Original subtitles

Oh, Helen, thanks again for your help at the auction last night.

Nantucket Memorial Hospital raised over $15,000.

Great. That'll pay for the equipment they need in the children's wing.

And, boy, do they need it. That candy machine must be 30 years old.

You know, Roy, I find it hard to believe

that you actually visit children in the hospital.

I don't. It's across the street from the movie theater.

I can park there for free.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, uh, Joe, I can't thank you enough for donating that round-trip ticket.

Oh, someone actually bid on that, huh?

Oh, yes, Carlton Blanchard.

Blanchard, Blanch... Oh, oh.

Uh, Old Man Blanchard from down at the music store. I thought he was dead.

No you're thinking of Old Man Perkins.

Carlton Blanchard used to run the Main Street lumberyard.

HELEN: Yeah, don't you remember?

Blanchard was the one who used to come to school on career day

and talk about the wonderful world of wood.

Perkins is the guy who used to come to school every day

for no apparent reason.

Oh, uh, Joe, I haven't told you the best part.

Mr. Blanchard paid $10,000 for the ticket.

$10,000?

You're kidding. I was hoping for maybe, like, two-three hundred.

How much did my contribution bring in?

Oh, please. You donated a ratty, old sofa bed.

It cost us 50 bucks to have it hauled away.

Oh, uh, Helen, that was really sweet of you to bid on my needlework.

Oh, don't mention it, Fay.

I've always wanted a crocheted toilet paper cover.

Uh, it's a hat.

Oh, yeah. What was I thinking?

It's a hat. A little hat.

And my toilet paper's wearing it right now.

Joe, Brian,

here's the man who donated all that money to fly with us,

Carlton Blanchard. Oh, my God. It--It's the wood guy!

You--You showed us how soft pine is by hammering nails

into it with your forehead.

I don't remember that.

$10,000 is very generous of you.

Practically my life savings.

Your life savings? Why would you want to...

Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.

So, uh, Mr. Blanchard, where are you flying?

Boston? Hyannis? Las Cruces, New Mexico.

What?

Las Cruces, New Mexico.

I'm not sure you understand.

We're a local airline. We don't fly there.

Well, according to this coupon they gave me,

"Sandpiper," that's you,

"will fly the bearer," that's me,

"anywhere."

Actually it says "anywhere Sandpiper flies."

Actually it doesn't.

Say, what do you suppose they do with those little pieces of metal

they punch out when they make a flute?

Uh, well, here's the problem.

You see, the, uh, the printer, obviously made a mistake.

Well, no, no, no, no, no. That see that's-- that's what I gave 'em to print.

See I thought, "flies the bearer anywhere Sandpiper flies,"

was a little too wordy.

Don't you think?

When do we leave?

Look, look, Mr. Blanchard we made an honest mistake.

Now, I--I--I've got scheduled flights to keep.

I'll tell you what, um,

how about if we buy you a ticket on a commercial airline?

Oh, no, no. Those big jets scare me.

Actually, Mr. Blanchard, your chances of dying are much higher

in a small plane like ours.

It's practically a coffin with wings.

As--As a matter of fact, that's our new slogan.

I'm having it put on our stationery.

Well, now, look, fellows. I'm not trying to be persnickety.

If you don't want to fly me there, I'll understand.

Uh, you--you'll still donate the money to the hospital, though, won't you?

Well, it wouldn't seem fair

to pay all that money and then not get my flight,

would it now?

Look, uh, why don't you just talk amongst yourselves?

I'll be over here having a cup of coffee.

(AIRPLANE ENGINE WHIRRING)

Well, Joe, you are gonna go through with this, aren't you?

Fay, I can't. Do you have any idea how much business I'll lose?

Oh, well, you have to do it. The hospital really needs the money.

All right, all right, all right, let me think.

It's gotta be at least 2,000 miles to New Mexico.

So if you and me share the flying time, and only stop for fuel,

we'll only lose really one day of business.

Fay, how do our reservations look?

Oh, actually, we're very light tomorrow. Okay, good.

We'll take Lowell along in case we have any mechanical difficulties

and, uh, we'll leave in the morning.

All right... No, no, no, no, no. See, that's not gonna work.

Why not?

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, why don't we all just check our calendars

and then rearrange the whole damn thing to fit your schedule!

Well, could you? 'Cause if I could just squeeze in a facial

I'll be much better company on the flight.

Come on, you must have some idea.

You work here.

Sir, truly, I have no idea

how much this building weighs.

Well, see if you can answer this.

If dogs sweat through their tongues,

then what are their armpits for?

I don't know. I'll go check.

I have a cat.

Okay, Mr. Blanchard,

I'll take you to New Mexico. If it's all right with you,

we'll leave first thing in the morning. How's 8:00?

Dandy! See you then. All right.

Uh, Joe, uh, I could not help but overhear.

Please take me with you.

I've always dreamed of seeing America.

I--I--I will be no trouble. You'll hardly know I'm there.

Sure. Why not? The more the merrier.

Oh, bless you, Joe. Now, I need to order your low-sodium meal.

