Original subtitles

Apparently she's busy tonight, but, uh,

on the plus side, that's the most physical contact I've had in a month.

Don't feel bad. I haven't had a date in forever.

You know, none of us have.

It's been six months since I've been on a date.

And that was with a total moron.

Oh, stop counting, Joe. It wasn't you.

When I dated you, I was the moron.

Personally, I haven't had any female companionship

since Bunny left.

Actually, a couple of months before she left.

Hey, come to think of it, how old is my youngest child?

What a bunch of losers.

As far as I'm concerned, chicks are like buses.

You miss one, another one will come along before you know it.

Your dates are very much like buses, Roy.

They're loud, they belch smoke

and can be picked up pretty much on any street corner.

Well, when my social life was in a slump, I used to go down to the Whaling Museum.

Well, I haven't hated myself yet today. I'll ask.

Why, Fay?

Well, it's simple. I'd find myself a seat,

take out my knitting, and sooner or later

some fascinating man would come over and ask what I was making.

Uh, usually, it was just a little sweater for my wiener dog.

Except for that one time I got distracted

and made that pair of gloves with the extra finger.

Well, as--as it happens, a roll of Lifesavers fit in there perfectly but

for some reason, whenever I wore them, people seemed to get offended.

What's scary is that she looks so normal.

You know, I was just thinking, since we're all dateless,

why don't you guys rent a movie and I'll make us dinner.

You know, at least it'll be something to do.

All righty. Sure. Okay.

Antonio, you're invited, too.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't. I just made a date.

Great. Well, some other time.

But, just so you know, I also have a date tomorrow night and the next.

You're kidding. How did you manage that?

I joined The Romance Connection.

And now, for only $149.95, plus tax,

I too, live in a social whirlwind of fun filled days and romantic nights.

You mean that video dating place?

It's a haven of the truly desperate.

Maybe, but who's sitting home with a rented movie

and who's out pumping up the jam?

Well, it still sounds like a meat market to me.

No, you just fill out the questionnaire,

uh, make a video, look at the other members' tapes.

I've been picked five times.

I think it's the accent.

How tough are the questions?

They asked me, uh, "What are your interests?"

"Describe your ideal date."

"Do you really think that shirt goes with those pants?"

That kind of thing.

Antonio, you being new here,

I can understand the attraction. But, uh, for people like us,

people who've been around for a while, there's just... There's no way.

I mean, no way in the world.

My name is Helen Chapel.

I've lived on Nantucket all my life.

I'm a pilot for Sandpiper Air.

Huh?

Oh, my ideal date? Well, let's see.

She'd have to be smart.

Sexy. Sexy.

I mean, I know it's, uh, it's gallant to say

that looks don't count, but I mean, who are we kidding?

Well, it would have to be with a woman.

I think I was pretty clear about that on the questionnaire.

INTERVIEWER: What kind of personality are you attracted to?

Shy, retiring,

uh, busty.

INTERVIEWER: When they film your life story who's going to play you?

Franchot Tone.

Goldie Hawn.

LeVar Burton.

INTERVIEWER: Are you a risk taker?

Risk taker?

Well, I'm a pilot and in my line of work I try to avoid risk,

but on the other hand life requires a certain amount of spontaneity,

so I suppose, in a carefully controlled environment risk is okay

to a certain extent.

Libra.

Capricorn.

Pisces.

Sign? What sign?

INTERVIEWER: What would you consider to be your most negative quality?

Hmm.

Well, people say that, uh, I laugh like a chipmunk.

(SQUEAKY LAUGH)

But I don't think so.

Give--give me a second. Give me a second.

My most negative quality?

Well, some people think that I'm a control freak.

But I think that... No, I don't like that take either.

We're gonna have to do it again.

I would say that,

uh, I spend a little too much time at the gym.

INTERVIEWER: When is it okay to lie?

When you can't remember the truth?

It's never okay to lie.

...unless, to tell the truth would be really hurting another person.

I guess at the end of the day, when you're tired, you know.

Sexiest body part? Buns.

Eyes.

Hey don't-- don't look at me that way.

You asked.

Chest hair.

Oh, you mean on a woman?

Uh, I'm gonna stay with my answer.

Fine. Okay, 8:00 tonight.

See you then. Ow.

Yeah, I did it.

Made a date with my dream girl,

the lovely and talented Barbara 242.

Well, good for you. I picked Monica 187.

You know, I thought it was kind of rude

for them to have the women put their weight after their names.

But, as long as she's tall enough,

I think I'm gonna be okay with Sharon 325.

W-What about you, Helen? Did you find somebody interesting?

I think so. Jeffrey 16.

Uh, oh.

Sixteen's a pretty low number.

Sounds like old Jeff's been sitting on the shelf for a while, huh?

Uh, so you all got dates for Saturday night? Yeah. That's right.

I know something you could do that might be fun.

Oh, now, now, just--just a, uh, just a second there, Fay.

