Original subtitles

Mark, I've changed my mind.

Oh, don't be silly.

Just unpack.

Wait a minute.

I should first write my sister a note. She might be worried about me, huh?

You want her to know who you're here with?

About us? No, naturally not.

All right, then.

I want you so much.

That makes me so nervous.

Yeah.

Mark?

Huh?

Wouldn't you like to eat something?

But we just finished our dinner, didn't we?

It's funny, but lately I'm always hungry.

My sweetheart, before going to sleep at night, she mustn't eat so much.

It's bad for your figure.

You're right.

You get it.

My father said that not this bottle is for you.

Me?

Oh, Mark.

He looked at me so strangely. I wonder what he thinks of me.

Very likely that you're my wife.

Okay, put it down like a good girl. Take my clothing out. Give me the soap and

towel. Get our pajamas out.

Well, don't just stand around.

We're not children anymore.

You'll have to become used to this.

Don't you want to grow up now?

Sure is hot in here.

I need to freshen up a bit.

How about you?

Should I turn the fan on, dearest?

No.

It makes me very nervous.

Now come, take your clothes off. Stop playing hard to get.

Don't turn around, Mark, huh?

Okay, I won't turn around.

Tell me, do you like to go to bed with a novel?

Or someone who's read one.

Don't talk like that.

Outside of reading, I've no other love in my life.

Excepting you.

Can I turn around yet? No.

Then will you bring the darn bottle over?

No, but you might... Yes, dear, just bring it over here.

Like a shot?

No. Oh, just a little.

Thanks.

Mark? In college, I used to imagine what my husband would be like.

Yeah? And what you wish for?

And when our wedding day would be. And the honeymoon.

Do you...

Think it's old hat to have a honeymoon?

Honeymoon?

Excuses and reasons for a couple to go to a place for a vacation where once

they had relations?

Cheers.

Louie, Mark.

I wonder if I... If I misjudged.

Give me another drink.

all goosebumps.

Hey, come and go.

Mark, hear me out now.

Don't turn around, Mark.

What's wrong, Mark?

No, I can't play this scene.

No, no, I can't.

It stinks on ice. It makes me sick.

It revolts me to utter such speeches.

It's vulgar to make someone say such speeches. How vile this modern stuff is.

What's happened to plans for tomorrow today?

What is it?

What's happened?

What's going on here? What is it anyway? No, I won't do it.

What?

Oh, but Dinah, you just can't quit cold when the premiere is only a week off.

Just do the scene. Don't spoil it now.

The scene is right. We can't just change it.

Suddenly we have a prima donna. All right, Barbara, don't start to bait her

now. I can also stop her.

You gorgeous Dinah.

like mad that she will not play the role. She cannot.

I saw the touching way she kissed him, like a backer when his wife comes by.

Barbara.

Doctor. Yes, Mr. Greger.

Send someone down to water. We'll take a little breather. But no one's to go.

We'll make up our lost time later.

Yes, Mr. Greger.

Here, no one's to go. We'll make up our lost time later.

waiting for something like this.

He's going to take Dinah to the coffee shop and talk to her about the ins and

outs of life.

And I'm going to be right there listening.

I'll bet you think I'm a stagehand because I'm up here with all this

electrical equipment.

So do they down there.

And that's because I am in perfect stagehand disguise.

Come here.

I'm really George, the bellboy at the Happy Holiday Hotel next door.

But I'm not going to be a bellboy forever.

I'm taking a correspondence course.

How to be a detective and be popular with women.

My big ambition is to be the happy holiday hotel house detective.

But I have a problem.

A really good hotel detective has to know how to handle women.

And that's my problem.

Women scare me.

And most of all, bad women scare me. And you know how hotels are.

So I sneak in here in stagehand disguise every chance I get to learn how to

handle women from the director, Mr. Greger.

He knows everything about handling women.

And all there is to know about feminine behavior.

Come on with me.

You'll see what I mean.

Make us a cup of your fine coffee.

Why, with pleasure.

Miss Weaver, I don't have to hit around with an old dear such as you.

We'll only need ten minutes and five now. I understand.

No matter what. Mr. Gregor would ask I'd agree to take all the time you want.

It'll be only a few minutes Well

Dinah

What's all this what am I to do when an actress breaks up on stage in a scene

and then say she cannot even Imagine sleeping here before her marriage.

I beg your pardon spending a night with her lover

You cannot act that naive.

Is it so awful?

Ah, little child.

That makes for a wholesome attitude, but... It's vice, and I'm old-fashioned

and modest, frigid, a Puritan, just take your pick.

But I cannot play this role with Jerry.

Ah, so... Then you quarreled.

You better tell me what happened.

Better? We were as good as engaged.

And then last weekend, we were both free and Jerry made plans for us to go away.

We went to a secluded hotel and we were having a most wonderful time.

Then Jerry came to my room and announced that I owed him something.

And I told him I owed him nothing, that there were no strings attached to our

vacation. He tried every trick in the book to make me go to bed with him. He

even used that stale line if I really loved him. This was the way to prove it.

So I cut our weekend short.

Yes, but you said that you two were as good as engaged.

He wanted...

He volunteered to marry you.

But we were not yet married legally.

Sure, but Dinah... All right, I'll end up a confirmed spinster. My attitude

stems from before the Middle Ages.

My daughter, dear.

Oh, those olden days weren't all that virtuous.

They didn't have our fault. Ah, you are mistaken, my dear one.

The birth of Venus, or Aphrodite, if you prefer her Greek name.

There's the perfect example of what I mean.

Aphrodite was the goddess of pure love.

Well, that depends purely on your definition of pure.

Don't forget, the Greeks weren't exactly marriage conscious. They thought too

much of love to let a mere legal document stand in their way.

You are too cynical.

