All language subtitles for The Comeback s01e13 Valerie Does Another Classic Leno

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:18,600 ( tone sounds ) 2 00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:20,900 WHAT DO YOU THINK, MICKEY? 3 00:00:20,900 --> 00:00:23,600 DRESS OR SUIT FOR MY BIG RETURN TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW"? 4 00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:26,800 I NEED TO EAT, RED. 5 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:28,567 WE'RE ALMOST THERE. 6 00:00:28,567 --> 00:00:30,400 CAN YOU HOLD OUT? WE'RE ALMOST AT NEIMANS. 7 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:31,834 THEY'VE GOT THAT SALAD WE LOVE. 8 00:00:31,834 --> 00:00:35,266 I'LL TRY, BUT YOU KNOW HOW I AM WHEN I'M HUNGRY. 9 00:00:35,266 --> 00:00:37,600 I'M SEVERELY HYPOGLYCEMIC. 10 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:41,200 ALL RIGHT NOW, MICKEY, DON'T THINK ABOUT IT. 11 00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:43,400 LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. 12 00:00:44,934 --> 00:00:47,633 I GOT YOUR INVITATION TO YOUR "COMEBACK" PARTY? 13 00:00:47,633 --> 00:00:49,567 - VERY FANCY. - YEAH. 14 00:00:49,567 --> 00:00:50,967 I'M TENTING THE WHOLE YARD. 15 00:00:50,967 --> 00:00:52,834 IT'S A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN PARTY THEME. 16 00:00:52,834 --> 00:00:54,834 - Mickey: FUN! - YEAH. 17 00:00:54,834 --> 00:00:57,367 IT'S NOT EVERY DAY YOUR SERIES DEBUTS. 18 00:00:59,734 --> 00:01:02,100 JANE, DID YOU GET YOUR INVITATION? 19 00:01:02,100 --> 00:01:05,300 Jane: YEAH. HOW'D YOU GET MY ADDRESS? 20 00:01:05,300 --> 00:01:08,533 IT WASN'T EASY. I HAD TO MAKE FOUR CALLS. 21 00:01:08,533 --> 00:01:11,700 I WANTED YOU TO GET YOUR OWN PERSONAL INVITE. 22 00:01:11,700 --> 00:01:16,033 NOT FROM STAR TO PRODUCER, BUT FROM VALERIE TO JANE. 23 00:01:16,033 --> 00:01:18,266 YOU KNOW, I JUST FEEL 24 00:01:18,266 --> 00:01:21,467 LIKE WE'VE REALLY GOTTEN REALLY CLOSE OVER THESE PAST 20 WEEKS. 25 00:01:21,467 --> 00:01:23,700 DON'T YOU, JANE? 26 00:01:23,700 --> 00:01:25,367 Jane: YEAH. 27 00:01:25,367 --> 00:01:26,834 YEAH, ME TOO. 28 00:01:26,834 --> 00:01:29,834 - COULD YOU KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD? - OH, NO, I AM. 29 00:01:29,834 --> 00:01:32,100 I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT TO NEIMANS. 30 00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:34,000 EVERYTHING'S STARTING TO SWIRL. 31 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:37,800 LET'S FIND A 7-11 AND GET YOU A BAG OF NUTS OR SOMETHING. 32 00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:43,166 Jeff: CAN YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT "THE COMEBACK" PREMIERE? 33 00:01:43,166 --> 00:01:46,667 WELL, I'M BESIDE MYSELF WITH-- 34 00:01:46,667 --> 00:01:50,100 I'M SORRY. I'M GONNA WAIT FOR JANE. 35 00:01:50,100 --> 00:01:52,500 I'M SURE YOU'RE VERY COMPETENT, 36 00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:54,600 BUT IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME. 37 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:56,967 Jeff: SHE WANTED US TO START WITHOUT HER. 38 00:01:56,967 --> 00:02:00,266 DID SHE? WELL, I'M GONNA WAIT. 39 00:02:00,266 --> 00:02:02,700 THANK YOU, I'M GONNA WAIT. MICKEY? 40 00:02:05,567 --> 00:02:07,600 ( whispers ) HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO OPEN UP 41 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:10,200 TO A MAN WHO SHOWS UP TODAY OUT OF NOWHERE? 42 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:14,567 JEFF? HE'S HERE EVERY TIME WE DO A STUDIO INTERVIEW. 43 00:02:14,567 --> 00:02:16,467 OH. 44 00:02:16,467 --> 00:02:19,233 I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO ANYONE IS 45 00:02:19,233 --> 00:02:21,467 WITH THESE LIGHTS SHINING IN MY EYES. 46 00:02:21,467 --> 00:02:23,200 - I CAN'T TELL. - Jeff: THERE'S JANE. 47 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,066 Jane: I'M HERE. SORRY I'M LATE. 48 00:02:25,066 --> 00:02:27,500 - I GOT HELD UP DOING ANOTHER INTERVIEW. - DID YOU? 49 00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:30,367 WHY WOULD YOU SCHEDULE ANOTHER INTERVIEW THE SAME TIME AS MINE? 50 00:02:30,367 --> 00:02:32,433 IT WAS THE ONLY TIME HE'D GIVE US. 51 00:02:32,433 --> 00:02:34,200 HE? WHO'S HE? 52 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:36,033 PAULIE G. 53 00:02:36,033 --> 00:02:39,400 YOU INTERVIEWED PAULIE G? 54 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:42,300 - WHY? WHY WOULD YOU? - JASON SILVER WANTED IT. 55 00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:43,967 AND HE AGREED? 56 00:02:43,967 --> 00:02:46,200 THEY GOT LAWYERS INVOLVED. 57 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:49,266 SO-- SO NOW? 58 00:02:49,266 --> 00:02:53,000 NOW IS WHEN THEY DECIDE TO FORCE HIM TO TALK ABOUT ME? 59 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,667 NOW, AFTER I PUNCHED HIM? 60 00:02:55,667 --> 00:02:58,033 AND YOU BROUGHT HIM DURING A HIATUS WEEK. 61 00:02:58,033 --> 00:03:00,467 I'M SURE HE WAS THRILLED ABOUT THAT. 62 00:03:00,467 --> 00:03:04,567 SO WHAT? DID HE TRASH ME? DID HE SAY BAD THINGS? 63 00:03:06,934 --> 00:03:09,600 YEAH, WELL, THAT'S FINE. 64 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,533 I WAS TRYING TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD 65 00:03:11,533 --> 00:03:13,767 BY NOT SAYING WHAT I REALLY THINK ABOUT HIM, 66 00:03:13,767 --> 00:03:16,200 BUT I NEED TO GO ON THE RECORD. 67 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:18,266 OKAY? I'M GONNA GO ON THE RECORD NOW. 68 00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:21,767 I TRIED EVERYTHING I COULD TO BE NICE TO HIM, 69 00:03:21,767 --> 00:03:24,133 BUT PAULIE G. HAS GOT IT OUT FOR ME. 70 00:03:24,133 --> 00:03:27,500 FROM THE MINUTE HE SAW ME HE HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT HURTFUL. 71 00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:30,233 HE IS ABUSIVE. HE IS THREATENING. 72 00:03:30,233 --> 00:03:31,500 HE'S A MONSTER. 