Original subtitles

Man: I'M READY, JANE.

Jane: MICKEY, COULD YOU CLEAR OR ARE YOU ALMOST--

FINITO! I'M OFF LIKE A PROM DRESS.

( chuckles )

I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE.

Jane: SO TONIGHT IS THE PREMIERE OF "ROOM AND BORED."

- YEAH. - NO, I NEED YOU TO SAY THAT.

OH, SURE. OF COURSE YOU DO.

SO TONIGHT IS THE PREMIERE OF "ROOM AND BORED."

AND CAN YOU TELL ME HOW THE REVIEWS HAVE BEEN?

WELL, I DON'T LIKE TO READ REVIEWS

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GET CAUGHT UP

IN WHAT THE CRITICS THINK, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE ON THE ONE HAND YOU HAVE MATT ROUCH FROM "TV GUIDE"

WHO SAYS, "KITSCHY FUN TO SEE VALERIE CHERISH

WHO SHINES AT THE END OF THE EPISODE

IN A VERY FUNNY TAG."

AND THEN YOU HAVE "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE WHO SAYS,

"BOTTOM LINE ON 'ROOM AND BORED'--

WAS NEVER BORED, BUT THERE'S ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT."

SO...

I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT RIGHT. WAIT A SECOND.

THAT'S NOT-- I DON'T THINK THAT-- MICKEY, DO YOU HAVE THE...

REVIEWS? YEAH, GOOD. ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

UM... YEAH.

OH NO, THAT'S "ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY."

"VARIETY." THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT.

HERE IT IS, YEAH, "BOTTOM LINE ON 'ROOM AND BORED'--

ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT, BUT I WAS NEVER BORED."

YOU KNOW.

LEGALLY I HAVE TO SAY EXACTLY WHAT THEY WROTE

OTHERWISE, YOU KNOW, WE'LL BE SCREWED.

All right. If you guys are gonna be living here,

there have to be some ground rules.

Rule #1, no sex.

- Oh. - ( audience laughs )

Dylan: Rule #2, if either of us is horny,

- disregard Rule #1. - ( audience laughing )

FRANCHESCA, HONEY, YOU'RE IN JUNA'S SPACE, DEAR.

OH, NO. THAT'S OKAY. I DON'T MIND AT ALL.

- Cassie: Rule #3, our panty drawers... - OH, YOU'RE SWEET.

are strictly off limits. This means you, Mooner.

Yo, hold up! That was one time. I was cold.

- Oh, and my thong warmed you up? - DAMN STRAIGHT IT DID!

- ( laughing ) - ( audience laughing )

Cassie: Okay, Rule #4, you guys are responsible--

- WHERE DID YOU GET THESE? - ( crinkling loudly )

UM... MY AGENT SENT THEM.

OPENING NIGHT GIFT BASKET.

MARK, YOU'RE MAKING A LOT OF NOISE.

OH, SORRY. SORRY.

Hey, Dylan, still bored?

- Um, no. - ( laughing )

OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS. I WAS SO BAD.

YOU WERE NOT. OH, JUNA DEAR, YOU WERE WONDERFUL.

YOU WERE JUST ADORABLE AND CHARMING.

EVERYTHING GOOD. ALL RIGHT, QUIET, EVERYONE. HERE'S MY TAG.

Girls, I'm gonna unpack your groceries.

( audience laughing )

CONDOMS.

Valerie: OH, I HATE WHEN THEY DO THAT.

THAT IS SO DISRESPECTFUL.

- ( buzzes ) - OH!

- ( engine revving ) - Valerie: WHAT'S THAT NOW?

- ( tires screeching ) - WHAT'S THAT ROBOT DOING...

- Mark: I-I DON'T KNOW. - Valerie: IN MY TAG?

( theme music playing )

WELL, ALL RIGHT, NO ONE SAW THE TAG,

BUT EVERYONE KNOWS WHEN THE PEPSI 400 IS!

- SO... - ( Juna giggles )

UNBELIEVABLE.

( stammers ) WELL, IT RUINED IT.

NOW YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. CAN'T EVEN TELL.

- COULD YOU TELL WHAT WAS IN THE BAG? - YEAH, THERE WAS...

- SEX STUFF IN THE BAG. - YEAH, AT THE END THOUGH.

