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00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:08,090
FEMALE NARRATOR:
Last week on Wings.
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00:00:08,090 --> 00:00:09,590
(SOBBING) Oh, Brian.
3
00:00:11,090 --> 00:00:13,100
Antonio, what's wrong?
4
00:00:13,100 --> 00:00:16,100
The government turned down
my request for a new visa.
5
00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:18,600
I must leave the country.
What?
6
00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:20,940
You know, Antonio,
there's more than one way
to stay in the country.
7
00:00:20,940 --> 00:00:23,840
You know, you can marry
an American citizen.
That would get you a visa.
8
00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:25,710
Oh, how is Antonio
gonna find some woman
9
00:00:25,710 --> 00:00:28,440
who's willing to marry him
at the last minute?
10
00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:32,420
And do you, Helen,
take Antonio to be your
lawful wedded husband?
11
00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:34,580
I do.
12
00:00:35,150 --> 00:00:37,150
Uh, when are we getting
that quickie divorce?
13
00:00:37,150 --> 00:00:39,160
Three years from this day.
14
00:00:39,160 --> 00:00:40,660
Three years?
15
00:00:40,660 --> 00:00:42,660
Yes. That--that
is the law.
16
00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:44,160
What...
17
00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:46,160
You said we were gonna
get a quickie divorce!
18
00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:48,670
Helen, my grandparents
were married 81 years.
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00:00:48,670 --> 00:00:51,170
To me, three years is
a quickie divorce.
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00:00:51,170 --> 00:00:54,300
Now, smile for the camera,
sweetheart.
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00:01:01,380 --> 00:01:03,880
(PIANO PLAYING)
22
00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:05,880
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
23
00:01:08,380 --> 00:01:10,890
Hey, Helen,
this is supposed to be
your wedding day.
24
00:01:10,890 --> 00:01:12,890
If you and Antonio want to
fool that immigration agent,
25
00:01:12,890 --> 00:01:16,530
you should at least
try to smile a little.
26
00:01:16,530 --> 00:01:19,430
Helen, come on.
Things could be a lot worse.
27
00:01:19,700 --> 00:01:21,770
Pucker up, toots,
I'm here to kiss the bride.
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00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:22,630
(CHUCKLES)
29
00:01:24,630 --> 00:01:25,640
See?
30
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:28,140
(PLANE ENGINE HUMMING)
31
00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,640
(JAZZ ORGAN PLAYING)
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00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:35,010
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
33
00:01:44,020 --> 00:01:48,020
So the government
pays you to track down
illegal aliens, huh?
34
00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:50,830
Well, after a fashion, yes.
35
00:01:50,830 --> 00:01:53,160
Ever been aboard
one of their motherships?
36
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,670
Hey, Brian,
what do you make of this?
Hmm?
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00:02:00,670 --> 00:02:02,240
I found this matchbook
in my pocket.
38
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:05,740
It's got a phone number
and the name Rachel
written on it.
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00:02:05,740 --> 00:02:07,440
I've no idea
who this woman is.
40
00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:10,510
Some of my best mornings
have started with those
very words.
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00:02:10,510 --> 00:02:12,820
Oh, well.
No! What're you doing?
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00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:15,290
Joe, you never
throw out a Rachel.
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00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:17,790
Throw out a Mildred.
Throw out an Ethel.
But never a Rachel.
44
00:02:18,290 --> 00:02:19,290
Rachel is a biblical name.
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00:02:19,290 --> 00:02:22,790
You call a Rachel,
you might see God.
46
00:02:22,790 --> 00:02:26,300
If she looks like the last
girl you set me up with,
I might see Roy.
47
00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:28,800
(CHUCKLING)
You know what?
48
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,300
I'm having a lot more fun
here than I thought I would.
49
00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:33,300
What with that
federal agent snooping around
50
00:02:33,300 --> 00:02:34,800
I can get Helen
to do anything.
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00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:35,810
Here, watch this.
52
00:02:35,810 --> 00:02:37,810
Attention, please.
53
00:02:37,810 --> 00:02:40,310
I think someone's
still wearing a garter.
54
00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:43,680
You don't have to make
an announcement, Roy.
55
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,680
Just go in the men's room
and take it off.
56
00:02:47,180 --> 00:02:49,150
Oh, Helen and Antonio,
what are you...
57
00:02:49,150 --> 00:02:50,650
No, y-you come over here
58
00:02:50,650 --> 00:02:53,660
and all you
eligible bachelors,
you move over there
59
00:02:53,660 --> 00:02:55,160
and get ready to
catch the garter.
