Original subtitles

Morning, Roy.

(GREETING IN ITALIAN)

My, my, what's with the "buongiorno"?

Well, I'm-- I'm studying Italian from a tape.

I'm thinkin' of going to Venice this summer.

Venice? You're going to Venice, Italy?

Yeah, why not? I hear it's a beautiful city.

Oh, it is.

Except for what's happening to the turkeys.

What're you talkin' about?

What's happenin' to the turkeys?

Turkey worm.

Makes them, how you say, foam at the mouth.

It's-- It's no big deal.

When they attack, you just kick them into the canal.

Some days, uh, you kick 30, 40 turkeys in before lunch.

It's quite a sight. Millions of turkeys floating under the Bridge of Sighs.

Foaming and bloating and reeking.

Well, maybe I'll just see America first.

I didn't know there were turkeys in Venice, Antonio.

There aren't.

And we want to keep it that way.

ANNOUNCER: In tonight's top story,

storms continue to pummel the North Atlantic seaboard.

On Nantucket, where the worst of the storm is over,

flooding, power blackouts, and near hurricane-force winds

have turned this normally tranquil island into a disaster area.

Many boats have been beached.

Several homes have been washed into the sea,

and many of the local streets are under as much as a foot of water.

People hoping to escape the destruction on the island

have had their plans complicated by the closing of the local airport.

(WIND HOWLING)

The power still out, Roy?

No, it's Thomas Edison's birthday

so we gave all our light bulbs the day off.

You know, Roy, sarcasm is the lowest form of humor.

(CHUCKLES) That's a good one, though.

What's the word from the tower, Fay?

They're still not letting anyone fly.

Yeah, well, I can't say I'm surprised.

That was the roughest storm I can remember.

Winds up to 80 miles an hour.

Thank God, the worst of it's over.

Oh, I know to my dying day

I'll regret choosing last night to give my parakeet his freedom.

What happened to him?

The last I saw he was headed for Canada.

Backwards.

Well, at least we got our plane in the hangar on time.

What about you, Roy?

No, I lost one plane.

Oh, Roy, I'm sorry! That's terrible.

No, not really.

It was old, worn out, insured for twice its value.

(LAUGHING)

That reminds me, I have to call my mother.

(EXCLAIMS)

Thanks to the power failure, practically everything in my fridge is spoiled.

Are you sure? Let me, uh, taste that for you.

Oh, that's pretty good.

Clam chowder, right?

No, whipped cream.

Hey, listen, while you're at it, do you mind tasting that?

Oh, not at all.

Mmm, good tapioca.

No, bad mayo.

So, uh, how'd your boat fare in the storm, Lowell?

Storm washed it clean up on shore.

Ended up in the middle of the high school parking lot.

I'm sorry, Lowell, I don't mean to take this lightly,

but it's kind of a funny picture. A boat in a parking lot.

No, not to me.

After all, it's where I've eaten, slept, laughed, cried, made love.

Can't they repair your boat?

No, I was talking about the parking lot.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, hi, Antonio. Hey.

Hi. I've just been driving around the island.

I've never seen anything like it.

Trees uprooted, front lawns ripped up, fence posts snapped in two.

Oh, it sounds terrible.

Yeah, that's just the damage I did trying to stay on the road.

It's windy out there.

Hey, try this one. I'm almost sure it's rancid.

Mmm.

Antonio, did you notice any other property damage around the island?

Oh, oh, yes, yes, uh, the roof blew off 42 Beach Road.

Uh, 58 Oyster Pond lost their chimney.

Uh, 427 Madaket Way has been condemned. Uh...

427 Madaket Way?

What happened to 427?

The--The ocean has eroded all the land around it.

It's about to fall into the sea.

That's the house that Brian and I grew up in.

Well, kiss it goodbye, Hackett. The Town Council condemned it this morning.

It's no big deal.

It's been vacant for a couple of years.

No, it is a big deal.

It's my old house.

Well, you didn't see me cry when they tore down the house where I spent my childhood.

That's because it was a House of Pancakes, Roy.

There's a chain of them.

Oh, of all the days to over-mousse.

Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful.

Listen, uh, I got some bad news.

The old house over on Madaket has been condemned.

It's falling into the sea. What're you talkin' about?

The ocean's like a block away from that house.

Not after this storm.

God, I hate to see the place go.

I mean, I practically spent more time at your house than I did my own.