WHAT WAS IN IT AT THE END? WHAT WAS THAT?

YOU CAN'T TELL, CAN YOU?

WELL YOU WERE THERE AT THE TAPING.

YOU WERE ALL THERE AT THE TAPING, SO YOU KNOW.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE WORLD?

FRANCHESCA, YOU WEREN'T THERE.

COULD YOU TELL WHAT WAS IN THE BAG AT THE VERY END, HMM?

IT WAS A VIBRATOR. THAT'S WHY IT WAS VIBRATING.

JANE?

PROBABLY SHOULDN'T SAY VIBRATOR IN FRONT OF A CHILD, RIGHT? YEAH.

( Mark whispering ) WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET?

MARK, IT WAS THE PREMIERE, ALL RIGHT.

AND THERE'S A LOT RIDING ON IT.

THE FACT IS NO ONE IN AMERICA SAW THAT TAG, OKAY,

WHICH MATT ROUCH WOULD HAVE HAD TO EXPLAIN-- TO MENTION IN HIS REVIEW.

- NO ONE SAW IT. - HONEY, HONEY, THE SHOW IS GOOD.

- AND YOU ARE GOOD. - OH, THANK YOU.

COME ON. OH, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

OKAY.

- ALL RIGHT? COME ON. ( chuckles ) - YES.

- I'M JUST GONNA FRESHEN UP A BIT. - ALL RIGHT.

- THERE YOU GO. - THANK YOU.

- SURE. - OH, MICKEY, I ALMOST FORGOT.

- WHAT IS IT, DEAR? - I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE SEEING ANYONE,

BUT THERE'S THIS GUY IN MY BUILDING,

HE'S LIKE 55 AND SO NICE

AND HIS LOVER JUST DIED.

ANYWAY, I THINK YOU GUYS WOULD TOTALLY HIT IT OFF.

SO IF YOU WANT HIS NUMBER OR SOMETHING JUST LET ME KNOW,

OKAY? ( giggling )

I'LL SEE YOU SOON.

- HEY. - THERE YOU ARE. YOU ALL SET?

- YUP, I GOT EVERYTHING. - GOOD. THERE YOU ARE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TONIGHT, VAL. IT WAS GREAT.

JUNA, DEAR, IT WAS MY PLEASURE.

IT REALLY WAS.

- AND YOU WERE SO GREAT, JUST PHENOMENAL. - OH, THANK YOU.

- AW. - THANK YOU.

AND YOUR TAG WAS REALLY FUNNY.

- AW, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. - IT WAS--

WISH I WEREN'T THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING WOMAN

- TRYING TO FIGHT OFF THE TERMINATOR, RIGHT? - ( Mark laughs )

- WE HAD FUN THOUGH. - YES.

- THAT'S THE IMPORTANT THING. - IT WAS GREAT. THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU GUYS.

- I'LL SEE YOU SOON. - BYE-BYE.

- SO CUTE. CUTE GIRL. - YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW. HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE THERE GONNA BE?

IT'S TWO CAMERAS, ONE SOUND GUY AND ME.

UM, LET ME JUST ASK MY MANAGER.

OKAY.

- ( phone rings ) - Woman: CAFE MONTANA?

( whispers ) GET THEM.

I ALWAYS FORGET WE HAVE TO ASK PERMISSION

- BEFORE WE GO INTO ONE OF THESE PLACES. - VAL,

- I HAVE TO ASK YOU A QUESTION. - YEAH.

DID YOU TELL JUNA I WAS GAY?

DID I-- NO, I DIDN'T.

LAST NIGHT SHE TRIED TO FIX ME UP WITH A MAN.

AND IF YOU DIDN'T TELL HER, I DON'T KNOW WHY

SHE WOULD ASSUME I'M GAY.

WELL...

I'VE GOT TO CHECK INSIDE.

ALL I'M SAYING IS MY PERSONAL LIFE IS PERSONAL.

I JUST DON'T WANT PEOPLE WONDERING BEHIND MY BACK IF I'M GAY.

RIGHT, YEAH, NO. I KNOW.

UH, JANE, WE'RE READY.

THEY DON'T WANT US TO SHOOT IN HERE.

REALLY? I USED TO COME IN HERE ALL THE TIME.