This should be such an exciting adventure, winging through the skies,

hopping from airport to airport.

I can't tell you how much I envy you all.

Oh, you know, Fay, there's more than enough room.

You're welcome to come along.

24 hours cooped up with The Riddler?

You must be out of your mind.

ANTONIO: And so my adventure begins.

I am keeping a journal so that I will remember

everything about this journey of a lifetime.

I am very excited.

After all, I am the first Scarpacci,

not to be traveling as cargo.

Say, Lowell, how's our course holding?

Straight and true.

Navigation's a snap with a Mikosani G-25 Space Compass.

The most precise cartographic plotting instrument money can buy.

Hmm, impressive.

Yeah. I don't think we'll have any problems with this baby in my hand.

(GROANS)

Are we there yet?

We haven't even been in the air for an hour.

Well, how much longer do you figure?

One hour? Two hours?

Try 11.

Oh, sure would have been nice to have known that

before we set out on this little journey.

So, uh, Carlton, you never did say. What's in New Mexico?

That's where my brother lives.

We had sort of a falling out.

We haven't spoken to each other for 50 years.

The longest Joe and I have managed to go is six.

But it was quality time.

You see, my father left me his antique pocket watch in his will.

Oh, a lovely instrument, cherished it since I've been in knee pants.

But my brother, Milford, snatched it away before the body was even cold.

And you really haven't spoken to him in all that time?

Well, he's kind of stubborn.

But I figure we're both getting along in years

and it's time to put an end to this foolishness. It's no way to live.

No way to live at all.

Hey, Lowell, uh, what are we flying over now?

Well, according to my calculations,

we should be right about here.

(GROANING)

Maybe before your next calculation, Lowell,

you should dip that compass in alcohol.

Well, it looks to me like we're over Lancaster County.

If that's true, we're making pretty good time.

Uh, it says here in my guidebook,

"Lancaster County is the home to the ultra-religious Amish,

"who reject modern society in favor of a quaint, old-world lifestyle.

"Because they are different,

"the Amish are often the target of scorn and ridicule.

Phrases to avoid include, "Yo, beardy,"

and "Hey, Mr. No-Buttons."

Say, that's some bridge down there.

What do you suppose that's made of?

I don't know.

Cement, maybe?

On a Sunday afternoon,

how many cars do you suppose pass over that bridge?

I don't know.

Hey, if a monkey were to bite you,

what kind of drugs would they make you take?

I don't know.

Maybe Joe knows.

You sure ask a lot of questions, don't you, Carlton?

Well, my mother always told me

there's no such thing as a stupid question.

Run that one about the monkey past her sometime.

(SNORING)

(RUMBLING)

Brian! Wake up! What's going on?

We're losing fuel and altitude!

How the hell should I know? I was asleep.

You're supposed to be flying the plane!

Oh, my God, then we're all going to die!

(PRAYING IN ITALIAN)

Mayday, mayday... No, no, forget about that, forget about that.

Just help me find a place to set her down. Okay?

Man, it's dark.

All right, well, that looks like a field down there or is it, uh, is it a lake?

I don't know. It's okay, it's okay. I see a road.

Are we there yet?

ALL: No!

(ALARM WAILING)

Okay. Get ready everybody. Assume crash positions.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

So long, "Shoeless" Joe.

Well, it's official,

I have absolutely no idea where the hell we are.

Well, the corn's as high as an elephant's eye.

I'd say we're in Iowa.

It's Oklahoma, you nimrod.

Well, I may be a nimrod,

but at least I'm not the one standing in cow pies.

Well, I couldn't find any signs of life.

Any word from Antonio?

No, not since he disappeared down that dirt road.

Hey, wouldn't it be neat if he got picked up by aliens?

This is where it happens, you know. Cornfields in Iowa.

We're not in Iowa.

Oh, right. Stinky, thinks we're in Oklahoma.

Are we on the ground?

No, we crashed and died and heaven's really disappointing.

Oh.

How's it look there, Lowell?

I hate to say this, Joe,

we're not going anywhere until we get a new fuel hose. This one's ruptured.

Damn it!

Brian, I told you to replace this fuel hose before we left.

Because of you, five people might have died.

Back off. Okay? Back off.

I took care of it. I asked Lowell to do it.

Now you're trying to shift the blame onto Lowell?

Look, there's no blame here, man.

He did the work, I saw him.

I did put in a new one, Joe.

Ah, it just ruptured.

I guess we got a bad one. It happens.

Now what?

Well, for starters, how about you apologize?

For what?

For accusing me of something that I'm not responsible for.

Well, hey, you're not responsible for anything.

So it was a pretty safe guess.

Hey, you gonna apologize to me or what? Hey, look, Brian.

If you hadn't screwed up with the printer on that coupon

we never would have been here in the first place. Just let it go.

No, I know what this is about. See,

I'm right, you're wrong! You just can't bring yourself to say that.

I'm not going to.

Well, you'd better.

Oh, what was that? A threat?

'Cause I'm really scared.

No, what--what, you think you can just push me,

right, because you're my older brother?

