Original subtitles

What the fuck?

Marnie, what the fuck? When did you get here?

Like 1:00 a.m. You were just asleep for, like, 13 hours.

How did you get in?

You think your country windows are secure downstairs? Think again.

What are you doing here?

- I would like to help you raise your baby. - Oh, Jesus Christ.

You're about to go through an incredibly intense, emotional,

tough but miraculous transition,

and I would like to be here to help and support you.

Well, this is just like Adam's pitch, and that didn't work out so great, so...

No, no, no, but see it's not, because I can admit

that I don't have, like, a lot of other things going on.

I'm currently living in my mom's home gym,

and my band broke up, but the thing is I still have a lot to give.

A lot. So, why not give it to you and this little angel?

I don't know, Marnie. This is just...

You think you have a lot of friends, right?

- Yeah. - Who's here?

- Depends on the day. - Elijah's not here.

Jessa sure as hell isn't here.

Adam isn't here. Shoshanna literally despises all of us.

Who's here?

I'm here.

I win.

I'm your best friend. I'm the best at being your friend.

I love you the most.

Okay.

Yeah?

Yeah, okay.

Fuck, yeah!

Are you sure this isn't too cold for him?

It's okay, Grovie. It's okay.

No, he's just fine.

Okay, and you disinfect the scale between babies, right?

Okay, 13 pounds. That's a nice size. He's a nice size.

You're a nice size.

Okay, but he was closer to 10 when he was born,

so I'm just a little confused.

Babies will often lose 10% of their birth weight in the first few weeks.

It's nothing to be concerned about, as long as he's feeding normally.

Oh, no, he's eating. He's eating all the time.

- Breast milk or formula? - It's okay.

Is there a chance we could talk to Dr. Monoghan?

She's on vacation right now

looking at a waterfall with her family, and I'm not calling her.

It's just like she knows our whole story and she's met Grover and...

Would you want to be disturbed on your family vacation?

Well, it just depends on priorities, like, I write through my whole vacation.

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

He breastfed for six weeks, then he just, like, stopped.

Well, are you pumping?

Oh, my God. Yeah, I'm pumping so much, I'm like a soft-serve machine.

He just, he will only take it from the bottle.

Well, so long as he's getting it.

But is there like an issue with bonding? Like, isn't it important? Shh.

All right, listen. Breastfeeding is mysterious.

Sometimes it's a piece of cake,

and sometimes there's something, the chemistry, the fit, it's just off.

Um, well, I guess that's it.

Um, if you have any lollipops...

- Hey. - Hi.

- How did it go? - He was fine. It was good.

I mean, they say he's basically the perfect weight, so...

You are? That's so great.

That's like the greatest compliment a person can get.

Hi, baby. What'd he say about breastfeeding?

I mean, I don't trust that, like, temp doctor.

Yeah. Everyone here looks pretty fuckin' formula-fed to me.

Aunt Marnie's here.

Aunt Marnie's here.

He just made it sound like some babies never get the hang of it.

But you told him you've been pumping, right?

Yes, I told him I've been pumping, and I said I don't know how much longer I can do it.

I was like my nipples hurt. They feel like iguana skin.

But what am I gonna do when I start my job next month, like, tote a breast pump around?

What if there's a student I wanna fuck?

Promise me you're not gonna give up, okay?

There's a reason they call breast milk liquid gold.

Well, if you really felt like that,

I think you would agree to taste mine, so...

Hannah, you have to stop asking me to do that.

It's nice. It's like hemp milk or something.

Babies that are breastfed are less likely to get sick when they're little,

and also, they show higher cognitive function at an earlier age,

and I just saw a study that says that they snag higher paying jobs.

What about that doesn't sound great?

Well, I was never breastfed and I'm a dream and a ray of sunshine, so...

That's exactly my point. I was breastfed for two years.

Great, it seems like it worked out super great for you.

It did.

You've got a fast car

I want a ticket to anywhere

Maybe we make a deal

Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better

Marnie? Can you stop?