It, uh, sounds like you're gonna tell another story.

Just, uh, go ahead.

Well, anyway b-back in my stewardess days,

whenever we girls all had a date on the same night,

we each threw $25 into a hat

and then, at the end of the evening, we'd all get together

and whoever had the worst date would collect all the money.

Uh, I had a bad streak in the early '60s

and earned enough to buy a snowmobile.

Well, what the heck. That way, uh,

if one of us has a rotten date,

at least the evening's not a total loss.

We can meet at The Club Car around midnight and compare notes.

Okay, great. Okay, that may be a little early.

I mean if things go really well,

I might not be able to get there by midnight.

Yeah. We've heard your snappy repartee.

Just make sure you get us a good table.

Well, it's after midnight. Do you think we should wait on Brian?

Uh-uh, not when there's money to be won. I want to hear some stories.

Well, get out your wallets, boys, 'cause my date was easily the worst.

Yeah? Where did he take you?

Here.

In fact, I'm still on my date.

So, anyway, I-I'm originally from Texas, you know.

My family moved here when I was 10.

You know, I'll never forget my first day at school.

I was very embarrassed.

Some water, please.

Hold that thought.

Oh, I'll be back to get your dessert order in a jiff.

Now, you were saying?

Jeff, why don't we just do this another time?

You know, when you have a night off.

Well, this is my night off.

Like I said, one of the other guys got sick and I just had to fill in.

But this'll work out. Now go ahead with your story.

Really. It--it's fascinating.

Um, okay, well, like I said, you know, it was my first day at school

and my teacher took me up to the front of the class.

She made me stand there by myself and said, "Okay tell us about yourself."

Well, you know, me, with an accent... Oh, dear.

Oh, I know you can imagine how humiliated I must have felt.

No, no, I just remembered, table eight needs more coffee.

Oh, but don't stop. This is a great story.

Go on, Helen. I'm listening.

Go ahead.

Well, uh, you know, there I was standing there

in the front of the classroom, all by myself,

my little knees knocking together.

Oh, it was my worst nightmare. Uh-huh.

You know, I began to "ain't" and "cain't" and "y'all" all over the place.

You know, those people began to look at me

like I had dropped out of Mars.

Oh, just finish your vegetables.

Uh, I'm listening.

Jeffrey.

Oh, Helen, I'm having a great time,

but look I'm falling a little behind here.

Uh, these people are waiting on salads

and I've got to pick up an order in the kitchen, so...

I know, so let's just do this another night, okay?

No, could you pour some decaf on table four?

It went on like that all night.

You're making this up. You're making this up to win the bet.

Helen, table nine is not going to clear itself.

Okay, Lowell, it's your turn.

You couldn't have had a worse date than mine.

Well, Sharon's a pretty classy lady.

So I wanted to treat her to an evening that your average guy wouldn't even think of.

Whoa!

Lowell, stop!

Lowell, I'm going to get sick!

Me, too. Is this great or what?

Lowell.

Wow, funny, I thought you'd enjoy that.

Well, I might have if my head weren't still throbbing

from when you ran me into that door jamb.

Oh, right. Sorry.

But on the bright side, your hair just about covers that knot on your forehead.

Now let's see, what's next? I showed you Roy's planes, the runway,

the ticket counter... I know, my tools.

Uh, Lowell, stop. Just slow down.

Oh, right. Kind of getting ahead of myself.

Tools are more of a second date activity.

You know Lowell, we've been here almost two hours and

you've been so busy rushing around showing me all this machinery

that we've hardly had a chance to talk like normal people.

Can't we just talk?

Well, I'm afraid if I start talking about myself

you won't find me interesting anymore.

You've got nothing to lose, Lowell.

I--I mean...

I mean, this can't be what you do on all your dates.

Well, I have a confession, Sharon.

I haven't been out on all that many dates.

Do you mean since your separation?

No, ever.

Bunny was my first date, and I married her.

After her came, let's see, it was...

(MUMBLING)

You.

That explains a lot.

Come here, Lowell. Let's sit down for a second.

You were married.

What did you and your wife talk about?

Nah, you don't want to hear about that.

No, sure I do.

Well, you know, Bunny and I had our problems, but, uh,

you know, one thing we could always talk about was our kids.

I remember when Lowell Junior was born.

It's an easy day to remember.

It's his birthday.

I was sitting there in the fathers' waiting room when the nurse

brought out the most beautiful child in the world.

Boy, looked just like a little angel.

He was just so perfect, his little face.

Then she brought out my son.

But I learned to love him.

Aw, I'm probably boring you with all this stuff.

No, no, Lowell. This is, this is nice.

For the first time this evening I feel like I'm getting to know you.

But, unfortunately it's practically midnight

and I've got an early morning. So...

So, uh, can we maybe see each other again sometime?

Okay.

But next time, let's start with the talking and work our way up to the forklift.

Okay.

Well, you're not going to win the bet with that date, Lowell.