I'M A VALUED CUSTOMER.

ARE YOU IN CHARGE?

- HI, I'M VALERIE CHERISH. - HI. OH, HI.

LISTEN, WE'RE JUST NOT SURE WE WANT A REALITY CREW

- IN HERE DURING THE BREAKFAST RUSH. - UH-HUH, YEAH.

WELL, ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEALLY, OKAY?

I USED TO BE ON A SHOW CALLED, "I'M IT!"

AND MY FRIEND...

MICKEY AND I USED TO HAVE THIS LITTLE TRADITION, YOU KNOW,

AFTER EVERY SHOW, WE'D COME HERE,

DIAL A NUMBER TO CHECK OUT THE RATINGS.

SO NOW I'M ON THIS NEW SHOW "ROOM AND BORED."

AND, UH...

YEAH, SO, YOU KNOW, WE JUST THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE KIND OF NEAT TO...

COME HERE, AND... CALL THAT NUMBER

AND CHECK THE RATINGS LIKE WE USED TO.

- Woman: CAFE MONTANA. - AND IT'S FOR, YOU KNOW, THIS REALITY SHOW TOO.

SO WE'RE GOING TO BE SAYING, "CAFE MONTANA, CAFE MONTANA"

- ALL THE TIME. - J'ADORE CAFE MONTANA.

( woman chuckles )

YEAH.

SWEETIE, COULD I HAVE A CUP OF DECAF

AND A CINNAMON BUN, PLEASE?

- OH WHAT THE HELL, SPECIAL OCCASION. - THAT'S RIGHT.

- WANNA CHECK YOUR RATINGS? - YEAH, LET'S DO THAT.

SO FOR "I'M IT!" WE STARTED AT A NINE

- AND THEN SPENT THAT YEAR BUILDING UP TO A 13. - ( phone ringing )

SO ANYTHING CLOSE TO THAT.

Man: Fast National Ratings for Tuesday.

"Hard Knocks," 6.1, 10 share.

"Pray for Wayne," 5.4, nine share.

"Room and Bored," 3.5, six share.

For shows on competing networks, press four.

- ( phone beeps ) - WHAT DID HE SAY?

3.5?

THAT'S NOT GOOD.

HOW MANY EPISODES DO YOU THINK THEY'LL GIVE US?

WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO, HUH?

MICKEY... START SMALL, END BIG.

RIGHT? ( chuckles )

MISS? HI, CAN I GET ONE OF THOSE TOO?

- SURE. - THANK YOU.

COMFORT FOOD.

- THEY MAKE IT LOOK SO GOOD. - ( both chuckle )

- IS IT HOT? - NO.

OH.

DO YOU WANT ME TO HAVE HER HEAT IT UP?

NO.

- HI, EVERYONE. - All: HEY.

Valerie: AW, RATINGS BLUES?

- HUH? GOT THAT? - Jesse: MM-HMM.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF. I WAS AFRAID OF THAT.

LISTEN... AHEM,

THE WRITERS ARE GOING TO COME DOWN, OKAY, TO TALK TO US.

AND HERE'S WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO SAY.

THEY'RE JUST GOING TO SAY, "LOOK, THE RATINGS--

YEAH, NOT THE SUPER BOWL-- NOT YET!"

RIGHT? UM...

BUT LOOK, THE THING IS IS THAT

IT'S IMPORTANT THAT WE STAY POSITIVE, YOU KNOW.

AND WE'RE A TEAM.

SO WE'VE REALLY GOT TO STAY TOGETHER,

BE POSITIVE, KEEP OUR SPIRITS UP

- 'CAUSE WE STILL HAVE A SHOW TO DO. - ATTENTION, EVERYONE!

- WE SUCK. - ( men laugh )

HEY, 3.5-- IT'S SIMPLE MATH, PEOPLE. WE SUCK.

- YOU SUCK AND YOU SUCK AND YOU SUCK... - ( all groaning )

- AND YOU, HEY! - WHAT ABOUT ME?

- YOU SUCK BALLS. - Jesse: OOH-OOH-OOH!

GUYS, GUYS, EVERYBODY IGNORE HIM!

- IT WASN'T ME. - THIS GUY YELLED "YOU SUCK" AT MY WEDDING.

- AGH! - SO YOU KNOW...

