Original subtitles

FEMALE NARRATOR: Last week on Wings.

(SOBBING) Oh, Brian.

Antonio, what's wrong?

The government turned down my request for a new visa.

I must leave the country. What?

You know, Antonio, there's more than one way to stay in the country.

You know, you can marry an American citizen. That would get you a visa.

Oh, how is Antonio gonna find some woman

who's willing to marry him at the last minute?

And do you, Helen, take Antonio to be your lawful wedded husband?

I do.

Uh, when are we getting that quickie divorce?

Three years from this day.

Three years?

Yes. That--that is the law.

What...

You said we were gonna get a quickie divorce!

Helen, my grandparents were married 81 years.

To me, three years is a quickie divorce.

Now, smile for the camera, sweetheart.

(PIANO PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Hey, Helen, this is supposed to be your wedding day.

If you and Antonio want to fool that immigration agent,

you should at least try to smile a little.

Helen, come on. Things could be a lot worse.

Pucker up, toots, I'm here to kiss the bride.

(CHUCKLES)

See?

(PLANE ENGINE HUMMING)

(JAZZ ORGAN PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

So the government pays you to track down illegal aliens, huh?

Well, after a fashion, yes.

Ever been aboard one of their motherships?

Hey, Brian, what do you make of this? Hmm?

I found this matchbook in my pocket.

It's got a phone number and the name Rachel written on it.

I've no idea who this woman is.

Some of my best mornings have started with those very words.

Oh, well. No! What're you doing?

Joe, you never throw out a Rachel.

Throw out a Mildred. Throw out an Ethel. But never a Rachel.

Rachel is a biblical name.

You call a Rachel, you might see God.

If she looks like the last girl you set me up with, I might see Roy.

(CHUCKLING) You know what?

I'm having a lot more fun here than I thought I would.

What with that federal agent snooping around

I can get Helen to do anything.

Here, watch this.

Attention, please.

I think someone's still wearing a garter.

You don't have to make an announcement, Roy.

Just go in the men's room and take it off.

Oh, Helen and Antonio, what are you...

No, y-you come over here

and all you eligible bachelors, you move over there

and get ready to catch the garter.

Come on, show us some leg.

(LAUGHING)

You'll see plenty when I cram my foot down your throat.

Please, Helen, this pains me as much as it does you.

But with Immigration here, what can I do?

Hit it, Thelma!

(ALL CHEERING)

Grab it. It won't bite you. Come on!

I'll help you.

Oh, just take it!

Toss it, Antonio! Toss it! Come on.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

FAY: Oh, congratulations, Lowell.

You know what catching the garter means?

Yeah. Finally, I got something frilly to keep my pants leg

from getting caught in my bicycle chain.

(CLEARING THROAT) Uh, Mrs. Scarpacci.

I just wanted to thank you for today.

Oh, well, we're just so glad that you could join us. Bye.

Well, I... This is hardly goodbye. You'll be seeing me again.

Oh, good. Why is that?

Uh, it's procedure. You know, follow-up interviews.

I can drop by any time. And I will.

Are you sure that that's necessary?

Oh, you have nothing to worry about.

After all, this is a legitimate marriage, isn't it?

And you and your husband are both much too smart to risk going to prison.

Prison?

Oh, sure. Defrauding the government is a federal crime.

(CHUCKLES)

Anyway, I hope you like the soup tureen I gave you. Oh.

Don't ask me why I thought it was appropriate.

It serves seven to ten.

Fay, I could go to prison.

Do you know what could happen to a little thing like me in prison?

Um, you'd get picked last for the basketball team?

Fay, I just can't stand this any more. I'm gonna go home.

I'm gonna take a hot bath,

and I'm gonna forget this day ever happened.

Uh, H-H-Helen, you can't leave before you throw your bouquet.

I suppose it wouldn't hurt to have coffee.

Well, Joe, it finally happened.

Today we lost our little Helen.

Yeah, well, think of it this way, Brian.

We didn't lose a friend. We gained a new tarpaulin for the Cessna.

