Original subtitles

- Oh, look who's here.

Guys, I got to go, okay? I'm late.

- Okay. - I'll see you guys.

- All right, bye. - Bye.

- Bye, dad. - Bye.

I'm late.

- Yeah, ray, listen, ally drew this picture of our family,

And now she wants to put it up on the fridge.

- Yeah, so?

- Well, look at it.

There's ally and the twins,

And there's you and me,

And, look at your parents.

- Oh, she made them giants.

- Yeah.

- With sharp teeth and claws.

- Yeah, and they're attacking our house.

- Stop it, I'm showing him.

- No, this way. It goes this way.

- She's very perceptive.

- We can't put this on the fridge.

Your parents are going to see it.

- Do you like my picture, daddy?

- Um, yes, I do. I do, sweetie.

- Honey, how come you made grandma and grandpa

Look so scary?

- That's not grandma and grandpa.

Those are Halloween monsters.

- Oh. - Okay.

- Grandma and grandpa aren't monsters.

- Ah, youth. - Yup.

- Hi, I'm ray, and I live here in long island

With my wife debra,

My six-year-old daughter, and twin two-year-old boys.

All: Whee!

My parents...

Live across the street.

That's right.

That's right.

- They're gonna call it, man. There's no way.

There's no way they're gonna get it in.

- So none of these are real massages?

- Well, andy, why would a real masseuse

Have a black bar across her eyes?

- You know why? The black matches her whip.

- So all of this is sex?

- Yes, it's sex.

- Then these prices are very reasonable.

[phone rings]

- Press box.

Yeah, hold on one second.

Kevin, it's roy firestone.

- Ooh. Roy's calling.

- "ooh. Roy's calling.

"I'm on tv with roy.

Mmm, roy firestone."

- You're not a little jealous, are you, andy?

- No, I'm not jealous.

So kevin does the play-by-play for the mets,

And I'm just his humpbacked stat guy.

Well, you know what?

Without me, he wouldn't know what to say.

He'd open up his mouth, and meat would fall out.

- Thanks. Yep, I'll tell him now.

All right, roy.

Yeah! You know who that was?

That was roy freaking firestone.

- Did he ask you to a sleepover?

- You, my friend, are gonna be on tv.

- Me? What are you talking about?

- Harvey johnson's taking a vacation,

And roy wants you to fill in with us

On sportscall with roy firestone.

- Get out of here.

Come on, I don't--

I don't know tv.

I'm a sportswriter.

- Roy specifically asked for a newspaper guy

Or a chinese person.

- Wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait, that's a live tv show.

- It's 30 minutes.

Come on, it's the easiest money you ever made.

- Easier than the 40 bucks he got

When you couldn't do seven push-ups?

- It was ten, andy.

I couldn't do ten push-ups.

- It doesn't matter because you stopped after two.

- So you're in, right?

- I don't know. I got to--

Come on, I got to think it over.

- I got to let them know tonight, ray.

- Roy wants me?

Come on, he knows who I am.

- Everybody knows who you are.

You know sports, you --

You get to the heart, the poetry, that is sports.

- Oh, I'm having the stomach that is nauseous.

- You're sure he knows me.

- Yes! - He's read my stuff?

- He knows it all. Come on!

- But you think I'll do all right on there?

- You're gonna do great, man, come on.

- All right, I'll do it.

- Yeah, that's the man I know.

- Oh, man, I got to call debra.

- Yeah, look at you.

- Debra's gonna flip, man, when she hears this.

- Whoo! Tv big shot.

- Hi. Oh, hi, michael.

Michael answered the phone.

His first time. He's never done that.

- Huh, first time.

What is he, 14 now, ray?

- He's two.

Yeah, hi, it's daddy.

No, I know daddy's not home.

I'm daddy.

No, I'm daddy!

Yeah, I-- is mommy--

Hello?

No, don't go get daddy!

He dropped the phone.

Is somebody there?

Somebody there to pick up the phone?

Debra. I hear you, debra.

You're walking right by the phone now.

Look down.

Look down, debra!

I'm in the phone!

You know what my mother did?

She sent flyers out all over the neighborhood.

