Uh, I saved all your mail for you, Brian.

Oh, thank you.

Mmm. Mmm.

Hey, this is not bad. Those pirates knew how to live.

HELEN: Delicious.

(GROANING)

What, Brian? What's wrong?

Yeah, the refund was an error.

The IRS want their $5000 back.

They can't do that. Can they do that?

They're the government. They can do anything they want.

(MOANING)

Oh, Bri, why do bad things always happen to good people?

What am I gonna do?

Listen, listen, Hackett,

you want to fight this IRS thing, I'll send you to my tax lawyer.

He knows every loophole there is and he's not afraid to use them.

Oh, that's worth a shot. Give me his number.

Well, he's not allowed phone calls,

but you can visit him on Fridays between 2:00 and 5:00.

Say, Joe, I don't suppose that you could possibly...

No, is it possible... No, no. Not a chance.

You got yourself into this.

You could've been a little more sensible, but you blew it.

I mean, you know, I would like to take my life's savings and do something crazy, too.

I'd like to go out and buy a Ferrari. But I don't, and you know why?

Because they don't make them in brown?

Hey, Joe, I just wanted to tell you that I have a dentist appointment

on Tuesday morning, but, um, I should be ready to go around 11:00.

Uh, Helen, Helen, I don't know what you're talking about,

but, uh, I'm busy Tuesday. I'm going to opening day at Fenway.

Well, of course you are. We're going together, remember?

No, we're not. I'm taking Nancy Fletcher.

Joe, you've obviously forgotten something. I gave you those tickets.

As a gift.

And...

And... Thank you.

No. And we're going together.

Oh, yeah, I see where you're confused.

You see, you see, when you gave me those tickets,

we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

So?

Well, you see, when you're boyfriend and girlfriend,

you're like at this level here, let's call it Level One.

And when you get tickets at Level One, then you take the girlfriend.

But when you and I stopped being boyfriend and girlfriend,

well, then you fell down here to Level Two,

the "Just friends" level.

Which means I can pick whoever I want from Level Two

and bring them up here with me and the tickets.

And, uh, I picked Nancy Fletcher.

Well, come down here to Level Two for a second

and let me tell you how this thing shakes out.

We have box seats, opening day at Fenway Park,

right behind the Red Sox dugout,

so close to Roger Clemens that his sweat is gonna spray on my Fenway frank.

So there is no way that you are gonna waste those tickets on some chick

that doesn't know the difference between first base and third base.

Trust me, she knows the difference.

Fay, if you don't mind, I would like to leave my luggage here now.

Well, fine, but your flight to Boston isn't until late this evening.

And your connecting flight to Italy isn't until midnight.

I know, but I don't want to take any chances.

I hate to miss planes.

You're just like my second husband.

He was a fanatic about being early.

Whenever we had to take a flight,

he'd make me pack three days in advance.

He'd set the alarm for 5:00 a.m.

He'd get us to the airport hours before we had to be there.

It still gives me a giggle whenever I refer to him as my "late" husband.

Tell me, do you know where I can get traveler's checks?

Uh, why don't you go see Brian?

What does Brian have to do with traveler's checks?

Well, he called a little while earlier.

Apparently, he got a part-time job with the bank, so he can pay back the IRS.

I... You see, I knew. What did I tell you? That guy always lands on his feet.

Anyone else forced to take a second job would wind up digging ditches

or pumping gas. But not my brother. No.

Mr. Lucky gets some cushy job down at the bank. Can you stand it?

(ROY CHORTLING)

Barely.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Barney Fife.

(FEIGNING LAUGHTER)

Okay, Roy.

Yeah, first thing tomorrow,

I'm gonna transfer all my money into your bank so I can sleep at night.

That's great.

Uh, look, uh, because of my new job,

I need your help sorting something out.

Oh, well, sure, Officer Hackett.

The, uh, glazed ones are round and shiny

and the crullers are long and twisted.

No, I meant sorting out my schedule.

Okay, the bank just gave me my new hours.

So, from now on, I can only take the night and early morning flights.

You'll have to take all the rest.

I knew it. I knew this would happen.

I knew that somehow your problem would become my problem, and it did.

It's not like I had a lot of options, okay?

The only other offer I had was to stand in front of Rico's Fish Hut

dressed in an oyster suit and get shucked every time a tour bus came by.

Oh, I had that job last summer.

The kids pelted me with oyster crackers and, uh, threw me off the pier.

(SIGHS)

Pow!

What you, uh, what you staring at, mister?

Me? Yeah.

Uh, nothing.

I believe you're waiting for the next available window. Is that affirmative?

Uh, yes.

What's that look like to you, the monkey house?