Let's just get out of here. Oh, hold on there!

Somebody who you have to call.

Who?

Rachel.

Hey, I threw that matchbook away.

I know. I recycled it.

Come on, Brian, I don't want to...

Relax, will you? Relax.

I'm gonna put her on the speakerphone. If you don't like the sound of her voice,

she's history.

(PHONE RINGING)

RACHEL: Hello.

Uh, Rachel?

Yes?

Uh, my name is Joe Hackett and, uh...

Could you hold on for just a second, please?

I just finished working out and you got me out of the shower,

so I'm standing here stark naked and dripping wet.

BOTH: Ooh.

I usually pay three bucks a minute for a call like that.

Okay, I'm back.

Uh, well, Rachel, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but,

uh, I found your name and your number

on a matchbook in my sport jacket and, uh,

well, I--I--I can't remember where it was...

(STUTTERING) Could... Can I put you on hold for just one second?

Okay.

What? What? Wha-Wha-Wha-What? What? Are you nuts, Joe?

Nothing turns a woman off more than telling her you don't remember her.

I mean, it's--it's--it's right up there with,

"My, you have stout, muscular legs."

Uh, sorry, Rachel, there's an annoying

little gnat buzzing around me in here.

Uh, anyway, uh, I found your name and number,

and, uh, to be perfectly honest,

I--I--I can't remember meeting you.

Well, maybe we met at the gym.

Um, did we talk after an aerobics class?

You take aerobics?

I'm an instructor.

BOTH: Ooh.

Uh, no, it--it wasn't at the gym.

Uh, well, the, the matchbook is from a restaurant

called The Club Car down on Main Street. Does that help?

The Club Car?

Oh, wait a minute, The Club Car.

Are you about six feet tall with brown hair?

Yeah. Oh, I remember you.

But you don't remember me at all?

Well, I, uh...

Look, Joe, um, why don't we get together

and see if we can solve this little mystery?

Where're you gonna be say, uh, tomorrow?

Well, I'm a pilot with Sandpiper Air.

Uh, actually I, uh, I own it.

Terrific. Um, I'll come by the airport.

Let's see, uh, I've got a thigh class at 11:00

and a butt class at 1:00.

How about if I squeeze you in between?

BOTH: Ooh.

Uh, sounds great, Rachel.

Okay, good. I'm looking forward to it. Bye.

Goodbye.

(BOTH CHEERING)

(WHOOPING)

Is she hot or what?

And, boy, does she sound built?

Oh, yeah, right. Like you can tell that from the phone.

Hey, Joe, Joe, Joe, I have a trained ear.

It has to do with acoustics and believe me,

she has got a set of ack-ack guns on her

that could bring down the space shuttle.

Brian, there is no way that you can tell.

RACHEL: Excuse me, can I clear this up for you?

36-24-36.

Now would you please hang up so I could use this line?

Sorry.

BOTH: Ooh.

(SCREAMING) Buena sera, Helen.

What are you doing in my house?

Uh, I thought I would surprise you.

So far, so good.

Get out of my bathroom!

It is okay. I--I am not seeing a thing.

Uh, but if I were,

may I be permitted to say, "Wow"?

Antonio, I'm gonna scream again.

No, no, Helen, please, there is no need.

Uh, I am so grateful to you for helping me stay in the country,

I thank you the only way I know how.

By breaking into my house and walking in on my bath?

That is only the beginning.

I have prepared for you a meal to die for.

Veal scaloppini, a tossed green salad and the most al dente fettuccine.

How did you get in here anyway?

Uh, I found your key under the mat.

You really should be more careful.

Now, I will just leave your feast here.

And if you need me, I will be in the other room, unpacking.

Get back in here!

Ah, my wildest dream has come true.

What do you mean, "unpacking"?

I have to move in.

Mr. Fulham, the man from INS, said that when he visits,

he expects us to be living together like man and wife.

What? You're kidding!

Besides, when we have our follow-up interview,

we must know every detail about each other.