LISTEN, I JUST WANTED TO SAY THE NETWORK IS OKAY WITH THE NUMBERS.

THIS WAS TOTALLY EXPECTED. IT'S FINE.

- IT'S-- IT'S PERFECTLY FINE. - Valerie: OKAY.

I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU GUYS A SHOUT OUT.

ISN'T THAT WHAT THE KIDS ARE SAYING?

KIDS ARE SAYING WE SUCK BALLS.

NO NO, ACTUALLY WE DO NOT SUCK BALLS, ALL RIGHT?

BUT YOU KNOW, WHAT DOES SUCK BALLS IS OUR TIME SLOT.

( laughing ) THAT SUCKS BALLS. KIDDING.

AND ALSO, YOU KNOW, ANOTHER THING IS THAT

YOU HAD THIS BRILLIANTLY FUNNY TAG THAT YOU WROTE

THAT I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO PERFORM AND THE CRITICS LOVED

AND WHAT DO THEY DO? THEY SHOVE IT OVER TO THE SIDE

AND THEN THROW A ROBOT IN THERE

WHO'S GOING, "BIP-BOP-BOOP, MUST DESTROY COMEDY."

UGH, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, IF ANYTHING, IF YOU WANNA BE PROACTIVE,

THE ONE THING YOU CAN DO IS, YOU KNOW,

YOU HAVE THOSE VERY FUNNY MOMENTS AT THE END,

YOU PUT 'EM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOW, WHERE SOMEONE CAN SEE 'EM,

YOU KNOW...

Paulie G: YEAH, MAYBE WE'LL TRY THAT TONIGHT

WHEN WE'RE HERE DOING REWRITES TILL 4:00 IN THE MORNING.

ARE YOU HERE THAT LATE? OH REALLY? WOW!

JUST HATS OFF, YOU GUYS, KILLING YOURSELVES FOR THIS SHOW.

ON BEHALF OF ALL THE ACTORS, YOU KNOW WHAT? THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, TOM, PAULIE G. THANK YOU, GIGI.

AND THANK YOU...

- I WANT TO SAY BARRY. - MILO.

THAT'S RIGHT, MILO. THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH...

AND YOU KNOW, ALL THE OTHERS.

LEAVE NO ONE OUT, THANK YOU.

- ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA HEAD OUT. - COME ON, "BARRY...

- ALL THE OTHERS..." - VERY DISAPPOINTED.

"VERY DISAPPOINTED--" ( laughs sarcastically )

THAT'S SHORT FOR WHAT?

( Valerie sniffing ) DOESN'T THAT SMELL GOOD?

YOU SHOULD GET THAT ONE. THAT ONE'S REAL GOOD.

AHEM, I SHOULD SAY WHAT WE'RE DOING.

IT'S ABOUT 1:00 IN THE MORNING

AND MICKEY AND I DECIDED TO MAKE COOKIES FOR THE WRITERS.

UH... SUGAR CRASH.

HE HAD ABOUT 10 OF THESE.

ANYWAY, I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN

TO DO A SURPRISE LATE-NIGHT COOKIE RUN

JUST AS A THANK YOU TO THE WRITERS FOR ALL THEIR HARD WORK.

'CAUSE ANYONE CAN SEND A BASKET NOW,

BUT THESE ARE HOMEMADE WITH LOVE.

SO... ( giggles )

NOW, I THINK THE KEY TO BAKING

IS YOU CUT THEM REAL THICK.

MM...

- INTO GLOBS... LIKE THAT... - ( static )

Jane: HANG ON, HANG ON ONE SECOND.

- YEAH? - IT'S JUST AN AUDIO PROBLEM.

- Valerie: UH-HUH. - CAN YOU FIX HER MIC?

OKAY.

THAT WAS GOOD TOO.

DID YOU MISS THE--

WHO'S THIS?

- I'M SEAN. - UH-HUH, HI, SEAN.

( whispers ) HEY.

- SWEAT KILLS THESE THINGS. - OH...

YOU TEND TO SWEAT A LOT.

I DON'T THINK I DO. NO, I DON'T, NOT REALLY.

I THINK YOU PROBABLY SWEAT TOO MUCH.

- I'M GONNA HAVE TO REPLACE IT. - ALL RIGHT.

