Original subtitles

Are we perhaps flying a little low?

Like I said, we're right on course.

I'm not usually so anxious when I fly.

It's just that, you know, this plane is so small.

I can feel every bump.

Well, Cessna 402 is one of the safest aircraft in the sky today.

Who told you that, the salesman?

Frasier, stop being such a baby.

If we crash and die, we crash and die.

This is a vacation, for God's sakes.

Look, maybe it's not my place to say but, uh,

if you have this much trouble and you have to fly,

you might want to get some therapy.

You know, see a psychiatrist or something.

Sky King is a psychiatrist.

Yes. Dr. Frasier Crane.

Joe Hackett.

So, uh, this your first time over on Nantucket?

Well, actually, yes. Sort of a working vacation, if you will.

I'm conducting a self-esteem seminar this weekend.

Okay.

Personally, I find the whole notion

of pop-psychology seminars to be appalling.

You've managed to reduce a complex

psychoanalytic process to six hours

with a dinner break and a slogan T-shirt.

I have to disagree, my love.

Hundreds of people have received a new lease on life through my program,

The Crane Train to Mental Well-Being, for 350 bucks.

Slogan T-shirt not included.

And so many more will be enlightened when the Crane Train video,

which is being taped this weekend, goes on sale nation-wide.

Listen, would you pay $19.95 to have your life

completely turned around for the better?

$19.95?

Well, I might rent it.

I remain opposed.

Sounds like you two could use a little vacation.

This is our first extended period

away from our two-year-old son, Frederic.

I'm afraid my thoughts are consumed by him.

Darling, why?

Our little man is resting in the warm and loving bosom

of his Danish nanny, Dagmar.

While I, on the other hand, will have your smaller, porcelain bodice

all to myself.

Eyes front, fly-boy.

Attention, boxing fans.

Tomorrow at noon in the hangar,

we're gonna be watching the world heavyweight championship fight

live from Rome.

The challenger, Vito Pelletari versus Carl, "The Widowmaker" Pickens!

So you got the giant TV?

Forty-six inch big-screen TV,

with a picture so real

that when the punches start flying you'll want to wear a cup.

Yes!

I can't wait for this fight.

Where'd you get the money for a big-screen TV?

Those things run $3,000.

No, no, no, no. You just make a small down payment,

you take the TV home,

and then you bring it back the next day.

Actually you're allowed to keep it for two days.

And when I keep it for three, they never hassle me.

Uh, excuse me, Brian, isn't that illegal?

It's only illegal if we splice into the cable without paying for it.

Well, I managed to splice into that cable, Brian.

Thank you, Lowell.

That cable TV is incredible.

It can pick up television stations from around the world.

Just the other night I was watching a documentary on the Japanese channel

about this race of giant tree trimmers.

I saw that Lowell.

It's a gardening show. Those are bonsai trees.

Who cares about the trees? The people were huge!

So, uh, who does everybody like in the fight?

Oh, I--I--I like Pelletari. 33 wins, 27 by knockout.

He's got a sneaky left and his right jab's a Gatling gun.

Oh, Fay!

I didn't know you were a boxing aficionado.

Well, my first husband fought Golden Gloves.

I was his corner man.

You actually worked in the ring?

I didn't mind the language so much, but the spitting...

Pelletari is my hero.

He and I have a lot in common. We're Italian,

we come from small villages,

and we both had hard childhoods.

Of course, in a few years, I'll still be able to finish a sentence.

Frasier, I'm going to find a phone and call home.

Darling, we've only been gone two hours.

Our little Frederic is probably still napping,

tucked in the pillow of Dagmar's bosom.

What is this recent obsession you have with large breasts?

You're an analyst. You tell me.

I'll be right back.

Will you be here or in the parking lot

ogling the headlights?

Hey, Bro!

Tomorrow in the hangar, the Pickens-Pelletari fight on big-screen TV!

Oh, you got a big-screen TV? Yeah!

What you gonna do, take it for one day and then return it?

Are the store owners the only people who don't know about this scam?

Attention, Aeromass, Flight 9,

service from Providence and New York,

now arriving at gate number 1.

Oh, I'll bet this is the group coming over for my seminar.

What kind of seminar? Low self-esteem.

Yeah, that's uh, that's my kind of flight.

You lose their luggage, they think it's their fault.

Frasier, I've just gotten off the phone with Dagmar.