Love is more than just a signing of a piece of paper.

Marriage and love are synonymous.

You're deluding yourself, dear Dida. You can have marriage without love. And on

the other hand, you can have true love without marriage.

Are you implying that the Greeks led a double life?

The great orator Demosthenes put it this way.

Someone has to watch the house and rear the children. That's what wives are for.

Wives are for procreation and concubines for relaxation.

Oh, he even knows women way back to that old Greek, Venus, before she lost her

arms. Boy, the way he tells a story, you can just see it happening with him and

his actors playing the parts.

When he talks women...

They come to life.

In ancient Greece, the hetera were man's hobby.

Sort of a walking, do-it-yourself lovemaking kit?

The hetera you're sneering at now were the forerunners of emancipated women.

They were a strong political force and they had their own sort of guild or

union. I suppose that when they went out on a strike, they struck for longer

working hours.

No, they worked for the government.

The government?

Maybe that's the origin of the expression...

Politics breeds strange bedfellows.

Gregor, I don't believe all that.

I would have loved to have lived in those times.

She's probably the best one I've seen here.

Dear Helena, let's toast the housewife.

May she never equal us.

Not in spirit.

And not beg pardon in body.

Lovely, Felina.

You know me, dear.

I am potion.

I have often been your pleasured guest.

Now, surely, potion.

Ah, Portira, I've missed you.

I've missed you, too.

And this is Euphrodina, my daughter.

I want you to teach her all you know about being a woman.

And since she's not undeveloped, I'm sure she'll do her homework nicely. I

hear the end of Greece's reign draws near and warriors are coming with their

swords from Rome.

And in these trying times, being a Hittite is a good profession, so I've

given to understand.

Very well, then. Since she's your daughter, we'll do our best.

I've overstayed the hour. Make what there is to make of her.

Farewell.

My dear child, be brave, artful, and do all that your very fine

teachers want you to do.

Farewell.

Now, my dear child, what is your name?

My eldest named me Euphrodina.

Euphrodina, love.

Euphrodina, sweet.

Now let's see what's to be done here.

Uh-huh.

She's so thoroughly hidden under these ugly things that I wonder if a woman's

there. We'll see now after fixing her up if she fits the bill. I'll bet she's

mighty, mighty fetching.

Ah, my lovely child, the life of a hauteur is not so simple.

At first it's all effort and hardship.

Desire.

Desire, will you initiate this primitive infantile-like one until she understands

all the out and the in?

Out.

Now, pupil, a really good hetero wench I'm sure you'll never be.

You don't have enough going for you.

I knew your mother.

Maybe we'll start you in the chorus.

When we have our next fashion show or short drama where you won't be prominent

if we're busy and overflowing, and although you're new at this business of

loving, still we might, if we're nice, find you a man who's here on an errand

of love, and yes, so we.

Oh, for the love of Zeus, this maiden's still wearing her virgin's bow.

What do you want to do, scare our best clients away?

Must one dress immodestly in this house of love?

The older hetero don't. They have no need to.

But now an amateur where you shouldn't.

Give not, get not.

Oh, a type like you must make the best of impressions.

That is all I can do for her.

What? Hasn't she any talent?

When her talent's lacking, what can a man awaken?

But I fear she shows nothing.

You for dinner.

Take a few steps.

I gather, my lovely Felina, that in our craft there's a talent shortage problem.

If now it is short, how will it be in years to come, Worth?

Ah, there you are, Gardonius.

You know you've angered me by being here so late.

Are you mine, dear, or have you forgotten?

Calm yourself, Felina. And where else would I visit, dear? I had to meet my

sister and stay to supper.

Oh. Say, where has this lovely newcomer been?

Oh, some dumb thing without a home. The maiden has no warmth, no talent in her.

But, Gardonius, speak to me and tell me you're my true love.

Of course, of course.

Excuse me, please.

Gardonius is my name.

You've heard of me?

I think not.

There's lots to learn, then.

That's what my father says.

Oh, yes.

I hate these big shot of tears.

They believe they have a copyright on love. Whining's all they do here.

Huh. If I want, I could teach them something about love.

Beware, then.

I'll take you at your word.

Oh, no, it's madness.

But I will do it.

They'll both turn green with jealousy when I take off with their best

customer.

She goes with me, and no one else will do.

Well, that sure was quite a brief career.

Cardonius, can't you see she's gawky? She's so inexperienced. You prefer that

virgin to me.

No, I don't think that, no. She seems so housewife-ish. I'm going to take her for

my wedded spouse.

I'll bring her to my house, and in an hour I'll be back here with you. Wait

for me, beloved.

I see. Now that's a lot different.

How about that?

In those days, a girl couldn't trust her own father.

Can you imagine turning that good, innocent girl over to those professional

bad women?

Well, anyway, the good girl won.

Where did the bad girl win?

Well, the facts are, some girls are good, some girls are bad.

Hey, I gotta get back to work.

I gotta whip back to the switchboard at the colorful, happy holiday hotel.

I worked as a switchboard operator, bellboy, assistant janitor, janitor, and

elevator operator.

Of course, the elevator wasn't working for the last three years, but that was

okay because we used the elevator shaft as a large stall shower for the help.

But my big ambition was to someday be the Happy Holiday Hotel's house

detective.

Yes, ma'am. Thank you.

The hotel door was kicked in quickly.

There, before they could run or hide, were the five broad... borders.

Five broads.

Borders.

Happy holiday, hotel.

Yes, ma'am. Yes, yes. Yes, the bridal suite's available.

Yes. No, no, we don't require licenses. Yes. Thank you.

They were beautiful.

They had everything Borders should have.

Gorgeous eyes.

Ruby lips.

Rent. And the biggest pair of...

I knew I was on to something.

