Original subtitles

( tone sounds )

( Jane whispers ) LET'S GO.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

WELL, IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK AT WORK.

I GOT THE CALL YESTERDAY THAT THE SHOW'S OFFICIALLY UP AND RUNNING.

YEAH. ( mimics radio static )

"'ROOM AND BORED,' THIS IS THE NETWORK.

YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF. AGAIN."

Jane: WHAT CHANGES DO YOU THINK THEY MADE TO THE SHOW?

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S TELEVISION, SO ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE.

SO, YOU DON'T FEEL NERVOUS?

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE BEEN WORKING IN TV FOR 20 YEARS,

SO I NO LONGER FEEL ANYTHING. ( chuckles )

RED, WAIT!

- WAIT, RED! - OKAY.

- I HAVE A LITTLE... - WHAT?

- ...GOOD LUCK-- HERE. - WHAT?

IT'S A-- IT'S A WELCOME BACK GIFT FOR YOU.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, MICKEY, JUST BREATHE.

TAKE YOUR TIME. WHAT'S THE HURRY?

I WANTED YOU TO HAVE IT BEFORE YOU WENT INTO THE BIG RETOOL MEETING.

AH, OKAY, LET'S SEE. OH, LOOK, ISN'T THAT PRETTY?

IT'S A FOUR-LEAF CLOVER.

- YEAH. - FOR GOOD LUCK.

MAYBE IT'LL HELP IN THE MEETING.

OKAY, WELL...

I'LL TRY TO PUT IT ON AS I WALK.

- THANK YOU. THANKS, DARLING. - GOOD.

- THINKING OF YOU. - YEAH.

Tom: SO, FIRST OF ALL,

WELCOME BACK!

IT'S GREAT TO SEE EVERYBODY!

IT SURE IS, ISN'T IT?

- YES! - TOM. PAULIE G.

Tom: IT IS! SO, LISTEN.

WE MADE SOME CHANGES TO THE SHOW.

THEY MAY SEEM BIG, BUT THEY'RE NOT.

THE NETWORK ASKED US TO REFOCUS THE SHOW.

SO...

CASSIE, SHE NOW LIVES IN THE APARTMENT ALONE.

WHAT?

- I DO? - YEAH.

THE IDEA IS TO JUST OPEN THINGS UP A LITTLE BIT,

LIKE MAKE IT LESS CLAUSTROPHOBIC.

SO, WHERE AM I?

YOU LIVE IN AN ANOTHER APARTMENT IN THE BUILDING,

BUT YOU'RE STILL DOWN AT CASSIE'S APARTMENT A LOT.

IT'S LIKE-- IT'S LIKE THE MAIN HANG OUT, A LA "SEINFELD."

WAIT, DID I JUST SAY "A LA"?

PRAISE ALLAH!

YO, WHAT ABOUT US?

Paulie G: MOONER AND STITCH LIVE IN ANOTHER UNIT IN THE CONDO.

OH, ANOTHER UNIT? WOW, AUNT SASSY'S A LAND BARON. WHO KNEW?

SO ARE YOU, UH, EVER GONNA SEE OUR APARTMENT?

OH, YEAH! YEAH YEAH!

EVENTUALLY. LIKE--

YEAH, AND WE FOUND

THESE TWO HILARIOUS GUYS WE'RE BRINGING ONTO THE SHOW.

Tom: WHO LIVE IN ANOTHER UNIT IN THE BUILDING.

Paulie G: THEY'RE A COMEDY TEAM I SAW AT THE ASPEN COMEDY FESTIVAL.

THEY DO THIS WHOLE--

THEY DO THIS WHOLE PAKISTANI-GIBBERISH THING.

IT'S, LIKE-- ( speaks mock Hindi )

SO THEY'RE GONNA BE CASSIE'S PEN PALS FROM INDIA.

ANYWAY, YOU'LL SEE.

- WOW, COMEDY TEAM. FUN! REAL FUN! - Tom: MMM.

SO, THERE YOU GO. THAT'S THE NEW "ROOM AND BORED."

- WHAT ABOUT AUNT SASSY? - YEAH.

- ( cell phone vibrates ) - WHOA WHOA!

OH, MY WIFE.

I ACTUALLY HAVE TO TAKE THIS.

MY KID HAS THE FLU, SO.

OH, YEAH, TAKE IT. SURE, YEAH.

Tom: HI.

( whispers ) DO YOU WANT TO TELL ME ABOUT THE...?

( Tom whispering )

OKAY. YEAH, I LOVE YOU TOO.

FEVER BROKE.

AW, GREAT. POOR LITTLE GUY, YEAH.

- Tom: ACTUALLY, IT'S A GIRL. - OH, IS IT? OH.

THAT'S NICE, YEAH.

- DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL. SO? - Tom: YEAH.

- WHA-- WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT? - AUNT SASSY.

OH OH, RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT!

- YEAH? - YEAH, THINGS PRETTY MUCH STAY THE SAME WITH YOU.

YOU JUST COME IN AND OUT OF CASSIE'S APARTMENT.

OH, GREAT! SO, I'M UNALTERED?