Frederic is fine.

Amusing story.

The little dickens was running through the house naked.

Gee, I wonder why she doesn't do that when we're home?

I was talking about the child.

Oh! Of course you were.

Look dear, it's my group.

Ladies and gentlemen. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.

I'd like to welcome all of you who have come to board

the Crane Train to Mental Well-Being.

Woo-woo.

And as a special bonus,

this particular seminar is being taped for the home video market.

So, just be open, honest,

and try not to embarrass yourselves.

With any luck, by the end of the weekend you will all be changed,

enlightened, productive people.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, God, it's you!

Yes, you, Dr. Crane! You ruined my life.

Me?

Frasier, I didn't know you had any patients on this island.

You owe me 350 bucks, you quack!

I went to your stupid seminar in New York.

I took the Crane Train straight to hell.

There must be some mistake here.

There's obviously some mistake.

Yeah. The mistake was believing in you.

You took advantage of me.

I-I'm afraid I don't remember you.

Of course not. Her breasts are smaller than beach balls.

Well, I remember you and your stupid slogan,

"If you can see it, you can be it."

Oh, what a crock!

He says, "Live the life of a concert cellist

"and you will become a concert cellist." Well, yes, but...

Well, I did. I got an apartment that I could not afford.

I bought very nice clothes.

I bought season tickets to Lincoln Center.

And in two months, before I'd even had my first audition,

I was dead broke.

Well, there is your problem.

You should have moved up that audition.

I felt so bad about myself,

I wound up slinging suds at some strip joint.

I want my money back and I want it now!

I can't do that. If I did it for you,

I'd have to do it for hundreds. It's just policy!

Frasier, if I might make a suggestion.

I think you should invite this woman to your seminar.

What?

As a reputable clinician, you owe it to her

to try and rectify any damage you may have created.

Oh, Lilith, please.

Now, you know how I feel about these seminars.

Yes, dear, I know how you feel about everything.

That not withstanding,

if you can turn this non-believer around,

you will have proven that your psychological program

is on a slightly higher plane

than Richard Simmons' Sweatin' To The Oldies.

All right. Against my better judgment,

which has been clouded by five years of marriage,

I will invite this woman to partake, gratis, in my seminar,

if only to give you an opportunity

to listen a little more closely this time!

Fat chance. I want my money back.

I can't do that.

Well, you're gonna have to. Doctor, Helen, uh,

if I may?

I know I'm just a cab driver,

but, uh, I--I believe I have something important to say.

If anyone needs a taxi, I'm parked right outside.

You have your self-help program, I have mine.

This man ruined me. He ruined me.

WOMAN: What? All right. Let's talk about this.

All right, I don't normally do it, but in this case, I will negotiate with you.

If you come to the seminar and you're not completely satisfied, I will refund

half your money.

Full refund, if my life is not somehow better or more fulfilled by going.

Half is a very generous offer. Full.

Half. Full!

Half. Full!

Listen, sister, you can't put a price on mental health! Half, take it or leave it!

All right, I'll do it.

But for one reason. To prove to these innocent dupes

that you're nothing but a big fraud.

And then everybody's gonna want their money back.

Yes, well...

Don't be late!

ANNOUNCER ON TV: Now that we've had the introductions, the fighters are getting

their last minute instructions from the referee.

MAN: All right! Yeah!

Oh, dear Lord, I do not ask for much,

world peace,

the love of a good woman and many children,

but more important at this moment,

let Vito Pelletari knock the holy crap out of this palooka! Amen.

Boy, this big-screen TV really is something.

Huh. What will the Japanese think of next?

What makes you think the Japanese invented big-screen TV?

I don't. It was just an idle question.

I don't like the way Pickens looks.

What is it, Fay? Does he look sluggish?

Or is he carrying too much weight? What?

No, I just don't find him all that attractive.

ANNOUNCER: Pelletari and Pickens touch gloves,

return to their corners, and we're ready for the opening bell.

Brian, the glare from the skylight is making it a little hard to see.

Can you move it or something? BRIAN: No problem.

That's why I've got this baby on a motor.

I can move it anywhere I want.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Brian, it's unplugged.

JOE: Good one, Brian.

ANNOUNCER: And it's over! In only six seconds! This is unbelievable!

Pelletari, with one punch, has knocked out Carl Pickens!

We have a new world champion!

We missed it!