Madam, her girls, they can only add up to one thing, and it's not a boarding

school. I remained calm and continued as though things were perfectly normal.

make me nervous standing there with no clothes on.

Now, Mr. Jenkins, our most important customer is coming today, so I want you

all to look your best.

I'm told he can make or break girls in our profession.

I'm sure he'll make us, Madam Wimblepool.

I'm sure too, dear.

Girls in our profession?

Such women like to call their work a profession.

o'clock in the afternoon.

The evidence looked pretty conclusive.

Madam plus girls plus profession plus fancy panties equals room 229.

Some sort of racket was definitely going on.

Next step, find out exactly what.

We'd better get our laundry on before Madam comes.

Lulu, will you please hurry up and get ready?

Come on, girls, now. Hurry up.

Something wrong with your eye.

More mascara would do it, I think.

Okay, P.C., help her with her hair. It's terrible.

What I need is more efficiency from this organization.

More organization from this organization.

Jenkins will be here any minute. And nobody is ready.

I wish that things would arrive here.

Where is that bellboy?

Oh, what a silly place to leave a thing.

All right, girls, they're here. Let's hurry up.

All right, girls, they've arrived.

We'll help them pack this and we'll get them out.

How much time, girls?

Okay. Pee-pee, that's yours.

That'll look good on you. You keep the spotted one.

especially fond of silken, lacy underthings.

Such women are definitely...

It'll look good on you, sweetheart. You wear that one.

Fine. You see, that's yours.

You keep that one, Lulu.

No, it's the wrong shade for her. Get out that black one. You see it?

That's the one right.

Sweetheart, catch this. This is yours.

It has a black top that goes with it. Remember, it's very low slump.

What did my correspondence course say to do next?

You're on your own?

This was it.

Room 229.

Nest of vice and corruption and sex and nastiness and sex and evil and badness

and vex.

I ought to go right in there and break that up.

Was that close?

Well, what I was afraid of has finally happened.

Real, live, professional women at the Happy Holiday Hotel.

And I sure wasn't ready for them.

They scared me.

I'd better see what Mr. Gregor is doing to handle his problem.

Might help me with my problem.

Must we strip?

Yes, we must, yes.

We must, yes.

Can I eat dinner yet, Mr. Gregor?

No, Mr. Webber, only when the scene is perfect. Got it? Huh?

Nothing comes easy in this life.

Okay, ready?

In your places, please. Quiet!

Now, ready. Go.

He's from the school that personally delves into everything, eh?

Yes, for 12 years he's been trying to delve into me. I'll have you know in

private, naturally.

He is oversexed or under.

Stop it.

Barbara.

Hey, kids, hear this.

There was a day nurse and a child on the sidewalk with a kind of a hound. They're

out and they're promenading around.

No, I'm not about to admit that it's right for unmarried.

I'll withdraw gladly from the role right now. I'd like to let you out myself, but

I can't with just five days to the premiere.

Tell me, where have you found such unfortunate views on love?

And men and women and morals and I don't know what else.

You rave that decency and ethics are at a low ebb in the... 20th century.

Mr. Gregor, no smoking.

An ashtray!

Oh, what you've heard about knighthood and chivalry is all literary invention.

Good old days, huh?

Lots of luck.

You're just simple-minded if you believe that rot.

No, they weren't as fine as all that, those Middle Ages, believe me. Those coy

young maidens.

So true. And handsome men with them, no fear of battle.

Mr. Gregor, if you've an axe to grind with your conscience, please don't be so

bitter. At least not with me.

No matter what you say about chivalry. It's no different now than it was then.

Chivalry simply means that a husband helps his friend's wife out of her

clothing, better call it a jacket, and then goes back home and has his dear

wife help him out of his.

That is good. It's disgusting.

Not in the Middle Ages. They were happy, delightful, and joyous in those years.

No, Peter.

Well, Charlemagne had 300 wives.

Eight hundred wives.

Three hundred.

Eight hundred, that is so historically.

All right, Charlemagne had eight hundred wives.

And later the knights in office time had one.

One. One.

Eight hundred wives and one knight?

Five women and one bellboy. One house detective.

And this one was often left alone.

Well, there were the Crusades in those days. True, but most of the time was

spent in the field where life was a continuous round of hunting and

jousting.

You certainly can't object to a man testing his manhood. Ah, but when he

tested his manhood, he neglected to do it where his manhood would meet its

greatest test, in his own castle.

Well, the women must have understood.

Yes, of course.

She just idled away her time with other devices.

Before long, a figure in armor appeared.

Her husband came home.

No. A knight who was interested in a less violent form of jousting.

You're suggesting she was unfaithful?

Maybe not right away.

But when the knight and his shield-bearer went to the trouble of

bringing a snack, then a tete-a-tete was in order.

And I leave it to you, Dinah, if stone and mortar can be scaled.

What a mere flesh and blood.

This whole story's an invention.

Love, like necessity, your diner is the mother of invention.

And lo, the first elevator.

Step to the rear of the basket, please. First floor, ladies, lingerie, ladies,

bed linen, ladies, perfume, ladies, um... Ladies what?

Just ladies, period.

There now. A little more to the side. Careful with that hand.

There. Like this.

All right now. Now, now. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Eric. My sword. My sword. Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

A breast is poised to hold him tight.

His passion mounts. His blood gets warmer.

His heart's aglow and burning bright.

He's also hot inside his armor.

Were my husband to come, I'd be embarrassed.

My shield-bearer will notify us of any danger, and I'll defend your honor if

your husband comes.

And should he come, I promise you, and my honor, I'll fight him with his sword.

With my sword?

Knucklehead sword.

I vow, with my sword, will I always honor your fair name, dear. That is

good. As you want your sword, oh, darling knight.

So I want my honor.