Hey, Brian. Oh, what is this, huh?

You're all out on a little field trip to have a hearty laugh at my expense?

No, Brian. I came here to get traveler's checks for my trip to Italy.

I just came to make a deposit.

And I'm here to... What's my excuse again?

Fine. You can laugh all you want. Just keep the line moving.

Uh, Brian, as long as I'm here, would you mind opening the vault

so I can look at all the money?

Afraid not, Lowell. They didn't give me the keys to the vault.

Well, what are all those keys for?

Actually, these are some spares I brought from home.

They make a really neat jangling sound when I hitch up my belt.

Cool.

Oh, oh, oh. What is this? Oh.

Oh, it's my supportive older brother come down to laugh at me, too?

I'm sorry, strange-looking bank guard. Do I know you?

So did you break it to Nancy that she won't be going to the game?

Uh, yes, see, Helen, I need to talk to you about that... I'm going to that game.

Yes, you are.

I got you a seat.

Don't even ask me how much it cost.

Just--Just take it and enjoy. Here.

I don't need you to buy me a ticket.

I already have a ticket.

Come on, Helen, just take the ticket.

That way we can all go to the game and everybody's happy.

Section 52, row P, seat 12...

Obsvu. What does "Obsvu" mean?

Uh, I think that's, uh, Latin for excellent seat.

Does it say that on your ticket? Yeah, of course, it does.

"Obsvu"? That means "obstructed view."

You're better off watching it on TV.

Why don't you just move along, pal? There's a teller open.

I buy you seats behind the dugout

and you expect me to sit behind a post?

Yeah, you can forget this, buddy.

I have no idea if the guy who invented the billy club

is the same guy who invented the Tommy gun.

Do you think he had anything to do with the bobby pin?

Freeze! Everybody kiss the floor! Down, now. Everybody!

Oh, God.

Oh. Dear Lord. I don't believe it. I don't believe it, Brian.

I dreamed about this and it came true.

What, you--you mean you dreamed about a bank robbery?

No, I dreamt I met Nixon.

You, in the uniform, am I gonna have any trouble with you?

Why--Why would you? I'm just a-- just a school bus driver.

Yeah, where are those kids anyway? I've got to get out of here.

Hold it!

Bus driver, huh? How do you explain this?

Very tough school. Kiss the floor!

Puckering. Puckering away, sir.

Can you believe I lost my gun to a guy wearing two-toned wingtips?

I just want you to know, if we get out of this alive, I'm going to that game.

Hey. You just ripped up your chance.

Do you have any idea how much I paid for that ticket?

Yeah. About a tenth of what I paid for the one I bought you.

Hey! You two. Shut up!

I knew this was going to happen.

I'm going to miss my plane.

Antonio, just calm down, okay? Just cool it. Everything will be fine.

That's right. You listen to your buddy there.

I don't want to hurt anybody.

I just want the money.

If everybody cooperates, we'll all be sitting in butter.

I can't believe you won't give me my ticket.

Will you shut up? We're being robbed!

I have already been robbed. You're as big a thief as he is.

All right, all right. You can have the seat.

I'll take you. Are you satisfied?

All right. Now let's have all your valuables.

Jewelry, watches, wallets.

Let's go, mister, your wallet.

Oh, man. No! What are you doing?

Our tickets are in there. Helen, it is not worth getting killed over.

You call yourself a baseball fan.

Can you imagine the bank firing me over something like that?

Like it's my fault it's their first robbery since 1774?

My grandfather always used to say,

"Never bank more than you can afford to lose."

No, that doesn't sound right, does it?

I guess it was, "Never bet more than you can afford to lose."

No, no, that doesn't make much sense either

since Grandfather was never a betting man.

He did drink, of course, but not very much because it always made him throw up.

I guess that's what it was. "Never drink more than you can afford to lose."

Thanks for clearing that up.

That's what Grandmother always said.

Uh, no, uh, wait. I guess it was,

"Thanks for cleaning that up."

Go home, Fay.

Maybe I'll go home.

Uh, what time do we leave, Joe?

I don't want to miss my connecting flight from Boston.

Relax, Antonio. You got plenty of time.

Hey, uh, Brian, why don't you take this flight since you lost your day job?

Why not? I'll get the flight case.

So, the time has come for me to bid you all farewell.

This is very difficult for me.

So long, Antonio. Have a good time.

Yes. I--I will.

You know, it is never easy for me to say goodbye.

Well, have a safe trip.

Thank you.

But I want you all to know that every morning, when I rise,

I will turn and face west, toward America, my adopted home,

and to you, my dear, dear friends who have taken me to your bosom

and treated me as if I were...