(ALL GROANING)

The greatest moment in Italian history since they hung Mussolini

at the gas station, and I missed it!

Oh!

That's that, man.

JOE: Hey, wait a minute. Don't they have a replay?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Well, I can't... Watch out!

(ALL SHOUTING) I can't stop it!

Great. Now we missed the replay, too.

You know, Brian. I usually consider myself pretty handy.

But, uh...

Oh, you understand.

Damn! I still want to see a fight. I want to see a fight!

I want to see some blood. I want to see some pain.

I want to see someone get their face bashed in.

Go with Brian when he tries to return this TV.

Well, if there's not going to be a fight, I guess I'll go over to that seminar,

and check it out, see how Helen's doing.

Helen and that shrink! Yeah, that could get ugly.

He looks like a bleeder and she fights dirty. Let's go.

I'd like to extend a warm welcome to all of you,

for what I believe will be a life-changing psychological epiphany.

(LAUGHING) And now...

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

All aboard!

The Crane Train To Mental Well-Being.

Now this train runs on a very simple principle.

"If you can see it,

"you can be it!"

See it! Be it!

See it! Be it!

See it! Be it! See it! Be it!

Help me people! We're leaving the station!

See it! Be it! See it! Be it!

ALL: See it! Be it! See it! Be it! See it! Be it!

Oh, yeah. We've come to the right place, all right.

See it! Be it! And what does all this mean?

Is it just some slogan on a T-shirt?

Which, by the way, are available in the lobby for $12.95 plus tax. Hardly.

It's a way to a brand new, rich, fulfilling life.

And the beauty of this program is that you are responsible for your own success.

You can do it yourself! LOWELL: Excuse me.

I'm a little new to the psychology game.

But, uh, is it just the T-shirts,

or are you selling the hats and whistles, too?

Just the shirts.

You need a degree to blow the whistle.

Now I want you all to take out a piece of paper

and I want you to write down

what you want out of life.

I want my money back.

Then I want you to write

what your life will be like when you achieve that.

I'll have my money back.

Just write it down, all right?

Now, look at what you've written

and let me ask you a question.

What is stopping you from achieving those goals?

You are. You've got all my money.

You know it is permissible to have an unexpressed thought.

Please, Lilith, I don't need you to defend me.

Frasier, you're wearing an engineer's hat and blowing a train whistle.

You need all the help you can get.

I don't know about the rest of you, but so far, I'm not impressed.

Well, let's just dispense with you right now, missy.

Sit right down here and let's get to the bottom of this.

Everyone, I'd like you to meet Helen Chapel.

She's a sweet, well-meaning girl

from around these parts, who was, unfortunately,

derailed in New York.

Let's just take a few minutes from our agenda

and see if we can get her back on track, shall we?

So by the time I came back to Nantucket,

I had no direction, no life,

and worst of all, no pride in myself.

I was shattered.

But you still make the best darned French fries on the island.

Thanks, Lowell.

Not really, but she needed that.

And you feel that none of this was your fault? Your responsibility?

No. I just followed your advice.

Simple child.

Helen, I didn't tell you to go to New York.

Did I?

I mean, if it was so overwhelming for you, why did you go there

in the first place? I mean, didn't you know what that place is like?

Didn't you ever see Midnight Cowboy?

Well, my life was going nowhere.

I had just left Joe,

and I decided to pursue the thing that meant the most to me, the cello.

You know, all the great... Wait! Go back a minute!

You broke up with a man?

Well, things weren't going so well, so, I just...

There was an unresolved relationship!

Passengers!

This is what we call a breakthrough!

Helen, didn't it ever occur to you that all of your problems

may have been caused by this break-up with this...

What's his name? Uh, Joe.

Well, yeah. Maybe. There are no maybes about it!

I wasn't responsible. You weren't responsible.

It was Joe's fault!

Hey, wait a minute.

You know, breaking up with Joe was probably the most traumatic thing

that had ever happened to me.

That was not my fault!

You're Joe? Uh-huh.

People, there is a life outside that airport.

Helen, I am not going to let you blame me

for what happened to you in New York.

And I don't like the idea of you sticking your big nose in everyone's business.

Hit him, Joe! Hit him!

Perhaps, you'd like to tell us a little bit about your life.

No. I'm not gonna tell you anything about my life.

I'm not gonna tell you anything at all.

My life was fine. It was great.