Why don't we all go over and take a look at the place?

I mean, we're not doin' anything around here anyway.

I'm in. Yeah, let's do that.

Helen, what is the special of the day? I'm starving.

Clam chowder and tapioca. Here, have this.

Wow!

Wow, would you look at this place?

What's it been, 15 years?

Oh, at least. It's really strange being back here, boy.

Yeah, that cliche is really true.

Everything seems smaller when you go back.

Yeah, even our bedroom.

Oh, my God, would you look at this?

No wonder they condemned this place.

The water's practically up to the foundation.

Yeah. It really is too bad, you know.

A lot of great childhood memories wrapped up in this place.

Yeah, I'll say. Remember the day we moved in?

How happy we were to live in a real house?

Brian, Joe, come in here.

Don't you wanna see your lovely new home?

Why do we have to move here anyway?

The old apartment was fun.

Yeah, that's where all our friends are.

Ah, we really loved this place.

Dumb house.

Hey, we had a great room, remember?

Well, wait'll you boys see your bedroom.

Why can't we each have a room?

Because that other room is for when your Aunt Sarah comes to visit.

I remember you always had relatives here.

Oh, I envied that.

I hate Aunt Sarah.

She smells like Play-Doh.

Here's the best part, boys.

The ocean's in walking distance.

(LAUGHING) Pretty neat, eh, Joey?

I'll say.

Close enough for convenience, yet far enough for safety.

Remind me someday to tell you what childhood was like.

You know, I remember seeing you all over here that first day,

but, you know, I thought it was undignified for a girl to approach two boys.

Hi, I'm Helen Chapel. Wanna wrestle?

Yeah, as I recall I was goin' through kind of a bashful stage.

Yeah.

Boy, are you fat!

How'd you like to lose your looks, pretty boy?

I was pretty shy myself.

Come on, boys, let's let the movers get started, okay?

Yeah, this is where it all began.

The beginning of a life-long friendship. Hmm.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Hmm. Man, I'm real sorry to see this place torn down.

You know, I feel the same way.

Yeah, me, too.

Brian, you know, this house sits on a pretty big lot.

Maybe, uh, if we could find some way to get it moved back, we could save it.

What for? We already have a house.

I don't know. It's just... It seems like someone ought to live here.

I mean, it's a great place for kids to grow up.

Well, fine. They're gonna tear it down tomorrow.

Hey, you know what? Fay's a member of the Historical Society.

Uh, uh, maybe she could, you know, find some angle and buy us some time.

You know what?

It's worth a shot.

You know what else?

We better hurry.

Listen, Lowell, I hope you didn't have any, you know, ill effects

from what you ate here the other day.

No, can't say as I did, Helen.

Pretty much followed my usual routine.

Watched a little TV, took off my shoes, threw up, went to bed.

Wait a minute. That's your usual routine?

Throw up and then go to bed?

Yes, I've found that to be far and away the best sequence.

Oh, hey, Brian, here she is.

Hey, Fay, Fay. Fay, Fay.

Fay, did you ask the Historical Society about, uh, saving our old house?

Well, we've been researching it, but so far there's just no reason

to declare it a landmark.

Damn.

Oh, hey, Roy, did you have any luck tryin' to convince

the Town Council to save our old house?

Sorry, guys. Sorry.

As much as I pleaded with the other Council members,

the vote came out three to two against you.

(HELEN AND JOE GROANING)

Well, thanks for trying, Roy.

Oh, don't thank me.

Thank the two chumps who voted for you.

By tomorrow morning, the wrecking crew is gonna

turn that place into toothpicks.

Thanks for your sympathy, Roy. Why don't you just go over and dynamite the place?

Well, Roy likes to save his dynamite for fishing.

Thanks.

You know, back in Italy in my village, when a house is about to be destroyed,

the family goes back one last time to say goodbye.

It's like bidding a fond farewell to a beloved family member.

Maybe to you it would seem stupid.

No, it sounds-- sounds nice.No.

We ought to do that.

Did I mention that in the tradition, uh,

you must make the journey only by cab?

Did I mention that the storm is killing my business?

I guess I did.

You know, actually, that could be a cool thing.

Yeah, I think we ought to do it.

We ought to go over and give the old gal a real send-off.

I'll even pick up a bottle of champagne. All right, sounds good.

Oh, that's romantic.

