Original subtitles

Helen? Oh, hi, Fay.

I was just enjoying the sights. Here, take a look.

There's still time left on my quarter.

Oh, you know, as residents we tend to

take the natural wonders of this island for granted.

Mmm-hmm.

Is that new baggage handler a bodybuilder?

Nice buns, huh?

Oh, gosh, I really hadn't noticed.

(COIN RATTLING)

The time's up? I'll get another quarter.

Better bring a roll.

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

Announcing the arrival of Sandpiper Air flight 7 from Boston.

We welcome visitors to our lovely Nantucket,

where a foot of beach is lost to the sea every 12 months.

That means in roughly 20,000 years,

your favorite secluded cove

or quaint little bed and breakfast

will cease to exist.

So, enjoy our beaches while you can

and keep an eye on the little ones.

Joe, Joe.

You know what tomorrow is, don't you, huh?

South Carolina

and the golfing adventure of a lifetime!

I am pumped! Are you pumped?

Joe, you don't look pumped.

Brian, I love to play golf,

but I don't know about this, man.

A whole weekend away from work is...

Hey, hey, hey! Work is covered!

I've got everything under control.

So relax, okay? Joe, Joe, Joe, picture it.

A luxury condo at Turtle Shoals Resort.

(IMITATING SOUND OF TEE SHOT)

Closest you ever came to a golf course that good

was a forced landing on the sixth fairway

at the Boston Country Club.

I've never seen plaid scatter that fast in my life.

Yeah, you're right. This might be good for me,

and I'm trying to stop worrying, so...

That's my boy!

But, I am mildly concerned

about where the money for this trip is coming from.

Well, Joe, I--I have told you already.

My friend from Aruba finally came through with the money that he owed me.

Friend, Brian?

Friend! Bookie!

In his language it's the same word.

Anyway, you know me, I'm not a saver.

I figure, who better to spend it on than my big brother

who's always been there for me.

So just consider this weekend payback time.

All right, here's the deal. No wheelies in the golf cart,

no exploding golf balls and you'll leave the air horn at home.

Agreed. All right.

Yes! I'm going.

(STAMMERING) Oh, he's just happy

because we're going away together for the weekend.

Never mind.

Psst, psst, psst, psst, psst.

Excuse me, I--I believe Roy has sprung a leak.

Heard about your little, uh, golfing weekend, Hackett.

I'm coming along.

Thanks, Roy, but it's too showy if we bring our own caddy.

Yeah, well, you're taking me, Hackett,

you're taking me 'cause I'm onto your little scam.

You're not treating your brother to any vacation.

This whole weekend is one of those free promotions

to sell timeshare condos and isn't costing you a dime.

So, am I going with you or, uh, do I spill the beans?

Hey, Roy, you don't wanna come with us.

Why don't you just go on your own?

I can't, I've been to Turtle Shoals twice under my own name

and their computers have me blacklisted.

All right, all right, you're in.

But think about this, Roy.

Those timeshare hucksters are the lowest scum on Earth,

and even they don't want you.

(PLAYING SCALES)

I didn't know you played guitar, Antonio.

Ah, I only started a few months ago.

Hmm. Can you play us something?

Well, there is one American folk song

I used to hear in Italy.

For years it was the only English I knew.

Hmm. Well, play that.

(HUMMING MICHAEL ROW THE BOAT ASHORE)

Oh, yeah.

My goat knows the bowling score

Hallelujah

My goat knows the bowling score

Excuse me.

Uh, I think it's

"Michael row the boat ashore."

Get out.

The meaning, it changes, but...

Okay, I try it your way.

Michael row the boat ashore

Hallelujah

(COINS RATTLING)

That--That man, he dropped his money.

No, no, no. Antonio, that's for you.

He liked what he heard. The money's like a tip.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Sid's new hair is in the mail

Hallelujah

You know, I wish more people could have

the experience of flying Sandpiper.

Hey, thanks, Roy.

Yeah, if everyone could take a ride in this cheese box,

my business would triple.

You know, we didn't have to bring a fourth.

Yeah, I know, but if we left it up to the golf course,

they'd just fill out our foursome with some obnoxious cretin.

(POPS BAG)

This way we bring our own.

I don't care. I'm not letting Roy ruin this for me.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend.

Ah! Stepping up to the first tee at the crack of dawn,

the dew on the fairway,

and beating you like a drum for, what,

the 16th time in a row?

Hey, your streak ends today, Chi Chi!

Oh, yeah, yeah, we'll see.

Well, I finally made my decision.

Gonna tee off with Ed, here.

Ed? You named your golf ball?

Yeah, named all of 'em.

I, uh, haven't had a lot of luck with conventional pets.

Lowell, why on earth... Joe, Joe, stop.

Heed the warning signs. You're about to enter Lowell's world.

Yeah, they all live together happily

in their handy-dandy, air-tight plastic bag.

Aren't you afraid your little friends will suffocate?

Earth to Roy, they're just golf balls.