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00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:57,160
Come on, show us some leg.
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00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:58,500
(LAUGHING)
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00:02:58,490 --> 00:03:02,060
You'll see plenty
when I cram my foot
down your throat.
63
00:03:02,070 --> 00:03:06,070
Please, Helen,
this pains me as much
as it does you.
64
00:03:06,070 --> 00:03:08,070
But with Immigration
here, what can I do?
65
00:03:08,570 --> 00:03:09,570
Hit it, Thelma!
66
00:03:09,570 --> 00:03:11,570
(ALL CHEERING)
67
00:03:20,350 --> 00:03:22,350
Grab it.
It won't bite you.
Come on!
68
00:03:23,850 --> 00:03:24,850
I'll help you.
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00:03:24,850 --> 00:03:27,360
Oh, just take it!
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00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:30,360
Toss it, Antonio!
Toss it!
Come on.
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00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:31,530
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
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00:03:31,530 --> 00:03:33,460
FAY:
Oh, congratulations, Lowell.
73
00:03:33,460 --> 00:03:35,530
You know what catching
the garter means?
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00:03:35,530 --> 00:03:38,530
Yeah. Finally, I got
something frilly to
keep my pants leg
75
00:03:38,530 --> 00:03:40,540
from getting caught
in my bicycle chain.
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00:03:43,410 --> 00:03:45,980
(CLEARING THROAT)
Uh, Mrs. Scarpacci.
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00:03:45,980 --> 00:03:48,980
I just wanted to
thank you for today.
78
00:03:48,980 --> 00:03:52,480
Oh, well, we're just so glad
that you could join us. Bye.
79
00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:55,490
Well, I...
This is hardly goodbye.
You'll be seeing me again.
80
00:03:55,490 --> 00:03:58,590
Oh, good. Why is that?
81
00:03:58,590 --> 00:04:01,020
Uh, it's procedure.
You know, follow-up
interviews.
82
00:04:01,020 --> 00:04:04,660
I can drop by any time.
And I will.
83
00:04:04,660 --> 00:04:06,730
Are you sure that
that's necessary?
84
00:04:06,730 --> 00:04:08,730
Oh, you have nothing
to worry about.
85
00:04:08,730 --> 00:04:12,400
After all, this is
a legitimate marriage,
isn't it?
86
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:16,340
And you and your husband
are both much too smart
to risk going to prison.
87
00:04:18,210 --> 00:04:19,710
Prison?
88
00:04:19,710 --> 00:04:22,110
Oh, sure.
Defrauding the government
is a federal crime.
89
00:04:22,110 --> 00:04:23,610
(CHUCKLES)
90
00:04:23,610 --> 00:04:27,120
Anyway, I hope you like
the soup tureen I gave you.
Oh.
91
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:29,120
Don't ask me why I thought
it was appropriate.
92
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:30,620
It serves seven to ten.
93
00:04:34,090 --> 00:04:36,090
Fay, I could go to prison.
94
00:04:36,090 --> 00:04:38,900
Do you know what could
happen to a little thing
like me in prison?
95
00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:41,900
Um, you'd get picked last
for the basketball team?
96
00:04:43,900 --> 00:04:46,900
Fay, I just can't
stand this any more.
I'm gonna go home.
97
00:04:46,900 --> 00:04:48,410
I'm gonna take a hot bath,
98
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:49,910
and I'm gonna forget
this day ever happened.
99
00:04:50,410 --> 00:04:53,410
Uh, H-H-Helen,
you can't leave before
you throw your bouquet.
100
00:05:05,220 --> 00:05:07,720
I suppose it wouldn't
hurt to have coffee.
101
00:05:19,170 --> 00:05:21,970
Well, Joe,
it finally happened.
102
00:05:22,540 --> 00:05:25,040
Today we lost
our little Helen.
103
00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:26,540
Yeah, well, think of it
this way, Brian.
104
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:30,050
We didn't lose a friend.
We gained a new tarpaulin
for the Cessna.
105
00:05:30,050 --> 00:05:32,550
Let's just get out of here.
Oh, hold on there!
106
00:05:32,550 --> 00:05:34,050
Somebody who you have to call.
107
00:05:34,050 --> 00:05:35,050
Who?
108
00:05:35,550 --> 00:05:37,050
Rachel.
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00:05:37,050 --> 00:05:38,560
Hey, I threw that
matchbook away.