AHEM, YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M SORRY, THAT'S--

ACTUALLY, I THINK THAT'S A UNION THING, A RULE--

IT HAS TO BE A WOMAN, YOU KNOW 'CAUSE I'M A WOMAN.

THIS ISN'T A UNION CREW.

YEAH, NO-- NO, THAT'S RIGHT,

JANE, COULD YOU CHANGE THIS OUT FOR ME?

JANE, WE'LL-- WE'RE JUST GONNA GO IN THERE,

THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING.

- UH, JANE-- - WHAT? YEAH.

WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR REGULAR SOUND GUY? WHAT'S HIS NAME?

- AL. - AL, YEAH...

HE WORKED ALL DAY. WE HAD TO GET A WHOLE NEW CREW FOR THIS.

UH-HUH, YEAH...

I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT MY NEW FRIEND, SEAN.

KIND OF CREEPING ME OUT A LITTLE BIT.

WHAT ARE THOSE-- WHAT ARE THOSE SCRATCHES ON HIS FOREHEAD?

IT LOOKS LIKE-- LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO FIGHT HIM OFF.

YOU KNOW...

THANKS FOR DOING THIS.

I'D DO IT MYSELF, BUT I HAVE COOKIE DOUGH ON MY HANDS.

JUST... YEAH.

- OKAY. - IT'S ON.

THAT'S GOOD.

- OH, RIGHT... - OKAY.

WELL, I'M SORRY, YOU HAVE TO--

THAT'S GOOD. YEAH, THAT'S FINE.

THANK YOU, YEAH, GOOD.

ISN'T THIS FUN? LIKE A SECRET MISSION.

I KNOW. ( laughing )

IT'S ALWAYS FUN TO REWARD PEOPLE FOR THEIR HARD WORK.

SHOW THEM YOU APPRECIATE THEM AND THEN THEY IN TURN APPRECIATE YOU,

AND THE WHEEL GOES AROUND-- KARMA.

OH, THIS IS IT, JANE. IT'S THIS ROOM WITH THE LIGHTS ON.

YEAH... ( laughs )

OH, YOU SHOULD GET THIS. WHAT ARE THEY UP TO?

( all laughing )

OH YEAH! AH! OH MY GOD!

OH DEAR...

- THAT SUPPOSED TO BE YOU? - Tom: YEAH YEAH!

- I GOT IT. - OKAY.

Sean: WOW, LOOK AT THEM GO.

I DO WANNA FEEL IT!

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

DUDE, THEY'RE AT THE DOOR. THEY'RE AT THE DOOR.

- WHAT? - SHIT! SHIT!

ALL RIGHT, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS...

( feigning laughter ) WE'VE GOT A MISSION.

- HELLO HELLO HELLO! - WOW!

- HI, FRESH COOKIES, HOMEMADE. - HEY...

- A LITTLE LATE-NIGHT TREAT. - THANK YOU.

OH, YOU'RE WELCOME, NO, THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HARD WORK.

YEAH...

TOM AND MILO, PAULIE...

ZACK, GIGI, ARTHUR...

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA SNEAK OUT, OKAY?

LET YOU... GET BACK TO YOUR WORK.

- YEAH, OH... - PLUGGING AWAY.

ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

AW...

Jane: DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU JUST SAW...

- ( stutters ) - IN THE WRITERS' ROOM?

YEAH, UH... JANE, THAT WAS NOTHING. IT REALLY WAS JUST,

YOU KNOW, WRITERS BLOWING OFF STEAM, YOU KNOW.

Jane: SO YOU DON'T TAKE THAT PERSONALLY?

OH, PLEASE, NO.

NO, IT'S A COMEDY SHOW, YOU KNOW.

THAT'S PART OF THE CREATIVE PROCESS.

- SO YEAH, OKAY... - OKAY.

Jane: SO YOU DON'T SEE THAT AS A PERSONAL ATTACK?

( laughing ) JANE, YOU REALLY HAVE TO LIGHTEN UP, OKAY?

ATTACK OF WHAT? ATTACK OF THE GIGGLES?

GOT ME-- NO NO NO.

IT'S LATE. WE SHOULD ALL GO HOME, I THINK.

OKAY? EVERYONE DRIVE-- DRIVE SAFE.