73 00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:33,300 AND I HATE TO SAY THAT ABOUT ANYONE, 74 00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:35,934 I REALLY DO, BUT HE LEAVES ME NO CHOICE. 75 00:03:35,934 --> 00:03:38,033 HE HAS A PROBLEM 76 00:03:38,033 --> 00:03:41,800 WITH ACTRESSES OR SUCCESS OR SOMETHING. 77 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:45,133 MAYBE HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH A WOMAN HE DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH. 78 00:03:45,133 --> 00:03:47,233 I DON'T KNOW, I'M NOT A THERAPIST. 79 00:03:47,233 --> 00:03:50,834 ALL I KNOW IS THAT AFTER MONTHS AND MONTHS 80 00:03:50,834 --> 00:03:53,900 OF PERSONAL ATTACKS, YES, I HIT HIM. 81 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:59,967 BUT ONLY AFTER HE MADE A VERY PAINFUL REMARK ABOUT MY SCOLIOSIS. 82 00:03:59,967 --> 00:04:02,600 AND YES, I'M ASHAMED OF WHAT I DID, I AM. 83 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:06,533 BUT AFTER EVERYTHING HE DID TO ME HE HAD IT COMING. 84 00:04:09,533 --> 00:04:12,000 Jane: ANYTHING ELSE? 85 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:16,400 I GAVE HIM A FIRST SHOW GIFT FROM TIFFANY 86 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,567 AND HE NEVER EVEN ACKNOWLEDGED THAT HE RECEIVED IT. 87 00:04:21,834 --> 00:04:24,700 THERE, YEAH, I'M DONE. I'M DONE, JANE. 88 00:04:24,700 --> 00:04:26,834 YEAH. 89 00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:29,166 OKAY. 90 00:04:29,166 --> 00:04:31,166 HOW WAS THAT, MICKEY? 91 00:04:31,166 --> 00:04:33,567 ARE YOU SURE THAT WAS WISE? 92 00:04:33,567 --> 00:04:36,033 FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE. 93 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:39,600 We did have one night where-- 94 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:43,533 I don't know if you know this, but lions have sex for 10, 12 hours straight. 95 00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:47,033 - Tell me about it. - I swear to god. 96 00:04:49,033 --> 00:04:52,700 Cameron: Yeah, I know, so, they, uh... 97 00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:54,300 BILLY, THIS IS GOING OVER. 98 00:04:54,300 --> 00:04:56,500 THERE'S NOT GONNA BE ENOUGH TIME FOR ANOTHER GUEST. 99 00:04:56,500 --> 00:04:58,500 WELL, VAL, LET'S WAIT AND SEE. 100 00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:02,000 I'VE MADE A BIG DECISION, RED. 101 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:05,433 I'M BRINGING ROBERT TO YOUR CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN PARTY. 102 00:05:05,433 --> 00:05:07,033 THAT'S GREAT, MICKEY. 103 00:05:07,033 --> 00:05:09,233 WHO'S ROBERT? 104 00:05:09,233 --> 00:05:11,066 MY LOVER. 105 00:05:11,066 --> 00:05:14,633 I'M USING YOUR "COMEBACK" PARTY AS MY "COME OUT" PARTY. 106 00:05:14,633 --> 00:05:17,800 AND ALL THESE YEARS I'VE NEVER BROUGHT HIM TO A WORK FUNCTION 107 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,667 - AND I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME-- - MICKEY, PUT A PIN IN THAT. 108 00:05:20,667 --> 00:05:24,033 BILLY, SHE KEEPS TRYING TO WRAP IT UP AND HE KEEPS GOING. 109 00:05:24,033 --> 00:05:25,233 SO? 110 00:05:25,233 --> 00:05:28,567 HI. IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GOING LONG. 111 00:05:28,567 --> 00:05:31,333 - OH, NO. - NO WAY, ZOE, YOU CAN'T GO LONG. 112 00:05:31,333 --> 00:05:33,900 SHE'S HERE TO PLUG "THE COMEBACK" AND IT PREMIERES TOMORROW NIGHT. 113 00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:36,433 YEAH, I'M PLUGGING "THE COMEBACK" AND IT PREMIERES TOMORROW NIGHT. 114 00:05:36,433 --> 00:05:38,166 I KNOW, AND WE FEEL AWFUL. 115 00:05:38,166 --> 00:05:40,367 SO, WE'RE GONNA MAKE VALERIE JAY'S FIRST GUEST 116 00:05:40,367 --> 00:05:42,867 - THE NIGHT AFTER IT AIRS. - THE NIGHT AFTER? 117 00:05:42,867 --> 00:05:45,900 YES, EVERYONE WILL BE ALL BUZZED FROM HAVING SEEN THE SHOW 118 00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:47,900 AND YOU CAN TALK ABOUT THE REACTION. 119 00:05:47,900 --> 00:05:50,000 AND JAY WILL HAVE A LOT MORE TO SAY. 120 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:54,233 - IT'LL BE GREAT. - NOT AS GREAT AS TONIGHT. 121 00:05:54,233 --> 00:05:55,667 I'M SORRY. 122 00:05:55,667 --> 00:05:57,400 NO, I UNDERSTAND. I GET IT. 123 00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,100 YEAH, WHAT CAN YOU DO? 124 00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:03,033 YOU CAN'T GO OUT THERE AND GRAB A MOVIE STAR OFF THE COUCH BY HER HAIR. 125 00:06:03,033 --> 00:06:04,767 - ( all laugh ) - RIGHT? 126 00:06:04,767 --> 00:06:06,300 - NO. - NO. 127 00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:08,500 THANKS, DARLING. APPRECIATE IT. 128 00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:10,233 OKAY, GOOD. AWESOME. 129 00:06:10,233 --> 00:06:12,767 - I'LL SEE YOU THEN. - THANKS, ZOE. 130 00:06:13,867 --> 00:06:16,266 - FIRST GUEST. - MM-HMM. 131 00:06:16,266 --> 00:06:18,200 - THAT'S SOMETHING. - Billy: RIGHT. 132 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:20,300 - RIGHT? - Mickey: THAT'S GOOD. 133 00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:21,567 OKAY, WELL... 134 00:06:21,567 --> 00:06:23,734 COULDN'T HAVE WORKED OUT BETTER, YOU KNOW? 135 00:06:23,734 --> 00:06:26,000 I GOT TO REST. I HAD MY BATH. 136 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,600 I NEED ALL THOSE THINGS TO HAPPEN, IT SEEMS. 137 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:31,300 THAT'S THE TRUTH, YOU KNOW? 138 00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:34,734 - WELL, I BETTER RUN HOME AND CHANGE. - OKAY. 139 00:06:34,734 --> 00:06:37,734 - YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, RED. - THANK YOU. 140 00:06:37,734 --> 00:06:41,533 BACK IN A FLASH WITH ROBERT, MY LOVER. 141 00:06:41,533 --> 00:06:43,767 THAT'S RIGHT. 142 00:06:43,767 --> 00:06:45,767 OH, DID YOU GET THAT? 143 00:06:45,767 --> 00:06:47,100 THAT LOOKS SO GOOD. 144 00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:49,867 - ( door closes ) - I NEED TO WIRE YOU. 145 00:06:49,867 --> 00:06:51,734 OH, NO. 146 00:06:51,734 --> 00:06:54,533 NO! NO SMOKING IN THE HOUSE. 