110
00:05:39,060 --> 00:05:40,560
I know. I recycled it.
111
00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:42,060
Come on, Brian,
I don't want to...
112
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:44,060
Relax, will you?
Relax.
113
00:05:44,060 --> 00:05:47,060
I'm gonna put her on the
speakerphone. If you don't
like the sound of her voice,
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00:05:47,060 --> 00:05:48,060
she's history.
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00:05:48,060 --> 00:05:49,570
(PHONE RINGING)
116
00:05:51,070 --> 00:05:52,570
RACHEL: Hello.
117
00:05:52,570 --> 00:05:54,070
Uh, Rachel?
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00:05:54,070 --> 00:05:55,070
Yes?
119
00:05:55,570 --> 00:05:57,070
Uh, my name is Joe Hackett
and, uh...
120
00:05:57,070 --> 00:05:59,080
Could you hold on
for just a second, please?
121
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:01,580
I just finished
working out and you got me
out of the shower,
122
00:06:01,580 --> 00:06:04,580
so I'm standing here
stark naked and dripping wet.
123
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:11,090
BOTH: Ooh.
124
00:06:11,090 --> 00:06:14,090
I usually pay
three bucks a minute
for a call like that.
125
00:06:15,090 --> 00:06:17,090
Okay, I'm back.
126
00:06:17,090 --> 00:06:19,100
Uh, well, Rachel,
I know this is gonna
sound crazy, but,
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00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:21,100
uh, I found your name
and your number
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00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:23,600
on a matchbook
in my sport jacket and, uh,
129
00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:26,600
well, I--I--I can't
remember where it was...
130
00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:29,610
(STUTTERING) Could...
Can I put you on hold
for just one second?
131
00:06:29,610 --> 00:06:31,110
Okay.
132
00:06:31,110 --> 00:06:33,110
What? What?
Wha-Wha-Wha-What? What?
Are you nuts, Joe?
133
00:06:33,110 --> 00:06:35,110
Nothing turns a woman off
more than telling her
you don't remember her.
134
00:06:35,610 --> 00:06:37,110
I mean, it's--it's--it's
right up there with,
135
00:06:37,610 --> 00:06:39,620
"My, you have stout,
muscular legs."
136
00:06:40,620 --> 00:06:42,620
Uh, sorry, Rachel,
there's an annoying
137
00:06:42,620 --> 00:06:44,620
little gnat buzzing
around me in here.
138
00:06:44,620 --> 00:06:47,120
Uh, anyway, uh, I found
your name and number,
139
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,130
and, uh, to be
perfectly honest,
140
00:06:49,130 --> 00:06:51,630
I--I--I can't
remember meeting you.
141
00:06:51,630 --> 00:06:53,630
Well, maybe we met at the gym.
142
00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:56,130
Um, did we talk after
an aerobics class?
143
00:06:56,130 --> 00:06:57,630
You take aerobics?
144
00:06:57,630 --> 00:06:59,140
I'm an instructor.
145
00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:03,140
BOTH: Ooh.
146
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,640
Uh, no, it--it
wasn't at the gym.
147
00:07:06,140 --> 00:07:08,140
Uh, well, the, the matchbook
is from a restaurant
148
00:07:08,140 --> 00:07:10,150
called The Club Car
down on Main Street.
Does that help?
149
00:07:10,650 --> 00:07:12,150
The Club Car?
150
00:07:12,150 --> 00:07:14,150
Oh, wait a minute,
The Club Car.
151
00:07:14,150 --> 00:07:18,150
Are you about six feet tall
with brown hair?
152
00:07:18,650 --> 00:07:21,160
Yeah.
Oh, I remember you.
153
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,160
But you don't
remember me at all?
154
00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:24,660
Well, I, uh...
155
00:07:24,660 --> 00:07:26,660
Look, Joe, um,
why don't we get together
156
00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:29,170
and see if we can
solve this little mystery?
157
00:07:29,170 --> 00:07:32,170
Where're you gonna be
say, uh, tomorrow?
158
00:07:32,170 --> 00:07:33,670
Well, I'm a pilot
with Sandpiper Air.
159
00:07:33,670 --> 00:07:36,670
Uh, actually I,
uh, I own it.
160
00:07:38,670 --> 00:07:41,180
Terrific.
Um, I'll come by the airport.
161
00:07:41,180 --> 00:07:43,680
Let's see, uh, I've got
a thigh class at 11:00
162
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,680
and a butt class at 1:00.