THAT'S GREAT. NO BIG CHANGES, THEN?

- Tom: NO CHANGES. NONE. - OH, GREAT.

- SO, IT'S WORKING FOR YOU? - IT'S WORKING GREAT.

- YOU'RE BOTH HAPPY? GREAT! - IT'S WORKING GREAT.

AH, GOOD! OKAY.

THIS IS MY APARTMENT.

DO YOU LIKE IT?

( Tom laughs )

- Both: WHAT? WHAT? - ( laughing )

YOU MUST BE TIRED FROM YOUR TRIP. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO BED?

OH.

( both speaking mock Hindi )

( Tom and Paulie G laughing )

Juna: AWESOME!

YOU STAY HERE AND I'LL GO PUT MY LITTLE NIGHTIE ON.

I LOVE HAVING MY PEN PALS HERE.

( singing in high pitch )

MAN, THAT CHICK IS HOT.

HOW SWEET IS IT THAT WE FOUND THAT PEN PAL LETTER?

- ( Paulie G guffaws ) - Tom: AND CUT!

- Tom: NICE! - Paulie G: AWESOME! AWESOME!

Tom: OKAY, LET'S MOVE ON! NEXT SCENE, EVERYBODY!

YO, MY MAN, CAN WE DO THIS AGAIN?

WE LIKE TO DO THINGS A FEW TIMES JUST TO PLAY AROUND.

- TOM? PAULIE G? - WHATEVER YOU NEED.

Wagner: WHATEVER YOU NEED.

UH, BUT THIS TIME, TRY TO BE FUNNY.

YOU DON'T WANT FUNNY. THIS IS A SITCOM.

( crew jeering )

Wagner: CLEAR THE SET, EVERYONE. WE'RE GOING AGAIN.

MAN, WE'RE JUST HANGING AROUND WATCHING EVERYONE ELSE REHEARSE.

GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO MY WORLD. ( laughs )

( Valerie speaks mock Hindi )

( laughs )

AND THE OTHER ONE GOES...

- THAT SOUNDS FUNNY. - OH, YEAH, IT IS.

- THEY DO IT AS FUNNY AS YOU? - WELL, DIFFERENT,

BUT YEAH. YEAH.

DO IT AGAIN.

SEE? EVERYTHING WORKED OUT FOR THE BEST.

MM-HMM. WELL, FOR ME, YEAH, 'CAUSE I'M UNALTERED.

YOU KNOW? BUT FOR JESSE AND CHRIS,

THEY ARE NOT THRILLED WITH THINGS AT ALL.

IN FACT, CHRIS IS SO PISSED OFF THAT--

THIS IS ACTUALLY KIND OF FUNNY--

HE SAID HE'S SO MAD, HE'S NOT GOING TO LEARN "THOSE F-ING GUYS' NAMES."

HE'S GONNA CALL THEM THE BEADIE-BEADIE BOYS. ( laughs )

WELL, YOU HAD TO BE THERE, 'CAUSE--

Franchesca: DADDY, I'M HERE!

YEAH, WELL, 15 MINUTES LATE.

YEAH, IT'S ONLY 15 MINUTES.

CURFEW'S A CURFEW, MARK. YOU'RE THE FATHER.

YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING. HELLO HELLO HELLO.

WELL, WHO DO WE HAVE HERE?

- THIS IS MY BEST FRIEND KALLA. - HELLO, BEST FRIEND KALLA.

I THOUGHT YOUR BEST FRIEND WAS BRICE STEIN.

MM, YEAH, WELL.

UH, OKAY, THIS IS MY DAD, THIS IS VALERIE

AND THIS IS THE CAMERA CREW.

THEY'RE TOTALLY HERE ALL THE TIME.

- BANANAS. - WE DON'T PLAY TO THEM.

YOU HAVE TO PRETEND LIKE THEY'RE NOT HERE.

- RIGHT. - YOU'RE LATE.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, BUT WE WERE AT KEVIN COSTNER'S HOUSE AND--

YOU WERE AT KEVIN COSTNER'S?

YEAH, HIS SON'S INTO KALLA.

Mark: YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE STILL LATE.

THEY WERE AT KEVIN COSTNER'S HOUSE, MARK.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

15 MINUTES IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD, RIGHT?

- ( chuckling ) - YEAH, WELL, WE WERE WAITING.

VALERIE WENT TO THE TROUBLE TO ORDER THIS NICE MEAL FROM TOSCANA.

OH, WELL, WE JUST ATE.

YEAH, WE SPLIT AN ATKINS BAR.

YOU SPLIT AN ATKINS BAR? THAT'S NOT FOOD. OKAY?

LISTEN, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING, FRANCHESCA.

IF YOU'RE GONNA BE HERE THE WHOLE WEEK, YOU HAVE TO EAT.

YOUR MOTHER'S GONNA BE SO MAD AT ME.

FINE. I'LL HAVE SOME RAPINI.

Valerie: GOOD.

SO, YOU'RE ON THAT JUNA MILLKEN SHOW, RIGHT?

- ( Mark chuckling ) - OKAY.