147 00:06:54,533 --> 00:06:56,667 NOT INSIDE. NOT INSIDE. 148 00:06:57,900 --> 00:07:00,100 WHY DON'T YOU GO PUT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW? 149 00:07:03,233 --> 00:07:05,767 - WANT TO HOLD ON TO THIS? - WELL... 150 00:07:09,967 --> 00:07:11,467 I DON'T... 151 00:07:11,467 --> 00:07:13,734 JANE? 152 00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:15,300 JANE? 153 00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:17,400 Jeff: HI, I'M STANDING IN FOR JANE. 154 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:20,433 JEFF FROM THE STUDIO. 155 00:07:20,433 --> 00:07:22,367 NO, I KNEW THAT. YEAH, SURE. 156 00:07:22,367 --> 00:07:25,500 - WHERE IS JANE? - SHE WASN'T FEELING WELL. SHE HAD TO GO HOME. 157 00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:28,200 OH, NO. WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER? WHAT IS IT? 158 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:31,700 I HAVE NO IDEA. SHE JUST CALLED ME TO COVER. 159 00:07:31,700 --> 00:07:35,500 OKAY, JEFF, LISTEN, JANE AND I DON'T LIKE THAT SOUND GUY. 160 00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:36,867 HE CREEPS US OUT. 161 00:07:36,867 --> 00:07:39,767 I DIDN'T KNOW. WE NEEDED EXTRA HELP TONIGHT, SO... 162 00:07:39,767 --> 00:07:42,533 YEAH, NO THAT'S-- I KNOW THAT. 163 00:07:42,533 --> 00:07:45,333 BUT JUST, YOU KNOW, NEVER AGAIN, HUH? EVER AGAIN. 164 00:07:45,333 --> 00:07:47,633 AND MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T SMOKE IN THE HOUSE. 165 00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,734 MARK AND I QUIT FIVE YEARS AGO 166 00:07:49,734 --> 00:07:51,700 AND THE SMELL MAKES US SICK. 167 00:07:51,700 --> 00:07:53,700 - YEAH YEAH. - ( keys jingling ) 168 00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:57,266 - MISS VAL, IT'S ME. - Valerie: OH, HELLO. 169 00:07:57,266 --> 00:08:00,433 - Esperanza: LOOK. - AW, GREAT! 170 00:08:00,433 --> 00:08:04,300 - LOOK AT THE CAMERA. - Valerie: THAT'S GREAT. COME ON IN. 171 00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:07,166 DON'T YOU ALL LOOK SO NICE? 172 00:08:07,166 --> 00:08:11,500 THIS IS ESPERANZA'S HUSBAND CARLOS. 173 00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:13,467 AND THE THREE GIRLS. 174 00:08:13,467 --> 00:08:16,400 WHY DON'T YOU ALL GO OUT AND ENJOY THE CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN? 175 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:19,300 Esperanza: I'LL BE WITH YOU LATER. 176 00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:24,066 THEY LOOK SO PRETTY. 177 00:08:24,066 --> 00:08:26,734 - THIS IS FOR YOU. - OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE. 178 00:08:26,734 --> 00:08:29,500 - THANK YOU. - GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR COMEBACK SHOW. 179 00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:31,533 AW. WHY DON'T YOU GO HAVE SOME FUN NOW? 180 00:08:31,533 --> 00:08:33,633 ( door closes ) 181 00:08:33,633 --> 00:08:35,633 I DID IT! I DID IT! 182 00:08:35,633 --> 00:08:38,100 - YOU DID IT YOURSELF? - YES. 183 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:40,200 I WAS GONNA DO YOU. 184 00:08:41,567 --> 00:08:44,400 I'LL GONNA PUT THIS AWAY. 185 00:08:45,700 --> 00:08:48,700 Valerie: YOU CAN USE PRETZELS OR THE GRAPES. 186 00:08:48,700 --> 00:08:51,233 - OR MARSHMALLOWS. - MARSHMALLOWS! 187 00:08:51,233 --> 00:08:53,233 I DON'T LIKE MARSHMALLOWS. 188 00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:54,567 WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO. 189 00:08:54,567 --> 00:08:57,433 THERE ARE NO RULES. HAVE FUN, THAT'S RIGHT. 190 00:08:58,433 --> 00:09:01,433 - HI, GIRLS. - HI. OH, HI. 191 00:09:01,433 --> 00:09:03,633 FRANCHESCA-- YOU'RE AT THE WRONG TABLE, KIDS. 192 00:09:03,633 --> 00:09:05,400 YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AT THAT TABLE. 193 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,300 YOU HAD PLACE CARDS AND EVERYTHING. 194 00:09:07,300 --> 00:09:09,600 THAT'S ALL RIGHT. YEAH, JUST MOVE OVER THERE. 195 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,900 CAREFUL, DON'T GET ME WITH THE CHOCOLATE. 196 00:09:11,900 --> 00:09:13,633 I'M GLAD YOU CAME. 197 00:09:13,633 --> 00:09:16,200 OH, GOOD. WE NEED MORE CLEAN PLATES OVER THERE 198 00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:18,266 'CAUSE THE GIRLS SAT THERE BY ACCIDENT. 199 00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:20,867 - GIGI, WELCOME. - HI! 200 00:09:20,867 --> 00:09:23,633 THANKS FOR INVITING ME. THIS IS SO FUN. 201 00:09:23,633 --> 00:09:26,834 YOU THINK THIS IS FUN, WAIT TILL YOU SEE THE CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN. 202 00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:28,800 OH, I SEE IT, BUT KEEP ME AWAY. 203 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,834 - I JUST STARTED ON THE ZONE. - GOOD FOR YOU! 204 00:09:31,834 --> 00:09:33,433 THAT'S WONDERFUL. 205 00:09:33,433 --> 00:09:36,967 WHAT WAS IT? THE DRESS RIPPING ON THE RED CARPET? 206 00:09:36,967 --> 00:09:39,000 UM, WELL... YEAH. 207 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,967 - YEAH, WELL, ONWARD AND UPWARD! - UH-HUH. 208 00:09:41,967 --> 00:09:45,300 I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY OF THE OTHER WRITERS HERE. 209 00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:49,000 SO WHAT HAPPENED? BIG BAD WOLF WOULDN'T LET THEM COME? 210 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,533 I DON'T-- I'M NOT-- 211 00:09:50,533 --> 00:09:52,834 - OH, THERE'S EDDIE! - HI, VAL. 212 00:09:52,834 --> 00:09:54,767 - HI, EDDIE. - THANKS FOR INVITING US. 213 00:09:54,767 --> 00:09:57,667 MY PLEASURE. OH, ESPERANZA. 214 00:09:57,667 --> 00:10:00,133 JUST PUT THOSE DOWN. 215 00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:02,066 PUT THOSE DOWN. ENJOY YOURSELF. 216 00:10:02,066 --> 00:10:04,500 YOU'RE A GUEST AT THE PARTY, NOT... 217 00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:07,934 - PETER, HOW IS IT? - AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH CHOCOLATE, BABY. 218 00:10:07,934 --> 00:10:10,667 ( laughs ) WELL PUT. 219 00:10:10,667 --> 00:10:12,166 REALLY GOING OVER BIG. 220 00:10:12,166 --> 00:10:14,734 - THE VIDEO GUY SAID WE'RE ALL READY TO GO. - GOOD. 221 00:10:14,734 --> 00:10:17,700 ( gasps ) OH, TOM, YOU CAME. 222 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,667 - OH, SO GLAD TO SEE YOU. - HEY. 223 00:10:19,667 --> 00:10:22,500 - YOU LOOK GREAT. REAL HEALTHY. - THANKS. 