Original subtitles

( tone sounds )

DON'T GO AWAY-- "THE COMEBACK" WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

- HOW WAS THAT? - Jane: GREAT.

- LET'S MOVE ON. - I THINK IT COULD BE BETTER.

IF SOMEONE TOOK THE TIME AND EFFORT TO WRITE THIS.

SO, JUST WANNA GET IT RIGHT. HONOR THE WORDS.

OKAY, I'M GONNA GO AGAIN.

ALL RIGHT. ( clears throat )

DON'T GO AWAY-- "THE COMEBACK" WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

BETTER. RIGHT?

JUST PLAY WITH IT. GOOD.

IT'S SO EXCITING, JANE.

IT FEELS SO REAL NOW. WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO BE ON THE AIR.

- HERE WE GO. - UH-HUH, YEAH.

- 'CAUSE THIS IS IT. IT'S HAPPENING. - HOT WATER AND LEMON.

AH, THANK YOU, DOLL.

HOT WATER AND LEMON, IT'S REAL IMPORTANT FOR THE THROAT.

SOOTHING.

MM, YEAH. MUCH BETTER. THANKS.

Jane: DO YOU WANT TO DO THE NARRATIVE ONES NOW?

- MM-HMM, SURE. - DO YOU SEE THEM?

- THAT'S-- OH, OKAY. - JUST TAKE IT FROM THE FIRST ONE AT THE TOP.

- SEE IT? - WELL...

"I NEVER THOUGHT I'D WORK AGAIN"?

I DON'T THINK...

Jane: IT'S JUST SOMETHING PEOPLE SAY.

THEY PROBABLY WON'T EVEN USE IT.

WELL, THEN THEY WON'T USE IT.

'CAUSE IT'S NOT SOMETHING I SAY.

LET'S JUST NOT RECORD THAT ONE.

- YEAH, THAT'S FINE. - YEAH, IT'S BETTER. BECAUSE IF I RECORD

"I NEVER THOUGHT I'D WORK AGAIN," THEY'RE GONNA USE IT.

IT WOULD BE FOOLISH NOT TO, 'CAUSE IT CREATES STAKES AND DRAMA.

THAT'S NOT... YEAH.

OKAY, WE'LL JUST MOVE ON.

BECAUSE TRUTH BE TOLD I ALWAYS THOUGHT I'D WORK AGAIN.

YOU KNOW, ALWAYS DID.

'CAUSE I'M A SURVIVOR.

I KNOW WHAT THE NEXT-- OH! SPEAKING OF THAT!

MICKEY AND I, WE WERE THINKING ABOUT

WHAT WOULD BE A GOOD THEME SONG FOR "THE COMEBACK"

I KNOW WHAT THEY HAD PLANNED

OR YOU HAD PLANNED, BUT WE HAD THE BEST IDEA. MICKEY.

"I WILL SURVIVE" BY MISS GLORIA GAYNOR.

PUT IT ON, WON'T YOU?

PUT IT ON SO SHE CAN HEAR.

MICKEY PLAYED IT FOR ME AND I THOUGHT, SO FUN, SO RETRO.

AND WHO CAN RESIST A DISCO BEAT, RIGHT?

AND I KNOW IT'S ABOUT A SPURNED LOVER,

BUT IT WORKS FOR SHOW BUSINESS, TOO.

YOU'LL SEE WHEN YOU HEAR THE WORDS.

OH, IT'S SO GOOD.

ARE WE READY UP THERE?

YEAH, COMING AT YOU.

( "I Will Survive" playing )

THAT'S NOT RIGHT, THAT PART.

CUE IT UP TO THE PART I LIKE, WON'T YOU?

( CD skipping )

( music continues )

SHOW BUSINESS FOR SOME PEOPLE.

THAT'S ME.

- ISN'T THAT PERFECT? - Jane: IT'S EXPENSIVE.

- WHAT? - Jane: I THINK IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE.

CAN YOU TURN IT DOWN A LITTLE?

Jane: IT'S GONNA BE TOO EXPENSIVE.

REALLY? BUT IT'S SUCH AN OLD SONG.

HOW MUCH COULD IT BE?

Jane: WITH THE ORIGINAL ARTIST? A LOT.

