Original subtitles

Say, uh, do you mind if I, uh, ride shotgun for a while?

No. Go right ahead. Take a seat. Thank you.

(WHISTLING)

Excuse me, but, uh, are you, uh...

Yeah, I am.

So you--you really are Oliver North?

To the best of my recollection, yes.

Well, what are you doing flying over to Nantucket?

Oh, I--I just wrote a book

and we're going over to do a book signing. It's part of the promotion.

Yeah, I heard all about that. I've been meaning to buy a copy but I just never...

Boy, if only I had a copy of the book right here

you could autograph it for me but I...

Hold on a sec. I've got a copy of it right here.

How shall I make this out?

Oh, you know, just make it out to, uh, to Brian,

a great friend and a heck of a pilot.

Okay. There you go. Hey, thank you.

That's all right.

Say, uh...

just between you and me,

uh, did it ever occur to you

that what you did might be considered illegal?

I wouldn't have done it if I thought it was illegal.

Uh, I believed that then and I believe it now.

Actually, I meant lifting that pen from the Ritz-Carlton in Boston.

Oh, uh...

I have absolutely no recollection of where that pen came from.

You're good.

He's good, isn't he?

Hey, everybody. Make way for the new Helen Chapel.

No. What happened to the old one?

Looks like somebody wrapped her up inside a box of shortcake.

What is with that jacket?

I just made my first official sale as agent for Bonnie Doon Real Estate.

(ALL CHEERING)

It took me four months.

But I finally earned the right to wear the Bonnie Doon blazer.

Good for you.

You know, I'm really happy. I am so proud of myself.

I just feel like I could sell anything.

You know everybody in the firm tried to sell the Duffy place,

but I'm the one who did it.

Oh, uh, are the Duffys finally moving? Good.

Every time I ride my bike past there,

that Mr. Duffy sits on his porch and shouts out the crudest things.

That sweet old man? You're kidding.

Oh, no. Sometimes I have to ride by two or three times

to make sure I've heard him right.

Miss Chapel?

Mr. MacDougal! Uh, this is a surprise.

Everyone, this is, um,

the owner of Bonnie Doon Realty, Mr. Liam MacDougal.

Mmm-hmm. Miss Chapel, we have a problem.

Well, it's your own fault.

You could have avoided this with a simple phone call to see what she was wearing.

It's about the Duffy house.

Yes? Now is it true that you promised the buyers

that the antique chandelier in the foyer came with the house?

Shouldn't I have?

Miss Chapel, that chandelier is worth $50,000.

It's been in the Duffy family for five generations.

(SIGHING)

Well, do you think they might be tired of it?

Now, thanks to your incompetence,

I may end up losing my license.

I'm afraid you're no longer fit to wear

the red, the green, the black, the blue,

the yellow, the orange and the gold.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Helen.

Helen, are you all right? I cannot believe he did that to you.

It's okay. I was prepared.

They showed us one of those in the orientation film.

Hey, guys.

Uh, Helen, a word of advice: Never yank a loose thread.

Go easy on her. She just got fired.

Oh, sorry. Sorry, kid.

It's okay. I was never cut out to be in real estate,

just like I was never cut out to play the cello or do anything else in life

except run this stupid lunch counter.

Helen, if I may make a suggestion.

Perhaps you should consider taking a career placement test.

A placement test? Yeah, it's a great idea.

They ask you a bunch of questions and try to get a sense of who you are

and then they help you find a career that suits you.

My friend could send us one.

He works for a career placement agency in Boston.

I ain't got nothing to lose. Sure.

I'll see if he can send us one.

Uh, Roy, can I give him your fax number?

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Boy, I tell you I rue the day I bought that thing.

Why? Because people always want to use it?

No. It's that jerk up at the airport in Providence, Harvey Millbank.

He thinks it's a scream to fax me photocopies of his butt.

Modern technology.

One minute a butt goes into a machine in Providence.

The next, it's flying through the air

and coming out a machine in Nantucket.

It's hard to believe the Vikings survived

just sending little drawings of their butts back and forth in bottles.