Oh, I'm scared. Cut it out, okay? Just act your age for a change.

Oh, Stinky. Come on. Stop. Don't touch my face, all right?

Don't hurt me. You're being a kid now.

Oh, Stinky. Stupidhead!

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

Hot dog! It must be the aliens.

Show them we're friendly.

Joe,

would you please explain to the nice man with the gun

that I am not a Libyan terrorist?

What are you doing on my property?

We had some engine trouble.

We had to make an emergency landing.

We'll pay for any damage we did to your crops.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Keep them up there, Muammar!

Look, all we need is a new fuel hose

and then we can be up in the air and out of shotgun range

in just a mere few minutes.

Do you know anywhere that sells them?

No place I know of.

But I think we could work out a little trade, might get you one.

Joe, please, whatever you do,

don't throw me in as part of the bargain.

ANTONIO: Hour 23, I have lived to see another sunrise.

In exchange for a new fuel hose,

Joe agreed to deliver chickens

(CHICKEN CLUCKING) to the farmer's sister in Missouri,

grain to his brother in Louisiana,

potatoes to his aunt in Tennessee,

and a piglet to a large man in Texas whose name, I don't recall.

After hosing out the plane, we're back on course to New Mexico.

At this point I'm very tired of writing in my journal,

but dare not stop for fear that the old man will think

I'm available to answer more questions.

I hate him.

You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that,

when we get back to Nantucket,

we should just go our separate ways, you know.

Yeah, like I haven't heard that before.

No, no, I'm serious, I'm serious, this time.

It's just not working out.

Sandpiper, living under the same roof,

we're making each other miserable. So why don't we just cut our losses?

Is that what you want? Just say goodbye...

That's exactly what I want. Fine, you've got it.

Oh, what do you know? We actually agree on something.

All right, everybody fasten your seat belts.

In about five minutes, we'll be landing in Las Cruces, New Mexico.

Why are we stopping in Las Cruces?

So you can visit your brother.

My brother?

My brother lives in Rock Springs, Wyoming.

No, your brother

lives in Las Cruces, New Mexico.

Oh.

I see where you're confused.

My brother used to live in Las Cruces,

but he moved to Rock Springs years ago.

That's it. I said I would take him to Las Cruces!

I took him there. Now I'm taking him back.

Look, maybe I said Las Cruces

when I meant to say Rock Springs.

I get confused over things now and again.

But this might be my last chance to get to see my brother

and we have come all this way.

(SIGHING)

How far is it to Rock Springs, Wyoming, Lowell?

And don't-- this time don't use the compass.

Right, Joe.

(GROANS)

Now what is it?

Paper cut.

ANTONIO: Hour 27.

I don't know how Joe is going to land the plane

on an icy runway in this blizzard,

but he has my complete and full confidence.

To my brother, Alberto, I leave my cab and my suits.

Okay, if I can just stop skidding

before we run into that propane tank,

Carlton will finally have his little reunion.

You must be pretty excited, eh, Carlton?

Eh, Carlton?

He's not moving.

Oh, God! Don't tell me.

You don't think that he's, uh...

(WIND HOWLING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

We're here, Carlton.

Las Cruces?

No, Rock Springs.

My brother lives in Las Cruces, New Mexico.

What?

Kidding. That was for waking me up.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, is that your brother standing over there?

Yeah, that's Milford all right.

Oh, the years haven't been kind to him, have they?

Guess he didn't drink from the Fountain of Youth like you did.

Well,

wish me luck, fellows.

Good luck, Carlton. Godspeed, Carlton.

LOWELL: Good luck, Carlton.

What do you think his brother will say to him after 50 years?

Look, they're just staring at each other.

Oh, this is sad.

From the same womb and they are like strangers.

All because of some silly argument over a stupid pocket watch.

Is that how we're gonna end up, Brian?

Couple of bitter old men standing out on a snowy runway

after not speaking to each other for 50 years?

Well, between your stress and my love of fried foods,

I don't think that either of us are gonna live that long.

You know, we're practically the only family we've got.

Don't rub it in.

Oh, come on, are we as stubborn as those two old goats,

or are we bigger than that?

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

You were right, I was wrong.

Shall we start fresh?

Well, in a manner of speaking,

neither of us has bathed in two days.

Hey, hey, look, they're hugging.

Oh, how this touches my heart.

Sort of makes the whole trip worth it, doesn't it?

Boy, those two, they must be deliriously happy

to be hugging so long.

No kidding. Now they're hugging on the ground.

I don't think they're hugging.

I think they're fighting.

Oh!

Carlton just hit him with a rabbit punch to the kidneys.

Hey, he's running back to the plane.

CARLTON: Well,

I said all I had to say to that son of a bitch.

What are you waiting for? Take off!

Wait, wait, wait. I--I--I don't get it.

You--you... You paid $10,000,

to fly all this way just so you could beat your brother senseless?

Hell, no. I got my daddy's watch back, too.

Wait a minute.

This isn't Daddy's watch.

And come to think of it,

Milford doesn't have red hair.

CARLTON: Maybe it was Las Cruces.