REALLY? WHAT IF I SANG IT?

WOULD IT BE CHEAPER IF I SANG IT?

- Jane: DO YOU SING? - SHE HAS A BEAUTIFUL SINGING VOICE.

- SHE SHOULD SING IT. - WELL, I CAN SING.

IT COULD BE FUN.

Jane: I'LL TALK TO THEM ABOUT IT.

OH, GREAT, GOOD. YEAH. NOW I'M ATTACHED.

SORRY, MISS GAYNOR, BUT IT'S MISS CHERISH'S COMEBACK!

CRANK IT UP, MR. SOUND MAN!

( music resumes )

THIS PART'S NOT EXACTLY RIGHT,

BUT, YOU KNOW, MOST OF IT.

( chuckles )

( sings along )

( laughs )

- Mickey: OH, MY GOD! - Valerie: THAT'S ME!

- WHERE DID IT GO? - OH, IT'LL COME BACK AROUND.

THAT WAS IT, MICKEY. THAT WAS "THE COMEBACK" POSTER.

THAT WAS THE POSTER!

OH! JANE, WERE YOU ABLE TO GET ANY OF IT?

Jane: A LITTLE BIT.

IT'LL COME BACK AROUND.

HURRY.

IT'LL COME BACK AROUND. WOW, IT HAPPENED SO FAST.

IT'S SO EXCITING.

IT WAS SO FAST. I WAS THERE THEN I WAS GONE.

HARDLY ENOUGH TIME TO TAKE IT IN.

THEY SHOULD LEAVE IT ON A LITTLE LONGER.

- Valerie: THERE IT IS! - Mickey: "THE COMEBACK"!

- Mickey: OH, RED, YOU DID IT! - THERE IT IS!

LOOK AT ME PUSHING THE RED CARPET. THAT'S SO CUTE, HUH MICKEY?

LOOK AT THAT. LOOK AT THAT.

I SHOULD GET THESE RUBBER KNEE THINGS

FOR WHEN I'M OUT IN THE GARDEN FUTZING WITH MY HEIRLOOMS.

OKAY, WELL, THREE LINES.

Jane: I THINK YOU SHOULD SAY SOMETHING.

WHAT MORE CAN I DO, JANE? BREAK INTO THE WRITERS' ROOM

AND TYPE IT UP MYSELF?

THREE LINES, THAT'S ALL.

- ARE THEY FUNNY? - THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT.

THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A BIG AUNT SASSY MOMENT ON "ROOM AND BORED"

SO THAT THE NETWORK CAN PROMO IT FOR THE PREMIERE OF "THE COMEBACK."

AND THERE'S NOTHING HERE. NOTHING.

CRAFT SERVICE, RED.

Jane: IT'S IN YOUR CONTRACT.

IT'S PART OF THE DEAL WITH THE NETWORK.

THAT'S FINE, JANE, BUT I'M NOT A LAWYER.

I'M THE ACTRESS, THEY'RE THE SHOW RUNNERS.

I DON'T TALK CONTRACTS. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE FOR THAT.

- I'LL SAY SOMETHING. - WHAT?

- I'LL SAY SOMETHING. - REALLY?

YEAH.

OKAY, JUST REMIND THEM GENTLY.

DON'T PUSH THEM. DON'T MAKE ANY DEMANDS.

Jane: HEY, GUYS, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

Paulie: SHE SPEAKS!

- ( chatting ) - WHAT WERE YOU SAYING, MICKEY?

BEFORE?

BEFORE WHAT?

ABOUT THE HEIRLOOMS?

Paulie: NO! NO FUCKING WAY! THE SHOW'S ALREADY WRITTEN!

Tom: BUT WE GOT A MEMO FROM THE NETWORK.

MICKEY GROWS THE MOST GORGEOUS HEIRLOOM TOMATOES.

Paulie: FUCK THIS AND FUCK HER REALITY SHOW!

WHICH ARE THE ONES I LIKE?

- Paulie: WHAT'S THE POINT? - Jane: IT'S FROM THE NETWORK.

GREEN ZEBRA AND HILLBILLY.

Tom: WE HAVE TO DO IT! IT'S FOR THE NETWORK!

Paulie: OH, FUCK THE NETWORK!