It reminds me of a story I read,

where these two doomed lovers are marooned on a coral reef,

and they drink champagne, and shower kisses on each other,

vowing to take their passion with them, while the violent sea

rises steadily around them, threatening to sweep them into a watery grave.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Just get a six-pack.

Remember how mad Brian used to get when we played hide-and-seek?

Oh, yeah.

He'd hide in the closet and we'd go over to your house and watch TV.

You did that? HELEN: Mmm-hmm.

I just thought I was really good.

I'm really glad you came along, Helen.

Hey, it's been really nice spending a quiet moment with two very dear friends.

I heard somethin' about free beer?

And Lowell.

Ooh, bottles and cans. Party!

Oh, wow!

Look, that scratch on the ceiling is still there.

Oh, yeah, yeah, because every year our dad would buy a tree

that was too tall.

That little angel on top of the tree was developing a hunchback.

Hey, hey, do you remember that winter we got our sleds?

Oh, yeah! We spent the whole day goin' up and down Suicide Hill.

BRIAN: Suicide Hill.

Ah, never forget that day.

Yeah, they just can't take childhood memories like those away from you.

Lowell, you weren't there. We didn't even know you then.

I guess they can take childhood memories like that away from you.

(CLATTERING)

What is that?

Someone's upstairs!

W-W-Wait--Wait, maybe it's a prowler.

Hey, who's up there?

ROY: It's me, Roy.

Get down here, Roy. There's a prowler up there.

Roy, what're you doin' here?

I might ask you the exact same question.

You know, this place is being torn down tomorrow.

Well, look it here!

He's looting all the fixtures. Ha!

I prefer the term "recycle".

Besides, I'm just protecting the environment.

Oh, give me a break, Roy.

Hey, this dump could go into the ocean any minute,

and a dolphin could choke on that.

Oh! Hey!

Beer. Do you mind?

Help yourself. Don't mind if I do.

Got sent to your room again, huh?

Our room.

Brings back memories, doesn't it?

(SHUDDERS) Yeah, I'll say.

Hmm, this is where it all began!

Who'd have thought that from such humble beginnings

two brothers would strike out into the world, and end up, well,

basically, striking out in the world?

(POUNDING)

What're you doing?

Looking for my secret compartment. Yeah...

You had a secret compartment?

You bet. Here it is.

What is it? Oh, yeah, they're still here!

Here they are.

Oh, get out of here! Playboys?

You had Playboys in here during my impressionable childhood?

And you hogged them?

Ooh, wow, get a load of the top shelf on Miss September 1971.

Crystal Smith.

You remembered that name for 20 years?

Miss Smith, a 20-year-old graduate from Kansas State University, former Rockette,

Radio City Music Hall.

And I'm a little foggy on this, Joe, but I believe her biggest turnoffs are

guys who are rude and war.

All right, okay, so you knew about these, huh?

Oh, no, no, no, no. You bought your own.

I just read Dad's.

What else you got in here, huh? No, no, nothing.

What else? I'd have had more... No, there's nothing else.

What is this? No, they're nothing.

Come on, let's get goin' back downstairs. What is...

Captain Kangaroo?

Huh?

These are the letters I wrote to Captain Kangaroo,

that you were supposed to have mailed, Joe.

I was just tryin' to keep you from makin' a fool out of yourself.

You said some pretty... Some pretty dumb things in those letters.

Man, I tell you, every morning, every morning I watched him,

and I--I waited and hoped

that he would mention one of them on the air,

or maybe even share one of them with Mr. Green Jeans or Bunny Rabbit,

and he never did.

And now we know why, don't we, Joe?

Man, and I feel like a total idiot.

That time I bumped into him in New York City and flipped him off.

Get over it, Brian.

(BRIAN GROANING)

And pretty soon I just became totally, totally disillusioned,

totally cynical.

My hero had let me down.

And--And it was this betrayal that was the root

of all my attitude problems.

You know, my inability to commit, every failure that I ever had.

Oh yeah, right.

You washed out of the space program

'cause I didn't mail your letters to Captain Kangaroo.

I hope you're satisfied.

I was just tryin' to protect you. Yeah, you keep saying that.

Yeah, you know, I was always tryin' to protect you, and you didn't even know it.

Why do you think I drew that line down the middle of the room, huh?

Yeah, I know why. I know why.

So you could keep me on my side of the room,

so I wouldn't play with your stupid model airplanes.