163
00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:48,180
How about if I
squeeze you in between?
164
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:02,700
BOTH: Ooh.
165
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,700
Uh, sounds great, Rachel.
166
00:08:06,700 --> 00:08:09,710
Okay, good.
I'm looking forward to it.
Bye.
167
00:08:09,710 --> 00:08:10,710
Goodbye.
168
00:08:10,710 --> 00:08:12,710
(BOTH CHEERING)
169
00:08:12,710 --> 00:08:14,210
(WHOOPING)
170
00:08:14,210 --> 00:08:15,710
Is she hot or what?
171
00:08:15,710 --> 00:08:18,210
And, boy,
does she sound built?
172
00:08:18,710 --> 00:08:21,150
Oh, yeah, right.
Like you can tell that
from the phone.
173
00:08:21,150 --> 00:08:24,150
Hey, Joe, Joe, Joe,
I have a trained ear.
174
00:08:24,150 --> 00:08:26,160
It has to do with acoustics
and believe me,
175
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,660
she has got a set of
ack-ack guns on her
176
00:08:28,660 --> 00:08:31,660
that could bring down
the space shuttle.
177
00:08:31,660 --> 00:08:33,660
Brian, there is no way
that you can tell.
178
00:08:33,660 --> 00:08:36,670
RACHEL: Excuse me,
can I clear this up for you?
179
00:08:36,670 --> 00:08:40,170
36-24-36.
180
00:08:40,670 --> 00:08:43,170
Now would you please hang up
so I could use this line?
181
00:08:43,670 --> 00:08:44,670
Sorry.
182
00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:51,180
BOTH: Ooh.
183
00:08:57,750 --> 00:08:59,760
(SCREAMING)
Buena sera, Helen.
184
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,620
What are you doing
in my house?
185
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,030
Uh, I thought
I would surprise you.
186
00:09:04,530 --> 00:09:05,530
So far, so good.
187
00:09:07,700 --> 00:09:09,260
Get out of my bathroom!
188
00:09:09,270 --> 00:09:12,070
It is okay.
I--I am not seeing a thing.
189
00:09:12,070 --> 00:09:14,570
Uh, but if I were,
190
00:09:14,570 --> 00:09:17,570
may I be permitted
to say, "Wow"?
191
00:09:19,710 --> 00:09:22,280
Antonio,
I'm gonna scream again.
192
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,750
No, no, Helen, please,
there is no need.
193
00:09:24,750 --> 00:09:27,750
Uh, I am so grateful
to you for helping me
stay in the country,
194
00:09:27,750 --> 00:09:30,150
I thank you
the only way I know how.
195
00:09:30,150 --> 00:09:32,720
By breaking into my house
and walking in on my bath?
196
00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:34,220
That is only the beginning.
197
00:09:35,220 --> 00:09:38,230
I have prepared for you
a meal to die for.
198
00:09:38,230 --> 00:09:42,730
Veal scaloppini, a tossed
green salad and the most
al dente fettuccine.
199
00:09:42,730 --> 00:09:43,730
How did you
get in here anyway?
200
00:09:44,230 --> 00:09:45,740
Uh, I found your key
under the mat.
201
00:09:45,730 --> 00:09:47,240
You really should be
more careful.
202
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:51,240
Now, I will just leave
your feast here.
203
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:55,240
And if you need me,
I will be in the other room,
unpacking.
204
00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:56,250
Get back in here!
205
00:09:56,750 --> 00:09:59,980
Ah, my wildest dream
has come true.
206
00:09:59,980 --> 00:10:01,350
What do you mean,
"unpacking"?
207
00:10:01,850 --> 00:10:03,350
I have to move in.
208
00:10:03,350 --> 00:10:06,860
Mr. Fulham, the man from INS,
said that when he visits,
209
00:10:06,860 --> 00:10:09,360
he expects us to be
living together like
man and wife.
210
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:10,860
What? You're kidding!
211
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:13,860
Besides, when we have
our follow-up interview,
212
00:10:13,860 --> 00:10:16,630
we must know every detail
about each other.
213
00:10:16,630 --> 00:10:20,200
For example,
I am already learning that
you're not particularly shy.
214
00:10:22,670 --> 00:10:26,180
I'm not particularly smart
either or I wouldn't be
in this stupid mess.
215
00:10:26,180 --> 00:10:29,550
Now, Helen, please,
I will be no trouble.