224 00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:24,600 THIS IS MY WIFE SARAH. 225 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,066 - HI. - HI. 226 00:10:26,066 --> 00:10:27,934 I FEEL LIKE I KNOW YOU. 227 00:10:27,934 --> 00:10:30,367 THIS IS SILLY. GIVE ME A HUG. 228 00:10:30,367 --> 00:10:32,400 ( laughs ) GOOD. GOOD. 229 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:34,433 - PRETTY PERFUME. - OH, THANK YOU. 230 00:10:34,433 --> 00:10:36,333 I MAKE IT MYSELF. 231 00:10:36,333 --> 00:10:39,667 IT'S FRANKINCENSE WITH A LITTLE PATCHOULI. 232 00:10:39,667 --> 00:10:41,900 IS IT? 233 00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:44,066 WOW, VAL, YOU REALLY WENT ALL OUT HERE. 234 00:10:44,066 --> 00:10:46,467 - THIS IS... - WELL, IT'S BIG NIGHT. 235 00:10:46,467 --> 00:10:49,500 BUT TOM, I'M SORRY, BUT I COULDN'T INVITE PAULIE. 236 00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:52,500 NOT AFTER THE INCIDENT. I JUST COULDN'T DO IT. 237 00:10:52,500 --> 00:10:54,133 DID YOU HEAR WHAT HAPPENED? 238 00:10:54,133 --> 00:10:57,066 - NO, WE DON'T TALK ABOUT WORK - NO, I DIDN'T. 239 00:10:57,066 --> 00:10:59,367 YEAH, NOW'S NOT THE TIME OR PLACE TO GET INTO IT. 240 00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:01,800 BUT HE MADE AN OFF-COLOR JOKE ABOUT THE ROD IN MY BACK. 241 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:03,667 I HAVE A ROD IN MY BACK. METAL ROD. 242 00:11:03,667 --> 00:11:06,233 SO, I LOST IT. I LOST IT, YOU KNOW? 243 00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:09,333 AND HE JUST WENT TOO FAR. JUST WENT TOO FAR. 244 00:11:09,333 --> 00:11:13,200 BUT DON'T WORRY, IT'S NOT GONNA STOP ME FROM CONTINUING 245 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,166 TO GIVE IT MY ALL AT "ROOM & BORED." 246 00:11:15,166 --> 00:11:17,300 IT WON'T, OKAY? SO DON'T WORRY. 247 00:11:17,300 --> 00:11:20,000 - ENJOY THE CHOCOLATE. - OH GOD, I LOVE CHOCOLATE! 248 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,867 THOSE CHOCOLATE FOUNTAINS ARE MAKING A HUM. 249 00:11:22,867 --> 00:11:25,533 WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? TURN IT OFF? 250 00:11:25,533 --> 00:11:27,800 IT'S A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN PARTY! 251 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,266 - YOU HAVE TO-- - LOOK WHO'S HERE! 252 00:11:30,266 --> 00:11:31,533 ROBERT! 253 00:11:31,533 --> 00:11:34,734 - CONGRATULATIONS, VAL. - THANK YOU, DOLL. 254 00:11:34,734 --> 00:11:37,233 AMERICA, THIS IS ROBERT FANZINI, 255 00:11:37,233 --> 00:11:39,300 AND WE'RE LOVERS. 256 00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:41,467 THERE YOU GO. ALL RIGHT. 257 00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:43,233 THAT'S DONE. 258 00:11:43,233 --> 00:11:46,266 LISTEN, EVERYONE, I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE! 259 00:11:46,266 --> 00:11:49,600 - ( applause ) - STOP STOP! 260 00:11:50,834 --> 00:11:52,600 NOT YET! 261 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,533 NOW, UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK, 262 00:11:55,533 --> 00:11:58,934 I HAVE A NEW REALITY SHOW CALLED "THE COMEBACK." 263 00:11:58,934 --> 00:12:00,700 MICKEY. 264 00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:03,800 I WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE HERE 265 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,400 FOR YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT. 266 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,934 AND I NEED TO GIVE AN EXTRA SPECIAL THANK YOU 267 00:12:07,934 --> 00:12:10,133 TO MY HUSBAND MARK 268 00:12:10,133 --> 00:12:12,467 AND MY PRODUCER JANE, 269 00:12:12,467 --> 00:12:14,934 WHO IS HOME SICK TONIGHT. 270 00:12:14,934 --> 00:12:18,133 BUT SHE'S WITH US IN SPIRIT. 271 00:12:18,133 --> 00:12:21,967 AND THERE IS NO TALKING DURING THE SHOW. 272 00:12:21,967 --> 00:12:23,500 ( all laugh ) 273 00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:25,700 SAVE IT FOR THE COMMERCIALS, ALL RIGHT? 274 00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:28,600 AND NOW, PLEASE ENJOY "THE COMEBACK"! 275 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:31,000 - ( applause ) - ( whistles ) 276 00:12:32,333 --> 00:12:35,667 OH! AND I'M ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW" TOMORROW! 277 00:12:40,867 --> 00:12:43,467 This is my comeback. 278 00:12:43,467 --> 00:12:45,100 ( applause ) 279 00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:47,600 ( theme music playing ) 280 00:12:50,834 --> 00:12:53,533 - THAT'S ADORABLE. - YEAH, IT'S FUNNY. 281 00:12:56,600 --> 00:13:00,533 Valerie's voice: Hollywood, the land of dreams. 282 00:13:00,533 --> 00:13:03,934 My name is Valerie Cherish and I'm an actress. 283 00:13:03,934 --> 00:13:07,834 10 years ago I starred in the hit sitcom "I'm It." 284 00:13:07,834 --> 00:13:11,033 Mark, I'm very fond of you. 285 00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:13,767 ( laughing ) 286 00:13:13,767 --> 00:13:16,066 Valerie's voice: Never thought I'd work again. 287 00:13:16,066 --> 00:13:18,100 - I NEVER SAID THAT. - WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 288 00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:21,300 MICKEY, YOU WERE THERE. I TOLD THEM I WOULDN'T SAY THAT, RIGHT? 289 00:13:23,233 --> 00:13:26,400 - I love Valerie Cherish. - AW, BABY GIRL. 290 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:27,900 I have ever since I was nine. 291 00:13:27,900 --> 00:13:31,533 I used to try and stay up past my bedtime to watch "I'm It." 292 00:13:31,533 --> 00:13:34,567 Valerie has been in the business forever. 293 00:13:34,567 --> 00:13:36,600 ( echoing ) Forever... 