Original subtitles

Hey, Roy.

Hey, Lowell. How're you doing?

Well, it's kind of strange.

I've had this nagging feeling all day

that I'm forgetting something.

Hmm. Well, my guess is you get that feeling a lot.

No, this is different.

It's like I started something this morning and I forgot to complete it.

Well, it must be something.

Oh, there you are, Lowell.

Do you want me to finish cutting your hair or not?

Oh, sorry, Fay.

Well, whatever it was, it'll come to me eventually.

Sandpiper Air flight 19 to Boston will now begin boarding.

At this time, we'd like to seat those passengers in our first class section,

rows one through six.

Fay, we only have six rows. There's no first class.

I know, but it makes everyone feel so special.

Oh, morning, Antonio. How was your weekend?

(CRYING) Oh, Lowell.

Boy, I never will get used to these European greetings.

Hey, uh, Antonio. Are you okay?

Oh, Brian.

(CRYING)

What the hell is going on here?

Oh... Brian.

Antonio, what's wrong?

I have bad news.

The government turned down my request for a new visa.

I must leave the country.

HELEN: What? Gosh...

How much time do you have?

One month only. Then I must go back to Italy.

Oh, this is awful.

Things were just starting to go so well

for you and your taxi business.

I know, I just learned the long way to every place on the island.

What's Gepetto whining about? I'd love to go live in Italy.

Yeah. Sure sounds good to me.

Yeah, doesn't it? Which part?

Any part you like, Roy, just so long as you go.

You know, isn't this always the way? The government picks on the little guy

when there are so many bigger problems.

Rampant drug abuse, unchecked poverty, crime in the streets.

Helen, please. I miss America enough already.

I wanted to be the first Scarpacci to be a success in this country.

You know, Antonio, there's more than one way to stay in the country.

You know, you can marry an American citizen.

That would get you a visa.

Oh, look at me. Madonna is not exactly returning my phone calls.

You either?

You know, people do it all the time.

You just find someone and you make a simple business arrangement.

You know, I have heard of people doing that. Yeah.

Oh, how is Antonio going to find some woman

who's willing to marry him at the last minute?

Everybody, everybody, you want a cupcake, you go to a baker.

You want girls, you come to me.

Where do you go to get a huge cigar burn out of a bedspread?

Well, I was just asking.

Look, all I need to know is what type of girl you like?

Brian, I--I--I am so touched.

You offer your time, your energy,

but I can't ask you to go through all this trouble.

It's no trouble! Okay, I'm a butt man.

So, Helen, do I look okay? I--I want to impress my new bride,

whoever she is.

Whoever Brian found for you is going to be very impressed.

You have no reason to be nervous.

Oh, good. Because when I get nervous, I sweat.

And when I sweat, I sweat like a hog.

From my neck, from my legs, from my...

Do you mind?

Forgive me. I offend the delicate flower.

(CLEARING THROAT) Hey, guys!

Brian, I thought you were supposed to bring Antonio's bride-to-be.

She is right behind me. But, look, uh,

before I bring her out, she might not be exactly to your taste,

but I... Who am I to say?

(SHRILL VOICE) Looks like I got most of it, kid.

I think it was just gum.

Oh, God.

Joe, where's the luckiest man on Nantucket?

He's right over here.

Antonio Scarpacci, I would like to introduce you

to Miss Sally McCabe from Sconset,

or as she's known around the island...

Sconset Sal! Press the flesh!

(GROANS)

You have a very strong grip.

Yeah, I ought to.

I do all the work on the boat myself, right down to the plumbing.

Why, I could take apart a pump toilet, dead drunk and blindfolded!

Uh, it's a quality I look for in a woman.

So, your-- your friend here tells me you need a wife.

Well, maybe I...

Well, here's my offer.

My boat's been taking on a lot of bilge water, see?

And that's something even I won't touch.

So, if you'll pay to have it pumped down, disinfected and plugged up,

aw, heck, I'll marry you.

They say it's only romantic when the man proposes.

I can't pay more than $500.

It's a deal. Press the flesh!

That's okay. Uh, excuse me. I--I must call the immigration office

and tell them I'm going to be married.

Hey! Tell the world, dogface! I ain't ashamed of you!

(CHUCKLING) Brian, are you completely out of your mind?

Sconset Sal and Antonio? Listen, I was desperate.

No, I mean the woman spends her time down at the wharf

letting tourists take pictures

while her parrot pecks birdseed out of her bellybutton.

If she were 20 years old, living in a loft in SoHo,

they'd call it performance art.

Hey!

I ain't the Holiday Inn!

Okay, so they're not Gable and Lombard.

But all Antonio has to do is wait for the marriage certificate,

then he never has to see Sal again.

I spoke to the immigration officer... Mmm-hmm.

and I told him

I am engaged.

Great! So what's he sending us for our wedding?

I'm registered at Tiffany's.

(CACKLING)

(STAMMERING) You don't understand.

See, the man from immigration, he comes next week to interview us.

He wants to make sure we are a real couple.