Might your husband come, dearest?

I doubt it.

For where he is, he's bound to stay a while.

What a swine of a husband, who'd leave his wife so helpless and lonely.

My wife Dinah's in my abode with guards, and she is never unprotected.

That's how I left her before stealing off here.

Take all that armor off.

And do it quickly.

I hope you're as strong as that iron in my boudoir.

But that is not so easy. It is very strong. It was made special.

It's hand-hammered.

That's enough now.

Just show me how much you love me. Come and show me if you really come from the

stock here as a maid of.

I think that every castle and every woman has a core that is weak. And it

fills my heart with joy.

Divide and you will conquer. My sword, I love you so.

Keep. talking and you won't get the chance.

Yes, yes, yes.

That's right. Wait a minute.

Damn it. It seems like the night air turned my suit to rust.

It seems you might be rusty, too.

Oh, that's my man.

What is it?

Someone coming?

Speak up!

Yeah, can I go and eat now?

No, not now.

Must you always think of eating in the midst of lovemaking?

Love's hard to make with armor on, sir.

Oh, to rust at such a time as this. It is no friend of love. Were I to do it

again, I would have been a monk for sure.

Their habits are so easy to take off.

That'll teach you to wear iron underclothes when you call on a damsel.

Can I help it if my meal's rusty?

My lord?

What?

A man comes.

Shame. Ah, but now it's too late.

Back in the basket so my husband won't catch you. Quick now. See you don't run

into each other. Let him come. The way to my abode is remote off the beaten

track.

Ah, that's the road he's coming on, dear.

Just ask your wife what he does with his rusty mail.

What's up?

What's up? What's up?

How dare you take advantage of my wife? You son of an ogre, you.

You have disowned my wife. Dragged her name in the mud like a hill.

Sure. He's quite aware of rust, so... He left his armor here, gallant one.

All that you've told me, Mr. Gregor, sounds like your mind needs to be washed

out with soap.

Dinah?

Yes, what is it?

May I speak with you a moment? Oh, leave me alone. You're as awful as all the

rest.

Keep your kind words to yourself.

You laugh at all their dirty jokes and stories.

It's all Sodom and Gomorrah. You make me wish I was out of here.

Oh, no, no.

All right.

Do what you please.

You know, Jerry, women might look different, but underneath we're all the

same. You might do better and have more luck if you'd slap them around.

Yes, it's good for one of the weaker sex.

When man is hard and firm.

Well, anyhow, just treat her rough. She'll come begging you. Come off of it,

both of you. What do you think this is, a three-ring circus?

We are here to put a play on.

And not to coach maidens on the facts of life. Coach maidens on the facts of

life.

Those maidens in 229, they don't need any coaching. They already know the

facts of life.

But I don't.

So I have got to get inside that room.

And I think I know how.

Boy, if I make good on this, Mr. Happy Holiday, the owner of the Happy Holiday

Hotel, he'll have enough confidence in me to make me Happy Holiday Hotel house

detective.

I heard those girls talking, those girls in 229.

And they said they were expecting a Mr. Jenkins, a man.

So, I'll be a man.

Mr.

Jenkins, I presume.

Three o'clock in the afternoon.

Objective, room 229.

Reason, girls.

Situation? Andrette.

Best possibility to handle it?

Disguise. Thank you.

My girls will be down here in a minute.

Oh, they're all so excited at meeting you, and so will you be when you see

what we have for you. Oh, yes, we have the cutest little things.

Oh, dear, my girls are so charming. I'll bring them down now. Oh, if you see

anything you like, let me know right away, and you can take it with you.

This is Lulu.

Notice those trim lies.

That bulging top and that cute little bottom.

Very smart number.

You just throw it into your suitcase and you're off to the Italian Riviera or

Palm Springs.

Now I can arrange for this little number for only $9.98.

Including federal tax.

What a crime. What a shame.

$9.98.

What a slur on humanity.

What a buy.

And now we have BB.

We're having a special on this little number today.

Note that naughty look.

Daring. One of our best bedroom accessories.

22, 32, 68.

Extraordinary.

Of course, you realize you don't have to pick out just two or three.

You can take as many of them as you want.

You know, last week, we had a customer who bought 200.

And now, bonbon.

a remarkable two-piece outfit with strings that remove either piece at a

moment's notice.

Charming for Hollywood-type parties.

Jenkins, I had an appointment.

Jenkins?

Albert J., yeah.

Oh, very strange.

Oh,

but please, won't you come in? Yeah, please, come in.

Excuse me.

that for fast thinking my style is beginning to shape up i got inside the

room a good detective always works a

good

detective always works best from the inside but those girls are still hiding

something and i've got to uncover it

I've got to learn more about that kind of woman.

Where is the doctor, that troubleshooter?

Here I am. All right.

Mind you now, if you so much as ask me about eating just one more time, I warn

you I'll explode.

Well, I just can't win around here.

So, my dear performers, the role that was Dinah's will be played by Barbara.

Oh, no. Yes.

We'll begin with scene five where we left off. Take your positions.

Good. Just what I needed.

Now I'll find out from Mr. Gregor how to handle this kind of woman.

Barbara, you can take the script on stage.

I know the script.

Yes, but don't play it too realistically. Some things are still not

permitted. All right, please, let's go.

End places, make it better. Yes.

This is it.

Staying here long?

Good morning.

Good. Maybe longer.

I must ask about it now, you see.

This is my best room here, mister.

If you don't like it, say so. It's very good.

We'll be staying just tonight. What a nice place for sleeping.

That speech is not in the script.

I must want to stick to the damn script always.

Anyhow, I have another interpretation of the role.

Let's do it from the speech starting within college.

In college, I used to imagine what my darling husband would be like.

Oh? What did you wish for?