294 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:39,800 - Chris: When they told us who else was in the show... - ( screaming ) 295 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,300 - I was like, "Valerie what?" - Yeah, who's this has-been 296 00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:44,400 - with '80s hair? - VAL, THAT WAS THE FIRST DAY! 297 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:47,367 THAT'S ALL RIGHT, JESSE. EVERYONE, I'M FINE WITH IT. 298 00:13:47,367 --> 00:13:49,100 REALITY TV-- I WAS EXPECTING IT. 299 00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:51,567 BUT FOR THE RECORD, I ALWAYS THOUGHT I'D WORK AGAIN. 300 00:13:51,567 --> 00:13:53,834 IT'S OKAY, RED. WE ALL KNOW THAT. 301 00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:56,033 TRY NOT TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY. 302 00:13:56,033 --> 00:13:57,867 Valerie's a star. 303 00:13:57,867 --> 00:14:02,000 - I love being in an ensemble. - THAT'S TRUE! 304 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,367 Surround me with a great cast and I am in sitcom heaven. 305 00:14:05,367 --> 00:14:07,300 I love black. 306 00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:11,200 Everyone on the set knows I'm just wild about black. 307 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,133 Delicious! 308 00:14:13,133 --> 00:14:14,967 I WAS TALKING ABOUT HAIR COLOR! 309 00:14:14,967 --> 00:14:16,467 THAT'S OUT OF CONTEXT. 310 00:14:16,467 --> 00:14:18,667 Hey, Mickey, what's up? 311 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:23,467 ( Chris laughs ) 312 00:14:25,266 --> 00:14:27,867 And she's the perfect stepmom. 313 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,433 - Franchesca? Franchesca? - ( screaming ) 314 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:34,467 - Are you smoking? - Franchesca: Not anymore. 315 00:14:34,467 --> 00:14:36,467 Valerie: Don't throw it in the pool! 316 00:14:36,467 --> 00:14:38,033 Is that wine? 317 00:14:38,033 --> 00:14:40,166 Put your clothes on, all of you! 318 00:14:40,166 --> 00:14:42,200 THEY TAKE SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED ONE DAY 319 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,767 AND THEN THEY PLACE IT WHERE IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE. 320 00:14:44,767 --> 00:14:48,433 DO YOU THINK THEY'RE GONNA USE THAT THING I SAID ABOUT US DOING COKE? 321 00:14:48,433 --> 00:14:51,867 WHAT DOES IT MATTER NOW? YOU JUST DID. 322 00:14:53,333 --> 00:14:57,166 JEFF, THIS MEANS STOP. JANE KNOWS. 323 00:14:57,166 --> 00:14:59,567 What do I think of Valerie Cherish? 324 00:14:59,567 --> 00:15:01,000 UH-OH. HERE IT COMES. 325 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,433 CHILDREN AND THOSE WHO ARE WEAK AT HEART, 326 00:15:03,433 --> 00:15:05,567 YOU MIGHT WANT TO RUN FOR THE EXITS! 327 00:15:05,567 --> 00:15:07,233 NOT MY BIGGEST FAN HERE. 328 00:15:07,233 --> 00:15:09,166 DON'T WORRY. I'M READY FOR THIS. 329 00:15:09,166 --> 00:15:11,066 I AM. 330 00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:15,867 She's a terrific comedic actress. 331 00:15:15,867 --> 00:15:18,767 She's always very professional. 332 00:15:18,767 --> 00:15:20,800 We're lucky to have her on "Room & Bored." 333 00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:22,800 Paulie G. Has got it out for me. 334 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:26,367 From the first minute he saw me he has been nothing but hurtful. 335 00:15:26,367 --> 00:15:30,233 He is abusive. He is threatening. He's a monster. 336 00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:36,467 - ( crowd groans ) - ( Chris laughs ) 337 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:42,033 Yes, I hit him. But he had it coming. 338 00:15:42,033 --> 00:15:44,000 ( Valerie retches ) 339 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,767 He has a problem with actresses 340 00:15:46,767 --> 00:15:48,734 or success or something. 341 00:15:48,734 --> 00:15:52,233 Maybe he has a problem with a woman he doesn't want to have sex with. 342 00:15:53,700 --> 00:15:55,633 ( Paulie vomiting ) 343 00:15:58,433 --> 00:16:01,700 Valerie: Cut the cameras! Get them out of here! 344 00:16:02,567 --> 00:16:05,700 THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH. 345 00:16:07,867 --> 00:16:10,567 Mickey: Did you know that Mark was married before? 346 00:16:10,567 --> 00:16:14,834 When they got married, Franchesca wanted nothing to do with her. 347 00:16:14,834 --> 00:16:18,567 VAL, YOU CAN COME OUT. EVERYBODY'S GONE. 348 00:16:20,900 --> 00:16:23,734 VAL, OPEN THE DOOR. LET ME IN. 349 00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:26,700 Valerie: NO CAMERAS. 350 00:16:26,700 --> 00:16:28,934 JUST YOU. 351 00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:37,800 YOU'RE SMOKING? 352 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,533 I'M UPSET. 353 00:16:39,533 --> 00:16:41,633 GIVE ME A DRAG. 354 00:16:45,967 --> 00:16:48,266 - SEE THAT? SEE THAT? - YES. 355 00:16:48,266 --> 00:16:50,967 THEY MADE THAT ASSHOLE LOOK LIKE THE GOOD GUY 356 00:16:50,967 --> 00:16:52,433 AND I'M THE BAD GUY. 357 00:16:52,433 --> 00:16:54,400 HE'S THE BAD GUY, MARK. HE'S THE BAD GUY. 358 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,734 - GIVE ME ANOTHER... - GIVE ME ANOTHER DRAG. 359 00:16:56,734 --> 00:17:00,200 GET YOUR OWN. I STOLE THAT SOUND GUY'S PACK. 360 00:17:01,700 --> 00:17:03,500 OH, GOD. 361 00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:06,834 I KNEW THEY WOULD MANIPULATE THINGS, I KNEW THAT. 362 00:17:06,834 --> 00:17:08,333 I KNEW IT! 363 00:17:08,333 --> 00:17:10,100 BUT THEY CUT OUT EVERYTHING! 364 00:17:10,100 --> 00:17:13,500 EVERYTHING THAT HE'S BEEN PUTTING ME THROUGH FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS! 365 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:16,400 AND THEN THEY MADE IT THE CRAZY ACTRESS SHOW. 366 00:17:18,934 --> 00:17:22,066 HOW AM I GONNA SHOW MY FACE ON "LENO"? 367 00:17:22,066 --> 00:17:24,367 HOW AM I GONNA SHOW MY FACE ANYWHERE! 