THAT'S JUST SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE FOOT.

THAT'S NOT SMART.

YOU NEVER SAY "F THE NETWORK."

I'M QUOTING.

- I'M NOT SAYING IT. - Mickey: HERE SHE COMES.

WELL, OKAY.

JANE, THAT WAS NOT GOOD. THAT WAS NOT GOOD.

SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT TO THE LAWYERS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HOPED TO ACCOMPLISH WITH THAT.

TOM SAID HE'D WRITE YOU SOMETHING GOOD.

OH, DID HE? I DIDN'T HEAR THAT PART.

REALLY? OKAY, GOOD. GOOD. ALL RIGHT.

GOOD JOB, JANE. WELL DONE.

I DON'T LIKE HIM TALKING TO YOU THAT WAY.

WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM?

MARK, HE'S NOT SAYING F ME.

HE'S SAYING "F" THE ACTRESS WITH ALL THE DEMANDS.

F THE REALITY SHOW.

IT'S F ANYTHING THAT'S GONNA MAKE HIM WORK A LITTLE HARDER.

ANYTHING THAT TAKES HIM AWAY FROM HIS TRIP TO LAS VEGAS

OR WHATEVER HE DOES ON HIS WEEKENDS.

HE'S VERY LUCKY HE HAS TOM FOR A PARTNER.

VERY, VERY LUCKY THAT TOM IS SMART AND HE GETS IT.

WELL, HE BETTER WATCH OUT, OR I'M GONNA GO DOWN THERE

AND PUNCH HIM IN HIS BIG FAT GUT.

MARK, THAT'S CUTE.

HE DOESN'T MEAN THAT, JANE.

YES, I DO.

SEE THIS IS WHAT I HAVE THAT PAULIE G. DOESN'T--

A MAN AT HOME WHO LOVES ME.

I'M NOT SAYING THAT PAULIE G. WANTS A MAN AT HOME.

TOO BAD HE DOESN'T, HUH, JANE?

'CAUSE THEN THAT F WOULD STAND FOR FABULOUS.

Jane: YEAH.

Valerie: MY POINT IS, I DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

I'M NOT THAT PERSON.

HE'S AN ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY MAN.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME AT WORK, ALL RIGHT?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

"THINK I'D CRUMBLE? THINK I'D LAY DOWN AND DIE?

OH NO, NOT I."

IT'S FROM THE SONG.

HI, LOVEY.

- HI. - CANDY FOR LUNCH?

- MM-HMM. - SOME BREAD AND CANDY?

WHAT'S WITH ALL THIS EXTRA SECURITY?

- WHAT SECURITY? - THERE, RED. HADN'T YOU NOTICED?

- OH. - I GOT A STALKER NOTE.

WHERE?

- IN MY ROOM. - OH, YOU'RE KIDDING?

- NO, IT CAME THIS MORNING. - ( gasps )

WELL, I HAD WITH THAT ON "IT."

- DID YOU? - OH, YEAH.

WHEN YOU'RE LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE A CELEBRITY

AND YOU'VE REALLY GOT IT LIKE WE DO

IT JUST COMES WITH THE TERRITORY.

YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO HER, JUNA.

ALL THE NUTS LOVED VALERIE.

THAT'S TRUE ENOUGH. THERE WAS ONE GUY

WHO KEPT SENDING ME PICTURES OF HIMSELF DRESSED AS MY CHARACTER BECKY.

KIND OF CREEPY. I DIDN'T NEED TO SEE THAT!

WHAT ABOUT THE GUY THAT SENT YOU SHIT. REMEMBER?

"I'M IT, I'M SHIT."

THAT'S JUST MEAN. I DON'T EVEN LIKE TO THINK ABOUT IT.

WHAT DID YOUR NOTE SAY?

IT SAID, "IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU, NO ONE ELSE WILL."

WELL, THAT'S A DEATH THREAT, HONEY.

- IT IS? - JUNA, NO. NO, IT'S NOT.

MICKEY, DON'T GET HYSTERICAL.

DON'T ADD FUEL TO THE FIRE.

LISTEN, WE'VE GOT EXTRA SECURITY

AND I'M SURE EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE FINE.

- REALLY WILL. - YEAH.