Okay, Helen, it's all arranged.

Once you fill out the test

they will be able to give you at least two different career suggestions.

Great. Uh, uh, Roy, before I forget,

there was a--a fax in the machine for you.

Looks like a big number three.

Have you guys seen Antonio?

No, not yet.

He said the results from my career test were coming in this morning.

Can't wait to see 'em.

I really think this may lead to something.

You know, this morning my eyes popped open at 5:00 a.m.

My hands were shaking, my heart starting beating fast.

You ever felt like that?

Uh, yes. One night I was watching television

and I thought I was eating M and M's.

Turns out I was popping thyroid pills.

Yes, well, if you see him you know where I'll be.

Right over here at this stinking greasy lunch counter,

making the same old deep-fried, fat-filled, cholesterol-laden slop.

Would you care to hear today's specials?

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(SHUSHING) Oh, Antonio, Helen was just looking...

We must talk in private.

Excuse me. Has anyone heard of knocking?

I'll just try using a higher octane. It'll go away.

I have the results of Helen's test.

But I don't know how to break them to her.

Antonio, Helen bombed out with the cello.

She can't stand the lunch counter. I'm sure she'll be happy

with any suggestions they make.

They suggest a career in music or food service.

You know, this is not a problem here.

We just change the results.

You can't do that. Why not?

Because it's dishonest.

Now, you're with me on this, aren't you, Fay?

Well, you know, sometimes it's okay to be dishonest.

Uh, I mean for example, let's say you were going out on a big date

and you asked me if I liked that tie.

Even if I didn't like it, I might say,

"Yes, it's very nice", because, as a friend,

I would think that's what you needed to hear.

Yeah, I guess, in this case you're right.

So do you like my tie?

Yes. It's very nice.

Okay, so we're all agreed on this?

No, no. I--I have to be honest.

I'm not crazy about the tie.

No, I'm talking about changing the letter.

Now, uh, now, think. What career should we recommend?

Huh? Now, it should be something that Helen really likes.

When she was in school, was there-- was there anything

she was especially interested in?

Tastykakes.

No, no, no. Now, what about law? Huh?

When she was in college, didn't she take some law courses?

Well, yeah, but... Well, fine, fine, fine. It's settled then.

Okay, so, Fay, just changes the letter

so it reads, uh, "After careful consideration, blah, blah, blah,

"we recommend a career in law." Okay?

And then we just add a second choice, uh...

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

HELEN: Joe?

Hurry, Fay, quick. J-Just a second, Helen.

(PLANE ENGINE WHIRRING)

HELEN: What was going on in there?

Uh, we're dressing.

Well, it's the first thing I thought of. I'm not very good under pressure.

Fay, hurry up. Are you done yet?

Um, what shall I put for the second career?

Well, anything. It doesn't matter. Just hurry.

Be right there, Helen.

Hey, Helen.

What's going on in here?

Oh, well, uh, we're just standing around comparing appendix scars.

Helen, I have the results of your test. Great!

Wow! I can't believe this!

This is so interesting. What is?

Oh, hey, would you look at this?

It says she should be a lawyer. Isn't that exciting?

Oh, yeah, that. But it's this other one that's the real interesting one.

Look at this.

Stand-up comedian.

Stand-up comedian?

That's the last thing in the world I thought she'd be interested in.

You know, I never would have thought of it either.

But in a weird sort of way this makes sense.

Now I've always been drawn to performing

and I do have a pretty good sense of humor.

Let's face it, this is very scientific.

They don't just pick these things out of thin air.

Yeah, but it also says you should be a lawyer.

A lawyer? Boring.

This is something I can really have fun with.

As a matter of fact, I'm gonna go home and start working up an act.

But, Helen... What, Joe?

Isn't this a little rash?

Looks more like a little birthmark to me.

I love this!

I am funny.

Hey, guys,

look what is posted on every telephone pole in town.

"Making her comedy debut this Friday night

"at The Club Car, Miss Helen Chapel."

And I thought my nights of enjoying first-class entertainment died

when they outlawed dwarf tossing.

Oh, man, I can't believe this.