368 00:17:24,367 --> 00:17:27,967 AT LEAST THEY DIDN'T SHOW THE THING ABOUT US DOING COKE. 369 00:17:27,967 --> 00:17:30,367 NOT THIS WEEK, MARK! NOT THIS WEEK! 370 00:17:30,367 --> 00:17:33,200 WE'VE GOT 12 MORE WEEKS OF GOD KNOWS 371 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,767 WHAT KIND OF HUMILIATIONS IN STORE FOR US. 372 00:17:38,533 --> 00:17:42,000 AND JANE'S NOT SICK. SHE'S NOT SICK. SHE KNEW. 373 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:46,000 SHE KNEW. ALWAYS STANDING AROUND, NOT SAYING ANYTHING 374 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,367 WITH HER MEAN SPIDER EYES. 375 00:17:49,233 --> 00:17:51,233 YEAH! YEAH! 376 00:17:51,233 --> 00:17:54,333 - NO! NOT FAIR! - Mark: WHAT? 377 00:17:54,333 --> 00:17:56,567 THAT IS NOT FAIR! NO! 378 00:17:56,567 --> 00:17:59,200 HOW WOULD YOU ALL LIKE IT IF I CAME TO YOUR HOUSE 379 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:01,667 WITH A CAMERA AND SNUCK UP ON YOU, HUH? 380 00:18:01,667 --> 00:18:05,600 - Cameraman: THEY SAY KEEP FILMING. - NO, THAT'S FINE! 381 00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:09,467 - Mark: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR? - MY ADDRESS BOOK. 382 00:18:09,467 --> 00:18:11,100 HERE. 383 00:18:11,100 --> 00:18:14,333 OKAY, WHERE ARE YOU, SPIDER EYES? 384 00:18:14,333 --> 00:18:16,500 OKAY, YEAH. GOOD! 385 00:18:16,500 --> 00:18:20,533 YOU WANT TO DO A REALITY SHOW, LET'S DO A REALITY SHOW! 386 00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,000 LET'S DO ONE! 387 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,967 COME ON, JAKE! JEFF WHATEVER THE HELL YOUR NAME IS! 388 00:18:24,967 --> 00:18:27,066 - LET'S GO! - Mark: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 389 00:18:27,066 --> 00:18:29,934 I WANT BOTH CAMERAS WITH ME IN THE NAVIGATOR! 390 00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:33,000 Mark: DON'T DO THIS. YOU'RE TOO UPSET! 391 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,867 ( sighs ) CHRIST! 392 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:40,633 Jeff: COME ON, EVERYBODY, LET'S GET IN THE NAVIGATOR. 393 00:18:40,633 --> 00:18:42,834 COME ON, LET'S GO! 394 00:18:48,100 --> 00:18:50,233 IT'S UPSTAIRS? 395 00:19:02,533 --> 00:19:05,066 - Mark: VAL! - Valerie: LET'S SEE HOW SHE LIKES IT. 396 00:19:05,066 --> 00:19:07,800 GUYS, I NEED ONE OF YOU AT THE DOOR! 397 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:09,934 ONE OF YOU ON THE DOOR! 398 00:19:23,233 --> 00:19:26,200 - WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? - HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, JANE? 399 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,667 - ( dog barking ) - WHAT ARE YOU FEELING RIGHT NOW? 400 00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,667 LUCY, NO! CAN YOU GET THE DOG? 401 00:19:30,667 --> 00:19:32,266 IS THERE SOMEONE IN THERE WITH YOU? 402 00:19:32,266 --> 00:19:34,200 WHO IS IT? A MAN? A WOMAN? WE WANT TO KNOW. 403 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:37,100 - GET A CAMERA IN THERE. - THIS IS INSANE. JEFF, STOP. 404 00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:38,433 SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT. YOU BETRAYED ME! 405 00:19:38,433 --> 00:19:39,934 I DIDN'T EDIT IT. THEY DID. 406 00:19:39,934 --> 00:19:42,800 I CAN'T SHOW MY FACE ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW" TOMORROW. 407 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:45,000 I HAVE WAITED 10 YEARS TO DO THAT! 408 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:47,133 Mark: VAL, LET'S GO. 409 00:19:47,133 --> 00:19:49,367 - FUCK THEM! - YEAH, FUCK THEM! 410 00:19:49,367 --> 00:19:51,200 THAT'S RIGHT, FUCK THEM. I QUIT! 411 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,033 YOU TELL THEM I QUIT! 412 00:19:53,033 --> 00:19:54,600 I'M DONE! 413 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:57,533 - Jane: YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, JEFF. - IT'S GOOD TV. 414 00:19:57,533 --> 00:19:59,967 KEEP THE NAVIGATOR. KEYS ARE INSIDE! 415 00:19:59,967 --> 00:20:02,033 'CAUSE I DON'T NEED IT! I DON'T NEED ANY OF THIS! 416 00:20:02,033 --> 00:20:04,233 YOU TELL THEM THAT WHEN YOU TELL THEM I QUIT! 417 00:20:04,233 --> 00:20:06,133 NO, ON SECOND THOUGHT, 418 00:20:06,133 --> 00:20:07,834 DON'T TELL THEM ANYTHING! 419 00:20:07,834 --> 00:20:11,266 THEY CAN WATCH ME QUIT TOMORROW NIGHT ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW"! 420 00:20:11,266 --> 00:20:13,967 I'M GOING TO TELL MY FRIEND JAY EVERYTHING. 421 00:20:13,967 --> 00:20:16,500 EVERYTHING YOU DECEITFUL PEOPLE DID TO ME! 422 00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:19,500 AMERICA'S GONNA KNOW! THEY'RE GONNA KNOW. 423 00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:21,800 NO, THAT'S IT! WE'RE DONE! 424 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,166 THAT'S RIGHT! WE'RE DONE! 425 00:20:24,166 --> 00:20:26,133 WE'RE DONE! 426 00:20:27,367 --> 00:20:30,500 I DON'T GET IT. DIDN'T SHE SIGN UP FOR THIS? 427 00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:32,800 THANK YOU. 428 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:35,500 OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? 429 00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:38,767 I DON'T NEED THIS MIC PACK ANYMORE. 430 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:48,800 Jane: HERE THEY COME. 431 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,734 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, JANE? I QUIT! 432 00:21:09,734 --> 00:21:12,066 I HAVE TO FOLLOW YOU. YOU'RE STILL UNDER CONTRACT. 433 00:21:12,066 --> 00:21:14,367 FINE, YOU CAN SHOOT ME QUITTING! 434 00:21:14,367 --> 00:21:17,100 Mickey: SHAME ON YOU, JANE. 435 00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:20,633 YOU'RE LUCKY MY LOVER ROBERT HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR. 436 00:21:22,333 --> 00:21:24,066 GO. 437 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:38,133 ( knocking at door ) 438 00:21:38,133 --> 00:21:40,400 OH MY GOD, VALERIE, I SAW YOUR SHOW LAST NIGHT. 439 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,233 THAT WAS THE GROSSEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN. 440 00:21:42,233 --> 00:21:44,166 I ALMOST THREW UP WATCHING IT. 441 00:21:44,166 --> 00:21:46,967 MY BOYFRIEND TIVO'D IT BACK THREE TIMES AND I KEPT-- 442 00:21:46,967 --> 00:21:49,133 LET'S NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE SHOW. THANKS. 