My father told everybody at the elks.

Give me-- give me some tips, man.

Tell me something.

- Just make love to the camera, ray.

Hey, what do you say, fellas?

- Hey, roy. - Good to see you.

- Hey, james, good to see you again.

- Ray, good to see you again.

- You all ready for the big show?

- I guess so.

I don't do tv much.

Ever.

First time.

Kind of got some butterflies going.

- Well, you know, I don't get the butterflies.

I just throw up before every live show.

- We're live in 30 seconds.

- Wait, I didn't throw up yet.

How do you sit?

Do you sit-- do you cross your legs much?

- I don't, but I can't.

- Okay, everybody, stand by.

In 5, 4, 3, 2...

- Listen, can I get-- - hello again, everybody.

I'm roy firestone,

And this is sportscall.

Our guest all this week

From the great laker championship team

Is mr. James worthy,

And as always,

The radio voice of the new york mets,

Mr. Kevin daniels.

Good to see you, kevin.

- Roy. James.

How are you, folks?

- And a brand-new face from newsday,

A fine columnist, mr. Ray barone.

Good to see you, ray.

- Howdy.

- Our subject tonight--

Athletes and steroids.

As you might know,

There's an increasing use of steroids

And, ray, you wrote a very interesting piece about that.

- Ahem, yes, I did, roy.

- Why don't you tell us about that, ray?

- Um...

It's a growing problem.

It's a growing problem.

Steroids is--

I'd say it's even--

It's gotten to be a bit of a...

- Epidemic?

- No, no, no,

It's not an epidemic. It's out of control.

It's kind of like a...

All: Epidemic.

- Yeah.

What they did was,

They took a group of olympic athletes,

And they axed them if using steroids

Would guarantee you a gold medal

But would also kill you in five years,

Would you still do it?

64% of them said yes.

- Wow, really?

- That's alarming.

- I really enjoyed the piece. A terrific piece.

You did a great job.

- Oh, thanks. Thanks, roy.

You know, when a program succeeds like that,

A lot of that stuff just gets swept right under the rug.

- Right. - Yeah, yeah.

And what's gonna happen is that

It's later that these kids are gonna realize that--

Oh, they've made a horrible mistake, you know?

They don't realize it at first...

[scratching amplified by microphone]

But what happens is, you know, they're sacrificing what once,

You know, was the ideal.

The ideal dream. The american dream, you know.

[voice obscured by scratching]

But I have to tell you this one thing...

- Hello.

- Hooray! - Yay! Yay!

- What are you doing? Come on.

- All right, come on, dad, cut it out.

- Great action shot!

- Oh, come on,

Let me be the first one to hug my big tv star.

Whoo! - It wasn't that good.

- Hey, frank, take a picture.

- Come on, come on, come on.

- They should give you the show.

You're better than that other guy.

- Kevin? - No, no, the other one,

The one who was acting like the boss.

- Roy firestone?

- You were the whole show!

- Come on.

- Now you got television.

Way to go.

- Frankly, I felt a little awkward there, you know.

- Oh, you'd never know.

- Here's james worthy listening to you talk.

- You took pictures of me on the television.

- Sure.

How often is my son on the tube?

- I was on when we busted john gotti.

- Yes, but you didn't have any lines, dear.

- So what did you think? - Oh, you were great.

What did they say at the show?

- Yeah, I think they liked me. - Yeah?

- Of course they liked you!

- It was like watching joe garagiola.

- Look, this one is roy smiling

At something I said right there.

- I remember when he did that.

Yeah, I saw that. That was great.

They like you.

- All right, all right, come on!

It's a tv show. That's all it is.

We could blow that one up.

That one could get blown up.

- Ray!

- Hey, I was just talking to kevin--

Ally drew another picture of our family,

And she still says that these monsters

Aren't your parents.

- All right, so maybe...

Maybe they're not.

- Ray, this one is bald,

And this one's carrying a covered dish.

Someday a therapist may want to see it.

Listen, I was just talking to kevin,

And harvey johnson's gonna be out again tomorrow,

So they want me to do the show again.

- Oh, I thought it was just a one-time deal.