WE'RE ALL GOING HOME, SO GO BACK TO YOUR...

HOME.

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING HER, RIGHT?

- Mickey: YOU'RE OKAY? - Valerie: YEAH.

- UM, DO YOU WANT BREAKFAST? I'M TAKING ORDERS. - SURE, YEAH.

SORRY, AHEM. HEY, VAL.

- HEY. - UM, ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH, I'M FINE, I'M FINE.

STILL ONLY IN THE TAG THOUGH--

OH NO, I MEANT-- I MEANT ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

YOU AND THE WRITERS...

OH, THE WRITERS!

OH, THEY WERE JUST HORSING AROUND.

THAT'S, YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.

THAT'S-- WHO TOLD YOU?

- MICKEY TOLD ME. - TOLD YOU WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?

NOTHING, IT'S NOT EVEN WORTH TALKING ABOUT, IT'S NO BIG DEAL--

VAL, YES IT IS. IT'S A HUGE--

VALERIE WENT LAST NIGHT TO THE WRITERS' ROOM

AT LIKE 2:00 IN THE MORNING TO BRING THEM COOKIES.

AND WHEN SHE SHOWED UP, PAULIE HAD MILO BENT OVER THE TABLE

AND MILO WAS PRETENDING TO BE VALERIE

AND PAULIE WAS PRETENDING TO FUCK VALERIE UP THE BUTT.

WELL, IT'S JUST...

OKAY, WHAT DO I WANT FOR BREAKFAST?

- I DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT THIS. - I KNOW, ISN'T IT AWFUL?

WHAT DO I WANT? YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT? THE FRUIT.

- UH, THE SEASONAL BERRIES? - YEAH.

- OR THE MELON SALAD? - YEAH, ALL THE FRUIT. THAT'S GOOD.

VAL, YOU KNOW, IT'S AWFUL. THEY SHOULDN'T DO THAT TO YOU.

WELL, OKAY, HERE IS THE THING ABOUT WRITERS, ALL RIGHT.

THEY HAVE TO SIMULATE SEX 'CAUSE THEY DON'T GET ANY REAL SEX.

JANE,

JANE, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

THAT'S NOT TRUE. WRITERS GET A LOT OF REAL SEX.

OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH, I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS. I'M A CHRISTIAN.

OH, SH-- OH, GOD!

- IS THAT FOR REAL? - YEAH.

I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT SHE'S A CHRISTIAN.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW. I DIDN'T KNOW. I HAD--

WHEW, IT IS A SCORCHER!

Valerie: NICE FAN, MICKEY.

OH, THANKS. $2, CHINATOWN. I HAVE A WHOLE DRAWER FULL.

- ( cell phone rings ) - HELLO?

Woman: Please hold for Jason Silver.

OH, SURE, YEAH, JASON SILVER.

THAT'S THE BIG PRODUCER OF "THE COMEBACK."

SO... JANE'S BOSS, THE BIG CHEESE.

- Valerie, Jason Silver. - HI, STRANGER.

Val, I'm getting on a plane in a second, so we gotta to make this quick.

We have a problem with the black Jesus freak.

YOU MEAN SHAYNE? YEAH, SHE'S LOVELY. LOVELY GIRL.

UH... WE'RE ROLLING, RIGHT, JANE?

I'll go again.

We have a problem with the African-American Christian.

- Jane, is that enough time for an edit? - YEAH, WE'RE GOOD.

Her lawyer faxed us a letter.

Okay, she's a Christian. There's too much talk about sex.

She will not appear on "The Comeback" anymore.

( car honks )

WELL, YOU KNOW, SHE'S A MINOR CHARACTER, SO WE DON'T NEED HER.

Val, we don't know what we need,

plus she's one of the hot kids on "Room and Bored."

How can we explain that she's not on "The Comeback"?

RIGHT, YEAH. YOU KNOW, WE COULD--

MAYBE LIKE THOSE OTHER REALITY SHOWS,

SAY SHE GOT FIRED, OR VOTED OFF OR...

Look, frankly, Val, the Christians, that's like 40% of the viewing audience.

ARE THEY THAT MUCH? WOW! GOD LOVE 'EM.

Okay, I'm getting on a plane. You've gotta fix this.

ALL RIGHT, YEAH-- NO, I'LL FIX IT, I'LL FIX IT.