HEY, GUYS! GOT SOME PRETTY BIG CHANGES HERE.

JANE, CHANGES.

VAL, WE'VE GOT A REALLY REALLY FUNNY SCENE

AT THE END OF THE SCRIPT WITH A BIG PRATFALL.

I KNOW YOU WERE ASKING FOR SOMETHING PHYSICAL,

SO I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE THAT.

- I'M SURE I WILL. THANK YOU. - NO PROBLEM.

HAPPY TO DO IT. SEE?

IT ALL WORKED OUT.

OH, JUNA, JUST TAKE A LOOK AT THE AUNT SASSY STUFF,

'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA BE IN ALL OF IT.

- OH, GREAT! OH, FUN! - COOL! THANKS.

OH, AND APPARENTLY I HAVE

AN ULCER SITUATION HAPPENING,

SO I'M GONNA BE OUT THIS WHOLE WEEK

- RUNNING SOME TESTS. - OH NO, TOM.

- ANYTHING WE CAN DO? - NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

YOU GUYS WILL IN GOOD HANDS WITH PAULIE. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

- ARE YOU GONNA BE ALL RIGHT? - YEAH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

- WE'VE GOT ALL THE EXTRA SECURITY. - OKAY, GOOD.

ANYTHING WEIRD, JUST TELL PAULIE G.

- YEAH, PLEASE. - YES.

- OKAY? - THANKS.

- AW, WHAT A BEAR. - ( chuckles )

RED LIGHT'S STILL ON.

SO THEY'RE FILMING, CAN'T GO IN.

DON'T WANT TO RUIN A TAKE.

A LOT OF HARD WORKING PEOPLE IN THERE.

OH HI. DID YOU GIVE HIM--?

YEAH, HE'S RIGHT BEHIND--

THANKS, ERIC. TELL THEM I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Valerie: HI, JIMMY. I SEE YOU GOT MY NOTE?

YEAH, WHAT'S UP? IT SOUNDED URGENT.

OH NO, IT'S NOT URGENT.

JUST, YOU KNOW, PASSIONATE, NOT URGENT.

I'VE ONLY GOT A MINUTE.

OH, ALL RIGHT, THEN HERE'S THE SCOOP.

SO "ROOM AND BORED" WROTE ME THIS REAL FUNNY BIT.

I'M DRESSED AS A GIANT CUPCAKE

IN A DIET PILL HALLUCINATION AND I DO A BIG PRATFALL.

SOUNDS LIKE THEY'VE LOST THEIR MINDS.

OH NO, IT'S FUNNY. IT WORKS. IT WORKS.

THEY'RE CALLING IT "REQUIEM FOR A DREAM" MEETS DR. SEUSS.

( giggling ) IT'S REAL FUNNY.

ANYWAY, THE WHOLE BIT SCREAMS JIMMY.

BUT WE DON'T HAVE YOU THIS WEEK.

YOU KNOW, GOT WAGNER. AND HE'S A DELIGHT, DON'T GET ME WRONG.

BUT YOU'RE THE MASTER OF PHYSICAL COMEDY.

SO I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU COULD COME ON OVER,

YOU KNOW, JUST FOR A LITTLE BIT.

I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF PRE-SHOOT.

OH SURE, YEAH. OF COURSE.

I WAS AFRAID OF THAT. EVERYONE WANTS YOU.

SO, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, HELL. I GOT YOU NOW.

WHY DON'T-- I CAN SHOW YOU WHAT I WAS THINKING.

HOW ABOUT I DON'T FALL ON A PIECE OF GLASS?

- UH, VAL, VAL. - YEAH?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON'T FALL HERE.

NO, I WASN'T GOING TO FALL FALL.

NO, JUST GONNA SORT OF MIME IT.

TAKE YOU THROUGH THE STEPS, SHOW YOU WHAT I WAS THINKING.

IT'S A PRATFALL IN A CUPCAKE SUIT.

YEAH.

I KNOW, IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW...

LOOK, TOM'S GONE THIS WHOLE WEEK.

- HE HAS AN ULCER. - OH, I DIDN'T KNOW.

YEAH, SO IT'S JUST PAULIE G.

AND WAGNER.

WELL, YEAH.

SO I'M PRETTY MUCH ON MY OWN.