I thought this whole comedy thing would blow over. Yeah, me, too.

She must believe she's actually funny.

Have you heard the jokes she's been making all morning?

We can't let her do that in public.

We've got to tell her what we did.

Hey. Did you hear the one about the dumb blonde?

I did, but I don't understand it.

Oh, God, here comes Shecky Chapel now.

Hi. Oh, I see you found my flyer. Isn't it exciting?

Yeah. Uh, Helen, can you sit down for just one second?

Brian has something he wants to tell you.

Sure, Brian.

What is it, a joke?

I knew this would happen once I got started.

Everybody thinks they can be a comedian.

Well, uh, actually it's about your career test.

You see, when we, uh, when we got the results we kind of,

uh, well, changed them, didn't we, Joe?

Uh, yeah. You see,

they recommended a career in either food service or music.

So we tried to, sort of, push you toward a career that you'd like better,

namely law. Only that's not the one you picked.

You picked the one we just threw in there to finish the form.

So you're saying you don't think I should be a comedian?

Well, no, Joe doesn't.

And, uh...

I guess, neither do I.

JOE: It's better to hear it from your friends

than from an audience full of strangers.

BRIAN: Right.

Thank God I have you two guys.

First you're there to protect me from the bad news.

Then you're there to tell me which career I should have.

Now, when I've picked one that I can get excited about,

you tell me I'm not good enough.

Well, excuse me.

But I think you two are the last two people in the world

that should be advising anybody on their career.

You, Mr. Washout- At-Everything- You've-Ever-Tried.

And you, Mr. One Horse Airline.

You know something? You're nothing but a bus driver in the sky.

(LAUGHS)

Now, that's funny.

So don't tell me I'm not funny, 'cause I'm funny.

I'm damned funny. I'm hysterical.

Enjoy your eggs.

Joke's on her. We ordered pancakes.

Okay, Lowell, I just want you to sit there

and listen to my act like you don't even know me.

I just want to get a feel for how things are gonna be Friday night at the club.

Okay, Helen. Let her rip. Okay.

Hi, I'm Helen. Get off the stage, you bum!

You're not funny.

My grandmother's funnier than you are.

Lowell.

The Club Car's known for its hecklers, Helen.

I just want you to be prepared.

I just want you to sit there and tell me what's funny and isn't.

Oh. Okay.

And by the way, my grandmother's not really funnier than you are.

Although she gets a nice laugh at Thanksgiving

when she pulls out her glass eye and hides it in the olive dish.

Hi, everybody. My name is Helen Chapel.

And I'm a stand-up comedian.

Oh, very funny, sir. I'm standing up already.

Boy, I tell you, it's not easy being short.

I mean, people are always patting you on the head.

I've been patted more times on the head than Rin Tin Tin.

You get tired of hearing the same old things, over and over, like,

"How's the weather down there?"

and, "Hey, speed bump."

Hey, you don't even like, "Hey, speed bump?"

I'm sorry, Helen. I've never really liked jokes about road safety devices.

I liked it, Helen.

What are you doing here?

Or did you just come here to laugh at how bad I am?

'Cause let me tell you something, Mister. You can stuff that,

'cause the last thing I need in the world is someone laughing at me.

Well, in that case, I'll be getting back to work.

I'm dropping a new engine in Joe's plane.

Say, do either of you know how many mechanics it takes

to drop a new engine in Joe's plane?

Uh, no, Lowell. How many? Two.

But Joe says I'm lucky to have a job.

Look, Helen, listen, listen, listen. I--I just...

I--I came to apologize to you.

It's okay.

No, no, really. And--And--And if this...

If this stand-up comic thing makes you happy, then I--I say go for it.

I don't know, Brian. What is it? Something's wrong.

Is it my material, or my approach, or my delivery?

Yes.

L-L-Look, maybe, you're just coming from the wrong angle.

Oh, come on. let's face it.

The only thing I'm good at is picking bad careers.

Well, let us... Okay--Okay, so--so let that be your angle. Okay?

'Cause failure is a classic source

for comedy. And--And don't stop at your career.