443 00:21:49,133 --> 00:21:50,967 OKAY. ALL RIGHT THEN. 444 00:21:50,967 --> 00:21:54,200 - THEY'RE GONNA COME IN TO WIRE YOU IN A FEW MINUTES. - THANK YOU. 445 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:56,333 "THE GROSSEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN." 446 00:21:56,333 --> 00:21:58,133 THANK YOU FOR THAT, JANE! 447 00:21:58,133 --> 00:22:01,200 I'M SORRY YOU'RE UPSET, BUT PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT IT. 448 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,467 YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD FROM YOU, EVER. 449 00:22:04,467 --> 00:22:06,900 EVER! 450 00:22:06,900 --> 00:22:09,767 AND I NEED TO KNOW I AM BEING HEARD. 451 00:22:09,767 --> 00:22:12,500 AM I BEING HEARD? 452 00:22:12,500 --> 00:22:14,567 YOU TOLD ME NOT TO SAY ANYTHING. 453 00:22:14,567 --> 00:22:16,433 ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! 454 00:22:16,433 --> 00:22:19,266 OKAY, HOW ABOUT WE NOT UPSET VAL TWO SECONDS BEFORE SHE GOES ON? 455 00:22:19,266 --> 00:22:22,300 YEAH, DON'T UPSET ME TWO SECONDS BEFORE I GO OUT THERE. 456 00:22:22,300 --> 00:22:25,667 BILLY, DO ME A FAVOR, GO OUT AND MAKE SURE MARK'S GOT HIS SEAT? 457 00:22:25,667 --> 00:22:28,433 - OH, YEAH, OF COURSE. BREAK A LEG. - THANK YOU. 458 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:35,433 ( rock music playing ) 459 00:22:48,467 --> 00:22:50,300 Mickey: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY? 460 00:22:50,300 --> 00:22:52,300 I'M GOING TO SAY THAT-- 461 00:22:52,300 --> 00:22:55,667 I'M GOING TO TELL THEM REALITY TV IS HUMILIATION TV. 462 00:22:55,667 --> 00:22:57,900 THAT PEOPLE'S CHARACTERS ARE BEING DESTROYED 463 00:22:57,900 --> 00:22:59,867 JUST SO OTHER PEOPLE HAVE SOMETHING TO TIVO. 464 00:22:59,867 --> 00:23:02,066 AND THEN I'M GONNA QUIT "THE COMEBACK." 465 00:23:02,066 --> 00:23:03,700 YOU SURE ABOUT THIS, RED? 466 00:23:03,700 --> 00:23:05,800 IT DID GET YOU BACK ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW." 467 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:08,834 THERE'S THE GOOD WAY TO GET BACK ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW" AND A BAD WAY. 468 00:23:08,834 --> 00:23:10,533 THIS IS THE BAD WAY. 469 00:23:10,533 --> 00:23:14,200 DOLL, YOU GO SIT WITH MARK. MAKE SURE HE'S OKAY. 470 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:16,200 AND THEN I'LL SEE YOU AFTER. THANK YOU. 471 00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:18,367 - ( music stops ) - THIS IS YOU. 472 00:23:18,367 --> 00:23:20,033 ( audience applauding ) 473 00:23:20,033 --> 00:23:22,433 Jay: YOU MAY REMEMBER MY NEXT GUEST 474 00:23:22,433 --> 00:23:23,834 AS THE STAR OF "I'M IT." 475 00:23:23,834 --> 00:23:26,233 ENJOY THIS. THIS IS YOUR LAST SHOT. 476 00:23:26,233 --> 00:23:29,600 PLEASE WELCOME VALERIE CHERISH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! 477 00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:32,300 - ( band playing ) - ( audience applauding ) 478 00:23:45,367 --> 00:23:47,567 Jay: HAVE A SEAT. 479 00:23:47,567 --> 00:23:48,900 YES YES. 480 00:23:48,900 --> 00:23:51,500 IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. IT'S BEEN A WHILE. 481 00:23:51,500 --> 00:23:53,967 - YEAH, THANKS, JAY. - I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING. 482 00:23:53,967 --> 00:23:56,600 I'M NOT A BIG FAN OF REALITY SHOWS. 483 00:23:56,600 --> 00:24:00,200 AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, AFTER LAST NIGHT, NEITHER AM I! 484 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:03,233 I COME INTO WORK TODAY, EVERYBODY IS TALKING ABOUT 485 00:24:03,233 --> 00:24:05,233 WHAT HAPPENED ON YOUR SHOW LAST NIGHT. 486 00:24:05,233 --> 00:24:07,700 HOW MANY PEOPLE SAW "THE COMEBACK"? 487 00:24:07,700 --> 00:24:11,500 - ( applause ) - Jay: OKAY, THAT'S ABOUT-- 488 00:24:11,500 --> 00:24:13,900 THAT'S ABOUT HALF. LET'S SHOW THE OTHER HALF 489 00:24:13,900 --> 00:24:15,367 WHAT ALL THE HOOPLA WAS ABOUT. 490 00:24:15,367 --> 00:24:17,400 LET'S PUT UP THE MONITOR. CHECK THIS OUT. 491 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:18,800 OH, NO. OH, GOD! 492 00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:20,567 - WHAT'S THAT? - NOTHING! 493 00:24:20,567 --> 00:24:22,700 - IF I COULD SAY ONE THING. - SURE. 494 00:24:22,700 --> 00:24:24,233 BUT FIRST, LET'S SHOW PEOPLE THE CLIP 495 00:24:24,233 --> 00:24:26,734 - SO THEY KNOW WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT. - ( applause ) 496 00:24:26,734 --> 00:24:30,567 TAKE A LOOK AT THIS-- HERE WE GO. LAST NIGHT-- LAST NIGHT ON THE SHOW. 497 00:24:34,500 --> 00:24:36,800 - ( audience laughing ) - Paulie: WHAT THE--? 498 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:38,300 ( Valerie retches ) 499 00:24:38,300 --> 00:24:41,900 ( audience laughing ) 500 00:24:41,900 --> 00:24:44,033 JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE SEEN IT ALL 501 00:24:44,033 --> 00:24:46,133 HERE COMES THE RARE DOUBLE VOMIT. 502 00:24:46,133 --> 00:24:48,967 VOMIT ON TV! 503 00:24:48,967 --> 00:24:51,800 - I MEAN, LOOK-- YEAH, THERE YOU GO. - ( audience applauds ) 504 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:54,500 THAT'S RIGHT. COME ON, LET'S-- 505 00:24:54,500 --> 00:24:57,333 WE'RE ALL ADULTS. WE'VE SEEN VOMIT ON TV. 506 00:24:57,333 --> 00:25:00,133 BUT THE RARE DOUBLE VOMIT! YOU NEVER SEE THAT. 507 00:25:00,133 --> 00:25:03,300 NOW YOU'RE TALKING. PLUS, IT'S A GIANT CUPCAKE VOMITING. 508 00:25:03,300 --> 00:25:06,166 THAT'S WHAT I CALL QUALITY TELEVISION, ISN'T IT? 509 00:25:07,533 --> 00:25:10,700 I'VE GOT TO SAY, VALERIE, 510 00:25:10,700 --> 00:25:12,166 LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING: 511 00:25:12,166 --> 00:25:14,667 YOU HAVE GOT A RIGHT HOOK, YOUNG LADY. 512 00:25:14,667 --> 00:25:17,834 LOOK OUT HILLARY SWANK! 