THAT'S NOT WHAT WE CALL IT. ( chuckling )

- WHAT IS SHE LIKE? - SHE'S WONDERFUL.

- ( cell phone ringing ) - Valerie: WOULD YOU LIKE SOME PASTA?

- NOT AT THAT TABLE, CHESA. - Valerie: IT'S RUDE.

IT'S REALLY RUDE, ESPECIALLY-- YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE KALLA RIGHT HERE.

IT'S FROM KALLA.

- ( cell phone rings ) - OH.

YEAH, KALLA WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU CAN TAKE US

TO JUNA'S CD SIGNING AT THE VIRGIN MEGASTORE TOMORROW.

WELL, YOU CAN TELL KALLA I'D BE HAPPY TO.

BANANAS.

( cell phone rings )

( chuckles ) BANANAS.

DO YOU WANT SOME MILK, DEAR?

- MILK? - Mark: IT'S SKIM.

MORNING, GREG. MORNING, KAVEEN.

- MORNING. - MORNING.

LISTEN, I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU GUYS YOU WERE HILARIOUS YESTERDAY.

- HILARIOUS. - OH, THANKS.

IN FACT, I WAS DOING YOU FOR MY HUSBAND LAST NIGHT AT HOME,

AND I WAS GETTING LAUGHS AS YOU.

- OH, REALLY? - ( laughs ) YEAH.

- WOW. - SO, IT MADE ME THINK.

YOU KNOW WHAT MIGHT BE REAL FUN?

IF SASSY THINKS SHE CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR LANGUAGE.

YOU KNOW-- ( speaks mock Hindi )

YOU KNOW? EXCEPT SHE'S DOING IT HER WAY.

RIGHT?

OKAY, WE'RE INDIAN,

SO YOU SAYING THAT IS LIKE A WHITE PERSON

MAKING FUN OF AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN.

I-I'M SORRY.

NO, I'M FUCKING WITH YOU.

OH, VERY GOOD!

- YOU GOT ME. - GOOD.

GOOD, LISTEN. CAN YOU NOT SAY THE F-WORD?

'CAUSE IT'S A NETWORK REALITY SHOW.

- LOVE TO USE YOU ON IT. - AH, FUCK, I'M SORRY.

HAMMERHEAD, YOU JUST SAID FUCK AGAIN.

DON'T SAY FUCK OR THEY CAN'T FUCKING USE IT.

- OH, FUCK. - OKAY, GOOD. I'M GONNA HEAD OUT.

OKAY, SO, I WON'T SAY FUCK AGAIN!

THAT'S RIGHT. NOW, WHAT WORD ARE YOU NOT GOING TO SAY?

- FUCK? - THAT'S RIGHT. DON'T SAY FUCK.

- GOT IT. NO FUCK. - ACTORS AND STAND-UPS, IT'S ALWAYS A DICEY MIX.

Greg: AH, FUCK! I JUST SAID FUCK AGAIN!

- FUCK YES! - ( groans ) FUCK ME!

MMM, THIS IS DELICIOUS.

THIS IS GOOD.

WELL, HELLO HELLO HELLO.

HEY, VAL, CAN WE TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

SURE, YEAH, HAVE A SEAT.

( sighs )

EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? YOU SEEM A LITTLE UPSET?

- SHOULD I LEAVE? - NO, MAN, YOU'RE COOL.

WHAT'S UP WITH YOU TALKING TO THOSE BEADIE BOYS?

- I'M SORRY? - WE SAW YOU TALKING TO THEM THIS MORNING.

YOU KNOW, WE'RE TRYING TO FREEZE THOSE DICKS OUT.

OKAY. NO, I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WERE TRYING TO FREEZE.

THEY'RE RUNNING ALL OVER THE SHOW, VAL.

- WELL... - THE WRITERS CUT FOUR OF MY LINES LAST NIGHT,

SO THOSE GUYS CAN... ( speaks mock Hindi ) WHATEVER!

I JUST WANT TO BUST THEIR FACES, YOU KNOW?

WELL, ALL RIGHT, CHRIS, JUST CALM DOWN, OKAY?

MAYBE GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK? DIET COKE?

- CHRIS IS PISSED OFF. - I'M PISSED OFF.

I KNOW YOU ARE. I KNOW, BUT, YOU KNOW?

ONE SECOND. EXCUSE ME?

YEAH, I'VE GOT TO GET THESE GUYS SOME COOL DRINKS.

SO, ICE TEA?

- YEAH, THAT'S COOL. - SO, TWO ICE TEAS.

WAIT A MINUTE. IS IT RASPBERRY OR PASSION FRUIT?

I DON'T KNOW.

MMM, PASSION. IT'S PASSION.

- YEAH. - YEAH, TWO ICE TEAS.

- THANKS, CARLOS. - THAT'S JUAN.

- MICKEY, PLEASE. - LOOK, I'M QUITTING THE SHOW.

YOU ARE NOT QUITTING. YOU ARE NOT QUITTING ANYTHING.

AND JUNA, SHE'S IN EVERYTHING. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

OKAY, YOU KNOW, I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET,

BUT YOU CAN'T LET THAT--

WE CAN'T START TURNING ON EACH OTHER, OKAY?