I wanted to keep you on that side of the room

so that you wouldn't hear Mom and Dad fighting through this wall.

Yeah, well, don't worry.

I heard 'em fine right over here.

Until the end.

I remember when Mom finally left, I used to sit over there in that window

and watch for her,

but I knew she wasn't coming back.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Joe, what're you doing?

Nothin'.

You're waiting for Mom to come back, aren't you?

No. Now go finish your homework, butthead.

She is coming back, isn't she?

Didn't I tell you she was?

Okay, if you believe it, I believe it.

Yeah.

I never really believed she was coming back either.

Although, one night I saw someone walkin' in the hall wearin' her nightgown.

I was so excited,

till I realized it was Dad.

Yeah, that was when we first started to realize

that Dad wasn't playing with a full deck.

It wasn't too long after that, that they found him down at McDonald's Playland,

fast asleep in the arms of Mayor McCheese.

Sure are some great memories you're rakin' up here, bro.

What, what are these great memories we're tryin' to hang on to anyway?

I mean, our parents fought all the time.

Mom left us. Dad went nuts.

This place sucks.

Yeah, dumb house.

Oh, that felt great.

Oh, you're right! It did! This is great!

This is what we should have been doing the whole time!

Oh, you're right!

(JOE SCREAMING)

Oh, man, this is... I've never felt so good in this house! Ever!

Why should we let the wrecking ball have all the fun?

(GLASS BREAKING)

Hey, hey, hey, hey,

hold it, hold it, hold it. Oh, I was just gettin' into it. What're you...?

You're on my side of the room.

What's goin' on?

We're demolishing our childhood home.

Well, hell, I'm gonna give you a hand.

I've got a sledgehammer and a chain saw in my truck.

Neat. Playboy!

Wow, beer, wanton destruction, naked women.

Reminds me of my sister's sweet-sixteen party.

All right, everybody.

Grab a weapon and pick your spot.

Yeah!

(IMITATING HIS MOTHER'S VOICE) Are you boys playing ball in the living room?

Well, no, Ma, I'm just playing a little game of golf.

(THUDDING)

Oh, Joseph, are those your fingerprints on the window?

Oh, don't worry, Dad, I'll get rid of them.

You know, at my house,

we usually play "rock, paper, scissors" for the chain saw.

Any-Any-Anybody?

Get it, Lowell. It's all yours, bro.

(WHOOPS) All right.

(GLASS SMASHING)

HELEN: Oh, I can't believe you're doing this.

Can't men ever work out their emotions without smashing and breaking things?

Oh, lighten up, lady.

Have a little fun for once in your life. Go on.

(CHAIN SAW BUZZING)

You're right. That is fun.

Damn it, Helen, not all that stuff came from this house.

(CRASHING)

Oh, oh, I've had enough.

You had enough?

Yeah, I've had enough.

ROY: Me, too.

(EXHALING) Boy, we beat this place up pretty good, didn't we?

(EXCLAIMS)

Well, I destroyed the kitchen.

And I dedicate the victory to all the little chubby girls everywhere.

Well, let's call it a night. Where's Lowell?

He's, uh, upstairs, still workin'.

(CHAIN SAW BUZZING)

Remember those cartoons where the character saws a hole in the floor

around himself?

Even Lowell wouldn't be dumb enough to stand in the middle of it.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Hey, what're you guys doin' up here?

Great news, boys...

What in the world?

Oh, we're just, uh, gettin' a little head start on the demolition.

Yeah.

Oh, well, we've got a problem.

The Historical Society voted to preserve this house.

(GASPING)

What? Well, it's-- it's a little late.

What made them change their minds?

Well, it--it turns out that Herman Melville once rented a room here.

Who knows? He could have been working on Moby-Dick right up...there.

Are you saying we just destroyed a landmark?

What do you mean "we"? I was at the movies all night.

I was home doing my hair.

Might wanna consult a professional next time, Helen.

Joe, Brian, see you guys downstairs.

(SIGHING)

Well, Joey, ahem, take a last look around.

Home, sweet home.

Wanna know what the best part is?

We never have to see this place again as long as we live.

MRS. HACKETT: Come on down, boys.

LITTLE JOE: Boy, our new room is gonna be great.

Yeah, this house is much better than the old apartment.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, here we are.

Our first dinner in our new home.

Yeah, I've got a good feelin' about this place, boys.

Yeah.

I think we're gonna be happy here for a long, long time.