513 00:25:17,834 --> 00:25:20,166 YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT IT'S ALL TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT. 514 00:25:20,166 --> 00:25:21,867 HOLD ON. I GOT TO GET READY 515 00:25:21,867 --> 00:25:24,266 IN CASE I SAY SOMETHING YOU DON'T LIKE. 516 00:25:24,266 --> 00:25:27,000 NOW, I THINK I COULD TAKE YOU. 517 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,900 BUT, JUST IN CASE, I'VE GOT A LITTLE 518 00:25:28,900 --> 00:25:31,834 AIR SICKNESS BAG HERE. 519 00:25:31,834 --> 00:25:34,767 YOU LIKE THAT, AUDIENCE? LOOK UNDER YOUR SEATS, EVERYBODY. 520 00:25:34,767 --> 00:25:37,133 CHECK UNDER YOUR SEATS. WE HAVE A LITTLE SURPRISE. 521 00:25:37,133 --> 00:25:40,066 THERE YOU GO. EVERYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE HAS ONE. 522 00:25:40,066 --> 00:25:43,166 - OH! - Jay: IN FACT, I'VE GOT GLOVES FOR YOU. 523 00:25:43,166 --> 00:25:44,834 TRY THOSE ON. 524 00:25:44,834 --> 00:25:46,600 TRY THOSE ON. LET'S SEE. 525 00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:48,166 THAT'S WHAT I WAS WEARING. 526 00:25:48,166 --> 00:25:50,567 LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT. 527 00:25:50,567 --> 00:25:52,166 WHERE DID YOU GET THESE? 528 00:25:52,166 --> 00:25:54,800 "THE CUPCAKE KID." YOU THINK I CAN TAKE HER? 529 00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:56,567 YOU WANNA GIVE IT A SHOT? COME ON. 530 00:25:56,567 --> 00:25:58,967 ( chanting ) HIT HIM! HIT HIM! HIT HIM! 531 00:25:59,867 --> 00:26:01,967 ( groans ) 532 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:07,000 ( mimics retching ) 533 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:08,233 ( laughs ) 534 00:26:08,233 --> 00:26:10,400 ( audience cheers ) 535 00:26:14,667 --> 00:26:18,033 Jay: VALERIE CHERISH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! 536 00:26:27,834 --> 00:26:30,200 WHAT ARE YOU FEELING? 537 00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:33,133 COMPLETE THIS SENTENCE, "I AM FEELING BLANK." 538 00:26:36,834 --> 00:26:39,166 ( cell phone rings ) 539 00:26:40,133 --> 00:26:42,233 HELLO? 540 00:26:42,233 --> 00:26:44,900 YEAH, I CAN HOLD. IT'S JASON SILVER. 541 00:26:44,900 --> 00:26:46,767 OH! 542 00:26:46,767 --> 00:26:49,100 - HEY, AWESOME JOB, VAL! - THANK YOU. 543 00:26:49,100 --> 00:26:50,800 OH, YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN HERE. 544 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,834 - I'LL PUT IT OUT. - OH, IT'S OKAY. ALL THE STARS DO. 545 00:26:53,834 --> 00:26:55,300 JUST CLOSE THE DOOR. 546 00:26:55,300 --> 00:26:57,934 AND ANYTIME YOU WANT TO COME BACK, YOU LET US KNOW. 547 00:26:57,934 --> 00:27:00,567 - THANK YOU! - Cameraman: JANE, THE DOOR! 548 00:27:00,567 --> 00:27:02,767 OH, THAT'S GREAT. 549 00:27:02,767 --> 00:27:04,467 OH, OKAY, HERE SHE IS. IT'S JASON. 550 00:27:04,467 --> 00:27:06,934 Jason: Val, congratulations on the show last night! 551 00:27:06,934 --> 00:27:09,033 People can't stop talking about it! 552 00:27:09,033 --> 00:27:11,867 The network's going to replay it on Friday at 10:00. 553 00:27:11,867 --> 00:27:14,467 They want to give this thing a chance to catch on. 554 00:27:14,467 --> 00:27:16,567 - You there? - YES! 555 00:27:16,567 --> 00:27:19,133 This crazy vomit thing has pushed it over the top. 556 00:27:19,133 --> 00:27:22,200 They're picking you up for another season. How's that? 557 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,633 - GREAT! - Keep up the good work. 558 00:27:24,633 --> 00:27:27,633 - Gotta go. - OKAY! 559 00:27:27,633 --> 00:27:29,767 JANE, WE GOT PICKED UP! 560 00:27:29,767 --> 00:27:32,867 HE'S PICKING US UP FOR ANOTHER SEASON! 561 00:27:32,867 --> 00:27:35,033 AFTER ONE EPISODE! 562 00:27:35,033 --> 00:27:37,734 WHAT? THAT NEVER HAPPENS. NEVER! 563 00:27:37,734 --> 00:27:39,100 NEVER HAPPENS! 564 00:27:39,100 --> 00:27:41,300 - OH MY GOD. WOW. - ( Jane laughs ) 565 00:27:41,300 --> 00:27:43,100 I KNOW! 566 00:27:45,967 --> 00:27:48,033 DID YOU SEE THAT? 567 00:27:48,033 --> 00:27:51,433 CRACKED WIDE OPEN. 568 00:27:51,433 --> 00:27:53,300 OH, WOW! 569 00:27:53,300 --> 00:27:56,400 WOW! OH MY GOD! 570 00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:58,467 I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GOING TO KEEP THIS UP. 571 00:27:58,467 --> 00:28:02,000 WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NEXT YEAR? EXPLODE? 572 00:28:06,667 --> 00:28:08,734 OH, NO, I DON'T-- 573 00:28:08,734 --> 00:28:10,367 JANE, I DON'T SMOKE. 574 00:28:10,367 --> 00:28:12,934 I DON'T SMOKE ON CAMERA. 575 00:28:14,433 --> 00:28:16,467 MAYBE YOU BETTER... 576 00:28:16,467 --> 00:28:18,934 JUST FOR NOW. I'M SMOKING. 577 00:28:19,934 --> 00:28:22,266 - Man: HERE SHE COMES! - ( "Cherish" playing ) 578 00:28:22,266 --> 00:28:25,133 - ( fans cheering ) - VALERIE! 579 00:28:25,133 --> 00:28:27,100 ( laughs ) 580 00:28:27,100 --> 00:28:29,633 - Valerie: SURE, YEAH. - Jane: GET HIGHER! 581 00:28:29,633 --> 00:28:32,133 CLIMB UP ON THAT CAR! 582 00:28:34,133 --> 00:28:36,667 Valerie: THANKS, DARLING. 583 00:28:42,667 --> 00:28:45,734 Man: VALERIE, I LOVE YOU! 584 00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:00,433 OH, I LOVE IT! 585 00:29:02,100 --> 00:29:03,867 HERE YOU GO. 586 00:29:03,867 --> 00:29:06,900 MY PLEASURE. WHOA! ( laughs ) 587 00:29:07,767 --> 00:29:09,700 THAT WAS VERY GOOD! 588 00:29:09,700 --> 00:29:12,300 I THOUGHT YOU REALLY WERE GONNA. 589 00:29:15,967 --> 00:29:17,300 THANK YOU. 590 00:29:17,300 --> 00:29:19,467 THANKS, DARLING. YEAH. 591 00:29:22,633 --> 00:29:25,433 AW, THAT'S SWEET OF YOU. SWEET OF YOU TO SAY. 592 00:29:26,433 --> 00:29:28,233 ANYONE ELSE WANT A PICTURE? 593 00:29:34,900 --> 00:29:36,867 THAT'LL BE A GOOD ONE. 594 00:29:36,867 --> 00:29:39,700 I'LL LOOK FOR IT ON EBAY. YOU BETTER NOT. 595 00:29:39,700 --> 00:29:42,066 ( applause ) 596 00:29:43,500 --> 00:29:46,000 THANK YOU. IS THAT EVERYBODY? 597 00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:48,367 DID I GET EVERYBODY? 598 00:29:49,734 --> 00:29:51,934 I LOVE YOU TOO. 599 00:29:53,133 --> 00:29:54,934 THANK YOU ALL! 600 00:29:54,934 --> 00:29:56,800 THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU! 601 00:29:56,850 --> 00:30:01,400 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 44917

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