See, if I press the flaps together,

then the stripe turns orange

and I know that it's locked tight as a drum.

I'm not even looking and I can tell it's not orange.

So, let's agree right now. When we get to Turtle Shoals,

we'll go straight to the golf course

and skip the high-pressure sales pitch, okay?

Shut--Shut up, Roy! What sales pitch?

What is the big deal, Hackett?

We're gonna land in 20 minutes.

He'll find out then anyway.

Wait. I said, I said what sales pitch?

The condo sales pitch, Hackett.

Haven't you figured this out yet?

This whole thing is just a sales promotion.

Now, wait a minute.

You mean to tell me this whole thing isn't costing you a cent?

By Jove, you cracked the case, Sherlock.

Oh! That's great, Brian.

You know, the whole thing was a lie. "Payback weekend."

Some guy from Aruba.

Okay, okay, okay.

But it was the only way I could get you to take this vacation

which I think even you would admit you need desperately.

I just took a vacation.

You went to a symposium on wing de-icing in Teaneck, New Jersey.

Look, we have no intention of buying anything.

Oh, what are they gonna do if they catch us,

drive golf tees under our fingernails?

Don't ask me how, but I happen to know

that hurts like nobody's business.

Roy, I--I don't know, it still... It feels dishonest.

Hackett, let me explain something to you.

Most of the people that go to these things

are along for the free ride, just like us.

But we serve a purpose.

We make the place look so popular

that they can sucker the other dolts into actually buying.

Well, you know, if you look at it that way,

I guess we're actually doing them a favor. Yes.

Not to mention the fact that Golf Monthly rated it

one of the top ten courses on the Eastern Seaboard.

I like the way this man thinks! All right.

Okay, here's the deal.

When we get there, we drop off our bags,

we get onto the course,

and if we hustle we can squeeze in 36 holes today.

(WHOOPING) Fore!

Yeah, now you're talking! Now you're talking!

Okay. Hey, guys,

I'm having a heck of a time gathering up these balls.

Gotcha, Lowell. Maybe this'll help.

LOWELL: Thank you.

Hey, Roy!

Roy!

Hurry up and get changed, will you?

Be lucky if we can get in nine holes as it is.

Thanks to you.

How was I supposed to know they'd confiscate our clubs in the lobby

and herd us off to a three-hour sales presentation?

Four hours. Four hours!

Four hours, Brian.

It made me nostalgic for that time I passed a kidney stone.

I apologize, okay? Yeah, okay, fine, yeah.

And while on the list of things you need to apologize for,

let's start with this room.

Four people in a one-room condo? How luxurious.

The guy lied to me over the phone!

He told me I was gonna get two of 'em!

What kind of knucklehead believes a timeshare salesman?

Hey! Were you guys as blown away

by that sales presentation as I was?

Just think, eight short months ago,

this was nothing but lush forest and wetland preserve.

I was so impressed, I'm actually considering

selling my boat and buying one of these condos.

Lowell, then you'd only have a place to live two weeks out of the year.

Yes, Joe, but I could do enough living in those two weeks

to make up for the other 40.

How you look on the course

is just as important as how you play.

My guess is you do both equally well.

You can count on it. Now, let's hit the links.

We've wasted enough time here already.

Hey, uh, excuse me. I don't wanna hear another word out of you, okay?

You've been here twice.

Why didn't you tell us that the salesmen were gonna kidnap us?

Ah, must be some new policy.

Probably too many people scamming 'em.

Isn't that always the way?

A few free-loaders ruin it for the rest of us.

Looks like it's clouding up.

Oh, would you stop worrying, Joe!

This is the South. It's humid.

(RAIN POURING)

I've never seen it this humid.

TV ANNOUNCER: And in the Carolinas, Tropical Storm Dwayne

continues to pound the coastal areas.

Dwayne?

We are being pounded by a storm named Dwayne?

Whatever happened to giving these things

macho names like "Roy"?

Or appropriate names like "Brian."

Something that cuts a swath of misery and destruction

everywhere it goes.

BRIAN: Fore!

Ooh! That was a miracle shot!

Hackett's ball was wedged between

the toilet seat and the tank.

But he really blasted it out of there.

If he gets to the garbage disposal in one,

he has a chance of breaking par.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

That's it!

I've had enough.

I came 950 miles to play golf

and, damn it, that is what I intend to do.

Roy, you can't play golf in weather like this.

Well, you debutantes can stay in here

and enjoy your tea party.

Us real men are going out onto the golf course.

Lowell, you coming?

I'd really rather stay here at the tea party, Roy.

Ah, well, who needs you?

Uh, he'll be okay,

just as long as we don't get any...

(THUNDER CRACKING)

Whoa! Wow! You see that?

Roy's walking around on a wet fairway

carrying a bag full of lightning rods.

We gotta do something!

I am. I'm looking for Lowell's video camera.

There he is, he dove into a sand trap!

Hey, Roy! Get down!

Crawl on your belly this way!

Remember, lightning always strikes the highest point!