Well, looks like we've got some acquainting to do.

Oh, joy.

You're just a little bit of a guy, ain't you?

Why, I bet I could pick you up and spin you round my head!

(GROANING)

Antonio, are you okay? You look exhausted.

Oh, I'm dead on my feet.

For the last week,

I have been up every night studying at Sal's.

We have to learn all about each other's personal habits.

The man from immigration comes to quiz us today.

You actually went to that shack she lives in?

Does this rash answer your question?

Oh, Antonio, congratulations.

Heard about you and Sconset Sal, you old swordsman, you.

Thank you. She's quite a catch.

Lowell, they're only getting married so he can stay in the country.

Oh, boy, what a relief.

It's not easy to find nice things to say about that old lunatic.

It pains me to say that, she is my godmother.

Antonio, I understand what you're doing, but are you sure this is all legal?

Oh, yes, I checked it out.

If today goes well, all we have to do is get married

and then get a quickie divorce.

Now, where is that barnacle-encrusted mercenary I shall soon call my bride?

Announcing the arrival of Aeromass flight 17 from Boston.

Aeromass, where our seats adjust so yours don't have to.

Flight 17. The man from immigration, he comes on this flight.

SAL: Ahoy! Ah, thank God Sal's here.

Look, Sparky, we gotta talk.

You're a sweet little illegal alien, but I gotta dump you.

I got hot in a crap game, see?

I won enough money to fix my boat myself.

Look, you can't do this. We had an arrangement. They will deport me.

Oh, everybody's got a sad story.

Me, I came this close to marrying one of the Kennedys.

See you around, Frenchie.

That's it. What am I going to do?

The government agent will be here any minute.

Okay, okay, don't sweat it, Antonio.

We just got to find some way to stall him, that's all.

Excuse me, I'm George Fulham, from Immigration and Naturalization.

I'm supposed to meet an Antonio Scarpacci.

Does anyone here know him?

Uh, no, I don't. You do?

No, I don't. You, Lowell?

No, I don't. Do you, Antonio?

I am Antonio Scarpacci.

How do you do?

So, this meeting was supposed to be with you and your fiancee.

Where is she?

Uh, my fiancee...

Uh, she's...

She's... Right here, you silly.

(GRUNTS)

He's always kiddin' around.

(CHUCKLING) I'm such a nut.

So, you two are getting married.

Didn't that work out nicely?

One week, Mr. Scarpacci's denied his visa, the next, he's engaged.

Yeah. I've been on an emotional roller coaster.

Uh-huh. So, why don't we start at the beginning?

How long have you two known each other?

BOTH: Uh...

Uh, what's it been? What? Six months.

Yes. Six months. Exactly six.

And, when did you decide to get engaged?

BOTH: Oh...

Must have been, uh, just a-- just a few weeks ago, you know.

Yes, a few weeks, exactly a few.

I see.

You know, we could sit here and make nice all day. But I gotta tell you.

What I'm looking at here is a textbook example of a sham marriage,

uh, wouldn't you say?

Oh, well I can see how you would say that.

But, now, um, if that were true...

Uh, would we be planning the big fancy wedding like the one we're planning?

(EXHALING NOISILY)

Oh, you're planning a--a big fancy wedding, are you?

Very big, very fancy. Yes. Yes. Ah.

Helen will be wearing my mother's wedding dress.

Oh, that's a nice touch.

Uh-uh, when is the wedding?

Oh, it's this Saturday.

Uh, so you're planning on-- on doing it up right,

uh, music, champagne, flowers?

Yes, lots of flowers. A feast for the nose. Yes, lots of flowers.

Handpicked. The flowers, not the nose.

I think I'm getting the picture here.

(CLEARING THROAT) We're talking about a...

A big wedding, with all kinds of family and friends.

Yes. Absolutely.

Then you probably wouldn't mind if I came, too.

Oh, of course not. Uh, we'll send you an invitation.

Great. Thank you very much.

I am really looking forward to it.

(CHUCKLES)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(SIGHS) Helen, I don't know how to thank you.

Oh, don't start, Antonio. We have two days to plan the wedding of the century

and there's a million things to do.

Excuse me, uh, did I hear correctly? You're actually having a wedding?

Yes. This Saturday.

Wow, this is getting out of hand.

Well, I had no choice.

Now, if we're going to pull this off,

I need all of your help. Is everybody in?

(ALL AGREEING)

I'll round up some guests. Okay.

I can take care of the food. I'll make some of my crab cakes.

In fact, crab is traditional wedding fare.

It's supposed to guarantee that you'll be together forever.

I served them at all three of my weddings.

What am I going to do about a dress?

My fiancee, the brain surgeon here, told the man I was going to be married

in his mother's wedding dress.

And you will. I'll call Mama right now and have her send it air express.

Yep. Ooh.

When you absolutely, positively have to get married overnight.

Wait a minute. What am I thinking?

Where are we going to have this?

I mean, there's no time to get a hall or a-- or a church.

Use my hangar.

Oh, no. This guy's really slick. There's no way he's gonna buy that.