Oh, for God's sake. Dorothy didn't take this long leaving Oz.

Now click your heels together three times and get the hell out of here.

Psst. Brian, when will we reach Boston?

Oh, Antonio, relax. We'll be on the ground in 25 minutes.

And besides, your flight to Italy doesn't leave for hours.

Whereabouts in Italy are you going?

Uh, Southern Italy, Ravello.

Mmm, the Amalfi Drive. I've been there. It's gorgeous.

I know. I'm going home to visit my family, for a month.

A month? In Southern Italy? You lucky dog.

Well, you're really gonna be sitting in butter, aren't you?

Uh, Antonio, would you step up here for a second, please?

Don't be alarmed, but I think that guy is the bank robber.

Oh, my God.

Of course! It makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

He'd have to get off the island somehow.

If we can only be sure.

Oh, we don't have to be sure. Me, I can live with the mystery.

Yeah, but I can't. Now, look, don't panic,

but I need you to fly the plane for a minute.

What?

No, no, no, I've just got to go back there and check his shoes.

They're the only thing I got a good look at.

But, I--I don't know how to... Relax, relax!

Relax, just take the controls and keep her nose up.

Nose? What nose? Where is the nose?

Brian, please. Help. Please, God.

Student pilot. Top of his class.

Just checking to see, uh, that all personal belongings are stowed under the seat.

FAA regulations.

Oh, my.

My, what lovely wingtips.

Yeah. Can't go wrong with those, can you?

Timeless styling, durable,

shoes that, that really make a statement.

Shoes that say, "I know who I am

"and I am not afraid to shoot you."

I know who you are, wise guy. You're that guard from the bank. Move.

You think you can get away with this?

I've already called the authorities at Logan, you know.

You did? When?

It doesn't matter because we're gonna land in a field way out in the boondocks.

Then I'll smash your radio, wreck the engine,

take care of you two and be on my way.

Don't go to any trouble. We can take care of ourselves.

Shut up.

Yesterday, a bank guard, today, a pilot.

What's the matter, buddy, can't you hold a job?

No thanks to you, pal.

(SCOFFS)

What a loser.

In fact, now that you mention it,

I've pretty much been a failure at everything I've ever done.

Went to Princeton, bailed out of that before I even got started.

Went to NASA, washed out of that too.

I've been like this my entire life.

I've been an embarrassment to my brother,

let down all my friends, just made a mess of everything.

I'm--I'm worthless. Yeah, yeah, cry me a river.

You know something? I'm through crying.

'Cause there's one thing I can do.

One desperate act that'll make up for all my failures.

I can stop you from getting away with this

and end two miserable lives in the process.

(PLANE ENGINE ROARING)

What're you doing?

I'm leaving this lousy world and taking you with me.

Couldn't you just drop me off first?

Are you crazy? Pull out of it.

Oh, you want to shoot me, buddy? Go ahead. Shoot me.

Brian, we're at 1,000 feet.

You're bluffing. Hey, come on. What're you waiting for, man?

Shoot me. In fact, you'd be doing me a favor.

800.

Yeah, I'll already be dead when we hit the water,

and so I won't have to hear you screaming. 600.

You're out of your mind. You're nuts!

That's right. That's right. I'm nuttier than a bowl of Bridge Mix.

Brian, 400 feet. Pull up. Pull up.

Here, look, here. Take the gun, take that.

Just, please, don't kill us!

Okay, hairball, kiss the floor.

(SCREAMING)

It looks like I'm going to make my plane after all.

Yeah, actually, Antonio, we've got to turn back,

give this guy to the Nantucket Police.

I'd prefer you give him to the Boston Police.

Nantucket Police have jurisdiction.

I have a gun. Boston it is.

Oh, come on, Joe. Don't be so bitter.

Why not? There's no justice in this world.

Brian gets a big reward from the bank, pays back the IRS

and has $2500 left over.

I, on the other hand, lose my tickets to opening day at Fenway Park,

and have to replace the windshield in the plane

'cause Antonio has an itchy trigger finger.

Well, at least Brian is following your advice.

He went down to the bank and started a savings account with that money.

(MOTORCYCLE REVVING)

Well, what do you think, huh?

That $2500 was just enough for a down payment,

and these bitchin' leathers.

Hey, how about a little spin on the tarmac, sweet cakes?

Sure.

Want to know the best part?

I'm going to opening day at Fenway.

What?

Yeah, the cops found these two tickets

on that bank robber and they gave them to me.

Want to go?

Yeah. You bet.

Hasta la vista, baby.

Joe, would you get me a soda out of there?

(THUDDING)

LOWELL: Doesn't it hurt when you do it with your head?