WE HAVE TO BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER IS WHAT WE HAVE TO DO.

WE'RE THE ORIGINAL FIVE, ALL RIGHT?

- WE ARE THE SHOW. - IT'S NOT COOL.

BOYS, IT'S TV. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME,

AND YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO ROLL WITH IT, MY FRIENDS.

THAT'S HOW YOU SURVIVE.

- TRUE DAT! - MMM.

ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU ARE UPSET, OKAY?

I HEAR YOU, BUT I-- HAVE YOU CONSIDERED TALKING TO TOM

- OR PAULIE G ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL? - OH, MAN.

I MEAN, PAULIE'S ALWAYS LAUGHING AT THOSE GUYS.

- WELL... - HE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO TALK TO US ANYMORE.

Jesse: OH, MAN.

OH, COME ON, MAN. IT'S COOL.

IS HE CRYING? CRYING?

Jesse: COME ON, MAN.

Valerie: OH, YOUR ICE TEA'S HERE. CHRIS, WANNA HAVE A SIP?

MAYBE IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

WE DON'T HAVE TO WAIT IN LINE, DO WE?

HARDLY. I WOULD TO KILL MYSELF.

STAY CLOSE, GIRLS, WILL YOU?

- BACK OF THE LINE, PLEASE. - I'M A FRIEND OF JUNA'S, SO IT'S OKAY.

VALERIE CHERISH.

WHAT'S THE NAME AGAIN?

- Jane: VALERIE CHERISH. - VALERIE CHERISH.

WE WERE JUST IN THERE SETTING UP ANOTHER CAMERA FOR HER.

- IT'LL BE A SECOND. - I'VE GOT-- YEAH, THANK YOU.

IS THAT A CIGARETTE? IS THAT A CIGARETTE?

- YEAH, KALLA SMOKES. - OH, NO, KALLA DOESN'T.

PUT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW.

IT'S AN AMERICAN SPIRIT. NO HARMFUL CHEMICALS.

JUST TAR AND NICOTINE, THAT'S ALL.

PUT IT OUT, RIGHT NOW.

VALERIE, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.

I CAN'T HAVE A MINOR SMOKING ON MY SHOW.

- SHE DOES IT ALL THE TIME. IT'S OKAY. - OUT! IT HAS TO GO OUT!

- STOP ARGUING WITH ME. - PEOPLE ARE STARING.

- GOD. - YOU SHOULDN'T FLICK IT. YOU CAN HURT SOMEONE.

YOU KNOW THAT GUY CHRIS ON YOUR SHOW?

- YES. - HE IS SO HOT.

OH MY GOD. I LOVE IT WHEN HE TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF.

- ( gasps ) - HE IS VERY VERY CUTE, CHRIS.

YOU'VE GOTTA HOOK ME UP WITH HIM.

AND NOW I'M IN JAIL. ( chuckles )

- I'M NOT GONNA HOOK YOU UP WITH-- - YOU'RE OKAY.

OH, GREAT. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

APPRECIATE IT. GIRLS, HERE.

- YOU WANNA HOLD ON? - AS IF.

ALL RIGHT.

Valerie: GIRLS, LET ME GET IN FRONT.

HI. NO, I'M FRIENDS WITH HER.

LET ME GET IN FRONT, SO SHE CAN SEE ME.

- Juna: HI, VAL! - OKAY.

- WE'RE IN AND OUT. - Juna: HI, FRANCHESCA!

- HI, JUNA. - YOUR OUTFIT IS GREAT!

- THANK YOU. - SO GLAD YOU SAID SOMETHING.

- SHE CHANGED ABOUT 10 TIMES. - VALERIE!

- REAL CUTE, HUH? - IT'S GREAT.

YEAH, ANYHOW, THIS IS MY BEST FRIEND KALLA.

- HI, KALLA, NICE TO MEET YOU. - HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.

IF YOU COULD JUST SIGN ONCE FOR FRANCHESCA AND ONE FOR KALLA.

- KALLA WITH A K. - Juna: SURE.

WITH A K.

VAL, I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME TODAY.

- WOULDN'T MISS IT. - NO ONE ELSE FROM THE SHOW CAME.

- REALLY? - MMM.

- ( gasps ) OH MY GOD! - ( shrieks )

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, WHY DON'T YOU EACH FIND A CD AND I'LL BUY IT FOR YOU.

DON'T GET LOST.

SUDDENLY, I FEEL SO DISTANCED FROM ALL OF THEM.

HI, I THINK YOU'RE AWESOME.

IT FEELS LIKE THEY THINK I WANT TO BE THE CENTER OF THE SHOW.

LISTEN, YOU CAN'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

YOU CAN'T. THOSE BOYS ARE A MESS. THEY'RE A MESS.

I TOLD CHRIS HE SHOULD TALK TO PAULIE G, AND HE CRIED.

- OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? - WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S BECAUSE HIS DAD WAS THIS HUGE ALCOHOLIC,

SO HE CAN'T DEAL WITH INTENSE FEELINGS.

IS HE? I DIDN'T KNOW.