Starting from zero got nothing to lose

Maybe we'll make something

Me, myself I got nothing to prove

I'd love it if you'd stop singing and so would Grover. He doesn't like it.

I feel like you're both kidding, so I'm gonna keep going.

You've got a fast car I've got a plan to get us out of here

Marnie?

I've been working at a convenience store

I'm asking you to stop and I'm asking in a nice way.

Won't have to drive too far Just cross the border

Turn it off, okay? Turn it off!

Sorry.

Hey, little man.

Listen, I'm really sorry about before.

- I really don't want to talk about it. - Yeah, but we should talk about it.

You yelled at me for loving music. There's honestly nothing to talk about.

I love that you love music.

Come on, Grover.

Come on.

It's good.

There's a businessman who'd pay a lot of money to do this.

No, look, it's right here.

You don't have to cry 'cause it's right here.

No. You think you're the first man who rejected this?

Well, think again. You're not being very original.

You know what? You're being kind of a fuck-head.

You're being kind of a little bit of an asshole.

I don't know what to say to you.

Bless you.

And that is a swaddle.

Yeah. Yeah. Really good.

- Baby. Yeah. - Um, no.

Actually here, you can do it like this.

Here. Come on.

My favorite boy.

Hello.

Hi.

Oh, my little baby burrito.

Oh.

That's another way to do it.

Yeah.

Are you making an envelope with your nipple, Hannah?

Are you making an envelope with your nipple?

Do you even have a nipple, 'cause I've known you a long time

and I actually don't think I've seen it.

How the fuck do you make an envelope with your nipple anyway?

It's pronounced "envelope." Just, like, don't be so pretentious.

So, apparently you just fold it down from the base of the areola,

and then rather than pushing his face onto the breast,

just squeeze a little bit of milk out onto the tip of the nipple,

brush his lips across the nipple so that he decides to take it.

Okay, I need this to stop because A, it's fucking revolting,

and B, every time you say "nipple," a fairy dies.

Hannah, do not get stressed, especially when you're holding Grover.

He can sense it.

Cortisol and a million other super powerful hormones just flow through your body.

Somehow, you've just gotta stay centered, clear your head, stay present.

This is a sacred time.

So, now it's my fault? Like, my stress is repelling him?

Listen, he's hungry.

Let's just give him a bottle and then he'll, like, torture animals

and keep a room like in the movie Room. I don't care.

I think your sense of humor could be a very powerful tool during this journey.

Don't worry, Hannah.

He's gonna latch.

He did it for a whole month. He just forgot what was good for him.

- Didn't you, Grovito? - You know what?

Your, like, desire to be part of this is actually starting to feel really perverse.

I feel, like, very objectified and I just would like some privacy.

Oh, it says if you need assistance, you might ask someone to help press

by placing her fingers or thumbs on top of yours.

- Do you want me to come help? - Nope.

Nope. Nope, I don't.

Hello, information? I need to talk to Mr. Boat.

John Stamos has not aged a single day. It's insane.

And, like, why is this man a bachelor?

Hello?

How rude.

The question is, like, could the Olsen twins

have become fashion moguls without Full House,

or, like, is it what catapulted them?

So, I've been thinking, and I might want to go out tomorrow night.

There's a wine bar in Tivoli, I looked it up,

and there's gonna be, like, a live jazz trio playing.

- A live jazz trio? - Yeah, live.

Marnie, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.

The only thing grosser than a jazz trio would be like a jazz quadrangle.

This is empty, by the way.

But there's gonna be, like, flight of local cheeses and,

and then there's gonna be this, like, awesome Sonoma wine pairing.

I can learn about wine and...

Yeah, but there'd be, like, no way I could come with you.

No, yeah, just I would go.

So, I would just, like, stay here with Grover all night by myself?

Never mind. I'll just go another time.

Well, is it like a weekly thing? Like, if it happens, like, next week...

I don't know, Hannah.

If you really want cheese, we can buy cheese and, like, put on jazz.