You know, a real man from head to toe.

And one old wedding day would be.

Now here, she takes her clothes off.

Good bit with the fan, huh?

Now, the words here are just gab that stretches it. I'd slowly walk toward

him, and then I'd grab him.

You're freezing, Mark.

It's shocking.

What do you mean, shocking?

Oh, can't you see that's what the public wants? We'll really kill them. I think

we must get some laughs in there.

It will come across much better.

Along the comedy line, and from an erotic standpoint, I think she's right.

No. So now it's a comedy, huh?

My dear underlings, you're confusing emotion which is truly erotic with sex.

Erotic comes from eros. That's love.

And sex comes from coarse instincts that attempts to bring errors down to its low

level. And you're doing much the same thing here, Barbara.

Oh, how sensitive, my dearest Gregor. Preach on love and emotion. That's my

topic. On these points, I'm an expert. Believe me, my dear.

Oh, what does this prove? Well, they're already got it moralizing done to

everyone around here anyway.

With a child, we're stuck.

She should read fairy tales, not adult lines.

Declaring how in those days all was so wonderful. How saintly they were.

With love for each other so reliable and... So blemishless, odorless,

sinless, and sexless, huh?

Dinah.

Dinah. Yes?

Oh, out of my way.

Dinah, you see that no one else can do this role properly, so please get a hold

of yourself and stop this childishness.

Good. If you wish it. Okay, now.

Cass, we'll take it from where Doc comes in, and where's the doctor?

Here. Uh, the bottle?

Uh, bring it.

You know what I mean? Jerry, take it, my sweetheart, before going to sleep.

From that moment on.

My sweetheart before going. Yes.

My sweetheart before going to sleep at night, you mustn't eat so much.

It's bad for your figure.

You're right. I've been awful.

Naturally, you've been awful. Now either play this or don't play this.

Must you make morons out of everybody?

Gregor was such a steel girdle virgin, I'd just choke up.

They bicker and we sit on our rumps and twiddle our thumbs. How they carry on.

If I'm late, my wife will raise Katie. I've had it up to here, my friend.

My dear actors, I want to do this scene with my battling leads privately, so

take a little break. Why don't you go and eat in the canteen?

Why? I just came back from eating.

I ain't full.

Can't I stay right here?

I said go eat!

But listen, no, no, no, no.

I have a lot of work I have to do yet.

Nothing comes easy in this life.

Dinah doesn't give up.

The director doesn't give up. And I can't give up either. Or else Mr.

Holiday will never have enough confidence in me to make me happy

holiday hotel house detective.

I've got to move.

Get on the inside again.

Get the evidence. Then act.

Four in the afternoon.

Still no concrete evidence of activities in room 229. Next step, bug the room.

Disguise, telephone men.

Shut up.

Let's do it again.

Her body is hidden by all the sun.

Okay. Camera ready?

Off come the clothes.

Good.

Now, into the top.

They were shooting movies in there.

The kind I always used to hear the older guys talk about.

Help!

My correspondence course in detective work had taught me what to do, so I did

it.

Yes? Telephone man, ma'am. Ma'am, ma'am. Well, I didn't call for a telephone man.

Oh, well, then something must be wrong with your phone. One second now. What is

the meaning of this?

No meeting, ma'am. Just facts. What facts? What's going on in that room?

What's the angle here? What's the deal? What's happening?

What's your telephone number?

Why, it's Temple Bar 12.

What do you want to know my telephone number for? Bring the telephone, ma'am.

Oh, go away. I can't. Why?

You're standing on my foot.

I'm going in that room. Don't you dare. I'm going in. You will not go in. I'm

going in.

Oh, dear.

Oh, what do you want? I want to get out of here.

You're an evil woman.

that room.

Don't go in there.

Just as I thought you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Girly villains.

They shot me.

I could feel the warm blood trickling down my leg.

No, it's just my Hershey bar melting.

Never find out what's going on in room 229.

May never learn how to get along with women.

May even sluck my detective's correspondence course.

I may never be anything but a cowardly bellboy.

Quiet! What is that noise?

The set's as important to me as the cast is to you. We can't go on without

scenery. Just go to the canteen. Their food's sickening. Go someplace else.

Like where, then? Like where I don't give a damn. Just go.

Don't shout, Sue.

Come now, we'll make this scene work this time. I'll explain it clearly. Now,

both of the youngsters find themselves at last all alone.

They're curious about each other.

What now? What are you... Yeah, this should hang over the bed right about

here. That's what your stage manager told us. All right, put the painting up,

but be quick about it.

Oh, what a shame it is. You're putting up a Vasaglione.

Such purity over this bawdy house bed.

That I might have known. If some modern bedroom had this kind of classic

painting, there'd be fewer divorces today.

In any case, it's not so really bad to look at now.

This is art in its purest form.

It was never meant to be lascivious or pornographic like you're suggesting.

And here we go again.

Gregor, calm yourself. Take it easy.

In just five days, we're opening.

Miss Weaver!

Yes? We're doing nothing. Will you bring some coffee?

Yes, Mr. Gregor.

Oh, you poor kid.

The Middle Ages, dearest Dinah, had an easy offhand, lightly modeled behavior.

In those days, everyone was tired of living in darkness.

They developed a craving for light, fresh air, and beauty.

The Renaissance plucked away the drab, form-hiding shrouds that passed for

clothing and rediscovered the marvel of the human body.

Mens sana in corpore sano.

A sound mind in a sound body.

As in ancient times, this emerged as the sought-after truth.

Then that's why the painters and sculptors turned their talents to

portraying the human body.

Man was the model, but the gods were the ideal.

Venus, Mars, Cupid.

Not exactly.

It was man alone, in all his unadorned naturalness, whom they wanted to reveal.