- Man: I THINK YOU'RE SO HOT. - Juna: OH, THANK YOU!

NICE.

- THANKS. - THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK YOU SHOULD DO?

- IF YOU WOULD, IT WOULD BE GREAT-- - Girl: HI!

- Juna: HI. - MAKE IT OUT TO WENDY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? CAN WE JUST HAVE A MINUTE?

JUST ONE SECOND? YEAH?

JUST TEN SECONDS.

YOU SHOULD TALK TO THE GUYS, OKAY,

AND JUST LET THEM FEEL SOME SUPPORT.

LET THEM FEEL THAT THEY'RE BEING HEARD.

- OKAY. THANK YOU, VAL. - IT GOES A LONG WAY.

I WILL TOTALLY DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.

Man #2: HEY, WE'RE IN LINE HERE!

OH, OKAY OKAY OKAY!

- ALL RIGHT, YOU'LL DO THAT. PROBLEM SOLVED. - I WILL.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH, VAL. - DON'T KEEP YOUR FANS WAITING.

THANKS, EVERYONE. VALERIE CHERISH.

LET'S FIND THE GIRLS.

THEY DIDN'T GO OUTSIDE, DID THEY? YEAH, OKAY.

Chris: YOU GONNA START MAKING OUT WITH THOSE GUYS?

- Juna: NO. - Chris: DAMN STRAIGHT YOU ARENT!

LOOK AT THAT.

NOW, THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO SEE!

THE WHOLE GANG BACK TOGETHER. THAT'S GREAT.

VAL, THEY JUST CUT CHRIS AND JESSE'S WHOLE STORYLINE.

- OH, BOY, THE WHOLE STORY? - Jesse: YEAH, THE WHOLE THING.

THEY CUT THE SCENE WHERE HE PUT FIRECRACKER IN HIS ASS.

THEY CUT THE SCENE WHERE WE PUT THE SOCKS ON OUR DICKS AND RAN AROUND THE LIBRARY.

- EVERYTHING! - WE HAVE THREE LINES IN THE WHOLE FUCKING SHOW!

I MEAN, THE ENTIRE EPISODE IS ABOUT THOSE LAME-ASS BEADIE BOYS!

- YEAH, WELL, IT'S-- - YEAH, IT'S TERRIBLE,

AND WE FEEL LIKE WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

WELL, LISTEN, BEFORE YOU GET ALL CRAZY--

- NO, IT'S PAST THAT. - NO, LISTEN. JUST REMEMBER

THAT THESE GUYS ARE MORK FROM ORK RIP-OFFS.

- YOU KNOW? - WHAT?

YOU KNOW-- ( speaks mock Hindi )

AND "NANU-NANU." SOUND FAMILIAR?

- ROBIN WILLIAMS? - OH, YEAH, FROM "JUMANJI."

- FROM WHAT? - WHAT?

WE THOUGHT THAT WE SHOULD ALL STAY HOME FROM WORK TOMORROW

- TO PROTEST. - OH, BOY!

- NOT A GOOD IDEA. - YEAH, IT IS!

SEE, IF WE ALL STAY HOME, THEY HAVE TO LISTEN TO US.

NO, LISTEN, LISTEN, KIDS. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

WE HAVE A CONTRACT, OKAY?

AND IF YOU STAY HOME FROM WORK,

- THEN YOU ARE IN BREACH OF THAT CONTRACT... - OH, COME ON!

...AND THEY CAN FIRE YOU! THEY CAN! OR TAKE AWAY YOUR HOME!

- YO, I RENT, SO? - ALL RIGHT, THEN THEY CAN TAKE AWAY YOUR BLACKBERRY,

OR YOUR PLAYSTATION, OR YOUR TRUCK!

WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU LOVE, THEY CAN TAKE IT AWAY!

THAT'S RIGHT!

THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO HANDLE IT.

SHAYNE, YOU HAVE A GOOD BUSINESS HEAD.

DID YOU TELL YOUR AGENT ABOUT THIS?

- MY AGENT SAID NOT A GOOD IDEA. - THANK YOU!

- YES. YES. - BUT THEN I PRAYED ON IT,

- AND JESUS IS WITH US. - YEAH, JESUS IS IN THE HOUSE, VAL.

- Jesse: AMEN. - ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, CHRIS, YOU HAVE TO FIND A WAY.

STALK TO PAULIE G, LET HIM KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

- IS HE...? - CHRIS?

IT'S JUST-- LISTEN.

CAN'T WE JUST-- WE'VE GOT TO FIND ANOTHER WAY.

ISN'T THERE ANYTHING THAT YOU CAN DO

TO GET THEM TO LISTEN? ANYTHING?

MAYBE IF YOU GO TO THEM WITH A LIST,

LIKE, OF OUR COMPLAINTS.

( stammers )

MAYBE I CAN JUMP ON A LAND MINE!

ALL RIGHT, VAL-- VAL,

WE KNOW IT'S SORT OF A BIG MOVE,

BUT IT'LL WORK IF WE ALL DO IT TOGETHER.