Just my luck.

I go out on a date, the girl likes me, I end up having a great time.

Darn!

Well, looks like Brian is going to miss the winning story

because I had, without a doubt,

the weirdest evening of my entire life.

JOE: On her tape, Monica seemed like a perfectly normal attractive woman.

The problems started when I went to pick her up

and she insisted on bringing along a friend.

Come on, Monica, you've got to talk sooner or later.

It won't do you any good. She's not going to talk. She never does.

But you talked on the dating video. Why not tonight?

It took her months to get up the courage to make that tape.

Trust me, the chick's a loser.

Monica, this was mildly amusing for the first three hours.

But enough is enough.

The people at the restaurant thought we were crazy.

Come on, Joe.

Take her home, so you and I can go party!

I am not talking to you!

You were looking right at me.

Yeah, well, that was a mistake.

Now, would you just be quiet and mind your own business?

Are you trying to hurt my feelings?

You don't have any feelings! You're a puppet! You're made of wood!

Will you just shut up!

What am I saying?

Monica, please, make her shut up!

(PUPPET CRYING)

I was only trying to help.

Come on, Trixie.

Trixie, don't cry. I'm sorry.

No, you're not. Yes, I am.

Really, you have no idea how sorry I am.

Then I forgive you.

Thank you. Now, if it's okay, I'm just going to take both of you home.

Good idea. Miss Tersonality over there will be asleep in 20 minutes.

Drive around for a while, then come back for me.

No, thanks.

Oh, and by the way, you just said "tersonality." It's "personality" with "P."

You're not even very good at this.

Trixie, take your hand off my thigh.

Gentlemen, we have a winner!

Hand it over, guys.

Stop!

That money is mine!

You're soaking wet!

Brian, what happened? Oh, I've never had anything like this happen to me,

in my life.

Barbara 242 turned out to be a living, breathing, harpy from hell.

She's some sort of stock broker.

Every ten minutes her beeper went off

and we spent the whole night tracking down every pay phone on the island.

Come on, let's go, Hoss. I've got business to take care of.

Hold your water. I'll be done in a minute.

Can--can--can we please maybe find another phone?

And while we're doing that, the Nikkei Index could be diving like a Kamikaze.

I've got to find out how the yen is doing.

Come on! Baby Huey! You can order your steroids some other time.

Barb, babe, lighten up.

This guy does not look opposed to taking a life. Oh, get real.

He's just a Neanderthal with an overactive pituitary!

Let's go, Conan! Give it up.

What's the problem?

No problem. Yes, there is.

I have a beeper to answer and every minute you're on that phone

could be costing me money. Like I care.

Oh come on, Blondie. Why don't you just jump on your scooter

and go look for your neck?

You'd better shut her up.

Hey, good luck on that one, pal.

I've been trying all night.

Just do it.

So, you're just going to let him push us around? What kind of man are you?

Let me put it to you this way. I'm not half the man you are.

(BEEPING) I need a phone!

Yeah, I think we both know what you need.

Then what am I doing here with you?

Oh! It's okay.

It's okay.

See, there's-- there's not a mark on it.

Big mistake.

You're telling me, boy. I never should have gone out with her.

So you're gonna repaint my bike or what?

What, me? No, no, no, she's the one who kicked the bike while I was nowhere near it.

Okay, now, if you're thinking of hurting someone, I could just

give you her beeper number.

That's very funny.

That's very clever.

See, 'cause I didn't figure you to be a clever guy,

but I've got to hand it to you. You are one clever guy.

Well, actually you're practically three clever guys.

Hope you know how to swim.

Joke over. Okay, let's just talk about this.

(CREAKING) I know, there's no, you're not gonna turn that on.

Okay, I was wrong. I can admit that.

Now, can't we just talk about this?

Talk? If I were you, save your breath.

In about five minutes you're gonna need it.

Hello, 911?

Yes, I think I'm a potential drowning victim.

Well, I'm convinced.

No argument here. Brian wins, hands down.

Hey--hey, wait a minute. He just got a little wet.

I got groped by a wooden midget.

Hey, come on, you broke up with Helen six months ago.

That's it. I changed my vote. Joe wins.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Come on, let's get out of here before I have to wash dishes.

Hey, uh, Brian, I've got to ask you something. What?

Couldn't you tell how annoying Barbara was from her video?

Well, she looked so good I didn't want to spoil it, so I turned the sound off.

I wish I could have done that tonight.

Lowell was nice enough, just a little odd.

Well, Brian was a toad. Really?

A real pantywaist.

(BEEPING)

Oh, I'll be right back.

Hey, Jumping' Jack Flash!

Two more of the same. Only this time, spill a little into the glass!

I still can't believe what happened.

She just walked out without even saying goodbye.

I guess what they say is true,

you should never date people you work with.

TRIXIE: Don't waste your time talking to her, she's a dummy.

Excuse me. Did your handbag just say something?