They got around convention by claiming their efforts to be gods and goddesses.

But when viewed more closely, they all look unmistakably mortal.

How shameful to be so unashamed. But why, Dinah?

Once the beauty of the human body had been rediscovered... Don't you mean re

-uncovered? Have it your way.

But people began to take better care of their principal, uh, assets.

Bathing became fashionable.

Friends met for baths as we do for lunch and dinner. It gave them an entirely new

outlook on life.

And put some life in their looking.

The royal order of peeping toms.

And the wine, women, and song played on. I can understand about the men, but what

of the women?

Were they all of such loose character and easy virtue?

Ah, but there was no such thing as easy virtue diner.

Virtue came very, very hard.

In fact, it was practically unattainable.

Now you're twisting my words.

I meant, were all the women so willing to be led down the primrose path?

Why not?

As long as it was strewn with roses.

In the long run, it paid to be free with their favors.

You mean the chaste maid got tired of never being chaste?

Now you're entering into the spirit of things.

Yes, it was a battle of the sexes even then. And both sides were always anxious

to lay down their arms.

And when it came to capturing the enemy, I imagine it was every woman for

herself. Sort of girl gets boy, girl gets at boy, and then girl gets at girl

for getting boy.

I can't at this moment believe that our crow and our captain got married.

Yeah, yeah.

That crow is sure a mistress of her craft.

She's got a mattress full of gold.

Yeah.

Isn't that where she earned the gold?

And out her door there is no lock to keep on anyone.

He'll crow if he fathers anything. And if he fathers anything, I'll eat crow.

Come, everybody. Let's go see what they're doing inside.

Let's take a look and see if the captain is in command now.

Now let's let everyone get a good view.

You're just as bad as this mark on your plane. So full of selfishness and common

yearning. You're right. Naturally, we see differences between love and

marriage yesterday and today, but not very great ones.

The one grand difference was this, my dear. They had their love with some

finesse, eh? Today, there's much more earthiness.

You see finesse in their words and in their deeds. That's so.

Yes, but you're saying, my dear, that it doesn't exist at present.

Oh, I mean the finesse that's not offensive to approach any woman nicely,

not just me. That's good, Dinah, just great. Make it really personal.

This is what I mean.

A man and a woman wait for a streetcar to come along. Before she knows his

name, he asks her if she'd like to see his apartment.

Naturally, and she says yes.

Not me.

Yes, and a special van quickly gets her things and moves them over. And she pays

all the costs herself.

Children, why are you so nice to each other?

But don't you see I'm right?

Well, she may be right.

But I bet that Mr. Gregor's up to something.

But I'll have to come back later.

It's almost time for Mr. Holliday to phone in for my daily report.

Come, darling.

There was a time that stands out in the best age of France.

The great era of perfume and of mistresses, of courtesans, of

pathetic... Slave trade in women the age of first-class bordellos.

Just name it, they had it.

And they also had...

I've got to hear this.

If I don't learn about French women, I won't know all there is to know about

women.

Alain Triasprit, fantasy. I don't know why you say it's such a great era. They

didn't even watch.

They used perfume instead of soap. It was the most cosmetic conscious half

century in history.

Still, the women couldn't have been all they were painted to be. They were all

that and more.

The great courtesans of that era made the men who made history.

They took weak men and molded them into strong monarchs by keeping them engaged

in the boudoir rather than on the battlefield.

Suzette? Suzette?

Yes, madame?

Suzette, take this off my shoulders, please.

Yes, madame.

Oh, no, maestro, I can see it in your eyes. You don't want to do me with

clothes on. But I do, madame. Don't, don't. You're just being nice. I can see

it. These clothes are tasteless.

This faily stuff makes me feel like an Egyptian mummy in it.

Oh, I feel I'm so absolutely unattractive.

This way.

And you?

Don't you?

Yes, of course, of course. You're quite right.

I asked you a question, dear. Didn't you understand it?

No. Then why do I ever ask you anything?

I don't know that myself.

Oh, and just tell me this.

Why do you sit here and watch?

I want to keep you company, darling.

And that's about all you can do lately, Cad?

You have me all wrong. I'm not Superman.

With a woman like you, love's not just work.

It's a lifetime project.

Maestro. Madame.

Come, is this a good position? Naturally.

Naturally, madame.

You shouldn't be so free with your attractions. There's much too much

there. If you show your line to the layman, then he won't doubt what you've

got in stock.

But that makes her hip line too wide.

The maestro will not do a bust, my dear. He's doing a portrait, right?

Naturally. But I want to have a busty portrait and no more interference now.

Don't touch.

This is mine and you're against it. And you just stay out of it.

Don't say that, my love. Our contract has made some interest in your affairs.

Oh, forget it. Contracts are made to be broken. You know that.

It's a position in which I should not leave her. Would you, maestro?

Fear not.

She wishes her likeness to change history. And mind you, I kind of think

she'll make it. No, no, not that. Will you please shut up?

You don't know anything except about going to sleep.

This dress is shoddy. Come, Suzette, let's find another.

Yes, madame.

My present obligations are calling. Yes.

Germaine, Francois.

Oh, you charmer.

Bet you must have your arms full with that dragon.

Well, you might try it for yourself, dear one, if you'll come to my quarters.

I trusted you once.

I promise I'll be a much better behaved young man. Well, now, not all better.

Well, I don't know about that now.

She's coming.

Now, my Esther, I put on these pearls.

Madame, they become you more than they do the oyster.

Oh, the baron will be jubilant. The less apparel you have on, Madame, the more

money I learn for this portrait.

Who's that?

Yes, Madame. Stop getting out of line.

No, madame.

Perhaps you could lift your leg just a bit? Like this? Yeah, the shawl is just

a little bit out of line here.

Better? Why not shed the shawl? No, no, no, no.