I just, we don't have to go to a place.

He hates me. I don't know what to say.

I don't know what I did to him,

'cause I grew him in my body for nine months, but he hates me.

The guy at the ShopRite is more interested in my boobs than he is,

so why don't you just swaddle him, give him a bottle.

There's nothing I can even do for him anymore. I don't know what to say.

He hates me. I can't do anything.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Come here. Come here.

I'm sorry.

Hey.

It's almost 11:00 a.m.

Are you awake now, Hannah?

Oh, good morning.

Grover's been awake for almost three hours.

Oh.

Sweetie, you're leaking.

Little man, little man.

- You called my mom? - Yeah, I did.

You called my mother and you told her to come here?

Yeah, Hannah. You're having a really hard time

and I just thought it would be helpful for you to have her.

Well, it's not helpful. Remember last time all she did was

complain about how unfair the judging process on The Voice is?

She's not helpful. She makes things harder for me.

Okay, well, then I didn't call her here for you.

I called her here for me. I wanted some help.

This is above my pay grade. I'm doing my best.

I'm reading all the books, but honestly, it's too much.

And you're not even acting that mature.

You begged to come here.

You wanted to be here with me and help me,

and now it's not matching up to what you imagined,

which was, like, that it would be a Laura Ashley catalog

or like a fun, zany sitcom starring Brittany Snow

and the rest of the cast of Pitch Perfect just carrying a cute little baby.

Okay? I'm sorry we didn't make any jam.

I'm sorry you didn't meet, like, a hot woodworker, but this is reality.

It's happening now, and you suck at it, okay?

You're doing a bad job,

and the reason you are is 'cause you're the immature one, so check that out!

All right, Ghostbuster.

What?

I don't know when my vagina and my butthole are gonna start to feel like

two separate entities again, but I'm really looking forward to that.

Honey, this'll all be over soon. It'll be like a blip.

Things'll get so much harder, you won't even remember this part.

God, I hope you're right.

Listen Hannah, when I had you, I couldn't breastfeed.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get you to latch on,

and my nipples both inverted, and it hurt like fire in my tits.

- Really? - Mmm-hmm.

Obviously, your father was no help at all.

He's scared enough of breasts as is.

And all these women in my campus mothering circle were so judgmental,

and it was the 80s, you know?

All these cunts in linen pants who were so pleased not to be using formula.

You know, I was raised on formula.

Nice, post-war formula.

What's the fucking problem? You turned out fine.

Yeah, but don't you get it? I don't want him to turn out fine.

I want him to turn out better than fine. He's so beautiful.

- He's so much more beautiful than me. - He really is.

But honey, he'll be fine whether you use formula or milk or, you know...

Mom, don't you get it?

I'm mentally ill, I'm overweight,

I isolate people, I'm a quitter.

So, what if that's the kind of man that I raise?

What if that's the only kind of man I can raise?

That's not gonna happen.

And I'm still fucking bleeding from my vagina.

No one understands.

You think no one understands you?

Yeah, I do, because I made a very intense choice

to take this on all by myself, okay?

I decided to be brave and just go it alone.

Mom, I buckle my bra every day, okay?

But just do it for a second.

You know, and now it's like I can't even do

the most natural human process on Earth of feeding my child?

And Marnie acted like she was here to help me,

and now all she does... That's fine.

And now all she does is judge me and bully me, you know,

but she wouldn't if she knew what it was like to be rejected by your own child

like you've been rejected by every other fucking man in your life,

'cause let's face it, Grover fucking hates me.

You really upset Marnie, you know? She called me weeping.

I got on a plane at 5:00 a.m.

- I upset Marnie? - Yeah.

Well, maybe she should have thought a little more before she came out here to help,

considering that things might get pretty fucking intense, 'cause you know what, Mom?

I tend to get pretty fuckin' intense.

Yeah, well maybe she thought

- you'd act like a fucking grown up. - What?

You want to act like this whole thing was an accident,

like it happened to you, that's fine, Hannah, but that's not honest.