I JUST WANT IT TO BE GOOD. SHOW PAULIE,

"IT'S OKAY, I CAN BE FUNNY. I CAN BE GOOD."

HONEY, BLOOD FROM A STONE.

- WHAT? - BLOOD FROM A STONE.

YEAH. INCAPABLE.

YEAH, YEAH.

NO, I UNDERSTAND. WELL, STILL, I WANT IT TO BE GOOD.

- SO I'D LOVE TO-- - THE AUDIENCE WILL LAUGH

AND YOU'LL GO TO THAT PLACE YOU GO.

YOU'LL BE FINE.

- YOU THINK? - YOU'RE A GIANT CUPCAKE.

THAT'S TRUE.

WELL, I'LL SEE YOU. YOU'RE GONNA BE GREAT.

- THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT, THANKS, JIMMY. - OKAY.

AND IF YOU CAN, FALL BACKWARDS. IT'S ALWAYS FUNNIER.

YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

- I WAS THINKING I'D FALL FORWARDS-- - BACKWARDS!

HE HAS HIS OWN WAY OF DOING THINGS.

BUT NOTHING'S FUNNIER THEN A FACEPLANT.

I KNOW THAT, JUST WANTED TO WORK THAT OUT WITH HIM.

AH, JANE, LOOK AT MICKEY.

HE FELL ASLEEP WITH THE WINDOWS ALL ROLLED UP.

IF WE JUST LEFT HIM THERE HE'D BE DEAD IN 20 MINUTES.

GONNA WAKE HIM UP.

I'M SAVING YOUR LIFE!

( shouting ) WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

- Mark: HEY. - OH!

- OH, GOOD YOU'RE HOME. - WHAT'S GOING ON?

- IT'S LATE. - DINNER WITH THE OUT-OF-TOWN CLIENTS.

- THEY WANT TO PARTY. - YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, JUST WORKING SOMETHING OUT.

WORKING SOMETHING OUT.

THEY CHANGED THE WHOLE SCRIPT.

WHOLE SCRIPT. PART OF THE B STORY NOW.

- PRETTY BIG, HUH? - HOW MANY STORIES ARE THERE?

NEVER MIND. THE POINT IS,

IS THAT I'M A REAL PART OF THE SHOW.

IT ALL WORKED OUT.

JANE SHOWED HER TEETH AND "THE COMEBACK" PULLED RANK.

- GOOD. - YEAH, YEAH.

I HAVE THIS HILARIOUS PRATFALL I WAS JUST PRACTICING.

Mark: I DON'T LIKE THAT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S NOTHING.

Mark: I DON'T WANT YOU TO HURT YOUR BACK.

NO, I WON'T.

I'M WEARING A BIG CUPCAKE, AND THERE'S PADDING ALL AROUND.

LEAVE THE ACTING TO THE ACTRESS, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE A CUPCAKE?

Valerie: YEAH, ISN'T THAT FUNNY?

HONEY, I THINK IT'S MY LUCY MOMENT.

OH, WELL, AS LONG AS YOU THINK IT'S SAFE.

OH, YEAH, IT IS.

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT ME TO COME DOWN THERE AND MAKE SURE YOU'RE OKAY?

OH, NO NO NO. MARK, PLEASE DON'T.

I CAN'T WORRYING ABOUT YOU WORRYING ABOUT ME.

I'VE GOT TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING LAUGHS.

- IT'S FINE. - ( laughs )

- THAT WORKS. - SEE?

Jane: THE SCRIPT HAS METAL THINGS ON IT.

OH.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

I DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH.

- I'M ONE OF THE STARS. - EVERYBODY HAS TO GO THROUGH.

EVEN THE STARS.

WELL, I SUPPOSE I COULD BE STALKING JUNA.

- EVERYONE COULD. - ( beeps )

THOUGHT THAT MIGHT HAPPEN. SOME TIMES IT GOES OFF SOME TIMES IT DOESN'T.

DEPENDS ON THE SENSITIVITY.

- RIGHT, MICKEY? - RIGHT.

YEAH. WOULD YOU MIND GOING THROUGH AGAIN, PLEASE?

IT'S JUST GONNA GO OFF AGAIN.