- Yeah, well, things went pretty well there.

Everybody seemed to like it,

So I figured, hey, why not?

- Hey, great, great.

Yeah, that's really great.

- What?

- Nothing.

- Well, I mean, you're pursing your lips.

What's wrong?

- I'm not pursing.

- Puh-puh-puh!

- What? No, I just--

Okay, it's just...

Maybe before the next show, you could...

Just practice a few words

You kind of had just a little bit of trouble

Saying tonight.

- Like what-- - no, no, no.

Don't get so excited.

It is not a big deal.

- Come on, I'm gonna be on television.

- Okay, look.

"asterisk."

You were talking about some record

That had an asterisk next to it.

- Yeah? Yeah?

- Yeah. Asterisk.

- Well, come on. Asterix.

Asterix.

I said asterix on television!

- It's okay.

No, no, no, no, it's okay. Just...

Just...Asterisk.

- Asterix. - Asterisk.

- Asterix. - Aster--

- Oh, I know! Stop showing off!

- Sorry, sorry, sorry. You know what?

Maybe it would be easier if you just break it into two parts.

Aster, risk.

- Aster, risk.

- Asterisk.

- Asterix.

Ohh.

- You know, ray, nobody even cares.

Next time that word comes up, maybe just say...

Little star.

- What else? What else?

What other words?

- Well, I mean,

You're asking me, right?

- Yeah.

- You're asking me.

- Yeah, what are you doing?

I'm axing you.

Oh.

- Yeah. "ask."

Sometimes you say...

- Ax.

Ax.

Oh, man.

- No, no, no, honey, come on.

You just got to practice those words.

Just practice those words.

- Why?

Why didn't you tell me this?

You should've told me

The first time I axed you something.

- I never thought you were gonna be on television.

You know what we could do?

Let's put them all in a sentence.

Say, um, "I asked you to put the asterisk with the...

Cinnamon."

- Cinnamum?

Cinnamum. Cinnamum.

Oh, my god, I'm a monkey.

Did I say cinnamum on the show?

- No, no, no, no.

It's just a good thing to know

For when we're at the ihop.

"I asked you to put the asterisk with the cinnamon."

- I asked you... - Good. Good.

- To put the asterisk

With the cinnamum.

Cinnam--

All right, you know what?

No more ihop.

- Ray, it's--

It's just those couple of words, that's all.

We told you you were great on the show.

- Yeah, you told me. You told me.

- No, really, honey, you were terrific.

- Oh, don't, don't!

I'm sorry I axed.

- Hi.

- Oh, hi, dear. You hungry?

- No.

- Sit down. I'll make you a sandwich.

- Oh, ally gave you one of her paintings?

- Yeah.

Look how big we are

Compared to the rest of the family.

- Yeah, that's great.

You guys ever notice that I say certain words funny?

- What do you mean?

Like glockenspiel or tushy?

- Not funny words, dad.

Do I mispronounce words?

I'm just axing.

- No, I think you speak beautifully, dear.

Why?

What's wrong?

- Debra thought I had trouble on the show last night

With certain words.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.

It sounds like she's being a little nitpicky.

- Yeah?

So you really think I was all right last night?

- Yeah.

- Oh, good. Good,

'cause I'm gonna do it again tonight.

- They want you back?

- What does that mean?

- Nothing, it's just that we--

We thought it was over.

- So you did notice the words.

- Listen, you got bigger problems

Than your little words there.

- Like what?

- Like scratching the microphone.

Nobody could hear what the hell was going on.

- But at least the scratching

Kept him from waving his hands around

Like he was landing planes.

- The microphone was much worse. - No, no.

- It seemed like he'd never been on television before.

- He never has been on television before,

But he's had his hands his whole life.

- The microphone was much more annoying!

Ray, which is more annoying?

This....

Or this?

[imitates microphone crackling]

- I did that?

- Yeah. Now that you mention it,

Your voice was kind of monotonous.

- I didn't mention that.

- Well, you tended to drone on and on, dear.

- It was very off-putting.

- My god.

- You see? Like that.

Most people would say, "my god!"

You got to try and make your voice

Go up and down more,

High and low.