W-Why not? You know, tell him it's where you first met.

People get married in weird places all the time.

Joe's right. Why, Bunny and I got married in the back of her father's car.

Uh, no, that was something else.

Yes? Bride's side or groom's?

I don't know. Some guy just came down to the pier this morning

and offered us $5 to show up here.

So, where do you want our bait buckets?

Uh, gift table's over there.

You paid people to show up at this wedding?

Relax, will you?

Besides, they're not all scuzzy fishermen like those guys.

Hey, boys, how're you doing?

Hope you don't mind, but while the ceremony's going on,

I got some delicates soaking in the little girls' room.

Very nice. A definite step up.

Roy, I didn't think you were coming.

Bogus wedding, possible deportation and an open bar?

(CHUCKLING) Try keeping me away.

Uh, you remember Inspector Fulham?

Oh, of course I do. Say, I had no idea you were coming.

But since you're here, I've got a little question for you. Hypothetically, okay?

A guy gets distracted and he forgets to file his tax return for a few years.

What's the worst that could possibly happen to him?

Well, that's really not my department, Uh-huh.

but I'd be happy to check into it for you.

Okay. Mister...?

Biggins. Roy Biggins.

Okay. Fulham's here. Let's get this thing going. What's keeping Helen?

I don't know. I'll check.

Hey, Helen. Let's get going.

What's going on? How come you're not getting dressed?

I can't, Joe.

Why not?

I was fine until this dress got here.

This is a wedding dress, Joe. A real wedding dress.

A real big wedding dress.

Apparently Mama Scarpacci never met a cannoli she didn't like.

You don't understand, Joe. I was just trying to do something nice.

Now, I'm gonna walk into an airplane hangar,

wearing a stranger's dress and marry a guy I hardly know. I can't do it.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Excuse me, Helen, Joe, I hope I'm not interrupting.

I, uh, just wanted to give you something.

My blue bandanna.

You get the significance?

Yes, Lowell. No bride can be married without something blue.

Well, actually it's something borrowed

and I'll be needing that back.

Been using it as my gas cap.

(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

This is my wedding day, Joe.

The day I've dreamed about ever since I was a little girl.

You know, my friends and I,

we used to put pajama bottoms on our head

and play marriage ceremony.

But I never meant for it to be like this.

You know, a woman only gets to have one first wedding day

and I just don't want this to be it.

Look, Helen, you've already done more for Antonio than anyone has a right to expect.

So if you want to back out, I don't think there's

a person out there that wouldn't understand.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, scusi.

Antonio... Helen, Helen,

I just want to tell you,

what you are doing for me today, I will never forget.

(INTERRUPTING) The night before I leave Italy,

my mother comes to me. She worries about me in--in America.

"Who will look after you there?," she says.

"Who... Who will be your family?"

Today, I know. Thank you.

You're welcome, Antonio.

Hey, come on. Everybody's waiting. Helen, you gonna do this or not?

(PLANE ENGINE HUMMING)

Is everything all right, Fay?

No.

If that immigration agent is going to believe this is a real wedding,

I should be crying. And I don't think I can cry.

Uh, uh, come on, help me think of something sad.

Okay.

Let's see.

A little boy, after his first day at kindergarten,

and his mommy never comes to pick him up.

No. Nothing.

Apparently you and my mother have a lot in common.

Uh... Helen ought to be out any minute.

Good. I thought maybe the bride was getting cold feet.

Oh, no, no, no. She is crazy about Antonio. Yeah, she told me herself.

He makes every guy she has ever been with

look like a child, an infant, an immature idiot.

How is it that you know Helen?

Oh, well,

I, uh, sort of dated her.

You can sit there and pretend like you don't know me.

But that New Year's Eve was the best night of your life.

Give me a break. I was young and impetuous. It was a lifetime ago.

It was last year!

So all that was left was one puppy.

All alone, on a piece of driftwood,

three miles out to sea.

No, not a tear.

My God, woman. What are you made out of, stone?

It was a little puppy.

I'm ready!

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

Well, are we ready to begin?

Fine.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today

to witness a solemn and beautiful occasion.

Those of you sitting in the back have no idea just how beautiful.

Do you, Antonio,

take Helen to be your lawfully wedded wife?

To love and to cherish, as long as you both may live?

I do.

And do you, Helen, take Antonio to be your lawfully wedded husband

to love and cherish as long as you both may live?

Helen?

Senor, scusi.

Helen, the last thing I want is for you to be unhappy.

So, please, if you have doubts, don't be afraid to answer "I don't."

I don't. Oh, God.

I don't have any doubts. I do.

I can't hear you!

I do!

Then, by the power vested in me by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts,

I hereby pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I know this is not the appropriate time to ask you this, but, uh,

when are we getting that quickie divorce?

Three years from this day.

Three years?

Yes. That--that--that is the law.

What do you... You said we were gonna get a quickie divorce!

Helen, my grandparents were married 81 years.

To me, three years is a quickie divorce.

Now, smile for the camera, sweetheart.