WELL, YOU KNOW, LISTEN. I HAVE PROPERTY--

VAL, YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SAID WE HAVE TO BE THERE FOR ONE ANOTHER.

THE ORIGINAL FIVE. YOU SAID THAT, REMEMBER?

- YEAH. - Juna: WHEN JESSE TOLD ME YOU SAID THAT--

VAL, IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.

Shayne: THAT WAS REALLY COOL.

- WELL... - Jesse: JUST ONE DAY, VAL.

- JUST TO MAKE A STATEMENT. - YEAH.

IT'S JUST A REAL BIG BUILDING TO LEAP OFF OF.

OH, COME ON, IT WON'T MEAN ANYTHING WITHOUT YOU.

Jesse: NOPE.

YEAH, OF COURSE IT WON'T.

UM, ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT!

- Together: YES! - I'LL DO IT.

- THANK YOU! - WHOO!

- THANK YOU. - I STAND BY YOU. I STAND BY YOU, OKAY?

- THANK YOU SO MUCH. - Chris: IT'S GONNA WORK.

( camera beeps )

( clears throat ) WELL, TOMORROW WE ARE STAGING A COUP.

A "ROOM AND BORED" COUP.

AND, AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGMENT,

I HAVE DECIDED TO SUPPORT MY FELLOW CAST MEMBERS.

AND IT HAS SHAKEN ME TO THE BONE.

Mark: I'D RETHINK THIS.

MARK, DON'T LISTEN IN.

IT'S A PRIVATE, PERSONAL VIDEO DIARY.

- I'M JUST TELLING YOU HOW I FEEL. - I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL,

BUT HIS SHIP HAS SAILED AND I'M ON IT.

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

- IF YOU WANT TO MAKE A STAND-- - I'M NOT DOING THIS WITH MY HEAD,

I'M DOING IT WITH MY HEART.

- OKAY. - OKAY.

YOU'RE AS BAD AS FRANCHESCA WITH THE PEER PRESSURE.

THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT. GEE!

I'M JUST LOOKING OUT FOR MY GIRL.

WELL, THANK YOU.

DON'T WORRY, I'M LOOKING OUT FOR MYSELF.

AND TO THAT END...

I'M GOING ON VIDEO RECORD RIGHT NOW BY SAYING

EVEN THOUGH I AM PLANNING ON DOING THIS

I DO NOT ENDORSE IT.

I DO NOT ENDORSE IT.

AND I HAVE IT ON RECORD.

THAT'S NOT LEGALLY BINDING.

- MARK, ALL RIGHT! - ( beeps )

YOU KNOW, GIRLS, SOMETIMES YOU HAVE STEP OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE.

THEY ASKED ME TO BE THERE FOR THEM AND I DID.

LOYALTY IS IMPORTANT. IT'S IMPORTANT.

- YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS IMPORTANT? - WHAT?

HEALTH INSURANCE.

( Valerie sighs ) MICKEY, NO.

THEY CAN'T FIRE ALL FIVE OF US. THERE WOULD BE NO SHOW!

I JUST DON'T THINK WE SHOULD ROCK THE BOAT

WITH NEHRU AND GHANDI WAITING TO TAKE OUR PLACE.

- VAL? - YEAH?

WHEN THEY ASKED YOU NOT TO WORK, WAS CHRIS WEARING A SHIRT?

- ( cell phone ringing ) - I--

- OH, IT'S JUNA. - ( girls shriek )

HI, BABY GIRL.

- Juna: Valerie. Oh my God! - ( girls shriek )

OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH NOW.

- HI. - Oh my God. Val, where are you?

- WELL, I'M AT HOME. WHERE ELSE WOULD I BE? - Val, we all came in.

- WHAT? YOU'RE THERE? - Yes. Oh my God, I'm so sorry!

We all decided to come in because our agents said we were being stupid.

WELL, BECAUSE IT IS STUPID! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE CALL ME?

Chris was supposed to call, but emotionally he just totally shut down.

UH-HUH! UH-HUH!

MICKEY, THEY'RE ALL THERE.

OH, BOY! THIS IS NOT GOOD!

We didn't know you were staying home until now,

and we just thought you had a late call. Eddie's looking for you.

- ( tone sounds ) - WELL, THAT'S EDDIE NOW! I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!

- HELLO? - Eddie: Val, where are you?

- We're rehearsing. - I KNOW. I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY, EDDIE. I'M RUNNING LATE.

Okay, can you get here as soon as possible?

- Because we're holding up everything for you. - I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, I CAN'T GET THIS SHOE ON!

LEAVE IT!

OKAY, WAIT, NO, THERE IT IS.

- JANE, GET EVERYBODY IN THE-- - LEAVE THEM! LEAVE THEM!

FRANCHESCA, SWEETHEART, LISTEN.

STAY HERE WITH ESPERANZA, ALL RIGHT?

AND NOBODY DIVE WHILE I'M GONE! NO DIVING!

- ( groans ) - Franchesca: TELL JUNA I LOVE HER!

- ( girls scream ) - OH, GOD!

OH, SHIT! I'M WEARING MY BATHING SUIT!