You made a choice to have this child, and guess what?

It's the first one you can't take back. You can't get your tuition refunded.

You can't break the lease. You can't delete his phone number.

Your son is not a temp job. He's not Adam.

This is it, honey, and this is forever.

Stop following me!

And why are you judging me and putting words in my mouth?

Why are you judging me?

Because you just said your baby hates you,

and that is the most moronic thing I have ever heard.

He doesn't hate you. He doesn't hate anybody.

He's a goddamn baby, and you are all he has.

I don't understand why you're yelling at me when I'm in emotional pain.

Yeah, well, you know who else is in emotional pain?

- Who? - Fucking everyone!

For their whole lives!

Nobody said this was gonna be easy. Nobody guaranteed this would be fun.

You didn't sign a contract in the womb saying you were headed for Six Flags.

What are you making?

Bisquick, obviously, 'cause you have to add like 2,000 calories a day to your diet

if you're breastfeeding to do it successfully.

Hannah...

I don't understand, Mom. You didn't say it was gonna be this hard.

Have I made this look easy to you? No.

Have the last few years looked easy to you?

Maybe they would have if you'd chosen a husband

who wasn't gay and who actually loved you,

and then I would know what, like, a normal functional family looked like

and I wouldn't be up here with Marnie acting like that was normal. You know?

And this house would be a home and not just a fucking bunch of rooms.

So, thank you.

No, thank you, Hannah. Thank you so much for that.

- Thanks, baby girl. - Ow!

Oh, man.

Hey, are you okay?

I'm not a hooker!

No one said you were.

Sorry for trying to help!

God-fucking-damn it. Men are disgusting.

- Am I English? - No. Just me.

- No. - You're a pilot.

All right. I'm a pilot. Yeah.

We're just approaching cruising altitude.

Yeah.

Is everything okay back there, Shelly?

Yes, of... Except there's been a slight disturbance in the cabin.

Yes, I noticed that someone was ringing the assistance button.

Yes, 11 C has a problem with his,

his dick.

Oh.

Should I go help him with his dick?

- He's in 11 C. - Yes.

I think you should probably go back there and make sure he's all right.

Yes. Do you think I should use the oxygen mask on his dick?

Yeah, I think, I think you should,

and I think you should put it on him first before helping others around him out.

- Marnie, I think we're out of breast milk. - Yes, I've already told him that...

Shelly?

Excuse me.

Shelly? This is your captain speaking.

I'll be right there.

Okay.

Damn it.

Oh, I used the last bag of breast milk earlier,

so, we'll just have to wait till Hannah gets back.

Ugh.

I have no idea when she'll be back.

Yeah.

Motherhood seems to have had such an effect on her.

Yeah. I don't even know why we have that here.

Sorry, I walked in on you beating off.

No, you didn't.

Masturbating. Did I not catch you touching yourself?

No, you did not catch me touching myself.

Okay, Marnie. Sure, but, you know, I live alone.

- I ain't judging. - No, no, no, no, no.

It's just, it's not masturbating if you are video chatting with someone.

Who is he?

His name is Delvin.

Delvin P.

He's from Weehawken and he's a very nice personal trainer.

Hey.

Are you happy here?

With Hannah and Grover?

I mean, yeah, sure.

I don't need to be happy.

Why?

It's just not my time. This is important. Hannah's my best friend.

Has it ever occurred to you that the best thing for you

and your friendship would be if you were happy, too?

But Hannah and Grover can't do this by themselves. They need me.

Listen, I spent 30 years supporting my best friend.

You know, we even had a child together,

but mostly we just got angrier and angrier until all that was left was hate.

I hate my best friend now, and all because I didn't know how to let him go.

You know, these ingredients aren't even that bad.

You're a fucking monster!

Hey!

Are you okay?

Like, clearly no!

Okay, you can talk to me. It's okay. I'm safe. I'm a safe person.

- Do you have a phone, ma'am? - Ma'am?

No, I'm sorry. I don't have a cellphone on me right now.