AHEM.

SHAYNE, IT'S VALERIE.

CAN I COME IN? I HAVE CAMERAS.

- HI. - BUT WE'LL SHOOT OVER YOUR SHOULDER.

YOU KNOW, TO PROTECT YOUR RELIGION AND PRIVACY.

- Shayne: OKAY. - OKAY, SHE SAID OKAY.

- OKAY. - LET'S GET ON THE OTHER SIDE.

Jane: THROUGH THERE.

- JUST HERE AND HERE? - YEAH.

READY? OKAY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MEETING WITH ME.

I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE IF YOU COULD TELL ME WHAT THE PROBLEM IS,

MAYBE WE COULD WORK IT OUT.

( sighs )

I DO NOT WANT TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH A SHOW THAT DOES NOT PROMOTE CHRISTIAN VALUES.

UH-HUH, NOT TO BE DIFFICULT, BUT "ROOM AND BORED--"

THAT'S A SITCOM. MY CHARACTER ON "ROOM AND BORED" ISN'T A CHRISTIAN,

BUT ON "THE COMEBACK," I'M ME.

I SEE... THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE, YEAH.

I SEE, YEAH...

BUT YOU KNOW, I THINK, YOU MIGHT HAVE THE WRONG IMPRESSION OF ME.

I AM A... VERY SPIRITUAL BEING.

ARE YOU A CHRISTIAN?

WELL, NO, I RESPECT ALL RELIGIONS, YOU KNOW,

AS BEING... IMPORTANT

AND VALID... HOLY, YOU KNOW...

AND AS A CELEBRITY I DON'T THINK IT'S RIGHT

TO ENDORSE ANY SPECIFIC RELIGION.

THAT'S A VERY PRIVATE THING AND EACH INDIVIDUAL HAS--

WELL, I'M A CHRISTIAN AND I DON'T THINK JESUS WOULD APPROVE OF REALITY SHOWS.

MM-HMM, YEAH, WELL, I THINK HE MIGHT.

I THINK HE MIGHT BECAUSE YOU KNOW--

FIRST OF ALL, HE ALLOWS THEM TO HAPPEN.

YOU KNOW...

AND IN-- SECOND OF ALL,

HE'S PUT THIS ONE IN YOUR PATH, DIDN'T HE?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU COULD USE MY REALITY SHOW

TO SHOW THE REALITY OF CHRISTIAN LIFE.

WELL...

LET ME CLOSE MY EYES AND PRAY ON IT.

( whispering )

OKAY, I SEE IT. YEAH, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

- OH, ARE YOU BACK IN? - YEAH, I'M IN.

- OH, GOOD, OH! - ( laughing )

OH, GOOD. OH, I'M SO PLEASED.

OH, I'M SO PLEASED THAT YOU'RE GONNA PARTAKE OF MY SHOW.

I REALLY AM. THAT'S GOOD.

UH, CAN WE SHOOT YOUR SIDE OF THE CONVERSATION NOW

SO WE CAN EDIT IT ALL TOGETHER?

- OH SURE, SURE. - OKAY, YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID?

- YEAH, I JUST GONNA PUT A LITTLE POWDER. - POWDER, YEAH, SURE.

Man: HEY PAULIE, YOU NEED A RIDE?

NO, I'M ALL SET, THANKS.

- OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW. - Paulie G: BYE.

- HEY, VAL, VAL! - TOM, HI.

- HEY. - HI.

- THAT WAS SUCH A GOOD SHOW TONIGHT. - WASN'T IT FUN? YEAH.

THAT TAG WAS SO FUNNY. IT-IT--

- OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. - IT-- OH...

WELL, HOPEFULLY A BIG MONSTER TRUCK WON'T ROLL THROUGH THE SCREEN.

- ( laughs loudly ) - YOU KNOW...

- "THROUGH THE SCREEN..." - YEAH.

- OH MAN, SERIOUSLY. - ( car engine starts )

LISTEN, I-I JUST WANTED TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT.

- OH. - SOMETIMES IN THE WRITERS' ROOM...

THINGS KIND OF GET A LITTLE BIT OUT OF CONTROL.

- YEAH, NO-- - YOU KNOW?

YEAH, NO APOLOGY NECESSARY.