- WEAR IT! - MICKEY, I'M NOT GOING TO THE STUDIO IN MY SARONG!

( groans ) OKAY, JANE! JANE!

YOU'VE GOT TO GET EVERYBODY INTO THE-- I'LL BE DOWN IN 10 MINUTES!

JUST GIVE ME 10 MINUTES, THAT'S ALL!

OOH, SLIPPERY!

Mickey: BREATHE. BREATHE.

Valerie: MY THROAT'S CLOSING UP.

OW! ( groans )

OH, GOD. GET THE DOOR.

EDDIE.

RELAX, VAL, WE'RE ON A 20-MINUTE BREAK.

YEAH, LISTEN, I AM SO SORRY.

- IT'S OKAY. - DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE KIDS ARE?

- CHRIS'S DRESSING ROOM, I THINK. - ALL RIGHT.

( panting )

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, I NEED A MINUTE! I NEED A MINUTE!

- WAIT, WAIT! - PLEASE, JANE, I NEED A MINUTE!

- OH, FUCK. - Jesse: YOU GOT HERE FAST.

Valerie: YES, I DID. AND MICKEY'S ALMOST DEAD IN THE HALLWAY!

THANK YOU! NOW, LISTEN EVERYBODY!

I HAVE NEVER, NEVER NOT SHOWN UP FOR WORK EVER IN MY LIFE!

NOT EVEN EPISODE 37 OF "I'M IT" WHEN I HAD WALKING PNEUMONIA!

OH MY GOD! VAL, WE ARE SO SORRY.

Valerie: WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME, CHRIS, HUH?

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE EACH OTHER'S BACKS HERE!

NO NO, DON'T CRY.

NOPE.

- VAL! - YES, EDDIE?

TOM AND PAULIE G ARE WAITING FOR YOU IN THEIR HANG OUT ROOM.

- OKAY. - OKAY, NOW.

- THANKS, EDDIE! - GO DOWN. GET IN THE ROOM.

Juna: VAL, WE ARE SO, SO SORRY. I'M SO SORRY!

HERE.

GO TO MY DRESSING ROOM. JUST RELAX.

( sighs )

HI. HI, GUYS.

- Tom: HI. - HI.

- SO... - ( Paulie G sighs )

- HI. - Tom: HEY.

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

OH, NO NO NO. I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM.

- ( chuckles ) NO. - NO?

WELL, YOU STAYED HOME FROM WORK TODAY,

AND ACTORS USUALLY DO THAT WHEN THEY'RE UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING,

- SO-- SO, WHAT? - WELL...

DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE NEW GUYS TAKING YOUR STAGE TIME?

NO NO NO!

I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THEM! THEY'RE FUNNY!

I THINK THEY'RE SO FUNNY. ( speaks mock Hindi )

( chuckles ) SEE?

YEAH. SEE, HERE'S THE THING.

UM, I JUST STAYED HOME BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE WAS GONNA STAY HOME.

NOBODY ELSE STAYED HOME.

WELL, I KNOW. THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO STAY HOME.

WAIT A SECOND. WHO WAS GONNA STAY HOME?

WELL, I DON'T WANT TO NAME NAMES,

YOU KNOW? BUT LET ME JUST SAY YOU SHOULD KNOW

THAT YOU'VE GOT YOUR HANDS FULL HERE WITH THE KIDS.

THE KIDS ARE ONES WITH THE PROBLEM?

YES, PAULIE. YES, THEY ARE.

CHRIS AND JESSE FEEL VERY THREATENED BY THE BEADIE-BEADIE BOYS.

- ESPECIALLY CHRIS. - THE WHAT BOYS?

I'M SORRY. GREG AND VENEER--

UH, KAVEEN.

- YEAH. - WHY DO YOU CALL THEM THE BEADIE-BEADIE BOYS?

OH, BEADIE, BEADIE, BOT, BOT, YOU KNOW?

CHRIS THOUGHT IT UP, ACTUALLY.

HE SAID HE WAS SO F-ING MAD AT THEM, HE COULDN'T EVEN SAY THEIR NAMES.

OH.

WELL, THEN WHY DIDN'T CHRIS COME TALK TO US?

WELL, APPARENTLY, UM... ( clears throat )

APPARENTLY, HIS FATHER IS A HUGE ALCOHOLIC,

AND SO HE HAS SOME ISSUES WITH-- YOU KNOW?

I SHOULDN'T--

( clears throat ) YOU KNOW?

YES, I STAYED HOME IN SUPPORT OF THEM. YOU SEE?

IN SUPPORT OF THEM. BUT I HAVE IT ON VIDEO RECORD

THAT I DID IT, BUT I DID NOT ENDORSE IT, OKAY?

I DID NOT ENDORSE IT!

LOOK, YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT A SITCOM IS LIKE A FAMILY, ALL RIGHT?

AND THIS ONE NEEDS YOUR ATTENTION!

- Tom: HUH? - YOU ARE LIKE THE PARENTS TO THOSE KIDS.

YOU KNOW, PAULIE, YOU'RE LIKE THE WILD, OUT-THERE DAD.

AND, TOM, YOU'RE THE MOMMY.