216
00:10:29,550 --> 00:10:32,550
I will be like a shadow.
217
00:10:32,550 --> 00:10:36,550
In the morning I will
slip out the door,
218
00:10:36,550 --> 00:10:39,560
and you will say,
"What was that, the wind?"
219
00:10:41,260 --> 00:10:45,260
And I will whisper,
"No, it is me, Antonio."
220
00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:49,570
But I will already be gone,
so you won't be able
to hear me.
221
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,900
You obviously give me
no choice.
222
00:10:52,900 --> 00:10:53,900
So, fine.
223
00:10:53,900 --> 00:10:55,410
But listen,
here are the rules.
224
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:57,910
You sleep
on the downstairs couch.
225
00:10:57,910 --> 00:10:59,910
You are second in line
for the bathroom.
226
00:10:59,910 --> 00:11:02,410
You don't even sneeze unless
you check with me first.
227
00:11:02,410 --> 00:11:05,480
Fine. I will not look at you,
talk to you, or touch you.
228
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:07,980
It will be like
we're married 10 years.
229
00:11:09,490 --> 00:11:10,990
(SCREAMING)
Hey, newlyweds.
230
00:11:10,990 --> 00:11:12,350
Whoa, jackpot.
231
00:11:13,060 --> 00:11:15,690
Brian, this is an outrage.
232
00:11:15,690 --> 00:11:17,690
Don't you know
it is very rude
233
00:11:17,690 --> 00:11:20,700
to barge into a woman's
bathroom unannounced?
It is unthinkable.
234
00:11:20,700 --> 00:11:23,700
Is that veal scaloppini?
Yes, with just
a hint of basil.
235
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:26,200
What are you doing here?
236
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,710
Oh, well, I tried calling
you guys but the phone was
off the hook.
237
00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:29,710
No, it's not.
238
00:11:29,710 --> 00:11:31,710
Yes, it is.
I knew you wouldn't
239
00:11:31,710 --> 00:11:33,710
want to be disturbed
while taking a bath.
240
00:11:33,710 --> 00:11:35,710
Both of you,
get out of here!
241
00:11:35,710 --> 00:11:39,180
Okay, but you won't hear
the good news
or the bad news.
242
00:11:39,180 --> 00:11:40,750
What good news?
243
00:11:40,750 --> 00:11:43,820
Well, I was down
at Hennessey's Pub
having a beer
244
00:11:43,820 --> 00:11:45,820
and I spent an hour
talking to a lawyer.
245
00:11:45,820 --> 00:11:49,220
And he said that
there might be another way
for Antonio to get his visa.
246
00:11:49,530 --> 00:11:50,390
(EXCLAIMS)
247
00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:53,460
What is the bad news?
248
00:11:53,460 --> 00:11:54,960
Spent an hour
talking to lawyer.
249
00:11:56,470 --> 00:11:59,470
What'd he say?
What'd he say?
250
00:11:59,470 --> 00:12:01,470
Well, Helen, you sure
you want to take this
lying down? I mean...
251
00:12:01,470 --> 00:12:03,470
Brian!
Okay, apparently,
252
00:12:03,470 --> 00:12:07,480
Congress just passed
this law making
40,000 visas available
253
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:09,980
in some sort of big lottery.
254
00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:11,980
Y-you just have to send in
your name and address.
255
00:12:11,980 --> 00:12:15,990
Wait a minute. You're saying
that the government picks
a bunch of names at random,
256
00:12:15,990 --> 00:12:17,990
and those people get
their green cards
free and clear?
257
00:12:17,990 --> 00:12:19,560
That's right.
All you got to do is enter.
258
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:23,130
If this is that thing
with Ed McMahon,
I may have already won.
259
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,460
Hey, this is terrific.
260
00:12:27,460 --> 00:12:30,470
You know, this may be
just the loophole I need.
261
00:12:30,470 --> 00:12:31,970
We've got to get
started right away.
262
00:12:31,970 --> 00:12:32,970
Allow me.
Let me help you.
263
00:12:32,970 --> 00:12:34,470
Get out!
264
00:12:34,470 --> 00:12:36,970
Brian, I got tired of
sitting in the car.
265
00:12:36,970 --> 00:12:37,970
Hi, Helen.
266
00:12:37,970 --> 00:12:40,480
Antonio, oh, caught you
on the hopper, eh?
267
00:12:56,260 --> 00:12:57,760
Uh, now let me
get this straight.