Keep your butt down, Roy! Keep your butt down!

You take those wet clothes off

before you set foot in this house, mister.

(COINS CLINKING) Michael row the boat ashore

Thank you.

Hallelujah

Thank you.

Michael row the boat ashore

Bless you.

Michael's been rowing that boat ashore

for two freaking days.

But he never really gets anywhere, does he?

He just keeps rowin' the boat,

rowin' the boat.

Oh, sure, the River Jordan's chilly and wide,

but it's a river. It ends.

Does this song? No!

The passengers seem to like it.

Of course they do.

They're all going somewhere. They only hear it once.

I don't know how you stand it, Fay.

I've found that aspirin helps.

Yeah, I tried that. I still have a headache.

Well, try putting them in your ears.

Iced tea, please. I'm taking five.

You sure I can't get you some lunch?

How about a nice big starchy meal

followed by a nap until closing?

Uh, just the tea. I'll eat after the gig.

I don't suppose you know another song?

Well, uh, I have been composing a new song

about my trip to America.

That might be a nice change.

Why don't you sing that for us?

Wow! My first request.

Ladies and gentlemen,

uh, I would like to slow things down a little bit.

Antonio comes to the USA

Hallelujah

Oh, this'll quit soon, it's just a drizzle.

They don't name drizzles, Joe.

Gentlemen, we have fire.

Just think, those words were first grunted

by primitive man 10,000 years ago.

Ouch!

I think a bug or something bit me on the back of my head.

Can you see anything, Brian?

Oh, God, is this depressing.

I'm actually bored enough to take a look.

(COUGHING)

You know...

LOWELL: Originally, fire provided not only heat,

but protection and community for our Neanderthal forebears.

We've come a long way since then.

Maybe not.

I'll be darned if I can find anything, Lowell,

but, uh, I don't think a trip to the dermatologist would be

a waste of your time.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

What is he using, a Waterpik?

That is definitely not a Waterpik.

(WHISTLING)

Roy, uh, what were you just doing in there?

Just mind your own business, Hackett.

I know what I need to get to sleep.

I used to be curious. Now, I'm just scared.

Okay, sleeping arrangements.

I figure since there's four of us

and only one bed, we could draw straws...

Oh! Too late.

JOE: Hey, Roy! Roy!

There's four of us. How come you get the bed?

You're right. I'm being selfish.

Somebody wanna share with me?

You and me, sofa bed.

Deal.

Oh, oh, Lowell. I'm sorry. Did you wanna...

No, you guys go ahead.

I'll just take the chaise lounge out here.

You're gonna sleep out in that?

Ah, it's under the overhang.

You forget, I live on a boat.

A little weather won't bother Lowell Mather.

Night.

(WIND HOWLING)

BRIAN: What's it doing out there?

Uh, the wind's freshening a bit.

(GROANING)

(ROY SNORING)

It just doesn't get any better than this.

He'll stop.

The trick is to get him to roll over without waking him up.

No, no, no. Let me do it.

This requires a certain amount of finesse.

(STOPS SNORING)

Nice shot! You hit him!

Try throwing a shoe at Roy and not hitting him.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

What was it?

It's hard to describe.

But it made my eyelids flap like a window shade.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, Joe.

You and I haven't slept in the same room

since we were kids, remember?

Oh, yeah, the bunk beds.

(LAUGHING) Yeah.

You in the top, me in the bottom.

(SNORING)

Dog in the hallway coughing up a chicken bone.

Brian, the sooner we go to sleep,

the sooner this day will be over.

You're saying a little cuddling's out of the question?

Good night.

(ROY SNORING)

(ALARM BEEPING)

JOE: What the hell is that?

Smoke alarm. Out of my way.

Nice follow through.

Lowell, did it occur to you to open the flue?

Yes, it did, Joe,

the minute I heard the smoke alarm.

All right, we've got to get the smoke out of here.

(COUGHING)

(SIGHING)

Lowell, quit sulking.

We don't care if you forgot to pack your bathtime buddies.

There is no way we are going back for 'em.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: Nevada-one-two-one-papa-papa, this is Nantucket Tower.

You're cleared for final approach.

Nevada-one-two-one- papa-papa, roger.

Thank God!

Made this approach thousands of times.

I've never been this anxious to touch down.

Ditto. I wanna get as far away from you people as I possibly can.

What's the difference, Roy?

We'd still be able to hear you snoring from the other side of the island.

I don't mind leaving the duck behind.

But when I think of some stranger

with his hands on Mr. Squishy,

it just tears me apart.

Oh, shut up, Lowell. Shut up!

Leave him alone, leave him alone.

I don't wanna leave... Why don't you shut up?

Don't you tell my brother to shut up!

I'll tell anybody... You're the one that got us into this, Hackett!

Everyone, shut up!

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: Nevada-one-two-one-papa-papa, go around, go around,

you're no longer cleared for landing.

Tower, what's the problem?

Some crazy woman is out on the runway

chasing after a man with a guitar.