For example, I am already learning that you're not particularly shy.

I'm not particularly smart either or I wouldn't be in this stupid mess.

Now, Helen, please, I will be no trouble.

I will be like a shadow.

In the morning I will slip out the door,

and you will say, "What was that, the wind?"

And I will whisper, "No, it is me, Antonio."

But I will already be gone, so you won't be able to hear me.

You obviously give me no choice.

So, fine.

But listen, here are the rules.

You sleep on the downstairs couch.

You are second in line for the bathroom.

You don't even sneeze unless you check with me first.

Fine. I will not look at you, talk to you, or touch you.

It will be like we're married 10 years.

(SCREAMING) Hey, newlyweds.

Whoa, jackpot.

Brian, this is an outrage.

Don't you know it is very rude

to barge into a woman's bathroom unannounced? It is unthinkable.

Is that veal scaloppini? Yes, with just a hint of basil.

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, I tried calling you guys but the phone was off the hook.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is. I knew you wouldn't

want to be disturbed while taking a bath.

Both of you, get out of here!

Okay, but you won't hear the good news or the bad news.

What good news?

Well, I was down at Hennessey's Pub having a beer

and I spent an hour talking to a lawyer.

And he said that there might be another way for Antonio to get his visa.

(EXCLAIMS)

What is the bad news?

Spent an hour talking to lawyer.

What'd he say? What'd he say?

Well, Helen, you sure you want to take this lying down? I mean...

Brian! Okay, apparently,

Congress just passed this law making 40,000 visas available

in some sort of big lottery.

Y-you just have to send in your name and address.

Wait a minute. You're saying that the government picks a bunch of names at random,

and those people get their green cards free and clear?

That's right. All you got to do is enter.

If this is that thing with Ed McMahon, I may have already won.

Hey, this is terrific.

You know, this may be just the loophole I need.

We've got to get started right away.

Allow me. Let me help you.

Get out!

Brian, I got tired of sitting in the car.

Hi, Helen.

Antonio, oh, caught you on the hopper, eh?

Uh, now let me get this straight.

You mean, anybody who wants a green card

can enter this lottery as many times as they want?

Yes. They draw 40,000 names next week.

That's why I'm so tired.

Helen and I stayed up all night addressing envelopes,

writing applications, licking the stamps.

Every time I completed one, she make me do another.

You know, when they have a drawing on the Poppo the Clown Show,

they let a monkey pick the lucky ticket.

So?

Take it from a three-time winner,

rubbing a banana on these entries is not time wasted.

Hey, good news, everybody. We've got 2,000 completed entries.

(ALL CHEERING)

Only 8,000 more to go.

ALL: Oh, no.

Oh, come on now. Don't quit on me now.

The lottery's my last chance to get out of this marriage.

Boy, you forget to put down the toilet seat one time...

Excuse me.

Hi, I'm Rachel Adams. I'm looking for Joe Hackett.

Hi, Rachel. I'm Joe Hackett.

Oh, really?

Gosh, you're not what I expected.

Well, uh, you're a lot more than I expected, so I guess it kinda evens out.

No. No, see, you don't understand.

I--I came here looking for the guy who ran into my car.

What? Yeah.

A couple of months ago, this guy puts a dent in my fender so I wrote

my name and number on the back of this Club Car matchbook

and the jerk never calls me back.

But then how'd the matchbook get into my jacket?

I don't know, but you're definitely not the guy who hit my car.

Well, this must be the lovely...

That's the guy! Whoa, gotta run!

Hold it, Brian.

You know this guy?

Yeah, he's my brother. You borrowed my jacket, huh?

Okay, what's the big idea? The number you gave me was for some lousy bakery.

Hey, that happens to be a damn good bakery.

Look, uh, I-I-I'm really sorry.

I lost your number and after a while I just forgot all about it.

Let me refresh your memory. You owe me 338 bucks.

Oh, uh, look, there must be some way I could work this off.

You know, I happen to be an expert at shiatsu massage.

And...

I'll go write you a check.