- ( beeps ) - YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH, I HAVE A METAL ROD IN MY BACK.

JANE, I HAD CURVATURE OF THE SPINE AS A KID

SO THEY HAD TO CORRECT IT, PUT A ROD IN AND STRAIGHTEN IT OUT.

I HAD SCOLIOSIS.

HAPPENS TO A LOT OF GIRLS.

- RIGHT, MICKEY? - RIGHT.

Guard: WOULD YOU STAND OVER TO THE SIDE, PLEASE?

LIFT UP YOUR ARMS, PLEASE.

- ( wand beeping ) - YEAH, SEE? THERE I GO.

MONICA, WOULD YOU MIND?

NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.

- SORRY. - ALL CLEAR.

- OKAY. - GOOD, GREAT.

- I LOVE THE SHOW. - AW, THANK YOU.

LISTEN, YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB, ALL OF YOU.

REALLY FEEL SAFE, SO GLAD TO HAVE YOU HERE.

MICKEY, SEE YOU IN HAIR AND MAKE-UP.

OKAY, RED.

SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD THAT BACON.

Jane: DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED AT THE METAL DETECTOR?

OH, THAT WAS NO BIG DEAL. NO.

YOU KNOW THOSE GIRLS IN JUNIOR HIGH

WHO HAD BODY CASTS ON OR THE BACK BRACE? THAT WAS ME.

IT HAPPENED. DONE.

Jane: AREN'T YOU WORRIED ABOUT YOUR FALL?

OH GOD, NO. NO NO NO.

I HAVE A ROD IN MY BACK, BUT IT DOESN'T LIMIT ME MUCH.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN VERY ACTIVE, VERY PHYSICAL.

EVEN THEN I WAS ON THE FIELD HOCKEY TEAM.

BUT THAT WHOLE YEAR, OF COURSE, I WAS IN THE BODY CAST.

SO, I COULDN'T PLAY,

BUT I'D STILL GO TO EVERY PRACTICE.

WENT TO EVERY PRACTICE, DRESSED IN THE UNIFORM FOR EVERY GAME, RIGHT?

AND STILL PART OF IT. I RAN AROUND HANDING OUT TOWELS,

GETTING EVERYONE WATER,

CHEERING THEM ON DURING THE GAMES.

YEAH, SHOWED UP EVERY DAY.

SO, IT WAS FUN.

WOULDN'T DIDN'T LET ME BE IN THE PICTURE.

BUT...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

ALL OF THE SUDDEN-- WHOO!

I'M GONNA HAVE TO--

I'M FINE!

( sobs ) I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

GET OFF ME.

- ( audience laughs ) - FOLKS, JUST ONE MORE SCENE TO GO.

NOW REMEMBER, LAST TIME WE SAW AUNT SASSY

SHE TELLING THE KIDS NOT TO LET HER INTO JUNA'S

- FOR CUPCAKES AND QUESADILLA NIGHT. - ( audience laughs )

SHE'S BEEN ON DIET PILLS FOR WEEKS

AND STILL HASN'T LOST THE WEIGHT.

IT'S LATE NIGHT, JUNA'S GONE TO BED,

THE LEFT OVER GOODIES ARE IN THE FRIDGE

AND AUNT SASSY'S HALLUCINATING UPSTAIRS IN A DIET PILL STUPOR.

( audience laughing )

Eddie: ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO! ON A BELL!

( bell rings )

Assistant: SCENE J. FOUR CAMERAS.

COMMON MARKER. TAKE ONE!

AND ACTION!

( door opens )

( audience laughs )

MUST HAVE CUPCAKES.

MUST HAVE QUESADILLAS.

I DON'T NEED TO SEE THAT!

( audience laughs, applauds )

Wagner: AND CUE THE ISLAND MOVING.

WHY ISN'T THE ISLAND MOVING?

MOVE THE ISLAND!

IT'S NOT MOVING.

Wagner: OKAY, CUT!

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ISLAND? BILL?

Emcee: LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A TECHNICAL PROBLEM, FOLKS.

YEAH, SO PRETEND YOU DIDN'T ALREADY SEE ME, OKAY?

- Eddie: WHAT'S GOING ON? - Bill: THE RIG'S JAMMED.