268
00:12:57,760 --> 00:12:59,560
You mean, anybody
who wants a green card
269
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,830
can enter this lottery
as many times as they want?
270
00:13:01,830 --> 00:13:05,330
Yes. They draw
40,000 names next week.
271
00:13:05,330 --> 00:13:07,340
That's why I'm so tired.
272
00:13:07,340 --> 00:13:10,840
Helen and I stayed up
all night addressing
envelopes,
273
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:13,340
writing applications,
licking the stamps.
274
00:13:13,340 --> 00:13:16,350
Every time I completed one,
she make me do another.
275
00:13:16,350 --> 00:13:19,350
You know,
when they have a drawing
on the Poppo the Clown Show,
276
00:13:19,350 --> 00:13:21,350
they let a monkey
pick the lucky ticket.
277
00:13:22,350 --> 00:13:23,850
So?
278
00:13:23,850 --> 00:13:25,350
Take it from
a three-time winner,
279
00:13:25,350 --> 00:13:28,360
rubbing a banana
on these entries is
not time wasted.
280
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:36,370
Hey, good news, everybody.
We've got 2,000
completed entries.
281
00:13:36,670 --> 00:13:37,970
(ALL CHEERING)
282
00:13:38,470 --> 00:13:39,970
Only 8,000 more to go.
283
00:13:39,970 --> 00:13:40,970
ALL: Oh, no.
284
00:13:40,970 --> 00:13:42,470
Oh, come on now.
Don't quit on me now.
285
00:13:42,470 --> 00:13:46,240
The lottery's my last chance
to get out of this marriage.
286
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:50,810
Boy, you forget to put down
the toilet seat one time...
287
00:13:53,980 --> 00:13:56,050
Excuse me.
288
00:13:56,050 --> 00:13:58,550
Hi, I'm Rachel Adams.
I'm looking for Joe Hackett.
289
00:13:58,550 --> 00:14:00,060
Hi, Rachel.
I'm Joe Hackett.
290
00:14:00,060 --> 00:14:01,520
Oh, really?
291
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,830
Gosh, you're not
what I expected.
292
00:14:03,830 --> 00:14:07,200
Well, uh, you're a lot
more than I expected,
so I guess it kinda evens out.
293
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:08,900
No. No, see,
you don't understand.
294
00:14:08,900 --> 00:14:11,800
I--I came here
looking for the guy
who ran into my car.
295
00:14:12,070 --> 00:14:13,400
What?
Yeah.
296
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,970
A couple of months ago,
this guy puts a dent
in my fender so I wrote
297
00:14:15,970 --> 00:14:18,470
my name and number
on the back of this
Club Car matchbook
298
00:14:18,470 --> 00:14:19,880
and the jerk
never calls me back.
299
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,440
But then how'd the matchbook
get into my jacket?
300
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:25,250
I don't know,
but you're definitely not
the guy who hit my car.
301
00:14:25,250 --> 00:14:27,020
Well, this must be
the lovely...
302
00:14:27,020 --> 00:14:29,150
That's the guy!
Whoa, gotta run!
303
00:14:30,150 --> 00:14:31,650
Hold it, Brian.
304
00:14:31,650 --> 00:14:32,920
You know this guy?
305
00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:34,490
Yeah, he's my brother.
You borrowed my jacket, huh?
306
00:14:34,990 --> 00:14:38,490
Okay, what's the big idea?
The number you gave me
was for some lousy bakery.
307
00:14:38,490 --> 00:14:41,000
Hey, that happens to be
a damn good bakery.
308
00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:44,500
Look, uh,
I-I-I'm really sorry.
309
00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:47,000
I lost your number
and after a while I just
forgot all about it.
310
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,510
Let me refresh your memory.
You owe me 338 bucks.
311
00:14:49,510 --> 00:14:54,010
Oh, uh, look,
there must be some way
I could work this off.
312
00:14:54,010 --> 00:14:58,010
You know,
I happen to be an expert
at shiatsu massage.
313
00:14:58,010 --> 00:14:59,520
And...
314
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,020
I'll go write you a check.
315
00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:04,520
Hey, look, I'm--I'm
really sorry about this.
316
00:15:04,790 --> 00:15:06,360
I'd like to
make it up to you.
317
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:09,730
You know,
clear the family name and all.
Say something like lunch?
318
00:15:09,730 --> 00:15:11,730
Well, is dinner
something like lunch?
319
00:15:11,730 --> 00:15:13,230
Because I'm free tonight.