I had my own airline, my own filing system which...

Okay, other people don't understand, but I do, and it works for me.

The problems started when, after not hearing from my brother for six years,

he comes back, moves in and shakes up my entire existence.

There was a little sibling conflict, you say?

Ah, let's not go past this tasty little morsel.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You're not gonna blame all your problems on me.

Ha! The brother!

I mean, I don't need this. I've got a big-screen TV to pay for.

Yeah. 'cause you always have to be Mr. Bigshot. Good, good, go with that.

Well, uh, excuse me, but, uh, it's a little tough being the brother of the Pope.

Oh, here comes the Pope.

Don't call me the Pope! I hate it when you call me the Pope!

That's 'cause you are the Pope!

Mr. Holier Than Thou, looking down at everybody from your Pope perch!

Yeah. You know what--what? Maybe I am the Pope.

Because only the Pope would take you in after-- after you ran off with Carol.

Oh! You're not gonna dredge up that old evergreen again, are you?

(ALL ARGUING) Who's Carol?

Carol is Joe's ex-fiancee and Brian's ex-wife.

Oh, yeah.

Let's get ready to rumble.

Joe, it's Carol.

You never got over Carol. How could anybody else have a chance with you

when you're still not over Carol? BRIAN: This is true.

Hey, wait. Hey, how can anyone have a chance with you

when you run off to New York the first time things don't go your way?

Oh, shut your fat face.

This is good stuff all, but if you could just... Excuse me, butt out.

Hey, that's my train hat!

Just a second... Hey!

You know what steams me? I don't care.

No, I'm gonna tell you what steams me. I don't care.

No, no, no. This--This--This "I took you in" garbage.

Like you're doing me a big favor.

Excuse me. You know, Joe and I were talking.

You know, that's like you, Brian. Always just into yourself.

Self absorbed. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like we haven't heard you tell

the wonderful story about how you'd be a great cellist and not a waitress

five billion times. Oh, Brian.

Joe! Helen! The brother. Please!

I've got an agenda here and, uh...

Lilith! What are you doing? HELEN: Fine.

Making preliminary notes for an article which just occurred to me

about how promoting populist psycho-babble can ruin a man's career.

I'm just sick of you! Well, I'm sick of you.

Well, I'm sick of the both of you!

Please, uh, everyone. Please--Please stop.

(ALL CLAMORING)

You... You people are crazy! Crazy!

I can't work like this!

I came here to have a nice weekend.

To share a few ideas. A couple of pithy slogans!

I mean, what do you expect for 350 bucks?

Do you know what's the matter with you people?

You expect quick fixes. Easy answers. Well, there aren't any!

Except one!

You people, need to get away from each other

and get competent help!

Is that camera running?

Oh, I hope so. I missed some of the early stuff.

(ALL CLAMORING)

WOMAN: I want my money back!

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

All right! Ladies and gentlemen,

you will all receive full refunds.

And thank you very much for coming.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Excuse me, Dr. Crane.

You don't have to give me back my money. I feel great.

I think I feel better than I have in years.

I--I think I just needed that emotional release.

You know something?

You're pretty good.

I can't tell you what that means to me.

Frasier, let's leave here and continue our vacation.

Oh, Lilith. Don't look at me that way. This was not my fault.

If my look is accusatory, it's strictly habit.

Let's go, dear.

Well, it wasn't my fault!

You know, I think I'm on to something there, Lilith.

"Don't blame yourself. It's the other guy's fault!"

Come, Frasier. "It's the other guys fault."

Well, I don't know about the psychological foundations,

but I could sure see it, on a T-shirt.

Look, Brian, uh,

I'm sorry. I said some things...

Forget it. We all said some things.

You know, it's okay. We just had a big spring cleaning.

We got rid of a lot of stuff that's been hanging around for years.

Yeah, boy, that's the truth. Come on. I'll buy us all dinner.

Great. A-A-And maybe by the time we're finished eating, uh,

the police will have found those vandals, huh?

Vandals? What vandals?

The ones that broke into the hangar and smashed the big-screen TV.

Joe, Joe! If you want to see a championship fight, there's still a chance.

What are you talking about?

I was just showing Dr. Crane and his wife to my cab.

I said, "Where to?" He said, "Home to Dagmar."

And the lady bloodied his nose with the train whistle.

Five bucks on Morticia. She's scrawny but she's quick.