- WE NEED A MINUTE. - LET'S MAKE IT HAPPEN. COME ON.

ROBIN?

WELL, MY ENTRANCE IS BLOWN. IT'S BLOWN.

DON'T WORRY, RED, IT'LL BE FUNNY ALL OVER AGAIN.

A CUPCAKE'S NEVER AS FUNNY THE SECOND TIME, NEVER.

OH, LOOK, THEY'RE HAVING A GREAT TIME.

- UH, VALERIE? - YEAH?

WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM. THE RIG IS BLOWN.

- IS IT, HUH? - WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SWITCH IT OUT.

- HOW LONG'S THAT GOING TO TAKE? - OH, NO TIME.

- A COUPLE OF MINUTES. - ACTUALLY, IT'S GOING TO BE MORE LIKE AN HOUR.

YEAH, IT TAKES ABOUT AN HOUR.

- YEAH, ALL RIGHT. PETER? - YEAH?

WE'VE GOT AN HOUR, SO GET ME OUT OF THIS CAKE.

LET'S GO, HONEY.

Emcee: THERE SHE GOES BACKSTAGE TO STAY FRESH.

WELL, THAT'S AN HOUR.

AN HOUR.

Eddie: OKAY, HERE'S WHAT'S GOING ON.

- IT'S GONNA TAKE ANOTHER 45 MINUTES. - WHAT? WHY?

WE HAD TO GO OVER TO WARNER BROTHERS TO GET A NEW MOTOR.

ALL RIGHT. HOW'S THE AUDIENCE DOING? GETTING RESTLESS?

- WE LET THE AUDIENCE GO. - WHAT? OH, NO.

EDDIE, NO. GOT TO HAVE THE AUDIENCE FOR MY BIT.

HOW AM I GOING TO KNOW IF IT'S WORKING?

I'M SORRY, VAL. IT WAS 11:00.

THERE WAS A TOUR. THEY HAD TO BE OUT OF THERE.

THE AUDIENCE WAS GETTING ANTSY, SO WE SENT THEM.

- OKAY, I GOT IT. - WE PRE-SHOT THAT TAG.

- YOURS IS THE LAST SCENE. I'LL COME AND GET YOU. - THANK YOU.

( men chanting ) ONE FOR THE MONEY, TWO FOR THE MONEY,

THREE FOR THE MONEY! ( hooting )

- ONE MORE! - WAIT, WAIT!

Paulie: MUST HAVE TEQUILA!

THE LEAST HE COULD'VE DONE WAS KEEP THE WRITERS HERE TO LAUGH.

SWEETIE, YOU DON'T NEED THEM. YOU'RE DELICIOUS!

- Wagner: VALERIE, YOU READY? - YEAH. YEAH, I AM!

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE, FROM VALERIE'S ENTRANCE!

HERE WE GO. ON A BELL!

( bell rings )

SCENE J FOUR CAMERAS. COMMON MARKER. TAKE TWO.

( sticks click )

Wagner: AND ACTION!

MUST HAVE CUPCAKES.

MUST HAVE QUESADILLA.

I DON'T NEED TO SEE THAT!

MUST HAVE CUPCAKES!

YOU'RE FAT-FATTY-FAT-FAT!

WAKE UP! WAKE UP! OH!

- AND CUT! - ( Valerie laughs )

- YOU OKAY, VAL? - OH, YEAH, I'M FINE.

- ARE YOU SURE? - OH, SURE. I'M FINE.

PERFECTLY FINE. HOW WAS THAT?

PAULIE, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YOU KNOW THE FALL COULD BE BETTER.

COULD BE BETTER, PAULIE. I'M GONNA DO ANOTHER ONE.

WHATEVER.

Wagner: VALERIE, I'VE GOT THE ENTRANCE,

SO WE'LL JUST DO IT FROM WHERE THE FRIDGE OPENS.

YEAH, OKAY, GREAT.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, LET'S RESET!

LET'S TAKE IT FROM VALERIE OPENING THE FRIDGE.

WELL, I THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT.

NONE OF THE CREW WERE LAUGHING.

THEY'RE TEAMSTERS, NOTHING'S FUNNY TO THEM.

- COULD BE BETTER. - Eddie: OKAY, ON A BELL! HERE WE GO!