I would absolutely love

A nice dill pickle.

Pickle, marie.

- Oh, oh.

So let me get this straight, dad.

Everything you said after the show last night

Was a lie, and behind my back,

You've been talking about how bad I was.

You think I stunk.

You think I stunk!

- Oh, what difference does it make what we think?

They asked you back.

- But keep in mind some of the things we told you,

Because I got to see people during the day.

- Oh, my god. The supermarket.

You lie to me, and you do it so well.

How long has this been going on?

- Three weeks.

- Oh, my god, look at you.

Look at you. Oh, my god.

You've been lying to me my whole life, haven't you?

"oh, raymond, you're such a great writer,

You could've been writing poetry."

How about in high school, ma?

"oh, don't worry, ray, the girls,

They don't know what they're missing."

They knew!

They knew, and they didn't miss it.

How about this, ma?

Were you lying when you said,

Was the happiest day of our lives"?

- No, that's true, it was.

Don't eat that now, robert.

- What's going on?

- You know they've been lying to us our whole lives?

Any time they ever tried to make us feel good about ourselves.

- When did that happen to me?

- Oh, honey, I'm sure we lied to you plenty of times.

- You got to get your own place, man.

- Oh, don't be silly.

We love having you here.

- Oh, my god.

We told you you were a good writer

So that you would think you were a good writer, see?

Then somebody gave you a job.

That's what parents do.

They all lie to their kids for their own good.

- But other parents aren't lying, ma.

They believe in their children.

- No, they don't.

- All right, that's it.

That's it, okay?

No more lies, all right?

Don't help me anymore!

- That was good: High and low.

Use that on the show tonight.

- Oh, my god,

I can't believe I got to do a show now.

- You'll be wonderful, dear.

- Ma, please, no more lies!

- They say that because the pros can hit it so far

That they should lengthen the length of all the courses,

And, uh...

You know, I know I'm probably droning on here,

But, um...

But what about tradition?

There's always tradition and history and stuff,

And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,

I support the changes in baseball, but--

Look, let me ax-- ax--

Ask you something here.

Uh...

Shouldn't a sport sometimes should adopt--adapt--

Adapt and grow, but aren't there times

That a sport shouldn't adopt--adapt--

And, uh...

And not grow?

Probably not grow.

- Oh, hi, honey.

That didn't go very well, did it?

- Not your best moment there, raymond.

- What are you doing?

- We're being honest.

You said that's what you wanted.

- I could've eaten a box of alpha-bits

And crapped a better interview.

- Well, what did you think?

- Honey, I begged you to say "little star."

- It was even worse than last time.

- You made me hate tv.

- Want me to play it back for you, raymond?

- All right, all right.

All right, come on, I wanted you to be honest, but...

It couldn't have been all bad.

Dad, I made my voice go high and low like you said.

- That didn't work.

- What about my little steinbrenner joke?

- Wasn't funny.

It's not nice to hurt other people's feelings.

- Well, what about this?

- This is funny.

- All right, come on.

I mean, it could've been--

There had to be something there.

I was--

I sat there, and...

Come on.

Come on!

- I thought there were a lot of good things, ray.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Like, those other guys are so

Polished and professional,

And you were really, like, human.

All: Yeah.

- Yeah, but what about what I said, though?

I mean, did it make sense?

- Oh, yes. Yeah.

I got some of it.

- So I mean, it wasn't a total disaster?

- Ah, no. - Not what we meant at all.

- Well, how many total disasters are there?

- Ray, the fact that you could go on live television

With such little experience--

That really says a lot.

- You were great, dear.

- At least I tried it, right?

I mean, it's better.

It's better to try than to...

Not try.

- Yes!

[all talking at once]

- Okay!

Okay.

Thanks.

- Better than broadway.

- Okay.

All right, I got some makeup on.

I'm gonna take the makeup off,

And then I'll come back.

- Okay. Yeah.

You were so good, I bet they have you back on again.

I'm sure they will.

- It's all about you, raymond.

- Robert.

- Whew.

I don't think that was a total disaster.

[chuckles]

- Well, how many total disasters are there?