Now then, let me see both hands over your face.

Master, you mustn't make me appear like a wheezing willow.

You may lower them again.

It's not right.

With the mouth going, I just can't do her.

Oh, master, I feel there's something irking you, but what can it... The

pearl. Beg pardon?

Yes, madame. Come take the pills off. Yes, madame.

The chemise can go also.

My diamonds, please.

Yes, madame.

For the brown, I will sacrifice all.

Madame, may I just say that when he sees you like this, he'll try to... Conquer

me? No.

Cover you.

Sir.

Dinah, I must make a decision about you in regard to the role that you're

playing. I hate to be formal, dear, but I must let you go.

But between us and privately, Dinah, I have the deepest respect for you.

Yes, yes, deepest, deepest.

Dinah. I beg you, forget all that's happened now.

It was my fault. Forget it, but play it.

If you'll allow me, I'll run down to the canteen, huh?

Because my mouth's as dry as a desert.

Let her go.

Fire her.

That director isn't fooling me.

He's being very clever.

He's going to let Jerry take care of things from now on.

If I didn't goof everything up all the time, Mr. Holliday'd have that kind of

confidence in me.

Mr. Holliday.

Mr. Holliday.

Mr. Holliday will fire me if I don't get back to that switchboard before he calls

in.

Yes, sir, Mr. Holliday.

Yes, sir, Mr. Holliday.

No, sir, Mr. Holliday. No.

I don't know what they're doing up there, sir.

But they're undressed.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, Mr. Holliday.

He wants me to take care of him.

Why don't you go over and play bingo with Mrs. Faversham, eh? I played bingo

with Mrs. Faversham last night.

Besides, she cheats. I want to see what's going on in 229. Oh, no, no, no.

I'll take care of it. I'll take care of it, Mrs. Weinrepp.

You're a good boy, George.

I'm going to recommend you to Mr. Holliday to be house detective.

Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Weinrepp.

Everyone has confidence in me.

Mrs. Weindriff has confidence in me.

Mr. Holliday has confidence in me.

Everyone... except me.

In matters of disguise, one cannot be too careful. There are eyes everywhere.

A good detective must always have a complete assortment of disguises at his

fingerprint and fingertips.

Lord Bromley of the British Consulate, no.

Movie gangster, no. The Mafia, no.

Possibly a high-class hotel doorman, no.

Beardless Beatnik, no.

Sergeant Renfrew of the Southwest Mounties, no.

I haven't.

Why didn't I think of it before?

Bellboy. Perfect disguise.

I keep forgetting there's no elevator in there.

Room

service.

Oh,

just room service.

Room service for anything?

You take care of it, George.

Take care of it. Care of it. Care of it.

I'll recommend you. I'll recommend you. Detective.

You're a coward, George. Detective.

A coward. A coward.

A coward. A coward.

Yes, yes.

You'll be the house detective, George.

Voila, Monsieur Room Service.

Come in.

Yes. Guess I'll go in and service the room. Thanks.

They were especially friendly, but they didn't fool me.

I could see right through them.

I could see through their clothes, too.

I noticed that they were playing poker, so very cleverly I let them believe I

had no money.

Sure enough, just as I planned, they suggested strip poker.

I agreed on the condition that deuces weren't wild.

I don't believe in wild deuces. I don't believe in wild women, either.

But here they were.

This was my big chance to unmask these girls for what they really were.

The bare facts were here, and it was up to me to get down to them.

Then it began.

I suggested they ante an article of clothing, a shoe. I was anxious to get

down to brass buckles, but it had to be a slow process.

Everything was falling into place like shapely parts of a jigsaw puzzle.

Red hot evidence.

The one on my left had an especially professional way of taking off her

stockings with a sort of knowing flip.

At the end.

She didn't learn that at nursery school.

The big question was, of course, how far would they go?

And if they went, would I be able to get the upper hand?

Apparently, there was a slight miscalculation in my plans.

A fly in the ointment, you might say.

They were after my clothes.

I told them it wouldn't be proper, my being in uniform and all.

You know, some people in uniform can't fight or drink. It's not patriotic.

Well, it's against the hotel rules for me to strip when in uniform.

It was no use.

They wanted me to strip, and I had to humor them.

What a sense of humor.

I wondered if Mr. Holiday really ever appreciated what I was going through for

him, and for the good, pure name of the Happy Holiday Hotel.

Fortunately, I had just finished a correspondence course in how to win at

poker and be popular with women.

I was sewing the game up.

The gleam in their eyes had a strange effect on me.

A strange, cold, hot, stinging sensation.

But a man in my business has to be immune to that sort of thing, or he has

no business being in that business.

More clothes came off.

More shoulders exposed.

It wouldn't be long.

It was a game of nerves.

There were a couple of good-looking nerves around there, too.

The odds were high, and there I was.

Eight, nine, ten.

Queen.

I had an inside straight going, and still I had my pants on.

My correspondence course had said, never bet on an inside straight unless the

game is fixed.

In which case, of course, it's a crooked straight.

But this game was on the up and up.

The odds were too high.

I couldn't do it.

I decided to retreat, to go back to my room and think of a new approach.

A new disguise.

But how could I do such a thing to poor, rich Mr. Holliday?

Sitting in his office, smoking his cigars, depending on me, on George, to

clean up his hotel.

This would be how Sherlock Holmes would have done it.

He would have stayed to the bitter end.

Clothes or no clothes, he would have solved this case pipe and mouth, naked

if need be.

A deuce.

And I had said no deuces wild.

What luck.

There was no turning back.

I had the distinct feeling it was getting hotter in that room.

The girls were very kind, though. They wanted me to take off more clothes so I

could be more comfortable, no doubt.

I had to be master of the situation.