I THINK MY EARS ARE BLEEDING. ARE MY EARS BLEEDING?

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, MY ONLY POINT IS--

THAT THE KIDS HAVE ISSUES, YOU NEED TO TALK TO THEM,

AND I DON'T WANT ANYTHING! OKAY?

SO, IF YOU COULD JUST FORGET ABOUT ALL OF THIS, ALL RIGHT?

AND I PROMISE I WILL NEVER NOT COME TO WORK AGAIN.

FINE WITH ME.

MOMMY?

THAT'S-- THAT'S FINE.

- Valerie: OKAY. ALL RIGHT. - THAT'S FINE.

GOOD. OKAY, YEAH.

Valerie: OH, MICKEY, YOU'RE HERE. ALL RIGHT.

FEELING BETTER?

HEY, PRO, THANKS FOR KEEPING US WAITING.

WELL, I'M SORRY I KEPT YOU WAITING.

MAYBE YOU DON'T KEEP ME WAITING WHILE YOU WORK OUT YOUR BITS.

OKAY. WE'RE TRYING TO MAKE YOUR SHITTY SITCOM FUNNY.

DON'T FUCKING TALK TO HER LIKE THAT! SHE'S ONE OF US!

- THIS IS OUR SHOW! - I'LL KICK YOUR ASS BACK TO ORK!

( men clamoring )

GET OFF THE STAGE, MAN!

- Chris: RUN AWAY, YOU MORK RIP-OFFS! - WATCH OUT.

RESPECT HER! SHE'S ONE OF THE ORIGINAL FIVE!

Eddie: BACK TO WORK. SHOW'S OVER.

- Jesse: BULLSHIT, MAN. - Eddie: TAKE A BREAK. SIT DOWN.

COME ON, BACK TO WORK.

Chris: LOOK, I KNOW I'M A JERK, BUT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

- THEY'RE TAKING ALL OUR STUFF! - ALL RIGHT, I THINK-- YOU KNOW WHAT NOW?

THE GOOD PART IS NOW IT'S GOING TO BE ABOUT HEALING,

I THINK. YOU KNOW? THAT'S--

THINGS HAVE TO BLOW APART BEFORE THEY COME BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.

SO, THAT'S THE GOOD NEWS.

( rock music playing )

LOOKS LIKE THERE'S A PARTY.

WOW.

OH, BOY.

NOT HAPPY. FRANCHESCA?

FRANCHESCA, I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD HAVE MORE PEOPLE.

- ARE YOU SMOKING? - NOT ANYMORE.

DON'T THROW IT IN THE POOL!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH-- IS THAT WINE?

- IS THAT WINE? - KALLA OPENED A BOTTLE OF RED.

- YOU DID, DID YOU? - IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

IT'S A BIG DEAL. I'M CALLING YOUR MOTHER.

I'M GONNA HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HER.

Kalla: I THOUGHT YOU WERE COOL.

I AM COOL, I'M JUST NOT A CRIMINAL!

PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON, RIGHT NOW, ALL OF YOU!

ALL OF YOU, PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON!

I'M CALLING ALL OF YOUR PARENTS. ALL OF THEM.

BECAUSE THAT'S TOO MUCH. WHO ARE YOU?

WHO'S THIS? THERE'S A BOY HERE?

HEY, GET BACK HERE! GET BACK HERE!

JANE, CUT HIM OFF! GET HIM!

CAN YOU GET HIM?

HELP ME, GUYS, COME ON!

COME HERE! ALL RIGHT! NO NO NO!

- DON'T CLIMB UP THERE! - NO! I DON'T WANNA BE ON CAMERA!

- MY PARENT'S WILL KILL ME! - WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- KEVIN? - COSTNER?

- CHAMBERS. - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

JUST COME DOWN. JANE, HELP.

SOMEONE, HELP. SOUND GUYS, GET HIM DOWN.

BEFORE HE GETS SPLINTERS. HE'S GETTING ALL SCRATCHED.

I CAN'T-- THIS IS TOO MUCH!

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!

COME BACK! HEY!

ALL RIGHT, FINE. GO! GO!

WHERE IS--?

FRANCHESCA, WHERE IS ESPERANZA?

- I SENT HER HOME. - UH-HUH. OKAY.

MARK BERMAN, PLEASE.

- Franchesca: WHAT? WHAT? - MRS. BERMAN. YEAH.

ALL RIGHT. MARK?

WE HAVE GOT A SITUATION HERE AT THE HOUSE,

AND YOU HAVE TO TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTER.

LOOK, I'M NOT THE PARENT, OKAY?

HERE, YOU TELL HIM.

HI, DADDY.

ALL OF YOU PUT THOSE CIGARETTES OUT RIGHT NOW!

- DADDY, SHE'S TOTALLY OVERREACTING. - I DON'T CARE!

I DON'T CARE! CALL YOUR PARENTS AND GET YOURSELVES HOME!

'CAUSE I'M DONE!

I'M DONE! JANE?

THAT'S IT, I'M DONE TAKING CARE OF EVERYBODY.

I'M TAKING A BATH.

I'VE HAD IT.

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