SCENE J. FOUR CAMERAS. COMMON MARKER. TAKE TWO.

Wagner: AND ACTION.

MUST HAVE CUPCAKES!

YOU'RE FAT-FATTY-FAT-FAT!

WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

( laughs )

CUT!

ALL RIGHT. THERE WE GO.

ALL RIGHT.

OH. OKAY, GUYS?

I THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY FUNNY.

WELL, I WANT TO GO AGAIN.

- WHATEVER SHE WANTS. - Valerie: YEAH.

WANT TO GO AGAIN. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS TIME

LET'S JUST KEEP IT ROLLING AND I'LL DO TWO IN A ROW.

OKAY, HERE WE GO! LET'S RESET, EVERYBODY!

- WE'RE GONNA DO TWO IN A ROW ON A BELL. - ( bell rings )

OKAY, NOW, GO OVER THERE.

AND DON'T FAKE LAUGH, I CAN TELL.

SCENE J. FOUR CAMERAS, COMMON MARKER. TAKE FOUR.

- ( sticks click ) - Wagner: AND ACTION.

MUST HAVE CUPCAKES!

Juna: YOU'RE FAT-FAT-FATTY-FAT!

WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

- Eddie: YOU ALL RIGHT? - Valerie: I GOT IT.

YEAH, I GOT IT. THANK YOU.

RED, THAT WAS GOOD ENOUGH.

- MICKEY, WE'RE ROLLING. WE'RE ROLLING, OKAY? - OH!

( panting ) JUST ONE...

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA TRY SOMETHING ELSE, OKAY?

GONNA LAND ON MY BACK. BACKWARD'S ALWAYS FUNNIER.

I THINK THIS WILL BE IT.

Eddie: RESET, EVERYONE, QUICKLY!

MUST HAVE CUPCAKES!

Juna: YOU'RE FAT-FATTY-FAT-FAT!

WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

OH!

Eddie: CUT!

YOU ALL RIGHT, VAL? IT LOOKED LIKE IT HURT.

WELL, NO.

- ARE YOU OKAY? - YEAH.

NO, I'M ALL RIGHT. I'M FINE.

YEAH, I'M FINE. I'M GOOD.

- I THINK THAT WAS IT. - OKAY, I THINK WE GOT IT!

RIGHT, WAGNER?

YEAH, WE GOT IT!

THANK YOU, EVERYONE! THAT'S A WRAP!

VERY GOOD! GOOD JOB, VAL!

THANK YOU. YEAH.

GOOD. I THINK THAT WAS THE ONE, RIGHT, PAULIE?

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

I LIKED THE FIRST ONE.

THEN WHY DID YOU-- WHY DID I DO ALL THOSE OTHER TAKES?

BECAUSE YOU LIKE THROWING YOURSELF ON THE GROUND.

YOU KNOW, I COULD'VE REALLY HURT MYSELF.

RELAX. IT WAS A JOKE.

WHAT? DOES THAT ROD IN YOUR BACK GO ALL THE WAY UP YOUR ASS?

ALL RIGHT, WELL!

( groans ) FUCK!

( gurgles ) WHAT THE FUCK?

( gags )

GET THAT FUCKING CAMERA OFF OF ME!

SHUT OFF THE CAMERAS! GET THEM OUT!

- GO AWAY! - FUCK OFF!

FUCK!

( piano playing )

( singing "I Will Survive" )

- VALERIE? VALERIE? - Valerie: YEAH?

IT'S SOUNDING A LITTLE VANILLA.

YEAH, WE NEED MORE STREET.

UH, MORE... MORE KICK SOME ASS.

YEAH, CAN DO. GOT YOU.

LET ME FIND IT-- FIGURE OUT WHERE I AM.

IT'S THE INSTRUMENTAL.

I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY SINGING IN THIS PART.

LET'S SEE.

Engineer: VAL, YOU KNOW, UM...

SHE'S REALLY BEEN DUMPED ON BY A GUY.

GET WITH THAT, OKAY?

( screaming lyrics )

OH, IT'S SO GOOD.

I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST SO GOOD.

GOTTA GET SOME--

ANGRY HURTS MY THROAT.

( laughs )

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