I had to let them know who was wearing the pants. Well, who was wearing the

shorts in that room.

More clothes came off.

More shoulders revealed.

I say shoulders just in case these notes are ever public.

Actually, they were really...

Getting undressed.

It was embarrassing.

It was educational.

My shorts? No, no.

This was too much.

No, anything but my shorts. Well, not anything.

They didn't understand.

I'm shy.

I've always been shy. In high school, I used to take showers in my bathing suit.

Calmly, I stood up.

Told them I thought they were playing a nasty game and that they were nasty

girls. and that I wouldn't stand for any of it anymore.

They thought I was funny.

I didn't pay any attention to them.

I calmly picked up my pants and walked out.

Well, they outstripped me that time.

I don't know.

Do you think I'm ever going to learn how to handle women?

Ever going to become the happy holiday hotel house detective?

I have tried, and I have tried.

From everything I've learned from that director.

And everything from that detective correspondence course.

All I do is goof everything up.

But, Mr. Holliday, he did have confidence in me.

Now, why can't I have confidence in me?

Mr. Gregor, it's five o'clock. What? I know it. We're winding up. We must do

the scene here properly.

Or isn't that clear?

It is five o'clock. We must do what's proper and break it. We must? Who says

so? I prefer working.

No, the guild will not allow us to work night.

Mr. Gregor, we observe the rules always.

Well, if that guild of yours won't allow it, then our day has reached an end. Our

girl will never know the facts of life, and I bet we could have succeeded in

persuading her.

He hasn't taught me those facts yet either.

What am I going to do now?

There's no 5 o'clock curfew in room 229.

Well, I'm on my own. Just have to be brave.

I'm not scared anymore.

I just may be able to do it.

I'll whip back to the Happy Holiday Hotel, then stall for time, and develop

my next clever move.

Mr. Happy.

I'm Mr. Holiday. No, I'll tell you.

You see, it's like this, sir.

I don't like to hear that, George.

No, sir.

I mean, yes, sir. I expect it will all be cleaned up before I call you again,

George. There isn't much time.

Yes, sir.

A final move.

Rid the Happy Holiday Hotel of these tainted women.

Or lose my job.

Decision. My own fifth column.

Work from the inside.

Is this room 229?

Yes, it is. May I help you? Yes, you may.

Polly sent me.

Oh? Polly who?

Polly Schwartz. She runs another capacity down the street.

Oh, really? Did somebody order lunch? No, no, no.

She said I might get a job here.

Oh. Well, all right. Come in.

Put your special glasses on.

Who? And the madam.

Oh, the madam. Yes. Uh-huh. Well, just make yourself at home.

Thank you.

I'm a new girl.

I mean, the new girl. New girl.

Well, you know, you cannot be shy in our line of business.

Oh, of course not. A girl has to have enough confidence in herself to get out

there and sell. Get out there and sell, right.

And most important, she has to be loyal, courteous, and thrifty.

Oh, sounds like a boy scout to me.

Do you mind, please?

My girls are all good girls. Of course they are. They've just had unhappy

childhoods. And above all, they enjoy the work they're doing. Don't you,

girls?

As I said, they enjoy the work they're doing. And somehow the customers can

tell. I wonder how.

Well, it's a sort of osmosis. Oh.

Mr. Jenkins, our most important customer is coming here today. We'll try you out

then. Take off your clothes.

I thought there'd be a hitch.

My disguise wasn't complete enough for that. The only way to really get any

evidence, get them red-handed in the act.

What's your name?

George.

George? How interesting.

Yes, you see, my mother and father are from the old country. They didn't know

the difference.

Between a boy's and a girl's name?

No, between a boy and a girl's.

Well, George just won't do.

We have to find something, something exotic, like... Name, Paris.

Fru, fru.

Hi. Hi, girls.

Now,

what will happen is this. You will parade in front of Mr. Jenkins, and he

will pick out what he wants.

And, oh, well, girls, you explain to her.

And hurry and get rid of all these things before Mr. Jenkins arrives.

What a situation.

What a predicament.

What a problem.

What a man this Mr. Jenkins must be. He was here this morning.

Here. Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, put it on.

Just put it on.

All right, if you think so.

Uh, where?

You know, I certainly hope I do make good in the big city.

Everyone is trying to help me so hard, and I've got to please so many people

back home. There's Ma, and there's Pa, and there's Uncle Zeke, and then there's

my beau, Tommy.

He's the beau next door.

Say, what kind of a man is Mr.

James? I don't want to get into any trouble in this house.

Now, I've been told and warned time and time again that this town is something

that I should stay away from. But I've always said that when a girl is pure of

heart, nothing can happen to her.

and I'm sure your company would love to carry it. Oh yes, we have an office in

Tijuana.

This is our polka dot model.

We call it, guess where the navel is.

Great for party games.

Each dot is hand applied.

Yes, yes.

Oh, really?

Now we have a new girl for you, Mr. Jenkins.

We call her Fru-Fru.

What is the meaning of this? I don't understand. What are you trying to do,

ruin me? Keep speaking, please. Right into my reply there. I said, what are

you trying to... Stop being so silly.

And take off the robe.

Oh, no, you don't. Girls, take off the robe.

Hey, stop it.

I'm a girl. Stop it. Yes, yes.

I can explain everything to you.

Yeah, what is the meaning of this? You're pretty smart, huh?

I've been on this case since I was a bellboy. Ever since Tuesday.

I've got all the evidence.

Right here in my tape recorder.

Back. Up there.

Now let you move.

Let you move.

I told you not to move.

You're moving.

I told you not to move.

That's what leads me to where I am now.

An expert on women.

The ins and outs of women.

Their habits.

Eating another.

Their whims, their secrets, their moods.

And that's why I don't ever want to see another one again as long as I live.