320
00:15:13,230 --> 00:15:15,730
8:00?
Yeah, yeah, you want to
pick me up at the gym?
321
00:15:15,730 --> 00:15:17,230
Yes, I do.
322
00:15:18,630 --> 00:15:20,200
Here you go, Rach.
323
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:21,200
Thanks a lot.
324
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:22,710
So, see you tonight, Joe.
325
00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:25,310
Yeah. Oh, just one second.
326
00:15:25,310 --> 00:15:28,310
All right, Brian,
now write her one
on your account.
327
00:15:41,090 --> 00:15:42,090
(GRUNTING)
328
00:15:42,090 --> 00:15:44,090
The Immigration office
lines are still busy.
329
00:15:44,090 --> 00:15:46,600
Well, try again, Antonio.
I have to know.
330
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,200
Now, Helen, you've waited
a week already. Be patient.
331
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:52,500
Yelling at Antonio
isn't going to make the call
go through any quicker.
332
00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:54,300
It's ringing, it's ringing.
333
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:57,570
Well, it's still good advice.
334
00:15:57,570 --> 00:16:03,150
Hello. Yes, I-I-I'm calling
to see if I was chosen
in the visa lottery.
335
00:16:03,150 --> 00:16:05,650
Antonio Scarpacci
from Nantucket.
336
00:16:06,650 --> 00:16:08,150
She's checking.
The lady's checking.
337
00:16:08,650 --> 00:16:10,020
Oh, please, please, please,
please, please...
338
00:16:10,020 --> 00:16:12,290
You can say "please"
for hours.
It won't do you any good.
339
00:16:12,290 --> 00:16:15,360
Ah, another page
from the Roy Biggins
dating manual.
340
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:21,360
He-Hello, yes. Yes.
341
00:16:23,370 --> 00:16:24,870
I see.
342
00:16:26,870 --> 00:16:28,370
Thank you. Goodbye.
343
00:16:30,870 --> 00:16:32,380
They didn't pick you,
did they?
344
00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:39,880
(SOBS)
345
00:16:42,890 --> 00:16:44,890
At least we still
have each other.
346
00:16:53,900 --> 00:16:56,400
Helen?
You all right, kid?
347
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,400
Yeah, I will be.
348
00:16:58,900 --> 00:17:01,900
I mean,
it's only three years.
That's not so terrible.
349
00:17:01,900 --> 00:17:04,410
Three years isn't a lifetime.
350
00:17:04,410 --> 00:17:06,410
It is if you're
a horseshoe crab.
351
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:14,280
Am I the only one
who watches PBS?
352
00:17:16,290 --> 00:17:17,290
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
353
00:17:17,790 --> 00:17:18,790
(CLEARING THROAT)
354
00:17:18,790 --> 00:17:21,790
I just have to
keep in mind
why I'm doing this.
355
00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:25,290
This is for Antonio.
He's a very sweet guy.
356
00:17:25,290 --> 00:17:28,800
He is considerate,
he's kind,
he's a good cook.
357
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,300
We should have married him.
358
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:32,270
HELEN: Hello.
359
00:17:32,270 --> 00:17:35,340
Uh, no, I'm sorry,
he's not here.
Can I take a message?
360
00:17:35,340 --> 00:17:37,340
Uh, this is...
361
00:17:37,340 --> 00:17:38,340
(SIGHING) His wife.
362
00:17:41,340 --> 00:17:43,350
Could you repeat that, please?
363
00:17:45,350 --> 00:17:46,850
Are you absolutely sure?
364
00:17:48,350 --> 00:17:51,350
Oh, no, I'll tell him.
You can count on that.
365
00:17:51,350 --> 00:17:52,350
Thank you.
366
00:17:54,390 --> 00:17:56,460
What? What's up?
Where are you going?
367
00:17:56,460 --> 00:17:58,260
I'm gonna go
kill my husband.
368
00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:02,600
Not unlike
the violin spider,
369
00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:07,600
who kills her mate
370
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:10,610
and then lays her eggs
in his nutrient-rich
carcass.
371
00:18:18,110 --> 00:18:20,120
I just happen
to know that one.
372
00:18:27,620 --> 00:18:29,130
Helen.
373
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:31,630
Don't "Helen" me.
I just got a call
from Immigration,
374
00:18:31,630 --> 00:18:34,130
and they want to know
where to send
your green card
375
00:18:34,130 --> 00:18:35,630
you won in the lottery.
376
00:18:35,630 --> 00:18:39,140
Can we discuss this
over dinner, honey?