I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE ACTORS WHO HAS NO SENSE OF HUMOR,

RUNS OFF TO CALL A LAWYER.

- YEAH. - YEAH...

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, WE WERE JUST BLOWING OFF SOME STEAM.

"BLOWING OFF STEAM," THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING ANYONE WHO'LL LISTEN, YEAH.

- SURE. - YEAH, BUT IT WAS JUST STUPID.

IT WAS... JUST REALLY IMMATURE.

- NO, IT'S REALLY OKAY. - SO I-- YOU KNOW--

IT'S REALLY OKAY. YOU KNOW, I GET IT.

WHEN I WAS ON "I'M IT!" I DIDN'T CARE WHAT THE WRITERS DID AT NIGHT,

AS LONG AS THERE WAS A GREAT SCRIPT WAITING FOR ME IN THE MORNING.

THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

- ALL RIGHT. - RIGHT.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, SO I'LL SEE YOU.

THANKS FOR CHASING ME DOWN FOR-- YEAH.

NICE.

JANE, CAN YOU GET THIS? YOU WANNA ZOOM IN ON THAT, HUH?

CAN YOU SEE IT?

"AUNT SASSY GETS A BOYFRIEND."

LOOKS LIKE I GOT MYSELF AN EPISODE.

DID YOU SEE THAT, JANE, THOUGH?

DO YOU SEE WHEN YOU'RE NICE TO SOMEONE,

YOU BAKE THEM COOKIES AND YOU SHOW THEM HOW MUCH YOU CARE,

THEN YOU GET REWARDED? IT'S KARMA.

VAL, THIS IS SO GREAT! I'M SO EXCITED!

OKAY, DOES EVERYBODY HAVE A SCRIPT?

IT'S GOOD? OKAY, ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET STARTED.

TOM, I ACTUALLY-- SORRY, I JUST-- I JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU,

THANK YOU TO THE WRITERS FOR THIS...

FUNNY, WONDERFUL, GREAT SCRIPT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, TOM, PAULIE, MILO, GIGI,

ZACK, ARTHUR AND ANDREW.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR TALENT, THANK YOU.

OH AND ALSO, HOW ABOUT--

OUR AMAZING P.A.s?

- LET'S SAY THANK YOU FOR ALL THEIR HARD WORK TOO. - THANKS.

- TERRY AND LAUREN. - THANKS.

AND NOW I KNOW ALL OF YOU. YOU'RE ALL FANTASTIC.

THANK YOU ANYWAY, YEAH.

CAN I SAY SOMETHING AS WELL?

I'D LIKE TO SAY A QUICK PRAYER BEFORE WE START.

( breathes deeply )

LORD, BLESS THIS READING AND BLESS OUR SHOW.

I KNOW THE RATINGS ARE GONNA PICK UP.

JESUS HAS US IN HIS POCKET. AMEN.

AMEN.

Tom: OKAY...

"AUNT SASSY GETS A BOYFRIEND."

( all cheer )

WRITTEN BY TOM PETERMAN AND PAULIE G.

( all cheering, applauding )

Tom: "ACT ONE, JUNA AND SHAYNE SIT ON THE COUCH."

( sighs ) I'M BORED.

LET'S SET AUNT SASSY UP ON A DATE.

SURE, LET ME GET THAT LIST OF 60-YEAR-OLD BACHELORS

- I KEEP IN MY HOPE CHEST. - ( all chuckle )

I WAS THINKING, MAYBE SHE'D LIKE THAT SOUTHERN GUY

FROM THE RESTAURANT DOWN THE STREET-- BIG DICK PERKINS.

- ( laugh ) - Tom: AND SASSY HAS ENTERED,

LOOKING A LITTLE MORE DRESSY THAN USUAL.

SOUNDS GOOD. I'LL HAVE ONE ORDER OF BIG DICK PERKINS,

- HOLD THE PERKINS. - ( all laugh )

Tom: MOONER AND STITCH ARE WAXING THEIR SURFBOARDS.

AUNT SASSY LOOKS AT THEM LONGINGLY...

Valerie: "WOW, YOU BOYS REALLY KNOW HOW TO WAX YOUR BOARDS."

( laughing continues )

- Woman: FUNNY. - Valerie: SO FUNNY...

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