Hey, look, I'm--I'm really sorry about this.

I'd like to make it up to you.

You know, clear the family name and all. Say something like lunch?

Well, is dinner something like lunch?

Because I'm free tonight.

8:00? Yeah, yeah, you want to pick me up at the gym?

Yes, I do.

Here you go, Rach.

Thanks a lot.

So, see you tonight, Joe.

Yeah. Oh, just one second.

All right, Brian, now write her one on your account.

(GRUNTING)

The Immigration office lines are still busy.

Well, try again, Antonio. I have to know.

Now, Helen, you've waited a week already. Be patient.

Yelling at Antonio isn't going to make the call go through any quicker.

It's ringing, it's ringing.

Well, it's still good advice.

Hello. Yes, I-I-I'm calling to see if I was chosen in the visa lottery.

Antonio Scarpacci from Nantucket.

She's checking. The lady's checking.

Oh, please, please, please, please, please...

You can say "please" for hours. It won't do you any good.

Ah, another page from the Roy Biggins dating manual.

He-Hello, yes. Yes.

I see.

Thank you. Goodbye.

They didn't pick you, did they?

(SOBS)

At least we still have each other.

Helen? You all right, kid?

Yeah, I will be.

I mean, it's only three years. That's not so terrible.

Three years isn't a lifetime.

It is if you're a horseshoe crab.

Am I the only one who watches PBS?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

I just have to keep in mind why I'm doing this.

This is for Antonio. He's a very sweet guy.

He is considerate, he's kind, he's a good cook.

We should have married him.

HELEN: Hello.

Uh, no, I'm sorry, he's not here. Can I take a message?

Uh, this is...

(SIGHING) His wife.

Could you repeat that, please?

Are you absolutely sure?

Oh, no, I'll tell him. You can count on that.

Thank you.

What? What's up? Where are you going?

I'm gonna go kill my husband.

Not unlike the violin spider,

who kills her mate

and then lays her eggs in his nutrient-rich carcass.

I just happen to know that one.

Helen.

Don't "Helen" me. I just got a call from Immigration,

and they want to know where to send your green card

you won in the lottery.

Can we discuss this over dinner, honey?

Look, I want you, your hair net, your gravity boots

and your Hooked on Phonics tapes out of my house.

Why did you lie to me?

I'm still not sure.

When they told me I had won,

all I could think was,

"This has been the happiest week since I came to this country,

"and now it has to end."

I guess, I liked coming home to a warm house and a friendly face.

Well, not that face.

You have others.

Were you ever gonna tell me the truth?

Of course, but I was hoping,

by then you might like me a little.

Antonio,

you didn't really think that we could stay married, did you?

Let me try to explain.

Many years ago in Positano, Italy,

there was a young man named Angelo

and a young woman named Anna Maria.

One day, their fathers, they decide

the two children will be married.

Angelo and Anna Maria do not even meet until the day of their wedding.

Well, at first they are both so scared,

but after a time

you'll never guess what happened.

They grew to love each other. I told you this story?

I saw the picture you keep of your parents.

Angelo and Anna Maria, right?

They did grow to love each other.

It can happen.

Oh, Antonio.

I'm touched. Really, I am.

But see, when I get married for real,

I want it to be for real.

And you know what? You deserve the same thing.

I promise you, some day you will find a woman that is perfect for you.

But never one as beautiful.

Oh, sure you will.

No. Trust me on this one. History is not in my favor.

You are the first Scarpacci woman to have

more hair above her nose than below.

Hey, this is still a great day for you.

You get to stay in the country.

And in a few years, you may even get to be a citizen.

I guess I should celebrate.

Yes. But first, um, would you do me a favor, Antonio?

Anything.

Would you do me the honor of giving me back my hand in marriage?

Will you divorce me?

I will.

There is no woman I would rather have as my ex-wife.

Ah, thank you.

So let's go get some expensive champagne and a cheap lawyer.

You got it.

Uh, now that we are both single, uh, would you like to go out sometime?

Too soon.