Well, then what makes you a safe person?

I don't know. Look at me. I just am. What, what happened?

I ran away as fast as I could.

It was an emergency incident.

Okay, you cannot be out here without any shoes or pants. You just can't.

Well, I don't have any shoes or pants, so that's what's up.

Here, take these. Take these. Take these. Come on.

Come on.

Look, put 'em on.

Some jeans.

Here you go.

Thank you.

These are kinda big.

Well, yeah, they're big on me, too, obviously.

Just what happened? Can you tell me what happened?

I just need a phone so I can call my boyfriend Justin.

Would you like to come to my house and use the phone and call Justin?

Yeah. That would be good.

Thanks.

'Cause like Justin really, really worries when he can't locate me.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Come on.

Does your mom know where you are?

I'm sorry, this must be really hard.

Can you tell me about the incident? Do you feel unsafe?

Yeah.

My mom said I had to finish my history homework before I went to Justin's,

and I was like, "It's not due 'til Friday,"

and she was like, "Well, you're gonna finish it up right away,"

and I was like, "No," and I ran out.

And then what happened?

And then I was like, "If it's due on Friday,

"I'm not finishing it on Wednesday, and that's final!"

So, you ran away because your mom asked you to do your homework?

Yeah.

And Justin's gonna be at an away game tomorrow,

so I won't even get to see him.

- Okay, give me back my jeans. - What?

- I said give me back my jeans. - What the hell?

No, you said you were gonna help me.

Yeah, that's when I thought you were being,

like, fiddled with by your stepdad or something.

What?

Do you think your mom wants to tell you to do your homework?

No. But that's her entire job. That's her job in the world.

She has a million, trillion things she'd rather be doing,

things she might want to experience,

life things she hasn't enjoyed yet,

but she stays and tells you to do your homework

'cause it's what's fucking good for you.

What do you think your mom's gonna do when you get home?

I don't know.

Hug me, I guess?

Exactly, 'cause she loves you more than anything else in the world,

and she knows you're the most important thing,

even if it means being emotionally abused by a brat day in and day out.

Okay? She'll take care of you forever even if it means endless, endless pain!

So, give me back my jeans!

No. You psycho lady!

Oh, you run, you little harlot! Run as fast as you can, okay?

But life is gonna chase you.

It's gonna chase after you with problems you can't even imagine,

and I'd be chasing you too if my vagina wasn't so busted from having a baby.

So, go and just fuck the shit out of Justin!

Fuck him for me!

That's not how I meant that!

- You okay, ma'am? - Yeah, absolutely.

You live near here?

Yeah, just like, a little while that way.

So, uh, what brings you out here without pants and shoes?

Oh, I had a baby pretty recently, so...

Mmm. Sounds about right.

Well, why don't you get in the back of the car and I'll give you a ride home.

I'm really good. But thank you.

Just making sure you're getting home okay.

Just take your time.

I guess it's time for me to start figuring out what's next.

Any ideas?

A piece of me has always wanted to go to law school.

So boring.

No, I mean it's a start. It's a start.

It's mostly because I just love the idea of all the rules.

I fucking love rules.

Maybe you should be a judge.

Hmm.

I have this friend that's a judge. She is such a gas.

Judge Patricia DeMango.

She goes on five Christian Mingle dates a week.

- No way. - Yeah.

Spray tan, big diamond in her upper ear cartilage,

but she is a really good judge.

Mmm.

You get home safe now.

Thank you, Officer Schpoont.

- Hi. - Hi.

What happened to your pants?

You know, kinda what you'd think.

Thanks.

Where's Grover?

He's upstairs asleep in your room.

We gave him formula, and he liked it.

Good, thanks.

No, no, guys, I got it. I got it.

Shh.

Good.

That's good, Grover.

You got a fast car

I got a ticket to get us out of here

Okay.

I love you. I love you.

Got a bit of money, don't have to go too far

Okay.

It's okay.

Finally felt like I could be someone, be someone