Uh, think about it, think about it.

You used to be really fat, okay,

your boyfriend dumped you. Uh, your music career is

basically a joke, right? What else? What else?

That's plenty, Brian. No, now, I'm telling you. This is a very rich area.

Talk about... Talk about the pain in your life. Pain is funny.

You really think so?

(METALLIC CLANGING)

(LOWELL GROANING)

Need I say more?

Now--now, what you need now is a-- is a-- like a gimmick.

You know, a trademark or something.

Like, George Burns has his cigar, right?

Jack Benny had his violin.

Oh, in fact, look. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...

My cello? I mean, why not?

Here, all right, watch.

(SCATTING)

Uh, good evening, ladies and jellyfish.

My name is Helen Chapel and this is my cello...

Chelsea. Chelsea?

You know, whatever, whatever. I'm telling you it's a great gimmick.

Maybe there is something funny about me playing the cello.

At least everyone I ever auditioned for seemed to think so.

That's good. That's good.

I bet you've got a million cello stories.

Like, when my mom first took me to music school. Uh-huh.

I walked in with my cello and my teacher said,

"Now, are you going to have the energy to drag that big heavy thing

"in and out of here every Saturday?"

I said, "Yes, ma'am." And she said, "I was talking to your mommy."

(LAUGHING)

I'm telling you this is-- this is pure comedy gold.

Really, really. Just--just play around with it a little bit.

See what comes out.

Okay, I will. Thanks, Brian.

Now all I have to do is go home

and dredge up all the pain, misery and frustration

I've been repressing for the past 20 years.

Oh, that was a good one.

...so, uh, the first cannibal says,

"Hey can I give you a hand?"

And the second cannibal says, "Thanks I already ate."

(PEOPLE SIGHING)

Hello. Is this thing on?

Yeah. How about unplugging it?

Now, Roy, that isn't very nice. Oh, come on. He stinks.

Let's have a nice round of applause for Tommy Morocco, ladies and gentlemen.

Tommy Morocco.

Well, let's all take a moment to catch our breath

and then we'll bring out our next comedian.

So, Helen, it's almost your turn. Are you feeling okay?

Yeah, why?

No dry mouth, lightheadedness,

intense abdominal pain?

Lowell, Lowell, Helen has nothing to be nervous about.

Oh, actually we both had the chicken.

I was just wondering if it was affecting her, too.

Uh, you know, Helen, if you're feeling at all nervous

you can do what I did when I spoke to the Ladies' Literary Society.

I just took five deep breaths

and one little shot of Peppermint schnapps.

Or was it one deep breath and five...

That might explain why I couldn't say Balzac without giggling.

Hey, don't worry, Fay.

There's been a steady stream of stiffs up there.

See, what they don't have, and I do have, is a gimmick.

Well, we are ready for our next funny man, folks.

So, let's put our hands together

and give a nice Komedy Korner welcome to Mr. Jim Tavare.

Oh, my God.

Thank you. Good evening. My name is Jim. This is Basie.

I'm gonna play you music spanning several centuries.

I hope you've got the time.

(ALL LAUGHING)

First of all Basie would like to do one or two of her favorite impressions.

Beginning with "Man Sawing Wooden Leg Off."

(CREAKING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Good news, Helen. This crowd does seem to enjoy jokes about stringed instruments.

Basie and me are very, very close.

But the other day I found her reading this filth.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Boy, this guy is a riot.

You know, if you like that sort of thing,

which I do.

I was classically trained.

And to justify that now I give you a piece I learned at Academy,

Beethoven's Suite Number 25.

Room service.

(ALL LAUGHING)

With that I bid you good night. Thank you.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

(PEOPLE WHOOPING)

EMCEE: Mr. Jim Tavare, folks.

What a funny and completely original act.

And what a way to end the evening, huh? Very nice.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry...

We do have one comic left. Ladies and gentlemen, Helen Chapel.

Is Helen Chapel here tonight?

Come on, Helen. You've got to come out of there.

HELEN: I'm not coming out till everybody's gone.

Do your act. That'll clear the room.