377
00:18:39,130 --> 00:18:42,640
Look, I want you,
your hair net,
your gravity boots
378
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:46,140
and your
Hooked on Phonics tapes
out of my house.
379
00:18:46,140 --> 00:18:47,640
Why did you lie to me?
380
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,150
I'm still not sure.
381
00:18:49,140 --> 00:18:50,650
When they told me
I had won,
382
00:18:50,650 --> 00:18:52,150
all I could think was,
383
00:18:52,150 --> 00:18:55,650
"This has been
the happiest week since
I came to this country,
384
00:18:55,650 --> 00:18:57,650
"and now it has to end."
385
00:18:57,650 --> 00:19:02,660
I guess, I liked coming
home to a warm house
and a friendly face.
386
00:19:03,660 --> 00:19:05,160
Well, not that face.
387
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:07,160
You have others.
388
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:08,660
Were you ever gonna
tell me the truth?
389
00:19:08,660 --> 00:19:12,170
Of course,
but I was hoping,
390
00:19:12,170 --> 00:19:15,670
by then you might
like me a little.
391
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:24,180
Antonio,
392
00:19:24,180 --> 00:19:27,680
you didn't really think
that we could stay married,
did you?
393
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:30,690
Let me try to explain.
394
00:19:32,690 --> 00:19:36,190
Many years ago
in Positano, Italy,
395
00:19:36,190 --> 00:19:39,190
there was a young man
named Angelo
396
00:19:39,190 --> 00:19:42,200
and a young woman
named Anna Maria.
397
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:45,200
One day, their fathers,
they decide
398
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,700
the two children
will be married.
399
00:19:47,700 --> 00:19:52,710
Angelo and Anna Maria
do not even meet until
the day of their wedding.
400
00:19:52,710 --> 00:19:55,710
Well, at first
they are both so scared,
401
00:19:55,710 --> 00:19:58,210
but after a time
402
00:19:58,210 --> 00:19:59,210
you'll never guess
what happened.
403
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,220
They grew to love each other.
I told you this story?
404
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,720
I saw the picture
you keep of your parents.
405
00:20:06,220 --> 00:20:08,220
Angelo and Anna Maria, right?
406
00:20:11,730 --> 00:20:14,230
They did grow
to love each other.
407
00:20:15,730 --> 00:20:17,230
It can happen.
408
00:20:17,730 --> 00:20:20,740
Oh, Antonio.
409
00:20:20,740 --> 00:20:23,240
I'm touched. Really, I am.
410
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:28,240
But see, when I get
married for real,
411
00:20:30,750 --> 00:20:31,750
I want it to be for real.
412
00:20:31,750 --> 00:20:35,250
And you know what?
You deserve the same thing.
413
00:20:35,750 --> 00:20:39,760
I promise you, some day
you will find a woman
that is perfect for you.
414
00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:43,760
But never one
as beautiful.
415
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:45,260
Oh, sure you will.
416
00:20:45,260 --> 00:20:49,770
No. Trust me on this one.
History is not in my favor.
417
00:20:50,770 --> 00:20:53,270
You are the first
Scarpacci woman to have
418
00:20:53,270 --> 00:20:55,770
more hair above her nose
than below.
419
00:20:58,270 --> 00:20:59,780
Hey, this is still
a great day for you.
420
00:20:59,780 --> 00:21:01,280
You get to stay
in the country.
421
00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,780
And in a few years,
you may even get
to be a citizen.
422
00:21:04,780 --> 00:21:06,280
I guess I should celebrate.
423
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:10,290
Yes. But first,
um, would you do me
a favor, Antonio?
424
00:21:10,790 --> 00:21:12,790
Anything.
425
00:21:12,790 --> 00:21:15,790
Would you do me the honor
of giving me back my hand
in marriage?
426
00:21:17,290 --> 00:21:18,790
Will you divorce me?
427
00:21:19,290 --> 00:21:20,800
I will.
428
00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:23,800
There is no woman
I would rather have
as my ex-wife.
429
00:21:25,300 --> 00:21:27,300
Ah, thank you.
430
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:30,310
So let's go get
some expensive champagne
and a cheap lawyer.
431
00:21:30,310 --> 00:21:31,310
You got it.
432
00:21:35,310 --> 00:21:39,820
Uh, now that we are
both single, uh, would you
like to go out sometime?
433
00:21:41,820 --> 00:21:42,820
Too soon.
31108
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